I found only talking about it for a short period of time helped and I didn't always talk about it, I waited until I had many questions and sat down and asked him the questions all at once and then after, we focused on non-A topics or just enjoyed each others company. For me, the talks ended up being about once a week for the first 5 or so after DDay and that helped too. Sorry if I'm all over the place- I'm typing this from my Blackberry lol
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
I do fairly well when he's home to distract me from my thoughts but when he goes to work my brain runs like a rat on a wheel
I'm glad he's in IC, childhood issues can create such problems and I'm glad he's facing those. And MC should help too but I have no experience with it unfortunately.
I think his feelings are a good sign. Not overly productive right now of course, but he is FEELING them which means that he has to deal with it. Many WSs would love to put it in a box and I'm concerned that that is the intention of your ws. Mine included feels that because he "KNOWS" he will never do it again, the problem is solved and the box can be sealed and filed. That is conflict avoidance. In the words of another poster, "the only way out of this is through". We have to DEAL with ALL of the emotions that come out of this to successfully get out of it. I'm glad he is feeling it but he needs to remember that he created the mess. This is where his job gets harder, he needs to put aside his issues to deal with on his time and focus on what you need when you need it. Either said shutting down is not going to work. There needs to be open communication and willingness for it from both sides for this to work, like you said R is difficult and this is one of the reasons why.
To make it a little bit more manageable for both of you, are you comfortable saving the *really* hard topics for MC. Maybe he will be more open with someone else there. He might feel like he can't play the "poor old ws" card, and if he does, if your MC is good they will shut it down. Another thing that is suggested often here is to schedule A talks. So every Sunday at 7pm you will have 1 hour. Make it as regular as you need but try not to make it too long. Often when the time gets longer, it's not more productive, just more emotional. Try not to go over the set time. By doing this you might find yourself more comfortable bringing it up because he knows about it. And he might feel less attacked and can prepare himself.
Am I making it worse?
How do I feel heard without making him feel like shit? I tell him that I'm not trying to make him feel bad, I'm just trying to feel better. He says he understands.
I was seeking support that only he could give me and I hoped he understood I wasn't trying to torture or punish him but that I just needed support and I felt only he could give that to me. I also said I didn't want to always talk about it or remember it happened and I too wished it could just go away but that's not healthy and if we are going to stay together, we'll do this the healthy way this time.
So how did everybody's holidays go? I hope to here some good stories.
I've been up, down, left and right
- Had a great time with families.
- Wbf recognized a potential trigger and reacted well. He offered to turn off the radio (song was the trigger) but I was ok
- I feel so much less stressed now that the holidays are over (mostly) and now onto my bithday
- I've been doing well with my (holy crap I almost just lost the post again...and with it my sanity) 180 plans, had a bubble bath today (even though I'm terrible at them I get in, I get my magazine all wet, get mad, do my face wash thing, get bored, get out)
- For 2 days wbf did not make any contact with me. I pulled back to see if he would step up. He didn't
- He is currently out drunk (wasn't informed of this plan at all, only saw his status update) with his London friend who came home for the holidays (whoopee ) Since his last visit to London his friend broke up with his gf (they were quite dysfunctional) but that means he's single now...and that means I'm worrying again.
1 step forward, 2 steps back....this is all making me dizzy and a little angry (which I still find such anger such a strange concept to me)
tsol seemed to cover things well for lala and surro so I will be brief and say ditto, LOL.
wanted to let you all know I am going in for a scheduled surgery tomm. Having the most of the old girl parts taken (yeah!) to help with some problems I have been having the last 1 1/2 years. The good news is that I was approved for 4 weeks off paid from work . So that either means I will be on here all the time, or if I feel horrible, wont be on much at all!!! Its the robotic surgery so I heard the recovery time is much faster, at least I am hoping so. I hate the fact that I wont be able to work out for awhile and I know I will dread getting back into the gym after all of this!
So if I dont talk to you guys, here is wishing you a happy new year and around 7:30am central time tommorrow( if you are awake) send good thoughts my way!
Keep your heads up and stay strong!
I'm worried that he will see my posts. Not that I don't want him to know my feelings, but I'm not sure if I could be completely honest here knowing he was reading.
I completely understand this!! I talked to WBF last night about IC or MC and he said he would do them if it made me happy but then I suggested SI because even if he just reads posts in the wayward forums, maybe it'll help him and I told him they'll support him and also tell him like it is if he does post. I was nervous to suggest it because I use it and I don't want him reading some of my old posts about wanting to get spyware and all this stuff but I feel like SI can help him too so I'll hope he doesn't read my posts (I don't think he remembers my username which I told him once.. stupid me..)
My DDay was 7 weeks ago today and time is helping noticeably. I asked questions because I knew if I didn't, my mind would make up the story and it is almost always worse in my mind than it is in reality. Only ask what you're comfortable with knowing- what I do is write questions down in my blackberry and I word them so they are diplomatic but clear in that they only ask what I want to know. For instance, rather than just asking "what did you and OP talk about" I'll ask "did you ever talk bad about me to her". It's hard to hear but what helps me is knowing he was in a different mindset when he had the ONS. I asked him last night what he told himself to allow him to have the ONS and he doesn't remember but we'll work on that.
