Try to remember the tactics from original dday for taking care of yourself. Regardless of where you and wh end up, you are what you need to focus on right now
I'm so sorry for everything that's happening. If only they could have the brains to see the destruction they cause with the ons and apply it to everything else ((hurting))
I am sorry but I have not really been in a place to give support to others...
I am actually in a good place as far as my own emotional health right now...but still feel like I am right on the edge, and worry about not being able to maintain and not fall off of that cliff...
Now that my depression is finally under control, and I feel like I am starting to think clearly again, I am starting to question my decision to stay and try to make things work.
I am still not convinced I have all of the truth about the past...and at this point don't feel I can trust him going forward...
I have given almost three years to him now to try to get past this...I'm not sure I am willing to give anymore.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Anyway, hurting Ė I am SOOOOOO sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in right now. It just blows my mind how this could happen. I wish I had some great words of advice for you, but Iíve got nothing. It seems to me that your husband has not dealt with his self-esteem issues that got the two of you in this mess to begin with. At the very least, any attempts to reconcile should be conditional on him attending IC; which he obviously needs. It is beyond me how he could risk a marriage that was headed towards healing for something so meaningless. Yet perhaps that is exactly how he saw it Ė meaningless; and perhaps he didnít think it was a big deal because it wasnít ďin real lifeĒ. Nevertheless, he shared with another woman (even if it was only in cyberspace), what is only meant for you; and he lied to you. And like you said, he watched you cry and he held you; all the while knowing he was keeping this secret from you. He let you begin to heal under false pretenses. If that isnít something that should require individual counseling, then I donít know what does! Again, Iím so very sorry. As for you though, YOU will be okay. As you know, we are all here for you to vent to; and no matter what decision you make, YOU will survive this. You are smart (Iíve seen this in your many posts where youíve offered such excellent advice); you are caring (again, I can attest to this because you gave me great words of encouragement when I was at my worst); and you are strong. In fact, I think youíve handled this situation much better than I would have. There is no way that I would have been able to hold all of that in to dig deeper. Instead, I would have opened my mouth with the first piece of information I had; sabotaging any efforts to learn anything new! Iím pretty crazy like that though (so Iíve learned over the past few months!). And the fact that you made it through an interview (and rocked it) during all of this, absolutely amazes me!!!! Congrats to you, by the way!!! Just remember, YOU rock!!! YOU are awesome. YOU did NOTHING wrong. Be good to yourself and keep forcing the food down. And if you can keep making it to the gym every now and then, do it! Enjoy your kids and be YOU. Yes, I know, easier said than done!!!!
the pain is unbearable.
Its #12. But read the rest because I'm sure you skipped a few that didn't apply the first time but might now
Its on page 2 of general right now
He came over and we talked for about 2 hours while WH was at work. WH has not had much time to speak to him so BF knew nothing about the details and was floored. However, he did state at the same time that this behavior was like WH back in his single days after he returned home from CA. Alot of running around with women for a hook up here, date there, constantly online. He remembers feeling like it was getting to a point where it was out of control and that he might of been having a bit of trouble. Then he started to settle down ,had a relationship with a girl before me that didnt work out that was serious then met me . BF was mad as hell about all of this. He thinks its ALOT to do with self esteem issues(he brought it up, i didnt)and the need to be validated by these women.
WH was spewing out his pain towards me last night. I think kicking him out added fuel to the fire but I think its more the fact that this made him take a long and ugly look in the mirror and counseling brought up some feelings he doesnt want to encounter. So like an wounded animal, he is lashing out biting and snarling towards anyone trying to help clean the wound.
By later that night, he was just numb as was I. this a.m. civil, but hardly no contact today.
Part of me cant wait till sat to have him out, part of me fears it more than anything else. I cant believe this is my life.
thanks tsol for the link
[This message edited by hurting38 at 2:52 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]
And it's scary too, to realize that things are happening right in front of you and all around you, but that you might know nothing about it. And that can go for all and any of us.
