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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
betrayednerd
♂ New Member
Member # 34192
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support folks. It seems like there are just a few of us in "here" right now, but it's nice to be heard.

Jana - It's funny (not really funny, nothing really is right now, but YKWIM) you mentioned this interaction w/ someone you though may have knew what happened. The list of people who know my current situation is very short. WW, OM, the E-"friend" and our therapists and a coworker of mine who lives across the country (who called me 6mos ago to tell me his GF cheated on him).

That being said, when I am out and public and I make eye contact, or have any sort of interaction with a stranger, I just get this overwhelming feeling that they can see something is wrong with me. And if a stranger can, what is my family and co-workers thinking? At work I get the casual "how are you?" and "what's going on this weekend?" and I want to say "I'm horrible because my wife devastated me" and "this weekend I'll probably be writing in a journal for a few hours debating the amount of details I want to ask my wife about..." That would make for some great water cooler talk!

You did great w/ it though ((jana))

((WTWU)) I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not a very sexual person myself, I enjoy it, but my wife and I have often joked that I am the woman of our relationship. Not specifically when it comes to sex, but just the way I am wired compared to most men.

I have a bit of a fear though as we've been going through this 2 month period now of hysterical bonding, and there are many factors fueling it on my part that I'm not sure are healthy. I can't tell you what's fueling it on hers, maybe guilt? Anyway, from my part I've been feeling the need to reclaim things. Everything that has been touched by this ONS. Including here. I feel vindicated in a way every time I get further than the OM did with her. I see him as a failure. I see her as mine. Like I said, I'm not sure where this is headed, but it's been harder lately having learned more and more details. But I don't regret asking the questions or learning every little bit. It does a lot to help me move on. But I fear the intimacy will not last.


When I was younger, I saw other men trying so hard just to get laid, no love. I didn't have the needs or desires like them, probably because I settled down very early, was in love and getting it on a regular basis. But, I saw the games that many of them played. I just saw it again recently when my WW got caught up in it with this OM, who I call a 25yo kid. (WW and I are 32).

He played the game w/ her, very well, but ultimately I have to believe he fell short of his goal(s) (intercourse or at least oral...) because I know how scumbags like him work.

Early on I asked my wife for details about what happened. At the time I didn't think I could get any more specific with my questions. Another month went by and I needed to know more. I was so caught up in the physical aspect of it before. I wanted to know how it started, how far it went, how it ended. Knowing that info hurt and then helped me tremendously early on. This time around I was caught up on the conversation. I had a stack of index cards waiting for her when she came down from putting our son to sleep.

What did you guys talk about the night before at the company bowling outing? (just how we didn't know many people and carried on a casual conversation, where you from, have a family? how long w/ the company?)

How did you leave "it" that night? (didn't even say goodbye to him specifically)

When you were dancing in the club the next night, was he "dancing up" just on you, or others? (me and others, kept steering him back to the group)

On the walk back to the hotel from the club, what did you talk about (just how crazy the club was and how late it was and how we all had to get up so early)

Did he say anything to you when he followed you off the elevator, or you to him? (no)

Did you say anything to eachother when you unlocked your door (no)

He climbs on your bed, you tell him to take his shoes off. What's the conversation like after that (we joked around, complained about getting up early, talked about the night at the club)

You crawl into bed with him, clothed, lights on and nuzzle up to him. He holds you, is anything said? (I tell him how tired I am, and he says the same)

You get up to "get ready for bed" and go into the bathroom. Do you realize what is about to happen. What he is thinking in the other room? Are your mentally preparing yourself for what is about to happen (Maybe it's my naivety, but I never really though of what he was thinking. I was telling myself, there is no way I am going to let this happen. What I've done already is wrong enough, but I am not having sex with him...I had that line drawn...but I still didn't want him to leave)

You get back into bed with him, his shirt is off, do you just crawl back in like before or do you make a move on him, kiss him on the way in. Does he say anything to you when you come out? (Nothing is said, I crawl back in, not kissing him or making any move other than letting him hold me. He starts rubbing my back and pull me into him. I don't stop him)

This next part hurt...I aksed how long the whole thing lasted from the time she came back to bed. She said (15-20 minutes maybe). I stopped and tried to gain my composure and lost it. I though all of my subsequent questions were answered...Things like where did his hands go, where were yours? Was he on top of you? You on him? 15-20 minutes of making out is a long time... I told her that # just shook me a bit...and told her why. I didn't even want to ask those details now, but she offered with "do you want to know..." and obliged to tell. His hands were all over her, but never up her shirt or down her pants. He was on top of her but she never felt his cock against her. She is sure it was there...but said it wasn't like he was grinding on her. The only skin he touched was her belly and her neck. Her hands went all over his back, chest and head. Never below the waist. He never tried to put them there. She remembers stopping things at least three times. The first time was to say "I'm married" and she pushed him away, as if to go to sleep. He didn't say anything, just slowly crept back in and they'd start again. Then the next time to say "do you think I am pretty?" and he didn't even answer. They just started again. Then finally he started to make a motion of going "down there" either to take her pants off to try and fuck her, or go down on her, she sat up and said "no no no" not in a defiant yelling way, but in a no way dude, you're not getting that. She rolled back over and that was it.

They woke up at 6, he got ready, came to the bed and gave her a kiss goodbye which she called the strangest most awkward moment of her life to that point. Not saying any words.

Man...I can't believe I just wrote all that, again. Sorry if it was TMI, but my goal of the night was to learn what they talked about and to get it across to my wife that his goal from the night he they met in the bowling alley was to fuck her, and he almost succeeded. I don't think any of the actions specifically were a goal of my WW. But I know she wanted to be validated, feel pretty and not alone. She got that and more.

