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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,
Thanks for the reference, I lurked his posts here and I think it helped to see his side of things a lot

Hurting,
I still can't imagine 4 triggers in one day. That should be illegal, or something. I completely understand wanting to "expose" the idea, but I'm glad you didn't. I felt the same way, however wbf told his whole family, therefore I had no one left to tell. Which might be good. I don't spend enough time on facebook to bother posting it there, I would sign in one day and have 10000 responses to deal with. You want to know what's horrible?...well in the grand scheme of things not horrible but ironic? Earlier in the year we had joked about how "nothing is official until it's on facebook" and said we should say "it's complicated" as your relationship status as an experiment. It's was total joking around but after this year...yuck to think about. Anyways...(tsol, stop tangent-ing) (But before I leave my thoughts about facebook I want to go back to the Pre-Facebook world! Anyone remember those lovely days?...)

He admitted that he was but not of his ex but of the guy getting to be with his son.
I was going to ask you if that's what he was jealous of when I read the first line. I think it's very possible. My sister is in a ...not similar situation....long story I will t/j it another day because it's completely irrelevant to any of our discussions here but she often get's jealous of her xbf's gf's because they spend more time with her son than she does. And she's not even doing the things your wh is doing so I can only imagine it's hard for him.

However, these days, I dont trust my instincts on anything I thought I knew. I have no other reason to be suspicious of the two of them, I think I have become my own worst enemy here.

You took the words out of my mouth. I feel I do have legitimate reasons for concern right now but one of my biggest issues is I take an idea and run with it. And run. and run....so what might be one issue I connect in the most obscure ways to everything and anything I can.

I've been at this post for 2 hours I'm so anti-functional right now....sleep would be nice. Back to topic.

I think I'm "up tracking" through your post now, but could it be that you are feeling more insecure about how he reacted to your interest in the pictures he's looking at than the actual pictures themselves? I get being upset about the pictures but his reaction I think definitely added to the mix.

Hurting, you are very pretty (and I can actually say that now ). I truly don't find models very attractive. They are overdone and over-hyped. They often get so sucked into "being the best model" that they lose their personality. (I had a friend who went into modelling and she was very pretty. But once she got into it, it sucked her dry. There was no depth left to her)

I don't recognize me anymore either. Sometimes I can see that this has made me stronger but other times I just see such a different person there is no comparison. I've never been emotional, I bottle all that up and set it a-sail. If I can't bottle it, I cry alone and then work through it. When I say work I don't mean deal with it, I mean I will do WORK and forget about it until it's gone. Now I'm never not emotional. I question everything, even of people I don't know. I've lost trust in people as a whole.

Now I really need to find that post I was talking to lala about. Maybe someone read it.
Now this post I speak of, here's what I know of it:
-it was posted in JFO, gen or recon (really tsol? really?)
-it was a topic on I *THINK* the ws not listening to bs feelings or something on those lines
-it started out with replier saying "this was one of the first posts I read on si..."
essentially here's the story, however the story itself is a lot better, it might help you know if it you find it.
WS didn't want to talk or hear about bs's feelings, from that very day bs never shared or eluded to feeling anything negative regarding A. WS thought everything was going great, they were R-ed and life was fixed. A few years later bs died in a car accident and ws find's BS's journal that started on dday and continued until the accident. The journal documented how much pain the bs felt and how much resentment had built from not being able to share feelings. Then the ws felt horrible and there was nothing ws could do to fix it.

I read it a while ago, I'm not sure if it's even active anymore (I hope it is, it was a good story) but I'll keep searching

I don't remember who any of the posters were just that it was a reply that really showed how bad things can get if you pull away. It's hard, especially when WS doesn't respond appropriately btdt If you don't want to celebrate your anniversary you can turn the whole weekend into a birthday party for tsol (Friday) I'm not thrilled really. Wbf definitely failed the last one and I don't have much confidence that he's figured out his life much more.

