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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TSOL - just wanted to say I'll be thinking about you today and hoping your first MC appointment goes well. Don't be nervous about it! It's supposed to be a good thing!

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 9:10 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 9:10 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today tsol! Please let us know how everything goes!



We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6144 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol-good luck, usually the first session isnt too bad. A good therapist usually knows not to push too hard to scare one of the partners away.

cs- sorry about your grandfather. I am thinking about you.

As far as not talking about myself, you came in during one of my extended lulls,lol. Since things have been relatively stable, my issues have been minor. I cant say I mind!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I know its a good thing I'm just nervous in an excited way. I really do think it will help, talking to casper (ie wbf hiding under a blanket so he literally doesn't have to face it) has gotten pretty old. Ill be back with an update tonight


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

talking to casper (ie wbf hiding under a blanket so he literally doesn't have to face it) has gotten pretty old.

OMG tsol, I'm sorry but I had to laugh. That is too damn funny. He puts a blanket on his head? Oh dear. Tell him he's not allowed to bring it to MC!!!!

I'm sorry I'm not very responsive right now, guys. My head is in a million different places. I'm trying to 180 myself back to sanity. We'll see if it works.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6144 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JanaGreenThe comment he made about me cheating came after a conversation we had about his ONS. I told him that I look at him and feel disgust for what he did to us, what kind of man gives the woman he loves an STD. Then I mentioned to him that he feels bad now that he got caught but I am sure when he was doing it he felt fine.

Since he mentioned if I had an affair we would be done makes me understand that if I did it first he would have left me.

I push myself everyday to feel better and it is exhausting because it does not work.

I feel like setting him free so he can go have all the ONS he wants, I am running out of gas for R. Partly becuase he says he can't remember anything about her and partly becuase I think he is still lying about everything.

I just told him that we built this life together and worked hard to do better and he ruined it, my love for him and our happy family is no more. this will always be a weight on our relationship and he said only if I let it and then he said that any little thing he does it will always relate to what he did.

I said so why don't we call it quits and he said becuase he does not want to live his life without me, I said you already are, I will never be the same and will never forget this.

sad, sad, everything about this is just too sad. it feels over one day and good the next, that is why I am running out of gas, some people are just too hard to love.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,
He L I T E R A L L Y puts a blanket over his head. Or he hides in my chest (if were lying down, he'll disguise it as a snuggle, but I pull back and say "no, were talking right now") In your post in R, the part about the dynamic of the relationship, one having grown up and one not so much, fit us to a T. Now that he's died his hair black, he really can pull of casper because he looks so pastey

Don't worry about being responsive, we've all take our turns.

WTBL,

it feels over one day and good the next, that is why I am running out of gas
This is why the roller coaster sucks! Because you think things are going well and then bam, it all falls apart. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. When I read your post it seems that you are only considering D for him.
-
I feel like setting him free so he can go have all the ONS he wants

-
he said becuase he does not want to live his life without me

Now I know you probably don't want to D, you probably don't want to think about it and I'm in no way telling you that D is the right answer or pushing you in that way. But what about you? Rather than thinking he's getting freed to do whatever he wants, you would also be free from him gaslighting and lying to you. HE doesn't want to live life without you? But you feel like he already is, so is he cake-eating? (For some reason I've always hated that term, not just because of it's meaning but the word for word of it, it irks me). Is the way you are living with him now acceptable to you? Do you see it changing? I feel like I'm being harsh, I don't like it. I'm not expecting that you have to answer these questions but if any of them mean something to you keep them in the back of your mind and consider them as you go through this. Also what I'm really trying to get at, is that this ISN'T ABOUT HIM! It's about YOU! It took me 5 months to stop sugar-coating and wondering, "oh but how would wbf feel if I said this, told him I felt this". I'm still not very good at it, it takes a lot of effort on my part but I'm doing better at it. It's weird to be "selfish" and think me, me, me, but that's really what needs to be done in this situation. Why? Because your wh is saying "me me me me", and if you are saying "wh wh wh wh" then what about wtbl? Who is looking out for you? Someone has to, and if the only person whose actions you can control are yours, than it is you who has to take care of you.