I then asked what do you think would have happened if I didn't find out. When he came to "ourcity" would you have met up? Had drinks? Where was this going?

She couldn't answer where it would have gone. She did say she would have seen him, professionally and maybe had lunch or something. Now, she knows that's not happening.

Her fog was short lived, but it was there. Last night she admitted to me she was in it, but didn't realize it until she was out saying "I had 'holy shit' moment about boundaries when I realized a few days after you found out I told you I had lunch w/ my friend Ryan at work...I realize how uncomfortable that must have made you feel and I'm sorry. I've since put walls up and I am hyper vigilant when it comes to other men..." And she has been, going over every interaction. Even tonight she said "how would you feel about me going to this meet and greet after work event a few friday's from now..." I said I'd be okay if you don't drink, what are the details. "a Wine tasting event" I laughed and said, let's talk about it next week :-)

Again, thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. I hope you all have a great Friday.


Me - BH 32
Her - WW (ONS on 11/17)
OM - 25yo coworker (different office 1k miles away)
DDay 11/23/11
Married 5 years, together 12
2 year old child

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU, I wish so much that you guys could see the marriage counselor we saw. She really and truly GOT it. I don't know why, for whatever reason, I personally have never tied sex with love. The first person I had sex with was my long-term boyfriend at age 19, almost 20, then one other person, then my husband, so it wasn't like I had sex with that many people. But only a few days after D-Day, I told my husband that none of this crap was my fault and that he had better find ways to make sure that I was sexually satisfied, because I wasn't going to suffer and feel even more rejected due to his fuck-up. (At the time he didn't want to have sex b/c he was so paranoid that he caught something from the escort). My perspective was more about MY sexual satisfaction than his. I didn't give a shit about his satisfaction at that point.

betrayed nerd, it is really, really good that she is being up-front about answering your questions. That is GREAT. And I totally understand about reclaiming territory. I got really upset with H when we stayed in a hotel a month or so after D-Day and he didn't want to have sex. Well, the ONS took place in a hotel room, so I was pissed that he would do something sexual with some hooker in a hotel room, but not me. He totally didn't think about it from that perspective.

I don't think I was clear in my story about who this woman I ran into at the store actually is. Back in July 2010, my husband had to go on a trip to a city about two hours away to meet with some people for his business. Due to the nature of what he does, he gets lots of free golf. Our neighbor (assbrain) had moved in just a few months before, but Mr. G, our other neighbor, and Assbrain had played golf together a few times. Mr. G knew that Assbrain had a pretty flexible schedule at work, so he invited him to come along so he'd have someone to golf with. The first night they were there, Mr. G got REALLY REALLY drunk and was in what I have learned is called a fragmentary blackout state. He remembers bits and pieces of what happened, but basically assbrain, who had been trying to pick up women at the bar despite his gorgeous PREGNANT wife at home (the one I saw at the store), suggested that they call an escort service, and my idiot drunk sheep of a husband apparently thought that was a great idea at the time.

So they called up the service and ordered up two girls like a pizza. My husband doesn't remember much, but from talking to him and to the escort (yeah, I called her), I gather that the girls came up to the room, and Assbrain had sex with one of them on the bed while my husband ended up in the bathroom with the other one (Tonya!) on her knees in front of him attempting to give him oral sex. He was too drunk to maintain an erection (thanks for that tidbit, Tonya) and eventually stumbled to bed and passed out. They stayed in town for another day and night and then came home. My husband acted like a damn basket case for two weeks, with all these mysterious stomach pains and what-not, running to the doctor and the ER but not wanting me to go. Two weeks after this shit went down, he told me what had happened to the best of his memory. I called the escort girl to verify as much as possible what he had told me. Basically she said Assbrain was more "aggressive" and handled the money aspect, whereas my H just sat on the bed and looked totally out of it. She said he was extremely drunk. I know, at the time, when I talked to her, she told me everything that happened. However, I was so focused at the time on getting answers to a couple of key questions that I have forgotten/blocked a lot of what she told me. I wish I had recorded that conversation. Oh well, who really comes prepared for this kind of shit?

I debated on whether to tell Assbrain's wife but ultimately decided not to based on my lack of knowledge of just how crazy her husband might be - I mean, my H is definitely responsible for what he did, no doubt, but the fact remains that he's been on dozens of these trips and nothing happened, yet he goes on one little trip with this guy and this shit went down . . . and Assbrain apparently thought none of it was a big deal and didn't see why my husband was freaking out - my husband kept warning him that if he had caught anything from the hooker, he could pass it along to his wife and hurt the baby - and Assbrain was like no, it's cool, I used a rubber. So anyway, due to the fact that this guy lives two doors away from my young daughter, drinks heavily, apparently has no soul, and has guns in the house that I have personally seen with my eyes, I decided not to tell.

So his wife is the one I saw at the store. If she knows some part of what happened, or all of it, and hates me for not telling her, well, I can't much blame her.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayednerd the details of what was said were important to me too (it's a little complicated in that my WH did have a ONS with two hookers but he also had an EA with another OW, this one he took out on 'dates' -and kissed at least once- when he was in her country)


I too wanted to know exactly what they talked about but I have never gotten more out of him than "small talk"... Hmmm, "small talk" with a woman he took out no less than 3 times (and was trying -unsuccessfully- to get into bed) one of those "dates" was an afternoon by the hotel swimming pool followed by dinner for two. Both before and after that 'date' they were both in his hotel room, before to change into swimmers and after to show and change for dinner. All that opportuntiy to talk yet all he said to her was "small talk". I'll never know the depth of their conversations as now I get "it was all too long ago, I don't remember"


I know she knew he was married, aside from the very thick gold wedding band he wears he's told me he did 'mention' that he had a wife and 3 children back home (guess I shloud be glad I got a mention) I guess some women don't mind "prostituting" themselves for a few very lavish dates (all on the company credit card so no expense was spared trying to impress her)


when I am out and public and I make eye contact, or have any sort of interaction with a stranger, I just get this overwhelming feeling that they can see something is wrong with me. And if a stranger can, what is my family and co-workers thinking? At work I get the casual "how are you?" and "what's going on this weekend?" and I want to say "I'm horrible because my wife devastated me"


Oh boy, can I ever relate to that ^^^ betrayednerd, I don't work but do volunteer and apart from that I barely go anywhere anymore, when I do I avoid talking to most people, it's just too hard some days.


