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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So . . . I went OFF on my husband on Saturday.


We were at Oktoberfest with a huge group of family . . . his sister, her boyfriend, my sister, her husband, etc. etc. etc. My husband and my brother-in-law went off to get some beer, then met my sister, me, and my daughter at this store. So for some odd reason, they were selling puppies at this store, and I was looking at them. So H walked up to me, and then said to a (young, teenage) girl standing by the cash register, "Soo, what did you do to your foot?" (she was wearing a boot.

And you know how girls are when someone is hitting on them - how they respond in a bit of a standoffish/amused tone at first until they decide whether or not they're actually going to talk to the person? Yeah, that. He just had this overly friendly TONE he gets when he drinks. I hate it. And he sat there and talked and talked to this girl, and my sister-in-law's boyfriend and my sister were kind of raising their eyebrows at me, like, WTF? So H turns around to me and says, "Are you ready to go?" And I said, "Yeah, but did you want to get her number first?" Oh friends I was PISSED.

So we went off away from our 87 family members, and at first he kept saying, "What? It was a pertinent question, I almost broke my ankle a while back so I was just curious." (pertinent . . . what? how? Was she a doctor) and told me I was being crazy - but then he dropped his defensiveness, he apologized, he said he knew it was his shitty behavior that made me sensitive to that sort of thing, he wasn't in his mind hitting on the girl (he thought she was the one selling the puppies - she wasn't, she was just some girl standing around) and that's why he was making conversation, etc. Whatever. He did apologize. I am a little pissed that he got defensive at first, but I guess that's a natural reaction. At least he apologized.

It was weird because for the longest time (like, two months) anytime he did anything that upset me, I have said nothing. Non-confrontational has been my middle name. It felt weird and scary to get so mad. But he handled it at least remotely well.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jana))) IMO even speaking to that girl indicates he still has somewhat poor boundaries. Why strike up a conversation with her at all? Was he thinking of buying a puppy? If not, once he realised she wasn't selling the puppies, why continue the conversation? **shakes head** I don't we'll ever "get" that behaviour. Did it feel to you that he was getting a little ego boost from it all?

I'm glad he reacted in a more "correct" way eventually but I wonder if they ever realise how that initial defensiveness hurts us all over again.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 6:32 PM, October 17th (Monday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read occasionally on the ONS thread but do not post b/c I believe that although I can only 'prove' the ONS, I do believe there was more going on than that.

Anyway, I do 'lurk' here occasionally.

Jana, I am so glad you are 'confronting'! And that line about 'getting her number'...priceless!

Somehow your H reminds me of my H, although my H is 20 yrs older.

My H is EXTREMELY charming. He also has boundary issues. My H has behaved exactly as you describe your H behaving...yes, even with girls as young as you describe! But, it starts out oh so innocently... When I raise my eyebrows he looks at me like I'm the crazy one for thinking 'bad' thoughts! I know you are probably completely grossed out by this, (I know DD29 would be) since my H is 56, and your H is 36... But, somehow, they are all the same when it comes to poor boundaries.

I'm glad he finally 'got it', and apologized, but don'tcha just hate the fact that this puts us in the position of being the 'bitchy, ole nag wife'?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wbf is like that as well. He has to be soo friendly with everyone. Ok friendly is good but it's just that extra little bit when it's another woman that rushes immediatly to my head and drives my psycho. I know this is who he is, he's friendly, boarderline a flirt. I was ok with it, but now it seems like this can never just be innocent, like you said "oh do you need to get her number?" That's exactly how I feel. Like he HAS to be looking for more.

I'm glad he apologized, even though I wish he didn't go there in the first place. I think slowly he is learning.

I totally feel like the bitchy ole-nag wife, except I don't even have the "excuse" of being the wife. I'm just the naggy, whiney gf


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it's ONLY when he's drinking. Absolutely. He's not flirty otherwise. He's hardly even friendly. LOL.

