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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrogirl, my WBF has been the same way- he listened to a little bit of my feelings and then got upset because he felt he kept being reminded of his mistake. I got upset because I was still confused and it upset me also that he had the nerve to get upset with me for talking! Finally I decided I needed to clarify for him WHY I talked to him... I explained briefly (for me, it wasn't the subject so much as how much I talked about it or rather, how long I talked about it) that I was seeking support that only he could give me and I hoped he understood I wasn't trying to torture or punish him but that I just needed support and I felt only he could give that to me. I also said I didn't want to always talk about it or remember it happened and I too wished it could just go away but that's not healthy and if we are going to stay together, we'll do this the healthy way this time.

I found only talking about it for a short period of time helped and I didn't always talk about it, I waited until I had many questions and sat down and asked him the questions all at once and then after, we focused on non-A topics or just enjoyed each others company. For me, the talks ended up being about once a week for the first 5 or so after DDay and that helped too. Sorry if I'm all over the place- I'm typing this from my Blackberry lol


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jlkjfdklgja I just had the most wonderful reply typed to everyone and it's gone (time to take my own advice to lala) I'll be back with a probably shorter and less thorough (I'm so mad I spelt thorough "throurourough") response


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrogirl,
This is all really hard and you are so new to this I can't help but feel the need to give you hugs (((surrogirl)))

I do fairly well when he's home to distract me from my thoughts but when he goes to work my brain runs like a rat on a wheel

I can relate to this so much. When he's around I feel this comfort even though part of me feels its fake, I just.....don't get overwhelmed. When I leave his place I used to cry on my drive home every night just going through everything. At 4 months now, there are moments by myself where I can find peace and I don't cry EVERY drive home, but that is a trigger for me that can't really be avoided) The thoughts are still there always but sometimes I can turn the volume down. But of course that takes time as I'm sure you know and don't really want to hear. It's like when kids always hear "you can do that when you're older". A few suggestions for right now
- go for a walk, to get outside, see a change of scenery
- call a friend and just chat
- try to pick up a new hobby to keep yourself busy
- journal or come to SI
(I had a few others but when I deleted my post I forgot them I will make an edit if I remember)
Also I'm not sure if wh is already, but if he isn't does he get a break at work? Can he call you, maybe even from his work land-line to confirm his location. Maybe hearing his voice can settle your running thoughts for a while.

I'm glad he's in IC, childhood issues can create such problems and I'm glad he's facing those. And MC should help too but I have no experience with it unfortunately.

I think his feelings are a good sign. Not overly productive right now of course, but he is FEELING them which means that he has to deal with it. Many WSs would love to put it in a box and I'm concerned that that is the intention of your ws. Mine included feels that because he "KNOWS" he will never do it again, the problem is solved and the box can be sealed and filed. That is conflict avoidance. In the words of another poster, "the only way out of this is through". We have to DEAL with ALL of the emotions that come out of this to successfully get out of it. I'm glad he is feeling it but he needs to remember that he created the mess. This is where his job gets harder, he needs to put aside his issues to deal with on his time and focus on what you need when you need it. Either said shutting down is not going to work. There needs to be open communication and willingness for it from both sides for this to work, like you said R is difficult and this is one of the reasons why.

To make it a little bit more manageable for both of you, are you comfortable saving the *really* hard topics for MC. Maybe he will be more open with someone else there. He might feel like he can't play the "poor old ws" card, and if he does, if your MC is good they will shut it down. Another thing that is suggested often here is to schedule A talks. So every Sunday at 7pm you will have 1 hour. Make it as regular as you need but try not to make it too long. Often when the time gets longer, it's not more productive, just more emotional. Try not to go over the set time. By doing this you might find yourself more comfortable bringing it up because he knows about it. And he might feel less attacked and can prepare himself.


Am I making it worse?
How do I feel heard without making him feel like shit? I tell him that I'm not trying to make him feel bad, I'm just trying to feel better. He says he understands.

You are NOT making it worse. This early out I 100% expect that you need to talk about it. And a lot. In one of the many things I've read, it said "the bs will keeping asking questions (often even the same questions) until they are able to process the answer". With something this (what is a word to describe what this is?...) with something as devastating as this, it will take a long time for you to process those answers. You can't R without communication and you can't R alone. Yes he is going to feel like shit when he talks about it, but so he should. He shredded your heart to pieces and is now concerned about how he feels. How the hell does he think you feel? (ok tsol getting angry...deep breathes) He needs to shift his focus from him to you and your healing. Not to say that he doesn't need to work on himself but he needs to be there for you 100%. He says that he understands that talking makes you feel better, but he still doesn't want to talk about it. Therefore he doesn't want you to feel better? My other suggestion if you both aren't doing well communicating is to do it in writing.
- you could write emails
- you could write your thoughts and have each other read them while you are together (I like this one because you can try to save any miscommunication and you still get body language with it a little bit. But in the beginning I found emails were the easiest sometimes.