Her fog was short lived, but it was there


I'd have to say the "fog" hurts almost more than the actual betrayal. If they really wanted us and the marriage I can't understand how they can remain 'foggy' IYKWIM My WH only really got completely out of the 'fog' in the past few weeks IMO it's been a long, slow and (for me) devastatingly hurtful process. A couple of months following DDay we had wonderful HB but then I caught him out still lying to me about his whereabouts, activities and company he was keeping while overseas again... and the HB ended abruptly.

I often wonder if my WH hadn't continued lying to me and had 'de-fogged' immediately if the HB would have continued (it would have slowed down a bit 'cos I dont think either of us could have kept up that pace for too much longer LOL) but I'll never know.

I don't know why, for whatever reason, I personally have never tied sex with love. The first person I had sex with was my long-term boyfriend at age 19, almost 20, then one other person, then my husband, so it wasn't like I had sex with that many people.


I always have Jana♥ even before I ever had sex IYKWIM that's the way I remeber it anyway but maybe it is because he is my only sexual partner... not too sure anymore, it was all such a long time ago but I do remember I had the opportunity to have sex before I met WH but I never took up the offers. Was I waiting for someone I "loved" or was it just all timing and chance? I just don't know anything anymore.

Jana♥ on DDay this was pretty much how I felt too...

I told my husband that none of this crap was my fault and that he had better find ways to make sure that I was sexually satisfied, because I wasn't going to suffer and feel even more rejected due to his fuck-up.

...and he did. We were going at it like rabbits for over 2 months. Even when he was away we were (TMI comin, sorry) having phone & skype video sex... and I had NEVER done anything like that before! BUT... once I found out he was still lying to my face... I don't know... something inside me just seemed to switch off IYKWIM my sex drive vanished completely, in fact any desire for sex vanished.


I guess it was a mega dose of DOUBT.


Doubt in WH that he can be honest with me, especially when it comes to this kind of thing. It re-enforced my doubts that IF this was not the first time he would never be honest with me about it, there really is no reason for him to be and he hasn't shown himself to be honest for the sake of being honest IYKWIM. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am protecting myself from further pain the only way I know how at this stage.


We did manage to have a fairly good day over the weekend. We took our DD's out to a local event and had fun. The day was only a little marred by WH getting all snippy with me over something trivial (stemming from his selfishness, which he is still working on) but he managed to redeem himself later in the day with an attitude adjustment (showing complete selflessness and consideration toward me... YAY!) all on his own LOL


Basically she said Assbrain was more "aggressive" and handled the money aspect, whereas my H just sat on the bed and looked totally out of it.


I wouldn't mind betting that assbrain told his wife that your H was the instigator of it all and HE was just the poor fool along for the ride and that 'nothing happened' with him and his hooker because he was too drunk.


Damn, I really loathe hookers! Scum sucking, low life, bottom feeding, miserable, pathetic excuses for human beings... and I don't care what their excuse for prostituting themselves is!


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't mind betting that assbrain told his wife that your H was the instigator of it all and HE was just the poor fool along for the ride and that 'nothing happened' with him and his hooker because he was too drunk.

I start feeling crazy when I think about the lies she must have heard from him. I didn't believe my husband at first, because his story made him sound as innocent as one could be, given the circumstance . . . although he has always maintained that he's just as guilty as assbrain, just as responsible for what happened, etc. But the fact that he did confess to me, the fact that he went so far as to look into getting hypnotized to recover memories (won't work on someone in a blackout state, we discovered - those memories are GONE) - and the fact that the, erm, young lady escort told me her version of events, make me believe that Assbrain probably does this sort of thing often and casually. My husband was absolutely torn to pieces and Assbrain acted like he didn't give a shit. So I know in my heart what's true, but I can't really do anything for her unless she asks me. I'd bend over backwards for her if she did ask, but until then, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

I don't really hate hookers, even now. What I really hate, REALLY despise, is liars. I cannot stand lying, and liars, and especially people who lie to cover their own disgusting selfish asses. I wish that lying didn't exist.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:25 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana♥ please don't take this the wrong way... I kind of envy you because your H confessed.

the fact that he did confess to me, the fact that he went so far as to look into getting hypnotized to recover memories


I know the pain is as great, please don't think I am discounting the pain you've felt (are feeling) but I wish to heaven MY WH had confessed to me rather than lie, deceive, gaslight (God, I really did think I was crazy for a while there) and deny it all... right up until I had concete proof... and then continued to lie to me.


I think I'd feel 'better' about himif he'd confessed IYKWIM I'd fell 'better' about him if he could have been truthful with me from that moment on (Hell, I even told him I would give him a "free pass" if he told me the complete truth from then on about it all) I'd feel 'better' about him if it had eaten him up inside to the point he confessed. He's already told me since that if I had never found the proof and confronted him he would have taken his dirty little (huge!) secret to the grave and THAT scares the shit out of me.

