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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
Lolati11
♀ Member
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am so glad I found this topic my WH still work with the OW who by the way was a so called good friend it really kills me especially that I know they have to work pretty damn close at times now they have a mandatory meeting once a week that my WH is in charge for and OW is representing her department I don't know how to deal with it .WH husband assures me that he doesn't care a nit about her but I say well you did enough to have a one night stand ? Things will be so much better if she gets the fuck out of there arghhhh...


Me:33
Him: 50
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011


You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
caliRN
♀ New Member
Member # 35186
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to these boards and so glad that I found them. My WH had been lying about his friendships with the women he works with (Which I wouldn't have cared about until I found out that he was hiding it). I was told he does he own thing at work and only works with them... little did I know he was joking around, going out to lunch, and going to trade shows with them and not telling me. One girl in particular made me uncomfortable because I had met her at a Christmas party and just got a readily bad vibe... not to mention that my insecurities were through the roof with what was actually going on at that office. Anyways the girl that made me uncomfortable ended up becoming my WH's assistant (ugh!). I tried to look at the fact that she's 4 years younger (which is a big deal when he's 25) and the fact that he's still with me and trying to be honest with me...supposedly.

We went through a really rough time D/T my insecurities which was my fault in all of this because I should have worked past it and gotten the help I needed then. But he ended up going to live with a friend and was intending to leave me. We spent a few weeks apart and we managed to come to the conclusion we would work things out. From that day on I trusted him 1000% and never questioned what he told me or anything. Things were great between us for about 6 months.

Then one night I was using his computer to do a project and came across a video.... you can guess what was on that video..... I was livid. I also came to realize that this was 3 weeks AFTER we decided to get back together. I was so lost and confused and hurt. With some soul searching and a lot of talking and yelling at each other we decided we are together for better and for worse. So here we are trying to make things last.

He still works at that company with the OW. He has been promoted though and doesn't work directly with her everyday but is technically "her boss". Luckily there is another woman that kinda acts like the middle man. But I still am having the hardest time with this. I want to believe that after everything he wouldn't continue to lie to me. But this whole situation has made me so insecure that I can't stand the thought of him being with any of the other women he works with either. I really don't know how to move past this... especially while he is still there. Im hoping when he gets a new job it will be better and we will finally begin to be able to move forward. Right now I just have no trust in him or the OW and can't stand the thought of her and him being in meetings let alone the same building together. I do believe that he is completely over it and theres nothing there anymore but knowing she is there reopens that wound 5 days a week.

All this happened almost a year ago. I feel we should be further along in our healing process by now. This may sound immature but I really want to know that the OW knows how much she has put me and my WH through. Did any of you contact the OW? I haven't but it does cross my mind from time to time to get me some closure with all this.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012
Hera
♀ Member
Member # 35235
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works with OW too. He's owner/boss and she reports to him. I actually freelance for the company and work on a project that directly involves her. Since D-day I haven't had any contact with her, no phone calls, no emails. I told him I never ever want to hear her voice again.

Firing her is not an option without risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit. He'd have to step down from day to day operations if other owners found out, and lose his salary and I would lose my income.

Supposedly she's leaving in June or September to pursue some type of education. That better be true!

I did consider blowing the whistle on him an her, but decided against that, even though part of me really would like some type of retribution!


ETA:
It is hard on me that she has more access to him during the day. I know when she's away from her desk through her IM client and when it coincides with WH being away from his desk too, my thoughts start spinning. I purposely turn things off at times to keep myself sane!

[This message edited by Hera at 4:56 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]


D-Day: Feb 2012
Me BS
WH --> OW half his age - an employee
3 kids (1 ours 2 his)

Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2012
caliRN
♀ New Member
Member # 35186
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been nice be able to read everyone's story and know that I'm crazy for feeling the way I do.

I was wondering, what little tricks to you all do to help your mind from going crazy everyday your WH is at work? I could use some advice and tips. Thanks!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012
Jinger
♀ New Member
Member # 35255
Angry  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7. Take necessary steps to ensure that the A is over. Having your WS write a No Contact letter to the OP is a very healthy first step towards healing and recovery.

