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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping again

If you would like assbrain neighbour added to the hit list, I will let the team (ie my and lala's cats) know. They have their work cut out for them, but at some point in the future we will be sending those who've made the list down to FL.

I've been kind of yuck lately. Wbf spoke to the online twit again That was a few weeks ago? Apparently my sense of time is still a little weird. Anyways last week I told him I was upset because of something A-related I heard on the radio. When I went over, he gave me a hug and asked me to tell him about it. I didn't even have to re-bring it up! He listened and reassured me so that went really well.

How is everyone else?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the positive updates! How has everyone been? I saw IC today and she informed me she wouldn't be there after August due to budget cuts at school (she's a psychologist at my university's counseling center) and I actually cried in her office when she told me. She said that at the first day during the women's therapy group she helped lead when I started crying hard because someone else's story about their dad hit home for me, she wanted to tell the other people in my group "NO you don't understand this is HUGE for lala" and she was super proud of me for opening up my feelings and crying so the fact that I cried today without holding back she said was great! She said she has watched me change and grow as a being into a more independent, centered person instead of the desperate, codependent lost soul I wsa when I started. We both thought it was insane that I've only been seeing her for 6 months! We both thought it felt more like years

Last week I felt a bit down because I realized I've been holding back emotionally from wbf because I'm afraid to open up and be vulnerable again after he broke his NC promise with toxic friend. I wrote him 4 long-ass texts about how I was afraid to be vulnerable because I wasn't sure he worked on figuring out appropriate boundaries and how to say no to people, and how I understood it was hard to see things for what they were when you're a participant because your view is biased- I was on a slippery slope to an EA with wbf's neighbor at one point because I craved the male attention and wasn't getting it from wbf but when I realized the convos became more and mor inappropriate I began to question it and when he made a particular super-inappropriate comment I decided to cut all ties and confess to wbf out of guilt and shame for letting it get so far. I wanted wbf to know I understood how tricky it was to see when someone manipulates you or takes advantage of you but I think toxic friend manipulated wbf because she knew she could since wbf had poor boundaries. Wbf was super open to talking this weekend and never once got upset or defensive about anything. I cried in Walmart and in the car because I was so upset and saw an asian girl (OW#1 is asian) which made me trigger like crazy and wbf pushed me to tell him everything that was bothering me so at the end of the talk we got to the boundaries/toxic friend topic. I said I didn't want to be the bad guy for saying he couldn't be friends with her and he said he was glad I told him that because he felt he needed the kick in the butt to help him back off and move on from that 'friendship' and that he felt he needed that help. I was grateful he opened up about that and it made me wonder if part of that was lack of maturity and confidence but as IC put it, he needs to get to the point where my feelings always come first. I can understand its a tricky situation if she is manipulating him by playing the suicidal card, thatd definitely make me worry if I was on the receiving end and I can see how the nightmares and guilt could cause him to reach out to her but then I wonder, at what point do you draw the line? Is it okay if OP is suicidal? I feel like knowing persistent OW (who bitched me out and blatantly disrespected me) and toxic friend (who has manipulated wbf) have used wbf helps him see them for what they really are and will cause him to think twice if any other random person tries to contact him. Two people turned out to be way different than he thought they were so thatd make it likely the rest are also not who he thought they were.

Talking and crying this weekend helped me deal with the feelings and that's IC's main concern for me- I analyze my anxiety rather than feel it and express. I deal with issues cognitively rather than emotionally and in turn the lack of emotional expression adds to my anxiety. I have an appointment with her for next friday and we'll work on how I can stop and process my emotions.

Aside from all that, things feel okay now. I have picked up an old hobby of painting birdhouses and I love it! I'm painting one for the SI auction and I'm excited about it. I love having a fun hobby that uses my creative side since in school I focus on using my analytical side (science). I am getting rid of all romance novels I once owned and I have begun my master clean-up-and-minimize plan for my room at home. I want everything simple and clean. Clean environment = clean mind for me. Its mentally cleansing and I love that!


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
FoolNLove
♀ New Member
Member # 32280
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 1/2 weeks ago, my husband confessed of a ONS while I was out of town for my grandfathers funeral. I had no suspisions, he just confessed one night.