He and I both know that IF I hadn't discovered the proof in all likelyhood he would have done it again. His behaviour when he returned overseas a few weeks after DDay bears that thinking out. He once again drifted into inappropriate behaviours, the drinking, late night partying, lying to cover it all up (if not for the receipts I found I'd still be in the dark about all that too)


He's admitted he'd thought about the possibility of trying it with just one hooker... 'cos he puts it down to there being 2 women with him as the reason he couldn't... 'finish' IYKWIM... IF that is even true IDK I wasn't there but that's what he claims. The reason that fact strikes me as odd (that he couldn't 'finish') is that the only time he's ever had a problem 'finishing' with me was when we had had a lot of sex in the days prior, he was just empty IYKWIM I've NEVER in over 30yrs known him to be unable to 'finish' unless that was the case.


He says may have even entered into a full blown affair with a woman from overseas (the nature of his job had him returning to the same few countries repeatedly) all while perfectly comfortale in the knowledge I would never find out. He was completely enraptured with the 'single' life he could lead while he was overseas, he'd never really had that being married so young... and he liked it. he tells me now it was all just his depression working on him but... that damnable "BUT"

TMI warning...

Last night we were cuddling in bed again and I tried so very hard to get myself into a 'frame of mind' to do something IYKWIM I thought about leaning over and giving him a bj, I wanted to be able to (it's something I've always enjoyed but he'd always kept it as just a foreplay thing, he "thought"-he really should stop thinking and just talk to me!-I only ever did it to please him and wasn't all that into it even though I have told him on numerous occasssions that I DO like to give him bj's) Then the image of him getting a double bj from his 2 hookers hit me & and that was the end of that thought for the night. I once again ended up quietly sobbing in his arms. It's bloody discouraging!


I suppose it's a step in the right direction though, that I could even have the thought of wanting to give him a bj... baby steps, baby steps... blast those baby steps!


I don't really hate hookers, even now. What I really hate, REALLY despise, is liars. I cannot stand lying, and liars, and especially people who lie to cover their own disgusting selfish asses. I wish that lying didn't exist.

I too cannot stand liars, the kids bear the brunt of that sometimes, unfairly 'cos as we all know kids do lie to their parents from time to time, we've all done that.

I still cannot abide hookers but then I never really have been able to. WH and I disagree strongly on them. While he's always said that any married or otherwise involved man who sort them out was a low life, scum bag (yeah... he's a member of the low life scum bag club now, by his own admission) he feels they are a necessary evil. He blames women for prostitution existing... I blame men. He feels that there will always be women willing to prostitute themselves for money but I feel that it's as simple as the law of supply and demand... without demand there is no reason to supply IYKWIM He also feels that prostitution serves as a preventative for rape!!! Can you believe that? I counter with... so then with all the hookers in this country (prostitution is legal in every state here) why is it that there are still so many cases of rape, not 'date rape' but flat out assault rape? Are these rapists merely cheapskates unwilling to pay for their sex? He can't answer that question but holds to his theory. He believes that rape is a crime caused by sexual frustration NOT a crime of violence, an assault... who did I marry? **shakes head** At times I wonder.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU I'm not going to lie - I don't blame you for the way that you feel here:

Jana♥ please don't take this the wrong way... I kind of envy you because your H confessed.

I know the pain is as great, please don't think I am discounting the pain you've felt (are feeling) but I wish to heaven MY WH had confessed to me rather than lie, deceive, gaslight (God, I really did think I was crazy for a while there) and deny it all... right up until I had concete proof... and then continued to lie to me.

I have always had less problem dealing with what actually happened and MORE trouble dealing with the amount of time it took him to come clean and the times after when he was insensitive to my feelings or did stupid like start drinking again or have a phone conversation with an old college (female) friend without mentioning it to me. Even if those things weren't a big deal pre-ONS, they are now, you know?


My point being, it's not the actual act so much that kills us (or, at least - the INITIAL act - to betray you once and then do it again has to be very painful and hard to get over for you - I totally get that) but what follows - and coming clean and not trickle-truthing/gaslighting would have been hugely helpful to your recovery. Honestly, I don't want to be negative, but I don't know if I could get over that. The fact that he betrayed you more than once, and then lied and did everything to cover his ass. That is tough. You never know how you'd react in any given situation, I know, until you're in it, but I don't think you're at all unusual in any way for having a hard time moving past what he did, despite what he may think or try to make you feel.



We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's not the actual act so much that kills us (or, at least - the INITIAL act - to betray you once and then do it again has to be very painful and hard to get over for you - I totally get that) but what follows - and coming clean and not trickle-truthing/gaslighting would have been hugely helpful to your recovery.

Oh thank you Jana♥, you 'get it'...'get me' you don't know how much that means, some days I feel as though I am going a little potty LOL


To this day I don't think my WH understands the depth of pain his ongoing deceit after DDay have caused me. Try as I may, he doesn't seem to think that it was 'as big' as what he'd already done, it's almost as though his excuse of he was still "in the fog" should be suffiecient for me to stop digging into his thought processes at that time. It's all covered with the blanket "I was depressed" explanation.

You never know how you'd react in any given situation


That's just it, I was one who had always said "You cheat, we're done! No excuses, no second chances" and here I am having given him second, third, fouth, and fifth chances (not on actual sexual betrayal but betrayal all the same)

I did talk to him about what he'd meant the other night when he asked while we were cuddling if I felt up to anything more, he says he just meant more intimate touchng and stopping if/when I felt uncomfortable. I am quite relieved to know he wasn't meaning "can we have sex?" I did tell him about my attempt to get into the frame of mind to do something sexual and the outcome of that and he seems to understand or at least be sympathetic to it so that's big leap forward in him as far as empathy for my feelings go.

