Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wbf also never lied about any aspect of what he did. That doesn't mean I trust him. I lost the trust because he lied about our relationship and the values we had within it. I'm conflicted because he gave me a promise ring years ago. He broke that promise so I don't want to wear it but at the same time it reminds me that he does care even if he is lost right now -so now it's a necklace, there to remind me and try not to hurt me. Trust is something that is hard to earn and even harder to re-establish once it's been broken. Only the people that you care most about have the ability to destroy your trust this thoroughly and efficiently. I'm assuming, because I'm not that far to have learned from experience, that with time he will be able to show the he is trustworthy. With the proof that he gives, eventually you will be able to sincerely say "have fun tonight" without wanting to add a comment about keeping his pants on.

I can tell you after a month and of denial the movies came back with a vengeance, as if they had been brewing. The weekend he was gone was the absolute worst. It was like watching avatar in imax 3D. At this point they have leveled off a little bit again, I can push them into the background. This has led me to decide that I'm ready for more details, which kind of scares me a little bit but I don't think it's anything worse than I have "seen".

I did talk to him Thursday night and I got to see my IC first which helped. One of the things I really like about my IC is that she is much more similar to my wbf personality-wise. She's much clearer and open with her thoughts so I feel I can get his perspective of a situation from her. The downside is, when I really want her to agree with me but explains something in a completely logical wbf friendly way. Then I just get pouty for not being absolutely right. But she did give me her input on the weekend he was away with the texting crisis. I admit that wbf does not do well with written communication and he is a "social butterfly" so it went against his nature to pull out his cell to give me updates. If I had have been in a different room of the same place, he would have come to find me.

With my new perspective I went over to wbf's house intending to talk to him but still not wanting to ruin it. One of his favorite songs right now is Mumford and Sons -Little Lion Man. (listen to it and imagine ws singing it = trigger, it's one I can deal with better as it's one of my favorite).
(now if only my essay was this easy to write.. )


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, this may seem like a strange question and a bit trivial but I am going to ask it.

I was recently reading a post of someone on R blog that had their 1 year d-day anniversary. For those of us with true ONS, that either have or have not reached their "anniversary", what date bothered you the most, d-day or the day of the actual ONS?

As I look forward, I would think that I will likely trigger on the ONS day, knowing where he was a year ago. Hell, I may trigger on d day too, who knows. All I know is that i usually refer back to the ONS date for triggers, not the d day.

Just curious on your thoughts?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate, sorry!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 5:12 PM, November 15th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
sad/madtothebone
♀ Member
Member # 29150
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you, Hurting38. One time during a discussion, my WH said that DDay was the worst day of his life. I said, oh really, because the night before (of the incident) was the worst one of my life. He had no answer to that.


Feeling like I will never know the truth. Wondering if I can live without it or will it eat me up in the end?

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: N. TX
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like the end half of my earlier post isn't there. So I will attempt to finish my story. I got upset when I heard the song and we ended up talking. I've been noticing that he has been sort of "sitting back and waiting for 'time'" to happen. I tried to explain that he has to be more active. He asked how and I gave him suggestions but I don't think it really sank in. He was also shocked when I gave him an estimated timeline on how long it takes to recover from this. It worries me that he might decide that it's not worth it.
(My original post was a lot better and clearer on what happened but I just don't have the energy now.)

ONS day was the day before dday so I think it will just be a bad time all together. Monthly the week that encompasses the days still upsets me. But alas 8/24 and 8/25 seem so far away I have no idea where I'll be at that point...


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting...the night he actually went to her hotel room and let her f*ck him is the worst day for me. yeah, the day I discovered his secret email account was our official D-day, but the day that crushes my soul is the day he actually had the ONS.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was recently reading a post of someone on R blog that had their 1 year d-day anniversary. For those of us with true ONS, that either have or have not reached their "anniversary", what date bothered you the most, d-day or the day of the actual ONS?

I had a miscarriage in Jan '09. Actually a missed miscarriage - the baby had stopped growing a couple of weeks before but we discovered it at my 11-week appointment. My baby's due date was July 26, 2009.

Guess what the date of the ONS was? Wee hours of the morning July 26.

Also our sweet min pin passed away in Nov '08 (two days after I found out I was pregnant with the baby I would lose two months later). Her birthday? July 26.

So July 26 already sucked balls for me. So I'm thinking that day will be horrible. Although I'm sure the anniversary of the confession will suck too.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6171 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate, sorry!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:22 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6171 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

How horrible, I am so sorry for you....I say we scrap the whole month of July from the calendar.

I had a stupid trigger this a.m. Its so strange what things your brain will connect to the ONS. Here was my thought process this a.m.

My son brought home a flier for movie night at his school for this Friday. Families go to the school gym and have popcorn and drinks and watch a recent released movie on the projection system. It was Toy Story 3. It made me sick to see it because that is the movie we went to see the day before as a family before my WH left to take his son back to CA, where the ONS happened. I shook that off but then my mind wandered to the fireworks we went and saw that same evening as a family on the 4th. I remembered something I had forgotten. I remember one point, looking over at my WH with his son in his arms and my youngest in my arms with my oldest by my feet and I remember thinking ,what a perfect moment, I am so lucky. Little did I know that a mere 24 hours later, my WH would be in a hotel room with some slut going down each other then trying to screw her.

Tough blow this a.m., I hate triggers :(


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what date bothered you the most, d-day or the day of the actual ONS

I do not even remember my D-day date, I know it is in October, but honestly do not remember the date. I do not get triggery or extra sad during October as many do during or close to their D-day. I anticipated these negative things from what I read here, but it just did not come to be. For me, D-day was a "good" day, strange as that may sound. I finally got the truth, the relief was soooo huge.