MC went well. I think the thing that worried me most was that wbf wouldn't be able to connect with the mc, but I do think he did. Our mc is VERY different from my ic but I think that's ok. I really liked hearing wbf say things relevant to the ons. When we were talking he kept saying "until 6 months ago when the 'big bump' happened" but he would never say what it was. MC was good at pushing wbf, in a way that didn't freak him out to much to say what it was. (I sure as hell wasn't saying it for him). We talked a lot about communication and we have individual sessions in 2 weeks, I'm happy with how things went.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TSOL - I'm so glad MC went well and so glad that the counselor worked out well!!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtbl,

ditto what TSOL said. couldnt of said it better myself. ((WTBL))


TSOL- GOOD DEAL! A good therapist does wonders! Glad she/he made WBF comfortable but pushed him enough.

Jana -been thinkiing about you all day....any updates? how you doing?


Well I had a meltdown last night...sigh :( My streak is broken. I managed over 2 weeks of no full out meltdowns.

Was feeling moody last night and fighting the need to "go there". Major financial stuff going on that is causing stress in my life. I definately trigger more when I am stressed. My ability to handle multiple areas of stress is gone since d day. I wonder if it will ever come back to pre d day levels?

Anyway, I was struggling as it is and as I was picking up some opened mail, I noticed a health summary from Humana for my WH. They send them out periodically summerizes the amount of medical benefits you used during that time period. The time period on this ran from March 10 to Jan 11. It showed my WH gall bladder surgery, post op stuff in March and then jumps down to july 10,2010, prompt care visit, shows the abbrevations for the STD testing he had done. GONH, Chlymedia(sp?) ,HIV listed on this paper. UGH!!!!!!!

So I grabbed a marker and wrote next to the surgery visits---married my hubby so he could have insurance and nursed him back to health.(true but already engaged,just moved up wedding) Next to the july visit, I wrote.... and this is the thanks I get!

At the bottom of the page I wrote in bold letters, Boy I was one lucky newlywed!

I left it on the front of the fridge for him to find when he got home last night. Then I took my xanax and went to bed...another sigh!

Today I am feeling ok but noticed the past 24 hours I have had little snipits of "mind movie scenes" not exactly the whole movie popping in my head. I am convinced this is stress related .

I was up before my WH got up but I came home with a coffee for him as a bit of a peace offering (even though I know he should take it, he caused this..it was a bit hurtful). He came up and said he was sorry and asked if I was better today and gave me a big hug. I let him know about the mind movies lately and asked him to try to be a little more supportive these next few days.

That was that. Otherwise, I guess it could been worse. I just hate those crying meltdowns when I just want to call him and say I cant do this! I cant stay knowing you cheated! I can't stay knowing you carelessly gave away something that only belonged to us! I can't stay feeling like I was not worth you being faithful!

But I never called and said those things because the one thing I have come to anticipate is that this passes. I also know how remorseful he really is and that he loves me and never meant to hurt me. I just hate that I can't think that at the time!

Anyway, doing better today but thought I would share so you all didnt think I was a cyborg or something LOL.

CS - how you doing these days? Same?

[This message edited by hurting38 at 7:45 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting38

I haven't been around for a while, WS has been back on leave, just caught up and saw this...

I know its crazy but part of me wants him to try and figure out where the bar was that he met her (he is really not too sure but could probably retrace his steps somehow) and figure out the hotel he went to (hers). Part of me wants to do it but part of me thinks it is going to serve no purpose

BTDT... and it was a very very bad idea. I've sent you a PM



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTBL Ė your husband said he canít remember Ė was he drunk at the time of the ONS? Remind me, how long ago was the ONS? Iím asking because I have learned through MC that sometimes these memories really do fade. Iíve nagged my husband for the last 5 months about the details of his conversation with the OW (I know the physical parts, but I want to know what led up to that). He can recall bits and pieces of the conversation, but not all of the details. This drives me absolutely crazy. However, I do understand that he really just doesnít remember. It took him 10 months before he confessed to me; and during those 10 months he desperately tried to forget about that day. And even if he hadnít tried so hard to forget, 10 months is a long time to try to remember everything that was said. And if he did, I probably would have taken that to mean that he thought about it a whole lot; but because he didnít think about it, he truly doesnít remember. Also, on another thread, someone told me that she was glad her husband didnít remember a lot of the details because if he did, then she would take that to mean that there was a deeper connection than there actually was. So, because it really wasnít important to them, it is possible that they really donít remember all of the details. I know that is difficult to grasp; and I wonder how something that is so unimportant can be worth risking everything; but itís all Iíve got.

