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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((poopylala))

Is the one he texted the "persistent" OW?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness, no. Persistent OW has disappeared as of now. This is a girl (she was friends with the persistent OW though) who was "in love" with wbf back during his secret life and she says she now has a bf but then why is she calling my wbf at 430am? Yeah.. anyways I posted in R forum about it, as you know Jana, and I just don't know what to do now. I mean he broke a promise to me and I get if he was having nightmares about her being suicidal (she called and left a voicemail on his phone and was hysterical and stuff) but why the F would he send hearts and say I miss you to her? He told me he missed not her so much but his old friends. Well he told me a few monts ago that they didn't matter to him. So now I'm getting mixed stories. And that's what doesn't sit well with me. He needs to stop lying and work on himself which he said he would do when we talked today. But that should happen regardless if we stay together or not. I don't know why he would do this.. He only confessed when he sensed I knew. Tsol gave me permission to tell my wbf about her wbf's issues with online twit because the situations are so similar and wbf was just like "wow doesnt she know she could do better than him?" and I even told him thank you for not being like that and guess what.. He said "you're welcome <3" and yet HE IS!


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lala, to me this is the difference from last time -- this time, he KNEW what it would do to you. He KNEW what it would mean. And he sat there and pretended to do the work of R with you, and STILL CHOSE THIS. And is continuing to LIE about it, changing stories.

Is that okay with you? Do you not deserve better than someone who could do that? What could possibly make you trust him again, after that?

I'm not trying to 2x4 you, I'm really not. I really want you to ask yourself those questions. Because really, everythin else depends on that -- can you possibly trust him ever again? What would he need to do to get there? And in the meantime, what do you need to do to protect yourself, until such time as he could possibly maybe EARN back some of that trust, IF he can?

I'm so sorry this is happening, lala.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plt, you have just given me alot to think about and when I get back to wbf on where I stand on us, I am going to bring up what you said- that this was all an active choice to lie and deceive me for what... a girl who lives several states away who was a friend who, according to him, "didnt matter to him"? I of course still want to be with him *smacks forehead* why, lala, why??


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I of course still want to be with him *smacks forehead* why, lala, why??

Don't beat yourself up for this. You love him, you have this idea of who he is, and it's shocking when the reality doesn't match up to your ideal. It takes some time to get over that shock, you know?

((lala))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I of course still want to be with him *smacks forehead* why, lala, why?? "
Way back 1000 years ago when I told wbf I was ready to talk to him again I remember saying at some point, "for some reason I don't understand, I still love you". It drove me crazy because you think, before an A, if it ever happened, your feelings would just go away and you would leave. Was not the case.

I've been ready everyone's updates but I've been too stressed to reply. Today is my last day at my contract job and I don't have another one to follow up with. So essentially I'm going to hide under my bed so the bill collectors can't find me. Just no one, NO ONE is hiring anyone right now! I'm at the point where I'm not too worried about what I'd do, I just need someone to give me a paycheck Any of you guys need your grass cut?

Better news, last night wbf and I had a really good night. We haven't been able to spend much time together lately. The last few times we've had together have been busy and rocky. Last night was really nice and wbf was great. We had fun, cuddled and laughed.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lala, of course you do. We all *want* to eat chocolate cake for breakfast, too, but that isn't necessarily the best choice for us either, right? Of course you still love him, of course you want to be with him -- but your feelings aren't really the point. The point is, do you deserve better than the behavior you are getting? The feelings may take some time to catch up, but you need to protect yourself in the meantime, you know?

I know its hard. Thinking of you.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peacelovetea
lying is a deal breaker, I guess that I am just hoping that one day he will tell me what really happened.

