Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingtostay

Would it really change anything for you to confront the OW?

H is responsible, or should be, for his actions.

Forget OW, she is nothing and you are everything.

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
kcliff01
♂ New Member
Member # 27532
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it still considered a one-night stand when your partner has over 20 "hook-ups" over the course of 5 years? No booze was involved. Just trolling Craigslist for others wanting a quick fix.

I have been searching on this site and the Internet for literature about spouses who have multiple "hook-ups" rather than an affair with a single person. I want to be able to understand the psychology behind it.

Anyone have any recommendations of a good book, article or website that addresses this type of cheating?


Day of Discovery: 02/03/2010

Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Georgia
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The urge to find OW was fleeting. I'm glad I didn't give in to the impulse. Insert your own snarky aside here.

kcliff01 -
I've got 3 different books coming from Amazon.
Infidelity: A Survival Guide
Getting Past the Affair
Surviving Infidelity
They get pretty good reviews, but I'll let you know when they get here.
Though, with your situation, I would suggest counseling for you by yourself and counseling with your partner. IMHO
We're looking at finding my H some outside counsel, he doesn't have the unconditional support that I do outside our marriage. I also think he needs to be able to run down a train of thought without worrying about how it will effect me or whether I'll view him differently.

[This message edited by tryingtostay2010 at 8:48 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KCcliff-- I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and what you must be going through. Skip the books. Go to counseling--definitely-- and immediately. That's my opinion.

Good wife-- "She is nothing and you are everything"-- Damn straight. Thank you for all your posts.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
TwistedUp
♀ Member
Member # 27294
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Wife- I want you to know that I admire your perspective and thoughts I've quoted here. I wish, with all my might, that I was of a similar thought. I'm just not that big of a person. Please know that I'm not picking on you or singling you out by quoting you. I just wanted to give my own perspective on the questions/thoughts you posed. I can't be the only one who feels the way I do!

Would it really change anything for you to confront the OW?

I can't speak for anyone besides myself, but you damn skippy it changed something when I confronted OW. She now knows screwing with me again would be a *very* bad idea, and she was smart enough to take the warning.

H is responsible, or should be, for his actions.

Yep. He is. 100%. Just as OW was for hers. There's a price to pay for everything.

Forget OW, she is nothing and you are everything.

Oh how I wish that's how I felt!! If that were true, my fWH wouldn't have thrown caution to the wind and risked his FUTURE with *everything* to screw with *nothing*.

fWH has done everything and more that I've asked, and 7 months after his indiscretion (I busted them before it went any further), I still reel with feelings of inadequacy because obviously *nothing* had something over *everything*, or NOTHING is what would have happened!!

[This message edited by TwistedUp at 9:35 PM, February 14th (Sunday)]


Me: 37
fWH: 39- Almost a ONS, but I caught him red-handed.
D-Day: July 2009.
In active and so far successful R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2010
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be satisfying to tell her she's a diseased slut and she needs to get some antibiotics.

I don't want to deal with her. I think my self image would take a beating no matter what. If she's attractive and thin, I don't need the comparision. If she's a dog, then WTF!??! In my head, I prefer to think of her as my twin. My much older twin with stretch marks.

[This message edited by tryingtostay2010 at 9:57 AM, February 15th (Monday)]


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twistedup,

So sorry for your pain. Neither I nor my H knew the OW. Him not knowing her makes it easier for me to say she is nothing.

I however know I am everything and more and he knows it too. He could look far and wide and never find another like me. I know I am attractive, but that does not even compare to what we both know I am on the inside.

He, however, must live with what he did and although I do not believe it defines him, he now knows he is capable of such a thing.

Part of his punishment is that he will always wonder if I'll ever feel the same love and adoration again. He knows that I love him but who knows if blind mindless faith will ever return on my part. He knows that if our friends, family and children knew, they would chose me.

But you see, no one other than my IC and my SI friends know the truth, this is a further testament to who I am and what I choose to believe we are.

We are in a good place. I am beginning to believe that one day soon, we will be great again.

Sometimes we are all stupid, we all all imperfect; we are all, at times, weak.

Sorry for the long windedness, but please believe you are all that and more. He married you, he picked you and he is still with you.

Please try to believe again, if you are choosing to recover and mend, open your heart and mind and take that giant leap of faith.

It is working for me and I pray it will work for you.

Bump to my girl 1Marley....girl, we are who we want to be...believe it!

Peace,
Goodwife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
PW1694
♀ New Member
Member # 27818
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile since anyone posted but hopefully someone reads this-

I'm so glad I found this thread, so many people are going through long term, multiple affairs, versus a ONS.

In some ways, I think dealing with a ONS is easier-I don't have to think that he is emotionally attached, because WH was just with a stripper/prostitute (he says stripper, I say a woman who has sex for money=prostitute) while on a trip in a foreign country and out drinking. Not a normal situation, not an emotional relationship or someone he loves or will ever see again.

On the other hand, the fact that he could do something so depraved almost makes it worse, and it shows how he could disconnect emotionally to be able to do that. Also, though it would be a huge concern either way, I feel more at risk for STDs considering he was with a woman who has probably had more exposure to diseases than the average normal woman.


