My D was final on 12/31. I am doing so well! I've started the second year of my doctoral program, have begun my clinical training, and am busy busy busy. Kids are doing well. Ex has stopped being hostile and spent Xmas morning here to see the kids open presents (though he arrived 40 min late and then would. not. leave) and that was fine. I was very sad the day the D finalized, just saying goodbye to my hopes and dreams one final time. But I woke up in the new year free and happy!
I've done some dating, found myself marketable at almost 40 and with 3 kids -- who knew. But really my life is busy enough being mostly full time mom and student and in training. I'm spending a lot of time with girlfriends, which is fun.
I just wanted to check in and say hi, and say that there is life after D if that's where you are going -- a good life. I have no regrets even though it was "just" a ONS -- you guys know how much its not "just" anything. Three and a half years later I am healed and moved on and feeling good about me and where my life is going.
Good to "see" you guys!
I think some dreams have a shorter life span than we want so it's definitely something to mourn and grieve.
Congrats on beginning year 2 and girl, you are not just marketable.. You are AWESOME! Enjoy whatever makes YOU happy and it sounds like you are in a good place and are heading in the right direction.
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
This particular thread seems to go up and down with activity so if you feel you're not getting what you need from here, feel free to PM any of us!!
Phoenixrivers, you're so right! Alcohol is never an excuse. I think maybe she needs to look into why she drinks so much? IC would be ideal but MC would be really great for y'all too. Of course you can't control what she does but you can tell her your bottom line and if it's that she stop going to those places, then you have to put your foot down and follow through with whatever consequence you feel is necessary.
Wanttomoveon, ultimately it's up to you to figure out what qualifies as "enough" information. For many, the unknown is just miserable because we make up our own mind movies. But as Nothingspecial said, you can't unknow what you learn. It's a delicate balance of figuring out what is enough information and what isn't. I didn't need to know all the details. I just needed to know the truth about what happened. Once I got the truth, I stopped searching and trying to unearth answers and began working on healing. That's what I needed but it varies by individual.
Nothingspecial, I just want to say I think you are something special. Your user name makes me a little sad Your dday is very recent and your gut is telling you there is something more. Listen to it. It's what tells you that you have enough information to satisfy yourself and understand what the heck happened. I think in your gut you know the story isn't as it was told. Yes there are definitely women who prey on men but ultimately there was consent (I'd assume) on his end as well. That's the ticket issue here that I think your gut is screaming at you to address.
That, I think, is the big question. If you attempt to contact her, it's like reinviting her into your lives with unforeseen consequences.
Maybe she does walk around with a silly notion that she is carrying this big, powerful secret when she isn't because you do know what happened. Maybe you want to tell her because it shows you aren't out of the loop or you aren't someone to be made a fool of anymore.
Whatever the reason, I think you need to figure out if you can live with not including her and only including you and H. That's just my opinion though.
I wish this thread isn't more active for yours and others' sakes but I hope you get the support you need otherwise in other threads.
As my signature says, I found out about a monthlong purely sexual fling my husband had with another woman, and then the rest of the truth came out -- one night stands and 'close calls' over the past year.
During this whole period I have felt horribly neglected and rejected (sexually -- he had sex with other women about 12-15x in 2012 based on my informed estimate and I think we had actual sex maybe 5x) which is really where my pain comes from -- the rejection, the knowing that he said yes to them (more actually -- he chased them!) but rejected me over...and over...and over. And, ya know, it hurts that he looked me in the eye and lied to me. It hurts that I encouraged him to "go have fun with the guys! I completely trust you!!" and I helped him get ready to go out and I made his protein drinks and put his snack bag together. I told him if his outfit looked okay, if he used too much cologne, how his hair looked. How do you ask your wife to do all that and then screw another woman while she's waiting patiently for you at home???
Obviously this is a fresh wound. I guess I just wanted to post here and say... I'm in this club!
We're so sorry you find yourself in this place but we're glad you have a safe place to get help. This thread isn't very active anymore as most of us seem to have either ended up in D/NB or R.
First and foremost, are y'all in IC? MC? Those are ideal really to work through your own issues, trust issues and work on communication in a safe place with your S.