We work together, but ride in seperate cars becuase I tend to stay at the office late. That night, I decided to leave (about 5 minutes after him), but I made it home first. I sent him a text to ask if he stopped somewhere (really hoping he would pick up dinner), but he didn't write back. About an hour later, I tried to call him - he didn't answer. Instead, he sent me a text telling me to meet him at the local park. I wasn't to ask him any questions, just show up. Right then, I knew something was wrong. When I got there, he was sitting at a picnic table facing the river and crying. I've only seen him have tears once before and it was a horrible situation.

Long story short - He confessed to his ONS. He fealt the need to come clean, and at the advice of a local preacher, he needed to confess if he wanted our marriage to work. He told me that he went out for a drink, and got picked up by some girl. They talked, and one thing lead to another. He went home and showered to try to remove the guilt, but he he said that there is no soap in the world that would remove it. He knew he had to tell me. He doesn't know her name, and doesn't have her number.

I know he's remorseful. I know he hates what he's done to us. I know he wants to fix this.

The first week, I was destryoed, but last week I was fine with it. This has actually brought us closer together. I feel like a fool sometimes becuase I think I'm supposed to be more pissed off than I am. Is it crazy that I'm not that mad at him anymore?

I got the "wanna throw up feeling" yesterday when I started pulling his phone records. But I didn't find anything at all. He never called or sent a text to a number I couldn't verify. He's turned over all of his username and passwords for everything. I have access to his phone and wallet if I need it. His cooperation is limitless.

My question is, how long before I stop thinking about it? I will forgive him (with time)but when will I learn to forget this?


ME: 33 - BS
HIM: 40 - WH
D-DAY - 05/20/2011 - ONS - doesn't know her - voluntary confession - EXTREMELY remorseful

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South Florida
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies, I'm sorry that I've been AWOL. Things have been good with us, it's just that sometimes I don't feel like talking about "the incident" - I am still hanging around SI but replying a lot and not making a lot of new posts. I would love for you to add the assbrain to your hit list, tsol!

tsol, I'm sorry to hear that he was talking to the online twit. Do you know what was said, or just that he talked to her? Has there been any communication since? How are things?

poopylala, so glad to hear that counseling has helped you so much and that your boyfriend is being supportive. How have things been since you last posted?

FoolNLove, welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I think it's very very good that he confessed to you. He received excellent advice from that preacher. It's also excellent that he is being cooperative. The more open he is to you and any questions you might have, and the less defensive he is, the faster you will heal.

As far as the anger . . . I have to tell you, don't be surprised if it hits you later. I was in shock the first few days, then numb for a while, then gut-wrenchingly angry.

I do hate to bring this up, but you both probably need to get STD testing. I know it's the last thing you want to think about, but it's so necessary.

As far as when you will stop thinking about it . . . well, I think that varies for everyone. I think about what happened a LOT still, and I'm about 10 months out from D-Day. I don't get upset about it very often though. I do occassionally get upset when I see our neighbor out (our neighbor was with my husband when the ONS occurred - they went out of town together, and got very drunk, and my neighbor suggested hiring escorts. Disgusting I know ). If he were to move, or if we were, I think I would get upset about it much less (housing market is such that a move is probably not in the works for either of us anytime soon).

I don't know that you ever forget it. I'm really sorry to say that. But I do think that it's possible that over time it becomes just something that happened, instead of this Huge Thing Hanging Over Your Life. Are you guys in counseling? I do think that would help. And I think your husband especially needs to be in counseling to figure out why he cheated, and especially at a time when you had just suffered the loss of your grandfather.

Good luck to you - it does sound like he's doing all the right things. You guys CAN get through this.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, things have been going well overall here.
sometimes I don't feel like talking about "the incident" - I am still hanging around SI but replying a lot and not making a lot of new posts.

This is me too. I've made a few posts in Off Topic, but as far as the ons goes I just don't want to post so much.

Wbf hasn't talked to the online twit since the last time. The messages were just "hey haven't talked to you in a while" "ya I know, I thought you forgot about me" blah blah blah. I was upset that he initiated this. Since then we have had some really good talks. We are talking better these days (minus a not so functional time on the weekend)

FoolNLove,
I agree with everything Jana said, especially about the STD test. Even if they say there's no possible way, ie they used protection, it's better to be safe than sorry.

The confession is a good sign. Especially with a ons, I think the potential for it to go without us ever finding out, is much higher. Most ws choose not to tell because they think the bs will never know, for the ons, there is no way I'd find out, I didn't know the ow.
The way he confessed reminds me a lot of my wbf's confession. I got there and he was standing outside and said "lets go for a walk". He looked like he had died and we went to a park where he told me.

