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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still poking in. We've had a big weekend -- WH finally wrote the timeline/accounting of that night I had asked for 14 months ago. Originally it was supposed to be my Valentine's present, and I was feeling very optimistic that not only had he volunteered to do it but that he knew that it was the kind of V-Day present I would want. Thinking we had come so far if he could so casually do this and we could talk about it and it wasn't a big drama thing, you know?

Of course it ended up being one anyway, he freaked out writing it and decided we couldn't talk about it until we were in MC (2 weeks away!) and I was just livid that I didn't get to have any say in how we handled it and so disappointed that it was, in fact, a big deal, and thinking what did he suddenly remember that was so terrible he could only confess to it in MC?

In the end he gave it to me earlier anyway and we did have some productive conversations about it, connected well, had some nice HB-type make-up sex. But... there are new details. Seriously. They don't matter in and of themselves, but really, 18 months out we are only far enough along that he can finally write down everything he remembers?

I count the beginning of our real healing from about June of last year (a year after DDay!) -- he is finally really working in therapy, both MC and IC, and is getting it now, after a year of minimizing and rugsweeping and refusing to deal with his FOO stuff. But I am just so tired of being patient and so tired of not really knowing what's going to come out of this person that I have been with for so long but have no idea if I know.

I've done a lot in my own IC to heal me, and MC is bringing up a lot of patterns we are working on, but the more he goes and realizes how broken he is the less respect I have for him. I don't know what to do. Its me that is feeling ILYBNILWY, you know? I just don't know if I will ever get what I need out of this relationship.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JG and Hurting Ė you guys make me laugh!!!

JG Ė Iím glad that your ďfantasyĒ didnít last long! It sounds to me like your H is really being attentive to the fact that this is going to be difficult for you; and the fact that he is so enthusiastic about it is encouraging! To answer your question though, no, I havenít started the ADís yet. My appointment is Monday. So I have put EVERYTHING on hold until then!

Hurting Ė thatís a really great suggestion about writing things down to bring to IC with me. Because usually, I just go in and ramble for the whole hour and Iím pretty sure that none of what I say makes sense. Iím pretty sure that I contradict myself, repeat things, and all that stuff. I had an appointment last Wednesday, and thought it was at 11:00. So as usual, I showed up about 5 minutes early. Well, my counselor came out pretty quick (which is unusual), and quietly told me that my appointment was at 10:00. I was so embarrassed! And things like this happen pretty frequently with me. The funny thing is that I had the appointment in my calendar on my phone, so I donít know what I was seeing! Anyway, I think Iíll try that; hopefully it will give us a base for our discussions.

I, too, think I am pushing my H just to see how long heíll put up with it. You know what, though? I know heíd put up with it forever. I know that! He really is doing everything ďrightĒ; but it doesnít matter. Whenever he does something that Iíve asked him to do, I change my mind and decide that isnít what I really wanted. I recall reading the post you pasted. Again, my H does all of thingsÖvery funny thing! If it werenít for my insanity, maybe weíd be making progress. Sometimes though, I do wonder Ė maybe this really is a deal breaker for me. Maybe Iím just not cut out to handle this kind of thing. Maybe I just canít do it. The reality of it all is that I just want my old life back. I want my marriage before all of this shit came about. And each and every time my husband tells me that he loves me, I think to myself ďthen you wouldnít have done what you didĒ. And when he planned such a romantic Valentineís Day for me, even that was tainted because all I could think was; too bad you werenít doing all of this before you did your deed. It consumes me. Itís there ALL OF THE TIME. I obsess over it. And yes, I am not a very nice person to my husband. He might get 30 minutes of nice out of me in a week. So all that makes me wonder if maybe I really just canít do this. I love my husband. I do. But I keep telling myself that I love the man he WAS. He keeps saying that he is still that man; and that he will be a better man. But I donít want a better man. I want the man that I married.

On a more positive note, I think I may have mentioned that our family moved to back in June (so I really think being homesick has a whole lot to do with mindset). Anyway, my dad and his wife are coming to visit Ė theyíll be here tomorrow. Iím super excited for that!!! My dad was the first person I called to talk to after all of this; heís been very supportive and I know itíll really do me some good to see him!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((plt))

he is finally really working in therapy, both MC and IC, and is getting it now, after a year of minimizing and rugsweeping and refusing to deal with his FOO stuff. But I am just so tired of being patient and so tired of not really knowing what's going to come out of this person that I have been with for so long but have no idea if I know.

