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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry ((WTWU))

I think we all have questions that feel unanswered...

We're all so hurt because of the betrayal...

It wouldn't prey on my mind so badly excpet I have had that awful "gut" feeling before but ususally dismissed it as me being a little insecure. On two occassions I definitley remember asking the question (and of course I got a denial) but now... I'm not so sure

This is EXACTLY my situation right now... there were times in the past that I "suspected" something, but didn't persue it as my youngest was too small and I was in my own "fog" due to lack of sleep, overall fatigue from having 3 young children, and the fact that compartmentalizing got me through that time...

He was very different then... for about the past 3 years... I suspected but then thought maybe he was adjusting to the new life of three young kids vs. two... my need for him more, and other pressures at work (my timeline traces back to the summer of 08 when I was in the fist trimester of my third, and leading up to the market "crash" in the fall of 08... We lost quite a bit of money...

Life is hard... Infidelity almost makes it unbearable... but it's the lies... makes us think, who is this person I married?, how did this happen (right under my nose)? and how did I believe that I could have been an exception to this?... I'm just another statistic... it sucks... but it's the reality... Now, I think HOW do I get through this unscathed? How to I pick up the pieces to become "normal" again... Where do I go from here???

Truth is, it'll never be the same... BUT...I have the power to create a new normal for myself... like poopylala, I have to quit being co-dependant... I need to quit waiting for answers that I may never get... and start living MY life the way I want to... What have I got to lose??? HIM??? Not a bad trade off for the happiness I deserve and the happiness my kids deserve???

I relate so well to most of your stories...

Sometimes they hurt because I can "feel" the pain of the other BS that I am going through... but they also help me think a bit more clearly about my situation, because as I am reading them, I can detach emotionally from my pain and focus on your pain... the advice I want to offer you all and others on SI, gives me the answers I am looking for... bizarre... but true...

My goal as I approach the 1 year mark is to set goals for myself... I want to lose the 25 stubborn pounds from my last pregnancy and from the "funk" I've been in for the past 3.5 years... I want to be more active and healthy, and I want rediscover the essence of who I am... His infidelity may have changed our situation, but it woke me up from this co-dependant, fog I was in, and I just have to use it as a catalyst for change... Admittedly, I didn;t like who I was for the past few years... I let myself go, I wasn't happy, and I was detached from life... I get why he didn;t like that... but he was weak in not supporting me, and going elsewhere... now I have the strength in that knowledge... I want to lose the weight, and be happy, and find interest in things again for ME (not him) because he made me realize, what we had was an illusion, not a real marriage...

I'm sorry to ramble... I just hope that maybe my musings would inspire you all... will keep me inspired (btw, I lost 10 lbs over the past month and it had nothing to do with my situation, I made the effort to eat healthy and I made the effort to forego the carbs and sweets, I chose to cook myself healthy food that I could freeze and eat to avoid the more calorie rich foods for the rest of the family)... These are small steps in the right direction... but empowering steps, because they are about me...

I meant it before when I said I was becoming more indifferent towards him... I hope he wakes up from his fog before he loses me...

hugs to you all...


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello?!?!

*crickets*

Where is everyone???

I'm feeling a bit blue today... just wanted to say "hi"


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fedup,
I'm here and I read your post but I got into that cycle of typing something out then erasing it. I do that a lot

I've been feeling really stuck lately. I'm tired of infidelity being a part of my life. I feel like I've lost motivation and I'm kind of indifferent. What a lovely way to feel about your relationship eh?

I'm glad you are making you goals for yourself. Things to make you happy and change your focus

((fedup))


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Broken! AMAZING job on losing those ten pounds - and you did it the RIGHT way! That's awesome.

tsol, I'm sorry you're feeling down and "stuck." Sounds kind of like the "plain of lethal flatness" I've heard described here?

I just got back from two days of training in Atlanta. It was fun, actually, but I really missed the baby (and Mr. G, too, but mostly the baby! ) I am TIRED.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay I am new to SI, and my WSO supposedly had one nighter with his exW.

Forgive my if this has been addressed but 41 pages

How do you know it was 1 night? I knew something was up & if I trace it back it was probably "the" night.
He hasn't been strange since, actually relaxed aalmost at peace.
Is this a sign it was really 1 nighter & his guilt was at him? Now it is out there, relaxed?
I just hate this!!!


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya Broken, I'm much like Tsol in that I type a lot more posts out that I actually post LOL (part of it is the fact that I know my WH reads SI but thus far I don't think he reads this thread, I don't know that he knows my ID but I don't like to post stuff just after it's happened IYKWIM)

Well done on the weight loss, I have to get my butt into gear and do something on that front.The infideltiy diet saw me drop nearly 20 pounds but most of that has crept back (gee, that sounds an awful lot but I am rather tall and carry the weight fairly well so it's not that noticable to anyone but me... it's not like WH is seeing me naked these days IYKWIM)

Had an up and down week so far he's again fallen into doing the "right things" for a few days then when he doesn't see any return (as in affection from me) it all stops. It leaves me feeling that I am not worht the effort IYKWIM I am waiting for him to give without expectation of anything in return (for more than a few days!) but he's not a "giver" **sigh** I am looking for consistency and commitment and IMO I'm not seeing that yet.

