And yes, Jana, she certainly is persistent!! But I told wbf and he just shook his head and said he didn't even know the passwords to his accounts (totally believable) and asked if I'd just delete everything since I knew his passwords so I went on to both his msn accounts, deleted all the contacts on both of them and all the messages on them and deleted the one he doesn't use for his xbox. He doesn't remember the password this one yahoo account so as far as I'm concerned it's as if it's been deleted. I feel better about things but all these events have resurfaced some old trust issues so it's taken this long to finally calm down about them. I hate these issues!!
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
The story goes like this, he was out of town working two jobs one was driving a cab in the summer, he said he picked a girl up from a bar and could not find her street and went back to store to get a map and bought some condoms, they ended up down a dead end road and had sex in the backseat, he then dropped her off and continued working.
That was all he told me at first, then in MC he said that the converstion might have went in the wrong direction and she might have been a little drunk.
Then I asked him when and where and he said that he went down the wrong road and she jumped out to look at the scenary and then approached him and he took the bait.
The added addition is he said he stopped driving september 1 but I called the doctor and found out he did not go until sept. 10,two days before he came home, he gave me a timeline of before the first of sept and said a couple days later went to hospital because he felt funny.
The other day he said he wanted to take me to lunch to tell me the story from beginning to end and answer any questions I had and then picked a fight and it never happened, when I asked him why we could not do this at home he said it would be safer in public and since I would not want him after he told me he wanted us to be together then during the fight said he was only playing.
This is a problem for me because I told him the only way to move past it is to go through it and I want the truth about everything.
He says he is telling me the truth and I just refuse to believe him, but there are too many wholes in his story and I just want to know if we can ever R without the truth?
I am stuck wondering if it was more than a ONS or many ONS's and since he did not go to the doctor until two days before he came home is it someone I know. He swears it isn't but refused to tell me the truth, so I do not know what to do.
And when I told him I found when he went to the doctor he was speechless and then said they had to put the wrong date down. He is lying to me and I am in need of advice.
Last post he had gone to counseling and things looked good. We saw each other for some car shopping that sat because he needed a new car. everything was fine when he left, gave me the details about cybergirl.
Could feel him pulling away suddenly . After I posted here I called him and asked him what was up. Suddenly he was not so sure this was going to work, he was not sure if he loved me like he use to yada yada yada..... I ask him to come over so we can talk about why the change in 48 hours? He refused.
Decided to get on our phone account. bunch of texts and calls over the weekend and all day monday to a number I did not recognize. called the number, it was a female friend of his from school I had met once! NEVER LIKED HER! Some of the texts and calls were 1-2am. I was livid. Sent the whore a msg saying you can have him I am done with him. Called Mr hurting. He had the fucking nerve to get mad at me for checking his phone logs and daring to call her!
He denied anything is happening and of course made me out to the obsessive crazy bitch. She even called me to assure me nothing was going on but she was going to be there for him as a friend. Whatever!
I asked him why if there was nothing going on didnt he tell me about talking to her. First it was because he knew I didnt like her, then he said well I was going to tell you about her!
Long story short, he is denying anything is happening but wants a divorce.
its clear he it is.....i was devestated now I am just pissed.
we tell the boys tommorrow
I can completely relate to the need for courting. That's all I keep asking wbf for. Text me when I'm not around so I know you think of me, be happy when you see me (I know he is I just need him to show it more). When we first started dating he was a fantastic "courter". I really didn't have a choice but to love him WHY can't he do that again?
Wow. I just can't believe all that's happened! He MET her?! I can't believe it! That's all I can say. I really hope things start getting better for you and as far as I'm concerned your welcome and relevant here. I post about wbf's OA but we all started with a ons.
I think on the last page you said you want wh to use all of the love languages. I wanted the same thing. I'm very quality time but I wanted it all, and I still kind of do. I think when they go outside of what they normally did and/or what their love language is it can mean more to us because it isn't what's natural for them. You see that they are making an effort. See to me those notes would be amazing but if that's what your used to, as a bs its understandable that you want more or something else.
I really don't think a real R can happen without the truth. I think you can have a relationship or M without the truth but I don't think that you can ever be happy in that M without the truth. I don't feel like your wh is willing to do the work to change and I don't know if that's worth the pain you'll feel in staying with him.