I would imagine it would be tough when you are in such different places in your healing. You have done the work ,he clearly has not until now. There is nothing worse than feeling you are dragging someone through a relationship with you instead of standing up and walking willingingly with you side by side.

It makes sense it was drama FOR HIM, because he has not dealt with his shit.

but the more he goes and realizes how broken he is the less respect I have for him. I don't know what to do. Its me that is feeling ILYBNILWY, you know? I just don't know if I will ever get what I need out of this relationship.


I dont have any words of wisdom on this one other than only you know how you feel and whether or not helping him through this is worth it to you. Either decision you make is your right to do so with no regrets. I think this is a good topic for your IC if you have not already discussed it.

I wanted you to know you had been heard. Keep posting and letting us know how its going.


cs-glad to hear your father and his wife are coming. Hopefully that will give you a bit needed break and some support. I often wonder about WH and their father in laws after infidelity. My dad does not know, but I think my WH would have a hard time looking him in the eye if he knew that my dad knew what he did to his "little girl".

Sometimes though, I do wonder Ė maybe this really is a deal breaker for me. Maybe Iím just not cut out to handle this kind of thing. Maybe I just canít do it.

Its always possible this is the case but I think you are stronger than you think.

Forget everything else and answer these questions----Is the marriage I have itself worth fighting for? If I could give you a magic pill to wipe out the pain and asked you to look at the marriage itself right this moment (because you cant go back to your old marriage) is it worth keeping? If the answer to these two questions is honestly no, than you may be ready to move on.

If it is yes then... Can you imagine your life apart from him? You (and your kids if you have any, not sure if you said) living seperate lives from him ? Both of you dating other people?

I want a divorce statement could simply mean, I don't know how to escape this pain so I want out.----from that post I pasted....it is SO true I think and it may be what you are feeling right now.

There is a difference between wanting to escape the pain and wanting to escape a bad marriage. Honey I know it hurts I do and in the end all of us here and all of your family and friends that love you will support whatever decision you make.

I have heard time and again not to rush into any decision like this in the first year. Try to give yourself some time, get on the meds and see if it helps. Just know you are heard and understood here. Try to have a good weekend with your pop and keep us posted.


[This message edited by hurting38 at 9:59 AM, February 24th (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, hurting. My IC says its okay to just live with the uncertainty if I can't decide. I just need to keep myself moving and either the relationship will follow or it won't but I need to know how to be okay either way. I'm doing that. I know I won't be happy with myself if I don't try everything or feel like I didn't give it enough time -- we have 3 kids, if nothing else I owe them that -- and frankly the practical considerations of being separated are a huge factor. I am applying for a doctoral program and am hoping to go back to school fulltime in the fall -- hoping that the distraction & new direction will be good for me, for us. I hate to disrupt the kids, go into what will essentially be poverty, maybe give up school...

cs -- I am right with you, and I like hurting's questions. I don't have answers yet either.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT Ė A doctoral program! Wow! Thatís no easy feat; you should feel accomplished just for considering such a task! Iím in grad school right now, and itís A LOT of work, so Iíd imagine that at the doctoral level itís considerably more. Itís funny, I get all of this great feedback from my professors about my work, but when I go back and read over the assignments Iíve submitted, I donít even remember writing any of it! Itís a shame because I was so excited for this program. At the graduate level, itís much more specific than undergrad. So Iím really getting into the subjects that Iím interested in. Yet sadly, Iím not sure that Iím learning too much (at least not anything that Iím remembering!).

Hurting Ė you always give such good advice. I do hope that someday I get to that better place.