On the bright side, the unsolicited apologies, expressions of gratitude and remorse from him that had slackened off a bit have now returned.


My new mantra might just have to be "I think I can, I think I can" LOL

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 6:02 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, January 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, long time no see

I'm not going to lie, I didn't read all of the replies since my last visit to the thread. I've kind of pulled back from SI in the last month or so. I mean I'm still here waaay more than I should be. But I'm at a point where I open General and I'm like....nooo nothing to relate too (I never really posted much in Gen to begin with). So I move onto Reconciliation. And lately nothing has stood out so I might open a thread and not really have a comment. Then I'm onto Wayward and normally I'm like "wbf better start doing...." But lately nada. There'll be posts throughout that I'll read and find interesting but I guess I'm just detaching from the topic. Good thing hopefully? I've been lurking around Off Topic more than anywhere lately.

But the thing with THIS thread is it still manages to trigger me. I guess because I can SO much more relate to everything the ONS encompasses. But this means that I don't read and post in one go. AND I don't read OR post in here on my phone. So in might be sporadic but I am still here and I do think about you guys and hope you are doing well.

We've been doing pretty well way up here in the north. He's actually brought up the ons a few times on his own. Not really to discuss but when I react in certain ways he'll recognize that this may be a bigger reaction due to certain events that transpired. I think that's really what moved us onto whatever stage were at now. That after 1 year (even though it took him a while to get all the way there) he knows that the issue isn't dead and buried.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol25♥

But the thing with THIS thread is it still manages to trigger me

I get that, being in a lot of threads can tigger me LOL so I tend to only read and not post too much, especially when what I read triggers me badly and I get a bit riled up IYKWIM


We've been doing pretty well way up here in the north. He's actually brought up the ons a few times on his own. Not really to discuss but when I react in certain ways he'll recognize that this may be a bigger reaction due to certain events that transpired.

Tha sounds like a positive move in the right direction!


I think that's really what moved us onto whatever stage were at now.


**nods in agreement**


That after 1 year (even though it took him a while to get all the way there) he knows that the issue isn't dead and buried.


Hmmm... it's taken my WH fully 2 years to get to that point but he's there now and I hope he realises this "issue" isn't ever going to be "dead and buried" I do hope it will affect me less in the years to come but "dead and buried"?... ain't gonna happen for me.

I had a bad day yesterday, no particular reason, it was nothing he had or had not done recently IYKWIM it was just me. It could have been the date (during our first attempt at R and he'd returned from the Hell Hole and lied to me about a lot of stuff) or it could have been that his gps tracker has been playing up lately leaving me with no way to track his whereabouts during the day.


It was just me feeling that I was just a pathetic, middle aged wife, fat, wrinkling, sagging, and nonsexual whose husband had gone out and fucked two women young enough to be his daughter... just because he felt like it, just because he could and just because he wasn't getting sex from me at the time and he thought he was entitled to sex and if he wasn't getting it from me then he was entitled to get it somewhere else IYKWIM

Yeah, I know, it wasn't about me, it was about him and how his thought processes were skewed, it was about his selfishness, it was about his conflict avoidance & inability to communicate effectively with me... but some days it just doesn't help knowing that... yesterday was one such day.


To his credit, WH did all the right things I got compassion, understanding and patience... not defensiveness, aggression and that iritating "When will you get over this? It was just sex!" vibe that he used to have going on.


Baby steps, baby steps... blast these infernal baby steps! I want to move onto the leaps and bounds already!LOL

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 8:44 PM, January 22nd (Sunday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the drought is over as of last night... don't know how I feel this morning... still processing it all.

**sigh**


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, hi! So glad to hear that you're doing well.

WTWU - OMG! That's huge! How are you feeling now?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not too sure how I feel about it Jana♥, I guess I was expecting to feel... different. Maybe I thought it would feel... healing... but it didn't. All I was doing was scratching a very long overdue itch IYKWIM I wanted an orgasm and I used him to get one (or two or three)


I almost felt 'outside of myself' while it was all happening IYWKIM as though it wasn't me. For me it was definitely not the 'reconnection' I was hoping it would be... perhaps because WH always goes on about how 'sex is how he connects' (and so many therapists are of that opinion too, that is how men connect with women, through sex) yet while we were "connecting" our asses off with HB he could still betray me, still lie to me and still crave the excitement and "rush" of the partying lifestyle that he had during his period of infidelity. The lifestyle that ultimately lead to his infidelity. It leaves me with very little faith in the power of sex as a connection.


Last night I couldn't sleep. We cuddled once again and he asked if I was up for more than cuddling! We had sex the previous night for the first time in 22mths, I have told him how important non sexual touch is to me atm and the first thing he does is ask for another go?


I felt like a fuck doll!


I tried to explain to him how I was still struggling with the unknown, still struggling with the fact that only very 3 minor pieces of information was all he has ever volunteered, everything else I discovered or he tripped himsef up with his lies. I don't know how to trust that this was the "first and only time" he's ever done anything like this (and that doubt is eating away at me little by little, bit by bit, I know that but I dont know how to stop it, no counselor has offered any effective method so far) How the hell does anyone make the leap from over 30 yrs of fidelity to a threesome with hookers? It doesn't help that EVERY counselor/therapist I have spoken to is of the opinion that you don't, no one does, it's a gradual process and one he's "worked up to"... meaning that none of them, with their years of experience in the field of infidelity counseling believe that this was his first excursion into infideltiy either (it doesn't help that every single non-professional person who I have told feels the same way... UGH!)


