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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you got a chuckle Jana, but that was no word of a lie. I never say bad things about people and I could probably count the times I've curse pre-day one my fingers. Including when I was a baby and picked up some fun words.

I don't have anything against them or anyone that uses them, I just never felt the need to use such harsh words. August 25 Update: I have found the need to use such harsh words


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, good to see you :) Thank you for telling me about this thread.

New to the ONS thread and I hate that I'm here but I'm sure we all hate that we're here. Long story short, we're college students, wbf was in fire/EMT school last spring and a girl from his EMT class had a clinical rotation in the same city as him (not where we live) and they got a hotel room with the intention of him sleeping on the floor but he bought a condom at a gas station here where we live before the trip so it wasn't spontaneous. This happened March 2010 and DDay is Nov 2010. It happened one month after our 3 year anniversary and 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. This was a PA.

What started all this was I found an email to a girl he was friends with before he knew me, but he wrote it Oct 2010 and my gut instinct is that he had an EA with her sometime during our relationship. They don't talk anymore and he insists they were just friends. He was honest about the PA so I'm wondering why he would hide info on the EA however the email I found which started all this which lead to DDay is not platonic... "you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I didn't know what I had until I lost it, I never lost interest, It's my fault for lying" (he lied about my existence and they got into a fight and they don't talk now.. I think they had an EA, she wanted more he finally confessed he had a gf... ME)

Immediately after DDay, wbf was victimizing himself, he was suggesting a break so he could focus on getting into the fire department and even asked if we could take a break between now and next summer (that's 6 months..) so that he could get his career started and then we could get back together. It almost seems like he just wanted a guarantee that I'd be waiting. I don't know if his real intention was to see other people, wither it was the girl from the EA or not, but she has a bf and I messaged her on facebook to get her side and her boyfriend replied saying he wanted to know what happened also but asked that I leave her out of it and I should ask wbf the questions.. He STILL insists they were just good friends. If a polygraph wasn't so expensive, I'd do one on him..

We are 5 weeks past DDay and I am going to instal spyware in his computer because I just don't trust his word yet. My story is very similar to tsol's.. actually it's kind of freaky haha. But he plays video games and he talks to those people online on skype or msn messenger. He also talked to the suspected EA girl on msn messenger and I wanted to read his conversations but when he saw I reactivated his account to snoop, he deleted every contact and so there goes any evidence.. And he changed the password so I couldn't reactivate it. He also changed his skype password to "see how long it'd take me to hack into his account again"... He hasn't changed it back but I also haven't asked for the password.

I have been doing the heavy lifting and I'm not the one who freaking cheated!! So 2 days ago, I finally said I wasn't going to initiate anything anymore. He could do it and maybe he'd appreciate how I've been feeling and maybe he'd mature some (he mentioned he didn't feel mature enough at times and that's one reason he wanted the break) because it's a big responsibility.

He hasn't mentioned wanting to take a break since DDay and I told him either he was committed or he wasn't and he finally said he was and he wanted this. I don't know how much of that is because he's afraid to be alone, he's afraid he won't find anyone else and he knows I will or if it's because he really wants this. He did say he wants nothing more than to grow old with me and he felt after the break we would get back together but to me I don't see the point in a break if we'd ultimately end up back together..


SORRY FOR THE NOVEL. I have a lot on my mind. I have IC tomorrow thank goodness. I just hope I can let out the emotions because she says to cope I've blocked out my emotions and just analyzed everything. I don't like the pain :(

I also want to be with him when I let it out so he can physically see and hear my pain and my hurt and my anger and HE can realize "oh shit, I need to support her and help her because I DID THIS" is that just wishful thinking?

Thanks for letting me vent.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poopylala (love the name btw)

Sorry you are here but glad you found us.

There were several red flags in your post that suggest that WBF is not owning his shit here and is probably still involved in inappropriate behavior at best and still involved in an EA/PA situation at worst.

Let's look at his behavior...

but he bought a condom at a gas station here where we live before the trip so it wasn't spontaneous
.