Lala,

I was seeking support that only he could give me and I hoped he understood I wasn't trying to torture or punish him but that I just needed support and I felt only he could give that to me. I also said I didn't want to always talk about it or remember it happened and I too wished it could just go away but that's not healthy and if we are going to stay together, we'll do this the healthy way this time.

I think this message is important for WSs to here and I think you phrased it very well. I think SI needs a BB app, it gets so crazy trying to type on my little screen.

So how did everybody's holidays go? I hope to here some good stories.

I've been up, down, left and right
The good:
- Had a great time with families.
- Wbf recognized a potential trigger and reacted well. He offered to turn off the radio (song was the trigger) but I was ok
- I feel so much less stressed now that the holidays are over (mostly) and now onto my bithday
- I've been doing well with my (holy crap I almost just lost the post again...and with it my sanity) 180 plans, had a bubble bath today (even though I'm terrible at them I get in, I get my magazine all wet, get mad, do my face wash thing, get bored, get out)

The bad:
- For 2 days wbf did not make any contact with me. I pulled back to see if he would step up. He didn't
- He is currently out drunk (wasn't informed of this plan at all, only saw his status update) with his London friend who came home for the holidays (whoopee ) Since his last visit to London his friend broke up with his gf (they were quite dysfunctional) but that means he's single now...and that means I'm worrying again.

1 step forward, 2 steps back....this is all making me dizzy and a little angry (which I still find such anger such a strange concept to me)


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so frustrating when the one who hurt you is the one you need the most support from. The ultimate irony!

tsol seemed to cover things well for lala and surro so I will be brief and say ditto, LOL.

wanted to let you all know I am going in for a scheduled surgery tomm. Having the most of the old girl parts taken (yeah!) to help with some problems I have been having the last 1 1/2 years. The good news is that I was approved for 4 weeks off paid from work . So that either means I will be on here all the time, or if I feel horrible, wont be on much at all!!! Its the robotic surgery so I heard the recovery time is much faster, at least I am hoping so. I hate the fact that I wont be able to work out for awhile and I know I will dread getting back into the gym after all of this!

So if I dont talk to you guys, here is wishing you a happy new year and around 7:30am central time tommorrow( if you are awake) send good thoughts my way!

Keep your heads up and stay strong!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting, I hope all goes well for you with the surgery and I hope it helps out with the problems. I'm sure it will I knew someone who had a similar (from what I know of yours) surgery and things are much better for her now. Enjoy your time off and I'm sending lots of good thoughts


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
surrogirl
♀ New Member
Member # 30429
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much. It does help me to hear that time will help. It's really all I have to give me hope, that with time and effort this pain will fade and we will rebuild US.
He listened to me yesterday and last night he was very supportive while I talked. But then I made the mistake of asking a detail about their intimacy, why did I do that?? He answered honestly and the pain of it hit me like a ton of bricks, now I feel so sick to my stomach.
I have so many questions but I'm hiding here in this thread because I showed him an article on The Healing Library and I'm worried that he will see my posts. Not that I don't want him to know my feelings, but I'm not sure if I could be completely honest here knowing he was reading.


Me- BS (38)
Him- WH (43)
Married 16 years, 2 girls ages 6 and 8.
d-day 12/4/10
Sorting out emotions. The plan is to R.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Dec 2010
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surro,

I'm worried that he will see my posts. Not that I don't want him to know my feelings, but I'm not sure if I could be completely honest here knowing he was reading.

I completely understand this!! I talked to WBF last night about IC or MC and he said he would do them if it made me happy but then I suggested SI because even if he just reads posts in the wayward forums, maybe it'll help him and I told him they'll support him and also tell him like it is if he does post. I was nervous to suggest it because I use it and I don't want him reading some of my old posts about wanting to get spyware and all this stuff but I feel like SI can help him too so I'll hope he doesn't read my posts (I don't think he remembers my username which I told him once.. stupid me..)