Iím stuck here. It seems that only an act of God can fix the tangled mess that WS and OW have caused. And yes, I do believe that God can work a miracle.
WS and OW are bound by contract by the state we reside in to complete a project. If WS quits his job he will not be able to work in this capacity in this state again. OW, on the other hand, would be able to continue to function at her level should she quit this job.
Corporation employing both WS and OW was prepared to fire them both upon discovery of the A. A was made known to corporation months before it was made known to me. Corporate did not fire both of them due to the almighty dollar. Now the two of them are working in an office that is miles away from direct supervision. Corporate seems to have their fingers in their ears shouting LA LA LA. Corporate requests that I stay out of the office when OW is there, in order to keep OW from filing a law suit against WS or more importantly THEM.
I am not willing (at this point) to demand that WS quit his job and ruin his career. I will not take responsibility for that and have him blame me forevermore. Also, at the advice of my attorney I am staying far away from OW as to give her NO AMMUNITION to use against me.
I do not know how I can live for the next 18+ months with the two of them working side by side.
I donít know what to do so I pray.


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Zinger}}}

Is the A over? Prayer and the 180 will give you strength.

The Healing Library has good advice.

The OW doesn't work directly with my H any longer but another company that he does business with and it still worries me when he's working overtime hours but I've accepted that I can't control his actions, only mine so I come to SI for support.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Jinger
♀ New Member
Member # 35255
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the A over? Prayer and the 180 will give you strength.

He claims, she claims the A is over. We are both in IC and MC. So early in R, I know. Not sure it is even recovery yet. There has been no #7 letter. They work side by side every day. She is very dependant on him to do her job. He is a professional and she is managing a project that he is in charge of.

His IC has him working on his "letter" to me, whatever that is.

I posted in this thread b/c I had to begin somewhere.


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
Jinger
♀ New Member
Member # 35255
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS should be able to have full access to the work facilities and company gatherings either at the work place or after work.

The BS should be made to feel comfortable and safe within the WS work environment.

Guess that I may have shot myself in the foot on this one but right now I have no regrets for what I have done.

To explain:
March 15,I went to the office of my WH and the OW and confronted her, behind closed doors in his office with him present. No

she said, she said
I wanted WS to hear it all.

Two weeks later I sent her a text telling her that I had not forgotten and that I was too kind to her. I told her she was pathetic and weak. I told her she was a parasitic oportunist. I told her that I would not be kind to her again.

An hour later my WS called me out of a meeting I was attending. We met at a nearby lake. She had called a corporate manager and planned to file an injunction (restraining order) against me. I agreed to not call, text, etc. her again. I did this b/c I have NO emotional energy to WASTE on her. I also had to agree not to go into the office when she was there. If I wish to see my WS I must phone and have him meet me in the parking lot.

At the time of the confrontation I spelled out clear boundaries such as, NO riding in the truck together to inspect the job, NO lunch for any reason together.

WS has not written a NC letter to her. We are still trying to feel our ways through the murky mess WS has gotten us into. We do each see IC and MC.

Like I said before, I don't know how I am going to live the next year and a half with the two of them working in a small building with no supervision. In reality there is one other person who is consistantly in the building with them. I feel so badly for that poor woman. She has had to witness the long A (5 years), the day I confronted them, and now this process of R.

How did others of you handle tough situations like mine?


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
lotsofhope
♀ Member
Member # 31461
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here. PA with a co-worker. One and a half year into R. I still work with OM. The ONLY way this works is that that several things are in my marriage's favor. One, my BH knows the A is over. He warned OM not to ever come near me.
Two, we don't need to have any contact. We are only in the same room(s) but not directly interacting. And finally, the most important, the OM is not breaking nc. Either bc he is afraid of my BH or over the A himself or a combination of the two.
I will not lie, it is not easy. The feelings of the affair although lessened could all surface again if OM disrespected nc. I have had to be completely transparent with BH. I tell him when days are hard for me bc the ghost of the affair is still around. I am reminded of it everyday. The only help is that I work in a fast paced environment and have no time to dwell on it. My BH comes to meet me for lunch almost everyday. We are not currently in mc but have made such great strides. I would not mind more mc but it brings up too muchnof the A for him. At any time if he asked me to quit I would. He also asks that I decide if the situ becomes too hard to bear. And somedays I think it is. Then it gets better. You see, the problem with working with xAP is that the WS stays mentally in the affair way longer than necessary. And if one of the collaborators breaks nc, who knows what could happen. No matter what the situ or how the A ended, it is gut wrenching.
If I were a bs, I don't think I could handle it. I think the only reason my BH can is bc he believes in me deep down. Even though I broke his trust and shattered what he thought was a perfect marriage. Our mc showed us we are committed to each other. Within the first months after dday BH described our fall out as if I had been in a near- fatal car wreck. Luckily I survived, but I needed rehab. He decided to help me through it. And I did the work and am still doing it. Without his support of me working there and without his gut feeling that he can trust me it couldn't work.
I hope my post doesn't seem insensitive as most of the posts in this forum are from the betrayed. Just know this, it is extremely difficult even with all the good things going in our favor. If any doubt of your ws's commitment, it may not be a good idea. Of course, my BH sometimes thinks, she lied before why couldn't see lie again. But he sees the change in our marriage, he sees me full disclosure, warts and all. What's enlightening is that I trusted the posts here to bare all my thoughts to him and he tried to understand. Sure to this day, he doesn't understand how I could have betrayed him and myself by participating in immoral behavior. But he is loving me through it, in spite of it. And through that I see him in a way I never saw him before. I knew he was a good husband and a good man. But now I see him as a saint. His gift of forgiveness and unconditional support is something I would never want to squander.
Good luck to all of you. It's tough but a good marriage is worth it. Trust your gut if your spouse is a good work situ or a hostile one.