Clearly premeditated, is it possible there was an EA here as well? Is it possible the cat was going to be "out of the bag" on this ONS so that is why he fessed up to this and not to the EA with the OW in the email?

he was suggesting a break so he could focus on getting into the fire department and even asked if we could take a break between now and next summer (that's 6 months..) so that he could get his career started and then we could get back together. It almost seems like he just wanted a guarantee that I'd be waiting.

Umm. that is exactly what it sounds like, I think he wanted his cake and to eat it too. Sounds like you poo pooed that, good for you!

They don't talk anymore and he insists they were just friends. However the email that started all this which lead to DDay is not platonic... " He STILL insists they were just good friends.

So even with the evidence you uncovered, he is still denying anything happened? He is still in the fog that comes with A.

He also talked to the suspected EA girl on msn messenger and I wanted to read his conversations but when he saw I reactivated his account to snoop, he deleted every contact and so there goes any evidence.. And he changed the password so I couldn't reactivate it. He also changed his skype password to "see how long it'd take me to hack into his account again"... He hasn't changed it back

Whoa!!!!! You have already caught him in lies here and his actions have been fairly pre-meditated here, he tried to get you to "give him space" after things came to light and now he is intentionally keeping passwords from you and deleting messages?

I hate to be the one again with a 2x4 on this thread but you need to decide what is acceptable for you, draw the line in the sand and follow through with consequences if that line is crossed by your WBF. He is not taking responsibility for what is CLEARLY inappropriate behaviors and likely a continuing EA/PA here.

If you want to consider R with this man, it has to occur on both sides. One person cant R and right now that is exactly what is happening in IMO.

I am so sorry u are going through this. Please think about where you want to go from here and check out the 180 information in the healing library, I think tsol can direct you to it, she has the link I think. At minimum I think a 180 is in order here until you figure out exactly where you want to go next.

Hugs to you.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:50 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

For some reason, he cannot meet my need for verbal affirmation and he cannot handle my angry outbursts regarding this situation

Can you elaborate? Is he unwilling or so emotional torn up about the ONS that it turns into being about him?

I hope MC is soon for you guys, it sounds like a good place to knock him up side the head with what he has NOT been doing for you.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey poopylala...yes the pain sure does suck. Your heart has been broken. It hurts. I know what you mean when you said you want him to see and know the pain he has caused you. He has to / needs to see the pain and be accountable for it. Has WBF shown any remorse? Does he understand that if he ever has a chance of making this work with you, WBF has to be an open book. Trust is earned. WBF broke it so now he must do the work to help fix your relationship.

Please try the 180 as soon as you can. It definately does work and helps make you feel stronger I am 7 weeks out from D-day and, well, it's hard at times. Still very fresh. IC is great. Sleep, eat, exercise if you can and know that SI is always here. Vent anytime! Take care of yourself....


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have already started the 180. In fact, Sunday, I told him what he's done that I appreciate (answering my questions, being honest when he has been, and for the first time in like a year, he initiated a little date) I also told him I needed consistency and I wasn't feeling that so from Sunday on, I was not going to initiate a damn thing- it was up to him to do the heavy lifting as I feel I've been doing more than my share of it while he sits back and watches.

I've kept true to my word and today, he did something new- he called me from his work just to say hi and to see how my day was going so far. I had just gotten out of IC and was telling my roommate what we talked about in today's session so I was feeling very confused and angry and sad and when he called, I was so surprised and a little unsure of how to handle it as I wasn't in a happy place and it was new territory for me.

The EA is something I suspect but haven't confirmed and the PA has been confirmed but they are two different people, in case there was any confusing about that. I emailed EA girl a few weeks ago to ask her for her side and I also sent a copy of it in a facebook message- her bf replied to the message saying he too wondered what happened but asked I leave her out of it. Well this morning she replied to my email saying her bf didn't want her involved but my email had been stuck in her mind and she decided she wanted to help and asked if I still had any questions and I just asked a couple of broad questions (did he ever express interest in being more than just friends//what happened between you guys that lead him to write that email) and at the end I told her I really don't have any negative feelings towards her- especially when she's a victim too because she didn't know about me although PA girl did.. but she is a skank.. or as tsol says, a WHOREFACE :)