My DDay was 7 weeks ago today and time is helping noticeably. I asked questions because I knew if I didn't, my mind would make up the story and it is almost always worse in my mind than it is in reality. Only ask what you're comfortable with knowing- what I do is write questions down in my blackberry and I word them so they are diplomatic but clear in that they only ask what I want to know. For instance, rather than just asking "what did you and OP talk about" I'll ask "did you ever talk bad about me to her". It's hard to hear but what helps me is knowing he was in a different mindset when he had the ONS. I asked him last night what he told himself to allow him to have the ONS and he doesn't remember but we'll work on that.

I am happy for you that he was supportive but I have to think about what questions I want to ask so that I don't ask one I'm not ready to hear the answer to yet. Best of luck to you!


Hurting,
I hope the surgery went well and maybe while you're recovering, if you need something to do you can try a new hobby? Tsol and I are wanting to learn to make candles. Maybe you could try giving painting a shot or join us in making candles haha I hope these next four weeks go smoothly for you!!


Tsol,
I forgot to mention that there's a song to add to the "break my heart" playlist but this one is kind of energizing. It's "round and round" by Selena Gomez- it's appropriate to listen to around kids and I didn't pick up on the meaning when I used it for the performance for the dance class I teach in ther summer for 6-7 year olds. I JUST realized the meaning.. It's pretty accurate and I thought of you when I realized the meaning. It's very lala haha meaning it's pop rocky lol


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrogirl,
Does your wh know your username? If he doesn't than I think everything should be all clear for him to look around here. It might even help him. Since he is being remorseful I don't think you should worry about it too much even if he does know your username. There are a lot of couples who both post on here and find it very beneficial (with ground rules such as
-no posting on each other's threads you have to talk in person if you have comments on a post -I think a lot of couples find it as a good way to open up communication)
-having a certain forum off limits to each other (like no reading each other's posts in General so that you each have the opportunity to vent) of course there's no way to prove this isn't happening, but R is all about regaining/re-earning trust
I was considering letting wbf know about SI a while ago but also worried about losing my safe haven. I posted in BS Questions for WS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=380200&AP=1
My replies were very convincing so I've sent him some articles with the sight name visible. I don't think he's come on though, we haven't talked about it directly but I intend for us to. So if your WH comes on try to look at it as a good thing. Maybe consider talking about it before hand and try to pretend like he's not reading so you can post what you're really thinking and get the support/advice you need.

My suggestion for asking about details is to let yourself sit with the questions for a while. If after a week or so you still feel the need to know the answer to a certain question ask it. But if you start to feel that it's not as important see if it keeps dwindling away.

I hope today has been (well it's 2AM now so maybe yesterday) better for you.

Lala,
See my above thoughts on the WSs coming on SI. Even though my wbf hasn't (yet muahaha) I've become a strong supporter of the idea. Especially when Christmas came around and all of these SI vets came around in pairs to let us know how wonderful things are going for them.

I thought the song was catchy but it definitely made me sad (duh, it's called a Break Your Heart Playlist not a Sunshine Playlist). For some reason I listened to it and was mad that it made me sad I expected a happy song because I'm sleep deprived and don't function very well right now.

Hurting,
You are definitely welcome to join our candle making team. It will be an Ontario - Texas - Illinois candle making venture. I hope things are going well for you

((to all))


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WBF lurked around SI this morning (I know, courtesy of my keylogger) and he viewed one post in the JFO forum about how the user basically told their spoues to find it elsewhere. Well I don't know what to make of this but WBF read that post and then went to a porn websit but he viewed "couples only" videos so I wonder if he did it to get new ideas to keep me interested? I don't know but if he read that post carefully, he should know that the user said fixing relationship problems would have helped her libido tremendously. I'm not having a libido problem unless I find out he's lied to me. Or unless I've had a trigger. OR a bad day. However I'm not around WBF enough for that to really affect us. So I don't know what to make of it. Any ideas?

Also is it possible to change usernames? If wbf joins SI, I don't want him to read my posts and know it's me.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe they will only change your username in extreme situations. Maybe take your age out of your signature as well, it would help make it harder to narrow it down. He has to make 50 (I think) posts before he can search a user and read each post so unless he is going to scroll through each page, it will be a while before he gets to that. Also if he's willing to do that or make 50 posts maybe he has good intentions being here. If he signs up maybe try to make a rule that he stays in WS for a while or stays out of ONS and general. Then you can both has recon and he can have ws?? Just some suggestions.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he'd have to register to read anything of mine and so far he hasn't registered. I'm going to do as you suggested and take out my age. I read your other post in General about the letter and I hope you send it and he reponds well.