That said, I do have certain dates that get me big time.

Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary are all tough.

But the worst day and time of year for me is Valentines. Our first date was on Valentines. My H choose to have his infidelities on more V-days than I care to count. (he had them on other dates as well, but these are the ones that "hurt" me the most). He claims that he did not intentionally plan it this way, but I figure there has to be some sort of sub conscious thing.

Anyhow, this V-day, 2011 will be our 25th anniversary of our first date........not sure how it will go......

((((Jana))))) so sorry.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad/mad to the bone,

I like your vignettes, lol!
do you know of any others? I have seen one other that was really funny. I wish they had a place to post all of them. It helps to heal I think when you can laugh a bit.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What date bothers you the most, d-day or the day of the actual ONS?

The date (and time) of the ONS.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
whydidyou
♀ Member
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I would say D-date Monsay 1/04/10 6:40 am

Maybe only because I know ONS date not exact time.
Both suck

[This message edited by whydidyou at 9:35 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This week has been insanely busy for me and I've been up, down and all over the place. We still aren't getting to see each other often and it doesn't look like our schedules will be balancing out anytime soon (Christmas season is very busy for both of us). It's really frustrating trying to get through it but never getting to sit in a room together.

Last night we were video calling and he decided to sing me a song, which was adorable. But then I started listening to the lyrics which upset me and I cried, which upset him. Now I'm stuck in the thought pattern wondering why and how he could do this. How deluded was he to think that one night of sex with some random he doesn't know was worth destroying a relationship? He can't even say he was confused and thought he was in love or anything (not that that would make it better, just maybe less confusing for me right now)

Anyone have tips to get past these thoughts?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol

It's really frustrating trying to get through it but never getting to sit in a room together.

You have no idea how much I can relate to this comment. It has really slowed down the healing process for me as well.

I am not sure if its this time of year or what but I am noticing more regression in my thought patterns as well tsol. So, I am in little position to offer advice today. The only thing that occaisionally has been working for me is to tell myself that I need to live in today, the present. The past is the past, focus on right now and what he is NOT doing today. It helps sometimes....I think we may need to defer to some of those here with more experience on this one.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've realized that once again it's coming up to the 25. That darn day. And the week of the 25 never goes well for me. And then I realized that the 25 is Christmas next month

Anyways we have started trying to have lunches together in between our shifts and while that's not enough time to talk about much, it is nice just to be together. I'm also hoping that it makes it easier to take an hour out of our longer times together to have important talks.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've realized that once again it's coming up to the 25. That darn day. And the week of the 25 never goes well for me. And then I realized that the 25 is Christmas next month
Anyways we have started trying to have lunches together in between our shifts and while that's not enough time to talk about much, it is nice just to be together. I'm also hoping that it makes it easier to take an hour out of our longer times together to have important talks.


big ((((HUGS)))) to you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6171 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, November 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh...so I have no spent most of the day on and off SI!

So wbf had a ons. Never had any contact with her before or after that night. He wouldn't even have a way of contacting her if he wanted to (which thankfully, he doesn't). He also told me the next day he didn't tt or blameshift or any of those terrible ws moves. Because of this I've never really asked for email passwords or cell phone access. It just hasn't really felt relevant to our situation. I was reading the "keys to R" thread and of course everyone commented on full transparency-being the emails and cell phones. Should I be asking for this? Out of principal or ...because "if he could do this, he could do that"? Or does it not seem necessary for this case?

I'm now going to force myself to bed (actually this time ) comments when you wonder by are appreciated


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my situation with one ONS and no further contact is very similar(wouldnt be able to reach her if he tried, he cant remember her first name!), I feel compelled to respond.

I did ask for the password information although I felt the same way as you. It was more because of the fact that I did not trust my instincts anymore about judging people plus I wanted to know that he was serious enough about R to give them to me.

My WH is a saver, he had emails dated back from 2003! I was able to see things back before we even dated. I found nothing out of the ordinary. I did find old emails from old girlfriends before we dated in his archives so I know the emails were not "cleaned" out, nor did I see any blocks of time missing in emails. I ask to see his phone a couple of times and checked his texts there and found nothing as well. That was uncomfortable for both of us but he did it. I am a technologically challanged so I had to have him show me how to use his kind of phone,lol.

For me, it helped to not see anything but also I was able to look back at some of the emails and compare non A related stories about his past to what he told me about his past. It made me feel a whole lot better because his version of things seemed accurate. It only reinforced in my head that he has not had a history of deceiving me about things.

I think you need to go with your gut. If you are comfortable at this point, I wouldnt push it or do it just because you think you should. If R is going well and you are not suspicious, than I would leave it alone. Others may disagree.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 12:10 PM, December 1st (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked for the passwords etc even though my WH also hadn't lied, was disgusted with himself etc I wanted to know he would give them to me, and as hurting38 said, confirm that he was the person I thought he was. Also to try to glean what I could about his thought processes, relationships with others... I was hoping to catch discussion with a friend or something about what happened but never did, he still doesn't talk about it with anyone but IC, MC and me, he is too ashamed. But it helped with the initial "OMG who ARE you?" reaction to know that really, this incident was the aberration and not that he had somehow been deceiving me all along. In our case there was a chance that she would try to contact him, she usually emailed him before an industry conference they always both attended to make plans to hang out, but I headed her off at the pass this time by writing her an email suggesting that it wouldn't be a good idea in light of her lousy boundaries around married men. I don't know for sure that she got my mail (she didn't respond, I requested she not) but she didn't try to contact him either.

We're a year and a half out now and I still check sometimes, just because. Trust, but verify.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Topic Posts: 969
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.