I'm jumping in on the pity party no worries hurting. I would explain but....can't even wrap my head around it. Going to get a facial tomorrow (free ) so maybe I'll be in a clearer mindset to discuss.

As far as candles go, I don't think you understand. At least for me, the candles will be made and then immediately removed from my possession. Who knows who might get a candle thrown at his head


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah to mr green for recognizing the trigger and stepping up! I guess that would be a hard one to miss though,but kudos anyway. Sounds like things are a little steadier for you, that is good.

We of course talked some more last night, i did not split hairs with him. I just asked him to give me a break and explained how it was hard for me to see him jealous about the situation . Because this thing with his son is so closely tied in with the ONS, the anxiety and irrationalness kicks in. I just cant be sure about what he said about the picture so I will leave it at that.

.

Now I'm never not emotional. I question everything, even of people I don't know. I've lost trust in people as a whole
.

I hear you, I am the same. I hope i find myself again someday.

his ex is very high maintenence (1 1/2 hours to put her face on!) and to say she is dumb as a box of rocks is an insult to the rocks. I know it sounds like a jealous wife but even his family laughs about how dumb she is. Wh said plain and simple , I was a marine, she was arm candy that I accidentally knocked up. He gets off the phone with her at times and will say I cant explain a thing to her, she is just clueless,LOL.

Like you said tsol, I run with stupid things...this is all about his son, i really know this in my heart. Its just the ONS has scewed everything for me.

Will let you know how the weekend goes, I will have a beer or glass of wine in your honor on friday night, happy 15th birthday, lol (you know I had to make an age joke!). Hope you man does right by you on that day!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 6:34 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted my post last night (the one that took me 3 hours) and in that time Jana got her post in first, so I would also like to high five Mr. Green. Easy to spot or not he had the option of choosing to deal with it or to avoid and he made the right choice. So high fives.

hurting, half the time I will get upset about something (like he didn't call me). I can think rationally with a tiny sliver of my brain and say "he's at work". But then the other insecure, anxiety, psychoness kicks in and says "nope, he quit his job, ran off to Las Vegas and you will never hear from him again because he will have sex all the time. With everyone" I can hear both parts at the same time, the problem is Miss Rational is whispering and Miss Psycho screams. It's a crazy place to be.

An hour and a half?? What the heck does she do to it? Mold it out of plastic, put it in the over and wait? In our relationship wbf is the woman. Well not really, I'm just more efficient at getting ready, I can do all that I need in half an hour and be ready to go. He will have a shower and be half dressed in an hour. He doddles.

And I'm turning 16 ok...*sigh*. Just kidding, that would mean we would have started dating at...11. Weird. I'm off to lurk around some more in my strange funk of a mood....maybe I should go check to see if the gym is full still. That could probably help. Figures the one time I choose to go it's full.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know it tsol, the gym is always full in january but thins out by february, damn people and their new years resolution. I guess there is a silver lining for being on restricted exercise since the surgery.

As u guys can tell this is a tough week for me since I have been on here alot.

I almost hesitate to write this cause I dont want to introduce questions in your situations that may cause triggers or problems. Keep that in mind, and I will apologize if that is exactly what this does.

I have been asking more questions about the ONS in regard to his mindset lately and less of the details per say. I already knew that during his conversation with the OW at the bar (from what he can recall) the fact that he was married was never brought up although he did have his ring on. I asked him " at any point in the night, from the moment she asked u back to her hotel, the walk to her hotel, during the "acts", did I ever even pop into your mind for a milisecond?" Whether it was a natural comparison, a fleeting thought of geez this is bad but then the alcohol or bad judgement pushed it aside. The answer was NO. He said it was almost like he "forgot" he was married. Don't jump him on this one , he so recognizes how ridiculous that sounds. The point he was making was all he felt was numb and he nothing was running through his mind.

My question to you guys and those lurking that have not responded in awhile.....

