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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SH Ė I have to agree with TSOL. Your H should quit drinking for himself; not for anyone else. Any efforts that he makes to change for someone else will not be successful. He has to change because he wants to change; because he believes that HE deserves it. What are the two of you doing to work through his infidelity? Is he doing what you need him to do so that you can heal?

TSOL Ė glad that the evening still turned out okay despite some minor setbacks! In that weather though Ė ouch, doesnít that hurt?! By the way, I saw your thread about WBF going out of town soon. How is all of that going? Do you have a plan firmed out yet?

JG - I was furious when I saw some of the comments to your other thread about your H's actions being your fault. That is totally not true. However, to come up with some consequences is a great idea; something I had not thought of. It sounds more to me like your husband needs to learn to just stand up for himself with others. Do you think that he is able to put his foot down with other people when it is necessary? For example, he was supposed to stay in for the night instead of going out. Do you think he was easily persuaded by the other man that was with him to go out? And while he knew it wasn't what the two of you agreed upon he really thought that it would be harmless? Or am I way off base??!!! Is he home now?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs -- forgiveness. I don't know. I thought I had, but it keeps circling around. I think its an iterative process, a big spiral. I forgive a little at a time, but setbacks make me need to start over (maybe not back at the beginning, but a few steps back) and even when things are going well, I think sometimes we have to work awhile longer before I can bring that forgiveness to the next level. I also feel like I have to forgive each element of the ONS and of the mistakes since separately, kind of. So I can forgive him getting that drunk, or can forgive him falling asleep with her, but I still haven't forgiven him for continuing on after he had a sense (drunk as he was) that something was wrong with this situation. Does that make sense?


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big stuff happening here --

Showed WH Jana's post about her WH screwing up the plan. Asked him what he thought. He could see why she was upset. Asked if I saw him that way. You think? Over and over, dude. That sparked a huge discussion -- in which he totally admitted its true, that he didn't do everything he could, doesn't take the initiative to learn and grow and try, and that I am completely right.

I was very calm, talked to him about how it makes me feel, about the lost opportunities for trust building and making me feel prioritized, and how he was essentially driving me away through the cluelessness and benign neglect. I was completely floored that he actually HEARD me this time -- how many times have I said all this before?

Then I went upstairs while he finished up some slides for a presentation he is giving tomorrow, and thought "OMG did we just implicitly agree to divorce?" He did come up awhile after to say that he was so sorry and he loved me but he understood why I felt the way I did and could't blame me if I was done. And then went back to work some more. After he came up to bed for good (I was still up, couldn't exactly sleep) he said it all again and we ended up ... "connecting"...

But I still feel totally distant today. Numb, almost. Like I said the truth yesterday, and now that its said I can't unsay it. But really is that what I want?

He was totally confused this morning that I was distant and was upset because he was leaving to go out of town and didnt want to leave with things like that. I was totally confused because I have this sense of detachment and I just don't know what I want. I must want to be here, because I've stuck out almost 2 years of relatively unsuccessful R, right? So why so detached now?

Now what?

[This message edited by peacelovetea at 1:08 AM, February 28th (Monday)]


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,
I'm glad you're in a good place right now. Don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing the old him right away. While he did make one mistake, he didn't jump to tell you about it and I think that's probably a huge factor in how you feel about things. I do think this is really good though. My IC used to always tell me to write down when I felt good about us or him so when I didn't I could read about it and remind myself. Maybe copy that post somewhere you won't lose it in the archives of si or where you won't have to search as much when we get further into the thread.

That weather does hurt and I was shivering like mad. Although I'm sure some of it was me shaking too brrr. We haven't talked yet, I'm waiting for him to get home from work which should be ANY minute now. I'm willing to flexible with the amount of time. Ideally, nut-case tsol would like a text every 10 minutes but that's just not reasonable. So somewhere between 1-3 hours I think I can handle. And I'd like to know when he's going to bed and when he wakes up. I'm going to ask that he sets an alarm on his phone so that he can't "just forget" or get caught up in the moment or whatever his excuse was last time. And that he has to keep his phone with him and charged. I'm still pretty worried and I think I will be regardless of the plan until he gets home (if he goes)

I'm also going to question-jack your question to Jana. I was just talking to another si member today aobut how I feel that wbf is very (like high school) influenced by other people. Especially when it comes to the friend he might be going to visit tomorrow. But he tends to "go with it" rather than putting his foot down. I think he has an issue with external validation and if he does what other people think is a good idea, then those people will think he's cool. Like I said, very high school. But I am curious whether this is a sort of trend.