I am happy for you that he was supportive but I have to think about what questions I want to ask so that I don't ask one I'm not ready to hear the answer to yet. Best of luck to you!
I hope the surgery went well and maybe while you're recovering, if you need something to do you can try a new hobby? Tsol and I are wanting to learn to make candles. Maybe you could try giving painting a shot or join us in making candles haha I hope these next four weeks go smoothly for you!!
I forgot to mention that there's a song to add to the "break my heart" playlist but this one is kind of energizing. It's "round and round" by Selena Gomez- it's appropriate to listen to around kids and I didn't pick up on the meaning when I used it for the performance for the dance class I teach in ther summer for 6-7 year olds. I JUST realized the meaning.. It's pretty accurate and I thought of you when I realized the meaning. It's very lala haha meaning it's pop rocky lol
My suggestion for asking about details is to let yourself sit with the questions for a while. If after a week or so you still feel the need to know the answer to a certain question ask it. But if you start to feel that it's not as important see if it keeps dwindling away.
I hope today has been (well it's 2AM now so maybe yesterday) better for you.
See my above thoughts on the WSs coming on SI. Even though my wbf hasn't (yet muahaha) I've become a strong supporter of the idea. Especially when Christmas came around and all of these SI vets came around in pairs to let us know how wonderful things are going for them.
I thought the song was catchy but it definitely made me sad (duh, it's called a Break Your Heart Playlist not a Sunshine Playlist). For some reason I listened to it and was mad that it made me sad I expected a happy song because I'm sleep deprived and don't function very well right now.
You are definitely welcome to join our candle making team. It will be an Ontario - Texas - Illinois candle making venture. I hope things are going well for you
Also is it possible to change usernames? If wbf joins SI, I don't want him to read my posts and know it's me.
Was wondering if anyone was out there . Its late but I am having a hard night. Tommorrow is my 6 month antiversary of the ONS. Realized this later today as a broke down in tears in my bed due to not one, not two but yes, count them 4 triggers in one day!
Let's see, sitting in my gyenie's office for post op follow up to hear the talk show saying something about statistically speaking the most common time of the year for cheaters to cheat are during summer months. My stomach dropped and I turned pale but managed through it. Fast forward 2 hours later, sitting at Walgreen's waiting for another RX and turn to my right and what is staring me in the face....the condom aisle. Where does my mind go instantly, "Wonder which brand my son of b---- husband used" WTF??? Got through that one. One freaking hour later, I am with my WH at Starbucks just to get out of the house for a bit and there is a young woman talking loud enough to here to her girlfriend about how her boyfriend just admitted to having a ONS with so and so and blah blah blah, she is over it now..... Thank God I was cleared to drive and had taken my own car there. I told my hubby I had to go with tears in my eyes and said I would see him at home. I manage to get my sunglasses on so people in the shoppe looking out can not see the tears streaming down my face. I turn on the car and what song is playing. Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time he'll Think Before He Cheats". Seriously? Is that some cosmic sense of humor or something? I couldnt make this shit up if I tried.
My WH was supportive but lately it seems to only come out when I have a bad day. It is never unsolicated and that bothers me a bit but in the big scheme of things, its nothing. He , of course, has been so wonderful with taking care of me after surgery. However, today it just pissed me off his efforts. why am I acting this way? I should be grateful he is doing everything he can.
Tonight, I have had evil thoughts running through my mind. All I could think about was pasting and copying the "play by play" he wrote out for me about what happened that night and posting it on FB for his friends, family, and aquaintainces to see. I also was going to change my status to open marriage (that is one of the options on there and make some smart ass comment about , our marriage must be just ask WH about his last trip to San Diego!
clearly I am in a bit of an anger phase at the moment. I just really thought I was past this emotion. I really feel like throwing in the towel tonight.
What a horrible horrible day!
Posting those things would be the end of things with us, I know it. Part of me wants to do it to push him away so I dont have to make the choice or continue to put myself at risk or to continue to hurt. Wouldnt it be so much easier to end it?
I need some love and support to make it through!
I'm sorry about those awful triggers. And I agree - don't post those things! That would be a decision made out of anger/hurt. Maybe just try to ride it out for today. See how you feel tomorrow. Do something nice for yourself tonight to get your mind off things (a glass of wine and a nice bath is always good - or retail therapy?)
Today sucks. It's a shitty day. This is the two-year anniversary of the day that I went in for what I thought was my 11-week OB appointment but instead discovered a miscarriage. Balls. At least I have something to talk about in counseling today, right? Fuck January 5.
Will check in again later.
I think the anger frequently comes up around 6 months so on that scale I wouldn't be worried about being past the emotion.
Eta: On a side note have any of you noticed if there are any WSs who had a ons on SI? I would love to get inside their head but I haven't seen any
[This message edited by tsol25 at 11:18 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)]
He is impatient and frustrated. I guess he feels like after 2 and almost a half years we should be back to normal.