Had a few arguments/discussions over it and one night he was looking all dejected and when I asked him what was wrong I got the dreaded "Nothing" FMD it sent me into a spin. Before all this shit went down I'd ask him what was wrong and I got told "Nothing" I lost it, not because of his eventual explanation that all that is going on with us is getting him down (and the lack of affection, in particular that he still feels me cringe a little when he hugs me... seriously? He fucks two hookers -and all the rest- and I'm supposed to be all lovey dovey? It will hapen but FFS in MY timeframe, not his!) but that he wouldn't share that with me in the first instance. He still hasn't learned to share his feelings with me Grrrr!


I have told him that this time of year is triggery for me 'cos it was this time 2 yrs ago he was overseas and at some point getting close enough to yet another OW to be offered a fuck.


Don't get me wrong I know I have to overcome the 'cringe factor' at his touch and I have asked that he try non sexual touching IYKWIM Brush my hair, rub my back... the things he was doing immediately post DDay that all stopped when the HB stopped when I discovered I'd been lied to again. Makes me feel if he's not getting sex I'm not worth the trouble IYKWIM.


On the upside... I did finally get more details of "that night" so I guess I can close the book on that at least (so why an I so concerned that for two nights following his 'disclosure' of the details he was mumbling and chuckling in his sleep? Fark this shit messes with your head in ways nothing else can! Even his dreams are suspicious to me now!)


Welcome UndecidedinMA

LOL 41 pages is a lot isn't it? Don't worry I didn't read back all that way when I came in here.


How do you know it was 1 night?

That's the sixty four thousand dollar question! We don't know, we can't know and it sucks. All (or much) of what we thought we knew about our WH's has been prove wrong.


In the greater scheme of things (to me) it wouldn't make a huge difference in my decision to R, I just feel 'entitled' to know the truth. It's waiting until I feel I have the truth that is difficult. I still have that nagging feeling of another shoe waiting to drop (but perhaps that is just my skewed thinking atm) Perhaps a polygraph will lessen that feeling for me but getting one here (I'm not in the U.S.) is not at all easy (in fact I've enquired with several companies that advertised on the net only to be told they no longer do them Grrr Update your website people!) and it's damned expensive too, even IF I could manage to find someone that does them.


I just hate this!!!

We're all right there with you in that feeling.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Undecided))

Welcome - I am sorry you find yourself here.

For me it was a rather . . . um, special situation. DH got shitty drunk while out of town and, well, he went along with his stupid assface friend who called an escort service. Horrible. He confessed to me and I was able to independently verify that it was the one time. Sigh.

Are you guys in counseling?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! What a weekend! I am still reeling!(but at the end a huge breakthrough (good breakthrough IMO) for my WH and me.

This is going to be very long (sorry) and very rambling (again, sorry) but it's a long stroy and I can't edit it any more than I have, the details are important and I needed somewhere ot get this out. I don't even know if I can fit it all in one post so I may have to do several.... here goes... please bear with me and just skip to the end if it all looks too long LOL


Kind of went silent on WH, not because I was pissed but I was upset that he wouldn’t share his emotions with me & that’s what got us into this shit in the first place Grrrr) and ‘cos I’ve told him what I need from him and I am not going to hold his hand and guide him through this, I’m NOT his mother! He’s a grown up, about time he started acting like it!


He did all sorts of chores over the weekend, some that have been outstanding for a while so that’s good. And we eventually had a good conversation about stuff (again… good)


Then come Sunday… I was up the shops and get a call from one of my BF's asking to visit so I said OK… (I have been avoiding people quite a bit since DDay and although she's knowm about WH's A's I was still uncomfortable around her since in her own marriage she was a BW and I didn't want to stir thing up IYKWIM) One look at her and I could see she’d lost a shit load of weight, nearly 50 pounds!

When she told me how I was WTF?

OH-MY-FUCKING-GOD!!!… I didn’t see this coming!


She’s been having an affair!

FAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I'll refer to her BH as just her H because it gets confusing since both of them are now BS's and WS's)

It’s an “open” affair in that her H knows about it and has from the beginning… FAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRKKKKKKKK!

Apparently she went to a funeral (kind of a family thing) in February and met up again with her first BF (from when she was 14/15!... OVER 40 YRS AGO! She’s now 55, he’s 62!) and there was some mild “sparkage” and just the general "great to see you again" kind of thing happening. She left it at that but the OM called a her saying how good it was to see her again and could they met up for coffee and catch up for old times sake (Fuck! I knew there was a reason I don’t drink coffee!)