Glad his BF was able to enlighten you to past behaviors, which are so often the predictor for the future. It's probably of no comfort right now, but you're lucky to have this BF of his to offer a third person perspective.
If your WS learned anything from past experiences he seems to have let it slip by.
My guess is his anger is being directed at you as it's easier than being angry at himself, he must just feel so foolish. I can't imagine how it would feel to resent yourself for your own stupidity.
I certainly don't want to put thoughts in your mind, none of us really know your situation, and for each of us life is so different, but I can't help but think of what is so often said, that it's not words that count, but actions.... and his actions while trying to R from his ONS, was to carry on with an albeit, loose, but undeniable cyber relationship of some kind with another woman.
It's not love, it's not lust, it's not some deep emotional connection, it's just shameless cheap thrills at the end of the day... I mean, really, what's the point in doing this stuff? I must be simple minded.... I just don't understand the why.
Hurting38, I know this is just the most terrible time for you, and my heart goes out to you, I hope you're holding together, remember, this too shall pass.
How are your kids doing?
I wonder if he was thinking at the time about this cyber thing. Also I wonder if there's anything ELSE he's hiding.
I'm sorry he's lashing out at you. I'd imagine he feels like an idiot right now, as well he should.
((itspjw)) I'm sorry you're feeling on edge still - I do hope that things look up for you.
Candy, so glad you had a good visit. I hope those good feelings can continue on at home . . .
Hey tsol and hard_yards, hope all is well for you. Lala, if you're out there, hey lady!
the kids dont seem to know but think mom is still "feeling sick" from her surgery back in jan. the blessing is we dont see each other during the week so the kids dont see the interactions much with us. we are going to tell them sat
I am just surviving right now. yes the need to want to keep passwords phone stuff seperate in the past clearly is connected. when I am feeling up to it, i have a few thoughts I put down on paper to my sister and will share.
I will post later. thank you everyone and sorry I am of no help to anyone else at this point.
sorry I am of no help to anyone else at this point.
((hurting)) please don't worry about this right now. We're here for you.
I started Cipralex yesterday which I've noticed side effects to as well. Hopefully they don't last but I'm worried because my body doesn't like medication at all.
Last night I ended up having a meltdown because he wouldn't talk when I wanted to. An ongoing issue is me trying to get him to communicate throughout the day. Its not so much that I need to know where he is/what he's doing I just need to know that he thinks of me. I think this is the ons conflict of whether or not he thought about me and didn't care or "forgot he's been in a relationship for 5 years and is not supposed to jump in bed with strangers". Anyways when he "all we ever talk about is what I do wrong"-ed I decided I didn't want to talk to him anymore so it was a quiet night. And in that silence I considered giving up on R all together. I considered it a lot. Today I feel better but I still don't know if we can R without mc. Once were out of his comfort zone we just cannot communicate. But mc is so out of his budget. We did the first session and were supposed to go to individual ones. Which = $100 a piece, $50, not so bad but $100 is hard especially with wbf's hour cuts. I'm going to talk to mc and ask if rather than having a full session each, maybe we could just take half of one each. I have looked for a cheaper mc but I really think wbf connects with this one and I think (if we can ever get there) we'll get our best results with him.
I will post this weekend. I am still hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 1:59 PM, April 1st (Friday)]
I have gone from being sick to my stomach all morning to total relief. I did not realize how much stress this past week has put on me.
this a.m. with the kids was very emotional. my youngest 7, started to cry. I made mr hurting start the conversation. My oldest asked him point blank if that meant they would never see A---- again(his son in CA). I know that had to cut like a dagger. My little guy loves Mr Hurting and it broke my heart. I planned for them to stay with my father because they always have a blast and I am so glad I did, because after he packed up and left ,i just sat on the couch for about 1 hour staring out the front windows, blank. I kept telling myself to get up and get moving but I could not physically do it. Finally, I moved and started wathcing some baseball (love my cubs) cleaning and getting outside since it was very nice here today. A friend had already suggested we do something tonight so I forced myself into the shower and cleaned myself up. That really helped and there was just a wave of relief and letting go I felt.
