hope all is well. Been having a pretty good week. We got hit with about 15 inches of snow last week and the kids were home for 4 days. I dont remember our school district ever closing for 4 days in the 13 plus years I have lived down here! It was nice being with the kids and makes me realize in the perfect world, working part time and being home with the kids would be ideal.
The site has been a bit quiet so i assume that means the regulars are doing well I hope?
Some bit of good news, my FWH and I did our taxes and it appears that we are going to have enough money for he and I to go to San Diego this year to see his son for a week! Due to his schooling, there is no way he is going to be able to come out this year so the option was going to be to send FWH out for an extended weekend without me or if we could afford it, we go together.
He was SO relieved when I mentioned the idea of me going, and now its looking pretty good for us to go for a week. We are going to try to get something on or near the beach around san diego and spend part of the time with his son and part of the time alone. We have been together 5 /12 years and have never taken a WEEK long vacation anywhere! Even when we flew out to Vegas to get married we were gone only 3 days.
In fact, I realized its been 12 years since I went anywhere for a week without my kids! Yikes!
The best part of this was that we were discussing the trip over the weekend and I was showing him my ideas for where to stay. He is more familiar with the area, I have never been to the west coast so I asking him about where to stay and mentioned acutally finding something in San Diego so there would be things for us to do. He stated that he would prefer not to actually stay in San Diego , when I asked why the look on his face said it all. He commented that he did not want to go near that city again and the thought of being there and having me there with him after all the damage he caused there just makes him sic . Is it weird to get pleasure out of that comment? It was such a sincere comment, and i could see the digust and pain in his eyes. Boy, its those kinds of comments that mean so much more when unsolicited.
So we are probably going to look at somewhere north of san diego, (probably oceanside). It was really nice because he seems truely excited otherwise to be going there with me. He is talking about all the places we "have" to go eat (he lived in the area for several years after boot camp/his service). We are also thinking about taking a visit to Pendelton since we will be so close to see the base. He seems excited to show me these things from his past, it was really nice.
Just thought I would share, its been a much better week.
How is everyone else?
Sometimes when you have an exit strategy, it can be very enpowering for you and can be a good wake up call for the WS to see that you are capable and will go on without them
(I feel like my title should be changed to She Who Posts A Lot of Links to Other SI Pages )
IC would help you work through your thoughts and feelings regarding WH. I think in every case there is confusion but he is definitely not helping that by switching sides all the time. Has he read that post I put up a while ago? If so, I think maybe he should read it more, like every night before bed until it clicks for him.
He says that it only happened once and that he never saw her aging and that it meant nothing to him, that he loves me and wants me to stay but does not have the energy to go through what I am putting him through. I see a lot of unfamiliar behavior in him and wonder if it is because of my attitude or because of something else?
Hurting has said pretty much everything constructive (minus my rant there) that I would have told you. I would suggest grabbing a pen and paper and begin paragraph by paragraph.
That sounds like a great trip and I'm glad you can go together and hope you have a great time.
I've been doing ok as well. Were slowly working through issues, baby steps one at a time. I think overall we've gone like 1 block in the 5 1/2 months, but it's something.
Can you consider an MC who has experience in A? I don't remember, is your wh in IC? He's really not doing his part in this and if I give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying, he needs someone to get through to him to say, "this is normal"
I do feel that writing things down helps if only to organize your thoughts. If you think it might have more of an impact on him, try writing him a letter of what you're feeling (this depends on each ws, my ws reacts more when he sees emotion).
What can I do to make this better?
What kind of things should be on the list?
Is he different because of how I feel or because he has stepped out og the relationship for something and it is hard for me to face me?
I want so much to feel the way I used to but nothing seems to help
Also I realized the post I was referencing was on the page before you "got here". Incase you didn't see it:
Here's two other's that I really like:
And what the heck, one more
I hope any one of these helps
Because I think I've sounded a little harsh,
I never did the 180 on my husband, but I did learn how to detach myself a bit instead of letting my emotions rule me (unlike sweet tsol, I tend to get verrrrry angry!). It helps so, so, so much when you step back from the anxiety or anger and really examine what you're feeling, really think about what it is you want to say. And I can tell you I get a better response and have a better conversation with my husband 100% of the time when I do that. Worth a shot. I think in your case, 180 is very appropriate!
tsol, glad to hear you're making progress! Slow progress still = progress!
Hurting, that sounds great, I hope you guys have a wonderful trip. I'm glad this week has been better for you!
Baby Green's been sick, endless drama with ear infections, second course of antibiotics for this go around and her left eardrum has ruptured. Now she has a virus on top of that, complete with coughing, fever, runny nose, and lack of appetite. The lack of appetite stresses me out because our girl is in the 65% for height but just 10% for weight - she doesn't have any weight to lose! So between juggling work and sick baby and Mr. Green's business, we are all exhausted in our house. Thus my radio silence.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 8:14 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]
My youngest had tubes. Everyone kept telling me, oh he is the youngest, they take longer to talk and walk but i knew something was not right. I had to insist on an ear exam which showed he had fluid on his ears. He also got alot of ear infections. He was 1 1/2 years when he finally got the surgery, he was not speaking and stumbling around walking. After the surgery, it was night in day in his development. Not to scare you, but even though it was caught fairely early, he still has to receive speech services because the first 1 1/2 of his life, it was like he was underwater when he heard anything. He is doing really well but still gets the services. I dont mean to stress you but push this issue until you get the results you want. Insist on an ENT referral from your pediatrician. I feel for you, i remember working and dealing with that too!
good advice from jana and tsol, I ditto everything they say. You can do this !!!!!