PLT,
I think our brains give us that numbing "vacation" when it needs a break. And after 2 years of an up and down R, I think you have well earned that vacation. Maybe, after thinking about what can go wrong with him going away, you are protecting yourself from that? Also, is it "wh goes out of town season"? Are any of them not going somewhere?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,
I'm glad you're in a good place right now. Don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing the old him right away. While he did make one mistake, he didn't jump to tell you about it and I think that's probably a huge factor in how you feel about things. I do think this is really good though. My IC used to always tell me to write down when I felt good about us or him so when I didn't I could read about it and remind myself. Maybe copy that post somewhere you won't lose it in the archives of si or where you won't have to search as much when we get further into the thread.

That weather does hurt and I was shivering like mad. Although I'm sure some of it was me shaking too brrr. We haven't talked yet, I'm waiting for him to get home from work which should be ANY minute now. I'm willing to flexible with the amount of time. Ideally, nut-case tsol would like a text every 10 minutes but that's just not reasonable. So somewhere between 1-3 hours I think I can handle. And I'd like to know when he's going to bed and when he wakes up. I'm going to ask that he sets an alarm on his phone so that he can't "just forget" or get caught up in the moment or whatever his excuse was last time. And that he has to keep his phone with him and charged. I'm still pretty worried and I think I will be regardless of the plan until he gets home (if he goes)

I'm also going to question-jack your question to Jana. I was just talking to another si member today aobut how I feel that wbf is very (like high school) influenced by other people. Especially when it comes to the friend he might be going to visit tomorrow. But he tends to "go with it" rather than putting his foot down. I think he has an issue with external validation and if he does what other people think is a good idea, then those people will think he's cool. Like I said, very high school. But I am curious whether this is a sort of trend.

PLT,
I think our brains give us that numbing "vacation" when it needs a break. And after 2 years of an up and down R, I think you have well earned that vacation. Maybe, after thinking about what can go wrong with him going away, you are protecting yourself from that? Also, is it "wh goes out of town season"? Are any of them not going somewhere?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:
He's not going!! I know he'll be a bit of a grump tomorrow but that I can deal with SO much better than the alternative


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also has that "can't say no to the people in the moment" problem. He is working on this in IC, as he pinpoints that as a primary cause of his ONS. Since of course, the fact that he perceived she wanted him to touch her, meant he was "obliged" to. Interesting trend.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, I want to reply but I've got to get ready for work and I want to do it when I have time to reply thoughtfully. He did sincerely apologize for giving me a bad weekend. (((PLT))) I hope things feel better today. tsol I am so glad he is not going!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a couple of long talks and H said to me that I am going to have to find a way to move on never knowing the whole story, the reason for that is he said he cannot remember. He does not know what she looked like or anything else about her, just that she was drunk and the conversation went somewhere it shouldn't have.

I still feel that knot in my stomach and sometimes being around him is just too hard, there is an awkwardness with us now that I do not know how to overcome.

I just feel different about him now and he can tell, the other night he asked me if I still loved him and i said yes but not the same way.

I used to walk up to him and hug him and do other touchy feely things and now I don't, after sex I used to lay on his chest and talk and now I just lay there alone on my side and think to myself is this what I want the rest of my life to be like.

He has no idea what to do to make me feel better and I do not know if I want him to, it is strange that some days I wake up and love him and other days I just want to run like hell.

It is so sad to be in this place of uncertainity, he said that he was not himself when this happened and I think that is a lie, I think what he meant to say is that I am a dog and if a woman offes herself to me I am going to take it.

I have no idea if I can ever get over this and be comfortable around him again, I want to but it is so hard to just relax.

Then the other day he said to me that if I have an affair it is over, there is no coming back from that, I was furious and screamed so what the hell am I still doing here?

This is like an ongoing nightmare that I cannot wake from, and I really dread the summer time, that is when H ONS happened, so I am going to go through these next couple of months feeling like crap while H wondering eyes have fun.

How do you know when it is over? How do you know when WH is cheating or thinking of cheating? Do your gut feelings really mean anything or is it just uncertainity taking over? Too many questions and not enough answers I have no idea what I am doing.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn people , i dont check this for a couple of days and everyone was at the party here but me. let me catch up in my reading and I will get back to you


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

geez everyone,

My head hurts from all these posts.

Jana,

I am so sorry about what happened. How is your hangover today ?
As usual, the general forums were too harsh on you because they don't know the whole story and I think so many people read their own f---- up situation into everyone else's and see what is not there.