In IC today, we talked about wbf's effort or lack thereof but he hasn't continued contact with the girl he had the PA with and he hasn't talked to the girl I suspect he had an EA with since he wrote the email in October AND they hadn't talked for some time before that. I think he doesn't feel like he needed to do much because I was continuing to do it all for us both but now that he sees I am serious AND he saw I could fucntion without him (saturday before our date, he kept having other things to do so I got sick of waiting around and said I was going to do something else. he got upset and said he'd just go on the trip to the mall alone for his cousin and aunt's xmas presents alone and I said i didn't know when he was planning on going and I wouldn't sit around but when he was ready to go, he could tell me and we'd go)

Also I haven't showing him my emotions as I haven't really let them out so it's probably harder for him to see how I'm affected when I appear happy and normal.. But I did cry a bit today and surprisingly enough, the headache I've had for the past like week went away so maybe it was from tension from keeping it all in? I don't know..

I realize I also didn't clarify this but he talked to EA girl on messesnger in the past, not currently. But when I went on his account to snoop he got a notification on his phone that the account was reactivated so he went on to delete it all so it could stay deactivated and fully delete.

I have made up my mind and I told him Sunday if I don't see consistent effort by the end of January, I was going to rethink my decision to stay. Honestly, I need peace of mind and I need to be in a TWO-sided relationship.. I can't be in R alone as you said and he complained he feels we've made zero progress but it's only been 5 weeks. He should try being in my shoes.. He wouldn't be complaining about lack of progress or a few questions I wanted to ask. And I wish he would be more transparent. I said I was backing off everything, including my questions- he could ask me if there was anything I wanted to know or needed to ask. I don't know if he'll do it but I guess within the next two weeks if he doesn't I'll have to rethink that part of the 180. I'm just scared I'll be strong and then I'll go back on my word on one thing and he'll think I'm back to how I used to be- being the one to do everything.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is quite a bit of great information on SI. It definately helps to have someone relate to the way you feel inside. Because you're not really sure how you feel....it's just an incredible sadness. I didn't find this site until a week after D-day, so I didn't know about the 180. I know I did all the wrong things. I yelled, cried, yelled some more, left for a while, came back and yelled and cried. Just couldn't believe he went to a hooker. Twice. Betrayal. Risked our family. When I was told about the 180 I started it the very next day. It does empower you. Not to say I haven't slipped, but for the most part I hold to it. Everyday does get a little better. Every day will get better for you too poopylala (OMG..how did you come up with that name!) lol!!

WBF feels you have made zero progress? What exactly is WBF doing to help you in this process. You are right tho..WBF s/b doing alot more to show remorse and empathy for what he has done. He has to be consistent until you are ready. Not until he thinks you should be ready. Trust your gut.
Do you like/click with your IC?


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is slowly doing a little more to show his committment but I'm still wary at times. I love my IC. She is patient and understand but also tells me things even if I don't want to hear them but says them in a nice way so that I can handle them.

I think WBF feels we've regressed because I had a bad day yesterday. I don't see him as often as I'd like but he said he feels like he's doing everything wrong or keeps messing up. I explained that progress was made by both of us working together to rebuild trust, love, and intimacy. Right now I'm concerned with rebuilding the trust and he hasn't been 100% transparent but I haven't asked him since the beginning to be transparent and he said he changed his skype password to "see how long it'd be before I tried signing back on again" but I think I'm going to ask him for his skype password tonight or tomorrow just to see if he'll be transparent.

It's been 5 weeks and I just started 180 on Sunday and so far it's helping me with myself and helping me stay strong and learn about myself. I just want to be strong for myself. Right now, my 180 is me not initiating anything as I've always been the initiator before. It's nice but also frustrating when he doesn't talk to me when I want to talk to him. But I've been strong so far and I can keep doing it.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or I can just ask him how he's doing and how he feels about things between us and see what exactly makes him feel we've made zero progress.

