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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be interested to know if there is anyone in this situation whose R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue.

I would love to know the same thing, i'm finding it harder as time goes on as well. They have an instant messenger system in the office - that's how this whole thing started and there it is for either of them to fish or whatever, the opportunity is there every single day. It's just really messing with my head. OM is leaving the job 'asap' that was a month ago.... It will be one of the happiest days of my life it ever happens.

[This message edited by zombieman at 1:32 AM, September 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue

I consider our M to be safe now. but It was difficult. Just be sure that you both want it more than anything, and you will make it.

take care


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works very closely with his OW! Yuch- It was an incredible obstacle to over come. She is much younger than me and I guess men would think she is prettier than me. She does everything but set her hair on fire to get his attention. She goes to his office and complains -tells him he hurt her- tells him regularly that he should never have told me everything that happened. She feels they should and can still be friends. That sounds really really bad doesn't it.
However, I know what is going on because my husband is being completely honest with me. I see all the emails she sends him -I get a call when- as we call it-she acts up! Her behaviors are showing her for what she is-very needy -insecure and really not too worried about him or his family. She has shown her true colors. As he states if you care about someone you would want the best for them. He states she is a master manipulator. At first I was completely absorbed in the fact they worked together. Couldn't get past it. I know no one will beleive this but now I feel it is therapuetic!
He sees what she is doing and gets really really upset. He has sent letters to her that he drafted and then let me read stating that whenever she comes in and discusses anything other than business that it makes him feel like he is still cheating on me. He has sent a text to her stating this was all his fault that no matter what he said to her in past he wants only me and the issues in our marraige were his fault not mine, and if she truly wants him to be happy she would leave him alone so he could repair the damage he has done. He told her that we did not talk and and all the other things he used to beleive he was justified to do his thing during the affair. She feels he is unhappy and that she can help him through and wants to be there for him. He has sent a letter to her stating that he is completly happy and working on our relationship is what is making him happy. He let's me see all this on paper as well as on his cell. I also see all of her replies. It is amazing what complete honesty and transparency will do for your relationship. I feel empowered and like I am worth fighting for. Please don't think it was always this way. He trickle truthed for months-he states because he didn't want to worry me. I beleive that and I also know it sometimes was flattering to him. I also know he missed talking to her.
Truth is I don't want him to leave his job. He loves this job and I love it when he is happy. She has asked him that if she leaves the job -could they get back together, so I am not sure if the issue that they work together is really an isuue. It has taken me a year to get here but I am not too upset about her working with him. She is the complete opposite from me and if there is one thing I am sure of- I am the type of woman he wants to be married to. If we were not together he would not want that type of woman. I think I am lucky in this matter because she did some really awful stuff to me (stalking, emails, text messages). In his initial fog he didn't beleive she could do it. After all this crazy daily behaviour he states that it is for sure her and what a fool he is/was for ever beleiving anything she said. So as odd as this may sound-thank goodness they kept working together! He had her on a pedastal and I am not sure that would have went away if he would have went NC all together.
My biggest concern right now is that she is causing him so much stress. I can see it all over his face. He is tired and worried always.

Just when we think she is done bothering him-she calls him again. He really has to take calls from her due to this work situation ansd he states it is very stressful when the call is about something other than work. Thankfully the calls are becoming less and less and he tells me immediately when she did call, and he states he tells her that he tells me when she calls. I am not sure that part is true, but I am going with it because it feels better. Why shouldn't I he is proving he is trying in all other ways.

Mainly, I had to get the beast out of my head, I had to get the jealousy gone and I had to look at this situation clearly. WOW took a long time! Once I was able to listen to him -he didn't feel threatened to tell me she is calling him. We have agreed that even tho-he started this crazy mess-that we are in this together. This woman has had many many many relationships and many many affairs with married men. She had admitted to sleeping with dozens of men to him. He can't figure out why after a year she just won't move on.
This is still a work in progress but if any WS's are out there reading and are in this situation, Please tell your BS everything. My WH states he feels much better that he can tell his best friend what is going on. And that best friend is not her -IT IS ME! By the way he felt they were BFF's during the affair. We have gotten through so much in our relationship in the past and the way we did it was by talking-as hard as it is in this situation-that is the only way through it.

Every day I ask for strength and everyday his actions are giving it to me. One day at a time!


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
OverIt!
♀ New Member
Member # 29745
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow...I have never posted or participated in a suport group before..but so much of what I have seen here is SO familiar. It was Nov 9 2008 when I found out about the affair ws was having with a woman at work. He had a flimsy excuse and so I went through the cell phone etc..and soon felt like I was living a Lifetime Movie.
We have been to therapy together and I think now perhaps we could put it back together...but every few months she "pops" up again. He doesnt get it because "the sex part was over a long time ago" . I have made it clear how I feel, that no contact is still too much but..... We had a pretty good run this time it was 8 months before he acted strange and the Phone number was back again. Of course he says it means nothing there is nothing going on. They carry on like teenage "friends" and Im the parent trying to ruin their fun that just doesnt understand. Anyone else dealing with this?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2010
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a pretty good run this time it was 8 months before he acted strange and the Phone number was back again. Of course he says it means nothing there is nothing going on. They carry on like teenage "friends" and Im the parent trying to ruin their fun that just doesnt understand. Anyone else dealing with this?
Ack, I'm sorry. I don't know how I would deal with that as WH knows that is a dealbreaker for me.

There is something going on and it bothers you. If he isn't seeing that, perhaps you need to remind him. Does she have a spouse? I'd be letting him know they are at it again.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Trying2Survive2
♀ Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry OverIt..
Thats just so sad.