He did do all the right things though, held me, tried to soothe me... but he and I both know there is nothing that can be done about my doubts on this issue. We ended up having sex again but it was just that, 'sex' not 'loving making', not on my part. I got what I wanted and that was all it was to me. Once upon a time I felt that we were 'special', that we had something 'special' and a huge part of that was wrapped up in our 'one and only' status... that is lost to me know and I don't know how to feel any kind of 'special' again.

I found an article that describes it to a "t"...

Couples who were virgins when they got together often struggle more, because they had a cherished purity in their relationship that is the exception and not the rule. For these couples an affair adds additional loss, They can no longer say neither of us has ever been with anyone else.


I feel that loss everyday, I can no longer joke about being "the best he's ever had" becasue once it was a given, I was the only he'd ever had so therefore I had to be the best. I can no longer say that... and it hurts.


There is no way for me to back track and prove anything one way or another, he's tavelled off and on for so many years with so many different companies most of our married life. He doesn't keep in contact with anyone he's ever worked with so no old friends I can ask if they ever saw anything untoward IYKWIM, all his phones and laptops were company property so all are now unavailable to me from the jobs he has left. The "gut" feeling I had few times over the years may have been way off base, or may have been right on the money... BUT I can't prove a damn thing. Once, when I still believed that MY husband was incapable of having sex with no emotional attachment, I had a sense of security in that knowledge. He didn't have time to get closer to another woman ad he worked mainly with men while away... but now that I know he IS capable of that... it calls every single trip away into question in my mind.


Not KNOWING is killing me. A polygraph is out of our financial reach just now (they are hellishly pricey here) so here I sit... wallowing in doubt, doubt about him and self doubt... and hating it. There is NO incentive for him to tell the truth IYKWIM I cannot verify anything so all he has to do is keep his mouth shut and I will be none the wiser... perhaps if he'd confessed to me, perhaps if he'd been open and honest after DDay instead of continuing the lies to allow himslef to behave badly and then lie to protect himself from my reaction I would be better able to trust one word that comes out of his mouth... instead of viewing him as a man who will lie to protect his own ass everytime and to get what he wants.

I hate the word "IF" now.


I know, time... time... time... and then more time... I am so sick of time.


[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 11:58 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
ttlshocker
♀ New Member
Member # 31997
Sad  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Just when i thought I was doing so well...whamo. My therapist had suggested I limit my time on here (so I resorted to an even worse site-(I'll explain later) but right here is where I feel I need to be right now...SI

Just had a "meltdown" with husband after crying (and saying things I wish I could take back) all afternoon. Had my individual session yesterday and I am back to obsessing about 'her' and the incident. What she looked like, details of their 'encounter'...I want to know as if I had it on video! (ew! okay maybe not that far) I have even been looking at every posting on the new local websites that advertise for these types of "services". He still claims he does not remember much. I feel he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me something good about her. But I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like by her continuing to be a 'mystery to me'-she might as well be 'the secret'. I asked him to look at tv, magazines, people we see on the street and just let me know what I am up against. He insists he doesn't remember much but would def tell me if he did. I know my brain is wired-I just obsess on things. But I just thought I was over that part...I was finally able to accept...did I just say accept?!...without the gorey details. But now, I'm back and wanting every single HONEST detail which apparently he does not have many. Any advice out there?? I swear I think I am losing my mind.
Doesnt' this roller coaster suck where things are going good and then WHAMO, you are ready to hit rock bottom.

Any suggestions on how to deal with not getting answers you really think you need to have?


d-day 4/3/2011 (he was forced to confess) - ONS 8/10
Me-BS, 39
WH-39
Trying to R

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2011
betrayednerd
♂ New Member
Member # 34192
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry TTL... I've only been on this ride for a shirt while. It's one that I wish I wasn't tall enough for!

Anyway, I am a lot like you. I need the details. Fortunately in my case I feel like I am getting them from my WW.

I wasn't at first though. I knew what happened (by spying) but I wanted to hear it from her. I backed her into a corner and finally said... "I know something happened, and I am going to just assume the worst and pray that it's not as bad. But from this point on, I'm assuming the worst."

She was still in her ONS fog, but I think this gave her an opportunity to come out with it.

I don't know if it's any help in your case, but as hard as it may be, if you get it in your mind that they did everything possible under the sun in every which way possible and express that to him...maybe he'll start to conveniently remember some things...


Me - BH 32
Her - WW (ONS on 11/17)
OM - 25yo coworker (different office 1k miles away)
DDay 11/23/11
Married 5 years, together 12
2 year old child

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2011
ttlshocker
♀ New Member
Member # 31997
What?  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks betrayed and I am sorry you find yourself here as well. I was trying to catch up on the thread (I had to promise my IC that I would stay off here for a while...I guess I relapsed, huh?!

WH swears he can tell me all that he can remember. IC says I am dwelling and need to "get over it" and that WH appears to be incredibly remorseful and doing all the right things. That it is very possible he doesn't remember the details such as her name (she was a "working girl" IYKWIM) , color of eyes, what the place looked like, etc.

Jana-I know our story is somewhat similar and as I tried to catch up on the thread, thought I saw that you actually had talked to ow. Was curious if you didn't mind sharing or could send me a msg, since both of our OW were "working girls" how you were able to track her down? For some reason, I just have this burning desire to just lay eyes on WH's ow just once. I think it may be impossible at this point but I think it would leave nothing else for me to wonder about...