Now, I say that not to dismiss what Mr Green did. It almost seems to me like 1. he doesn't get that the rules have changed. The freedoms he was once afforded went away the night of the ONS. Its not a punishment, its to help keep you feeling safe. It seems for whatever reason, Mr Green has a hard time saying no to his CW . 2. He does not seem to get that he is putting himself in situations that hurt you and set up a situation that could lead to further problems. Do you remember the post here on boundries and by not stopping one behavior, it set things up for the next behavior and so on until the temptation is in WH's face and there is no turning back? I think Mr Green needs a better understanding of boundries, and a better understanding of how this is disrespectful and damaging to R. This may call for some MC sessions (maybe you can pull him into IC for a couple).

Glad he was remorseful but don't let him forget that a simple I am sorry does not make it all better. He needs to let you know what he should of done differently and be able to explain why .

tsol- :) glad he did not end up going.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:25 PM, February 28th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CS

given the similarities in our situations (with our Hís and their sons), do you think that your H had an issue with opening up about how difficult that really was for him? Did he feel like he had to be the ďmanĒ and be strong about it? I was just wondering because that is kind of how my husband was about it. I mean, I obviously knew that he was hurt every time that he had to take his son to the airport. I knew that it was difficult for him and I watched him cry many times when his son left. At the same time though, he was never ďtooĒ emotional about it.

To answer your question, yes absolutely in regards to my FWH. I never really saw the extent of his pain because he bottled it up inside. Don't know if its a Marine thing or a general man thing, but I firmly believe is almost directly led to his depression which he tried to self medicate with alcohol. When that didnt make the pain go away, and an easy forward hole made herself availabe, he tried to use that to dull the pain.

CS I got chills when I read your last post when you and WH sat you down and for the first time you started to see things in a new light. You started to empathize with his pain and what he has been going through. You talked about continuing to punish him .

Now I believe that we are in control of our own destinies but I do believe that sometimes things happen for a reason. I could give you a million reasons alone in regards to my relationship with my H but i wont bore you.

On friday, i did come on here , wrote an eloquent response to your post about forgiveness and something very funky happened where I lost all my work. I was SO pissed that is why I gave up and didnt bother to come back on until today.

You asked about forgiveness and I have forgiven my FWH. The two components I feel that are necessary for forgiveness 1. Not feeling the need to punish your WS/BF for his mistakes. 2. having the ability ,even slightly, to empathize with WS feelings that they were going through before,during and since the ONS. Once I was able to do both of these, I was able to forgive him. Now, that doesnt mean we rugsweep, it definitely doesn't mean the pain is gone, it just means that I was ready to let go the need to hold on to the anger and need to punish him for what he has done.

When I read your post, I really got chills because this weekend you started to get a glimpse at both. I think my post not taking was because it was something you needed to find yourself :) I am SO happy for you! Two steps forward towards some peace! Now dont get discouraged, you wont feel like that everyday. I would print out that post of yours to keep to read when you have a bad day. Let it be a reminder of what you want.

WTBL,

I am sorry you are in pain. Only you can decide what is acceptable for your life. If you have laid out clear details for what you need for R and WH is not doing them then you have to decide what you are going to do about them. You can only control you not him. You will never know with 100% certainy if he is or will cheat again, that is why trust needs to be rebuilt. Without it, your marriage will die. Trust is rebuilt by WH being honest, tranparent, and consistent in his behaviors. Wish you the best of luck.

PLT

I was very calm, talked to him about how it makes me feel, about the lost opportunities for trust building and making me feel prioritized, and how he was essentially driving me away through the cluelessness and benign neglect. I was completely floored that he actually HEARD me this time -- how many times have I said all this before?

This is a good thing. He is starting to get it finally!!!! Why the detachment you ask? I will speculate that its because for the past 2 years you have been continuing to be hurt during R and there is no trust that his actions are sincere this time. You are protecting yourself and rightfully so.

Gentle 2x4 coming.....Why have you been hanging around for 2 years? True R can only happen when both parties are working on this, he clearly has not until recently. Now that he is here, you want to continue to punish him for what has has not done in the past 2 years. I am not saying you dont deserve to be hurt, but right now you have to decide if you want this relationship or not? The time to R is now. I am not saying its fair by any means but you either stayed for 2 years hoping he would come around or because you have not had the emotional strength/financial ability to leave. Only you know which answer is the correct one. Its time to figure out what you really want and go for it. Either its to move on together or apart, but its time to move.

Ok, sorry not so gentle
,please dont hate me.