Hurting Ė Iím so sorry youíve had a rough couple of days. Iím sure that health summary must have been quite a trigger. The fact that you were stressed already certainly didnít help. Next time you see something like that, how about you jump in your hot tub before acting out?!!!!

Iím glad that you confided in your husband and told him how you were feeling. Iíve realized over the past few days that it helps tremendously to do this. Over the past month or so though, Iíve done the exact opposite Ė Iíve pushed my husband away and treated him horribly. The problem with that is it never made me feel better about anything. The last few days though, Iíve told my husband how Iíve been feeling and when I need extra support, I tell him. He, of course, gives it to me and helps me get through the days. Itís so much easier this way. And Iím sure it will do the same for you over the next few days; until this, too, passes. Iím positive that the stress you are under is related to the mind movies. Our brains work in mysterious ways! If it continues to happen, remind yourself that your husband loves YOU and right NOW, heís with YOU.

I just hate those crying meltdowns when I just want to call him and say I cant do this! I cant stay knowing you cheated! I can't stay knowing you carelessly gave away something that only belonged to us! I can't stay feeling like I was not worth you being faithful!

Iím sorry you had one of these moments. They are the worst. But you followed it up with:

I also know how remorseful he really is and that he loves me and never meant to hurt me.

Keep telling yourself this. Keep reminding yourself of the progress youíve made. And when all else fails, call your husband and tell him you need to hear something good. By the way you speak of him, Iím sure he would gladly give it to you!

I've been a little more sad than angry lately. I was finally starting to feel better (and actually made it through 2 days without crying), and then I learned of my Grandfather's death. So the crying is back; but instead of fighting my husband, I've been reaching out to him. He's been very supportive. He's been giving me lots of attention, reassurance, affirmation, and lots of hugs! He's also come home for lunch every day this week to check on me. And he skipped his basketball game last night and his softball game on Wednesday night. I usually wouldn't ask him to miss his games, in fact, I usually go with him and watch, but I didn't feel up to going and I wanted him to be with me. Our daughter has plans for most of the weekend, so we'll have some good quality time together this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm not in the mood to do anything; but we'll be together!

I spoke to my Grandmother a few days ago and she asked that I go stay with her in a few weeks instead of attending the services for my Grandfather. That way, she'll have someone with her for the new few weeks. So I bought my ticket and leave on the 21st. I think it will really do me some good to get away for a little while.

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 7:00 AM, March 4th (Friday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hard yards,

thanks for the PM. Very helpful I responded back. I also am putting some of my PM back to you on here to vent some more!

CS,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am so glad to see you are turning inward to your H. It really does make a diff as long as he is in a good place too.

UGH!! Another shitty night and a.m. I am sure the stress from the past 24-48 hours have played into this but this particular incident is not ONS related, jsut communication issues.

We have worked on improving it(communication was never bad, its just that WH never spoke up like he should and I can be a bit of a bulldozer ) One of the things my WH has spoken up about was my need to control things. I take something and run with it. Partially because he is so limited on time, I just take care of things myself and the other part is honestly, I have always felt like if its not important to him at the moment, its not important period so he does not attend to it.

In some ways he is unselfish,(working so hard to better himself for our family financially while helping support us right now), and other ways he selfish (prioritizing his needs over ours). Its confusing. If he was all one or the other, it would be easy to know what to do.

So, he has asked me not to take over so much on things that concern us both yet the shit doesnt get done or he puts it off and things get missed!