They reconnected over that coffee "date" (which she told her H about beforehand) and she felt something for the OM so they continued to communicate via text, email & phone and of course the ‘feelings’ grew. Since she and her H have had a longstanding agreement that if either of them ever met another person they were 'curious' about sexually they could come to the other spouse and discuss options (that being have a fling and getting it out of their system) Being one time ‘one and onlies’ they felt this was a good compromise to prevent their marriage going belly up to anything as 'mundane' as sexual curiosity. They felt it was a very reasonable and adult way to deall with it.


Having said that, her H had an affair of unknown duration 20yrs ago which he was NOT upfront about. It was all carried out in secret until he ended up leaving his wife and moving in with the OW. He only returned to the marriage about 3 weeks later after his wife attempted suicide.


I always thought a lot of hard work and therapy had mended their marriage (that’s what I’d been told) but as I found out yesterday there was just a whole lot of rug-sweeping going on. In therapy they worked on pre-Affair marriage issues NOT the affair issue per se. He’d never even apologised for the pain he’d caused her and it’s only recently (and after she took up with the OM) that he’s apologised for hurting her (Can you say KARMA?) Sheesh! You think you know somebody! I thought I knew these two, I thought their marriage, while not without it’s issues (like all marriages) was now rock solid!


How wrong I was?


Anyway… when she felt she had feelings for this OM she told her H and while he was not happy about it he said “go for it”... perhaps because of their original agreement, perhaps because he felt he “owed” it to her since he’d had an affair, perhaps because he felt if he didn’t give the go ahead she’s do it anyway and lie about it just as he had years ago.

She was actually quite proud of the fact that because it was all out in the open from day one, she hadn’t “cheated” because she hadn’t ever lied! (can you say FOG?)


So the plan was have an 'open marriage' (briefly) so as to allow this third party to fuck her and allow her to get her ‘freak on’ and "get it our of her system"… BUT…. She’s fallen “in lurve” with the OM!


She moved out of the marital home yesterday to “pursue the relationship” with the OM, to see where it goes…(she’s not moved in with the OM she’s out on her own renting a room from a widow about her age) I suppose that’s better than what she was doing… conducting the affair while still at home, cooking dinner for her family and then going out to “visit” (have sex with) OM several nights a week and then come home to the marital bed. OMG! This explains why I couldn't visit her on a Friday night a while back (Friday nights was always the night I visited, it was a running joke that Friday night was my night LOL) apparently Friday nights was now one of her regular nights with the OM.


I know that she and her H have not had a satisfactory sex life in over 15 years (I now think it was just that their HB phase lasted a long time and when that fizzled out, since they’d never truly done the hard work to R, it all fell apart) Sometimes they'd go for 2 yrs with no sex (No joke! Their average was only 2-3 times a year in a good year) She had issues with pain from intercourse and it was a definite stopper IYKWIM Perhaps it was just all a physical manifestation of the psychological affects of unresolved resentment over her H's affair? Who knows? She was seeking medical help with it, both practical and psychological but to no avail. No one seemed to have any answers for her and certainly no one ever came up with a solution.


TMI coming… she confided in me that part of her curiosity with the OM was to find out if it was her or her husband that ‘caused’ the sexual dysfunction she experienced. Going by what she said… with the OM she’s “firing on all cylinders”. Best sex of her life, including her first ever vaginal orgasm!


Apparently she’s shared most of her “abounding joy” at her new found sexual fulfilment with her H… that the OM can “got at it” for 45 mins (and that’s the OM's version of a quickie) We’re not talking 45mins including fore and after play we’re talking… (sheesh… sorry, way too much info coming)


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cont'd...

...penetration, actual thrusting **blerk** I didn’t need to know that but she’s all excited about her "fantasmagorical" new sex life. She had the… IDK gall (if that’s the word I’m looking for) to inform her H of this, leaving him feeling wayyyyy less than adequate (way to psychologically castrate your husband! Sheesh!)


I don’t know about you but to me that was not “being honest” that was being downright CRUEL!


The therapist her H has been seeing over his sexual dysfunction (he’s had issues with ED and premature ejaculation on and off for the past few years apparently) has stated that the “normal” length of time the ‘average’ male can maintain an erection before ejaculation (and thus an end to the proceedings for the most part) is 8-9 mins! I have to say from my very limited experience-only my WH-that is true. She countered with she… “doesn’t think she should have to settle for average when there is exceptional on offer. He has such stamina it’s like she’s fucking an 18yr old!” (who is this person I call friend?)


Christ Almighty, who the fuck does she think she is?... And what a low blow for her husband! I’ve never considered her a ‘cruel’ person but maybe I was wrong… dammit I’m sure I was!


When her H asked for an opportunity to “compete” with the OM for her sexual favours (I can’t believe anyone would do such a thing) both attempts ended in disaster… the ED and PE reared it’s ugly head so it was a non event IYKWIM. FMD if she then didn't tell her H she shouldn't have to 'put up with that' for the rest of her life… she 'deserves' a fulfilling sex life! WTF!

I don’t know what to feel atm I haven’t really processed all this. She has been my friend for nearly 20 yrs and is Godmother to my youngest child (Oh My Fucking God! Can I change that? Seriously? This is the woman I chose to be a spiritual role model for my daughter? Fuck, I feel like a fool!)