Thanks! I have been away from SI for a while (as I said earlier, due to my therapist making me agree to stop) but hope everyone is doing well and taking care of yourselves!


d-day 4/3/2011 (he was forced to confess) - ONS 8/10
Me-BS, 39
WH-39
Trying to R

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ttl, I'm replying from my blackberry so I apologize for any typos. After Mr. G pulled his little stunt, he started having really bad stomach aches, headaches, etc. As you can probably guess, he was psyching himself out from stress, anxiety, and guilt from what he did. A couple of days before he told me, he went to the ER, of course telling me to stay home w/ baby green. He called the escort service and talked to the girl to ask her when/how often she had STD testing. When he confessed to me, he told me about that. That night I got his phone and looked up the number. I'm still surprised to this day that she was there and that she talked to me, but she did. I guess she figured that I already knew and that he obviously wasn't going to be throwing any repeat business her way so she might as well just be honest. She actually told me a lot but then hung up abruptly - I seem to remember someone in the background yelling - I think someone else might have made her hang up.

I understand the urge to see her. I searched on all kinds of seedy "hobbyist" websites trying to find a pic of her. I even considered making my H take me to the city where it happened and track her down. I remember telling him that I wanted to know everything down to the color of her shoes. He doesn't know. He will never know those details. Tonya the hooker was able to tell me more about what happened that night than he was - he was just too damned drunk. All he could tell me was that he thinks she had brown hair and he thinks she was skinny.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this and frankly I think it is quite shitty of your IC to tell you to get over it.

FWIW I totally understand the urge to lay eyes on her. I'm just not sure if it is possible, unfortunately.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
ttlshocker
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Member # 31997
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jana! Had to laugh (while feeling incredibly relieved that it's not just me being crazy) about the shoe comment because I just asked WH about the shoes the other nght as I was trying to let him know I literally meant 'every single detail'!

Yes, I am spending way too much time searching those wonderful websites, copying and pasting and emailing them to WH for confirmation. Problem is, because of the time that has passed and her probable transient lifestyle, it probably isn't likely that I will ever actually find her. Just need to somehow find a way to deal with and accept that...going through one of those unfortunate times where I don't know that is possible.

Thanks for responding Jana...reallllly appreciate it!


d-day 4/3/2011 (he was forced to confess) - ONS 8/10
Me-BS, 39
WH-39
Trying to R

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, February 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back again - and again I didn't really follow what you guys have been saying sorry! I have hugs for everyone who needs them.

So we went from great to...well not. See year 2 has been good for me, I felt like I've managed to move away from the ons. Year 2 for him is about the equivalent of year 1 for me ie. a mess.

I guess he kind of reminds me of your H jana, when he thought he was horribly ill right at the beginning. He went to the doctor yesterday and long story short, he *probably* has extreme anxiety and depression. But he's going for tests on Tuesday to make sure it's not anything else. Silly me, I volunteered to go with him -well not silly, I didn't really know exactly what was going on yet.

So he and doctor discussed what was causing all of his stress and apparently I'm top of his trigger list. So we ended the talk saying that we would give him time to work on his health -ya important, he really was a mess, hasn't been eating/sleeping etc. But now it's seeming more and more like there is no relationship going on.

His version of that focus time, is us being on a break. I've always had a pretty clear view of taking breaks and it was that I wouldn't do it. But I agreed, because ...it stopped seeming like I had a choice. But this is really killing me.

HE needs a break? You know, I kinda think I know exactly how he feels. Can't eat? Can't sleep? Panic attacks? Ya, been there. And yeah, I took a few days, but I never considered myself single during that time. But now HE needs a break to handle this? He changed his fb status to single...oh you have no IDEA how much I hate fb...I actually deleted my account because I just can't handle all of that stupid drama. I didn't want the change because I don't want to have to explain to people. People, 95% who don't even know about the ons, just know that we've had a fan-freaking-tastic relationship for 6 years, now see that he's single and I'm unsearchable. I have essentially ignored my phone with the exception of our dear poopylala. I feel like this broke me. ...us?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww <3 I've never been called anything cute like that!

So a bit of an update- I haven't been on SI like at all for the past few months. Just focusing on working over the winter break to save money, been back at school for a month now and I'm doing well there.

Tsol and I talked about dropping "wbf" and calling them by their nicknames but I guess here I'll refer to him as fwbf. I'm so sad for tsol and what's happened with her and wbf

Betrayednerd, I totally get the stranger thing with feeling like they can see through you. I actually have the opposite problem. When I meet new people like when I started my new seasonal job this past winter, I told one of my coworkers about how we went to counseling but the friends I've known for a long time and don't talk to often I've told about the As and I feel now that I've over told it? Like I wish I could take it back but at the same time I also know I don't want it to be some huge secret. I only told people I could trust to keep it quiet. The rhetorical questions are interesting. I asked fwbf on a talk shortly after Dday if he thought about how they could've gotten pregnant and he said he didn't know and I just kept on and on about how his actions have consequences blah blah blah. Needless to say it wasn't a very productive part of the talk as the future is always unknown and hard to foresee.

Jana, I wish everyone was mature enough to be honest and deal with the consequences. But of course being honest would also mean no more stealing, no more lies, no more deceit, etc etc.. That'd be a badass world!

WTWU, rape is about control and I wish more people understood that. It's never about sex. I just started seeing a new ic this past week to deal with FOO issues and mentioned that growing up my dad was very controlling, hes very NPD, high anxiety, etc and always had nightmares about him trying to rape me and that I'd read up on it and it meant invasion of space. He agreed and also said rape is about control so that aspect really applied to me IRL. I too hate hookers. In high school economics, you learn about supply and demand (well I did anyways) and at the highest level of demand is the lowest level of supply (people want what thye dont' have...) and so there must be demand for there to be supply. However I think this is a chicken and egg situation- which came first... men wanting the sex or women putting out? Idk but I do know either way that anyone in a committed relationship should not be visiting hookers unless the SO is aware and APPROVES. THat's the big thing that people don't seem to get. Their actions influence you. It's like I was telling my mom today about how I don't get why people are so into alcohol and if fwbf ever got really into it, I'd leave him because I don't want his hypothetical drinking to cause me stress and anxiety, to end up with me getting hurt, etc etc.