He does seem remorseful and that will help more than anything. The only thing I'm going to nitpick is,

got picked up by some girl.

He did choose to be picked up. I'm sure this girl was convincing, and alcohol has a factor, but he did allow this to happen. It's important that he finds out why he allowed it, why didn't he say "no random girl, I need to go home to my wife". This might be where IC can help, was he running from? What was he looking for?

The feelings all tend to cycle around. The first weekend I was a zombie and for a month afterwards I was just numb to everything. By the beginning of November, it all hit me. The shock from everything is sometimes too much all at once, so our brains will wait until we can handle it. Go with whatever you are feeling, if you read here, you will learn it's all very normal.

And I agree, again, I do think about it all the time, but to varying degrees. I'm 9 months past dday and it crosses my mind every day but that doesn't mean I cry every day. There are days when I get upset, or feel ready to give up. But there are days were we can have a good time and be really happy together. Everyone works on their own schedule. I also don't think I will forget it, it's a huge thing that I don't think I should forget. But forgiveness is possible, I don't think I'm there yet


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FoolNLove, welcome. I'm sorry you need to be here. I agree with Jana and lala -- you won't forget, but eventually it will stop being a big deal. I also think Jana is right -- I was in shock for probably 2 months after, and didn't get properly angry until 6 months out. It will take 2-5 years to heal from this, even though it was "just" a ONS and not a long-term affair. I am 2 years out now and its still an issue sometimes, mostly because of what lala said -- he needs to find out why. And yes, STD testing for both of you!

We're doing ok. Still up and down, some, though the peaks and valleys are less intense. WH still has lots of work to do. Spent my time in IC this morning talking about how the chemistry is missing, how I don't get that hit of oxytocin when he is with me any more. That makes it hard to fall back "in love" with him, and since he isn't doing the wooing I told him I needed to get that it isn't happening. So I am just concentrating on doing what I am doing, getting ready for summer with the kids and then for my doctoral program in the fall. He's working his stuff, albeit sss--lll--ooo--www--lll-yyy so I am just doing what I need to do and taking enjoyment from the practical parts of Us that work.

Sounds like everybody is in a good place, ladies. Good to hear!

[This message edited by peacelovetea at 2:11 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heyyy PLT! I hope you guys are able to find that spark again. It can be elusive I know.

FoolNLove, I just wanted to caution you about one thing here at SI.

I went and looked at some of your previous posts to get an idea of your backstory, and I saw that you were given some "yeah, right, just a ONS?" lines . . . I got a lot of that when I first started here. I was told that my husband was probably everything from a serial cheater to a sex addict and that his "confession" was the tip of the iceberg.

Sadly for some people that is true. BUT IT'S NOT TRUE IN ALL CASES! The "ONS" club here on SI is pretty darn small, and those of us who got a confession are even more of a rare bird. There's lots of good advice to be had here, but keep in mind that people are looking at your story through the lenses of what happened to them, and often the betrayals they suffered were more . . . I don't want to say painful or extreme, but I guess what I mean is that there was more of an element of sneakiness and pre-meditation with most of the infidelity stories here.

I know that there's a LOT about my story that seems AWFULLY convenient for my husband (it was the neighbor's idea, he (husband) was very drunk and didn't remember most of what happened, he was too drunk to function sexually so not much actually happened, etc.) I had one poster even tell me that my husband probably conspired with the escort to lie to me about what happened (because he TOTALLY knew that I would hunt up her number and call her!), and that he probably had an ongoing relationship with her (a hooker in a town three hours away!!!!!).

I'm not saying that you should 100% believe everything your husband says right now, but please don't get scared by some of the replies you get to your posts in the other forums.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
FoolNLove
♀ New Member
Member # 32280
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO: JanaGreen, peacelovetea, and tsol25...
thank you for your advice! I feel a better now that I've read your words. I hope one day I can be there for you to help you when you're down.

My husband and I have been tested for STD's, and so far are clean. We're going to continue with testing for a year to make sure it stays that way. I made him tell our doctor, and I have access to his chart if I have any questions at all. Our doctor gave him a long lecture which made him feel like shit! (I won't lie - it made me feel good for him to get punished)

Jana - You're right (it appears you are often ) I started posting in the Just Found forum, but I stopped. I was getting email notifications from some people who are VERY hurt by their incident. Their story isn't like mine at all. I'm so happy I found this thread! I know I've healed a little since I started following the "like minded" group. I even printed most of the posts and put them in a binder to read when I need a pick-me-up.