But you know, the ONS he had - it wasn't like he picked up some girl, you know? Totally different (worse?) than that.

I didn't make the number comment so that anyone other than him could hear me - I wasn't THAT angry. But I was pretty angry.

In retrospect it probably wasn't a huge deal, but in the context of his ONS, it made me feel like I just didn't even matter. And he understood that. (Or said he did).

He's been actually quite lovely lately. I think the fact that I've stopped confronting him constantly made it mean more when I DID confront him. I guess that means detaching and my anti-depressant is helping.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that means detaching and my anti-depressant is helping.

Amen sister. Detaching can be a wonderful thing. It has let me find my strength lately. Drives my W absolutely bonkers. When every question is answered with a one word response. or I don't know/care.

I am giving her a glimpse of me not being there to rescue her and it is killing her.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don'tcha just hate the fact that this puts us in the position of being the 'bitchy, ole nag wife'?

Actually Painpain, in this circumstance, I wear that title rather proudly LOL I explained to WH that my concerns were not to "control" him per se but to protect our marriage. I think he gets that part of it now whereas before he just saw it as me telling him how to behave IYKWIM


He has to be soo friendly with everyone. Ok friendly is good but it's just that extra little bit when it's another woman that rushes immediatly to my head and drives my psycho.

Oh, Tsol I know what you mean and the hurtful aspect of it is that the more attractive the woman the "friendlier" he is.


I know this is who he is, he's friendly, boarderline a flirt.


Now this is where my WH's behaviour in this area is so bemusing, he's not really all that "friendly"... it's hard to explain... he was very outgoing when we met but that was a bit if an act to hide his true shyness. When people met him for the first time they usually describe him as rather quiet... if there is no alcohol involved and he only drank when he was away (seriously, neither of us are big drinkers-although I have changed in that regard a bit of late, ain;t it wonderful what infidelity will do to you?-he did overindulge whenever he was away as he wasn't paying for it-company credit card and he was having "fun")

It's easy to be the "big man" buying drinks and dinner for the pretty girls (to get attention) when you're not paying for it IYKWIM


I too used to be okay with his sometimes flirty behaviour but no more, that's stops completely. Since DDay going back over other incidents over the years I'd have to say if he has not had actual full blown EA's with various women at work he has certainly always had very poor boundaires. I mean there have been women he's worked with that he used to go out to lunch with on a regular basis, I wasn't comfortable with it but I was told they were "just friends" (God how I wish I'd known then what I know now) He's even told me he's been offered sex by one woman and I was "wtf?, what did you talk about for that to happen" but he insists 'nothing much'... she just talked about her life (he really is clueless... or machiavellian... I'm not sure which. It stinks that I now doubt whether he's been a master manipulator for years of is really just naive when it comes to women)


In retrospect it probably wasn't a huge deal, but in the context of his ONS, it made me feel like I just didn't even matter.

I so get this (((Jana))) but I am glad he understood where you were coming from.



Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now doubt whether he's been a master manipulator for years of is really just naive when it comes to women

This^^^^^. Me too, I always just thought H was naive. Now I KNOW he's not.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtwu,
my concerns were not to "control" him per se but to protect our marriage

Hmm...I'm thinking on this. I like the perspective. As in, "well right now I can't trust you to do your part in protecting the M, so while I'm still in it, I will do what I need to to protect it"....hmm....

t/j
Whenever I type/read your name I say it as "whatwhoo" Ya, I'm certified insane.

Jana,

I think the fact that I've stopped confronting him constantly made it mean more when I DID confront him. I guess that means detaching and my anti-depressant is helping.

First I'm glad the AD has given you some balance. I have noticed the same thing.

