What I keep reading is about how many of these WH were drunk or stoned when they had their ONS. I think I wish I could say that.
My WH was out of town on work - and was with a prostitute. The story he told me about how it happened is so bizzare that I sometimes think it might have been an ongoing thing - since he traveled there monthly.
He is disabled, and must give himself a shot in his penis in order to have an erection. He just happened to have the medicine with him he said. I have no idea what to believe.
Anyway, I wish there was some extinuating circumstances like being stoned or drunk. But there were none.
I don't even know why I am posting this. Its going to be a bad day.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:45 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
I can relate to your story!! My WH was not wasted when he had a ONS with a hooker either. :(. He actually started arranging the hook up while he was still home earlier that day, & they communicated several times via email & text throughout the day. Also while he was texting me at the same time.
Like you, I'm not convinced this was his first time to stray. But I'm not having any luck getting answers.
It seems suspicious that your WH just 'happened' to have his medicine with him. I think I'm going to insist on a polygraph, you should consider doing the same!
I'm sorry we have something on common. :(
I'm so happy to hear things are on the the upward road for you!!!
I don't think it's necessary that you tell any & everyone about the A. I feel like that is very specific to the A & to what the BS needs & also to the reaction of the WS. I have only told 2 people about my WS A & that was only because I needed support to deal with it.
However I do feel like counseling is important although maybe not 100% necessary if the 2 of you are effectively handling all aspects of the A.
But as long as you feel like you are truly getting everything you need to R & deal with the A! And please be cautious not to rug sweep it.
I would encourage you to maybe slow down a bit and think first about what you want to say and chose to say it with intent rather than anger. Also if you need to speak about it daily, then please do, but I wouldn't drag it on for hours. Say what needs to be said, maybe put a time limit on your conversation, try to keep it without anger (because he will probably shut down and avoid the confrontation in the future, at least my WH will). Not that I never get angry, because I do, but if I get angry in every convo, then I know he will dread and avoid every time the convo goes to the A.
Also you might consider taking to writing your thoughts and passing them on to him. I find that helpful also. I can keep intense emotion out of it that way, it also helps me keep on track, because if I get off track I can easily delete delete delete and rewrite. I've had success getting answers that way and getting WH to understand my POV that way, when I didn't have success in a face to face convo.
But please if you need to speak to him, don't let him off the hook because you feel like it's too much for him. He got you here & it's his job to help you get past here!
His second admitted ONS was a year ago. She was a whore from Plenty of Fish (POF) -- a "dating" website/one stop shopping whore pick-up site. It was calculated...he knew exactly what he was looking for when he registered, and every time he browsed. He picked her -- like he went shopping, and decided *SHE* would be the one worthy of his dick. *SHE* would be the one worth risking it all for.
They both hurt down deep...they both rip my heart to shreds...the mind games are unbearable at times.
Neither is worse.
They're both worse :(
I think we all feel like our situation hurts terribly. I guess for me the fact that my WH spent hours premeditating his A, initially I was just feet away from him while he e-mailed this whore & then kissed me goodbye as he walked out the door to leave so he wouldn't get in too late. Then spent several more hours texting/emailing her and I at the same time. Even asked me to send him a sexy pic in the midst of this all.
In my mind it feels like it would hurt less if he was wasted and made a quicker decision to betray me rather than spending hours betraying me (I can't imagine those in LTA's). But at the same time, the fact that he was with a hooker means it's not someone I have to worry about running into at the grocery store, or it being a mutual acquaintance & that factor is one that I wouldn't envy for you!
We all have our own shitty shit in our own ways. Nobody's A is easier to deal with than the other. Sometimes I think we rationalize that "if" it was this way or that way it would be easier to swallow. When in reality, it wouldn't be.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I hope things get better and that your WH is giving you what you need!!
I can relate to what you've been through.
My WH calculated his A also. I'm not sure how long or how many times he went on craigslist before he pulled the trigger. He his a master at clearing his browser history!!
But knowing he premeditated his affair is difficult to comprehend! And then knowing what she looked like and that he 'chose' that! Disgusting!! Why is it that people have A's with OP that are polar opposites of their spouses? She's 30lbs heavier than I, different race than I, long black hair (I have super short blonde hair), of course 10 years younger than I (that's not a shocker!!) Although I'm already 15 years younger than my WH. If he gets much younger than her, he'll be screwing one of our kids friends!
Ugh, I'm just so seriously disgusted by it all!
And you're right, the mind games are overwhelming!! And it feels like they will never stop!
How far out from Dday are you?
[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 5:37 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.
Sorry it took a while for someone to respond. It seems like this thread runs hot and cold.
I hope you've posted somewhere else and gotten feedback, it's no good to talk to an empty area!
Anyway, I'm glad he came clean so quickly, I guess that's a plus somehow. I wouldn't be too quick to put the majority of the blame on the OW though. He's a big boy and can make big boy decisions. I get approached and hit on very regularly, but I don't act on it, ever! My WH has self esteem issues and depression as well. I'm 15 years younger and he says he lives with the constant question of why I'm with him, when am I going to leave... blah blah blah. Yet instead of cherishing me, appreciating me or holding on tighter to me, he drops $200 bucks on a nasty overweight whore. Whatever, so I'm not feeling sorry for his self-esteem or depression issues. Nothing is an excuse for cheating, even if at some point in the midst of their selfish stupidity they snap into their right mind. It was a choice he made, he could have made a different one, but he did not.
I too struggle with other people in our life forever thinking ill of him if I can find it in my heart to forgive him. But I don't have too much to worry about because only 2 people know. So if you have to worry that everybody in town knows, that is absolutely difficult to deal with. I have moments that I actually wish people did know. Only because sometimes I think my WH is more worried about his image than our M.
