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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still around reading.
Enmeshed in a miserable mess of extracting my DD and her 2 children from an abusive marriage and pending (to be filed this Friday) divorce.

Supporting her financially, getting them "set up" in a new location (furniture, food, clothing, medical care, emotionally, etc.)

Oh, and I took her to the local ER Monday - she's got genital herpes with a massive outbreak - and she's in a LOT of pain.

What a f'n mess. There are times that my DH's ONS seems trivial compared to what she (our DD) has to deal with at the moment - and in her future.

Half-full vs. half-empty way of looking at life at the moment.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestated, I am so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I can imagine the heartache you must have watching your child go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with your family, and I wish you all of the best.

(((Devestatedx5)))

[This message edited by just breathe. at 9:13 AM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Devestated)))

It's all about perspective isn't it. Things could be better, but they could be worse. I wish change were not necessary for growth, but it is.

Keep the glass half full, your family needs your strength; they are lucky to have you.

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if our WH confess to a ONS, how do we REALLY know it was a ONS, or multiple ONS's? That's what torments me.

Also my WH gave me an STD. Whatcha think the likelyhood of getting a STD from just one encounter is? I know it's possible, but just how likely?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pain - Well, in my case I had concrete evidence of his bar bill, and the hotel bill on our CC statement; also an email to his male friend setting up their little boys night out. These were all after he confessed, btw. Since I've pored over all banking and CC statements, there are no red flags for longer than the past year. I saw with my own eyes the transformation of my WH, almost immediately after his ONS - he looked awful, haunted, "dead eyes", miserable like I'd never seen him before. After he confessed, he was scared as hell of losing me, but those other "symptoms" were gone.

And yep, you can get an STD from one time. The skank that he picked up gave him chlamydia (classy gal); he saw a doctor less than a week later for his first round of tests, and he's subsequently been tested at least two other times, and saw two different urologists (he was convinced this person gave him something else - he was so disgusted and scared). Basically it was his conscience, and as he said, "feeling dirty," like the ONS just wouldn't come off. Incidentally he'll be going for another round next week, as it will have been 6 months since his ONS.

Luckily, the only times we were intimate - between his ONS, confession, and multiple testing - it was all about me (if you get my drift) We didn't actually have sex until after all of his rounds of tests came back negative - over a month post confession day. Looking back, the fact that he didn't want anything for himself should have been a HUGE red flag for me in those weeks before he confessed. Sigh. Hindsight is 20/20, huh?

He told me that there was no way he'd put me at risk until he was sure everything was safe...which on some level I appreciate, but hey - you should have thought of that before putting yourself in that position at all, buddy.

I believe my WH that it was only this one time, but can we ever know 100%? I'm not sure.

Is this typical behavior for your H? Has he cheated in past relationships? What rationale has he given you for what he did?

(edited for some clarity)

[This message edited by just breathe. at 11:22 AM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just breathe, don't mean to "butt in" but this I found interesting

I

believe my WH that it was only this one time, but can we ever know 100%? I'm not sure.

I thought this myself. My H doesn't have many chances away from me to do what he did, his "opportunity" came about at a conference he attends for work 3 times a year. And after discovery in May, I too wondered, if this is the first time he's done this to me. I found out on 5/5 that YES it was his first time, because she was stupid enough to send him a "fishing" email after he told her NC and she tried to convince him that since I didn't know they had sex at initial discovery that they could continue talking because I was "stupid" and he replied to her (not knowing I would check his email and see the communication) he said that I wasn't sneaky or deceitful like that (her) and that I confront everything head on and he said to her "what happened between us in XXX stays there no one knows a thing and that is the first time I have ever done anything like this".

So, lucky for me, in my instance I found out by "mistake" that yes this was his first time at this. Still makes me should have never happened a first time.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeless, you are *definitely* not butting in! Thank you for responding! That's why I needed to bump this thread - sometimes I need to hear from others suffering in the "ONS camp" - I know each and every act of infidelity is devastating, but I often feel like my situation doesn't always fit the "A" mode. Probably not making any sense here...


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he told me about it the following day, had to, no protection.

Unfortunately, not all men think that way. Apparently, not only my husband but our 'Christian' mc at the time, decided it was really none of my business to know he'd opened himself, and me, to disease. He backpedaled a bit when I pointed out he'd put my health and even our future children's, at risk, and all of a sudden, a condom appeared in the story. Then of course he had to explain why he happened to have a condom at all in his apartment, when he and I were separated. And naturally, he had just happened to have just one, because he wasn't planning any of this, so he didn't go out and buy a whole box....

Yeah, I tend to think he didn't use one.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I often feel like my situation doesn't always fit the "A" mode. Probably not making any sense here...

I feel this way ALOT on here. so you're making PERFECT sense to me.

My problem is as far as the sex goes, it was a ONS, yet he turned it into an EA by calling her and talking for 3 weeks. No LTA or anything but it's hard to know where to actually "fit in" here sometimes.

Feel free to PM me anytime you want to vent.

HR


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still here...

Been dealing with separating from my H. My choice...we are dating now...we will see what happens. He is doing everything he can to fix this...has since dday...but I needed to figure out if I could get past it enough to stay with him...we will see.

As far as having to tell due to no protection? not my H. I didnt find out for 9 years. I feel like I was very lucky not to have contracted something. I have been tested, and will continue to be tested every year when I have my pap, even though I believe nothing has happened since then.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wanting to hear from male WS who have had a ONS with a stranger. I'm wanting to understand the 'dynamics' of this:

Did you go looking for sex, or did the opportunity just 'pop up'

Were you in a place where you got a 'lap dance' or a 'titty bar', trashy bar, or just regular bar?