WW (me) 48
BH (him) 52
Married 25 years
DDay #1 12/20/10
DDay #2 1/10/11

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2011
TarheelMom
♀ Member
Member # 35726
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through part of these pages... it is so hard for me that WH still works with OW. He has made it clear that he does not want any contact that is not business related. He did this before I even knew about the A, when he ended it. She continues to find reasons to come see him, ask him questions (that she could ask anyone), etc. He says he cuts her off and does not engage in conversation with her. I believe he does this. He is now telling me anytime he has any contact with her. But I am sure he is still being professional and at least borderline polite.

It is so hard for me to move past this as long as I know she is still trying to at least keep her foot in the door. He swears that she isn't, and that he is done with her even if she wanted to start things up again (which I believe, as much as I can at this point). But as long as they are even working at the same company, much less the same building, in my mind it still isn't "over."

Every other aspect of R is going fine. It is just this one little (BIG) thing.

What he does do for me:
- Sends me text and picture messages at least every 30 minutes all day
- Calls me often to see how I am and to say hi
- Has taken me into his work on the weekend and made it a safe place for me, made me feel welcome, and just let me be there-- helped a lot!
- Lets me check his work phone anytime I want; he says he is not deleting any messages from it at all. I want to believe him and have no proof that he is... but this one will take time for me to completely trust, I think.

He cannot leave his job at this time, so that isn't an option. Me attempting to get her fired (which I have dreamed about and planned so elaborately!) would just come back to bite him, too, and would only be revenge and anger on my part. I will not allow her worthlessness to push me to that point.

Anyway. Just wanted to share where I am with this. Anyone with wonderful successful ways to cope with this, please share.


Me: BW

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jun 2012
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H worked with the FOW and that is not going to change. When he knows he is going to be in the area and have to speak with her. He calls me on his cell and leaves it on. I can then hear for myself what is being said. It helped me. I know that some offices don't allow cell phones. He just left it in his shirt pocket. The downside is it isn't always completely clear but you can get a good idea of what is being said.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have made it a point to be at his work weekly for lunch. Let it be known that I am present and committed.


BS Me 54
WS Him 52
Married 29 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
Divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
whoismywife
♂ Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Office Christmas Parties

My WW has turned down 5 invitations to attend Christmas parties with various company departments and service providers to avoid the chance of being alone with her AP. Now her own department is organizing its Christmas party (a dinner at a restaurant) and my WW wants to go so that she is still viewed by her colleagues and boss as a "team player". She feels she will either get fired for her poor attitude (or some other made-up reason) or if she gets laid off she will not get a good reference and will burn bridges.

I don't want her to go to the office Christmas party because, as far as I know, no one in her office knows about the A and the AP will be at the party and as is typical of her company, spouses are not invited to the party! This company breeds infidelity.

We will bring this up with a MC tomorrow. I'll try to remember to post the advice I get.


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoismywife: Waiting to hear about your MC session discussing your WW attending the Christmas party that you know will include the OM...

My WH is the manager of his workplace so has had no choice but to attend company parties... he is the host! So far OW has not attended any functions since Dday but the weeks and days before each event were very stressful (WH did not understand this, which made it much harder as I questioned him about her RSVP) but I still dread them.

I don't know if any of the staff are aware of the 3 yr LTA or not but truly cannot believe that nothing 'showed' between them at the workplace as my WH insists is the case. She still works there on a seasonal basis and as he nears retirement there is no hope of this changing.

It's been nice be able to read everyone's story and know that I'm crazy for feeling the way I do

Sending hugs to all BSs who are in this unenviable position {{{}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
whoismywife
♂ Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night at MC we asked should my WW attend her office Christmas party.

The MC seemed to side with my WW on the issue of the need to appear like a team-player and to not burn bridges. The MC offered the solution that maybe I could pick her up at the restaurant at the end of the night. Well that's all well and good, but what are they doing before the dinner or in the bathroom at the restaurant?