PLT -- My husband & I are moving from FL to MA June 3rd (well, leaving the 1st or May 31st, arriving June 3) so I did make the decision to hold off on counseling until we get to MA... didn't seem too productive to start going here, start paying down our deductible for insurance, and then start all over in MA (we will have to switch health insurance providers). I have already read several books -- "After the Affair," "Intimacy After Infidelity," "Seven Conversations," "Five Love Languages," etc etc etc several times through and my WH is now going through them with me
I'm not sure what kind of a complex this is precisely (NPD, SA, Madonna-whore complex), but he does not actually enjoy the act of sexual intercourse. (I believe this completely.) He enjoys "the moment right before a girl capitulates" because "it's a huge ego stroke."
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 1:16 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
This is a horrible shock and a horrible betrayal. I have such a huge amount of sympathy for what you're going through right now. Nobody deserves that.
After my H confessed his ONS (actually, before and after), he had a plethora of physical problems. Nothing as dramatic as what happened to your H, but he was on a bunch of medication, had several procedures done including a colonoscopy, and was severely stressed out. To the point that I put my own healing on hold to help him.
The problem with that, and the problem with the kind of shame that your H is feeling, is that it cannot go on forever. Eventually people get tired of beating themselves up and calling themselves an asshole, and they want to move forward. But they haven't made the positive changes that they need to make in order to become safe, healthy partners. They still have shit boundaries and/or shit coping skills. So they stuff these bad feelings down in a box and then look for ways to make themselves feel better. And at that point they sure as hell don't want to hear your pain, because they are done with beating themselves up.
That's how I ended up with D-Day 2 and almost divorced.
I understand that your H feels terrible about what he did, but wallowing in shame and self-loathing is not going to help either one of you. He needs to translate his negative feelings into positive action to change whatever was wrong inside him that let him do this. I understand he was high. My H was drunk out of his mind when he committed his ONS. So why did he let himself get so out of control? He needs to take a HARD look at himself. He needs to get into individual counseling.
I would suggest you also get into individual counseling. Focus on yourself, work on YOU. It sounds like you worked so very hard to try to keep your husband happy. You have to understand that what he did has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him. I know you say you want to focus on him getting better, but you cannot do that for him. You really have GOT to focus on you. Don't put your pain on the back burner. He has to fix himself. You cannot do that for him, hard as it is to accept.
I personally think IC for both parties is more important than MC - at least for us that is what helped.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. NOBODY deserves this shit.
DDay was January 24th, in therapy. I had NO idea what was coming. WH gave oral to a ONS at a conference (which NEVER happened at our house, btw)and she gave him a hand job. I got suspicious when he was acting weird months after the fact. She had texted him in Nov. and he got really noodgy and weird so I started snooping.
WH is super remorseful, however, 8 months into this I just don't know if this is a deal breaker for me and I am leaning toward it being. Sucks. We're both in therapy separately. I feel the best I ever have in my entire life (Lexapro, tyvm) except for this shit. We're both starting businesses and luckily, I distract myself a lot more now than I could before but the movies and jealousy and betrayal are still in heavy doses.
Anyone else wanna talk? Tell me it'll get better? Worse?
Thanks for reading and I'll listen to ANYTHING you have to say on the subject. :)
Im glad I dug further to find thread that matches and relates to my situation more. My husband had a ons a few weeks ago and I found out right away.
I have been beginning to feel like I didn't have the "right" to feel the way I do because my story doesn't seem nearly as bad as all the rest of the stories in the other forums.
Maybe because it was a ons and not an ongoing deal I find it easier for me to work through. We are only a few weeks out, but husband and I are in a good place with a long road ahead.