Case in point, we like to go see a Cubs/Cardinals baseball game every year. Tickets are difficult to get . We are also trying to get a set of 4 for our friend and his GF can come with us. Tickets for these games sell out within a couple of hours. We talked about going a couple weeks back and since I am usually not busy at work, I figured I would get online and take care of it. I was going to coordinate with his friend so we were both online and trying to get them. My WH asked me to back off and that when he gets notice for these tix(thru email by cardinals website), if he is available ,he will do it with his friend otherwise , if he is not available, I can. No problem, I said.

Well, waiting waiting, I heard nothing about it. I know they go on sale soon based on experience. So last night I asked him about it, he has not "had time" to check on when they go on sale. It takes me 30 seconds to go online and see they are on sale Friday a.m.! So i text him the info and try to find out if he wants to take care of it or I? He gets huffy with me for bothering him about it and says well you just take care of it. Well now I need some info from him and since we dont have the luxury of time together due to diff schedules, I kinda need the info asap now that he waited till last minute! Meanwhile, he is scrambling to finish an assignment due for Friday a.m..

I get its just tickets, but it is the principle here. He asks me to lay off, I do. We almost missed the sale because he did shit about it, when I try to take care of it, he gets mad! So i told him f--- it. I cant win for losing!

IMO, it looks like if its not a priority to him, its not a priority period. Yet, when I try to take the burden off of him because of his schedule, I am being pushy and bossy!!!!!!!!!

The last text he sent last night was " I am exhausted, do whatever the hell you want."
I sent him a text back telling him, this isnt working, I think we need to go back into counseling.

Radio silence since this a.m. At 10am (ironically when the tickets go on sale), I get an email stating I love you. I have not responded.

Its not a deal breaker, this crap but right now I am exhausted from a shitty couple nights sleep and just dont care anymore!!!!!!

Sorry, not in a great place right now, not horrible but not great.

I think both of our nerves are fried and this damn ONS seems to just make issues so much worse. Kinda like a sore that is already rubbed raw so anything else that comes in contact with it, hurts that much more!

In addition, this a.m. my 9 year old was complaining about his right side hurting real bad. He is not a complainer so it alarmed me when it started last night and he said it hurt worse this a.m. I think he probably pulled a muscle as he was out yesterday after school jumping on our trampoline. He is not running a fever and ate just fine this morning. He insisted on going to school (that is him). He promised to have them call if it gets worse, I wanted to take him to promptcare this a.m. but he talked me out of it. :)

So I am a little worried about him as well! i am sure its nothing but when you are looking at the lower right side of your abdomen, you run the risk of appendix and the like! It would be par for the course as it seems everything else has hit us in this shitstorm the past few years!


[This message edited by hurting38 at 11:43 AM, March 4th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting Ė Iím sorry youíre having such a rough time. I tend to take charge of things as well. In fact, this morning, I sent my husband an email just kind of letting him know where I am right now and what I need from him (our counselor says I have to be very specific with what I want/need from him Ė he canít read my mind). Anyhow, I told him:

I don't have the energy to be strong on my own right now. So I guess I kind of need you to take charge. I know you've never been the "take charge" kind of person, but right now that is what I really need from you.

My point is this Ė I told my husband what I needed from him. And in your case, it was your husbandís request that you allow him to take over some things. Did the two of you ever sit down and really establish what he meant by this? And why is it important to him that you donít take over everything? If heíd like to be a part of making plans, etc., then he obviously has to do his part (which he failed to do in this situation; even after you reminded him). Whatís even worse is that he knew you were having a difficult time with the ONS recently. At the same time though, it does sound like you both are under a great deal of stress; which has obviously just aggravated the situation.

How long did the two of you attend MC? Do you think it would help to return for the communication issues? I recall you once referred to his ďengineer brainĒ. Is it common for him to put things off until the last minute? Does he tend to have a worry-free attitude most times; just knowing that things will work out and be okay? Do you think that perhaps he just didnít worry that the tickets would sell out so he figured heíd get to it in his time?

I know this is all stress related for you. And Iím sure if the ONS would not have occurred, you be handling yourself much better. Hang in there though, better days will come!

Iím sorry about your son. Let us know how heís doing later!