I have to give him credit -despite the fact that it's that month of time (ya..similar to the time of the month, but FOR a month darn BC pill ok ok tmi) and sane and stable are very inaccurate ways to describe me. Wbf has been really good lately. Ya he still hits that defensive note occasionally, but he moves past it. I think he's beginning to realize that this isn't just going to go away when the sun rises and that I'm not just keeping it around because I like to have back up ammunition. I think we are getting to a point where we actually hear each other rather than just stating our sides over and over.

I hope at least....


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, glad to hear he's been acting right! That's good news!

What pill are you on? I'm on Ortho Cyclen, have been for years (pre- and post-baby) and absolutely love it). My niece has been on several different types of BCP and has had a miserable time with all of them.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now doubt whether he's been a master manipulator for years of is really just naive when it comes to women


This^^^^^. Me too, I always just thought H was naive. Now I KNOW he's not.

And this is what worries me Painpain, I don't know which he is He's beem offered sex before, off and on, years ago (in his line of work he at some stages was doing work in customers homes, think repairman) he's 'often' been met at the door by a "desperate housewife" in lingerie looking to pay with "services rendered" IYKWIM or just a "bit on the side". Hell, he even worked a few times in brothels (they have shit that needs repairing too, apparently) and they asked each time if he wanted them to pay the bill or would he prefer "to be serviced" for his service.

These times didn't worry me too much (I mean I was pissed but not worried IYKWIM) as I was told about them (not on the day they happened, no never on the day they happened but long after the fact, just in normal conversation, years before he'd ever cheated... crap... as far as I know anyway... God, I hate the DOUBT that this has caused!)

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 6:35 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on seasonale. I figured, hey maybe having a period only every 3 months would make things better. NOPE. Apparently when they say it's natural for women to not have a period every month (due to more frequent pregnancies years ago etc). Well my body refuses and as soon as we hit the end of month two it decides it's a free for all. Time of the month with a vengence

And the sad part is, despite a month of awful cramps, moodiness and all things pms -this is the pill that's given me the least side effects! Before this, -100 sex drive: like there could be no sex ughh that's totally ons time too when I switched "hey hunny, guess what I don't hate the idea of sex anymore". "Oh oops I had a ons" argggg, before that was migranes and doubling (not actually) my weight, every symptom listed I have gotten. And I have tried enough of them that my doctor kind of hinted that we were giving up on bcp if this one didn't work

Oh sigghh. I'm off to cry in a small dark corner now

Hmm on a side note I wonder if AD and BCP can work together at this time to make me nuttier.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtwu,

my concerns were not to "control" him per se but to protect our marriage


Hmm...I'm thinking on this. I like the perspective. As in, "well right now I can't trust you to do your part in protecting the M, so while I'm still in it, I will do what I need to to protect it"....hmm....

It took him a while to see it from my POV tsol because I do "control" him... in that I look after the finances, I pay all our bills, I run the house, I organise the kids... Hell, you could say I "run" our lives but that's only becasue for most of our marriage I have been a SAHM and it was all "one less thing" for him to worry about getting done. When I did work it was only ever part time, never a career IYKWIM. I had the time to devote to these chores (and it was a chore at times) but I willing did it all for the 'betterment' of our marriage, it made sense and that's what he said he wanted. But like many a husband out there he grew to resent it and see it as my "controlling" him **sigh** There's no pleasing some people, give what they ask for and they still aren't satisfied.


I didn't mind him having a few beers/wines of a night while he was away, it was his choice of venue I found "dangerous"(nightclubs/seedy bars... I thought the hotel bar would have been "safer") the amount he wa drinking given he is NOT a drinker (a hell of a lot... since the company was paying for it) the lateness of these drinking sessions ( staying out until 2-3 in the morning when you have to go to work the next day... doesn't impress the boss much when you go into work with red rimmed and glassy eyes) and once I knew he was buying dinner and drinks for women (hookers even!) to "big note" himself... well FFS what was I supposed to think? There was only one reason to "big note" himself while he was away. I knew what "could" happen, I knew available women would be around looking for a guy to give them a good time and... lookey there, I was right! It sucks to be right!