I have eventually found the angry-tsol. I don't like her much but she's lingering around. And I will back up the tubes, I had them for who knows how long but I was ear infection after ear infection as well. Definitely keep pushing the issue.
I had a lot of troubles with movies and music after dday as well. Eventually I went on the "no media diet". As weird as it sounds (for me at least) I would drive around with no radio. Complete silence and at first it was just as bad being alone with my thoughts but eventually it got easier to steer them. And if I was in a good mood I wasn't afraid of being crushed by a trigger song. Now I often don't notice if I'm sitting in silence, but I have resumed media consumption.
These all hurt me so much, he has pulled away from me and the kids and the house and he says it is because he has a lot on his mind but it feels like more to me. I keep choking it up to the way I feel, the way I go through everyday holding back tears because I am so tired of crying, I am emotionally tired
want everything normal again and it will never happen, we are tainted forever and I see that things will never be the same.
I just keeping asking why me, what did I do to deserve this, why doesn't anybody understand how much this hurts, then I come here and read and I know that there are many that hurt just as much or more than I do. I have not told him about this site because I am not sure what his reaction will be. I really wish that the feelings would go away but with so many things reminding me how can they.
that is what I want to do, how, I don't know but I am tired of doubting his every move and thought and thhinking that this is all going to happen again, I am working very hard on getting rid of those thoughta and living one day at a time. it is hard.
You commented on one of my posts last week (my H sent me an email about his “wishes”). Since then, I’ve kind of fallen apart. I’m not sure why, but I seem to be in a place that’s even worse than D-day. I was doing so well…and now, well, not so much. I’m kind of just going through the motions. I wish I could be as strong as all of you are! You, Jana, and Tsol are so positive and encouraging (at least as of lately!!). And here I am – just can’t seem to get myself out of my funk. I haven’t been able to eat, haven’t been sleeping; and I just don’t understand. I was doing so well. GRRRRRRR.
Triggers are the worst. You are still so fresh into this, they are completely normal. Just this weekend, my FWH ended up turning off an episode of south park because it related to infidelity. I listened to about 2 minutes of it and looked at him and he got the message and turned it off. It doesn't feel like it but it does get better, the triggers. IC helped me immensely with that , reframing the negative thoughts I was having.
I cant stress enough IC IC IC .....it doesnt seem fair that we have to "fix" ourselves when we did not create the mess, but it is the reality of the situation.
just want everything normal again and it will never happen, we are tainted forever and I see that things will never be the same.
Again, how did i do it, with time and good counselor. Sucks but is true. Notice I did not mention anything about my WH. While a remorseful and committed WH helps with R, these other things have to come from within yourself. That is why we here are pounding you with the 180 and IC. It is all too much for most of us to handle alone. You need support, if not for your sake than for your children's sake. They need their mom, I dont care what age they are.
TSOL gave you some great advice on her last post, re-read it, take it slow and stop beating yourself up for not "getting over it". This is devastating stuff.
Hugs to you
[This message edited by hurting38 at 1:52 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]
Ha! I laugh because I am the queen of flip flop here! Look at my jan threads and you will see what I mean on this forum. The ones about me a click away of posting on FB every detail by WH gave me about the ONS!!!! Yeah, it was ugly! ( i didnt thank God!) We all have our days, this is SO normal.
I hope my response wasnt your trigger, I assume it was the email itself. It was a lovely email but it brings up alot, love ,loss, issues of forgiveness, and remorse. It summerizes it all and that is overwhelming.
-------The only way around is through-----------
You've got to muddle through it all. Feel it, purge it out of your system before you can move on. Sad but true. Next time, it will hurt again, but just a touch less, then next time,the same thing. The roller coaster's peaks and valleys will come with less frequency and those valleys will start to get shorter in duration. Then you know you are making progress. It will come in time.
In the meantime, we are all here for one another for those valleys (and peaks).
I am so sorry for your WH and the stress this mess has put on his relationship with his son. I know it just must add to the overall crappiness of the situation and the last thing you want to see is him falling back into his funk (I worry about this all the time with my WH).
Know that it comes as no surprise to me at least you are feeling this way. Try to turn towards your WH in these moments when all you want to do it run away. Its so important I found for the two of you.
Keep posting and letting us know how its going.
TSOL- YEAH! Sounds like some productive talks with BF! So happy for you.
Ok, case in point about flip flopping.....
Had a semi bummed few hours yesterday where I needed to talk about some more things specific to the ONS and in general to make sure he was here because he wanted to be, not that he felt guilty at the thought of cheating on me and then leaving(staying out of fear of how he would look).