I feel we've made quite a bit of progres. I no longer come up with lists of questions at 3am because I can't sleep. I have a decent appetite again and while I still haven't gained all the weight back (I'm still about 10 pounds below what I was before DDay) I don't spend my days shaking and lost in space like I did before. I'VE made personal progress but I don't think he realizes that he needs to help me more than he has to rebuild the trust. I haven't asked for much but as someone said in a completely different post, I don't want him to do what I asked. I want him to do EVERYTHING possible to help. I want him to do things without me having to ask him although he can't read my mind so he won't always know what I want.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

la la,

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

I think this is one of the most helpful pieces of information out there. When my WH finally read it, he even admitted that he wish he would of read it sooner and that I could of written it myself, the description of what we BS/BGF go through is spot on .

Read it and see what you think? You can then give it to your WBF for guidance. He will have direction and you will have something helpful to guage whether or not he is truely committed to doing things to help you through this.

I know it made all the difference for us. You are going to continue to roller coaster for many months, hon. Its part of the healing. I am 5 months out and still do although I have more good days than bad , although my bad days have changed from hurt/pain to numbness/flatness where I want to just say f_____ it and walk away.

Its a long road ahead but if you and your WBF are up to it, you can R successfully. It is going to take alot of time, both of you need to be prepared for that.

T too much, glad to see things are going a bit better for you, I was worried about you!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, my turn :(

Last couple of nights have been rough.

Some background I have not shared...
My life in almost all aspects has gotten worse in the 5 years since I met my H, LOL. Sad but true. Dont get me wrong, we have had a very good relationship prior to ONS, it was probably the one thing that kept me going.

From medical problems to severe financial problems due to layoffs for both of us, its been some of the most challenging years of my life . Now I am no longer in my career field as a result of a layoff and I have desperately trying to get back in but am stuck as to what I can apply for. This is because of the responsibility I have to help support my family and help get my WH through school( he will be done in 2012, God willing.) In addition, I am limited in my ability to move because of the custody arrangement with my ex hubby and our children. All of this has been hard on me as I have felt so down on myself and like my life has been stuck in neutral. However,I tried to approach it as I was doing it all to support my family's greater good . Our priority for the last 4 years was getting my WH through school(while he works too), it was going to be worth the sacrifice.

Well you can imagine how much the betrayal doublely hurt when I felt like my life has been on hold to make his dreams happen and he did this to me! It just added to the devastation!

Two days ago, I yet again was not selected for a position at the large healthcare facility where I work for a job that would actually start to challaege me mentally again. Jobs I am qualified for (my degree is in psych/social work not nursing ) where I work are few and far between maybe 3 have popped up in the past 2 years I have been here that I qualify for. So, it was just another blow to my self esteem as I am desperate to have some direction again in my life .( The benefits here are really good and to leave this organization at this point with the economy the way it is and find something that pays the same with benefits like this would be nearly impossible.)

Well it threw me into a real tailspin as you can imagine because who knows when something else will come along. I started to relive the pain again from the ONS. My WH was really great with helping me so I started to feel a bit better. However, that night we were talking about how women can be really girly when it comes to their weddings even girls that are not very girly. He comments that yah, I even got a more formal wedding dress when we got married even though it was my second marriage and I am not very girly.

Maybe I was overreacting but it really stung. I was already feeling like a failure , and there I was acting foolish at my second wedding. It just made me feel like I put too much emphasis on this marriage and maybe he did not put enough, thus here we are with the situation we have.

Sorry for the rambling, I have not slept well and I guess I am having a bit of a pity party here :(

For the few out there that whose D days are further out, do you guys have this? When there is stress or disappointments non ONS related in your life, it throws you back into one of my moods of hopelessness, sadness and relive the hurt and pain from the ONS?

I guess I am surprised that my ability to cope with things in my life is so limited still. I also notice when I am tired from lack of sleep, I am more triggery and more easily fall into a funk. Do you guys find this is true?

[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:39 AM, December 16th (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurting))
I'm sorry for what you are going through, especially during this time of year it must be very frustrating.