My straightforwardness sometimes gets me in trouble.

None of this is fair, its a shitty situation you are in but remember ,the ball is in your court now. The choice is yours.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 5:03 PM, February 28th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you either stayed for 2 years hoping he would come around or because you have not had the emotional strength/financial ability to leave. Only you know which answer is the correct one. Its time to figure out what you really want and go for it. Either its to move on together or apart, but its time to move.

I think both -- financially, I think I will be pretty screwed if we split -- emotionally I wasn't ready -- I really hoped he would come around, I knew he was trying and his intentions were good he was just so ... emotionally stunted he couldn't deal. This incident was truly as traumatic for him as it was for me in many ways. And of course the kids... we only just got our SN oldest somewhat stable... I had been at a point where I was ready to leave, and confided in some friends that I was going to and they flipped out, saying I was being too hasty and he was a good guy and was trying and I just gave up. Said fine, I will try doing a roommate kind of thing. Then he suggested we try MC again, with a better one. I felt I owed it to my kids to try one more time - and we have been making progress, just so S-L-O-W-L-Y I can't stand it...

I don't know. I really don't know what I want. Or rather, what I want isn't one of the choices available. None of the options are good ones, none of them get me where I wanted to be. And I don't know how I feel about him, I had hoped that at some point I would stabilize one way or the other and would know but its really week-to-week, sometimes day-to-day. I don't know if he can do what I want, for all he is trying to learn now, and I don't know if I can get past the hurt of the last 2 years. I could have recovered from the ONS since he didn't lie, I think, but the fact that even after he betrayed me so horribly that he would still half-ass it...

Maybe that tells me all I need to know?

All I know is that I want to curl up in bed and not get up. I can't do this anymore.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ptl

Or rather, what I want isn't one of the choices available. None of the options are good ones, none of them get me where I wanted to be

What gets you to where you want to be? What reasonable option gets you the closest to that vision ?(ie..you cant turn back time and change what happened, you cant live in the past--I am sorry honey none of us can!)

... I had been at a point where I was ready to leave, and confided in some friends that I was going to and they flipped out, saying I was being too hasty and he was a good guy and was trying and I just gave up. Said fine, I will try doing a roommate kind of thing.

It sounds like you gave it another try with one foot in and one foot out the door. I really feel for you. I was in the same place with my ex husband. He was he father of my children, I had to give it one more try. My personal experience was that straddling the fence was not a place that aided in R. For what it is worth.

Do you feel any differently about things since that time when you felt ready to leave? Compare yourself between then and now? Are you any happier? Are things between you better? If so, better enough to see a light at the end of the tunnel out of this?

And I don't know how I feel about him, I had hoped that at some point I would stabilize one way or the other and would know but its really week-to-week, sometimes day-to-day. I don't know if he can do what I want, for all he is trying to learn now, and I don't know if I can get past the hurt of the last 2 years. I could have recovered from the ONS since he didn't lie, I think, but the fact that even after he betrayed me so horribly that he would still half-ass it...

Maybe that tells me all I need to know?


my heart is breaking for you right now. I think if you take a look at what you just wrote ,you know the answer, its just the matter of if you are ready to move on that decision? ((PTL))


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plt I am so sorry. You are having such a hard time - my heart goes out to you ((PLT)) I'm not sure whether to be glad or sad that my situation sparked that discussion - sounds like a talk that needed to be had, and I'm glad he understood. But still - I hate that you're at the end of your rope. And I think after 2 years - who wouldn't be?!?!

Well, I don't know that I handled the whole bad weekend situation very well. When he came home, he asked me if I had a good weekend and I said no. He said, "Because of me - I'm sorry." and gave me a hug. I still don't think he gets it but he's apologized 46 times and said that he will stick to the "plan" next time. urgh. So I just kind of don't want to bring it up anymore. However, I am tempted to go all detective on his ass, which isn't good.

Yeah, some of the comments I got, I was kind of like WTF. One of the posters said she thought she had my situation confused with someone else. I mean, I will freely admit that I tend to be a bit too forgiving toward Mr. Green's clueless actions but I don't think by any stretch that I allow him to "continue to disrespect" me or whatever that statement was.

At one of our MC sessions, I was angry about how he never gives me any verbal affirmation and my counselor said something to the effect of, yes, it would be nice if he were more verbally expressive and he should certainly try, but at some point you have to accept that you married Mr. Green and he is who he is. And she's right. I cannot expect him to become a different person because of the infidelity. It just doesn't work that way. I guess I'd rather have him emotionally clueless but honest than silver-tongued and lying to me. I mean, again, he didn't have to tell me that they went out after dinner. He did though - and had no clue it wasn't ok. He SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! But his intentions weren't malicious.