From that perspective it was all about protecting our marriage by asking him to stay away from such seedy places... he didn't listen, thinking I was just being a controlling bitch... and look where he's landed us? In the biggest shit hole of our lives! In hindsight I don't even know IF he'd stayed away from such places that nothing would have happened, at some point he made the decision that he wanted to have sex with someone else. I guess he could just as easily have ended up calling a hooker to his hotel room and I guess the "nicer" bars have just as many sluts and whores in them (although the hotel bar did actually turf them out LOL he'd told me about that happening one night he was in there... Shit! Maybe that's why he changed watering holes!)


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for where WH and I stand atm who knows? We still haven't decided if we should continue with the new MC or find another... buggar!


WH has been more consistant with his consoling of me (that's been good) but he's still a long way off from giving me the unsolicited apologies that I need. I need to hear it just because he feels it, not because our talks have prompted him IYKWIM He's tried a few times but to be honest... it sounds as though he is speaking though clenched teeth! It sounds forced and as such, fake. Rather like a little boy who has done something 'naughty' and his mother has 'told' him to apologise, not that he is really sorry just that he's been told to say sorry IYKWIM

**sigh**

Maybe I expect too much from him? WH certainly seems to think so. I just want to be shown that I mean the world to him, that I really do matter. That I matter more than his discomfort IYKWIM... but it never seems to. He still refuses to give me the nitty gritty details of "that" night... which just makes me feel he wants to hang onto those details all for himself IYKWIM to keep that from me so it can be HIS dirty little secret memory... and he still refuses point blank to get IC for himself, says he doesn't need it.

He keeps harping on about commencing R... and I am still dragging my heals. I am at a loss to know how to start when I still feel so much pain everyday (Hell, I have cried over this almost every day since DDay) Do I ignore my pain? Do I 'fake it 'til I make it" (I'm not willing to "fake" anything anymore, I've had enough of "fake" for one lifetime)


WH wants to start "dating" me LOL not "dating" but doing things just as a couple... but here's my problem... there is precious little that is left that would be "just mine". We love to dance, it's been a big part of our lives and one of the reasons we got together in the first place (in fact it was almost foreplay for us... stop laughing, we got together in the disco era... and have you seen "Dirty Dancing"? That was us, just not quite as good at the dancing part but the "dirty" was definitely going on LMAO)... but now he's "danced" provocatively with other women. He's never been one to take me out for dinner (long story and not all his fault but seriously, never in over 30yrs have just the two of us gone to dinner other than the very rare times -and I do mean RARE- we we away together so there was little choice than to go out to eat with me) but now he's taken other women out for dinner, spent time and energy planning it. I've never had that.


I am at a loss to know what we can do (that both of us enjoy) because everything I would have enjoyed he's now done with someone else and I don't know how (of if) I can 'take that back' and 'make it mine' once again... and I feel I will be forever competing with those memories of all the younger, sexier, prettier women fawning over him and doing these same things with him... and having sex with him (can you say... self esteem down the toilet?) It doesn't do me much good to remind myself that they were only with him for what they could get out of him, free drinks, free meals... or in the case of the hookers, payment for sex (perhaps I should begin reminding HIM of that!)


(Sorry, having a bad week this week. 2 yrs ago today he was jetting off overseas again, back to his favourite place in the whole wide world, where he was "da Man!" Drinking, partying, dancing and flirting with a bevy of much younger, attractive women... and ended up getting offered a fuck from some bar slut, the one he bought the condoms for)

Ah, crap... doesn't that all just come off looking like a big ole pity party!