My husband was completely humiliated when I called my dad and told him what had happened. He looked up to my dad and admired him; much like I do. Now mind you, I was not telling my dad to ďtellĒ on my husband. I simply needed someone to talk to and my dad has always been that person for me. I lost my mother when I was young; so going to my dad has been completely normal for me my whole life. And still, at my age, I think my dad is the smartest man I know. When I first told him, as he listened to his only daughter bawling over the telephone, he still had compassion for my H. And from moment one he has believed that I should forgive my husband and reconcile. My dad is just that kind of person. He in no way makes attempts to minimize what my H has done; but he doesnít think I should walk away. He believes that my H is a good man who made a horrible mistake. I think thatís part of the reason that I havenít left yet; because I always trust and believe everything my dad says! A few weeks after D-day, when things were going semi-well, I asked my husband to call my dad and apologize to him. I think it was a very humbling experience for my H. He hated that he had let so many people down; especially my father, the man who trusted him with his daughter. But my dad is the kind of person where he sees the good in people even when they make mistakes; heís such a good man! So now, my H even calls him for advice when Iím having one of my ďfreak outĒ moments! We did go back and visit my dad for Thanksgiving (which was about a month and a half after D-day), and my H was VERY nervous. My H grew up without a father, so my dad has been that man for him since we married. I think heís even a little nervous now; and to be honest, part of me is glad (yes, how mean of me, I know!)

Youíre right though, a divorce for me is just a way to escape this mental anguish. Yet Iím aware of the fact that it wonít make me feel better! So for now, I plan to just enjoy the week with my dad; and my doctor prescribed Cymbalta for me. Maybe that will help me think a little more clearly!

Only another hour and my dad will be here! Yay!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone,

i have been reading in some of the other forums and I want to pose a question to the ONS group. If its too private of a quesiton, feel free to skip this.

Since D day, how has your sex life been with your SO?

I will withold my comments because I am curious what others specific to ONS are experiencing.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still here too. But mostly I'm too tired to type the long messages I normally do in this thread and/or I'm on my phone and I get distracted and open a different web page and lose what I've written (ie today).

A quick comment on Jana's condom issue, even though it feels like it's miles back. Wbf HATES condoms. HATES HATES HATES. And he says the night of the ons, he wasn't thinking at all. But he put a condom on. Wbf never "just puts a condom on". He would sooner eat sand. And yet I'm supposed to believe, that in his moments of not thinking, he put a condom on? I know the ons itself was unlike him, but this is equally unlike him. Yep, just trying to put logic into that illogical situation as usual. The thought doesn't bug me as much it used to but when it comes up I didn't know drunk-skanky was worth destroy everything WITH a condom.

PLT,

Its me that is feeling ILYBNILWY, you know?

I kind of feel the same way. I describe it more as, I love you but I don't like you very much (at times). I don't really get further than that into insight on where that's taking me but I'm hoping after we call an mc tomorrow and finaaaaaaaaaally book an appointment I can like him more consistently

cs,
I hope the cymbalta helps, my AAs did a world of good for me. I'm not a big fan of taking medication, I avoid tylenol for the most part so when I went to the doctor I kept trying to talk him down doses. But like hurting said, even just knowing I had them IF I needed them helped sometimes.

hurting,
You ask for tmi, I'll give you tmi I'll start with how sex has been since HB, I'm sure you don't need an explanation of that. After HB, there was a lot of non-existent sex. Then in December (?? Or other month nearby that blended in with it, I'm never really sure of when things happen on the rollercoaster) but we started up again. It was good, not HB but we seemed sort of on a normal track. Mind movies here and there. Then Christmas came and I got more upset and didn't do it as much (re. at all) Then in January we started again. Wbf has been into more...rough sex since dday. I avoid thinking it's any thing more than a coincidence and if I do start down that road, I try to think of it being him being afraid of intimacy or something like that), but anyways, it's caused some technical problems this month which ends with me panic attacking and avoiding it. But now that I think I've figured out the problem were going to try again, minus the problem. So to summarize, our sex life is very off and on and very scattered