I am sure it will be short lived, I imagine until things are resolved one way or another, I will roller coaster,although with the medication, I am hoping not as bad.
I guess I am starting to finally face my new reality a bit. I will feel a bit better about things if I get this job but in the end, he has to do the work on himself to get me to point (if I want to even try) to work on the issues between us he has brought up.
I saw a glimpse of the old Mr hurting today, i think reality has caught up with him as well. I am 180ing his butt for now, because its healthy for me.
So that is where things stand. I see IC on tuesday to explore with her what R would even have to look like if I want it(and if he wants it). I have no idea how we could possibly get there,although he is definately sounding more and more open these days to it now that I yanked the rug out from underneath him.
In the end, its just not my choice, i cant do the work for him and its somehow very freeing.
thanks for listening everyone.
Now that most of the truth has come out, I felt that you should know the damage you too have caused to this family. While mr hurting is ultimately responsible for his actions, as he is the one who continued to lie and betray me for 2 1/2 years with sexting, phone calls, IM's, photos and ultimately your webcam interaction as recently as January (which by the way, I was recovering from a hysterectomy at the time) you played a part in this destruction too.
mr hurting and I were in counseling and healing from a physical indiscretion that occurred in July that he admitted to. I don't know if that was you , he denies it was but at this point I cant tell the truth from lies and it really does not matter.
The pain is in the fact that these things with you escalated during that time instead of decreasing to the point of the webcam in January, all the while in counseling . I dont know if you were aware of what occurred in July and at this point does not really matter.
While you and your husband may have an "agreement" that works for you two, you need to understand the damage you are causing by being a part of knowingly deceiving another's spouse. I know you knew he was lying to me about this as Mr. hurting had to tell you to stop with the texts and phone calls in July after I gained access to is phone records and passwords. the participation in the deception makes you partially responsible for the break up of this family, like it or not. You were not being "loyal" to your friend. You were engaging in acts to meet your own selfish needs at the expense of someone else.
It makes me ill that as facebook friend, you had indirect access to my life and children's lives through Nmr hurting and yet you could still look into the mirror everyday at yourself and continue what you were doing. I guess the fix you got from it was worth it.
Now, the lives of myself and three little boys are forever changed. As a result, I have a devastated 7 year old who cried when mr huting had to tell him that he was moving out. You nor mr hurting for that matter, gets to see or deal with the aftermath of the destruction you two have caused. All of the fun, none of the consequences.
May I recommend that next time instead of receiving surgery to make yourself feel better, that you invest that money in some good counseling to address your selfish and pathetic need for virtual validation from men at the expense of others. It would be a much healthier for you and the lives you are randomly destroying.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:02 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]
We started our temporary "break" today -- he left this afternoon for a week of NC (except with the kids, who think he is on a business trip). We decided in MC that this was going to be "the death of the old marriage", with a "ritual for burial" at our next counseling session, which is where we will see each other again after the week. As part of that, I took off my wedding ring, but WH saw and was totally upset because he didn't think "it was going to be like that". I am not sure what part of "the old marriage is dead" he didn't get, especially since we talked about the reason its dead is that he didn't do what was needed to heal it after the ONS and that its too late to do it now. Its like he constantly minimizes the situation... still.
Anyway, I am feeling good about this. I don't know if it will really be long enough, or if we may need to move to an official separation, but I like trying this first so we don't make it public to the kids/family/etc yet. Seems worth trying. I'm glad to be here with my kiddos. (I am also really glad that they go back to school tomorrow after spring break!! )
So interested to see what happens after this week, whether I find myself thinking of him more or less as time goes on. He was really upset when he left, so I am a little worried about him. A mutual guy friend is gonna check on him so I know he'll get some attention.
Oh, and my other big news is that I got accepted to the doctoral program I applied to. So in the fall I will be starting school full time and in 5 years hopefully I will be Dr PLT! Can I do it? Stay tuned. lol
How was your outing with your friend? How are your kids doing? Have you been able to eat and sleep ok this weekend?
