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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTBL Ė you are certainly NOT crazy. And while we are all here to give you support, unfortunately we donít have the answers for you. I wish I did. I wish I could take away everyoneís pain (including my own); yet I canít.

I do have to be honest and say that it doesnít sound like your H is doing the things that he needs to do to help you heal. I canít remember, are the two of you in counseling? Is he in counseling? How about you?
He should in no way try to make you feel bad for hurting. He should not rush you to heal. He should be supportive of your feelings and let you vent. He should talk about the ONS with you whenever you want to talk about it; regardless of how it makes him feel. And he certainly shouldnít be checking out other women Ė that is extremely insensitive.

I know how tough it is to be strong; and I know you feel weak. But you arenít. You are human and the feelings you are experiencing are very normal.

Do you ever do things for yourself? Do you have hobbies or things that you like to do that could help you keep your mind off things? Sometimes something as little as a mani/pedi can make me feel better. Right now, itís really important that you focus on yourself and your needs. Your husband should encourage you to do those things; and Iím worried that he doesnít. Have you showed him anything from SI that might help him understand a little better?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in couseling, but not IC yet I am working on it. I am not able to do anything for myself, funds don't allow it but he just seems to be in the fog about our R.

I know these are todays emotionss and tomorrow will be different, it is just hard being so up and down everyday.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wtbl Ė I know how hard the ups and downs are. On Monday and Tuesday I loved my husband and was pretty sure that we were going to make it through this. But just 3 hours ago I was having a conversation with him about I just donít think Iím ever going to be able to get past this. I told him that I just canít believe he did that; and I simply do not understand because we had a good marriage. So how am I supposed to live with the fact that he was willing to give that up? And right now, I donít even know what I think or how I feel; and like you said, who knows what tomorrow will be like.

The ups and downs are the worst. Did you see one of my earlier posts about anti-depressants? Hereís what I said:

In my IC appointment this week, my counselor suggested medication for the ups and downs. Iíve always been a bit wary of ADís (thought it meant I was crazy), but then my counselor asked me if I would be wary of taking medication for my heart if I had a heart condition. My answer was of course, ďnoĒ. So she went on to tell me that the brain is an organ also; and people often forget that. So taking medication for our ďbrainsĒ is no different. So I agreed, and she told me she would think about what she thought would work best for me, and weíll discuss it more next week.

If your ups and downs are that bad, you may want to consider this as well. A few weeks ago, someone started a thread about ADís, and a lot of people on here said that they helped tremendously; itís at least something to think about. I know that Iím at a point where Iím considering it! If anything, some IC is at least in order. And I agree, it definitely sounds like your H is in the fog. Have him check out some of the info on SI; maybe it will help him understand where you are coming from. And if you canít do anything for yourself because of funds, perhaps there is something else that you can do to occupy your mind that doesnít cost anything. Do you like to read (other than on SI?). Do you have friends that you could spend time with? Activities that you could do with your children? Prior to your D-day, what kinds of things did you do that brought you joy? Try to do those things. I know that sometimes it is SO hard to want to do anything; believe me, I do know. But sometimes, when we just force ourselves to do something that we used to once enjoy, we end up feeling better for having done so. For me, sometimes everything feels like a chore; but even though it starts out as chore, I end up feeling better afterwards.


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want someone, anyone to tell me that I am not crazy and that being in this situation sucks and how I should fix it.

Oh hon, you are NOT CRAZY. NOT CRAZY AT ALL! It DOES suck and it's completely, ridiculously unfair. Your spouse should be the last person to hurt you. That's why it hurts so bad.

How to fix it? Unfortunately, it takes TWO working together to fix the marriage, and I hate to say that he's not helping you right now.

I am afraid to look into my gut feelings because I can't take anymore, life is just so different now, I feel a different emotion every day.

Can it be possible that all of these emotions means I am done, that there is no more us? and it hurts so bad because i feel stuck.

