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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, I can't begin to explain how sorry I am. This is all just to familiar for me to be coherent about it tonight. I was talking to lala the other night and out of the 3 ows
-ow1 rejected wbf's request for date (or whatever he was asking for with that)
-ow2 ons
-ow3 online twit

ow1 gets thrown in the lake first because he lied directly about it. ow3 goes in second because he lied by omission. ow2 last, I don't think she knew he was in a relationship so really the only reason she gets thrown in is because she was a drunk skank.

I hope at the very least he confesses to it. I DON'T GET HOW THEY LOGIC AROUND SAYING "HMM I'LL CONFESS TO THIS AND LIE ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE/BETTER THAN THAT" What's better? Confessing. What's better than that? NOT DOING IT? I'm so sorry hurting. But congrats on the interviews!!

PLT,
I would say that your wh is probably reading and posting and texting now because he saw you moving on. Why the hell would he want you to move on? For a while he got away with you being there and him not doing it. He continued to not get what you were asking of him, so you started to move on. Now he's in panic mode and is probably afraid to lose you


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting38 I'm just about in tears for you, I just cant believe this.


So nice to know that as long as they live by their f@#ked up code everything else is ok, Full disclosure marriage, what sort of f@#ked up thing is that? It's ok to flash your chest at someone else's husband as long as her husband knows about it? never mind the other poor sod in this, married to the guy getting the pics. Well, good to know, guess that's ok then. OMG. Also, so nice to know that she's so "loyal" to her friends, that she'd lie if asked what's going on by the BS.

I'm probably going to get banned for this, but I'm so angry.

Hurting38, don't for one minute think that these are "normal" people, who does this shit? really, I can't think of anyone I know that would indulge in this, but then, who do we really know anyway.

It's sickening to think that while you were struggling with D-Day and counseling for his ONS f@#k-up, he was flashing god knows what to this person, because I'm sure if she did it, he did too.

Have you had a look for that webcam? they can be damn small and easy to hide, but it will be there somewhere.

Oh honey, I feel your pain, I wish I could help, we all do.

By the way, that job, things sometimes come into our lives at just the right time, I believe this is one of them.

Hugs honey, lots of hugs.

(ok I'm a chicken, I changed some of the spelling )

[This message edited by hard_yards at 8:26 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hurting, I am so sorry. I hope he can at least come clean about all of it, give you the details you need.

So glad you rocked the interview, at least! Great job! What a roller coaster day...


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone,

thanks so much for the love and support and words of advice. I was just re reading my posts and cringing on how I much of a blind crazed mad woman I was acting. I was still holding on to the slightest sliver of hope. Love is blind.

hardyard thanks for being pissed off at the pathetic woman and her husband. Damn I was just so happy to have someone give me a straight answer I didnt have the desire or energy to be anything but relieved.

He came home and confessed last night. Earlier that day, i sent him the email attachment that he had given me detailing the ONS, the one I threatened to expose if he ever lied and I found out. In a moment of clarity I suspected that a big reason for the denial was likely due to the confession I had hanging over his head. I went ahead and emailed it back to him and said that he needs to give me a resolution to this.

He came home and here is the jist....
has known her via my space/fb for 2 1/2 years
they chit chatted on occasion. Shortly after the ONS , it became flirty. She sent him 2 pictures, the one I saw and a clothed but sexy one. There were two webcam interactions. He denied using one on his end. He stated he was at work both times with his laptop(he works 2nds and there is no one that works on the late part of the night). He denied having one at work and i would guess that work would not have one. Now he did buy one for xmas and was excited to have one to use to see his son in CA (and I am sure he was thinking it might come in handy down the road with this) So, I dont know, to me I dont think he would of been quite so excited about the webcam purchase if he already had one somewhere. I also remember him complaining for years how he should of gotten the webcam upgrade when he purchased this laptop.

The two webcam incidents happened oct and nov 2010 before he bought the webcam. I think I might tell him that she mentioned on her initial email how they use to webcam talk but that nothing was going on and see what he says. An inconsistency I know.