PLT congrats on being accepted!! That is great!
So happy for you in getting in!!!! You can do it!!! Our lives are running a bit parallel these days so I am hoping that means that I am set to get that job offer I was hoping for.
Telling the kids was the hardest thing I had to do, afterwards I turned to Mr Hurting and said, I have never hated you as much as I hate you at this moment. Hurt me is one thing, my hurt babies is another. I am finding that although my kids are hurting, they are vocalizing it with me and they are really taking cues from me. The more stable I appear, the better they do.
Making them feel safe is the best for them and fortunately, they have good family on their dad's side that are aware of the situation and continue to help with the consistency.
that is all i can recommend if you have to extend the seperation. Do your best to hold it together in front of them. Its exhausting for us but healthier for them.
Its interesting on a side note, I have one dog that is particularily connected to me. I swear he has not left my side this entire weekend. He normally will sleep with the other dog in my oldest son's room, last night I had to drag him in there. I gave up and let him sleep in my room on the floor. He must be able to sense what is going on inside of me.
Went and saw limitless over the weekend, it was vey helpful to get out. I am glad my friend made me go. The amount of stress that has lifted from me has been quite amazing since he left. I am doing MUCH better, although I am not sleeping through the night and still feel so tired. I can get to sleep but the meds dont seem to keep me asleep. I look good, I went to the gym yesterday and lost 6-7 pounds in 10 days or so since this started. I am back down to before having any children weight. I know not the healthiest way but I am going to use this opportunity to keep my portion sizes in check and watch what I eat better. This put my total weight loss at almost 28 pounds since I was married 14 months ago!
Boy has Mr hurting changed his tune in the last 24 hours. We will see if it lasts. Now its , I miss you and think we should work this out. All talk for now. I told him , you know where you need to start (ie counseling). I am not holding his hand any longer.
I dont think it hurt that there has been some banter between myself and a mutual male friend of ours on FB that has made it very clear to mr hurting on what a catch I am in his eyes. I honestly have not instigated it but I swear ,the timing was priceless. Mr hurting made mention of the banter and mentioned to "tell Matt he better stay the hell away from you "(of course in his never serious,joking manner-his way of speaking the truth without seeming jealous) I simply didnt even respond.
Let him stew in this mess he has created.
So i think this has become a real reality check for mr hurting ,however, I am not convinced he will do what he needs to fix this and I wont wait forever.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 1:48 PM, April 4th (Monday)]
Mr Hurting set up counseling. He is actually going to start going to the woman I go to because he felt very comfortable with her.
He is still in big time fog I think about the situation. He still wants to keep focusing on how I have "wronged" him. He fears it wont be addressed.
He is going to get a big wake up call at counseling and again this weekend when he BF gets home and supports pretty much what the counselor is saying....you need to address your compulsion before anyone can move forward.
I am getting alot of yeah I understand what I did was horrible but.... the yeah buts I call them.
In the meantime I am staying in limbo which is fine. I am back eating, still tired all the time but for the most part in a MUCH better place with him out of the house.
No word on the job and my current supervisor said no one has contacted her yet which concerns me. So i send a follow up email to the supervisor to express my continued interest in the position.
how is everyone? been quiet here this week!
ps- I didnt get the position....another kick in the head..... I am so lost now.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:20 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)]
OK so the "yeah buts" - what exactly does he feel that you've done to "wrong" him? His brain must be twisted up like a pretzel if he's seeing himself as any kind of victim here.
Editing - SHIT! I'm so sorry about the job. What rotten timing to have to hear that news right now.
Not much to report here. We got into a bit of an argument this weekend but were able to resolve it, although it ended with me saying, "You make the simplest conversations so damn difficult! But I know you feel the exact same way about me right now." And him saying, "You drive me nuts. I love you." So that's not ideal but I guess it's better than us not speaking to each other for the rest of the night, right?
I'm still trying to drag myself out of this sickness and allergy funk that I've been in. Work has calmed down a great deal (the month of March damn near killed me) so that's good.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:35 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)]