Sigh. I've talked myself in a circle now. Am I making excuses for him? I welcome honesty here. I am confused as all get out. I just don't have the energy to wage WWIII with him over this but I don't want to rugsweep, either.

Oh, and about him being unable to say no to CW- I think part of it was that he felt guilty because CW basically gave up his whole weekend to help H with this show, not getting paid or anything. It was a huge favor to him. So H felt kind of bad leaving CW alone. Which I understand and actually felt kind of bad about that too but that wasn't part of the plan. I think when we made that plan, H was afraid that CW was wanting to go out and get shitfaced and go to a strip club. After they talked in the car and H told him all about the ONS, I guess he felt like since everything was out in the open CW wouldn't want to get all crazy, knowing all Mr. G and I have been through. And I think he was right and CW was sensitive to that, but still. Not part of the plan.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:05 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that moment, I remembered that my husband IS a good man. He IS a good husband. He IS a good father. He IS a good provider for his family. He IS a lot of good things. He made ONE horrible mistake; and itís about time that I either get my butt in gear and start working with him, or pack my shit and leave. What I am doing is not healthy for either one of us, and it certainly isnít healthy for our daughter.

((CS))

I can identify with this.

One of the first things I said to him the day he confessed was, "I don't need you. I have a good job and I can support myself. Baby green and I would be fine without you." I think I needed to verbalize that so I knew that I had a choice. So I was later on able to process that i wasn't staying with him because I had to. It was a choice I was making. If i divorced him it would have been over principles - he crossed my line in the sand, so to speak - and not what I really wanted, for myself or for my child. And that one act didn't change that is a good person and a great dad and that he loves me. So yeah, it's hard, but I think what you're thinking is valid and a turning point. But don't be hard on yourself if you slip and feel negative sometimes, ok? ((CS))

Slipped halo, welcome! I'm sorry you're in this position but glad you're here if that makes sense.

WTBL, how are you doing? That statement your H made to you about how if you had an affair it's over - what was the context of that? Is he scared you'll have a revenge affair? tsol and hurting, how are you ladies doing? Anyone else out there?

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:09 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that moment, I remembered that my husband IS a good man. He IS a good husband. He IS a good father. He IS a good provider for his family. He IS a lot of good things. He made ONE horrible mistake; and itís about time that I either get my butt in gear and start working with him, or pack my shit and leave. What I am doing is not healthy for either one of us, and it certainly isnít healthy for our daughter.

I am with you on this too CS and Jana. I think this is SO important to remember. CS I would cut and paste this and post it everywhere you can to keep reminding yourself of this. This was a huge factor for me in R.

I think I needed to verbalize that so I knew that I had a choice. So I was later on able to process that i wasn't staying with him because I had to. It was a choice I was making. If i divorced him it would have been over principles - he crossed my line in the sand, so to speak

I made sure my FWH knew this too. When I kicked him out, he was coming back home when myself and the kids were not home(we told the kids he had to go out of town for awhile for work) I left in plain sight a budget made out without his paycheck out. I also had my wedding rings off and in plain sight. It was a bit of a set up on my part, I knew he would see it. We talked about it later and I made it clear while it would be hard, I could financially do it(it would of been extremely tight though). I needed him to be a little scared and I think it worked but I also needed to know deep down that I did have an out, that I was not obligated to stay. Since we were not married very long, spousal support would never of been granted to me,so I would be on my own.

Jana-

was angry about how he never gives me any verbal affirmation and my counselor said something to the effect of, yes, it would be nice if he were more verbally expressive and he should certainly try, but at some point you have to accept that you married Mr. Green and he is who he is. And she's right. I cannot expect him to become a different person because of the infidelity.

My FWH is the exact same way, honest but emotionally clueless. She is right ,we can not expect him to change, however, I think we can expect them to make an effort to meet our needs to make us feel safe and valued again. For me, its physical touch and verbal affirmations. I expect him to do better, not be Don Juan, just take the time to show I am still the one for him.

As far as how to handle the weekend from this point, I dont have a definitive answer for you and others here may scream about me agreeing with you being on the fence here. On one hand, knowing your history and MR. Green's getting it for the most part, I can see where you may want to move on with it and just bring up the expectations with more clarity the next time.

However

So I just kind of don't want to bring it up anymore. However, I am tempted to go all detective on his ass, which isn't good.