The first webcam event there was just talking and flirting. He said she talked alot about herself and how unhappy her marriage was blah blah blah( dont think he would make that up, it does not benefit him-likely the bullshit spewed by OW to gain sympathy. Oh poor me, my hubby does not think I am sexy crap...) Who knows what kind of crap is really going on between the OW and hubby...whatever.

The second time was in nov and was the screen shot. the convo got flirty again and she brought up that she was thinking about lifting up her shirt, he encouraged her to do so. She did and he took a photo.

They did not plan times to talk, it was if they both happen to be online. She was not in his contacts, I looked through all of them before I tipped him off on this and its my understanding that he would not have known when she was online unless she initiated contact since she was not on his email contacts. Again another minor inconsistency but that email to insist my H was the iniatator of the contact is NOT his MO, in my opinion. As you guys have heard, he is not the suave ladies man plus the majority of interaction was IM on email,so I think OW is blowing some smoke up her H's butt on that one. He said there was no real conversation about me or us, just about her. their encounters were about 5 times since the tone became flirty.

The email account was one he had since 2003 back when he was single before we even dated. That explains the old emails and no activity until 2010.

There are so many questions I asked and he answered I cant begin to write out here but basically he doesnt know why he did it, he said more out of boredom not with us or me though. It was available and he didnt stop it. Sound familiar? Same shit with boundaries with a forward woman and an inability to stop things. He never planned to tell me, his plan was to "wean" himself off of speaking to her but he would always get sucked back in -whatever.

I asked him about how on earth could he watch me cry my eyes out in recovery with him, he go through MC and IC during this time and continue doing this. What he described was classic compartmentalization. Once found the first pic, he tried to cover things up but did not suspect I would hack into the email account. Once I did and discovered it, he went on damage control and denied and deleted everything because he figured he was caught dead to rights and he was petrified I was going to fb the info to everyone like I said. Once it became clear that I so naively wanted to believe that somehow this was all a big mistake,and had my hand bruising melt down (including suicidal comments on my part), he was concerned for my safety so he was NOT telling me the truth that night. Then it became a matter that he was going to have to tell me but was at least going to wait until after my interview. He was also going to try and get me to commit to the no fb thing but I pulled that off the table before he needed to because I just wanted the truth.

We have done alot of talking again, he of course wants this relationship is willing to do what he needs blah blah blah.....

I dont even know what to believe on the crap he has told me about this...I have no faith in any of his information.

I literally swing from wanting him in my life to wanting to find a lawyer that works saturday and file! My best friend made me promise her NOT to make any decisions this weekend so I am sticking to it. I have not kicked him out mostly because I dont want him bouncing back and forth due to the kids. I wont put up with that environment. We have emergency counseling session together on monday to hash out some things and I want to see what comes of that first before I make any decisions. In the meantime he is being the perfect husband again.

It would be so much easier if my feelings of love was not there. And as crazy as it sounds, I know he does loves me .

I just dont think I can ever get over the lies and more importantly the fact that this went on during our recovery and counseling.

I dont know... I am exhausted and I literally go minute by minute from being sick at the thought of ending the life we built and sick of the thought of the lies and going through this again.

I dont know if I have the strength.



[This message edited by hurting38 at 5:32 PM, March 26th (Saturday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hurting, wow, what a night you've had, how are you feeling today?

I'm not going to make any comments regarding his story vs her story and what you should or shouldn't do from this point, as you need time to breath and think things through.

Just remember honey, that what happens from here on is entirely up to you, and takes the form that you want it to.

I'm sending you huge hugs from across the other side of the world and want you to know I'm thinking of you

[This message edited by hard_yards at 7:51 PM, March 26th (Saturday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting,
I'm glad your giving yourself time to process this but after I found my wbf's online stuff I think it took almost 2 weeks before I could really stick with going one way or another for a period of time. Just don't rush yourself either way

I am glad he confessed (finally). Consider revisiting the 180, not as a "get back at him" but to get yourself back on your feet

[This message edited by tsol25 at 12:58 AM, March 27th (Sunday)]


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting, I am so pissed off at him for pulling this bullshit on you after he already broke your heart with the ONS. I read your update last night from my blackberry (we were out of town) and I've been thinking about you nonstop. No advice here, just (((hugs))) and outrage for you, hon. I'm so sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6169 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone,not that I want anyone else hurting for me, but it helps to know you all are out there.