Anyway, I'm glad you found SI. I probably wasn't too much help, but there are a lot of people that have a tremendous amount of wisdom. I think it's still too soon for my brain to function properly (2.5 months since dday). But hang on, it does get better, I can at least get through a day without hyperventilating now!
When I read your post chills ran down my spine because I really felt that I could have written almost your entire post myself. Our situations are very similar and I am so relieved (not sure if that's the right word??) to find someone who has such a similar story.
My husband was also at a friend's house. He was very, very drunk. He says he had met the OW only once before and that she had obnoxiously thrown herself at him. I completely understand your feelings about the OW. This woman also knew that my husband was married and I have spent so much time trying to understand why she would be so desperate for a taken man. On my stronger days, I can see that she obviously has some issues and can almost feel sorry for her. But on my weaker days, all I can see is my own pain and rage.
My husband also stopped after what he says was about 30 seconds of penetration. I wanted to ask you how you have dealt with doubting your WH's story? Have you completely trusted that he really did stop or do you have doubts?
My WH has maintained from day 1 that he stopped because he felt too guilty and realized he had just made the worst mistake of his life. He says that he wasn't mentally "present" with her during any of it because he was too drunk and guilty from the start. I have had such a hard time accepting his story. I guess a lot of it just sounds too good to be true.
I was obsessed with knowing every detail of the encounter and he has been great about answering my questions. But we've hashed it all out several times now and I'm still asking the same questions and he is getting frustrated with me. Anyone else encountered this?
I just keep examining his story in my mind and find it so hard to believe that he passively participated. He claims full responsibility for what he did but he has maintained that there was no passion and he did not touch her (as in trying to please her). He says the only sexual acts that happened at all were that they kissed for a few minutes and then she took her pants off, he took his off, and she got on top of him and they started to have sex which only lasted a few seconds before he pushed her away, said he couldn't do it, and left.
I guess I am just still reeling from the shock of it all and don't know what to believe. And I'm sorry if that was TMI, I just want other's honest opinions about the details I am doubting.
This is so out of character for him that I'm really questioning whether I know this person I have spent almost ten years of my life with. I'm really trying to see that he is still the good person I thought he was and just made a horrible mistake but I'm really struggling right now. It's important to me that he told me himself when he easily could have kept it and I would have never found out. But then I remember that it took him 13 days to tell me and the rage mounts.
I have had a hard time believing that he was so uninterested in her because that is so vastly different than the way he is with me. He has always focused on my pleasure sexually and never just sits there with his hands at his sides. He says it was so different with OW because she didn't mean anything to him, he was wasted drunk, and very scared.
He and I were each other's only partners before this. Some may remember that from my first posts. Only repeating it because it has been so important in my pain. It's extremely hard for me to understand him wanting to throw that away. We both took so much pride in never having to worry about STD's and sharing our bodies only with one another. I also have so much anxiety now that he will want to sleep around to see what it's like with other people. I'm terrified that sex with only me for the rest of his life won't be enough for him. He says that wasn't a component, that this happened because of his poor judgement (drinking too much), lack of self-control, and immaturity.
We are currently seeing an excellent counselor and it is helping. I am in the middle of the up and down roller coaster and so frustrated. My emotions are still highly conflicted.
I'm sorry if this post was long winded. I just needed to get these things out somewhere. I also wanted to reach out to you, LearnToLoveAgain and let you know that I am here with such a similar experience. Looks like your d-day was about a month before mine, so we are in a similar timeline as well.
I have found this site and counseling to be so helpful. My heart is broken but somehow I'm still here.
And he has NEVER, not once used being drunk as an excuse. He has fully owned every aspect of his mistake including drinking too much in a bad setting and choosing to cheat. He has maintained that the alcohol was only a component, not the cause.
All I meant about the OW was that it was very hard to understand why she wanted a married man. Of course I was raging angry at her at first. That's pretty normal. The phenomenon of trying to protect your love for your spouse by focusing on the OW is a very common defense mechanism. I have worked through that in IC and MC and have dealt with those feelings. I know she wasn't some big bad whore that took advantage of my innocent WH, he made a choice and drunk or not, is just as responsible for his actions and he knows that. He has told me from the beginning that he knows that he was responsible for all of the poor choices made.
I'm not letting him get away with anything or shifting the blame. I am choosing to try to work through it and move forward with him. I'm here because of how he his handling it, showing true remorse, complete transparency, going to counseling both with me and on his own and really doing the work it takes to begin R. We have a long road ahead of us but so far we've been navigating successfully. I choose to see that he is so much more than one awful, ugly mistake.
*LOTS OF GROSS DETAILS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS*
I just have to get this off my chest...My husband decided, on a trip while I was 32 weeks pregnant, that he'd always wondered what it would be like to be with a prostitute. So he went to a sex club (they are legal in the country he was in) and found a good looking one. He bought her a drink (he's never purchased a drink for a woman in his life...we've been together since we were 16...), asked her how much she cost. Brought her to a by-the-hour hotel close to the club, they both took showers while he was extremely aroused...she started oral on him with no condom, he stopped her to ask for a condom (but of course not to think about his pregnant partner of 13 years?) and then they had sex. He told me he enjoyed it so much, he felt like it was the most exciting thing he'd ever done. He purposely tried to make it last as long as possible. Even though he'd never been able to orgasm with a condom on and many times had to finish off "himself" when we had sex, he was able to finish inside of her with the condom.
The whole story is so devastating. He is most likely a sex addict...after confessing he went on to tell me that the whole time we were married he had all these secrets of his online sexual activity...he'd been cyber cheating on me for 8 years.
I basically hate him at this point. I can't believe all the lies, for so many years, how completely I loved him and TRUSTED him and there was no reason to...I don't know what to do. I feel like my life and marriage are so over...