I don't think the different emotions in and of themselves mean that it's over. It's the roller coaster. It's normal. I thought I was off the roller coaster myself, and here I am back on it. It takes time. Be patient with yourself and understand that the rapidly shifting feelings are part of the process.

His coldness and downplaying of the ONS really bother me. When my husband told me about his, he FULLY expected that I would kick him out of the house and divorce him. He understood the magnitude of what he did. Your H doesn't. You can't force him to get it if he doesn't. All you can do is take the steps to protect yourself. I never did the 180 myself but to me this sounds like a situation that would benefit from it. I am so sorry he's not treating you with kindness and remorse. It's insult to injury and it's frankly SO UNFAIR.

Candy, I understand that feeling of, there has to be more. Similar to your H, my H was a wreck in between the time the ONS happened and the time he told me. He was still a wreck for a while after he told me (he was absolutely petrified that he'd caught an STD from the young "lady"), but as far as his attitude toward me, that completely changed. Before, it was like he couldn't stand to look at me or talk to me (or the baby). Now it makes sense. He felt so ashamed, like he wasn't good enough to interact with us. I think that's actually why he confessed when he did. That morning, I snapped at him because the baby was reaching for him and he wouldn't pick her up. I told him, "You can ignore me all you want, but you CANNOT ignore your daughter." He left for work in a huff but confessed to me at lunch. While he was still a mess, it was obvious to me that the weight of the secret had lifted for him. It sounds like that's what your H experienced after he told you.

Honestly I do think the intimidation of having her boss coming onto her did play a role. I cannot imagine having a conversation like the one they had in a professional setting. I am assuming that proper boundaries are something he's working on in counseling?

And as far as retail therapy , it really was just a bit. We went to Target (sorry, I know you said you're missing it!) because I've been wanting to get baby green a little broom - she tries to sweet the kitchen with my big broom every night. I got her a little broom and dustpan, and some bubbles ("bubble" is her newest word, SO cute), and a cute little gray dress with a tulle ruffle on the bottom that will be great with some leggings and her pink Mary Janes. For me, I got a deep red cardigan that was on sale for only $13. I always end up buying my daughter way more stuff than I get myself! Her stuff is much cuter.

hurting, that's interesting that you bring up the past encounter. Lately I've been remembering how I flirted with an ex of mine while I was still dating the boyfriend before him - and I feel horrendously guilty for it. Did I cheat? No, not technically - but I was inappropriate. Sure, I was only 21 - but that doesn't excuse a damn thing. I feel like apologizing to my long-ago ex, but of course that is ludicrous. It just shows how easy it is for those boundaries to slip if you're not being careful. A good reminder for all of us.


I hope all you ladies have a fabulous weekend. ((wtbl)), I'm thinking of you and hoping things get better for you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6144 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we just spent the last two nights talking and he said that he does not know why he did it and cannot tell me what her name is or what she looked like, that really bothers me.

he also said that he thought we were doing better and was shocked to find out that I was still feeling so bad.

He is a difficult person to understand and I never know what he is truly feeling because he never tells me.

I am going to try to be patient with myself and do what I need to for me I just hope that all my bad feelings for him stop getting in the way.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
Not_Married
♀ New Member
Member # 31272
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just recently found out about my partner's multiple ONS' with coworkers. I have decided to take at least 1-2 months without communication, probably never returning to the relationship. I got a lot of details but the one thing he refused to tell me was who the OW were. In your experience, does knowing more details help/hurt? Part of me feels like I want closure but another part thinks this information won't benefit me at all.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my phone so this will probably be an unorganized mess

The closest thing I have to emotional stability is that in the morning I tend to be really angry. A few hours after I wake up, my heart breaks and I get upset. By the time I go to bed I'm anxious. Of course that only applies to some days, some will run backwards or go completely differently.