Oh know I don't remember your last update. I can only think of your stepson post in the other forum and how much it confused me. Lol
Not much has changed here. We've been up and down, here and there. I still need him to make the effort in arranging our plans. This led me to not see him for a week because I'm standing my ground on my needs. On Wednesday after not hearing from him until late in the day I was angry because he wasn't understanding what I wanted so when I heard from him on Wednesday I told him I was busy doing stuff. Didn't go into details and then just stayed quiet. On Thursday I heard from him and we got texting (because I was working a double) and he was angry and I was angry. Apparently my evasiveness got him into a panic. He knew the worst he could do and he was worried he'd find out the worst I can do. He thought I was "with someone". That made me angry because I've NEVER given him a reason to be concerned about that. But anyways he handled it well and we talked openly. I told him that there were a few months after dday where I really considered having an ra but I knew I couldn't. And if I couldn't then, I know its just not an option, it would go against my values. When I finally saw him last night I he brought it up and apologized again for getting angry. Which is huge because he never brings up things like that on his own. I know we still have a long way to go but I was happy he did that. We had a good day yesterday and I was very happy to see him and I think he was happy to see me too.
sorry i am not keeping up on your lives, I dont have the focus or energy to do so.
I am about as close to the verge of a nervous breakdown as I ever have been. Went back today to doc ,they are going to give me ambien becuase I have not had more than 5 hours of fitful sleep the past week. I am exhausted but cant sleep. The anxiety level is so high, I am not eating very well either.
I cant believe he is leaving me in this manner and in this condition financially and emotionally. He has expressed his guilt over leaving me in this financial mess. Not so much expressed remorse for the affairs or what he is currently doing with this new girl.
I dont know who this man is....its like there are two of him. I have told many of his family the whole truth and they are livid but no one is going to hold him accountable in the end. He still gets to ride off in his new mustang, finish up his degree I helped him get and move to Ca to be with his son and not have to deal with what this has done to me or my sons.
My oldest already called him and wants him to come over. he promised to on Sunday.
we are going to try and draw up the papers then.
I am so exhausted, I cant think straight.
I am so sorry it's gone down this way. I am so sorry he turned out to be such a rotten piece of stinking awful!
I hope you are able to rest and eat. And I'm pissed as all hell at him for being careless with your love and throwing away his chance to be happy with you.
they are all shocked and saddened and angry.
Got a bit of info from his best friend that apparantly this new girl told him she loves him ,wtf? He told his best friend that he does not know what to do with the situation. Just kills me.
My anger comes and goes, I want to hold onto it but just this a.m. I had a meeting about my youngest son and i instinctively picked up the phone to call mr hurting to tell him about what happened
:( I got a big pit in my stomach over it and feel so depressed. Damn, I need to get mad again....
He is so defensive and telling me how I dont get to control this and this its over, which I know and I am sure of. I just keep telling him to stop with the lies and show me the respect i deserve.
he is so deluted and sick in the head. I dont know who this man is I was married to.
Just want it over.
He is spiralling down, down, down right now.
It sounds like he lacks any kind of healthy coping mechanism.
I'm so so sorry.
i am telling many of his family members of what is really going on...he is telling them that the divorce is 99% his fault and he is asking for it, i think to appease me so I wont out him to them.
Because when we talk, its all about my control issues and how he has felt trapped in this relationship for years but wouldnt leave because i was he felt obligated to stay since I had been helping him out. Yet time and again, during our relationship, I would ask him about being with me and he would say, I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to be here.
He is sick and running and i have to get out of the way of this mess and move on. I know I can, i am just in the thick of it right now and its all so hard.
I know I can, i am just in the thick of it right now and its all so hard.
This is so true. You CAN do it, I know you can do it. You're in the hardest part right now. ((HUGS)) It WILL get better.
I'm so so sorry hurting.
WTBL -- he's lying, what more do you need to know? You know he's not telling the whole truth, you know there are holes no matter what he says. You know he's lying about the doctor. The question then, is whether that lying is a dealbreaker for you. Is this what you want your M to be like? It really does come down to that simple.
Update on us: He's been home for a week now. Its been up and down, for me -- he is so happy to be home. But to have everything "back to normal". Now some of that I like -- a lot of our life is good, even in how we relate. But I am still missing that sense that this is "new" that he is stretching, trying new things, that he is "driving the car" as the MC wanted. And that's frustrating and triggery and makes me just plain sad. I am trying to stay in it anyway, to not let anger build back up. We had date night last night and had a really nice dinner together, took a walk and stopped for a cup of tea, then came home and somehow we lost momentum in sending the sitter home etc and he was on his phone on Facebook and blah blah and it just turned itno any other night. I finally asked him what that was about before bed, and he was distressed and confused I think -- he was fine with it and thought we'd had a perfectly nice night. Sigh. We talked about it a bit and ended the night with some nookie which was nice but I am still left feeling sad with the realization that he just doesn't want what I want, that deep level of emotional intimacy, you know? I think I just need to resign myself to not having it, I really do. I just was really hoping he'd come home with a bit of ... hunger... that we would have the fun of "dating" again, that energy. That he would SHOW me his feelings instead of just telling me they are there. I guess he's just not there yet, he spent the whole week shut down instead of working on stuff. So disappointing, that he is still so resistant.