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting,

About 2 weeks after D-day, my H and I did go through some HB. That was great sex! It was so emotional and I felt like we were so connected. We were both so vulnerable and hurting; and both needing each other very much. That actually lasted a few weeks. As of lately, things have been sporadic (and it all really just depends on my mood Ė which as most of you know, has not been great lately). Sometime back in January though, I did tell my H that I did not want him to initiate sex with me. I wanted to be the one to initiate it when I wanted it and when I was ready. I just felt like I needed to be in control of that. When weíre together, I honestly am able to think only of us; and itís the best feeling ever. Sometimes though, when we are finished, I get pretty emotional and cry. So basically, I feel like our sex life isnít exactly what it used to be. Itís not bad, but itís not as frequent. Itís still great, and I donít think about what he did or the OW when weíre in the moment; but my mind does tend to go there afterwards. Now mind you, my H didnít actually have sex with someone. I think if that would have been the case, Iíd do out of my mind wondering if he was comparing. I can tell you that I have not yet been able to do ďthatĒ for my H since D-day (meaning oral sex). A few times I have thought about it. I think to myself, heís MY husband and I should not be afraid to do that. And I think that sometimes I should just do it and then maybe Iíll feel betterÖ.but Iím so scared that when I do it, heíll be reminded of that. I know that isnít true; intellectually I get that. But there is a huge difference in what I know intellectually and how I feel emotionally. And to be honest, I sometimes feel like withholding sex from my H is another way to punish him! And if Iím in one of my funks (which I have been in for about 4 weeks), and I think about him talking about sex with another woman, I get completely disgusted and sometimes even feel just dirty and used Ė that of course, completely turns me off.

I miss how open we used to be sexually. I miss knowing that everything was only between us and that everything was right in the world when we were together. I terribly miss that feeling. I wonder if Iíll ever get it back?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT, hello! Good to see you here. I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated, though. Are you feeling any better today? I know how the roller coaster goes.

Candy, your dad sounds simply amazing. I'm glad you have him to talk to.

tsol, you know, we'd be mad as hell if they didn't use a condom, so there's really no good answer in that scenario. Ugh.

hurting, this:

So your WH had paid for the package of oral and sex but was too drunk to complete things? Is that correct? If so, yeah I would of been really pissed about the whole condom thing too!

During the discussion we had after he confessed, he told me that he had been asking the neighbor douche for details about what happened, and mentioned something about him (neighbor) getting unprotected oral before he had sex with his escort. I asked how he knew neighbor got oral, if they paid for oral and sex, and he seemed kind of confused and said, well, I just assumed. I didn't know why he'd assume that, and he said, well, how else would he get it up? Ummm . . .
so I guess they just do the oral to get the guy hard and then have sex with them? I don't know. I asked him your question about paying for both and he said he didn't really know how it worked. I'd assume they're paying for the time, not the specific act, so long as it's not anything weird or kinky, you know? I would say they have to pay extra for that.

One thing I'm frustrated about is that I talked to the girl on D-Day - and I KNOW she told me everything. But at the time the question that was burning in my brain was whether or not they had sex, and everything else was irrelevant to me. I don't remember ANYTHING else she said because I was so focused on getting that one answer. It frustrates me to no end now that I'll never get those answers. But what she did tell me was this - he was very very drunk and very very quiet. "The other guy" (neighbor) was louder and more aggressive and handled the money part. She tried to give him oral but he was too drunk to get it up. He had called the service a few days before and talked to her to try to figure out what happened (basically figure out his level of exposure) and the stories she gave both of us jived.

Sex life - well, after D-Day we didn't have sex for a while, maybe a week or so, and then HB set in for a couple of months, and then it kind of went back to our pre-D-Day level. We've been crazy busy so not much activity lately, but I'd say it's about 1-2 times/week. I'm not really bothered too much while we're having sex. It's more just random times during the day that I think about it.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:28 AM, February 25th (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting -- We did the HB thing for a few weeks (had to reclaim my territory ) then there was a spell where we were both pretending nothing bad had happened, I think, and that was kind of normal. Then I started to get mad and there was very little sex at all (he doesn't have much of a drive and I wasn't interested in initiating) and what there was made me feel horrible. Then came a spell of mind movies during/after which were awful, awful. Since then its been sporadic -- we have a good talk or MC session or something, feel connected, go crazy for a few days sneaking it in whenever we can (kinda HB again), then we disconnect again and there's nothing for weeks. I still hardly ever initiate and often have trouble, uh, finishing the deal. Its becoming a real problem for me, how just *complicated* it is. I hate that.

Jana -- today, feeling absolutely and utterly wiped. Made a bid for connection last night that turned into a major talk-a-thon about our issues and I had a massive panick attack, had to take Xanax, just completely fell apart, couldn't breath for what feels like forever. We ended up connecting last night but today I feel run over by a truck and just not sure of anything.