Wtbl,
I am going to try to be patient with myself and do what I need to for me I just hope that all my bad feelings for him stop getting in the way
Keep this up as much as you can. It will eventually get easier

Not_married,
Everyone has a different level for the details they want to know. And while you can listen to our reasoning for each of our choices they are all different and you have to go with your need. Most of the time, early on I didn't know if I wanted the answer to each question I asked so I started off with the basics of what I KNEW I needed to know. As things got mored detailed and iffy, I imposed a rule, for each question I wanted to ask but hesitated for even a second, I would wait x time (whatever your comfortable with I usually did 3 days - 1 week) and if I still couldn't go on without the answer I would ask. So sorry you are here but post as much as you need



me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my phone so this will probably be an unorganized mess

The closest thing I have to emotional stability is that in the morning I tend to be really angry. A few hours after I wake up, my heart breaks and I get upset. By the time I go to bed I'm anxious. Of course that only applies to some days, some will run backwards or go completely differently.

Wtbl,
I am going to try to be patient with myself and do what I need to for me I just hope that all my bad feelings for him stop getting in the way
Keep this up as much as you can. It will eventually get easier

Not_married,
Everyone has a different level for the details they want to know. And while you can listen to our reasoning for each of our choices they are all different and you have to go with your need. Most of the time, early on I didn't know if I wanted the answer to each question I asked so I started off with the basics of what I KNEW I needed to know. As things got mored detailed and iffy, I imposed a rule, for each question I wanted to ask but hesitated for even a second, I would wait x time (whatever your comfortable with I usually did 3 days - 1 week) and if I still couldn't go on without the answer I would ask. So sorry you are here but post as much as you need



me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NM,

sorry you are here but welcome.

Everyone has a different level for the details they want to know. And while you can listen to our reasoning for each of our choices they are all different and you have to go with your need.

tsol summed it up best. However, I think this is good advice if you are considering R. Personally, if it were me and I had not planned to R with him, and we were not married, I would walk away and not ask the details. I don't think it would of helped me heal. It would of left me with more questions and pain with no answers as he would be out of my life.

If you are going to R, then it really depends on you. For me, I wanted everything he could remember. It exposed it for what it was and the thought of my WH having private details with this woman, to my exclusion I could not tolerate in R. However, I was fortunate his experience was a bad one , had it not been, that would of been tough to handle. You run that risk with the details.

Personally though, I would take serious issue with him refusing not to tell you who the OW were. How can you know there is NC then? It is likely people you know otherwise why the secrets? That would be a major sticking point with me if R is even on the table. Just food for thought.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 5:09 PM, February 21st (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys! So, just to catch up, this weekend was okay. Saturday was a pretty good day. I was positive and was in one of my ďI can do thisĒ moods. H and I went to dinner and to a movie; it was an enjoyable evening. Then comes Sunday and MondayÖback to my ďI canít do this and things will never get betterĒ mood. I kept telling my H that it just doesnít make sense and because I canít make sense of it, I canít stop thinking about. I mean, how do you go from talking about sex in ďgeneral termsĒ to being on the receiving end of a blow job? Sorry, Iím not buying it. And since all of this has happened, my H has been very willing to talk to me about things, but at the same time, he insists that it is so ďpainfulĒ for him that he doesnít like to go ďback thereĒ. So finally I told him that neither one of us will really heal until he can go ďback thereĒ. Not just for me, but for himself, he needs to go ďback thereĒ and understand what caused this behavior. If only so that he can recognize it in the future and prevent it. Anyway, today while he has been at work, he has been trying to visualize the whole situation Ė from before she came into his office until she left. This is something that heís never really done before. Heís only told me bits and pieces that he can remember without trying. Today though, he is actually trying. Heís trying to piece together all of it and get those memories back. Iíve talked to him a few times since he has started, and he is obviously a bit shaken up; but at the same time, he said some things are a little more clear. Heís been writing it all down for me (very detailed he said), so that hopefully we can better understand what led to that moment. We then have a MC appointment on Thursday, so Iím sure the new things that have come to light will need to be discussed with her. And then on Monday I have an appointment for AD. Iím hoping that all of this will be a start. I recognize that I will never ďunderstandĒ. However, the load of crap that heís been feeding me certainly doesnít help. And Iím sorry, but to simply say ďwe were talking about sex and I decided to stand up and tell her I was hard to tease her because I thought she wanted meĒ is just thatÖa load of crap.