I suffered from clinical major depression even before DDay. Guess what DDay did? Um, yeah.
He never understood the depression anyway, and even though in the beginning (right after dday) he was wonderful, doing everything right, he seems to be done with that now.
Too bad I'm not.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
tsol, bigdog (hopelessromantic's husband) posts sometimes. He had a ONS.
((itspjw)) - what's going on? Do you want to talk about it?
Having some complications from the surgery which is not allowing me to exercise right now. That was always my one saving grace and my biggest mood lifter. I should of tried to hold off this surgery for the summer lol. Being stuck in the house with this cold crappy weather outside is no fun!
You will be happy to know I did not post anything and many of you may have seen the post I did in recon about the "threat" I gave to my WH. (post is listed under could use both sides or something like that). That has no doubt created tension but my WH has accepted that just like I cant control him ,he can not control me on this one.
Sorry for the long post here....Another recent stressor has been involving WH's ex, the mother of his child. From her FB postings, it appears she has recently begun dating the father of her youngest son again. Long story short, a couple of years ago, this guy contacted my WH expressing concerns about how ex was "dumping" WH's son off at grandma's all the time yada yada yada. Nothing substantial, they were clearley breaking up and shit was flying. Ex mentioned to WH back then how this guy was not helping take care of his son financially, something my WH has been diligent about on his end.
Well,this guy is now back in ex's life, thus back in Wh's son's life. My WH has been bitching about this and I finally confronted him gentley and pointed out to him that there is nothing we have heard from son that suggests this guy has been anything but good to son.
No stories of guy being "bad" to ex (ie...fighting ,violence etc...) that would impact son. The only complaint has been about the finances and that coming from his ex, so who knows the truth?
I kept pointing out to him these things and mentioned that he sounds a little jealous. He admitted that he was but not of his ex but of the guy getting to be with his son. Here he is, doing the right thing by financially supporting his son half a country away and his ex wont even work with us to allow his 9 year old son to fly as an unaccompanied minor which would save us 1,000 dollars every time he comes out . It would also allow us to see him several times a year instead of just one or two. My WH feels like this is crappy and yet another way he is shitting on him. This guy has not taken care of his responsibilities yet gets all this access to his son and here he sits.
Next day he is on fb looking at some posted photos and my son sits down and says isnt that so and so (the ex) and my WH says yes, i overheard this. So i ask him about what photos is he looking at? and he mentions that he was looking at some new photos ex posted of his son today.
Later that day, i sit down and see the new photos posted too and scroll through them and not one is of his son, all of ex and this guy. I confront my WH about there being no photos in this new set and why he would say he was looking at photos of his son if he was not. He explodes verbally and is like oh christ here we go, and tries to show me photos that he was supposedly looking at which I knew for a fact he had already seen a few days ago.
My take... he was brooding about this guy again and when my son unknowingly outed what he was doing he threw out some a white lie to me so I wouldnt get mad. He is denying he said to me that he was looking at a picture of his son when I asked but I know in my heart he said something to that fact. I had it in my head to go look for the new picture of his son because I always like seeing those photos of my step son. I was confused and surprised when I looked at the recently uploaded photos and none of them were of his son.
The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. A big part of the reason for this ONS was the pain he has over not being with his son and to see him jealous of that situation makes me feel so insecure.
I want to believe that its about his son and not his ex. That relationship was a train wreck to say the least, and he eventually left after alot of back and forth with her so if he wanted to be with her, he would be. It does not help that his ex is extremely beautiful. I mean I am no dog, and I can turn some heads but I am talking she does ballet and is a part time model(trade shows, events etc...) She is part asian and about a size 1.
I do get his pain, and my head tells me that he is truely jealous about this man coming in and getting to see HIS son everyday. I am sure he is threatened as hell by the thought of someone else "fathering" his son. However, these days, I dont trust my instincts on anything I thought I knew. I have no other reason to be suspicious of the two of them, I think I have become my own worst enemy here.
The woman I have become from all of this is one I dont recognize anymore. After this incident, I did not push the issue anymore but have felt myself pulling back from him which is not healthy.
To top it off thisSunday 1/16 is our first wedding anniversary. Whoo Hoo....(can you feel it dripping with sarcasm) Funny I will look back at 2010 as both the best and worst year of my life. What a bummer...
Sorry about the pity party. Hate being such a downer these days.
How is everybody these days? Thanks ladies for the candle making invite. I better decline at this point. The way this last month has been, I will probably end up accidentially setting myself on fire, LOL.
Let's keep this post going!
[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:08 PM, January 10th (Monday)]
I need to go read your post in Recon. I haven't seen it yet . . .
I hope you continue to heal well from the surgery!
We're doing ok, just dead tired today b/c the baby woke up at 2:30 and then wouldn't go back to sleep. UGH. Makes for a long, long day. Relationship-wise, everything going ok. We were watching a movie (well, he was watching and I was kind of wandering in and out) and there was a scene with a prostitute. He apologized to me and said he didn't know that was going to be in the movie. It didn't bother me though.
And with that I'd better run to bed - hope everyone is doing ok!