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 7:51 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Sorry to MIA in the posting department since my introduction a while back... I have been Lurking a bit, but I find it hard to write for some odd reason... It's like I just want to soak up all that people are posting, relate to it all in some way, and that's as far as I can go. I don;t feel like I have much to contribute because in the past 10 months since my DD, I still don;t feel like I've come along way with sorting out the roller coaster of emotions... I feel more like a dog chasing it's tail... I have no clarity that I can offer to help... I'm still angry, bitter, tired, emotional and lately, I'm fantasizing of revenge... the pain is still so raw in many ways, that right now I want him to feel it as much as I do... I'm sorry...

WTWU
Your situation seems very similar to mine... My WH admitted to a ONS in his fav place in the world, where he went (apparently) to a "hopping" hotel bar near his more quiet one... seeked out two "attractive" women, bought them drinks (and what else) and ended up f@cking on e of them... I think there is more to it... but I dunno...
It was his birthday.

I trigger a bit reading your post... but I'm good with it... cause we "get it" and I'm so glad to have someone out there that does... thanks for your honesty...

I do KWYM about him going through the motions and "doing the right things" and how that isn't good enough... I know EXACTLY what you mean... I feel the same way! I know he regrets it, but I don;t think he is entirely "remorseful" not the way I need him to be...

And I don;t think you are asking for too much... he F2ccked up LARGE, and he should be making it up to you... and that includes MC... and IC, cause HE f@cked up, made that choice, knew the consequences and still acted on it...

It's his f@cken fault... not yours...

You are not asking for too much...

But is he willing to give you what you want??? Does he fully understand how important it is for your healing and the rebilding of your relationship???

I sent my WH the

"Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed" found in the Healing Library... has you r WH read it... It might help a bit for them to see that...

(((hugs to you)))

I'm also on AD, Wellbutin... so far so good...

Jana

Your WH's behaviour is so typical of my WH's??? He sees it as innocent fun... I used to also, until now... now, I see it as poor boundaries... I thought it was a joke, when i thought you were joking... now that I know you acted it on it...it's no longer funny, it's insulting...

You were fair in your response to it, and I'm sorry you had to witness it... live it, feel so bad about it...

((jana))

Painpaingoaway

My H is EXTREMELY charming. He also has boundary issues. My H has behaved exactly as you describe your H behaving...yes, even with girls as young as you describe! But, it starts out oh so innocently... When I raise my eyebrows he looks at me like I'm the crazy one for thinking 'bad' thoughts! I know you are probably completely grossed out by this, (I know DD29 would be) since my H is 56, and your H is 36... But, somehow, they are all the same when it comes to poor boundaries.

I'm glad he finally 'got it', and apologized, but don'tcha just hate the fact that this puts us in the position of being the 'bitchy, ole nag wife'?

Precisely!!! You speak my language!!!

And it's not just the bitchy naggy wife that I see is the problem, it's that HE has put me in a position to be aware of the poor boundaries and where they can lead, and when je does this in front of you, it's almost like you feel paranoid and think, he wants to f@ck her... at least for me...

tsol

I think we are getting to a point where we actually hear each other rather than just stating our sides over and over.

Sounds like a "break though" of sorts... a step in the right direction... thanks for saying that, cause we're not there yet, and I think that is critical in attempting to R... good point! I learn so much from all the people on here... ((tsol))

numb and dumb

I am giving her a glimpse of me not being there to rescue her and it is killing her.

Hi... I read some of your comments on the BH's thread for regaining respect of WW, and I love that thread... I gained such insight there...

even though I am a woman, so much of the pain/emotion/reaction is the same...

so glad you are here, to add another perspective that we can relate to...

((N&D))

I hope I'm not missing anyone... if so, Hugs to you...

I wish each and everyone of us a bit more peace every day... in all the turbulence, gaining just a small amount of peace to help us all get through this...

I never imagined the betrayal to hurt so much as it really does...


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say this...

I don't know why I feel the need to say this...

But...
I'm finding more "peace" in the thought of leaving him...

The effort to stay feels...
turbulent...

I'm not saying that I don;t want to R, but I'm becoming more indifferent...

Where do I go from here?