Anyway, Iíll let you all know how it goes. Iím a bit nervous to hear these new things that have been remembered. I almost feel like Iím crazy for asking him to do this anyway. I mean, I know that he cheated. I know that he unzipped his pants so another woman could get down on her knees for him; so why do I feel like I need to know anymore than that? If I already know the worst, why do I insist on torturing myself with all the little details?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NM Ė check out my post right before this oneÖfor me, knowing EVERYTHING is very important. But for other people, the little details donít help. That is totally up to you; and ultimately, should be something that you should be given. As for knowing who the OW are, that was the first thing I asked my H when he told me about what he had done. His response: ďit doesnít matterĒ. I insisted though, that it did matter; because if he wouldnít have told me, I would have assumed that it was anyone and everyone that we had ever known. And if that was the case, how would I have acted with all those people? Just wondering if they were the ones that had ruined my marriage. Again though, totally up to you. You are the only one who knows what you need to heal.


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE: H spent 6 hours trying to put everything together for me. Problem: he was typing it in an email window and failed to remember that his email times out if it isn't used. So, when he pushed send, guess what? It all just disappeared. Is this a sign? Am I just not supposed to know all of this? I'm so frustrated. I am trying to be sympathetic to my H - I know he's frustrated, too. I mean, all that work for nothing. But damn it, I had hoped that this would help us. But again, maybe I'm just not supposed to know. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs- did the same thing. asked him to relive the experience start to finish and write the details down (ie what position, sequence of events). Ironically, you know what detail made me cry when I read it, it wasnt the sex or the bj or even him peforming oral on her (although this was a close second UGH!!!) It is when he told me she had a tongue ring and he remembered his mouth hurting the next day from kissing her. It made it SO real for me. She became real, not some faceless story. That personal intimacy of him kissing her made me sick. Sounds crazy I mean I know he had to of kissed her but for whatever reason, it is what stung the most.

I am telling you this because it will probably not be the big things that will devestate you. It may be a little detail of intimacy that hurts the most. I wanted you to be prepared.

For me, I am glad I asked him. The other benefit was seeing his expression when he came home from work(he did his at work too) and the utter look of disgust and emotional exhaustion on his face told me how difficult this process was. That helped to see as much as the details themselves. I do think there is a benefit if you can handle the details.
I filled in the gaps with the details and yes they played in my head but I think the process went much quicker knowing and being able to follow up with more questions until now, I really dont play the movie in my head much. I have sorta detached from the events themselves per say.

I hope that happens for you as well.

The up and down is so frustrating, I wish I could say it goes away at almost 8 months out, NOPE! The stretches in between are much longer and the episodes shorter in duration but its still here.

Keep us posted, vent here after you read if necessary. I will try and take a look back here tonight to make sure you are ok.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 2:23 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

I am thinking bout you and this upcoming weekend. Have you guys hashed out things as far as what he is expected to do to help you through the weekend?

tsol-how are things this week?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hurting. For now, given the mess up that my H had when he first tried to send me what he had typed out, Iíve decided that Iím just not ready. Iím not sure if I can handle anymore than what I already have. He says that not much is different, and I think Iíll just leave it at that. At the end of the day, he still cheated. At the end of the day, he still allowed it to happen. Maybe thatís all I need to know. And as I was sitting here when my H was on his way home from work, I realized that Iím in no frame of mind to learn anything new. So for now, Iím going to leave it as it is. We have a MC appointment on Thursday and Iíll bring it up there and see what our counselor suggests. Itís quite possible, that given my husbandís state of mind, that itís just not a good idea for either of us. And if it is, perhaps itís something we should do in counseling. Also, on Monday I have an appointment for ADís. Maybe I should just hold out on everything until Iím a little more stable; which I am certainly not stable now! In fact, Iím pretty darn crazy (at least I have been for most of February). Itís mind blowing because January was a pretty good month!