I am seriously reeling over this. I don’t know what to think, she’s my friend but… crap!... I can’t and won’t support or condone this behaviour. I am conflicted, how can I continue a friendship with her when she’s done the very thing I abhor? I have long maintained the view that perhaps IF people in general were to express more outrage, disgust and disapproval of this behaviour it may (and that’s only a 'may') serve as a deterrent to some. Am I, by choosing not to write her off as my friend, in fact condoning by default? I am sooo confused right now.


One of MY issues is that I am too judgemental (sadly I am) I do have a very black and white view of most things and I don’t allow “wiggle” room. To me some things are either “right” or “wrong” (like cheating on your spouse) extenuating circumstances be damned! I have been working on being less judgemental… but do I have the “right” to be just that in this case? I just don’t know.

Sadly I also consider her H a friend but I cannot offer support to him because… well I wouldn’t be comfortable with that IYKWIM after insisting my own WH keep his friendships with women strictly non personal, it would seem like too much of a double standard. Not that I don’t trust my own boundaries but it still seems… wrong (or if not ‘wrong’ exactly it’s certainly not ‘right’ IMO) Perhaps I could extend an invitation for him to come up and visit us (if he feels up to it) when my WH is home, keep it all above board with no hint of impropriety… perhaps I’ll just leave it, that seems the safer course of action. (Crap! See what this shit does to your thinking? You don’t trust anyone! Not that her H has ever shown the slightest imterest in me, or me him ... but... how often have we heard that on here?)


If there is any upside (really struggling to find any upside to this) it's that the OM is NOT married or otherwise in a relationship so there is no BS on his side. Although the OM has been married THREE times (and according to him never cheated on any of his wives, he’s a ‘serial monogamist’, always ending one relationship before he starts another) so I doubt this "thing" will go the distance.


Fuck! What the HELL is she thinking! Throwing 35 yrs away for what? A ‘good fuck’? Is this MLC gone wild or what? Look I know sex is important but IMO it’s not the "be all and end all" of a marriage, there’s more to it than that … or at least there should be! It’s the ‘icing on the cake’ but the ‘cake’ is the substance, the ‘cake’ is where the nutrition is… the ‘icing’ just makes it taste better. If it were me I’d be off to see a sex therapist… I'd have done anything to get things back on track with my WH (I sooo wish I’d been given that option before he fucked around on me but alas, he was not open and honest with me about what was going on inside his head so I never got that chance)

Another mild upside is that their 3 sons are all adults. One has never left home and one has just moved back in after his second marriage went pear shaped because his wife was cheating on him… with 2 men! Her boss (to get ahead in the workplace… how cliché!) and a colleague she’s fallen “in lurve” with.


Sheesh! the Karma bus has been working overtime with this family (I seriously think it's parked outside their house!) since this son left his first wife and 1yr old daughter for this OW (although he denied cheating –don’t they always?- it’s a bit hard to believe when he moved straight in with her and she was pregnant within weeks… and to add insult to injury when he had a son with the second wife he used the name he and his first wife where going to name their son if they had one! Talk about cruel and unusual!)


When will they learn?… If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you… it may be cliché but Hell’s Bells it’s true more often than not!


The one true upside in this in regards to my own marriage is that I don’t want to be emulating this behaviour myself 20 yrs after the fact. A revenge affair after 20yrs! Is that even possible? (LMAO if that were to happen to me I’d be around 68yrs old PMSL it doesn’t bear thinking about!)


While trying to digest all this (and reeling from it) we also discussed another set of friends of ours who are separated and headed for divorce (no cheating involved) but I feel their problems are molehills compared to our mountains IYKWIM and funny (good) thing happened. My WH made a comment about the wife of this couple and it was the EXACT SAME THOUGHT that I was having. This is something we used to do all the time, voice the others exact thoughts, often word for word, we were that much “in sync” with each other… once upon a time. I looked at him and said “You know, that’s exactly what I was thinking, we haven’t done that in a very long time”…. He got quite emotional and actually cried! **shock** I think maybe he realised in that moment just what we had together, what he risked for sex and that feel good feeling… and what we can have again.


I must say that as far as doing things around the house (the ‘husbandly’ type chores) he’s been going flat out like a lizard drinking! Doing everything on my “honey do” list (LOL) and then some! And the big plus is I don’t have to ASK as such for it to be done, I just write it on the white board and “Hey, Presto!” it’s gets done!
Now if only he can pay a little more attention to the sharing of his emotions we’ll get this R train started!


One step at a time… but this step was a huge one and in the right direction for a change.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU-

I had a kind of similar situation which left me flabbergasted...