Is your WH in ft or pt school? And is it year-round or 2 terms/year? If he is in full time, maybe he could switch to pt this semester and then complete the rest of the courses in the summer term (if he doesn't already have courses then). That might help take some of the strain off you because he could work a little more. I say this and TRY not to roll my eyes, but there is a lot of funding out there for school (even though I can never seem to find it) but I hope that he is able to get some because tuition/books are EXPENSIVE. We'll have to have a celebration party because I'm supposed to graduate in 2012 too.

I don't think there's any reason to feel foolish about the wedding. sure you had had one already, but does that mean you aren't supposed to get excited? "Oh hey hunny, I love you but since I've already had a wedding this is all kinda boring for me" NO! I think if you weren't excited that would be concerning. And every girl likes to get dressed up a little bit once in a while. A whole day for you, when you spend so much time being there for and helping and worrying about anyone else. Heck yes you are entitled to buy yourself the most wonderful dress you can find.

And you are not a failure either. You may be having a rough couple of years but that only means things are getting better. And we appreciate you here. You have great comments for all of my posts and offer great advice.

I can definitely relate to other factors bringing back ons pain. That's the reason I've been feeling so down lately. Wbf hasn't really done anything that could significantly upset me but I feel like the world is crashing around me. I get stressed and then my mind starts buzzing and then I trigger and then I panic and then I don't sleep. I think that's completely normal and I'm glad your WH is being supportive through all of it. Remember this is a long process and from what I gather, you are doing well more often than not. Which is enough progress, I think you are doing great, especially considering everything that you have to deal with


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting, I emailed him that very link a few weeks ago but maybe he didn't take it as seriously as he should have or maybe he doesn't remember it all. But I am considering following tsol's footsteps and printing them out so he has a hard copy to reference. Thank you for helping me when you were having a rough time yourself

(((((hurting)))))

I'm sorry you were supporting him through his dreams at the expense of your own when he betrayed you!! That's so selfish of him. I don't know if his comment was meant in a harsh way but it was definitely insensitive. I agree, it doesn't matter what number wedding it is- 1st, 2nd, 100th..- he should be happy you were so excited to marry him and as it's your day too, you should be able to wear whatever YOU wanted. I think being tired creates even higher sensitivity to triggers. Don't apologize for the pity party. Sometimes we need a little pity party to let us experience whatever negative feelings we're having because if we don't let them out, as I've been told I keep them in, they can hurt us rather than help us. And we should throw a graduation party because I too am graduating on 2012! I am so sorry job hunting hasn't gone better for you and it's tough to deal with infidelity AND a sucky economy. What's taht saying- when we reach the bottom, the only place we have to go is back up? I hope things will turn out better soon! Have you looked at jobs that are a little farther away? Or applying in a new area, like at a school or at a business (like in HR or something) or how about a government branch? I don't know too much about job opportunities or where you have looked and applied but wbf's neighor got a job counseling troubled teen girls and she just graduated with a BA in psych. Are there any programs like that around you?


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks la la and tsol....

I know my WH did not intentionally mean to hurt me with the dress comment but it was insensitive. He stuck his foot in his mouth and he knows it now. My sensitive mood that night definately contributed to my response. I just want to be back to my old self when i would of not gotten so upset about a comment like that, like all of wish I guess huh?

As far as work, I have a whole list of websites that I check routinely including state,county and federal jobs in the area. I am limited in locale because I will not give up my time with my kids to travel to and from work in addition to the fact that I dont want to uproot the kids into another school district etc....It doesnt leave much.

The job I have now has good benefits, good pay (for what I do)and the hours are pretty good for kids but just not challenging and leaves me alot of down time. I lost about 13,000 in pay when I lost my last job and took this so we have already at to cut cut cut from our family budget, so there is just nothing left to cut out.

My WH has been going to school p/t (except for the year he was laid off he went f/t)for 4 1/2 years for electrical engineering. He had to go part time because both of our salaries are needed to run the household at this point,especially since that drastic paycut.