Hardyards, i want to hear your comments, thanks for thinking of me first.

I know the inconsistencies very well could be trickle truth and the fact of the matter is I will never truely know how far things went, just that lines were crossed. I would like to think that now that the threat of exposure is off the table, he is trying to rebuild w honesty. It just makes you question exactly what else he has kept from me.

I am all over the place like d day weekend again and just exhausted. I am eatng enough to keep from getting sick when I take medication to sleep and for the anxiety. I did force myself to the gym to try and clear my mind and managed to already lose 3-4lbs since tuesday.

tommorrow is counseling and will let you know how it goes but unless there s a revalation for a better alternative, he has to go.

The best I can give him is trial seperation while he works on his shit. He cant stay here. He has emotionally taken me for granted long enough, and like my best friend said to me, she can not stand to watch him widle away the core of who I am little by little. She wont let it happen. I agree. This is no longer for me to fix, its ALL on him.

I plan to pick myself up from my bootsstaps and find my balance I was starting to have back without him in my life per say. I hope we can "date" if you will and if I see/hear the right progress in counseling being made, dealing with the diffcult shit that goes along with this, then we will see. I know he does love me,and is in love with me and I dont want to loose my family (my kids are going to be devastated) but I can not continue to support him at the expense of my kid's mom.

I will let you know how counseing went. I am going to tell him he needs to make arrangements indefinately starting next weekend.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hurting38, boy I just knew I had to check one last time this morning.....

I think you are doing the right thing, the only thing, that you can under these circumstances.

There are several things in his story that feel like nails down a chalk board to me.

The fact that he could do this while you were both trying to deal with his ONS, just defies understanding, it could almost seem that he was bent on a path of destruction, I just can't understand it.

And lies, god help me, lies... and secrecy, and the risk... I think anyone that would risk further harm like this must live by different rules, I just don't know.

As for loose/forward women, well, they're everywhere, as are similarly minded men, it's BS that he was unable to stop this, he chose not to. A totally different animal altogether.

Boredom.... that's a sh!ty thing to say, not a reason, not an excuse. Obviously he wasn't knocking himself out for the betterment of the family as much as he thought he was.

I just can't fathom how he could think this was an Ok thing to do at any stage, but especially when you were dealing with the devastation of his ONS, there was always a risk you'd find out, what did he think would happen?

Stand strong honey, you're doing the right thing, he has to take a damn hard, long look at himself, and he needs to do it without the comforts of home. Similarly, you need some space to be able to work out if you want to risk R again.

I feel sick about this whole thing, I can't believe he would risk everything again for so little reward.

Hugs honey, huge hugs, love those kiddos.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sick about this whole thing, I can't believe he would risk everything again for so little reward.

This exactly.

And to risk not only upheaving your marriage, but the lives of your kids as well . . . because he was BORED?


I hope counseling goes ok. I hope your counselor chews him up one side and down the other.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6169 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks guys. you made me smile. The bored comment made me want to punch him. I know he wasnt saying it to be cruel. I think it is his way to articulate that it was exciting for him. you get sucked into the attention ,you know how it goes.....

alot of this is also biding some time to get my ducks in a row too,although you guys are very well aware of my situation. He is flabergasted that I dont plan to sell the house. I think his thought was that he will help with the bills until the house is sold and I find somewhere else. Great plan except for the fact that due to the debt that WE accumulated but in my name BEFORE we were married, I am in the process of bankruptcy filing so if I get rid of the home that is also in my name and bought before we married, I will not be able to get another one for a long while. WILL NOT move these kids, even if it means two jobs to do so. He may very well say I am not moving out and trying to R so I am prepared to tell him that its over for me. I have my scheduled day off on thursday and will make an appt with a lawyer and file if he is not willing to go.

In some ways, this is an easier decision but when I start to think about the history and the good stuff and the bright future we had and all the struggles we have been through....that is what guts me and makes me reconsider. I know its not a 20+ year relationship but it has been the most I have even given so completely in and chose to trust in despite the risks.

one day at a time


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, I don't know what to say except again I am so sorry. I think you are doing the right thing forcing him out for awhile, let him know you will stand for your boundaries. He needs to figure his shit out.