If this bothers you still so much that you feel the need to do this, then it is clearly NOT sitting well with you and you should address it further, perhaps in MC. Having a third perspective may help open his eyes up to how this affected you.

Another thing might be to cut and paste all your weekend posts (only the ones you wrote) and give them to him so he can really see how devastating it was to you. He very well might not understand the extent to which this hurt you. I think that needs to be conveyed more than anything else.

As far as me, still plugging along. Things have been pretty stable the past 2-3 weeks. The medication has been helpful. I have used it 2 times when I felt like things were going to ramp up and 1 time when I had a bad episode starting for sure.
It just shortened the duration and the impact SO VERY MUCH!

We booked our trip to Oceanside for the end of July and since we are saving alot of money by flying into vegas and driving, we are going to spend 2 days in vegas on the way back.

I still struggle with the ONS sneaking up out of no where and the thought hits me of "OMG I cant believe he actually has been w another woman!" Then there is the tinge of pain. Things tend to be more removed emotionally than before. Its not so overwhelming for now.
Since ONS was in July, I think its going to be an emotional month at the beginning (7/5/11) and at the end of the month when we are actually near where the ONS happened. I guess I will "enjoy" the stability for awhile because I think it wont stay long!

I know its crazy but part of me wants him to try and figure out where the bar was that he met her (he is really not too sure but could probably retrace his steps somehow) and figure out the hotel he went to (hers). Part of me wants to do it but part of me thinks it is going to serve no purpose and I really want us to "own" this trip. That bitch already took enough from me, and she will likely be "present" to a certain extent , I dont want to give her any more power.

My FWH did cause me a little anxiety over the weekend but nothing like what you guys have been dealing with. I could not reach him on his phone friday night while he was working, it was for 3-4 hours , no text nothing. Big trigger cause if you recall , the ONS night, we did not call or talk all night which is SO unlike us. I ended up calling his work line (which I never do) and he answered :) . He was having phone troubles and hadnt gotten my texts or phone messages.

Another weird thing, over the weekend he shaved off his goatee he started growing in the fall. It caused alot of anxiety for me. He has a baby face (dont know if you guys remember). I liked the goatee, it made him look older (and wiser :) ), almost like he was a new man. It was so strange to see his face and it brought me back to the summer :( . The insecure part of me thought...great he looks so much younger again, probably why the 25/26 year old whore hit on him in the first place! Me being older to begin with always concerned me, but after this, and the fact that I feel like its aged me by 100 years in my face, makes me cringe. Even though she was overweight and a real bow wow per my H, the fact that she was a good 13 years younger, really gets under my skin.
I recognize its my shit I need to deal with and to his credit he caught that it would be a trigger awhile back and prepared me for it.

It was still hard but I made it through.

Finally, my sister who lives in another state, figured out what was going on. She stated she always suspected but thought the ONS happened with WH ex out in California(the mother of his child). You know the ballerina size 1, dumb as a box of rocks that I told you guys about ! I filled her in on what transpired and what he has done since then and she was supportive. I was worried she would not be,so its a relief.

Hope everyone is having a good week!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 2:34 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting -- been thinking a lot about your comment that I had one foot out the door. I have to agree that a lot of it I have. I started out absolutely convinced we would R, I just needed him to do these few things for me... but then he didn't. And then I got PTSD. And every time we had a conversation go wrong, or he would do something stupid (like Jana's WH did kind of stupid), I would get more traumatized. And the more traumatized I got, the more I needed him to help, the less he could cope, and the worse I got. After awhile I did heal a lot of the PTSD symptoms on my own, with my IC -- I don't have the nightmares or mind movies any more, I don't feel the need to check up anymore (hypervigilance), but I definitely didn't feel like I could lean completely on him either. Not until he stops with the stupid shit that puts me back in that place, you know? Maybe I should have done more. But how could I, when I didn't -- don't -- feel entirely safe? If he could be consistent in his responses for a few weeks I would learn to trust, but he perpetually builds up a little and then fucks it up. Maybe I am justifying? I don't know. I feel like I stepped into the ring a lot of times, only to regret it, so after awhile I just... only took a step or two in and waited. I struggle with how much I should be doing -- part of my work has been to stand the tension that results if I don't just sweep in and do all the work, since that's definitely something I need to work on -- I also berate myself a lot for stepping in at all, when he keeps hurting me -- can't win, even with myself.