Update on "US" - He and I are closer than ever becuase of this. I've read that there are several couples who have benefited from a ONS. We hold hands again, kiss more (I mean, actually MAKE OUT like teenagers), he's realized that I need help around the house (he cooked AND cleaned last night), we cuddle more..... and I LOVE IT!!

My H and I are not the same as each couple in this thread, but I do know our situation is simliar. He's my best friend, so I'm certain we will be able to get over this.

Am I crazy for wanting to sweep this under the rug? No one in the world knows about this (except for our doctor). He and I decided it isn't anything we need friends and family to know about. Can't I just pretend this didn't happen?

My husband has become closer to GOD through this as well. He and I have always been strong in our faith, but now he's concentrating harder.


ME: 33 - BS
HIM: 40 - WH
D-DAY - 05/20/2011 - ONS - doesn't know her - voluntary confession - EXTREMELY remorseful

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South Florida
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's funny that this post was sliding down the page for a month and then we get a post and I find out everyone is still here. It's good to see.

Another note on Jana's other forum warning, I find Reconciliation is the safest "other" place to be. I've made very few posts in General because I usually get either "you're young, run away now" or some degree of comparison of the ons vs. their wh's A and how it's so much easier or I don't have the truth. The sense of jadedness that comes across in many posts, which I don't blame them for, is just too much for me. Take what you need from the site, and if someone says something that you know doesn't apply to you, leave it on the board, try not to dwell on it. I also read a lot in the wayward forum (but I'm too afraid to be banned with all that meanness that I'm all about ) because I like to get inside their head.

FoolNLove,
Again I'm sort of nitpicky, it's probably just my mood today, I didn't get a lot of sleep (exam ). One of the things that wbf said shortly after dday and after he did some research, was that "relationships can be better after an A". And that, I think gave us hope. Like "OMG, now that we've tackled that, now things are going to be better". And then, after a while that magic hadn't hit. A while ago, I read a post where they argued this point. It was a very wordy post, so excuse my brief summary, the M doesn't get better after the A, it get's better because people work harder. The work you do during R and continue to do is what makes the M better.

I told one friend the night of dday and have found it more beneficial not to tell anyone else. His parents and sister knows because when he got home from ons, he told his parents, who told him NOT to tell me , lets just say they are not my bffs these days. He didn't think that was the right answer so he called his sister who said to tell me or his manhood would be at stake.

As far as rugsweeping it, I think it's ok to say "I want to enjoy this right now". "This" being that in-love teenager feeling for a while, but I expect a time will come that you won't want it rugswept. Regardless of how you are approaching it, I do think it's necessary that your wh find out "why" and work at developing better boundaries or coping mechanisms.

[This message edited by tsol25 at 3:43 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana - You're right (it appears you are often )

LOL - that depends on who you ask! I am going to print out your kind words and tape them on my husband's side of the bathroom mirror, just so he knows that someone thinks I'm right! I kid, I kid.

I think it's pretty smart to be choosy about who you tell. I told one friend of mine, who I thought would be somewhat open-minded as she had, in the past, been an OW (she has reformed her ways now), but she was really judgy toward my husband and blows me off whenever I try to talk to her about it. Soooo yeah, I wish I had just not told anyone. His sister knows, and a few of his friends. That's it, and I'm glad.

I love what tsol said about the relationship not getting better necessarily due to the affair (or ONS), but because we are working harder. I think that's so smart and so true. FoolNLove, that's great that he's helping you around the house more!

I hope all you ladies have a good night! It's super late here so I'd better get myself to bed!!!!!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again.

As you guys know, my husband's ONS was alcohol-fueled. He was in a partial blackout and doesn't remember most of what happened.

After D-Day he made several comments about how he had no desire to drink anymore, he clearly can't handle alcohol.

He's always had the issue of acting nuts after he shoots liquor. He's said many times in the past that he doesn't need to do that. He's always fine if it's just beer. The night of the ONS he ordered a drink (can't remember what, but a rather weak one) and Assbrain Neighbor told him, fuck that, get a double crown, and that's the last thing he remembers clearly.

Since D-Day he has made a comment or two about how he would maybe like to have a beer if I am around. We were at a friend's house a couple months ago (let's call him T), and H asked me if I minded if he had a beer. I was on the spot and unsure, and he said nevermind, it's not worth it, smiled, and dropped it.