Is this a ? you asked your WS? If so, is it easier for you to accept that he never even gave you a thought, or that he thought about how it was wrong and made the misguided decision to go forward with it after considering you.

i will save my comments until after some responses.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:28 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, I have the same thing, I contradict myself all the time. ALL the time. It's not just A-related but I've started noticing it more now. It sucks, makes you feel crazy! When Miss Psycho is screaming, I try to disengage from the situation for a while. Sometimes that works. Sometimes not so much. And I'm a doddler too, so I identify with your BF on that one.


Hurting, to answer your question - my husband can't remember what happened that night for the most part. He remembers bits and pieces. He remembers sitting at the bar doing shots with some guy who was there for his 21st b-day. He remembers Assbrain neighbor taking his phone and saying he's going to call an escort service. He remembers lying in the bed in the hotel room before the girls got there. He THINKS he answered the door. He THINKS one of the girls ("his" hooker, I guess ) was skinny and the other one was "bigger." He remembers being in the bathroom with his ass pressed against the vanity and the girl in front of him. He can't remember if she had clothes on or not. He didn't even know whether or not they had sex until he called her and asked her about it (they did not. He was too drunk to get it up. Only unsuccessful oral. THANK GOD). So when I ask him, did you think of me? Did you forget I existed? Did you just not care?, he has no idea. He cannot remember.

When I went through his phone records, I saw all kinds of calls back and forth from his phone to the escort service and to his voice mail. AND TWO CALLS TO ME sandwiched in between the calls to the service. The calls were something like two and four minutes each. I don't remember talking to him, but probably I was half-asleep and talked to him a bit. So given the timing of those calls, he probably spoke to the escort service at least a few times, and also talked to me. How could he NOT have been thinking of me? He doesn't know, and we'll NEVER know, because things that happen during an alcoholic blackout (even a fragmentary one) don't get recorded as memories. That data is lost and will never be retrieved. So maybe he thought of me, maybe he didn't. We'll never know. The one thing I do know is that he has no desire to ever drink again, so I'm thanking God for that.

ETA: God. Writing that didn't make me trigger, but I feel like I need a nap. Or a cigarette. And I don't smoke and never have.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:48 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and ladies thanks for the kudos to Mr. Green for recognizing the trigger. He is sometimes dense but he does try.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND TWO CALLS TO ME sandwiched in between the calls to the service. So given the timing of those calls, he probably spoke to the escort service at least a few times, and also talked to me. How could he NOT have been thinking of me.

I am so sorry, I can hear the anger and frustration in your post in not having answers for sure. My WH recalls almost no account of their conversation at the bar, he can only recall a "sense" that she was very flirty but honestly does not remember any of what was said only that they talked about where they were from. That is it. That is maddening that he cant give me details about that little part. I am so sorry.

Would it be easier for you if those calls had not been there sandwitched in between the escort calls?

I would tend to think the same way you did, that he must of thought of me on some level at some point to call. Is that better or worse than to not have even had you as a fleeting thought?

[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:55 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it be easier for you if those calls had not been there sandwitched in between the escort calls?

I would tend to think the same way you did, that he must of thought of me on some level at some point to call. Is that better or worse than to not have even had you as a fleeting thought?

Yes, it would have been better for me had the calls to me and the calls to his voicemail not happened so close, time wise, to the escort calls. Because he told me that he remembered Assbrain Neighbor taking his phone to look up the escort service, I assumed in my mind that he (neighbor) was the one who made the calls. It was a majorly bad day when I printed out the phone records and saw in black and white that it only made sense, given the timing, that my husband had made some or all of the calls to the service after assbrain looked up the number.

And he'd told me from the beginning that he didn't know who had made the calls, it might have been him or it might have been the neighbor. We knew the calls were made by his phone, but that was all (neighbor kept borrowing H's blackberry all weekend, because he conveniently had no service where they were. Yeah right. He didn't want any EVIDENCE on his phone. I sincerely believe he fully intended to get laid on this trip one way or another before they ever pulled out of our neighborhood).