I want the man who wrote me the apology letter. Why can't he act like that, say those things, directly? Just in that letter. Devestating.
But, I am trying to concentrate on the good things. I think it will be good once school starts in the fall and I am too busy to dwell on all this so much...
Just popping in for a mo' Hurting..., I am so very sorry that it has ended this way for you, I wish I could give you a real life hug, lots of them.
I've had a quick read of your last posts, honey, life will get better, one day at a time for you and the boys. I know it's certainly not the way it should have been.
Honey, it's shit, what has happened to you, and should never have happened at all, and I could say all sorts of things like "you'll be better off without him", but the fact is you deserved a "happy ever after" and I'm sorry it's not to be with him.
You and the boys will be a great team, they will love and adore their mum, and you will love and adore them right back. They'll see a woman strong enough not to accept less than she deserves and be better men for it.
Hugs Hurting, keep strong, yeah, aim for angry, it's so much more productive and keep in touch, please. I'll pop back when ever I can, WS is still here and SI my secret place :) Take care of yourself and the kids.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 8:32 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]
In the meantime, mr hurting is taking a downward spiral. Cant stop blameshifting ....all my control issues pushed him away is the story now. He is telling his family its 99% his fault for the divorce but tells me a diff story when we talk. I know its because he is hoping to appease me so I dont tell all his dirty little secrets to his family. Well guess what ,both his mother and father know the gory details but have agreed to keep quiet until the D is finalized. They are appalled by his behavior.n Some of his family is more mad than I am , one of his cousin's wife is just seething!
I have consulted a lawyer when I first kicked him out and she didnt tell me anything I already didnt know. It looks like we have the details figured out, we are going to try to sit down this weekend and write it up ourselves, through an interacitve website. If we can it should only cost us 400 for filing fees. Either way I am having to file bankruptcy so I am using that to get the rest of our savings in my name and asking him to continue support for two more months and pay for any non discharged bankruptcy costs which look to be about 1,000 dollars. Otherwise, i was going to go after him for the part of the debt he is responsible for that I am swallowing.
If we can get it filed in the next week, i think they are scheduling out dates for june right now for divorce court.
I just want out at this point so the truth can come out.
apparantly, he is drinking like a fish and looks like complete hell according to his roomate and best friend. He had the nerve to send me a text msg about a fb posting that a guy (matt) friend has been awfully flirty with me lately, to "have fun with matt". He has some balls considering he is screwing this 28 year old who is "in love with him". He is fucked up and losing control.
Ladies, how is everyone?
I'm stressed out a bit b/c DH is out of town again, but I'm mostly ok. He just called and updated me on how things are going. I'll talk to him tonight. I'll be ok, it's just one night.
How is everyone doing? Happy Easters all?
I meant to update this weekend but ended up in a massive migraine Saturday (on the first nice day we've had in forever, sigh) and then yesterday was still feeling crappy. Managed to have a nice Easter for the kids but last night, blammo, migraine came back. UUUGGGHHH. Today I am trying to lay low and take it easy. WH and I have both had colds all weekend, too. Yuck. Made for a funny MC session, both of us snuffling the whole time.
That went well. We were saying on the way there that it seems like more than 2 weeks since we had our post-separation session. Things have been going well. WH (and well, me too I guess) sometimes still reverts to "old marriage" behavior but I am good at calling him out about it and we had a good dialogue in session with the MC where it was made clear that his stuff is HIS stuff and I can't and won't fix it. Discussed practical ways to integrate some of our new insights. He encouraged us to keep naming what was new and was was old in our interactions. I am hopeful we can get there -- WH still has a lot of his stuff to work at but he's trying.
And frankly, seeing how he takes care of me when I have a migraine -- he is the only one in the world who knows exactly what to do, which meds I need when, and when to leave me alone and when to hold me. He also doesn't laugh at me (too much) in my narcotic ramblings.
Hurting, hope you are hanging in there. Other ladies? How's it going?
My women's therapy group just finished and 2 of the girls and I plan to meet this Wed at the time when we'd normally have group to just talk and see how things are going with each other. Group has helped me learn alot about how how my relationship with my dad has affected how I handle things.
This is my last week of school and then I have finals spread out over the next two weeks and then summer! I have a summer job lined up (same one as always which I love!!) and am looking forward to that.
How is everyone else doing?
PS- No word from the persistent OW Maybe she FINALLY got it....
ETA: I don't think wbf got it... will update later.
[This message edited by poopylala at 3:13 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]