Basically, I got noticeably upset in the session about my wife going to this intimate little dinner situation with just 7 co-workers, one of which is her AP so my wife volunteered not to go.

She gave in on this one and I gave up on my suggestion that we notify the AP's SO. More on that topic here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478035&AP=21

I'm pleased that my WW is not going to the Christmas dinner, but I'm still a little annoyed that she only gave in because it upsets me so much and not because she understands that she should avoid any and all situations possible where she and her AP will be together, alone or not.

She can't quit her job right now, and she and the AP work in the same office on Wednesdays (hump day!) so that situation is unavoidable until she can find a new job, but a Christmas party with just a handful of co-workers is totally unnecessary especially if it's just to keep up the appearance of being a team-player. The only team she should care about right now is the one that she and I are on - our family's team.

The MC made the case that if my WW's boss is truly annoyed about my wife not attending the party and finds a way to fire her, we could find ourselves in financial trouble which would only make our R more of a challenge. The MC also said that if my WW's co-workers start to resent her for skipping all the after work events it could make things tense for her at work which would make her unhappy and she could become upset with me for causing the situtation - again, bad for the R. I really think both of these situations are highly unlikely, especially if my WW makes up valid reasons for not being able to attend. Honestly, just coming clean and telling everyone that we are working hard to fix our marriage should be understandable.


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the situation I am in...when she started working there and I started hearing her name, I told my friends I was worried about her...he talked about her to me like they were old friends and I just had a bad feeling...I know there was an EA and suspect more, but have no proof.

I have spoken with her and she was very rude and annoyed that I was upset, but assured me they were "just friends" who were maybe being a little inappropriate. Now she is in a new relationship (hope he doesn't cheat on her-karma is a b***h!) but they work together every day AND go to school together 3 nights a week!! I now the program at school is important for his career but how the hell am I supposed to be ok with this after everything?? It eats me up...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you in this situation. My WS works with the OW as well. He has to work with her on occasion and travel with her. Opportunity abounds!

He admits to only an EA and doesn't much admit to that even. He travels in the next two weeks and will be with her.
Not sure how I will deal.

I have an IC and I am working on me at this point. It is the only thing I can control. I am trying to make myself strong so that I can walk if there is ever a next time. I am slowly getting there.

Let's keep this thread moving.


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jun 2012
whoismywife
♂ Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jojo42

he talked about her to me like they were old friends

Exactly the same as my WW. She had only been at the company 4 months when she started referring to him as "my friend D___". Alarm bells should have gone off for me but I trusted her and never really got jealous. She told me that she took my lack of jealousy almost as a sign that I didn't really care what she did. What a f'd up thought process.

they work together every day AND go to school together 3 nights a week!!

Again, very much the same situation. My WW and her AP were taking the same course through work and would make plans to meet up to prepare for the exams. This was also one of the lies I was told regarding my WW's numerous text messages to her AP. "I'm just asking him something about our course."


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
Luvmustbtuf
♀ New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse works with the AP as well. I checked cell phone records and it seems like he sits at work in the parking lot and talks to her. Then, calls me on the way home to make it seem like he has less contact/no contact with her (for months he stopped calling me after he got off work and then started again recently).

My spidey senses have been going off today. Yes, he called after he got off work supposedly, but our conversation was 20 minutes when it's normally 15. 15 minutes to get home from work, 20 minutes from where she lives.

He doesn't know I figured out the password to his cell account nor does he realize i figured out where she lives.

Right now, I'm struggling as I desperately want to turn them both in to HR. Has anyone turned in the spouse and AP to HR? What were the results?


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Luvsmustbtuf)))

Keep getting information. Are you seeing that he is calling her from his cell? Can you put a gps on his phone? Find my phone works great on an iPhone.

I have not turned in my WH and AP but only because I do not have proof of anything physical. If I did, I would strongly consider it although I am sure my WH would be the one who would be punished. I think it depends on how strict the company is...

I have seen a few people who have done this. Some only got a slap on wrist. Others seemed to lose their job. Make sure you can handle the financial ramifications if you decide to do this.

I know of another couple who's husband contacted HR, her direct boss, and higher management. Nothing happened to her, but I do know her AP soon left the company. Although I do not know if he left because he was R'ing with his wife and she made him or the company did.

The WW who worked for my husband at the time said that they were making plans to be together and be married. This story means something different to me now than when I first heard it. I wonder now if the WH telling her they could be together was just part of the fog.

Anyway, keep posting. Let us know what you find.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:49 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


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