H never tried to put any of the blame on our neighbor and always told me NOT to do so, but I have. He told me that he (husband) is fully responsible for everything he did regardless of what neighbor did or what his intentions were. Whatever. H has been on dozens of similar trips and nothing like this had happened. I don't believe he harbored a secret desire to fuck a whore. I've seen him when he gets very drunk. He's very easily led. He has no clue what's going on. Usually that's not a problem because he's either with me, or with his real friends who would never suggest such a thing and who I believe would discourage him from doing anything stupid.

Argh, sorry, I didn't answer your question.

The thought of, were you thinking of me, were you not thinking of me, did you forget me, bothered me a lot at first. Now it just feels academic. There was no logical thought. There was nothing rational going on.

I honestly don't know if it's better if he were thinking of me or not thinking of me. Either option is pretty horrible. Do you watch South Park? There's an episode where they have to vote on a school mascot. The choices are either a Giant Douche or a Shit Sandwich. That's kind of how that choice feels. You can't really win either way. Either I'm so unimportant that you completely forgot me, or you're so selfish that you just don't care. Ya know?

I'm just sorry that your H (and mine, and tsol's BF, and poopy's BF, and the other ladies on here as well) has put you in the position where you even have to think about this. It's unfair that it's even part of your life to think about it. For that, I am truly truly sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not so much that the gym was too full. It's more that the gym isn't big enough. It's just a small one in my building so when there are 3 people there and 3 functional machines it's "full" Darn company won't put any money into fixing the equipment, I want my treadmill. Stuck with the bike, don't like it

Don't worry about introducing the question I think it was like #3 out of my mouth. He, who wasn't drunk (few enough that he could still drive home however I question whether or not that's another issue of the night, maybe there was more drinking and maybe he drove when he shouldn't have an knows I will kill him for that one)(ow was drunk) says that he didn't forget about me but I didn't cross his mind. Well, I think that means he forgot in a "nice way"

Shoot battery dying...will continue later...


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

says that he didn't forget about me but I didn't cross his mind.

Isn't it amazing the things that come out of their mouths?

For me (sorry, I'm being a total post whore today) the question that bothers me much more than whether he was thinking of me that night, is why he stayed there for another day and night, AND went out drinking the next night, calling and texting me the whole time like nothing was wrong. . . then when he got home it hit him like a ton of bricks, the guilt and the subsequent sickness from the guilt. I asked him about that, and he said he guessed he was in "some kind of denial . . out of sight, out of mind." I can accept what he did blind drunk, but to go out and play golf the next day with Assbrain? Texting me about how he needed to get me a new ring? Calling me that night so I could listen to how good some random dude was at singing karaoke? Asking me to send him pictures of various parts of my anatomy after he'd had too much to drink THAT night as well?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thought of, were you thinking of me, were you not thinking of me, did you forget me, bothered me a lot at first. Now it just feels academic. There was no logical thought. There was nothing rational going on.

Wow, this really hit home for me. You are right. There was no logical thought, I need to not beat myself up about this.

My initial thoughts was that it is as though my WH moral compess was just off, not simply on and subject to bad decision making and alcohol. Does that make sense? That upsetted me. To not even cross his mind? How do you get there? I will never get that?

Your posting Jana shows where you are in dealing with your negative thoughts. Applaud yourself, this is an area I struggle with, perhaps its because its only 6 months out. I was just talking to my IC today about this and you said the basically the same thing. Either response hurts, either response is academic, because you still end up with the same outcome and the what if's will drive you mad and dont help the situation now.

Like you so eloquently put it, there was NO rational thoughts going on, that and alcohol are the common denominators at least with the three of us. The hurt isnt any less regardless the the answer to that question.

I like your south park analogy, lol. Very fitting. I do watch it when my hubby does, I tend to like Family Guy much better. I had not seen that one but get your point.

Not sure why I am just now coming to this question. I probably did already ask it but I have found I re ask lots of questions because there was clearly too much to process that first weekend.