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I still don't feel like I've come along way with sorting out the roller coaster of emotions... I feel more like a dog chasing it's tail... I have no clarity that I can offer to help... I'm still angry, bitter, tired, emotional and lately, I'm fantasizing of revenge... the pain is still so raw in many ways, that right now I want him to feel it as much as I do...

I get this ^^^ Brokenandfedup, believe me I do and I'm nearly 22mths post DDay! Argh! It's not so much a rollercoaster as a merry-go-round right now...and I want to get off.

I know he regrets it, but I don;t think he is entirely "remorseful" not the way I need him to be...

This too ^^^ is how I feel atm. I want off this merry-go-round but to do that I still feel I need more from him.**sigh**


And I don;t think you are asking for too much... he F2ccked up LARGE, and he should be making it up to you... and that includes MC... and IC, cause HE f@cked up, made that choice, knew the consequences and still acted on it...


We are having a second go at MC (the first one was a bust because he was still travelling so much he kept missing appointments Grrr... so I kept going to her as my IC) My WH point blank refuses IC, he claims he doesn't need it as he knows all his "whys" (and it's a long list, not just one thing that you can point to and say "that was the problem") He's told me I've got all the details I am ever going to get of what he did with the two whores and that gets under my skin... it feels like he's holding back so he can keep part of a dirty little secret just for him IYKWIM (at least he's stopped saying "that's personal" because that really sets me off!)

We are still working our way through "Not Just Friends" and that's helping us a bit. The really sucky part is that all of our relationships issues were fairly minor annoyances really, nothing "divorce worthy" IYKIWM and all eventually would have been worked through or could have been if he'd been honest about them with me... he has issues with being honest about his feelings (his FOO issues up the wahzoo!) but that's getting better... slowly. He says it's because he has a fear of rejection... I could tell him a thing or two about rejection!


I do wish the bloody dates didn't affect me so much... every time we come to a time of year when he was away, especially back in THAT country, I get... triggery and unstable and the mind movies play havoc with my emotions.


I trigger a bit reading your post... but I'm good with it... cause we "get it" and I'm so glad to have someone out there that does... thanks for your honesty...


I'm a bit the same, reading some posts trigger the hell out of me (especially those where the infidelity occured while working away from home-companies should be made to send the wife along!.. I know not always possible, but I can dream- or if it involved hookers) It is nice to be able to relate to other experiences though, alothough I trigger it's good to know I'm not alone IYKWIM (although I rather be alone if it spared everyone else this living hell) The honesty doesn't come easily actually, not that I'm not a basically honest person but this stuff is sometimes hard to type (trigger city) I type way more posts and hit delete rather than post.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speak of trigger city things are a mess over here. I don't even know where to start.

It all seems so ridiculous. Like those small things but after a year of post dday living those small things just seem to be taking a toll on us. It was mostly misunderstandings and mostly my fault.

I've been working a lot -too much but I'm not in a spot where I can get less hours -the most I can do is book a weekend or a day or two off here and there. Quality time is my ll and our lack of time is taking a toll on me. Wbf has been really good in the past weeks about calling me -something I've been going on about for a long time. And I was so happy he was doing it I kind of just basked in it. I didn't call him, because I liked it too much when he put forth the effort. It's like when you lay out in the sun and the sun feels so warm. You know you didn't put sunscreen on and that you'll get burned but you just keep laying there. I guess I got caught up in some entitlement. Entitlement because it's been such a rough year. Selfishness because I wasn't feeling loved because we had no time together. He felt rejected, which only increased his feeling of rejection from another issue that came up awhile ago

So now we both feel rejected (him from recent issues, me from the ons) and were both tired of struggling through this. We just don't know where to go from here. We don't know how to get past this


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tsol)))

I guess I got caught up in some entitlement. Entitlement because it's been such a rough year. Selfishness because I wasn't feeling loved because we had no time together. He felt rejected, which only increased his feeling of rejection from another issue that came up awhile ago


I can relate to this post Hun♥ I know I have been caught up in my own sense of entitlement (much more so lately, dunno why exactly, maybe 'cos reality is finally sinking in and I don't like it one bit... Ugh!) I don't work outside of the home but I usually I crave every minute of WH's available time and yet... sometimes I don't (a very confusing way to feel, kind of like a "Pushmi-pullyu" from Doctor Dolittle LOL) and this is what makes him feel rejected.