On Memorial Day weekend, we had several friends over. I told H I didn't mind if he had a beer, as we were all drinking, and he said that he didn't really want one.

So the Tuesday and Wednesday after Memorial Day, I went and stayed with my mom as she just had hip replacement surgery. T came over one of those days and hit golf balls with H. He told me that he gave T "4 or 5 of those beers in the fridge" to take home. I had a funny feeling that he (H) drank beer with T, but I didn't question it.

Last night T had to stop by for something. H asked me if I minded if he had a beer with T. I said no, I didn't care as I was going to be there. Then I said, "When T came over last week, did you drink beer with him?"

Yes. Yes he did.

I said, "What were you thinking? Why did you think that was ok?"

He said something about how, oh, he wasn't thinking about that, he was thinking about his golf swing. Just some asinine statement. Then T showed up and it was time to put the baby to bed. Before H answered the door, he apologized to me, but I'm sick and tired of him doing stupid shit without thinking and I told him as much. Not just infidelity related stuff. I swear he's got some sort of attention deficiency that needs to be treated. It's ridiculous and it's driving me crazy.

WHY would he think that he needed to ASK me when we were at T's house, and when T is coming over, but think that it was ok to do it when I wasn't there? I mean, I appreciate that he told me the truth. He didn't have to. I know he won't lie to me, but if I hadn't asked the question he wouldn't have told me. Why not? Because he was hiding it, or because he thinks it's not a big deal? But why is it a big enough deal to have to ask me when I'm there, then?

I can't even tell you how I'm feeling right now. I just didn't even want to talk about it last night. The baby took forever to go to sleep, and then I just went downstairs, cleaned the dishwasher, and sat on the couch and read my book instead of going to sit in the bed with him.

There is no part of me that wants to fight about this. I am partly numb, sad, disappointed. I feel like he's just going to do whatever he wants to do anyway without even stopping to think about me. I guess he feels like as long as he keeps his pants zipped he's fine.

And I know nothing happened. I know it was just a couple of beers in the backyard while swinging clubs. Before D-Day I wouldn't have had any issue whatsoever with it. If he had just fucking TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT I probably would be fine with it.

But GOD it's like I have to accidentally ask the right question to get the truth?

I feel SO discouraged right now. Really really discouraged. It's such a minor-sounding thing, but this is one of the few times that I've really questioned my decision to R with him.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand your frustration. Since I've known wbf, whenever he gets stressed, he smokes. It drives me nuts and I've told him and complained and nothing seems to work. He always does it when I'm not around, but leaves his ashtray (ie pop can) laying around so I know.

After D-Day he made several comments about how he had no desire to drink anymore, he clearly can't handle alcohol.

Is it possible that he only intended for that to mean liquor and that he meant to continue drinking beer on occasion?

WHY would he think that he needed to ASK me when we were at T's house, and when T is coming over, but think that it was ok to do it when I wasn't there?

Two things come to mind here,
I think either he feels sort of embarrassed when he's with a friend. Sort of like peer pressure, he's with T and T says "hey lets grab a beer" so mr jana feels awkward and maybe he knows he shold ask you but doesn't want to make it seem to T that he has to ask permission from his wife, maybe it's that perception of manliness. Whereas those times when you are together, he can subtly say "hey, do you mind if I have a beer" or it can be addressed ahead of time.
Or maybe it's that wayward mindset. Where I think all of them, to some degree are more cautious while they are with us (before, during A). Seeing us makes them say, "ok this is the right thing to do". I don't like to think that they need that reminder, although it's something that has driven me crazy since dday, but maybe that our presence is more of an inspiration to be their best. Obviously, we should be able to inspire them from afar, but I think that's where they need to do work. Ok I went on a bit of a tangent there. Maybe he's still thinking, "well it's ok because jana won't know" or even that "well she said it was ok last time, so I'm sure she'd be ok with it this time"

And I know nothing happened. I know it was just a couple of beers in the backyard while swinging clubs. Before D-Day I wouldn't have had any issue whatsoever with it. If he had just fucking TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT I probably would be fine with it.

Here's what my IC would say,
But tsol, you are still trying to control what he does. That doesn't work. You know that you are ok with him drinking at your house with T, but you want to have the final word. You trust that everything would be ok in that situation, so why do you need him to ask you? Is it because you do not trust him, but you trust yourself, so if you are in control, then you can trust the situation?