(((tsol)))


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Was wondering if anyone was out there . Its late but I am having a hard night. Tommorrow is my 6 month antiversary of the ONS. Realized this later today as a broke down in tears in my bed due to not one, not two but yes, count them 4 triggers in one day!

Let's see, sitting in my gyenie's office for post op follow up to hear the talk show saying something about statistically speaking the most common time of the year for cheaters to cheat are during summer months. My stomach dropped and I turned pale but managed through it. Fast forward 2 hours later, sitting at Walgreen's waiting for another RX and turn to my right and what is staring me in the face....the condom aisle. Where does my mind go instantly, "Wonder which brand my son of b---- husband used" WTF??? Got through that one. One freaking hour later, I am with my WH at Starbucks just to get out of the house for a bit and there is a young woman talking loud enough to here to her girlfriend about how her boyfriend just admitted to having a ONS with so and so and blah blah blah, she is over it now..... Thank God I was cleared to drive and had taken my own car there. I told my hubby I had to go with tears in my eyes and said I would see him at home. I manage to get my sunglasses on so people in the shoppe looking out can not see the tears streaming down my face. I turn on the car and what song is playing. Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time he'll Think Before He Cheats". Seriously? Is that some cosmic sense of humor or something? I couldnt make this shit up if I tried.

My WH was supportive but lately it seems to only come out when I have a bad day. It is never unsolicated and that bothers me a bit but in the big scheme of things, its nothing. He , of course, has been so wonderful with taking care of me after surgery. However, today it just pissed me off his efforts. why am I acting this way? I should be grateful he is doing everything he can.

Tonight, I have had evil thoughts running through my mind. All I could think about was pasting and copying the "play by play" he wrote out for me about what happened that night and posting it on FB for his friends, family, and aquaintainces to see. I also was going to change my status to open marriage (that is one of the options on there and make some smart ass comment about , our marriage must be just ask WH about his last trip to San Diego!

clearly I am in a bit of an anger phase at the moment. I just really thought I was past this emotion. I really feel like throwing in the towel tonight.

What a horrible horrible day!

Posting those things would be the end of things with us, I know it. Part of me wants to do it to push him away so I dont have to make the choice or continue to put myself at risk or to continue to hurt. Wouldnt it be so much easier to end it?

I need some love and support to make it through!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurting38))

I'm sorry about those awful triggers. And I agree - don't post those things! That would be a decision made out of anger/hurt. Maybe just try to ride it out for today. See how you feel tomorrow. Do something nice for yourself tonight to get your mind off things (a glass of wine and a nice bath is always good - or retail therapy?)

Today sucks. It's a shitty day. This is the two-year anniversary of the day that I went in for what I thought was my 11-week OB appointment but instead discovered a miscarriage. Balls. At least I have something to talk about in counseling today, right? Fuck January 5.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6132 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jana! Fuck Jan 5th and the whole month of July!!!!LOL Feeling a bit better today. Unfortunately no baths for 4 more weeks, risk of infection too great :( However, a glass of wine is in order tonight. Working through triggers with my WH today now that I have a clearer head. Hugs to you on such a crappy day!

Will check in again later.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad day but I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. When we erase july could we happen to take out august too?

I think the anger frequently comes up around 6 months so on that scale I wouldn't be worried about being past the emotion.

((Hugs))

Eta: On a side note have any of you noticed if there are any WSs who had a ons on SI? I would love to get inside their head but I haven't seen any

[This message edited by tsol25 at 11:18 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)]


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is done with me, I guess.

He is impatient and frustrated. I guess he feels like after 2 and almost a half years we should be back to normal.

I suffered from clinical major depression even before DDay. Guess what DDay did? Um, yeah.

He never understood the depression anyway, and even though in the beginning (right after dday) he was wonderful, doing everything right, he seems to be done with that now.

Too bad I'm not.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurting)) I hope you enjoyed that wine!

tsol, bigdog (hopelessromantic's husband) posts sometimes. He had a ONS.

((itspjw)) - what's going on? Do you want to talk about it?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6132 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh 38- I triggered just reading about your triggers So sorry you had to go through all of that.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks surviving...I guess that is way too many triggers in one day for anybody. I am trying to keep that in perspective.

Having some complications from the surgery which is not allowing me to exercise right now. That was always my one saving grace and my biggest mood lifter. I should of tried to hold off this surgery for the summer lol. Being stuck in the house with this cold crappy weather outside is no fun!

You will be happy to know I did not post anything and many of you may have seen the post I did in recon about the "threat" I gave to my WH. (post is listed under could use both sides or something like that). That has no doubt created tension but my WH has accepted that just like I cant control him ,he can not control me on this one.