So, Mr. Smith and I have a date planned for tonight. I am picking my daughter up from school in a few, and dropping her off at a friends house. By the time I get home, heíll be home from work. Weíre then going to go to the beach for a walk. Then weíre going to come home and have dinner. Then, the big plan is have a little competition on the wii fit and rock band. Yes, we are HUGE dorks!! But, I donít feel like going out much anymore; hopefully that will change one day. And once I whoop his butt in the hoola-hoop game, maybe weíll snuggle a little!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And in your case, it was your husbandís request that you allow him to take over some things. Did the two of you ever sit down and really establish what he meant by this? And why is it important to him that you donít take over everything? If heíd like to be a part of making plans, etc., then he obviously has to do his part (which he failed to do in this situation; even after you reminded him)

We did have the conversation at the time and talked about taking care of things on his time which may not be on my time. I get this and I get that we work at diff speeds but it seems like his speed ends up with a "oops" as a result way too often. So many times, the oops usually impacts me negatively, so its not like I can shrug it out and so okay whatever.

Again, its just tickets I know, its not a big deal. I do think that while he would like to go, what is going on with school or work at the moment is more of a priority to him so he puts it on a back burner. Then just say hon, I dont have time, can you handle it instead of doing nothing with it!

I think he looks at it as something I want to control him with somehow versus we are in this life together ,lets help each other out. Some of this stems back to the time when i was the primary breadwinner in the family ,we were not married and the house was mine( he moved into it with me and the kids). Although I tried to accomodate, he always came across as so laid back about any decisions when I asked him, he would always make it seem like he didn't care about the outcome. I would then do my thing. Come to realize he felt that he had no "right" to put his two cents in, because nothing was his and he was not significantly contributing. Of course i NEVER felt that way ,to me it didnt matter.

We have talked about this and I am trying to work at this. I really was happy that he requested he take care of it and the fact that I laid off thinking he would handle it. I wanted him to see I was trying. It apparantly got me nowhere.

Sorry, I dont mean to rant,lol. In the big picture this is hardly a crisis .

We did a handful of sessions in MC. We did a really good job of communicating about the ONS that all of us felt it was ok to stop . This whole not trying to control everything,along with demanding more of his time were the two main issues other than the ONS that was addressed. To be honest, we probably did not delve into the other two as much since the ONS was such the pressing issue.

Sigh....I dont like feeling like I am running around in circles chasing my tail and that is what this feels like.

I think I need to get a good night's sleep and a couple glasses of good vino tonight and then talk to him tommorrow and go from there. If he cant see where I am coming from on this, then yes I think MC will be in order.

I have to say one last thing I think is really interesting....( i may be reading into this) I have not heard word one from FWH since 10am's I love you message. 6 hours ago. I didnt come home for lunch like normal because I didnt want to deal with him right now. No call, no more text, not even an email. Granted I never responded but considering the no contact that occurred the night of the ONS, one would think he would know better. Not going to dwell on it right now....

CS-have an awesome date night!!!!

ladies---have a good weekend.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:34 PM, March 4th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, how's your son? How are things with your H - in the last post you mentioned you hadn't talked in a bit? FWIW I think he responded well to the Humana thing - sounds like he was sympathetic to your feelings and didn't get defensive, points for Mr. H38! And I sympathize about the ticket thing. I find it so stressy to sit back and let someone else take care of something when I can just FEEL the time ticking away!

Candy, how did the date go? I think Wii Fit and Rock Band sounds like a FABULOUS date! I've only played Rock Band once but I LOVED it, absolutely loved it! Dorky is good IMO!

tsol, so glad to hear the counseling went well! And he left his blanket at home - good WBF!!!

hard_yards, if you're around - how are you?

WTBL - I think tsol hit the nail on the head with her response to you. ((wtbl)) Also, take what he said about leaving if you'd had an affair with a grain of salt. I believe most of the BSes on here said the same thing pre-D-Day - I know I did. The truth is you just never know what you'd do until you're in that position.