My sense of entitlement kicks in whenever he's feeling all rejected... ashamed to say the bitch in me comes out and thinks "Tough! Now you know what it's like to be rejected" Maybe I am "punishing" him, I don't know, I have troubling wrtking out my motivation sometimes **sigh**

Talking of trigger city... bloody hell! One thread set me right off today. The one wondering if it was the WS's first affair and what if any difference it would make to your decision to R. This question preys on my mind incessantly. He has had ample opportunity to cheat having worked away from home several times a year for years and years. I was never really worried before because MY husband was not the type to have a ONS (Oh, No! Not MY Husband!)and certainly not the type to see a prostitute (never in a million years!)I have assured him it would not affect my decision to R but I feel I need (and am entitled) the whole truth... which he insists I have... and all of it conveniently unverifiable.


It wouldn't prey on my mind so badly excpet I have had that awful "gut" feeling before but ususally dismissed it as me being a little insecure. On two occassions I definitley remember asking the question (and of course I got a denial) but now... I'm not so sure. Once was a trip to another state for 5 days when we heard not one peep from him. No phone call, no email, no nothing. I didn't even now his flights or where he was staying (I did ask for this info but was told he didn't know where he was staying... and I bought that? What the fuck was I thinking? In my defence I had a lot going on at the time, our youngest was barely more than a baby and his terminally ill mother living with us and me helping fil nurse her) Another was a trip for 5 days a few hours away and when he retruned... well... can I just say... he had a few new "bedroom" tricks IYKWIM. He claimed it was from watching porn... but he'd been watching porn for a long while and had never tried anything as "new" before.


I doubt I will be able to trust his answer that this was the first time... how do you go from over 30yrs of fidelity to a threesome with hookers? I don't get that. Added to that is the fact while I used to send him away "broke" (LOL no cash he has to CC everything) his father would give him a couple of $100 to have some money to spend (I will forever wonder just what he spent it on) and whenever he was overseas he pulled a scam with the cab drivers to get extra cash... and added to that is in his line of work it's not unusual to get an 'off the books' (so no record in his payslip) cash bonus... I wonder how many times I was never told of a bonus?

Crap, I hate these thoughts! Might have to stay off SI for a few days.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 7:25 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana I am very proud of you for bring to his attention how you felt. Detaching is like amazing and empowering. It helped me stand up for myself and say what was on my mind. I became that independent person I used to be. It was great! Now I'm still independent but I'm with wbf and very happy. I do my own thing when I want to, as in I don't rely or depend on wbf for my life. I'm not codependent anymore and that's a great feeling.

that's what he said he wanted. But like many a husband out there he grew to resent it and see it as my "controlling" him **sigh** There's no pleasing some people, give what they ask for and they still aren't satisfied.

THIS IS SO TRUE. I talked with my mom a while ago about wbf and my dad and just things in general and she told me my dad was upset she was so independent so she tried getting his help more but then he didn't like the cliny feeling... So my mom gave up and went back to being her normal self because why be someone you're not? Wbf was upset at first when I became the detached and independent me and he was hurt because it felt like I didn't need him. So I clarified for him.. "I dont need you. I'm here because I want to be not because I need to be." That shocked him but he needed to know I would survive with or without him. I didn't rely on him. I could be happy on my own or with someone else.

I just wanted to check in and tell everyone that they have been heard and totally understood.

[This message edited by poopylala at 10:30 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)]


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


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