Thanks for sharing your story though. I think it helped me to make the best decision for NOW. I can see how the kissing part would have been difficult. I keep asking my H over and over if he kissed OW; I mean, just a blow job and she didn't even get a kiss? A part of me wants him to say yes, so that it will make sense; but at the same time, I know that would just be unbearable. I definitely agree though, it's the little things that hurt the worst; without a doubt. So am I some kind of sick-o that just wants to suffer? Instead of just letting it go and trying to move forward I keep insisting that there is more? For what exactly?

Anyway, right NOW I've decided that Iím just too vulnerable to go through anything else; as minor as it may seem to him! So, thanks for helping me make that decision!

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 8:23 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized that Iím in no frame of mind to learn anything new
.

Its definitely not good to obtain the info in this frame of mind. You have to mentally be ready for it I think you are making the right decision.

"At the end of the day, he still cheated. At the end of the day, he still allowed it to happen."

That is so true, and likely what your counselor will help you discover. I hope that realization helps you put some things to rest for you. In the end, its about finding peace.

For what its worth, I have had my anti anxiety meds for 5 days. Now its a as needed kind of thing, not like AD's. I have used it twice so far and it helped. It felt weird but it definitely calms my brain when I start to stress and things build. If anything, it has helped me to know I have it if I need it and I think that has taken alot off my shoulders. I hope you find some relief with the AD's.

((cs))

[This message edited by hurting38 at 9:24 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, thereís another thing that Iím worried about as well. My husbandís unfaithful act was well over a year ago; and for 10 months (before he told me), he tried to forget about it. He didnít think about what had happened (in detail), only that it happened and he hated himself for it. Since heís told me, heís stuck with the same story; yet Iíve filled his head with things that I think should have happened. Ways in which it would make more sense to me. And every time we talk about (which believe me, is a lot), he insists that he just doesnít remember all of the details. The rational side of me understands that; I mean, it was over a year ago, I wouldnít remember (in detail) a conversation from that long ago either (especially if I had tried to forget it). So Iím scared that Iím just pushing him too hard. Iím scared that if he really tries to go back there (without professional help), it could be damaging to him. Iíve even worried that heíll make it out to be the way I said it would be just to shut me up. The bottom line is this: I continue to my push my husband. I push, and push, and push. Any attempts weíve made at reconciling have failed because of me. I fully recognize that. I ask for everything, but give my husband absolutely nothing in return. I give him every reason to want to give up on me; Iím amazed that heís still here. But to be quite honest, he canít do anything right for me. So, with that being said, not only for my sanity, but for his sanity, I need to just back off!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N_M: I agree so much with this.

tsol summed it up best. However, I think this is good advice if you are considering R. Personally, if it were me and I had not planned to R with him, and we were not married, I would walk away and not ask the details. I don't think it would of helped me heal. It would of left me with more questions and pain with no answers as he would be out of my life.

If you are going to R, then it really depends on you. For me, I wanted everything he could remember. It exposed it for what it was and the thought of my WH having private details with this woman, to my exclusion I could not tolerate in R. However, I was fortunate his experience was a bad one , had it not been, that would of been tough to handle. You run that risk with the details.

Personally, I knew I'd stay with him. So I wanted to know everything, down to what her shoes looked like.

Unfortunately for me, he was so drunk that most of those details were just gone.

I knew what I pictured in my mind was this porno fantasy scene with a gorgeous girl who looked like a Victoria's Secret model.

The reality was far less sexy and far more seedy, sad, and pointless (paid for sex and couldn't even get an erection, my husband fails at cheating).

It drives me nuts that there are blanks that will never be filled in, but some people don't want those blanks filled.

hurting and candy, whether or not they kissed was something that bothered me a LOT. He couldn't answer that. The tongue ring thing would drive me nuts, too.