I guess I should stop hoping and face the painful truth.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So an update: I thought long and hard last week about what I wanted in a relationship. I thought about what PLT said. I thought about what could possibly be done to earn my trust back, if anything. I met with wbf today to talk and I told him I was still on the fence about if I wanted to stay or go, reason being that if I stayed how on earth could I trust him again after already giving him the chance to earn my trust back once before. And on the flip side I told him that if I left him I wanted it to be because I was truly done. Since I was undecided I didn't take either action. Instead I asked wbf what he would do if he were in my shoes (his answer: he doesn't know for sure but he knows he'd be very disappointed and upset) and I asked wbf what he even wanted because there was no point in even considering R with someone who didn't want it as it takes 2 to R and 2 to be in a relationship (he seemed scared to answer because probably he didn't want to be rejected but finally he told me he wanted to be with me and he was going to think of what he could do to earn my trust back) so I showed him the basic list of things that would help which were 1) join SI to work on self, 2) permanent NC with ANY of the old friends, 3) zero lying/breaking promises/deleting anything at all (ie complete honesty and transparency) and 4)turn to me or family when he needs comfort or support. I told him those were basic ideas he could start with and he was receptive to joining SI. We'll see what happens and where we go from there but nothing is guaranteed with us and I'll keep y'all updated.


Thank you so much for your words of advice, support and comfort. I think I prefer posting here because y'all seem more supportive of me and my decisions whereas in R or Gen I usually get "you should dump his ass"-type responses without any regards as to how I feel. Yes I'm upset and lost and angry but at the same time telling someone what to do isn't necessarily beneficial, especially when I'm obviously not ready to do it. So thank you for your words of encouragement and for being supportive, no matter what. PLT- I made sure to mention what you pointed out, that this time it was intentional and he knew he did it consciously and he agreed and still doesn't know why he did it. But I truly appreciate all of y'all


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad my words helped you, lala. I was afraid you would take them as harsh. Its good to hear you reachin clarity for yourself. I think its okay to not know what you want right now and just see what happens as you further refine your boundaries. I know myself that when I started being able to stop worrying about the outcome and just focus on me and what I needed that the path started becoming more clear. Hang in there.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is continuing to try and contact him and he hasn't responded at all- no reply to her texts or phone calls Last night I realized he may still be internalizing any thoughts and concerns regarding this girl (realization that she's most likely manipulating him by claiming suicide and depression to get him to talk to her) and I know he at one point last week said he was worried about her because of some things she said so I made it a point last night to tell him that I was open to him talking to me about anything that worried or stressed him out, even if it's this chick, and that he can always come to me and if he needs to be heard only then I can just listen and hear him out. I think that got to him better than "talk to me when you're stressed" SO I hope he will talk to me if something's bothering him. He's so internalized when it comes to problems and I think if he can open up to me he'd feel better and also it could help us bond.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lala, can he block her email/phone number? That would solve that problem nicely. :)


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, May 8th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can its a matter of what hes willing and wanting to do. So far NC is continuing nicely and i realized i cant control wbf or tell him what to do because he is grown and can make his own choices or ask mewhat i want from him. I told him tonight i realized its not my job to tell him what to do as i can onky and should only control myself but i can control my reactions and life was too short for control or for disrespect. He knows what i want and im leaving it all up to him to do his part to show me he wants R so he can block her number or not its his choice, he can join si or at leasr lurk its his choice. I give it at least 3 months before i reconsider unless he breaks nc again then im pretty sure i wouod leave him...


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, what's up? I haven't posted lately because I just haven't felt like I had much going on - not that that's a bad thing.

I just wanted to see how everyone's doing.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're doing good, actually. Had a tough week last week -- coming up on the antiversary, I realized (duh) and its stirring up stuff. Thought a lot about a trip WH took last year around now, and how bad that was, and how I know that I would be in a totally different place about that now but felt he wasn't really, I think if him now had to deal with me then it would have the same lousy result. We talked about it, and in talking about that, started talking about the ONS -- I asked him when, in his process, he was really able to face it enough to work out the details and be sure what had happened -- he said May of last year. MAY? MAY??!!! I only got the confirmation and all the new details in FEBRUARY THIS YEAR. So I spent a few days stewing about that.

Had a great counseling session last night -- we really got to the heart of the issues, mostly WH's issues of course -- and got some useful metaphors for talking about stuff. Kept going after we got home, was surprised WH was up for that, and I think he really made the connection for the first time that a) his behavior now, where he ignores something upsetting me because he's afraid, is exactly the same as his ignoring of the post-ONS issues and freaks me out accordingly and b) how much he abandoned me emotionally after the ONS. That he let me hang for almost a year without even knowing for sure what had happened was a real eye-opener to him. He just hadn't really thought about it that way for whatever reason. At first it sent him off into his shame-spiral of uselessness but he managed to recover and he was able to give me what I needed! And this morning was able to say it again and have a good cuddle with me before he left for work. There may be hope yet!