So Valentine's day is our 5 year anniversary and I got fwbf some fun stuff for making food since we enjoy making stuff together. But I realized yesterday that I don't think I trust him with money. At least not when it comes to big things that affect me. We're both saving up to go halfsies on a used cash car this summer (it'll be my first car that'll become his work car when I can afford a loan for the Jeep I want) and then also taking a trip together to visit my family in Denmark this fall. He doesn't seem to save money for these things and set that money aside and recently he wanted this gun and asked me to make him not want it. Long story short, I was being honest about how he needed to save for the car and the trip but that "wasnt enough" because he "still wanted it" so I thought this was a game. In the end I made a tasteless joke to play along that I wouldn't have sex with him if he bought the gun and it was me or the gun. I've alwas been adamant about how I hate when I hear eople use sex as leverage for what they want. I thought this whole thing was a funny thing. TUrns out it wasn't. I got upset because he asked me to be the bad guy and then got mad at me for it. I was also upset because if he wasn't joking then that meant the things that were important to me weren't so important to him. A few days ago he found a spoiler for his car he's been wanting but stumbled upon an amazing deal on it and then felt really bad that he could've used that money to get me this purse I really like (but really... I'm not giong to spend 200 on a purse when I already have a nice one) after telling me he couldn't get it for me because he idnd't have the money. I really don't care about the purse enough and I was glad he got a good deal. So clearly it's the small things that don't bother me but the huge things that REALLY get to me. Have any of y'all ever had issues with this? I told him money is the #2 cause behind divorce and I didn't want us to bicker over money. I know we're in a committted LTR but don't live together or share bank accounts. It's his money to do with as he pleases but when it's something that involves me/something important to me, I want to know he's taking it seriously. It's my FIRST CAR and a major trip overseas to see my family that I've seen three times since 1998. So we talked a little more about it and I suggested making separate accounts to keep the money he knew he'd need later aside so he could know how much he really had available at any given time to spend.

Growing up sure is a pain...

ETA: I don't like posting in general about issues that relate to the relationship and I feel like it doesn't belong in OT.. I hope it's okay with y'all that I posted in here?

[This message edited by poopylala at 5:53 PM, February 13th (Monday)]


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll admit I am a little envious of those of you who are able to talk to each other IRL... being a world away from most of you sometimes adds to my feelings of isolation, posting times are often "off" due to the time difference and I have to take care when I post as I don't particularly want my WH reading my thoughts (as sometimes I am just venting here IYKWIM)... I am so glad I have this means of communicating with you all though (don't get me wrong S.I. has been a lifesaver to me, I'd have been committed long before now if not for this place)


(((tsol))) I'm really sorry that your wbf has decided to "take a break" on the two of you because you are the trigger for all his stress and assoicated health problems. I'm sorry but that sounds an awful lot like blameshifting to me. You deserve more from him Hun♥ and I'm very sorry for what you are having to deal with atm (and I agree with you about FB I too have deleted my account, can't stand the bloody thing)


Poopylala♥ personally, I don't care what you want to discuss in here, if we go a liitle off topic well... it's just us in here isn't it? Who cares LOL

As for the money thing... WH and I being married for over 30yrs do have intertwined finances LOL he's the one who is the breadwinner (I've been a SAHM for about 10 of those 30yrs, working part time in between having babies) but... he's also the one who is damned irresponsible with regards to spending.

I look after the finances (by mutual agreement but I would rather he help a bit and not leave all the worry to me IYKWIM) but he's the one who pouts whenever he wants something and I have to be the one say we don't have the money... like it's all MY fault (he's very adept at backing me into the role of "the bad guy") I can't tell you the amount of times he's een given a budget to buy something (usually a computer bit) and he blows it, horribly, all with the same lame excuse that the new 'bit' needed another 'new bit' to work properly and then that required a whole lot of other 'new bits' as well **sigh** (no joke, one Christmas his budget was $200 and he spent closer to $600!... while I got kitchen appliances that we NEEDED for Christmas!)


It builds resentment and that's not a good thing. We're now trying to address all this as well... we have a lot of things to address these days.


My WH's take on rape really worries me but that is something I feel we will just have to 'agree to disagree' on. I've always felt it was about power, dominance (or control if you prefer, it all means the same thing) I would like to change his viewpoint but he firmly believe what he believes and thinks it's "wrong" of me to try change that thinking.

I'll just have to console myself with my belief that perhaps he thinks that way because maybe he (like many other men that I have heard tell of from my GF's over the years) have had the "rape fanatsy" at some point. Not actually WANTING to rape someone (Hell NO!) but having the 'fantasy' played out. To them it is about the sexual aspect, the 'fantasy' and having "control" of that with a willing partner IYKWIM ... Gosh, that sounds bad doesn't it? I hope you get my gist here, I am NOT hinting that my WH has rapist tendancies, it's just I have heard it to be a fairly common fantasy (for some men and for some women, not one I've had though so maybe I am strange, maybe they are... who knows LOL) and one that husbands and wives in a loving way have played out (with the emphasis on "played") as a sexual fantasy, nothing more sinister IYKWIM

I just have a very hard time that he feels this way since he IS the father of two daughters... in some way I feel that should have changed his views in some way.


I have a lot to say today, too much to post (as this one wasn't long enough!)and it's all a little too sensitive to post here anyway but I have put it all in my S.I. journal entry for today... if anyone cares to leave me some feedback on it here... that'd be fine.


**edited 'cos I hit 'submit message' too soon LOL**

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 7:27 PM, February 13th (Monday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
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