Good luck at counseling, I too hope he gets reamed!!!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that he could do this while you were both trying to deal with his ONS, just defies understanding, it could almost seem that he was bent on a path of destruction, I just can't understand it.

So right on imo....

As for loose/forward women, well, they're everywhere, as are similarly minded men, it's BS that he was unable to stop this, he chose not to. A totally different animal altogether.

yep I pointed this out to him too....again he needs counseling, I am not his god damn counselor!!!!

I feel sick about this whole thing, I can't believe he would risk everything again for so little reward
.


My thoughts exactly....

thanks for the support , i will blog later this pm after our 1pm counseling. UGH!!! I have to come back to work afterwards....i cant afford to ask for time off when my potential future boss is going to be calling my current boss and time off has been an issue in the past.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hurting))
I hope counselling goes well


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am a BS of a wandering, philandering traveling salesman husband. Lots of bars, lots of conferences, dinners, you know the story.

I am now up to OW #6.

I found out about OW #6, met her at a bar, the host hotel bar for the conference.

Easy enough to go out to his car, smoke some weed, make out, grope, get all worked up to make it up to one of their rooms.

Where do these women come from? I am not justifying in any way my WH choice to pick up one of these bar flys.

OW#6 asked WH for money. $400 for her services. I saw her, she looked like a normal working pfofessional to me.

My take away message, there are whores and women sex ready for WH at any time he may so want to have it. Hanging out in most every bar, someone to screw or give a suck.

S


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bored comment made me want to punch him.

I had to smile when I read this... I had actually typed

"the 'bored' comment makes me feel like punching him for you..."

then I thought, ohhhh backspace, backspace, backspace...

Let us know how you get on today, and good luck with anything to do with the new job, like I said before, sometimes things come along at just the right time.

My take away message, there are whores and women sex ready for WH at any time he may so want to have it. Hanging out in most every bar, someone to screw or give a suck.

rugsatwork, that's so true, and the very reason many of us are posting on this thread, you have to wonder where people's minds are at, really...

If you play with fire there's every chance you'll get burnt.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I had to smile when I read this... I had actually typed

'the 'bored' comment makes me feel like punching him for you...'

then I thought, ohhhh backspace, backspace, backspace..."

Me too. You can tell him, there are women all over the world who don't know him but are ready to punch him in the face for what he's done


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I actually had almost typed that I wanted to SLAP him, but I'm sure I could work myself up to a punch pretty easily.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6169 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too. You can tell him, there are women all over the world who don't know him but are ready to punch him in the face for what he's done

i just laughed out loud at this. thanks for making my day.

its even worse , the final truth I think!!!! when questioned in front of the therapist..cybersex with her the last weekend in jan when I went to see my bf in Milwaukee. After I was recovering from my hysterectomy so no sex but we were doing "other things" for each other.

UGH!!!!

Counseling went as well as expected, she agreed temp seperation to figure out what we both want. we are both exhausted and the two of us go back and forth on what each of us want.

I think as soon as we see each other, we want to stay together. Its weird and hard to explain. You would think between the anguish he has caused me and the resentment he has with me on those control issues I mentioned before (i think, i cant recall)plus the drama of the false R, how could we even want to try. But I cant explain it,and I am not trying to romanticize us or put it on a pedastal. Its so confusing.

When it was over with my the father of my children, it was over, I never looked back and he has never done NEAR the crap Mr Hurting has done.

someone slap me into reality here....I am sinking.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I am sooo terribly sorry. Add me to the list of women around the world!! Only as I offered tsol, y'all can punch, Jana can slap and I can shove my cowboy boot so far up his ass it'll come out of his mouth So we pretty much got all the major punishment places covered!

You are definitely in our thoughts and prayers. If you ever need a safe house in Texas, we can change your name to Luann or Peggy or Sally or some funky old southern name and pretend you're my older sister. Or super cool aunt. None of us will give away your whereabouts if you choose to ahem... take matters into your own hands if that's the case, practice saying y'all with your best southern drawl


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
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