Help me, gang. This is what I am struggling with right now, the most. I have been pushing and pushing for a reason -- what was wrong that I didn't know about, what was so horrible that he could betray me this way? I completely lost it last night when confronted with the reality that it was nothing. It didn't take anything except a few drinks, a lot of stress, and a willing floozy. He didn't need something to be bad to be able to do this. Nothing was enough. How can I ever trust him again? I told him that the life we built, the vows we promised each other, should have been enough to stop him but it wasn't. Why should I believe anything he says now?

I don't know how we are going to make it. Am I making too much of this? Today feels almost like DDay again. I am so tired of this pain, I just want it to stop.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((PLT)) I am sorry you are struggling. I would venture to guess that because your WH is finally starting to get on board, this is creating some of the stress you are re-living. Yet another crappy thing WH has done by not healing when he should of (sorry was that too harsh?).

what was wrong that I didn't know about, what was so horrible that he could betray me this way? I completely lost it last night when confronted with the reality that it was nothing. It didn't take anything except a few drinks, a lot of stress, and a willing floozy. He didn't need something to be bad to be able to do this. Nothing was enough.

I remember struggling with this SO much when I came to the realization that there was NOTHING in our relationship that contributed to the ONS. We see so many threads especially with LTA where there were marriage problems that contributed to the LTA.

It is a double edged sword. We are happy the marriage was good but confused and angry about the "why" of it all. I know it was very frustrating for me because I could not "fix" it. If X and Y led to the ONS, then let's work on X and Y. That way I could say that now I know to look out for X and Y in the future. Can't do that if there the problem was internally inside the WS!

It took me awhile to even believe that it there was not an issue in our marriage and then even longer to accept that I had no control over his "fixing" it so it does not happen again. And I am a major control freak!!!!!! The hardest part to accept is that if I can't control it, I can't stop it from happening to me again. I have to put myself out there to be hurt by him again if he fails to get it right.

It didn't take anything except a few drinks, a lot of stress, and a willing floozy
.

EXACTLY the same with my WH scenario. In his case, add his true undiagnosed depression that was occuring at that time and what a mess. Its scary because what is going to happen when we encounter "real hard times" when his coping is put to the test? If he did this now!

All I can say is don't discount the stress and the alcohol. That is not NOTHING. Now, its no excuse to cheat but these factors just made our WS even less equipped to deal with their shit.

How can you trust him again? Well, start I would look at the fact that he told. Its small but its a start. I have to remind myself that is important. We are rare but "lucky" that our WH at least admitted what happened. Now I know you have the added burden that he minimized and didnt own his shit until now. So he is going to have to show you he is trustworthy. Tell him what you think you need from him to do so. Time and consistency and transparancy will help.

However, in the end, there will always be a level of uncertainty and no guarantee it wont happen again. As BS, we have to weigh our fear against our desire for the relationship to continue. I guess it all goes back again to the question of is this relationship worth it.

My IC use to always say to me, at some point, you will have to give him enough rope to hang himself with. So true.

The difference is I will never be so blindsided as I was this time. I will be better equipped next time and I know if it does, I won't tolerate R again. I find comfort in that and strength somehow(although trust me I do waver like everyone else).
That is where working on your own stuff helps considerably.

I wish I could end all of our pain. i have had very lucid couple of weeks here but am scared to death that I am going to fall back into that funk again too. I think that is when we use one another to gain our strength. Keep posting and let us know what is going on.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:45 PM, February 25th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback on the sex thing.

I see so many threads where there is no sex due to the infidelity or major issues in even attempting and wondered if it was a bit different because of the ONS situation we have? I suspect that this is where the emotional stuff plays into this. I think we all KNOW that there was NO emotion involved in any of our WS/BF encounters, and maybe that is why the coping during the act seems to be easier. I remember one of the best things my WH said to me when I asked him if there was anything he did with the OW that he has not done with me. He thought about it and said, only that it was devoid of any emotion or meaning whatsoever .


I have to admit I thought all of this would of impacted my sex life more than it did. I am grateful for small wonders. I think I tend to fall in line with those of you who stated that for the most part, in the moment I dont think about what happened, its usually afterward the emotion floods in,although not frequently and definitely more at the beginning. It hurts the most when I am away from him and the pain of the "act" tries to flood my mind.

We definately had the HB too, I HAD to reclaim my H!