Things are definitely better than they were when I was about to leave the last time. He is willing to talk about it now, wrote the timeline for me, he's trying much more than he was. I am moving forward in big ways in other parts of my life (school etc) and that's a big deal. But I feel like I had to heal alone, and he's doing his work alone, and we didn't heal together. Or just started to try, but maybe its too late. I don't trust him any more. It will take a long time and a lot of effort and consistency on his part to make that happen. Not sure he can do it, not sure *I* can. I am just so TIRED.

Jana -- I totally get your confusion. I have lived like that forever now. I think yours has caught on a lot faster than mine, he just hasn't figured out how to put that into practice on a daily basis yet. I hope he does understand what it really meant to you, what happened this weekend. But like hurting said -- the need to check up means you aren't done with it completely yet. Honor that.

Latest here is WH is still away, I tried to talk to him last night and it just went wrong somehow, we were both in tears and ended up hanging up with no resolution, did it again this morning. Have resolved not to talk much until he returns because doing it over the phone is just not working. Today I am barely managing to function, keep crying, trying to hold it together in front of the kids and get a stupid paper written for my class due tomorrow. I'm drowning in grief and fear and loneliness all over again. I just want it to stop. Thank God I have IC tomorrow.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TSOL Ė I agree. A lot of my problem was that it took my husband 10 months to tell me about what had happened; and those 10 months were hell. So itís not as if he told me while we were still at a good place in our relationship. Instead, he told me after we had drifted apart. He told me after he was insensitive to my feelings on so many occasions and I resented him for it. During those 10 months, so many things happened and itís almost as if my husband wasnít even there for any of it. For example, I graduated. We were supposed to plan this graduation party/going away party (since we were to be moving soon). The plan was to rent one of the pavilions at his work and invite everyone. It was supposed to be a huge thing; we had talked about it for months. Once the time got close though, he wasnít interested. He said he didnít want to do anything and he definitely didnít want to do anything at his work. He said that he just wanted to move and get out of ďthereĒ (meaning the state we were in at the time). He hated his job and even took off work for a month before we moved. I was pretty upset about that because I wanted him to wait and take time off when we moved so that we could go exploring; but he said he couldnít stand his job anymore. He was also very insensitive to the fact that I was leaving my home, my family and my friends. Basically, all he cared about was moving as soon as possible. I now understand why. I now understand why he hated work Ė it was the scene of the crime. No wonder why he took so much time off work. No wonder why he didnít want to have a party at his work. No wonder why he didnít want to invite the people who worked for him. It all makes sense now. But during those 10 months, I grew increasingly resentful towards my H. So not only am I dealing with his infidelity, but Iím dealing with 10 months worth of resentment. ANYWAY!!!!!

Iím glad that your BF is not going out of town. Iím sure that is such a relief! Did the two of you ever talk about it afterwards?

JG Ė I think you handled the bad weekend the only way you knew how to handle it; given the circumstances. I also donít think your rugsweeping. Youíre getting on SI and venting; youíre getting your frustrations out one way or another. For me, itís always as easy as just talking to my husband; but heís always been in tune with my emotions (always). This is one of the reasons that all of this was so difficult for me. My husband was emotional, affectionate, sensitive to my needs/feelings, and all that good stuff. He always put my needs before his; and heís been that way ever since I met him. So when all of this came about, I was in complete and utter shock. So I donít have a whole lot of advice for the emotionally clueless! But given that you know that and recognize that about him, I think itís safe to say that youíre correct and he wasnít being malicious. At the end of the day, it just wasnít a part of the plan. while I agree that you can't "change" him, you can expect for him to try to meet your needs. And I just hope that he has owned up to that and understands not to ever let that happen again!

PLT Ė you sound as confused as I do sometimes! Itís crazy, isnít it? One day everything was so certain and then all of a sudden we just donít seem to know anything anymore.

Hurting Ė very odd; I donít think Iíve ever seen you talk about YOU!!! But, Iím always so busy complaining about ME!! I understand why you would want to find the bar and the hotel; but it will accomplish nothing. And like you said, you want to ďownĒ this trip. Make your own memories there; make it to where when he thinks of San Diego (thatís where youíre going, right?), that he only remembers being there with you!!! Youíre the one he loves; youíre the one he wants to be with. She has one memory of your husband; which Iím sure she never thinks of. You have a whole lifetime of memories with him. So ďownĒ that! Iím glad the medication helped when you needed it.