Hope all you guys are doing well. lala, wtbl, any update?


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a great update! My LL is quality time and because I haven't seen wbf at all since our last 2 talks (those were the only times I've seen him these past few weeks) I was feeling very down and even starting to just look through S and NB forum just to check it out- I wasn't feeling the love but today wbf helped me move the majority of my stuff out of my dorm so that when I check out for the school year I only have to take home the essentials and I was surprised that he wanted to go out to eat with me afterwards and we had a great time talking. He is enjoying work right now- he's a squad leader in his fire cadet class and so he is in charge of his squad of cadets and is loving the responsibility. I think it's helping him tons with his confidence too- he's learning how to tell the other guys what needs to be done but the part of it is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... he has continued ignoring this stupid girl's calls and I checked his voicemail to listen to her voicemails and she sounds so whiny and I quote (The ... are her kinda huffing and whining): "I am really.. worried.. about you and.. I.. umm.. I just hope that you're.. that you're okay and I'm hoping you're not.. ignoring me because you.. promised you wouldn't and I took your word for it.. And I just hope that you're safe and okay and that you're not ignoring me.."

SO here's the major drum roll. Tonight after we finished dinner I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about and we talked about work and the economy because he's really worried about that but then when I was getting ready to go into my dorm I apologized for being so controling in the past and I don't like alot of things I used to do or how I used to be and I was working on changing them to be a better person and I wanted him to feel comfortable with talking to me about anything- even the tough subjects. I said I didn't know if he had talked to this girl (he shook his head no) or if she had tried to contact him (he nodded yes---> HES BEING HONEST YAY!) but that I thought maybe she was trying to manipulate him just from what I knew and he said "You know I'm thinking you're right about that.." And so I said I wanted him to always be able to talk to me and he kissed me and in fact earlier when he first came he could tell I was a little tense and unsure about things between us so he pulled me in and held me. It amazed me he could read me so well! And he invited me to watch him compete in butt volleyball against war vets this saturday and I'm super excited as I've known him to compete every year but never have been invited before. So things are moving up right now :)

A girl I knew in daycare (when I was around 8ish?) was suicidal on Sunday though and that was a bit hard for me because I had to study for a final that I had monday and on one hand I wanted to be there for her like I'd want someone to be there for me but at the same time I had a final to study for and I'm not responsible for her. So it was definitely a lovely conflict I had while trying to also study.. But I ended up doing rather badly on my final monday I had my calculus final today and thursday I have my last final. Then starts summer! I have my favorite-best-job-in-the-whole-wide-world in the summer to look forward to (kids' dance teacher at a summer camp) and I'll get paid and finally have money in the bank! Woohoo


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey I'm glad to see the positive updates

Not much has been happening around here. Started classes, have a new job prospect, wbf's birthday comes up in June. That's about it, nice a dull


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wbf's birthday is in June also!! Again we are creepily doppleganger couples


How is everyone doing? Thank you so much for supporting me on here and for giving me great advice! Things are going well still, actually better than when I last posted. Wbf texted me goodnight last night, good morning this morning, right after he got off work and he's been very lovey dovey sending me "I love you"s every now and then I even have my sexual appetite back after 3ish weeks of not even thinking about it or caring TMI probably

I hope everyone is having a good week. What are y'alls plans for the summer? Anyone taking any vacations or are anyone's kids doing anything exciting?


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lala, glad to hear that he's acting right! Now just keep it up, lala's BF! I hope that girl gets the hint and gives up. Good luck!

tsol, good luck with the job prospect!

PLT, so glad to hear that you guys had a good talk.

Boring here, which is great. I've been busy at work and Mr. G has been stepping up with cooking a couple of times this week, which is just immensely wonderful. He even picked up the baby from daycare and went to the grocery store with her tonight because I had to work late. Awesomeness.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping

Saw assbrain neighbor yesterday, thought murderous thoughts, got over it by realizing that MY H was at that moment at an amusement park with my daughter being Father of the Year, doing everything right!

I still really hate assbrain though.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
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