(sorry if tmi here...)
Its kinda weird that my mind tries to take comfort in the "things" they didnt do....like I know there was only one position when they were trying to have sex(which is my WH least fav position (stupid whore prob thought it would make him hot, like a porn fantasy or something-laugh is on her) , or the fact he couldnt stay hard so that means he didn't "finish" with her assitance. You grasp mentally as straws to make it through.

I wonder about myself and why is it that the ONS has not curbed my desire for intimacy with my WH . Why am I able to seperate out sex from love even during the act yet his infidelity still cuts to the bone?

The mind is a strange thing.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:02 PM, February 25th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
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Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to put myself out there to be hurt by him again if he fails to get it right.

And here's where the minimizing and refusal to discuss and repeated stupid shit that came from the same place as the ONS comes in -- the last year has been one incident after another in which I put myself out there and was slapped for the effort. As if I didn't feel degraded enough by his ONS, I have to try to forgive myself for trying over and over again with the same stupid result. I told him pretty damned clearly what my requirements were and he has half-assed them all except transparency. The last few months have been better but god, I feel like a fool sometimes.

I think forgiving myself is going to be the hardest part.



BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
candysmith0705
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Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT and Hurting Ė itís VERY difficult when there were no outward displays that anything was wrong before the ONSís occurred. I keep looking into the past; hoping to find some kind of sign that maybe I missed Ė but thereís nothing. And yes, that makes it hard because I feel like if I missed it the first time, then how can I prevent it a second time? I ask my H this question and he tells me that is his responsibility. Itís his job to make sure that he always comes to me and talks to me when he is feeling down. Itís his job to let me know how he feels; good or bad; so that he doesnít ever again get to the point where he canít handle things anymore. Itís his job to face his emotions instead of bottling them up. Thatís all well and good, and I am glad he is owning up to that, but it still doesnít make it easy for me. Itís hard to read some of the other threads about the BSís having to check emails and phones and things like that; I donít feel the need to do that. What my H did wasnít a relationship that he kept a secret from me. So sometimes I donít know what Iím really supposed to do. In my heart, I believe that my H will never do anything like this again. That one act of infidelity upended his life in ways that he never could have imagined. But as we all know, it doesnít make it hurt any less for us. It sounds like a lot of our Hís even had a hard time ďfinishingĒ Ė that certainly makes me feel better, but doesnít make it all go away. And I try to tell myself that he thought so little of the OW that she was only good enough to give him a BJ. And when I think of how he told her he was ďhardĒ, but that it took him years to say something like that to me, I try to remind myself that it is because he respected me and loved me. He was able to say that to her in that moment because there were no emotions; there was nothing. So yes, all that helps but it doesnít take the pain away.

PLT Ė I know what you mean about feeling like a fool. I feel like that a lot! In fact, sometimes Iím just downright embarrassed by my behavior. However, I didnít ask to be put in this situation. My H made this decision without my approval. As a result, he has to deal with the consequences. My dad, who is visiting me right now, gave me a lecture on forgiveness this morning (itís been a long time since Iíve had a lecture from my dad!!!). He said that he wants me to forgive my H; but not for my Hís sake, for my sake. He truly believes that when I am able to forgive, I will feel better. I understand that and all but itís just so damn hard!

Speaking of forgiveness, do any of you think you have truly forgiven your Hís? If so, any suggestions on how to do that?

Hurting Ė you are so right; the mind is a strange thing. I have certainly learned that over the past few months. My H broke my heart. During some moments, I almost feel as though he destroyed my whole world. Yet there are times, albeit not lately, that I want to be close to him. I want to feel his skin on mine. I want to stroke his cheek and feel his kiss on my forehead. And I wonder: how could I possibly want this from someone who has hurt me so badly? Iíve definitely learned one thing about myself during all of this Ė I can be one stubborn person!!!

Question for you hurting Ė given the similarities in our situations (with our Hís and their sons), do you think that your H had an issue with opening up about how difficult that really was for him? Did he feel like he had to be the ďmanĒ and be strong about it? I was just wondering because that is kind of how my husband was about it. I mean, I obviously knew that he was hurt every time that he had to take his son to the airport. I knew that it was difficult for him and I watched him cry many times when his son left. At the same time though, he was never ďtooĒ emotional about it. When I asked him about this a few weeks ago he said that he felt like he had to be strong for me and our daughter; he had to be the ďmanĒ and take care of us. There are obviously many other issues that he had (which he has uncovered through IC), but the fact that he believed he had to be the ďmanĒ allowed him to compartmentalize until he could no longer handle it.

Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
JG - you good?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting I think you're right about sex lives being less (?) affected when it's not emotional. And now that I know where you are going, I find that during, I am more upset by the oea because it's conscientious (regardless of whether or not the thinks it's past the boundaries). Before that came to surface I do think that sex wasn't that affected. I remembered DREADING trying to do it again after dday but once I got over my worries, it wasn't as troublesome as I feared.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
slippedhalo
Member
Member # 31159
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad this thread is here.

My boyfriend had a ONS at the bar he owns while stupid drunk. He has quit drinking since then but not so much for me as for our son.

I keep waiting for him to slip up, drink again and after this long it will undoubtedly be too much and end up cheating again.

He had sex with her in the same place he once had sex with me. It was exciting and fun because he had just bought the bar. Now it just grosses me out to remember and makes me feel cheap.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2011
slippedhalo
Member
Member # 31159
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes though, I do wonder Ė maybe this really is a deal breaker for me. Maybe Iím just not cut out to handle this kind of thing. Maybe I just canít do it.

I just realized tonight, over a year after DDay, that I can't move past this. He does the least he can possibly do to make me happy and doesn't respect my fear or pain at all.

Its different for everyone, though. I hope you are getting what you need to strengthen your relationship.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2011
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SH,
He has quit drinking since then but not so much for me as for our son.

This just stood out for me and I wanted to give my perspective. My wbf wasn't drunk during the ons but after it he was so stressed and always suppressed his emotions and started smoking. He knows I've always been insanely anti-smoking and I told him that he had to find a better way to handle stress because him smoking was a deal breaker. It resulted in many a discussions but he would tell me that he would stop for me. And I would get mad saying that he can't stop for me, breaking a habit FOR someone else, in my opinion never sticks. I wanted him to do it for him. Have you guys tried MC? Or IC? I'm sorry you have to be here and I'm sorry for how you are feeling ((SH))

Last night we went to a concert and we had a great night, minus a few hiccups. At one point while we were there, wbf made a comment that was meant as a joke, but of course I took it as literally as was possible to do so. I tried to just ignore it and continue having a great night. All was well until he did something that made me mad and I stormed off. It wasn't a big deal AT ALL but it had more to do with it being ddays 6 month anti (remember, I'm big on numbers), the comment from earlier and just simply being overwhelmed. So he got mad with me walking away. (aww poor buttercup, you got walked away from *sniffle*. I seriously believe that wbf is a pretty darn lucky ws, not only am I trying to R but I have yelled at him maybe..twice -so far) Anyways, he ignored me a for while too long for my liking and I got upset so we ended up outside (in -10 degrees without coats) talking. He kept saying "sorry...but...." to which I said that he didn't mean it and I didn't want to hear sorry if it was followed with but. We were near a lake, I wanted to throw him in. I told him why I thought I got so upset (it was really nothing he could have understood without an explanation) and he turned it on him and how he was doing soooooooo much having called mc that night (um...mc was closed darling, you listened to a telephone ring!) So I ignored that because I know he knows that if I'm upset but he says he's upset I will stop me and sympathize with him. So I didn't, I kept the focus on me. Eventually I think he started to understand why I reacted the way I did and he said he would like to know when I'm having an off day like yesterday [I gave him the choice of 1) dealing with it if it becomes an issue 2) knowing even though it doesn't always become an issue -I think it was sort of a test, but he passed] Oh I rambled, it really was overall a great night! (and I'm definitely making progress on being angry at him when he's there)


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
slippedhalo
Member
Member # 31159
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess to say he did it for our son isn't completely true. He did it to be a better parent because that matters to him more than anything. He makes mistakes but never intentionally. He always tries to do what is best for DC.

I just wish that after his ONS when he truly believed he was out of control drunk, he would have quit drinking to be a better man, the man I thought he was.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2011
candysmith0705
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Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay ladies Ė you all know what a royal pain in the ass Iíve been over the last month. Iíve bitched and complained about everything possible. My H has done everything that Iíve asked him to do since D-day and I have given him absolutely nothing in return. Iíve been horrible to him; completely horrible. I have become a person that I do not even recognize; and quite frankly, a person that I do not like. My H has been patient and kind with me even when I insult him and push him away. Yes, I know that we are in this situation because of what he did. Nevertheless, I have not done my part. In fact, I have punished him in more ways than one. He has paid the price for his transgression; but I continue to punish him.