I have a friend who was the first person I said out loud "I think wbf is cheating on me" and I showed her the emails to OW#2 (didn't know she was #2 atm and I only suspected EA at that point) but still so she saw from DDay onward just how emotionally distressed I was. She saw how much weight I lost that first week (what.. 15ish lbs lost??) And she saw how the PTS really affected my ability to focus on school (or rather not focus on!!) and how I was just so shaken up and I literally just watched each second tick by slowly.. I had NO concept of time or functioning brain or anything! She told me her xbf had cheated on her a few years back and how she constantly verified his stuff and IMO she treated him like a dog rather than working together to R.. But I digress. Long story short, about 6 months after my DDay she called me to complain about her current bf was always working, didn't want to talk about emotional stuff, etc etc and shortly after that, I get a call about how she kissed this guy she'd had her eye on!! Her first words were "You're going to hate me." I tried telling her alot of the stuff I read about in WS but you know what? she was so in a fog she didn't really see it. So I told her "of course OM seems exciting... He's new. But he's friends with BF!! So.. what kind of guy goes at it with you knowing your BF? Not really someone I want to be with IMO" and then some time later she dropped OM. This fall, she was complaining she wanted to break up with BF and then he broke up with her and she was upset! They're back together now and happy but I really sometimes wonder if I should have told her BF what happened..

It's SO hard to see your friends do something because then you kind of wonder about yourself since you chose to be friends with this person. It's like they reflect you only I had to stop and remind myself that my friend is her own being and makes her own choices that do not reflect me. I can choose to condone them or separate myself from them and I've really kind of separated myself from her.

As for your friend, that is just insane. I have no words for you except I am SO sorry and I feel your anger loud and clear!!! I wish people were more honest in life. I'd rather there be less mystery and more openness.

Grrr.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's it Poopylala, she knows what this did to me (Hell she knows what it did to her!) I just don't "get it".

Maybe there are just two types of people in the world...those people who can cheat and those who can't... and there can never be true understanding because those that can't just can't get our head into that space IYKWIM

She told me her xbf had cheated on her a few years back and how she constantly verified his stuff and IMO she treated him like a dog rather than working together to R.


With hindsight I can now see that that is exactly what has happened here... bloody hindsight, always too freaking late to be of any use! She was always a bit... IDK had a tendancy to throw it in his face a bit and he took over all the household chores other than cooking. They both work full time but she did very little of anything around the home, it was almost as if he were her "slave".


Her first words were "You're going to hate me."


Funnily enough my GF said the same but I (unlike you) was not "with it" enough to make too many valid points about this being a fantasy (I really was reeling, almost as badly as the moment I realised my own WH had actually cheated on me) but here's the strange part... she knows it could all be fantasy. She admits that this OM could just be using her... and she doesn't care! God, she was just soooo happy about it all, it was sickening!


It's going to take me a while to digest all this, I feel like I've gone to sleep and awoken in the freaking Twilight Zone!

I can choose to condone them or separate myself from them and I've really kind of separated myself from her.

I am really torn in this as I know when it all goes belly up (and I am convinced that it will go belly up) she's going to need all the friends she can get... she has suffered depression for a long time (meds are only slightly helpful) but now (in a world post my WH's A's) I don't know that I am able to be that for her.. and that saddens me.


I am trying so hard not to judge but... ya know... sometimes it's bloody impossible not to!


(and don't think it's lost on me that if I do remain her friend it could send a message to my WH, a message I do not want him getting IYKWIM maybe I need to examine this thought a bit more)

Crap, will someone please wake me up!


Sorry to rabbit on here but I have no one I can talk to IRL about any of this due to the "sensitive" nature of it all IYKWIM I don't want to be the old gossip monger, even if we don't have that many friends in common, my friends and family have all met her (since she is my youngest's Godmother!)and I don't want to be "that person" I've only discussed this my WH and frankly, given his history, he's (wisely) not game to say anything much.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that people make their own choices but it doesn't have to be black and white IMO.

You can support her from a distance and offer advice on what to find in a counselor or suggest SI to her or things like that which show you support her trying to heal what's broken inside her without saying "Oh it's okay you did a silly little thing but we'll just pretend it didn't happen *wink wink*" because I agree, that'd give the wrong message.

I told wbf about my friend and how I was confused how someone who, just as you said, KNEW the damage and pain cheating causes could still do it! He knew she knew of wbf's and my situation and how this put me in a tough spot. I was glad for his support though. I just kinda hate how their actions affect us, friends and spouses and family alike.

I don't know what to do either. I see my friend at school occasionally. I say hi but then after that where do you draw the line? Like with your friend, do you support her from a distance as she tries to work on herself or do you cut her out completely or do you just ignore and keep going, giving the message that you're okay with it..

It's so tough!! And you don't need to be woken up from anything. I think really it's hard when you don't have people to talk to. I'm lucky I have tsol to talk to during the day. I seriously don't know how I would've survived without her. SI was that for me before I got to know tsol also. I came here for anything and everything because honestly who else understands like we do? ((((hugs))))

I think you should see how things go with her before deciding anything. Just watch from a distance and offer to help her find a good IC or MC or whatever but then just step back and see how she does. I don't know anything about godfamilies but I do know that when you made the choice to ask her, you made it with the best intentions. No one can fault you for that.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome undecided...
How do you know it was 1 night? I knew something was up & if I trace it back it was probably "the" night.
He hasn't been strange since, actually relaxed aalmost at peace.
Is this a sign it was really 1 nighter & his guilt was at him? Now it is out there, relaxed?
I just hate this!!!