It seems like you are frustrated with his lack of openness more-so than the actual drinking. Maybe it's time to reconsider where the ok, need to ask, not ok lines are. Because he will do what he wants. ARE you ok with him drinking beer with T without asking each time? Are there specific people or situations where you are definitely not ok with him drinking beer? Do you trust him while he is drinking beer, as that did not contribute to ons and you said he can handle it?

And I know nothing happened. I know it was just a couple of beers in the backyard while swinging clubs. Before D-Day I wouldn't have had any issue whatsoever with it. If he had just fucking TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT I probably would be fine with it.

But GOD it's like I have to accidentally ask the right question to get the truth?

I feel SO discouraged right now. Really really discouraged. It's such a minor-sounding thing, but this is one of the few times that I've really questioned my decision to R with him.


I would tell him this. Explain what it is that upsets you and how much it is upsetting you.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same place, I guess there are happy endings and sad ones. I realize now that whatever we had was far from what I actually wanted and I understand now that I was in this relationship alone. WH had very little input and I can say that because now that I stopped doing everything nothing is getting done.

It is amazing what is brought out after infidelity, and how the relationship is viewed differently.

I have realized that everything was initiated by me, affection, intimacy, planning for trips, dinners, schedules for other family members. I know that now becuase I have put all that pressure on Wh and nothing is happening, I do mean nothing

It leaves me to wonder how much more I have to give without recieving anything in return.

This story does not have a happy ending, Wh is dilussional thinking we are doing great while he has quit MC, watches porn and continues to avoid me and any conversation about our future or what happened.

I understand more now and have a grip on what I need to do, which is much better than were I was 7 months ago when I found out.

I know I do not have the truth and will probably never get it, I know that my happiness is up to me and that Wh is not ccapable of any more than he has already done, I say that because he has not changed a bit and continues to say things that trigger me and does not even care.

I am going to take this one day at a time and continue to take care of me, I am joining a gym, getting makeovers and taking more time for myself.

It is not easy to see the truth and not know how I was so blind before, that this is the way it has always been and his ONS just helped me realize it.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Jana, I would be upset too. Mine does this kind of crap too, just *stupid* in principle. Do you think you can talk to him about it and have him get it? That its an openness issue and not the driving per se? What is so hard about just TALKING, I don't understand these men!

Its like wtbl just said (well done wtbl, I totally relate to what you said there), and then you realize OMG its *always* been this way and I just didn't see. I think I have spent the last two years pulling that wool from my eyes, then hoping desperately that what I was now seeing wasn't the real thing, and then slowly coming to acceptance that this is what is, that this is who HE is. And I'm still not sure I want the him he is now. If I were starting from scratch I wouldn't choose him, I know that...

Its so discouraging.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked a little. I am still unhappy about the whole thing but like I said, I don't want to fight. He said he plans to never drink liquor again and "not drink much" beer.

I'm still not really happy but whatever. He's always going to do what suits him when it suits him, so whatever.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, you sound so frustrated. I hope you keep working on it. I don't think ending it with
I'm still not really happy but whatever. He's always going to do what suits him when it suits him, so whatever.

is going to be good for the M or your sanity. Sure he is going to make his choices, but I think you both need to find a way to be comfortable with each other's choices. Maybe if you find a different way of approaching it he can be more understanding of what you're asking/need for comfort.

A bit of good news here. We haven't had much time together (no that's not the good news part and being Quality Time love language I tend to get more high strung when we aren't together as much. It's hard to see that things are going well with us when I can't be there to see it. So there were things that I had been wanting to talk about and every time we were together there were things that needed to be done, the time was limited etc, I couldn't have my discussions. So one of my best friend's birthday is at the end of the month and she was trying to get a few people to go out of town for the night. A few months ago, when I was upset with wbf, I was out and he asked what I was up to. I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine so I was really brief and "oh...just out doing things...". So we talked after this and he told me that "he knew what the worst he could do and by being so vague I made him worried what my worst case scenario was". I thought I was able to explain my boundaries clearly but when my friend invited me out of town I wondered if he would be uncomfortable by it at all. So I thought this would be a good time to bring up boundaries again.