We're doing better. We got into it again on Thursday night - I thought he was being cold and distant, he thought I was being hateful and sarcastic. I ended up breaking down and doing the ugly cry for quite some time. He eventually came to me (I was upstairs working) and told me that he was sorry I was having a hard time and sorry that he screwed up on his trip. God, just for him to acknowledge that I have a right to be in pain, that's all I really needed, you know? We've had a better few days since then. Baby is sleeping pretty crappily (that is not a word, LOL) but we're otherwise good. I got my haircut today, chopped almost to my chin with layers, and I've suddenly decided that I want to learn how to make jewelry, so I have this lovely, expensive and distracting new hobby. I made a necklace and bracelet tonight that I totally would buy if I saw them in a store. Sweetness.

I have been PMing with poopylala and something she said triggered me to remember something our MC told me long ago (we had been to see her prior to this issue, as we were having trouble communicating). She basically said that when H feels criticized, he sort of shuts down and goes in defense mode. It's like he goes into this bubble and just starts throwing out anything he can think of to defuse the argument. She told me that I might as well not even listen to anything he says at that point because he's just trying to stop the conflict. He hears any criticism from me as a total condemnation of himself as a husband and a person. So no wonder he has been such an ass lately. I say, you lied and upset me this weekend, he hears, you're an utter failure as a human being. Gah. Of course I don't think that.

So here we are. Should be good until the next trigger hits.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6144 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,
I'm happy to hear that talking to your wh is helping you move forward. I'm sorry you've been more upset lately, but I'm sure, like hurting, stress has a lot to do with that. I hope your date went well. And don't worry, I'm sure wbf and I could out-dork you

hurting,
I would react the exact same way with the tickets. So in a way, I'm happy I do most of the planning. But then I want him to do more and when he does it ends in an "oops". How did the talk go? I hope you got your sleep. Oh and btw, radio silence is the WORST and is such an issue for us.

jana,
I'm glad things are going better with wh I hope that continues. It's crazy, that the smallest thing "I'm sorry for_____" can make a world of difference and yet they just don't get it. Right away anyways.

Your hobby sounds like fun! Pictures?

I say, you lied and upset me this weekend, he hears, you're an utter failure as a human being.

This is my wbf too. If I say "I'm upset because you betrayed me" he hears "I hate you because you're a horrible person" So he hides under a blanket. I think a lot of our issue comes from the fact that we're both "the listener" or, we both play defense. So our arguments are essentially none existent because we sit in a room listening. An exaggeration, but that's how we've always been. He doesn't listen well though when something he did is the problem.

Yes he did leave the blanket at home for mc. Although he does have one in the car, apparently for emergencies, but I'm not sure if that's "ah my car is broken and every mechanic in the world is on strike and tsol's phone is dead -yea right- so I must live in my car for the next week" or "ahh tsol is upset"

He's been doing well with most aspects but I'm not recognizing it well lately. I've never been one to remember my dreams, before dday I can remember like a dozen from well... ever. Then there was the ons-nightmares. They stopped and recently I've just been having completely off-topic, no distinguishable theme or pattern nightmares. And I've been waking up through the night. I think that has more to do with how I'm feeling than what wbf is or isn't doing. But it's making me cranky about everything he does some days.

Wtbl,
I've wondered 1000 times whether or not wbf would R if he was bbf but Jana is right, there's no point in listening to the answer because I would have said it's a deal breaker, but here I am.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

My son seems to be ok. It appears to be muscular. It started bothering him again on sunday and missed baseball practice because of it. Interestingly, he was on the trampoline again so i am suspecting that he is twisting and turning and re injuring a muscle or something. Today he seemed fine. If it happens again, I think I will take him in.

The weekend was ok. I did a nice job of avoiding him friday night into 1/2 of saturday. We had his nephew's birthday party on saturday afternoon so I threw him a bone and talked to him. He came up and gave me a big hug and said he was glad I was talking to him again. We talked quietly on the way to the party and he understood more than I realized. He was not completely clueless. :) I pointed out that while he is asking me to make some changes in my behavior with control, he also needs to STOP seeing EVERY attempt to take care of something as a need to control him! We are suppose to be in this together and I am not the enemy. I think he saw my dilemma when I said I can't win for losing. He acknowledged that he should of let me handle it and that he needs to not jump to conclusions that its about control. We both did agree that things should get much better once he is done with school and is able to take over more things. I guess that will be the true test.