I understand how much you "hate" this... we all do... we all hate it, too... mostly, because they betrayed us, and our trust...

I'm so sorry you are here... I'm so sorry you are in pain.

I don't know if it was a ONS, or more with your WSO...
In fact, I don't know if it was just a ONS with my WH, but what I do know, is that I don;t trust him, and it makes me vulnerable to so much... I wonder if there was more, I beleive it... but he hasn't admitted to it (like the ONS)...

I wish I had the right thing to say... but I don't know for myself...

WTWU ~

I think your friend was insensitive to tell you all this, after knowing what you have been through, and how much pain you are in as a result...

Having said that, cheating, is a selfish, narcissistic act... right now, she is only thinking of herself...
If you are not comfortable with her behaviousr and actions, you can choose not to be around her...
I'm sorry... it feels like another betrayal in a way... another disappointment, right? I think poopylala makes a great point...

I think you should see how things go with her before deciding anything. Just watch from a distance and offer to help her find a good IC or MC or whatever but then just step back and see how she does. I don't know anything about godfamilies but I do know that when you made the choice to ask her, you made it with the best intentions. No one can fault you for that.

I couldn;t have said it better myself...

I know you are all gonna think I'm a terrible person, but I've been so hurt by all of this that I've entertained the thought of having a RA... a RONS... I wouldn;t do it... mostly because of my kids and because I know I would regret it, feel ashamed and hate myself cause "I" beleive that infidelity is wrong... but the hurt... the pain... the anguish... the torment... the sadness... it can really make you want to act out... I so badly want my WH to feel all of that, too... but I know, it might make him feel less guilt... and make me feel worse...

The one thing I have learned is that WS's do what they do because something about them is BROKEN...
WTWU your friend is broken somehow... and I'm sorry she's too selfish and broken to realise that you shouldn't have to deal with this...

Why is it that they committed the crime, and we have to do the time???

yeah... Infidelity is a f@cken pain in the @ss...


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So get this y'all - last night my H was showing me the changes he'd made on his website (for the BILLIONTH time). He's got this picture of this girl wearing a headset next to his phone number, and it always cracks me up. I pointed to it and said, "Who's that girl? Does she come over here and answer your phone after I go to work?" And he said, "I don't know her name but she gives good head."

So I punched his arm and said, "Asshole! You don't get to make jokes like that anymore! Are you sure her name isn't Tonya?" (that was the escort's name).

And he said, "There has to be a statute of limitations on it at some point."

So I said, "Fine, you can make jokes but I get to punch you as hard as I can for every joke you make, and I didn't punch you that hard just now, so I'm going to crotch-punch you after you fall asleep."

We were all ha-ha joking during this conversation, but seriously? I'm going to go out and give some guy head, you guys, and let's see how he reacts to me joking about it in 2012.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:01 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

You know something funny...

I was thinking about something like that the other day...

My hubby was always a bit of a flirt... and a bit of a womanizer (I'd catch him checking out girls)

Never really bothered me, In fact, I would laugh about it... it was odd, but funny... whatever, right???

until now...

Now, it disgusts me... now, when I think aback and how he'd be flirty and check out women, I think "what a dirty ol' pig!"
Now, he grosses me out...

I stopped laughing at that kinda stuff...

yeah, i think about the Revenge F@ck, too... but I'd feel worse...

so now I think, even though we are in MC, I don't feel married to the man, so I don't owe him anything...

Boy, am I a be*ch or what???

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 1:04 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember posting in the beginning about considering a RA. I was answered with "you'd only feel worse" by most people and as much as I entertained the thought and almost pursued it, I held back because I realized, "How on earth do I know if he really is single or if he has a gf/wife that I don't know about and then she'd be in my exact position.." Sadly, that is the only thing that truly stopped me. I found a guy at the gym and we were eye-flirting and I considered asking him for his number but when I was leaving I saw him coming down the stairs with his arm around a girl and I knew I'd made the right decision to either work on R or leave wbf. I thought, how could I be upset with wbf doing that to me and then I go do it myself? I told wbf all of this too. I wanted him to know just how hurt I was that I'd actually look at an RA. He even said he wouldn't blame me if I did but I told him I wasn't going to because how did I know what was truth anymore? I couldn't trust anyone's word..