I understand what led to his behavior. Iím intelligent enough to get that (although my emotions show otherwise). So I think that it is time that I start getting a hold of my emotions (instead of letting them control me).

Iíve been rather mean to my husband this weekend (thatís nothing new). Tonight, he brought me into our bedroom to talk. He apologized to me (for only the millionth time) and told me how horrible he felt. How he wished he could go back in time and make better decisions. He told me that he felt like a fool for risking what was most important to him (his family). He explained how he never thought weíd ever go through something like this. How he never thought he was even capable of such behavior. He described the shame he felt after it was all over; and how for 10 months he contemplated death because he thought that was the only way out.

Now Iíve heard all of this a million times; and I believe every word he says. Even though I believe him, I am stubborn. EXTREMELY STUBBORN. Anyway, after my husband said all of this, he took my hands in his. He then paused for a few seconds and began to cry (again, nothing new). This time though, he was trying to speak but he couldnít get anything out. When he did, I could barely make out his words. He said ďDo you remember when we got married and I took your hands this very same way? Do you remember?Ē I said ďyesĒ. He then described our wedding day in the most beautiful words. All of a sudden, it brought me back to that very day. On our wedding day, my husband sobbed as I walked down the aisle; I will never forget it. It was the most perfect day. The look in his eyes on that day told me that he loved me and that he would forever. I saw that same look in his eyes tonight. Iím sure that itís always been there; but tonight I recognized it. Tonight, for the first time since D-day, my heart broke for my husband. Tonight I realized for the first time what this has really done to him. I know that Iíve said it before Ė he had a nervous breakdown, yada, yada, yada Ė but tonight I felt it. Tonight I believed it. Tonight I allowed myself to feel a little bit of compassion for my husband. I know itís not much, but itís a start.

Back up to this morning Ė I was sitting outside crying to my dad (whom I mentioned is visiting) and telling him that I just didnít think I could do it. I was telling him that I just wanted to go home (we just moved to a new state for Hís job in June). I was telling him that I was so hurt that I didnít think Iíd ever get over it. And I was telling him how I am not even sure if I love my husband anymore. Now, as I mentioned, my dad and I are very close. I trust and believe everything my dad says. I know heíd never steer me wrong. So this morning, my dad told me just that. He said that he would support me no matter what I do; but that he doesnít want me to make a decision that I will one day regret. He told me that he would never put me in harms way; he would never leave me with a man if he thought this man would continually hurt me. He told me that he believed with everything in him that my H is remorseful and that he will never do anything like this again. He told me that if I open up my heart to my H, and if I let him love me, that he believed that we could have a marriage that is even better than what we had before. My dad was so positive and encouraging; but I wasnít buying it. Not then. Not until later tonight when my husband took my hands in his. I donít know what clicked for me that moment; but something did. In that moment, I remembered that my husband IS a good man. He IS a good husband. He IS a good father. He IS a good provider for his family. He IS a lot of good things. He made ONE horrible mistake; and itís about time that I either get my butt in gear and start working with him, or pack my shit and leave. What I am doing is not healthy for either one of us, and it certainly isnít healthy for our daughter.

So here is where I stand now. I am going to TRY. I will not make my husband any promises; but I will try. I will let him love me and I will love him back. I will slowly try to open my heart back up to him. I will tell him I love him (because yes, I do love him). I will touch him (his love language is physical touch). I will laugh with him. I will not push him away when he is hurting. I will support his efforts rather than push him down. I will allow him to love me the way he has been trying to all along. I will accept it rather than question it. I will not throw things in his face and insult him any longer. I will treat him the same way that I expect him to treat me. Itís a start!

So, if I come back in a few days bitching and complainingÖplease remind me of this post. Please help me remember that my H IS a good man. I still have an appointment tomorrow for ADís; and I still plan to go to that appointment. I am fully aware that my mind could change by tomorrow morning (in fact, it could change within the next few minutes). So I do still believe that I need something to level my moods.

Thoughts? Right? Wrong?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

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