Good for Mr Green for taking all the responsibility even when you tried to dish some towards his neighbor friend. I totally get how you feel. I know its cliche but to a certain extent I blame the OW.

The woman was out of town on a trip for something ,at a bar by herself. She approached him, she HAD to see his ring, she sat down next to him, not accross from him(us girls all know, a classic flirting technique allows you to make incidential contact in order to flirt) she asked him up to her hotel, she had the condoms. Her actions were premediatated, she was looking to get laid and who cares that he was married, not my problem. It is just so preditory to me. Not to rationalize LTA, but I almost get it when a friendship turns inappropriate as you as the OW get sucked into it. But to go after a clearly married seems so desperate. I often wonder if how many married guys she has f----ed and I bet in her head it makes her feel better, like she is thinking these guys just HAVE to have her that they are willing to risk their relationships to to f--- her, when it is SO not the way reality is. Well at least was in my WH case.

Like your WH ,mine says he cant blame her (not out of loyality or anything to her) he puts this 100% into his lap.

tsol, it sounds like you WB's frame of mind was the same as my WH. I think that is what my WH was trying to say too. Didnt cross his mind.

I guess I need to chalk this up to another bitter pill I will just have to swallow and try to keep your mindframe Jana of it was one irrational thought after another for them and try to remind myself it is not reflective of how he felt about me .

Jana just saw your new post. For what its worth, it took the next day for the enormity of what he did to hit my WH too. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize those kinds of things, its a coping mechanism. My WH waited 3 nights to tell me, I dont know how he functioned, I would of been a mess. My guess is that he stuffed it in that little corner of denial st and dont want to think about it blvd!

I actually appeciated that he waited till friday because at least I did not have to go to work the next two days.

My point is I think that is as much a MALE way of dealing with shit and not a reflection of his respect for you or his lack of caring about what he did.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 5:15 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting and Jana, you posted so much I completely forgot what I was going to say. Which is 100% a good thing because I don't think it was good things.

I'm sure I've posted this before but the night of the ons, I had left his house and we were talking on IM. He said he would brb because he had to get gas. This was around 12:30am ish. Now keep in mind, wbf would do anything out of waking up earlier than needed so it seems logical (for him anyways) that he would choose to go out in the middle of the night to get gas rather than wake up earlier before work. So the story goes that while he was getting gas he got a text from a co-worker from another store (they had worked together like twice but texted on and off) asking him to go over to hang out and he did. But there's that lingering feeling that he didn't leave the house with the intention of only getting gas (he did need it though I remember that). I think that's one of the things that bothers me the most. And that there was three of them, wbf, co-worker girl, and ow. Co-worker girl knew about relationship...I don't know her but I'm furious that she didn't do anything. They were at her house and her two "guests" just ran off together and left her drunk mess alone. Really, I wouldn't be cool with that even if neither of the guests were in a relationship. You come to my house you visit me damn it, especially in a setting of 3 people, it's not like she was busy with her own things...

Which is worse? I agree that there is no worse, either way sucks.

My WH waited 3 nights to tell me, I dont know how he functioned, I would of been a mess.

Me too. I worked at the G8 Summit in the summer and was staying in Huntsville. I realized that I had a bit of a crush on a co-worker (he was pretty and funny that's the extent). I had -10000 intention of doing anything and immediately withdrew from him even though I knew I wouldn't do anything. I never really look outside of wbf at guys...in real life or celebrities. They are just people and have no existence in my world there. The fact that I recognized positive qualities freaked me right out. I felt like CRAP. And I didn't do anything! I had a crush. That is all. Like middle school (damn it I am 16 ). But I was miserable and felt like a horrible person. I never told wbf because this and his ons was so back to back I figured it would seem like I was throwing my morals in his face. Oh and I found that if I google his frequent screen names I can find some posts he makes on a few websites. Some of them were concerning (see that other post lost somewhere in General I think it's 4 steps Back or something). So I made a fake account to try and be-friend him and see what was going on and again FELT HORRIBLE. Because I felt like I was being deceptive....we are on such uneven fields right now.