It's a sad world we live in sometimes. All this dishonesty... You see it with celebrities and politicians alot and you begin to expect it from them but what about your neighbor? Your mom? Your spouse? Your son? It's crazy that it happens all around us yet we're often unaware.

undecided, I think the only way to know is to go with your gut. In 5 days, it will be the 1 year mark from when I found the love letter he wrote to OW#1. He told me it was kind of an EA. If you'd read the letter you would be thinking "kind of?? HELL NO. It's full blown EA at LEAST..." Anyways, I asked him about her and got a blanket "it didn't mean anything" answer. A few days later I confronted him about that and the hotel confirmations I found along with emails from OW#2. My initial reaction was he slept with her but then I told myself "let's think this through- he had to go to Beaumont for an EMT rotation and he told me he slept at a friend's family's house. Maybe this was the friend and she told him of a hotel near the hospital he'd be at.." Until we talked I'd tried making sense of it but as usual, when he comfirmed that he slept with her, that proved my gut instinct was right the whole time. I spent a whole day telling myself otherwise!!! My biggest thing I learned in IC is

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Why? Because more often than not it's right. I had this weird gut feeling something was up. I'd check it out and sure enough I found wbf had broken NC with toxic friends aka his groupies from the online gaming community where he met OW#1. Somehow your gut just knows.

My gut kept telling me something was off until about 2 months later, I talked to OW#1 online (she didn't know about me at the time so we had no hard feelings against each other) and she told me it was a PA. At that moment at like 4am I knew I had all the answers that were important to me. My gut finally relaxed. It was the most amazing calming feeling not to be on hyper alert all the time trying to be my own PI and get the answers. You will know when you have the truth. Sometimes they can get a little BS by you but then it doesn't sit well so you ask it again another time and you realize the answers don't match up. But your gut will give you the best indication if you have the right story or not.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, how is everyone doing? This thread is creeping down the page, so I'm bumping it up.

Things are ok with Mr. Green and me. I'm still struggling with the baby issue. A FB friend of mine is whoops-pregnant with her fourth baby, and it's been tearing me up somewhat. I might need to hide her from my feed - so far she's posted her positive pregnancy test and updates about her morning sickness. Sigh.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ons thread friends......I think my rollercoaster cart is broken! Like eventually the cart is supposed to slow down right? Nope lately I feel like I'm going full steam ahead.

Case and point: I triggered watching puss and boots last night! Seriously it happened. You know that G rated movie....G for "some adventure action and mild rude humor". Ok but there's a point where puss and his friend are arguing about how puss was betrayed by him and he could never forgive him. Ya that set me off. Man can I relate to Puss.

The problem that I'm stuck with right now is that wbf has been doing well in every situation I give him the chance to be a part of. But I just don't know. Like I don't know if I'm capable of getting over this. I'm a mess and don't know what to do.

I know the general idea on si is that you don't want to return to how things were. But you know what? There was nothing wrong with how we were. Ok nothing as colossally unsolvable as there is now. We had ups and downs just like any other couple but our relationship was good. And I don't want to have to build a new one. I want what we had. But now it's quite impossible to pick up where we were and sing a little song.

I do have a new ic (don't know if I mentioned that) and it's been going well, I've seen her a few times but have yet to explain the ons yet. She knows he cheated but no details and we've been going back and forth with that and foo issues.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poopylala that's exactly what I am doing, giving it some distance. Luckily we do have the kind of friendship that is not alffected by long breaks in seeing each other so it's not that hard.


The 'funny' thing is I haven't seen much of her since my DDay for two reasons. One is that given her H's prior affair I didn't want to be going on about my situation and possibly cause them to relive it all IYKWIM (silly me, eh? I needn't have worried about that!) and secondly...well, I don't really socialise much at all anymore because I feel... uncomfortable (don't know if that's the right word... maybe jittery is better) All I know is I am "on edge" anytime I am in a social situtaion so I have been avoiding them whenever I can. Too many innocent comments set me off, particularly when anyone asks how long we've been married and when we answer "30yrs" the inevitable question follows "what's your secret?"... I just don't know how to answer that anymore.

I think your friend was insensitive to tell you all this, after knowing what you have been through, and how much pain you are in as a result...


brokenandfedup, I tend to agree with you but I can see how she felt she didn't have much of a choice. I'd have been told by her husband the next time I rang her house to talk to her and I am grateful she spared me that. That would have been a decidedly uncomfortable conversation as (after nearly 20yrs of friendship) I consider her husband my friend too. We've been to all their sons 21st's, wedding etc. and at all our the big family gatherings they are included.


As for a RONS... I've considered it too, off and on... but I have come to realise that it wouldn't make me feel any better about what my WH has done and would just make everything a whole lot worse... and then there's the whole having sex with some random guy???? Not in me to do it when I was 18 and it's not in me to do it now... that much I know about myself. Sex means something to me, it's something more than a bodily function.


Why is it that they committed the crime, and we have to do the time???


Now if I could change this ^^^ I would, for every BS here... and in the world!


Jana my WH knows that joking about any of this is a no go zone... possibly for life for him. If I want to joke about then I can(and I have, once only)... but him? No way, no how... not yet anyway. I've told him I'll give him a 'heads up' when and IF I am ever OK with him making a joke on this topic. I feel I have earned that prerogative!