One detail that really drove me bananas was that, even though they didn't have sex, he would have had sex with her if he had been physically capable - with a condom. I had just stopped breastfeeding at the time but was waiting to go on the pill until my cycle regulated (sorry for TMI) so we were having to use condoms at the time. And oh, the COMPLAINING he did about how much condoms suck and how much he hated them. He almost acted like sex with me, with a condom, wasn't worth the trouble. yet he'd pay $200 for the privelege of having sex with some stranger with a condom. Nice to see where I rank, huh? I'm over that now, but at the time, man it pissed me off.

The bottom line is this: I continue to my push my husband. I push, and push, and push. Any attempts weíve made at reconciling have failed because of me. I fully recognize that. I ask for everything, but give my husband absolutely nothing in return. I give him every reason to want to give up on me; Iím amazed that heís still here. But to be quite honest, he canít do anything right for me. So, with that being said, not only for my sanity, but for his sanity, I need to just back off!

Gently, my dear, don't blame yourself. There wouldn't be any need for reconcilliation if he hadn't cheated. Be easy with yourself. This is difficult stuff.

I didn't see if you'd updated - have you started taking the ADs? Do you think they're helping? I wonder if it might be good to wait until they've helped stabilize your moods before you get more details. That might help you process things better. ((candy))

hurting, glad to see the anti-anxiety meds are helping! My husband's doc prescribed some for him after the ONS and I took some of his a few times. They really are wonderful things.

tsol, hon, how are you? It seems like things have been rough for you lately. ((tsol))

hurting, we're pretty good. I posted a lot in general and recon about the trip. His travel companion seems like he's wanting to go out and party this weekend, but my H said that he's having none of it and is even getting separate rooms so he won't be tempted to drink with this guy. He was quite enthusiastic about putting together a Plan to help reassure me - he likes concrete actions. He told me he'd do whatever I wanted him to do to reassure me. I had this brief fantasy yesterday of leaving the baby with my mom and driving six hours to surprise him, and finding condom wrappers in his trash can, but I squelched that.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6144 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Not_Married
♀ New Member
Member # 31272
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. Not planning to R now but deep down think it could be a small possibility in the future. Iím just trying to concentrate on myself but also want to be able to move past it. He traveled for work, several months in one location, and usually did not have contact with people at one location after he left. He told me approximate timeframes so I can guess where he was at that point, but never met any of the coworkers let alone can even really remember their names. Like many other stories Iíve read here blamed the incidents on being completely drunk. Claims each was isolated but who really knows, especially when he stayed in hotel rooms all week during our entire relationship. He said on the day he told me that if I still needed to know who they were in a few days I could call to get the information. That would be my only point in contacting him now, and am not sure it really matters or if it would help my recovery in anyway. Will I always wonder who they were though?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2011
hurting38
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Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry my posts are so long these days!

paid for sex and couldn't even get an erection, my husband fails at cheating).
- i laughed out loud at this one! Its a good thing for him to have failed at Jana!

So your WH had paid for the package of oral and sex but was too drunk to complete things? Is that correct? If so, yeah I would of been really pissed about the whole condom thing too! Next time you are in that position and a condom is used, I would tell him he owes you $200 and see what he says! Ok not good advice , I know!

I saw your original post about this weekend but did not look to see if you followed up on your post. So glad he is making the right plans... for what its worth, it seems like he has his head on the straightest out of all of our WH's. I know it doesn't make it much easier to cope, but from the outside looking in, I am very hopeful for you two!

CS-

I continue to my push my husband. I push, and push, and push. Any attempts weíve made at reconciling have failed because of me. I fully recognize that. I ask for everything, but give my husband absolutely nothing in return. I give him every reason to want to give up on me; Iím amazed that heís still here. But to be quite honest, he canít do anything right for me. So, with that being said, not only for my sanity, but for his sanity, I need to just back off!