Wbf is also very easily influenced when drinking which is one of the reasons I wonder how much he was drinking. It's hard to reason that he flipped the switch on and off so quickly. To go from "ok" to "sex" to "he called me over and confessed the next day". I think when it was over he probably sobered up pretty quick, but I do believe he drank more than he lead on.

My wbf's way of dealing with things is escaping into the world of video games. I'm pretty sure it's like an addiction for him and two years ago he stopped because he noticed how much he was on. Then 2010 he started again and I feel that's were a lot of the distance and detachment that eventually helped to allow the ons. Since dday he has turned to them full force again and it's been an on-going issue for us. He doesn't see it as a problem, it's his hobby. Tonight I went to his house and he played for 2 hours while I started at the tv getting more and more furious. I'm not sure of your knowledge of online games but they have "raids" like quests where they all team together to beat the monsters. So he said that he thought it would only take half an hour (still we haven't seen each other much this week and he got off at 2 today. He had all the time in the world already playing, turn off the damn computer when I get there) but that turned into 2 hours. So at that point I stood up and told him I was leaving because there was no point in me being there. He asked why I was leaving and I broke down explaining how he was ignoring me and how it made me feel like crap and how can I be a priority below a video game. I brought up the fact that this isn't a one time incident and it needs to be improved on. His reply is where I see a lot of the addiction mindset. He kept saying he was sorry for ignoring me. I told him that didn't fix things. He said he didn't know how to fix it. (TURN OFF THE COMPUTER!!) I suggested, when he finishes work, he should decide whether or not it will be a tsol day or a video game day. I have told him MANY time I'm ok with him having a hobby, just let me know if he wants to do that one day and I will do something else as well. It's not fair for me to just sit there watching and waiting for him. When he's made the decision he should text me with what he would like to do (mind you he won't always get a tsol day just because he chose it). If it's a tsol day, he then goes home, DOESN'T go on computer because he always thinks, "oh it'll only be 20 minutes" and I will be over shortly. I work literally 5 minutes from him. If it's a video game day, let me know and have a great time. When I made this suggestion about NOT logging into the game at all, he was silent but his face said "that can't be an option...that just won't work" So I told him to think of a suggestion then. He shut down. He closed his eyes, I actually thought he was asleep, (we were lying down) I asked him if he was asleep, he said no and rolled onto his stomach to think some more. Then he said "when you come over, if I'm playing I will tell them I will only fight one boss". I told him we'll see how it goes, but if it continues to be more than 20 minutes we will re-evaluate.

I think I need to find a new IC. Mine works the exact same hours I'm working until May so I won't get to see her until then. I don't think I'll make it My thoughts are all over the place! On a side note I think the anger stage has appeared...


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hon! Wow - I'm checking back in - we've been out of town so I haven't been on much. tsol, that gaming would drive me INSANE. Absolutely insane! How are things going since you talked to him about it?

I saw your post about the online counseling, how is that going?

Hurting, how are you feeling? How is the healing going?

Any other ONS-ers still out there?

We just got back from a trade show, the first for my husband's business. It went really well. We had a great time together. There was one moment that could have gotten ugly. He was talking to another exhibitor about Myrtle Beach, just chatting. The guy used to work there. He said, "If you look at the yellow pages, there's one business you just would not believe if you saw the number of companies. Escort services! That and strip clubs! Those escorts and strippers are just all over the place in Myrtle Beach. I know because I used to print all their business cards."

My face was like this: and his face was like this: and we extricated ourselves quickly. And he said, "I am so sorry, as soon as he said that I was thinking damn it, dude, why'd you have to go there." And I just laughed. What can you do? I mean, really.

Other than that, great time. We work really well together as a team so it was very enjoyable. We're both exhausted though, and have to work tomorrow!