Unfortunately, school help comes in the form of just tuition/books but not money to live on for a non traditional student. We cant exactly live in a dorm now can we, lol. He gets some grant money, student loans , some help from the military and that covers a great deal of his private education. There are no public univerisities in our area that have an EE program. We would have to move downstate and uproot the kids for that. Its the living expenses that force us to both work. Dont get me wrong, we are tickled with the help we get but its just not enough. It is meant to support a single person without kids or responsibilities to finish school, not a married 32 year old with kids. :)

Since we have such rigid perimeters to deal with, it makes it that much more difficult and that is just life I guess.

Anyway, I am digressing.

Thanks for your input. My WH and I have the understanding that once he is done with school and working in his field, it becomes all about me then and what I want to do with my career future.

It JUST REALLY STINGS that this happened after what I feel like I put on hold for him. la la, you are right, it was selfish of him!!!! Damn it!!!

Like so many of us here, I think our SO takes us for granted until shit like this happens and only then they realize what they truely have! To his credit, my WH has stated many times how much he appreciates my sacrifices. It is just an unnerving position for me as I am not use to having to rely on someone in this manner. Trust has already been broken. How do I know when he is done with school, he wont up and find himself some 25 year old arm candy and say see ya, thanks for the help!

Ok that is my insecurities talking again, I know but there is just so much that no longer feels secure and I have a WH that has been loving and supportive! I can't imagine being in some people's shoes here in SI.

Hugs to everyone, have a good weekend and thanks for the love!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 11:38 AM, December 17th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting
The tone between your last two posts has changed, I'm taking that as you are feeling a little better. I hope you are.

And I'm sure as we get closer and closer to the end of the stressful holiday season we will all feel a little bit better. Able to deal with things in what we feel is a more reasonable manner. This past week I've been all over the place and I know it's because as I get stressed about other things, the ons starts to fill my head. I get upset about that, and then I stress about how I'm not focusing on things I need to do.

School funding tends to be crappy and I'm not sure of how different it is where you are. I know in Ontario they take into consideration whether or not you have children, live on your own etc. But they still never seem to give out enough. And I do know that American schools are a lot more expensive than Canadian school and if he's in a private school it's even more. So congrats on being able to do it. Not everyone could put forth the work on both of your ends to return to school and do what it takes to afford it.

I also hope that you find an amazing job doing what you want to do. A dull job that doesn't keep your mind turning can drive you crazy.

I think the fear of "what if he leaves me when he's done school" kind of thing is worsened by SI sometimes. We see all of these truly tragic cases and we begin to worry if there's more. I'm not saying we wouldn't without SI, once that trust is broken, the waters out of the damn and insecurities and "what ifs" flow everywhere. But I think we can be happy to say that we are not in those truly extreme cases, we are just devastating cases. I'm sure you probably already have or plan to, but tell wh your worries so he can do his best to convince you otherwise


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurting))

Oh can I relate to sacrificing for the WS. I had been almost single-momming it with our daughter all summer while he did 10,000 things to "build his business" but also found time to golf with his buddies every weekend. The trip he was on when the ONS occurred was for his business. Thankfully he understands that there will be no more little overnight road trips for the biz w/o me! It's frustrating as hell when you're doing the best you can to be the best wife and you get taken advantage of!

I'm so sorry about the job - that hurts.

The comment about the dress sounds so much like something my husband would say! I think sometimes they don't think!

I DEFINITELY find that when I'm tired, I'm MUCH more emotional. Sometimes I just need to sleep for a while and then my problems don't seem so overwhelming.

((poopylala))
It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Don't let him push you around about your progress/lack of progress. You'll heal when you heal. And that's ok.

Jana,

For some reason, he cannot meet my need for verbal affirmation and he cannot handle my angry outbursts regarding this situation
Can you elaborate? Is he unwilling or so emotional torn up about the ONS that it turns into being about him?


I have avoided answering this for a while because when I was in the moment and really upset, my answer to "can you elaborate?" was, "He doesn't love me enough."

That's not it. He can't handle a lot of emotion coming at him. He never has been able to, for as long as I have known him. He shuts down and/or retreats. It's his MO. My MO is to go ballistic when I'm ignored and to push harder and harder and get wilder and wilder, looking for a reaction, some crack in his armor, to show that he has some feelings.