First off, I agree with Jana, you would not be here had he not cheated so go easy on yourself. Second, believe it or not, I think this is a normal phase too CS! I remember being here like you. I was my own worst enemy in R! I wondered too how much patience my FWH was going to have with me! This is normal and part of the process.

I sent this info below to my FWH one day...it really helped him. this was from the wayward forum written by a WS for WS's about BS's......

Fight for them til the death!
Do whatever you need to do to heal you and them.
If they are showing you love on a good day hang on to that through the dark days.
You will have dark days. They will have dark days. But have the memory of how they feel about you after the A on a good day see you through the bad days.
Your BS's are in pain. The pain is more than we can really grasp. Show them your love. Be open, honest, transparent. Speak their love language. If their langauge is touch. For heaven's sake touch them!
Don't wallow in what you did. Fix it. They are giving you that chance to fix it.
There are a handful of BS's here that I feel truly want to R with their mates. '
They need to feel safe with you/us. They need us to help them. We have to rise above all our issues and be strong for them. The success of your relationship depends on it!
That doesn't mean don't fix our issues. It just means that is just as important.
Tell them you are sorry.
Tell them you love them.
Speak their language.
Treat them as the special people that they are.
They are NOT our second choice. Tell them why!
Tell them why you love them. Everything about them. Even if it sounds silly.
Tell them that you have no anger towards them. That whatever may have pissed you off in the past is forgiven and forgotten and what you did is NOT their fault.
Don't wonder why they are still there. THANK THEM they are there.
They will be mad at you. They will seem like they hate you. But remember the times in between.
We didn't fight when we they needed us to fight before. We must fight now!


POST #2 FROM A CHEATING SPOUSE---- (D DAY IS DISCOVERY OF AFFAIR DAY)

Oh lord the early days of Dday. Those dark days are enough for me never to do this again. They were awful. Simply awful. I wasn't sure I would survive..
@Bestrong
They will want to give up. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I'm out. I'm done. I want a D". I still hear them.
In those early dark days, it was really hard. I told myself that I was going to stick this out no matter what. I was not going to be the one that quit. I would not pack him. I would not leave our bed. I would not leave the house (even when it was probably safer that I did).
I let him say the words. I respond back with "That is not what I want. I respect how you feel. I would prefer you don't go".
I resolved myself to basically "chasing him down" if he left. I would try and date and him and still fight for him.
I know my H really well. He wants to see that I will fight for him.
On cases that they really and truly want to go. Then obviously let them go. However, if there is still a door that's opened even a crack try and get it opened. Let him know you love him.
Write him, text him. Tell him youíre sorry.
Don't come across obsessive, it won't help.
Be resolved to now matter what you want him and tell him why you do.
Don't always take what they say personally and as fact.
I want a divorce statement could simply mean, I don't know how to escape this pain so I want out.
It might also be followed with "Please be good today"
That last statement is your crack in what you thought was a closed door

I really like the comment to fight for them (BS's). In a way, I think my craziness at some level, in part, an attempt to push him away. I needed him to continue to fight for me through all the mess he made. I sent him this post a day before my meltdown involving threatening to post everything on FB! At the time I didnt even realize how handy this info would be for him to read!

What helped me get through this craziness I was expressing? IC. I dont know if you do this but I use to write things down on a notebook during the week that upset me to discuss in IC. If it was an image, thought, incident etc.. It helped me focus on the things I really needed to (otherwise I could go on and on for hours in a jumbled mess with my therapist, overwhelming us both). It also helped because my therapist and I began to see themes in my thought processes and were able to tackle things that were eating away at my core. It really helped focus our sessions and start working on my own issues at the center of this all.

The reason I point this out is I can feel the confusion and "madness" of all this shit floating around in your head . Sometimes, there is so much, you dont know where to start. I have been there, I know its not a fun place to be.

nm-good luck to you and post back here as often as you like.

tsol? You doing ok?

Anyone else lurking?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

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