What I've learned is that if I say "I'm worried you will have a ons, explain to me why I shouldn't be" he'll shut down. He takes it as "I do everything wrong etc etc". I currently have no money to go on the trip, so I explained at told him it was a hypothetical situation, "If I were to go to Niagara Falls for a night, would you be concerned. What would you expect as far as making sure you knew everything was ok" He replied that he wouldn't want me to get too drunk (which is never really an issue, I'm the life long DD in most situations) and that he would like if I could send him a text or call him when we were in for the night at least. Which is great because that's what I would expect of him as well. So I said that and told him about the rule of "not doing anything I wouldn't want him to hear or see if he was there". He seemed agree with that idea and as if he was mulling it over. So once I got that talk settled (for now at least), I've been feeling a lot better.

His birthday is on Friday and I was thinking earlier this week back to February. One thing I've always done is if I think of more than one gift idea, I save it for the next holiday. I remember, around vday I was planning to bake a cake with our faces on it. But when I was about to bake it, things started going badly and I chose not too (first vday I didn't do anything, we've always done big holidays). He cooked dinner and had a rose etc but I just had an awful day and things didn't go well at all. So normally I would have written down the cake faces idea in my idea bank but I remember distinctly thinking "why bother, who knows if we'll even make it to the next holiday -his bday). So now were here, and overall things are better. I've been a bit more emotionally touchy lately, like I'll start off the day just fine but then before I know it, I'll be upset over nothing. But things are better relationship-wise.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that frustrated is the word. It's like something broke inside of me when he said that, and I lost the will to fight or try anymore. It's been what, a week? A little more? And I still have this feeling. I'm just really sad, quiet, withdrawn. I don't want to talk to him because I can't stand another fight where he's telling me that "at some point you are going to have to move on, I am trying to move on." I can't bear it.

I'm just having a tough time. We're about to get crazy-busy at work and I know that will take away from my time with Baby Green. Originally we had talked about trying to conceive starting in July but now he wants to push it back to December. I'm terribly terribly upset about that. Before the ONS happened we'd talked about TTC much earlier than July, so July was pushed back from our original timeline anyway.

Maybe it's not a good idea to TTC anyway.

I can't figure out - am I upset about this because it IS a big deal, or because I was already upset about work stuff and TTC disappointment? Also several folks on the R forum told me that I am feeling down because it's getting to be the time of year that the ONS occurred. Maybe? Don't know.

I just don't want to think about any of this anymore, and I don't really want to be around him right now either.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:59 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana I was actually really surprised when you said this was the first time you thought that you wouldn't R. I don't think feeling that way is abnormal. Maybe you do just need some time to yourself. I know you said work is getting busier but is there anytime for you to spend some time with a close friend.

I know since dday my ability to handle stress has gone way down. If I was in your situation I think I'd be a mess with having the plans to TTC pushed back again and work getting busy and fighting. It all tends to compound and it makes it difficult to sort out my feelings. I do think the time of year too is playing a part too. If I remember correctly there's a few things that have happened to you in the month of July that are probably adding to stress.

I'm not discrediting that this could be a deal breaker for you, your the only one that can figure that out. But I would try to hang in there for a bit. See how your feeling in a few weeks. (((Jana)))


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The July thing - I got pregnant in November 2008. My due date was July 26, 2009. I had a missed miscarriage, discovered at my 12-week appointment (a missed miscarriage is where the baby stops developing but the body doesn't immediately recognize it, so no bleeding, etc.) It was a terrible thing for me. Actually the aftermath of D-Day felt a lot like the time after the miscarriage felt to me.

The ONS occurred in the wee hours of the morning of July 26, 2010. Wretched timing, truly truly wretched.

There's been some other stuff going on - our house was hail damaged back in April, and we got our insurance check for home repairs about two weeks ago. Due to two idiotic teller mistakes, our bank account spent about a week being VERY overdrawn ($13K at one point and $17K at another point). It was a very out of control and helpless feeling - we couldn't pay bills, we didn't know when it was going to be resolved, etc. So I'm sure that contributes as well.

I'm going to force myself to work out at lunch today and I'm going to make myself email him and ask if we can spend some time together tonight (he's leaving for a golf outing on Friday - more stress I guess if I let myself think about it). I've been avoiding really spending any time with him but that's probably not healthy.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6160 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight we've been having a less productive argument. Doesn't really have one topic, we just go to whichever one we have the most problem with
-me boundaries
-him lack of trust
-me not having any way of getting ahold of him (his phone is off)
-him me not putting this in the past

Yep, he went there.

I just don't want to think about any of this anymore, and I don't really want to be around him right now either.

This is me right now 100%


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
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