So the rest of the weekend was good. Still struggling with a bit of meloncholy that has come over me. I hope I can shake it soon. It seems to be the after effect of triggers. Things take awhile to stablize back to my level headed self.

Jana- need pictures of jewelry and the hair!

Its funny you guys say that about your WH/BF and how they see criticism. My WH made a comment just last night that I had to correct about always screwing things up. I guess it should come as no surprise. IMO, I don't think there is a WS/SO out there that does not interalize negative stuff which hits their self esteem. I think every single one of them almost HAVE to suffer from low opinions of themselves to get to a point to do what they did. Even the narcasitic ones.

After the fact, they seem to have a hard time seperating their behavior from who they are. I think everyone does that to an extent . I do believe that its a very strong indicator of self esteem issues made worse by the fact that they have to sit and watch the damage they have done to us.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:34 AM, March 7th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting,
I'm glad to hear about your son, kids can get pretty crazy on trampolines so if you think that might be the problem, tell him to try and slow down on it

I'm glad you talked about things and I'm sure things will be easier once your lives are less crazy and can settle in a more stable schedule.

I definitely agree that low self esteem is a huge factor in what got the WSs to the point in having an A, but here's where I have an issue. Wbf has always been one to try to fit in. He likes to be liked by a crowd of anyone. Its the sort or external validation that is now causing problems online, and caused problems before in 2008 when he asked someone else out (nothing happened but I believe that's Only because SHE said no and I guarentee she didn't say no because of the fact that he was in a relationship. This girl and I did NOT get along me-because I knew wbf had a crush on her that he wouldn't admit to. Her-she told wbf I wasn't good enough or right for him. Ok I've gone off course here. I didn't recognize that self esteem was really an issue for him until after dday. He hid it pretty well but there were signs I could have picked up on if I thought it was an issue. Now post dday though, and excluding the first period after it, he seems to have a lot more confidence. I don't really know what to make of it. The thought I try to avoid is that the ons and the interest ow had in him gave him more confidence because he felt wanted or accepted by the "crowd" (ow and her friend). It could be that he's still faking it and I sort of hope that's the case (I would hate for it to be the other option). To add some "evidence" to option 2, he's done a lot of physical changes (I'm sure I've whined about them before) that maybe make him feel more comfortable. Or maybe its evidence to option #1, and also applies to the online girl he talks to (however hasn't texted in weeks, I don't believe there is Nc, maybe just less c) as well. She seems to love all of the "new wbf" so maybe that's helping to inspire the confidence. Sorry for the jibberish, I'm really at a loss on this (and I'm on my blackberry). But I just hate thinking that an A somehow gave him MORE confidence.
Thoughts anyone? Should I hire myself a translator and come back later?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone!! It sounds as if everyone had a fairly decent weekend. So glad to hear it!

JG Ė jewelry making; that sounds fun! Thatís interesting what you mentioned about your husband and how he takes criticism. I think my husband is the same way. In fact, when I want to talk about ďthat dayĒ, heíll respond and say ďWow, you really think Iím an awful person, donít you?Ē That couldnít be more far from the truth. I think heís a wonderful man; I just think what he DID was awful. Hopefully in your recognizing that about your husband, you can learn more effective ways to communicate with him (he, of course, needs to do his part as well!).

Hurting Ė glad youíre in somewhat of a better place. I know it was ďjust ticketsĒ, but itís kind of principle. I would have been just as frustrated as you. Iím glad your husband is starting to see your point of view though. How does the famous saying go: ďIt takes timeĒ. Haha!

TSOL Ė so I guess we have to have a whoís ďdorkierĒ competition!!