I will say to you it goes get better. The roller coaster ride has slowed, the triggers are less and are mAnaged. I will say this also....we are closer than ever ..... Really . The issue was not just the job... The issues were also within our relationship . Again, not justifying anything ... Just saying that sometimes this can be a real wake up call. Just an example of how our relationship was.... Sex really became a choir. After working 45 hours a week, dealing with 2 children, choirs, bills... Just stuff. I was barely ever in the mood... I actually on occasion told him to get a girlfriend. Did I mean it? No.... But I look back at this... What I said to my husband... I feel sick that I could treat someone like that. We had the long talk about what we both really need in this relationship. I need help with daily choirs and to feel appreciated and he needed to feel loved and wAnted and he didnt want sex to be just a duty. Not too much to ask. The person he was with meant nothing to him. She just happened to be there and she is basically known as the company bar fly...she is always up for a drink and likes to talk up the men and mAke them feel better....stroke the ego I guess. I hAve learned to stop hating her so much because she could hAve been anyone. I do look at the other posts and feel like my situation was not that bad, but I still would hAve preferred it never happened. But, if it never hAppened would we have been another statistic in a couple years? I guess this is the way we look at it.... We can not chAnge what happened, we need to decide what we want, and we need to move forward together. Some days are easier thAn others... But I hAve found out that it is not good to bottle your emotions or thoughts... Let them out.... Let him know how bad the hurt was/is. Our understanding is that there is no drinking at conferences at all. Even though he really never drank before.... All it took was one time for a stupid decision to change our lives forever... Because that is the sad part...we will move on from here but it will always be there... How can you really ever forget. Forgiveness...not there yet.... Hopefully soon.
Reading your snippet was basically reading my own story.
My husband has to travel a lot..... Military so there is no option to just have him stay home and watch. We are basically forced into trying to trust.
My husbands ons didn't mean anything either. He's away for school, got to drunk and liked the attention that someone was paying him. Granted he told stories about his life that were basically true, but didn't include me or my 2 girls, but he was enamoured with the attention she was giving him.
He felt guilty immediately, as in he says he thought of me and what he was doing, combine that with uhm shall we say over indulgence in alcohol, it didn't last long and he couldn't perform persay.
He remembers almost everything, there are a few details he doesn't recall. I do know that within the hour of coming back to his hotel room she was gone.
I actually found out a couple days after it happened from her. She wa deceived as well with his tall tales which made her check into his phone number which is in my name. He gave her a different first name, but same last name. Which brought her to me. I'm almost 100% certain I got the full disclosure within the next 24 hours.
I too had to take a step back and look at our marriage. For the last 3 weeks he's been completely and utterly remorseful. I bring up my part in all this and he gets flustered with me because he accepts full responsibility. I am in no way blaming myself, but I wouldn't be honest with me or him if I didn't realize that even I had some part in his need for attention.
We are in a very good and happy place right now, we have done a lot of soul searching both together and separately (still in training and away) and I don't know how to feel about tht. On one hand I thought it would take forever and a day to be able to forgive and work on trust, but it's coming so quickly and naturally. Kinda scary!
He is completely understanding in my down moments, and wants to help me anyway he can. He knows that what he's done almost cost him everything.
I asked him if he would have ever told me. He said he didn't inted too, but he didn't know how he could look me in e eyes and lie when he came home. I honestly think its best that i found out the way I did, because it gave me time (about a week) to process my feelings and our first face to face wouldn't be detrimental. I would probably feel a lot differently if I did find out from him face to face.
In the past 3 weeks we have done something we really haven't done in gosh I don't know a year, 2, maybe 10? But we talked. About anything and everything. We have been talking and reconnecting pretty much non stop. We both forgot what it was like to be real married people. Not just two people married who live in the same house. We are finding out all over again what it is truly like to be in love and not just loved.
We have vowed to continue to be open and honest about everything. He will answer my questions for as long as it takes, and I am very optimistic that this too will someday be a small, but significant bump down our road of life.
One last item and I promise I will stop talking....even though this site is wonderful and it has helped me greatly....
don't stop talking!! i think all of us need to hear MORE of the crap that you dealt with and that you actually overcame it! i think i speak for all of us when i say that the positive stories are few and far between and for me, at least, that's why i come here. to see that someone in my situation got through it and how they did.
So please, anything you want to share or think is helpful, please post.
i've only posted twice here so far (i've lurked and consumed everything everyone else was talking about for 9 months) but i've promised myself that once i get through this positively, i will post how i did it.