Sorry for the long post here....Another recent stressor has been involving WH's ex, the mother of his child. From her FB postings, it appears she has recently begun dating the father of her youngest son again. Long story short, a couple of years ago, this guy contacted my WH expressing concerns about how ex was "dumping" WH's son off at grandma's all the time yada yada yada. Nothing substantial, they were clearley breaking up and shit was flying. Ex mentioned to WH back then how this guy was not helping take care of his son financially, something my WH has been diligent about on his end.

Well,this guy is now back in ex's life, thus back in Wh's son's life. My WH has been bitching about this and I finally confronted him gentley and pointed out to him that there is nothing we have heard from son that suggests this guy has been anything but good to son.
No stories of guy being "bad" to ex (ie...fighting ,violence etc...) that would impact son. The only complaint has been about the finances and that coming from his ex, so who knows the truth?

I kept pointing out to him these things and mentioned that he sounds a little jealous. He admitted that he was but not of his ex but of the guy getting to be with his son. Here he is, doing the right thing by financially supporting his son half a country away and his ex wont even work with us to allow his 9 year old son to fly as an unaccompanied minor which would save us 1,000 dollars every time he comes out . It would also allow us to see him several times a year instead of just one or two. My WH feels like this is crappy and yet another way he is shitting on him. This guy has not taken care of his responsibilities yet gets all this access to his son and here he sits.

Next day he is on fb looking at some posted photos and my son sits down and says isnt that so and so (the ex) and my WH says yes, i overheard this. So i ask him about what photos is he looking at? and he mentions that he was looking at some new photos ex posted of his son today.

Later that day, i sit down and see the new photos posted too and scroll through them and not one is of his son, all of ex and this guy. I confront my WH about there being no photos in this new set and why he would say he was looking at photos of his son if he was not. He explodes verbally and is like oh christ here we go, and tries to show me photos that he was supposedly looking at which I knew for a fact he had already seen a few days ago.

My take... he was brooding about this guy again and when my son unknowingly outed what he was doing he threw out some a white lie to me so I wouldnt get mad. He is denying he said to me that he was looking at a picture of his son when I asked but I know in my heart he said something to that fact. I had it in my head to go look for the new picture of his son because I always like seeing those photos of my step son. I was confused and surprised when I looked at the recently uploaded photos and none of them were of his son.

The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. A big part of the reason for this ONS was the pain he has over not being with his son and to see him jealous of that situation makes me feel so insecure.

I want to believe that its about his son and not his ex. That relationship was a train wreck to say the least, and he eventually left after alot of back and forth with her so if he wanted to be with her, he would be. It does not help that his ex is extremely beautiful. I mean I am no dog, and I can turn some heads but I am talking she does ballet and is a part time model(trade shows, events etc...) She is part asian and about a size 1.

I do get his pain, and my head tells me that he is truely jealous about this man coming in and getting to see HIS son everyday. I am sure he is threatened as hell by the thought of someone else "fathering" his son. However, these days, I dont trust my instincts on anything I thought I knew. I have no other reason to be suspicious of the two of them, I think I have become my own worst enemy here.

The woman I have become from all of this is one I dont recognize anymore. After this incident, I did not push the issue anymore but have felt myself pulling back from him which is not healthy.

To top it off thisSunday 1/16 is our first wedding anniversary. Whoo Hoo....(can you feel it dripping with sarcasm) Funny I will look back at 2010 as both the best and worst year of my life. What a bummer...

Sorry about the pity party. Hate being such a downer these days.

How is everybody these days? Thanks ladies for the candle making invite. I better decline at this point. The way this last month has been, I will probably end up accidentially setting myself on fire, LOL.

Let's keep this post going!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:08 PM, January 10th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no hurting, that would have me going crazy! Especially the lying. UGH! I hate lying, I hate it! I hope you're right about it just being about jealously in regards to his son. That does make sense, but I know as a BW it's impossible not to go "there" with something like this.

I need to go read your post in Recon. I haven't seen it yet . . .

I hope you continue to heal well from the surgery!

We're doing ok, just dead tired today b/c the baby woke up at 2:30 and then wouldn't go back to sleep. UGH. Makes for a long, long day. Relationship-wise, everything going ok. We were watching a movie (well, he was watching and I was kind of wandering in and out) and there was a scene with a prostitute. He apologized to me and said he didn't know that was going to be in the movie. It didn't bother me though.

And with that I'd better run to bed - hope everyone is doing ok!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

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