Me: BW 28
Him: WH 30
Married 4 Years
D-Day 3.2.10

Posts: 40 | Registered: Mar 2010
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PW-- Many of us have the exact same story (read my bio). I hear what you're saying, but don't downplay the hurt. Both situations are life-changing.

You will find a lot of support here. How did you find out and what is your husband doing to help mend what's been broken?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Workin It Out
♂ Member
Member # 27473
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PW...

Both are just as devastating, but the ONS always leaves you wondering if there were any more. WW sees my pain after one and knows that admission of a second one would push me over the edge. I don't believe she had another one, but still worried that bomb is going to drop


I believe there's a ghost of a chance we can find someone to love....And make it last - Rush

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Between here and somewhere else
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PW,

I know it's difficult, but don't downplay what you are going through because it's "only" a ONS. I understand how there could be a tendency to think that a ONS is better than a LTA, but a betrayal is a betrayal.

In some ways, yes - I understand that a ONS may seem like the easier level of infidelity to deal with, but like you said: in some ways it is worse because the ONS meant less than nothing. And how is it that our spouse could disconnect emotionally from us in such a way to justify any extramarital sexual act?

I really hope that you are taking actions to protect yourself, and that both you and your WS have been tested for any STDs.

I may not always post frequently, but I do read nearly every day. Please continue to post your thoughts/feelings here. I know it can sometimes feel as though you are dealing with a different strain of infidelity here...for better or worse.


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel ONS's are sometimes easier and sometimes harder.

It's easier for me because I don't worry about maintaining NC. I don't worry that he loves her or that she provided some sort of emotional support that I didn't. It's easier because it was about him and not her.

It's harder for me because for 60 minutes or so, he didn't give a shit about me or our family. I can't blame her as a wicked temptress because it was about him and not her. It's harder because he had unprotected sex with a stranger and then had unprotected sex with me. It's harder because I'll never be 100% sure he didn't 'fess up because he was worried about STDs. It's harder because there weren't any warning signs before it happened.


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember when I first found out being so shocked that he was capable of it that I actually wished it was with someone he knew.

Lots of counseling, however, has left me grateful that I can look at this as what it was: ONE horrible, horrible decision.

I am teaching a book right now to high schoolers dealing with the topic of atonement and I asked the question, "Can anyone ever really atone for their mistakes?"

One of my students answered, "Yes. Everyone can atone. As long as they admit what they did was wrong and build something better in place of their mistake."

I couldn't have said it better myself.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kcliff01,

It sounds as if your partner may be a sex addict. I'm no professional on this but someone who just wants to have random, meaningless sex with strangers has some issues somewhere.

I'm not sure I would call this a ONS per se, as it is a continuing pattern of behavior. They just have many partners.

Of gravest concern to me is the risk he or she has put you at. While your partner may assure you that condoms were used you have no way to know that for sure, you already know they tell lies about this kind of thing. Have you gotten yourself checked over for STDs?


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you ever beat yourselves up for not "getting over it" after a period of time?

My WH has NEVER said this to me or even implied it, don't get me wrong. I've just been having an extremely hard time lately (anger stage?) and am fully back on fence as it pertains to R. A conversation I had yesterday w/someone who knows me & WH very well, and knows all the details sort of implied that I need to accept what he did and - if I still love him - move on in the marriage. This person was placing a ton of importance on the fact that WH confessed on his own (most likely, I would NEVER have found out) and that is a testament to his overall character. That he couldn't live with what he did, and couldn't keep something so horrible from me.

In my better moments I can understand this, but what the fuck? I'm supposed to be HAPPY that WH confessed? Like that makes it A-ok? (BTW, this isn't what the person meant, but I'm just going off on a rant here).

I've been told in so many words (again, never by WH) that the ONS was just an exercise in stupidity, that the real danger is when emotions are involved. Okay. So by that rationale I should be happy that WH had no problem risking our marriage for 20 minutes of conversation in a bar with a skank that he doesn't even know the name of, and a "yes" answer when he asked her if she wanted to go to a hotel. Isn't that worse in some ways? I could almost understand if emotions were involved, if he found himself drawn to another woman.

But for a nameless fuck? Really?

Just venting. Sigh.


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((just breathe))

I get what you're saying totally. The one thing I kept saying to my H during our lengthy conversations was "You didn't even know her, how the hell could you do that?" and his reply was, "you mean it would be different if it was with someone we know?"

I'm not sure it would make it any easier either way...because plain and simple, the reasons or rationale they had do NOT make sense to us as a BS.

What your friend said - I get that too,

I need to accept what he did and - if I still love him - move on in the marriage

ultimately that's "tough love" speaking to you and ultimately the truth. In order to heal we DO need to accept that it happened and move forward - I wouldn't say move on - that to me implies that you're sweeping it under the rug so to speak. It's not a matter of being thankful that your H confessed to screwing around, it's more of your friend saying "it could be way worse, it could have been a LTA, he could have fallen in love with someone else, he could have completely kept it from you and you would have never been the wiser". Point being, your H DOES have a conscience (sp) and he loves you enough to be honest with you and admit his mistake. Doesn't mean it's easy by any means, it still frickin hurts, but there's so many dealing with so much worse, IMO. Sending hugs to you today!