Speaking of self-esteem, it is definitely an issue; and I believe itís an issue for all WSís. With my husband, I had no idea that he had low self-esteem. Throughout our whole marriage I thought he was a very confident man. Yet through our counseling, weíve learned that he wasnít. Instead, he was able to live through my confidence in him. In doing this, he was even able to mask his self-esteem issues within himself. He didnít know either. But because I had so much faith in him, and because I believed in him, he managed to get by. That is, of course, until he hit rock bottom after his son left. At that point, he didnít feel worthy. He didnít believe he was a good father or a good husband. He put me so high up on a pedestal that be began to feel unworthy of my love. In his eyes, I could do no wrong; yet he was a worthless piece of garbage that didnít deserve me. Even now, itís very difficult for him to tell me that I am wrong. I have to remind him every day that I am not perfect and that he has to think for himself. So today, I read an interesting post from the wayward forum (something about the model wayward). After I read it, I decided to send it to my husband because I thought there were points that would be useful for him. His response was this:

Very interesting. First, I know that I am not the model anything; but I will always give everything 100% effort. I will always share everything with you and try to reassure you as much as I can that on that day I made a terrible error. I made a mistake which has cost us dearly and for that I am sorry. This event has forever changed my mind. I have never experienced so many emotions before. Regret, remorse, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, fear. I never wanted any of this and I certainly never wanted this for you. I regret that day and everything that has transpired since. I regret what this has done to both of us, and again, I am sorry. The magnitude of the fallout from this has been gigantic. The scars are deep for both of us but we will heal. I am sorry. The amount of sleep you have lost as a result of this, I am sorry. The constant worry and emotional episodes, I am sorry. I recognize all of this and I regret that you have had to experience all of this. I love you and I am sorry. I will continue to try and be open and honest with you now and in the future; to share my feelings and thoughts with you forever. I will also do my best to help you through this; and when you need to talk, I am here. I recognize that you need this and I will try to do better.

I guess I see this and realize that I am still in the healing process myself. I will continue to work on me as we walk through this journey together; side by side. I think as long as we are an arms distant away, we will never lose each other again. We can always reach out our hand and be gently pulled back by the other if we start to drift. My hand will always be out to pull you back and I will be there to catch you if you fall.

I know that I define me. So thanks for sending this to me, I love you so much and I always will.

His response really helped me. I had a trigger on Saturday, and we kind of had it out after that. The problem is that when I want to talk about things, he will try; but he ends up getting frustrated with me. What he did on that day was so traumatic for him, that he hates to think about and he hates to talk about it. I can certainly understand that; and I sympathize with him. However, he made the decision to be unfaithful. And as much as he hates it, I guarantee that I hate it more. And if my healing means that he has to talk about it with me, then thatís what he has to do. My point in sending him the post that I read was to show him that I believed he wasnít really dealing with things. Simply forgetting that it happened isnít correcting any issues. This is what we argued about on Saturday. I also told him that I need to hear that he is sorry. I know that he doesnít want to spend the rest of his life apologizing, and I donít want that either. But right now, until I get through the rough spots, I need to hear that he is sorry. I need to hear that he hates that it happened. At the same time, I need him to be more specific with WHY he is sorry. Simply saying ďIím sorryĒ just isnít enough for me. So, in his response to me, he did give me some reasons; which was nice for a change. I guess itís a start!! Weíve since agreed to save all ONS issues for MC. So, if I come up with something that I think I want to talk about, Iíll save it for then. That way, he isnít anxious all the time wondering when weíll talk about it; and Iíll know that my concerns will eventually be addressed. I did tell him though, that if he is a little more consistent with reassuring me, and apologizing to me more and reminding me that he hated it too, then maybe I wonít have as many questions. And maybe I wonít feel the need to talk about it.

Maybe a little TMI Ė but he did come home for lunch today (he knows that Mondayís are rough for me). And before he left we had a little noontime quickie! I canít wait until we are back to ďnormalĒ. I really miss how playful and silly we were together: sexual innuendos, sexy comments, playful touching; just things that Iím not quite ready for yet. But hopefully weíll get it all back one day. Hopefully! Iím a little more optimistic right now. When he gets home from work, we plan to take a bike ride by the beach (our daughter has plans after school today). After we get back, since it is just the two of us for dinner, he is going to make pancakes and eggs (he LOVES breakfast for dinner; and he does make the best pancakes). So, tonight should be a nice evening. I even thought about asking him to hoola-hoop on the wii fit for me because it has got to be the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 1:09 PM, March 7th (Monday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

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