I've made it clear, any breaks in the plan instant dealbreaker.
I'll live in a tin can.


xoxox


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
TodayisMine
♀ Member
Member # 29740
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many things going well, but the fact that he works right there with her all night is like chinese water torture.

I just keep wondering to myself is this going to be the night someone thinks enough time has passed that it is okay to say "hello". ~Deal Breaker~

He says there is no non-work contact. I want to believe him, but my gut says otherwise. I do believe there is nothing sexual or any pining. He describes shame and says it is awkward around her. I know it is a joke among the others that work with them.

I dig my heels in and bear it every night. Lately it has been getting the best of me and I am starting to feel unsettled. D-day anti-versary is right around the corner. I can feel the weight of it and it has me aggitated. It is offensive to me that it has been a year and he still works with her.

I don't think I will have full peace until she is gone from my picture and right now he is playing the waiting game for her to be moved. He has worked hard to have this job and doesn't feel he should have to suffer the consequece of taking a different position just to get away from her. He suffers enough from this 'mistake' and doesn't think it is fair he should have to lose one more thing over it. He talks about changing sometimes because it is uncomfortable when comments fly, but hasn't followed through.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by TodayisMine at 10:44 AM, October 13th (Wednesday)]


Either we are trustworthy or we are not. As Tom Peters said, "There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity."

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2010
tuscandreamer
♀ Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH still works with the xMOW. It is a thorn in my side. To make matters worse, a new young female is on staff now. She picked up on the bad vibes between my H and the xMOW. She figured out the reason why. This new person doesn't like the xMOW. My H and the new person seem to great pleasure in dissing the xMOW. I just don't get it. I keep hearing about this new person a lot. Then all of sudden, my H has stopped talking about her. My gut is seeing red flags. Should I be worried?


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Kamkim
♀ Member
Member # 29672
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H no longer works with OW and I feel like a 1000lb weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

3 months from DDay, took a while but he knew once this came out I couldn't deal with him working there any more.


Me 30
WH 31
1 DDs (11,7)
DDAY 1 7/7/2010 (texting out of town coworker for 3 weeks) Whoreface 1
DDAY 2 6/22/2012 (found out about a kiss with a coworker that happened 8 years ago) Whoreface 2

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Sep 2010
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, October 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't get it. I keep hearing about this new person a lot. Then all of sudden, my H has stopped talking about her. My gut is seeing red flags. Should I be worried?
IT would me. It seems that when WH would quit talking about some female was when she'd show up on our cell bill.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you handle the social work functions? With holiday parties and such coming up, I am starting to have anxiety over these.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi beenthere2

If you are not comfortable don't go.

If it was me I would go. I would make sure I looked a million dollars and hold my Ss hand and insist they gave ONLY ME attention and gave none to any members of the opposite sex.

I would smile and look SOOO happy all the time to rub it in their faces (My H had 3 OWs in his workplace , Ow2 and OW3 are still there).

Whatever you do make sure it is what you want. If you don't want to go tell him he can't either. It's always possible to make an excuse - even a last minute one if needed. Dying relatives (who make a miraculous recovery) should do the trick

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ww has handed in her resignation after more broken nc. 4 weeks to go. God I hope this the end of it. Feeling good though!

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a head up people-i just discovered we have been in false r for 3 years due to the fact the he still works with her and has never gotten over her.

MAKE the Wayward Spouse get a new job if you want to make it through this-we are headed fro divorce.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
butterfly30
♀ Member
Member # 29356
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I hate that he has to work with her for at least another year, I think we have worked out some solutions we can live with.
- I travel with him as much as I can
- he forwards me any email from her (won't give me password though)
- he gave me advance notice she was coming here for a work trip and we went out of town for the week.
This helps more than anything else he could say.
Hugs to all of you in this mess.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2010
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH and the MOW still work for the same company along with toxic MIL. I also worked for the company until 2 years ago.

Shortly after DD#2 FWH requested to be transferred to a different area and no longer has to see OW. They are still in the same building, and may be forced to work together on a weekend, but the chances are very very slim.

As far as I can tell things are going very well. She did head over to his area last week. I think she volunteered to fish, but who knows. He told me immediately. He said he turned his back on her and did his job.

I'm actually fairly at peace with this now as I do visit on a regular basis. If something was going on again I have enough people that would tell me.

So far so good.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H still works with his whore. Not directly, but indirectly. I had asked that he tell me when they have contact, but I hear nothing. It's like she dropped off the earth, yet they spent 4 years together. I just don't get it. I really believe he's not involved, but the questions still linger...


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He packed up and walked out. We drove around and he told me how mad he was at her. How happy he was that she was leaving in a few weeks. That he can be done with her and, hopefully, never see her again. Now THIS made me happy! I told him I was sorry he had to go through that,
but this was a happy day. We talked soooo much that afternoon. That he canít imagine what it would be like if he had left me for her, and then she showed her true colors, like she did that day. I truly think last Friday my FWH finally came fully out of any lingering FOG. Halleluiah!

THAt is exactly the types of things that make me happy. When OW shows her true colors because it validates us who stood by their side. It validates the the OW is not a "perfect princess on a pedestal"... I am so happy he got to see the bitch in action , because let's be honest-that is what she is for doing what she did.


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had asked that he tell me when they have contact, but I hear nothing.
I asked my WH that too and he didn't tell me anything. Seems had he told me then it would have been a lie that it wasn't all work related, but since he didn't say anything then he wasn't lying.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beenthere2?

WH's Christmas Party is tomorrow night. Ah, we don't do work functions any longer. It's just part of the healing process. Sorry Charlie!

OW is at all of them, with beer in hand, just waiting for the next available penis to show up.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
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