As for me, Iíve had a great time with my dad being here. Sadly though, he leaves tomorrow. He was supposed to leave on Friday, but we got a call at about midnight last night saying that my Grandfather has passed away (my Dadís dad). So my dad is leaving here tomorrow and flying out to Texas to be with my grandmother. I havenít decided if I will go or not. Iím kind of leaning more towards waiting a week or so and then going out. Right now, things are going to be so hectic and my grandmother will certainly be taken care of. So Iím thinking that if I wait until things settle down, I will be able to really spend some time with her and make sure she is doing okay. BUT Ė I really donít want to miss the funeral services. So Iím just torn about what to do; and I donít have much time to figure it out.

As far as my husband, yesterday we had a great day. The ďBJĒ crossed my mind a few times, but I was able to keep reminding myself that my husband IS a good man; it seemed to work. And it felt really good to let him in. Today though, with everything going on with my grandfather, Iíve just been an emotional wreck and so some of those bad feelings have been coming back. My dad (being the wise man that he is) told me to grieve the loss of my grandfather right now; and let my husband be there for me. If only it were that easy!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, now I'm the one who's behind. I'm tired and don't know where to begin. Wbf and I have our first mc tomorrow and were both kind of freaking out. He says he's worried about being open and he doesn't like feelings -well I KNEW THAT YOU SILLY EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WBF!) I'm worried because....that's what I do. Sigh, I think I'm just over-worrying about what will happen. I expect it to be a "get to know you" thing but I guess I worry that
1) MC will be a bad one and I won't be able to get wbf to another one. Or that after going once, wbf won't want to go again
2) That we'll be unfixable. I know we are far from it...maybe not that far. The oea still drives me insane. But they haven't texted in 7 or so days (not that I'm counting). So now I'm left to wonder WHY. They've talked for a year. A year. Wbf sees nothing wrong with their relationship, why would he start nc. Why wouldn't he skip and dance about doing it? I don't think it is nc, I think they just aren't texting. Why not, I want to see this stuff. Who knows what goes on in that computer of his. I was on it the other day, but he was next to me so I couldn't snoop too well. But I didn't see anything terrible from my "browsing"
3) That I've put so much stake in him opening up in mc, that it still might not happen. He gets the ons thing. He doesn't get the oea thing. I know you guys aren't the oea experts but you know the story. And I think we can all agree that he needs to get both of them.
4) I'm worried that I'll be the "crazy" person. I can't very well tell mc that I feel the oea is inappropriate because I put spyware on his phone and search through it every day and I got to see all the texts since the end of August (2 days AFTER ons-day...grrr I want to read that text. But it won't do anything, oh here we go again).

Ok....moving on tsol...

Jana,
It sucks to have to think about it, but when I post a thread I always put ones that could be negative in Recon. It filters out the harsh posts for the most part. Usually if I post the SMALLEST issue with wbf, my replies will be good, and then one person will tell me that, "I'm young, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I have my whole life ahead of me blah blah blah" "Oh really, thanks for letting me know, I wasn't aware of my age or marital status, that's really what I was asking you strange person on the internet about!!!" (And we all thought tsol was the nice one ) So when I'm mad or sad, I go to R. It really isn't about your WH though, it's all the terrible stories out there and their probably less than ideal situation all casting a negative light on your situation. I think they mean well, but they don't know YOUR story.

PLT,
Wbf and I have cycled through forms of talking that are put off limits. Me sending him an email with how I feel, doesn't work. The end. Even though I feel it's my best way of explaining my feelings, but he takes everything soooo negatively against him and gets defensive. Also we can't talk about it on the phone, we both default to dealing with things internally and on our own so the phone could be silent forever as we just think. I definitely think in person usually works best and I hope tomorrow goes better for you

Hurting,
I'm glad your sister was supportive, I think it's great when you have family that is supportive. I've never taken her up on the offer but wbf's sister knows and said I can talk to her whenever. Me and my sister are so far from being close enough to talk about that kind of thing and my parents had A issues of their own so I don't like the idea of talking to them about it. And I agree, while the curiosity makes sense, there's no need to know. Spend the time together, focused on being together.

Cs,

grieve the loss of my grandfather right now; and let my husband be there for me
I agree with this 100%. And no it won't be easy, but you are getting there. Just do what you can. If you aren't feeling great just say you aren't and see if he can figure out the rest.

WTBL,
I've often wondered if it were switched would wbf try to R? I know if I asked him he would say yes...actually I think that, I don't know that. The statistics say that men are less likely to stay with their wife who cheated than the other way around. I like to think that he would, not that it would ever be an issue, but sometimes I'm just not sure.

Hope everyone has a good week, I'm gonna go hide under the blankets from mc now


me - tsol, that's all for now

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