We had a mini sobering discussion at lunch today about the email and our relationship. He was open and very frank which I appreciated but made me realize that we both are concerned about the future of our marriage. However, we both feel its worth fighting for and I guess for now that's gonna have to be good enough. It was so calm but sad to look at what damage was done but it also magnifies an area non A related that we have struggled with that come into view now. Mostly control issues and compromise that comes with marriage. Even though we lived together, we ran the household as a renter/landlord type of situation ( I bought the house, my name is on it). I pretty much ran things independently of him.
Anyway, its just amazing how infidelity just highlights the areas that were already struggling with.
hurting, I think it's good that you guys had such a frank talk. Acknowledging that there are issues and even worries about your future is scary as hell, but it's so good that you're both willing to fight for your marriage. ((HURTING))
(((((WTBL))))) - please continue to vent away. And I was completely serious earlier today - anyone who tells you you need to "get over this" or any variation of that message doesn't know what they're talking about. Easy for them to say, right?
hard_yards, thanks again for the info and the PM. I got the name of a specialist today and I am going to request her records tomorrow.
tsol - hey lady.
Sometimes those memories hurt more than anything, I love having fun and telling jokes, cooking and cleaning and making scrapbooks, now that it is gone, I know it will come back but for now the feelings I have everyday make it impossible to laugh.
I was told that I am in post dramatic stress disorder I don't even know what that is.
I just know that this is not who I am and I hate h for this. I want to be fun and happy again, where did I go?
This is such a hard process to work through. I wish I could ease some of your pain right now by telling you that things do get better but you will only be able to find that out for yourself.
Time. It can be a very awful word. When I found out about stbxh ONS I think the word 'time' was one of my most hated 4-letter words
It really doesn't help your healing when you feel you're not getting the truth and he tries to minimize your hurt by telling you to get over it. It also really doesn't help when they say 'it didn't mean anything' because why in the heck did you do it...then we are thankful it didn't mean anything either.
It's a scary and confusing place to be but keep posting and working through your thoughts and feelings on SI. Time and SI will help.
Jana – yes, he’s a good guy. Before that day, he was a great husband…we had a good life. I absolutely adored him! And just like now, he did everything for me then. The only difference was I did the same for him. It’s kind of sad that I just don’t ever want to do anything for him now.
Part of what really gets to me is that I knew the OW. I didn’t have a close relationship with her or anything, but she worked for my H so I had met her a few times. In addition, what when down occurred in his office, and there were tons of pictures of me all over his office. So my big question is: What was she thinking? I feel like it would give me some peace if I could just call her and talk to her. But for the sake of my H’s career, I can’t do that which really sucks. I struggle, too, with trying to understand how my H was able to forget about me in those few minutes. I mean, they were talking about porn together, and my H was sharing very personal and private information about him and I with her – that part of it is almost worse than the physical act. So I almost feel like he used to me to get what he wanted from her. He said that she seemed interested in what he was saying; so he took that to mean that she wanted him. So when she was getting ready to walk out of his office, he decided to stand up and tell her that he was hard just to “tease” her. WTF??? And the fact that you had a wife at home waiting for you never crossed your mind? That’s where I really get stuck. And to be honest, I really don’t think she wanted to give him a BJ. When he said he was hard, she just said “I see”. My H then walked around to the side of his desk and looked down and kind of motioned downward. It was then that she approached him. I cannot imagine that she was thinking “Oh yeah, I really want to suck his dick”. You know? So when she approached him, I’m more inclined to think that it was out of fear…or confusion…and because she just didn’t know what else to do. I mean, he was her freaking boss for crying out loud. She was 22 and my husband was 36. She was in the middle of a separation from her H and had a young baby at home. Of course, I could be wrong…and maybe she just does like to give head to men that she barely knows!
! I really wish that I could just call her and talk to her, but I can’t and I hate that! And the other thing is, she’s not even cute. I mean, I can understand why she would have had a “crush” on my H. But she’s not all that. She did mention to him during their conversation that her and some of the other girls that worked there had often talked about how hot he was. GRRRRRR.
But I get stuck at the part where my H forgot about; because I just can’t believe that he could forget about me. He says that he never intended for any of that to happen. And once it started, he claims that he snapped out of his “fantasy porn” world and realized that it was wrong. But still. I wish he would have been at a bar and was out of his mind drunk. Then maybe I’d understand. But he wasn’t. He was completely sober…in his office…risking EVERYTHING. Really??
My H is a good man. He’s a good father. In our 10 years together, he’s never been anything but good to me. This was a onetime thing; a onetime thing that he told me about even though I never would have found out. So why can’t I get over it?
Then only coversation we have is about bills, he says he can't talk to me because we only talk about the same thing.
I can count on one hand the nice things he has said to me since I found out.
I am left alone to wonder about his feelings and how we are going survive his mistake.
He has said over and over again, he is only human, he made a mistke and he is sorry, than if I try to say something he chnages the subject or walks out of the room.
I have lost 50 pounds since I found out and this has affected my ability to function as a mom and a person. He seems to be jsut fine, he does say that jsut because he doen't show his feelings does not mean he does not have any.
I just think that the ONS showed me who he really is and maybe it did change his feelings about me.