Take care ladies and have a great week!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just about to bump our thread, I feel bad for it (the tread) when it gets too close to the bottom of the page. It's like the balloon game you play as a kid where the balloon can't touch the floor. Our thread can't reach the bottom I really do believe I'm nuts sometimes.

I didn't even realize I had posted so much.

Haven't really had a chance to see how the video games are playing out since the talk. Friday was my birthday and Saturday I beat him home from work so he didn't have a chance to log on . It does drive me insane though. Like this face + those eyes. I did install a keylogger on his phone because I was generally too afraid to look at it. I guess I have conflict avoidance issues as well. It dated the texts back to September 2 (not AUGUST 24 unfortunately!! What I would give to get ahold of THAT text) and I haven't seen anything concerning. Which puts me at ease. As I've said before, I really do psych myself out. Earlier into this mess I was more convinced that he wasn't doing anything than I was more recently. I guess the posts I found online played a roll in that. But he is a very friendly guy in an ok way. Hun is his thing, everyone is hun. He's a bit of a kisa but I think he's staying within boundaries. It seems a lot of their conversations are focused on the females "crisis of the moment" and most of them do have a crisis. It's a dangerous line to walk, but I think he's doing alright. I did mention the fact that his status says he's single. He asked why it mattered it was just online. I explained how common OAs are nowadays and he genuinely seemed surprised. I expect I will probably have to have this conversation with him again before he gets that I want him to update the status. He really is slow. I was talking to a friend who feels there has to be some sort of server malfunctions that caused some of the male 2010 upgrades to be delayed.

E-counselling is going well. I got a message back and I really liked her perspective on things so I replied and am waiting for a response. It feels sort of SI-like when I'm responding and almost used the lingo a few times. But I think it will help at the very least to bridge the gap until I can see IC again. I really did like her a lot.

Like I replied in the other post (which I'm very suspicious that you might have copy pasted here no worries, I've done it), I'm very happy to hear the trip went well and everyone is happy


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies, JanaGreen, you asked if there were any other ONSer's out there, I'm putting my hand up..... three days away from two years post d-day now.

Same story as most, far too much alcohol, in a foreign place, far too much time away from home, high risk OP.

Thinking of you all,



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hard_yards! Sorry to hear your story and yes it is unfortunately familiar.

tsol, whoops, I meant to say when I posted that in Recon that I had C&P'd it from here! I think e-counseling sounds really cool. I hadn't heard of that before you posted about it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hard yards,

good to see you again, I missed hearing from you. Please update on how things are going when you can.

My face was like this: and his face was like this: and we extricated ourselves quickly. And he said, "I am so sorry, as soon as he said that I was thinking damn it, dude, why'd you have to go there." And I just laughed. What can you do? I mean, really.

LOL, murphy's law, doesn't it figure. So glad you two were able to go with the flow and chuckle about it. Sounds like a wonderful trip and I am so glad it went well for you.

tsol, I hope you dont find anything with the keylogger. I agree the video gaming is excessive and I would be mad too if I were you. How was your birthday? Did WBF take you out?

I am doing better physically. The complication I had with the surgery seems to be subsiding, hopefully it wont return. I am able to do a modified work out and that has helped my mood a great deal and leveled out my emotions.

We went out to a very nice dinner saturday night for our anniversary. We then went home made some drinks and watched a movie together. I got a little anxious but really tried hard to push bad feelings from my mind and did well.

Unfortunately, the night ended with my WH getting smashed to the point that he was vomiting all day yesterday and is finally holding down things today. I kept saying to him "another drink?" , he dismissed my concerns at the time.

A little history, my first H and I divorced due to alcohol issues with him. He was a binge drinker. He could go 2 months without a sip of alcohol, but when he did, he would be shit faced drunk. He could never stop at one or two. MY WH excessive drinking and his sickness afterward seriously triggered me . My ex's drinking destroyed our marriage. My WH knows my issues with this, yet he still did this on our freaking anniversary?