My hubby was always a bit of a flirt... and a bit of a womanizer


When we first met I thought WH had 4 GFs LOL he was very popular with the girls but they were really "just friends" One is my BFF to this day! He was not what I would call a flirt once we were together but 'overly friendly' at times?... Yes! And the checking out other women... Oh, yes! He's stopped that now... since an incident in a local store a while ago... Grrr! I was standing right there FFS!


(((Jana))) sometimes I think it would have been better (for me) if this had happened when I was younger and not married for so long but I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with this shit and have it interfer with my baby plans.

I don't know if I'm capable of getting over this. I'm a mess and don't know what to do.


(((Tsol))), I've been a "mess" for most of the past 22/23mths! I know the feeling of not knowing if this is something you can learn to live with (I know there is no way I am "getting over it" for me it's not get overable but I am willing to 'settle' for learning to live with it)

There was nothing wrong with how we were. Ok nothing as colossally unsolvable as there is now. We had ups and downs just like any other couple but our relationship was good.


I totally get this Tsol as I am the same. While we no doubt had "issues" (Hell, we've been togehter for over 30yrs of course there were "issues") there was nothing that was not completely (and relatively easily) solvable with better communication... until this!

On the upside my WH seems to have turned a corner lately (Yippee! And about bloody time!) I again mentioned one of my requirements for R being unsolicited words of comfort and apology from him (and maybe even a little gratitude for my even being willing to stay in this marriage!) has finally gotten through his thick skull! (Hallelujah!) I've been hearing apologies and gratitude expressed by him almost every day... now to see if it continues or if he is only placating me (he does this) If he means the words they should continue until I tell him I no longer need to hear them... that's my theory anyway. This is how he can show his true remorse to me.


Added to this, he's need a veritable dynamo getting things done around the house! Anything that is on the "to do" gets done... without me having to remind (nag) him! I only have to mention in passing that something needs to be done and... Hey Presto! It's on the list and next thing I know... done!


As a result of all of this I am feeling better about "us"... not better about all he has done but I figure that is going to take a whole lot more time... but better about "us" and where we are heading. That's progress in my book.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that little high didn't last long... pardon me while I vent...

Yesterday WH came home early since he's had a few early starts and doesn't get paid overtime Grrr... anyhoo... when he got home he noticed our youngest DD was not around and asked where she was (the older two kids both work) I told him she was at a friends house and would be home in a couple of hours (I could see his brain turning this information over... we had free time with no kids... and knew what was coming, I was hoping it wouldn't but I feared it would)

We were sitting outside, enjoying a cool drink, marvelling at how good the backyard is looking (thanks to his hard work and I did thank him) and talking about our respective days when he starts looking all pensive and I (in the interest of getting this R started) asked him what was wrong. I really should have known better... he said he was just sad that if he hadn't fucked things up so royally we could be having some fun right now (to him "fun" = "sex") FMD!

I know we haven't had sex since early last year (God knows I KNOW! I may be over 50 but I'm not dead yet!) but I have told him just because we commence R does not mean the resumption of sex will be an immediate consequence. I've explained to him that I need to work up to it again, we've started with non-sexual touching (back rubs and hugs) and even been cuddling in bed sometimes (but even those times are sometimes ruined by him commenting on how hard it is for him to hold me yet know he cannot have sex with me atm... let it alone for crying out loud!)

I just wanted to be able to enjoy some "normal" time with my husband and he goes and brings up the lack of sex! I have told him it will happen but not before I am ready, not one minute before. I feel 'pressured' whenever he goes on about it (and he does go on about it) and I know that sex is part of a normal, healthy, adult, marital situation BUT... we're not there yet! I guess I just wish he'd keep that to himself or better yet find another way of expressing his frustration without it coming off as his lack of sex being MY fault IYKWIM ('cos that's what it feels like) It kind of reminds me of the way teenage boys used to carry on (when I was a teenager and dated a few) when they'd get all horney and then get whiney because you would go just so far but no further (I pretty much was a 'first base' kind of girl until I met WH)...even though I was always up front with just how far I was willing to go IYKWIM the old "If you loved me you would"(have sex with me) line... well I managed to counter that every time with "If you loved me you'll wait!" (unitl I am ready)... maybe I should try this on my WH now and see how that goes.

I am just disappointed that we seemed to be going so well (albeit for only a few days) and he has to go and bring up the sex (or lack thereof) again. He commented that I've told him he's been doing everything 99% right and that's about all I expect... does he think this is a barter system? He does 'the right things' and he gets sex? That's not how it works, it's not how I work. Contrary to his belief, I do not use sex as a method of reward... or the withholding of it as punishment. I am TRAUMATISED! He fucked two hookers and went looking for more! If the OW he 'only dated' had been willing to have sex I'd counting 3 OW!


We will resume having sex again... once I feel secure again, once I feel he is truly remorseful (and that's going to tkae longer than a week of 'getting it right')and to believe that he's not just doing the right things for what he can get out of it. I am all for give and take but not if he's only giving for what he can get IYKWIM

**sigh**

Vent over... thanks for listening (or reading LOL)

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 10:56 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
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