HR

[This message edited by hopelessromantic at 5:15 PM, March 12th (Friday)]


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Breathe-- I too agree with what your friend told you. There comes a point when the sheer exhaustion of thinking about it, worrying about it, and hypothesizing about it becomes old and changes YOU as a person.

She is also right to place a lot of importance on the fact that he confessed. I think it says a lot about him, too. I wish every day I could say the same thing of my husband.

But...it sounds to me like you ARE in the anger stage, and to that I say GET ANGRY!! I think I have only begun the exit stage from the anger stage in the last couple of months (and it's been almost a year and a half since D-Day). It's a slow stage to exit. And I think that's okay.

I guess what I'm saying is that while you had no control over what he DID, you do have control over how you "embrace" forgiveness (if that's what you choose). And my mantra through all of this has been that forgiveness will come on MY terms, when I'M ready, and WHEN I MEAN IT. Fully.

I am not using the term "getting over it" any more when it comes to what happened. To me, you "get over" small disappointments and embarrassments. I will never "get over it" what he did, but I think that's okay. I am working toward acceptance, building and new and better relationship, and ultimately forgiveness. That just makes more sense for me.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I managed to find this site after I found out, and have been reading for a week or so. Finally decided I needed someone to listen, too :)

I hope I am not entirely out of place here. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2.5 years, and have lived together almost 2 years. In the past 2-3 months, he developed a new interest and started spending time with people I didn't know and/or trust. In particular, I didn't like one girl who seemed to try really hard to be his best friend, but never was even remotely nice to me. All of her comments were back-handed (for example, she once said, to my boyfriend, about me: "she might be prettier than I am!"). They texted a lot and im'd a lot and he didn't listen to me when I voiced concern.

I guess I figured he was going through a phase, and was nervous because it was his longest relationship, so I was indulgent. He ended up going to a party on February 20th, going back to her place, and sleeping with her. Two weeks later (last Monday, the 8th), he told me.

He's done everything "right" since. He's done the no-contact letter (I got the final approval before it went out), shared with me word-for-word the texts when she immediately violated the no-contact, blocked her online and on his phone while I watched, and has been patient, understanding, and thoughtful for the past week or so.

Clearly, it's very, very close to D-Day. I'm pretty scared that the motivation to mend won't last. We're doing couples counseling (starting Friday!) and individual counseling (next Weds for me!), talking a lot, and "rebooting" our relationship (I'm decorating our apartment like crazy). But it's just a week out. Can it be sustained? It took him only two and a half years to betray me. How can I possibly trust that he wouldn't do it again? How do I know it's not a bad sign that it happened so soon?

Help? Thoughts? I am having such a hard time sorting everything out.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working It Out---March 8
Both are just as devastating, but the ONS always leaves you wondering if there were any more. WW sees my pain after one and knows that admission of a second one would push me over the edge.

---This is something that bothers me as well. Althou it does bother me that he says he did it two different times with the same girl(she was a regular at the same bar)

just breathe--March 12

I should be happy that WH had no problem risking our marriage for 20 minutes of conversation in a bar with a skank that he doesn't even know the name of, and a "yes" answer when he asked her if she wanted to go to a hotel. Isn't that worse in some ways? I could almost understand if emotions were involved, if he found himself drawn to another woman.

But for a nameless fuck? Really?

---I also feel this way...especially when it was during a time when I really needed a friend to lean on. Someone I could trust.
And I only found out because I got a STD!! He did not come out and tell me on his own. That is why I wonder were there more and he just doesn't want to push me over the edge?

I have forced the communication, which I think was a big problem. I have told him exactly what bothers me about our M from before D-Day and after. He was a little overwhelmed and started to get upset. I stayed calm and said that I just want to get all of this out...because the way we are handling it now is just pushing us further apart
I then told him to have his say...yes I didn't like some things, but I wanted to hear everything.
I think it has really helped. We are sleeping now in the same bed...not touching..but at least talking to each other...he had a night were he got all glum...I got it out of him what the problem was and then told him that we HAVE to communicate instead of just assuming.

I hope this works...this is a last time effort by me...
I would like to save this marriage, but I am now prepared better, emotionally, if it doesn't.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me_Too:
You actually sound really put together for it being so close to D-Day! I'm impressed by your maturity in dealing with such a nightmare. We've all been where you are.

Aside from reading through posts here and finding things that make sense to you, I would recommend taking advantage of the counseling while it's a priority. I feel like I was so dazed in the first few months that I didn't really listen to my counselor or my husband-- I just wanted them to wake me up and tell me none of this had ever happened.

It does sound like he's doing the "right" things. Take comfort in that. Take each moment as it comes, and allow yourself to ride the roller coaster. If you two both decide that you want to put 100% effort into making your relationship better and stronger than it was before this happened, then you are on the road to recovery.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Topic Posts: 969
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.