He showed a lot of emotion right after D-Day. Now he's back to the way he was before. I don't think that means that the emotion he showed after D-Day was not genuine. Just that it is not a level of emotion he can sustain.

I'm still being detached. Trying not to get annoyed when I say things like, "I'm so sick of hearing Katy Perry songs and seeing her everywhere," and he responds, "She is a pretty girl though." Yet he cannot tell his wife she is pretty after being repeatedly asked and also being told repeatedly by our counselor that it would be most helpful for him to say those things? It's maddening but I'm telling myself it's about him, not about me.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not it. He can't handle a lot of emotion coming at him. He never has been able to, for as long as I have known him. He shuts down and/or retreats. It's his MO. My MO is to go ballistic when I'm ignored and to push harder and harder and get wilder and wilder, looking for a reaction, some crack in his armor, to show that he has some feelings.

anad

He showed a lot of emotion right after D-Day. Now he's back to the way he was before. I don't think that means that the emotion he showed after D-Day was not genuine. Just that it is not a level of emotion he can sustain.

and this

I'm still being detached. Trying not to get annoyed when I say things like, "I'm so sick of hearing Katy Perry songs and seeing her everywhere," and he responds, "She is a pretty girl though." Yet he cannot tell his wife she is pretty after being repeatedly asked and also being told repeatedly by our counselor that it would be most helpful for him to say those things? It's maddening but I'm telling myself it's about him, not about me.

Jana you just summed up exactly everything I was feeling regarding the emotion thing. Generally I'm not a words of affirmation type, I'm not saying I don't like it but I'm much more quality time/conversation. Since dday however, I feel like I require ALL of them. I think he should be trying on all fronts. But alas, he has not done the quiz yet so I'm left guessing where his head is at.

I've posted the question of how to get ws to open up with emotions in a way that is less..threatening or like where's the first baby step there in bs qs for ws. Maybe they can inspire us.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kind of wishing I hadn't typed out the Katy Perry thing. I'm getting infuriated thinking about it. Also the night I was looking at my old high school yearbook and he pointed out a girl from my class and said, "She's pretty." You know what? Katy Perry has millions of people to tell her she's pretty. That girl I went to high school with (who IS very pretty btw) has her own husband to say she's pretty. They don't need his fucking affirmation. I do. God it makes me so annoyed. And he said in counseling that it wasn't that he CAN'T do it, he just needs some time. WHY? See, then the road I go down is, ok, so he sees Katy Perry or chick from the yearbook and thinks they're pretty, so he says it b/c that's what he thinks. It's not something he even has to make an effort to do. But apparently since he doesn't REALLY think I'm pretty, it doesn't pop into his head to say it.

Not about me, about him, not about me, about him . . . repeat 'til I believe it . . . .


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((janagreen)))

I think if he can say that girl in your yearbook was pretty, he should be able to say you are too. What about jokingly pointing at your own picture and asking "what about this girl?" to kind of bring to light that you want a little reassurance. I don't get why it'd take him time to say something when he can point out that the others are pretty. I'm sure you're very pretty and I think maybe he's just being a dick.. Or maybe he doesn't get that you need reassurance about your looks. Have you tried just telling him flat out you need verbal reaffirmation and it's fine that he says katy perry is pretty but you'd like to be told that too? Sometimes I want to give them a taste of their own medicine and say that other people are hot and not tell him and see how he likes it. Like with WBF, I want to complain that I feel we've made zero progress and see how he feels.. I mean I know that's childish but still..

(((janagreen)))


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that WBF has continued initiating things on his own- he brought me my favorite food as a surprise tonight without even telling me anything. I wasn't home so he left it on my doorstep with a bow. And he invited me to the movies tomorrow after I get off work so I feel he's doing a little more to show me he's at least willing to initiate. As for the trust process, I haven't asked him for the two passwords he changed so I may do that tomorrow after I ask him how he's doing and where he thinks we are and all that fun stuff.

I stopped by his house to see him after I got home to tell him thank you for my food and he said he just wanted to do something to make me happy. :)


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
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