The other part of this that scares me is the fact that this is the 3rd celebration of our wedding (out of 3)where he has been shitfaced drunk . The night before our wedding in Vegas, the night of our family reception in June and now the night of our first anniversary celebration. He also for the first time used his new web cam to speak to his son on saturday . Now do you think this is a coicendence that he got so drunk? Between seeing his son and our wedding anniversary?

I am growing increasingly concerned that he is self medicating with alcohol like his family members have( he has 5 aunts on his mom's side that are alcoholics and suffer from major depression, all of them have been suicidal at some point in their lives too).

I feel he self medicated on the night of the ONS with issues surrounding his son coupled with the depression he was experiencing and made horrible choices as a result.

I am having a very hard time believing him when he says the alcohol binging is not reflective of any issues he has about our marriage. How can I not assume there is a connection?

He knows I am upset and tried to justify his behavior as he just misjudged how potent the drinks were that he was mixing. I told him to stop, I didnt want to hear it.

I have told him before that I will not spend my life cleaning up the fallout of his emotional baggage especially when it negatively impacts myself or our family. I told him that after the ONS and after I decided to R that he needed to address his shit either through counseling, introspection or whatever to deal with his demons.

I reminded him of this again today. He apologized and said he understood. I am no longer sure about what I am going to do in this relationship. I think he needs to have his ass back in counseling but he needs to figure this shit out himself. Telling him he has to go will not solve this.

I am so frustrated and have really realized that I need to take a step back and start protecting myself emotionally here until I know for sure things are going to work out between us. I love him but I am not going to stick this out with him if he isnt going to try address any of this on his end.

I am surprisingly under control at the possible end of my marriage :( I am not ready to give up yet, but I am looking at things in a different light, with a more level head.

I guess we will see what happens


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting, I totally understand why the drinking bothers you. To think, it was such a huge factor in the ONS, AND it broke up your first marriage . . . honestly I think if I were your husband I'd quit drinking at this point.

((hurting))

I hope he decides to address his depression in a more constructive way.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to agree Jana. It will be interesting to see how he handles this.

He started back to school for the semester. His schedule is even worse than I feared this semester. Now, he wont be home until midnight 4 nights . When I start bck to work, I cant stay up that late and be up in the a.m. to get the kids ready and go to work. We will see each other mon 1/2 hr at lunch and for 1 1/2 hrs if I stay up till midnight. I wont see him again until wednesday pm for 1/2 hr lunch ,then again on thursday and friday for 1/2 hour lunch each day. :(

We simply cant maintain a relationship especially after these two issues (ONS and this drinking crap). I feel like a am trying to hold onto a rope to pull myself up from over the edge but I am slipping inch by inch further down.

I basically have a roomate that helps pay the mortgage and put food on the table. That is about it.

I really thought I wouldnt be struggling so much this far out. I was doing so much better at months 4 and 5.

We had a bad situation made 1000 times worse by our circumstances. In addition, its so isolating and lonely. I didnt marry to be a single mom for most of it.

I have to keep reminding myself we have made it through 4 years of this and we only have a little over 1 year left! It just seems like forever right now.

I feel really overwhelmed.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:31 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely thought I had made another post in here somewhere.

hurting,
I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well.

I feel like a am trying to hold onto a rope to pull myself up from over the edge but I am slipping inch by inch further down.

Not having time to spend together definitely makes things a lot harder. I end up feeling 100X worse when we haven't seen each other for a few days, which is common do to our work schedules. I definitely get the rope analogy. However whenever I get close to the edge wbf starts being great again. It makes me dizzy. Choose one side and stick with it so I can preserve some of my sanity. It is lonely and the A makes you feel isolated. Not having time together sucks!

I basically have a roomate that helps pay the mortgage and put food on the table. That is about it.

The difference should be how you feel about him. Underneath all the negative A related feelings there should be more than a roommate feeling. At the end of this stressful year + do you see better times for the M?



me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
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