Did you approach the woman, or did she approach you first?

Was it the way she looked that attracted you, or her personality, or just the fact that she was giving you attention?

What did you and the OW talk about?

If she was the one pursuing you, how long did it take before the conversation turned sexual?

If you pursued her, how long before the conversation turned sexual?

How long were you there before you left to go have sex?

Where did you have sex?

Were you afraid, or weirded out in any way?

Did you even think about STD's?

After sex, did you stay overnight, or leave immediately?

Did you feel guilt immediately?

Did you think their was any possiblity that you might get caught?

Thanks, I'm just trying to understand this.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway - gosh, I've asked my H almost all of these questions. I could give you the answers (sort of as a proxy), but they would be only applicable to *my* situation, you know? Have you asked your H these questions?

Let me know; I'll be happy to give Mr. Just Breathe's answers. (((painpaingoaway)))


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just breathe,

Oh yes, I've asked WS these questions, I'm just wondering if ONS WS's have similar experiences...

I'd love to hear your "Mister's" answers!


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
bigdog
♂ Member
Member # 25379
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway, WS here, I am going to answer your questions as they happened to me.

The opportunity just "popped up"

Just a regular bar

I got approached

It was all about attention

We talked about things,nothing specific at all

Nothing turned sexual until we left the bar

I was at a bar with several friends, the time element was several hours, everyone kind of left at the same time, so I guess there is no time frame to answer your question

Her hotel room,not mine

It was pretty much weird

Never thought about STDs until I confessed to my wife,fortunately we both have been tested with negative results

I left immediately

I can tell you a 45 minute shower will not wash off the guilt

I thought,like most WSs do, I won't get caught

And if this helps you at all this is how I feel to this day about what I did and I will never forget it either



FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09



Posts: 102 | Registered: Sep 2009
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay then, here's what mr. just breathe's responses are/were:

Did you go looking for sex, or did the opportunity just 'pop up' He set out for an ego boost. He knew what he was doing.

Were you in a place where you got a 'lap dance' or a 'titty bar', trashy bar, or just regular bar? Regular restaurant/bar

Did you approach the woman, or did she approach you first?woman & her friends approached him & his friend

Was it the way she looked that attracted you, or her personality, or just the fact that she was giving you attention? Mr. JB's exact response is "opportunity. nothing special other than that."

What did you and the OW talk about?"Would you like a drink? Where are you from?" That was about it.

If she was the one pursuing you, how long did it take before the conversation turned sexual? They didn't say or do anything sexual. He said it was obvious what she wanted, and said she kept telling him she was "kind of a big deal." LOL! (My response? At the STD clinic, I'm sure you are a big deal sweetheart.)

If you pursued her, how long before the conversation turned sexual? Only thing he said sexual was "Wanna go to a hotel?" (swoon! how flattering!)


How long were you there before you left to go have sex? It was closing time at the bar as they were talking, so they went to a hotel. Roughly 20 minutes.

*edited for clarity: he was at the bar for about 3 hours before he met this woman. They only spoke for 20 mins before they were essentially kicked out of the bar. The only reason she turned out to be the lucky gal was that simple little fact of being in the right place at the right time.

Where did you have sex? Hotel.

Were you afraid, or weirded out in any way? Mr. JB said as soon as he walked out of the bar, he began to feel bad. He knew it wasn't right. He also said that everything was immediately so bad that he realized just how good it is between him and I. He claims - I know some SIers roll their eyes at this - but that she did nothing to arouse him, that he had to "work himself up," and then couldn't sustain with her so he went into the bathroom and did it himself. Ick.

Did you even think about STD's? Yup. Before, during, and definitely after (when he got an STD)

After sex, did you stay overnight, or leave immediately? They didn't get a room until roughly 4am. Since it was on his CC, he didn't trust her, so he stayed until after she left - around 8:30am.

Did you feel guilt immediately? Yes, he did - even before they did anything (which ticks me off).

Did you think their was any possiblity that you might get caught? This one's kinda tough. He knew what he had set out to do, and that I was out of town. His little MLC "temper tantrum" wasn't about wanting someone else per se, or looking for a relationship. He just used her for an ego boost. But he said he knew right away that he'd have to tell me.

So there you go. Now I'm curious how our answers stack up!

[This message edited by just breathe. at 6:16 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
TwistedUp
♀ Member
Member # 27294
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is a breath of air for me too.

My FWS didn't get far enough to have a ONS. I was at work, got off early, & showed up at the bar where all of our friends were at. I still can't explain it, but as I approached the parking lot I shut the headlights off on the car and creeped in slowly. Sure enough, there was my FWS making out with 'The Ferret'. He had her pushed up against her car and they were making out like a couple of horny teenagers. I watched them for about 3-4 minutes before my temper got the best of me. I was waiting...I suppose for him to get his wits about him or something...and when I figured out that wasn't going to happen I turned the headlights on and pulled into the parking lot. They stopped making out- mostly because she saw my car and thought I was a cop. I pulled up right next to them, rolled down the window, shook my head at them and drove away. 30 minutes later all hell broke loose.

He'd had inappropriate conversations - mild, really- with other women online and a very real porn addiction, but I do believe it was the one and only time he ever went that far. Had I not shown up? I believe they'd have had sex in the Ferret's car, but I guess none of us will ever know for sure.

She actively pursued my WH for quite some time, and at one point while we were all out (about 2 months before I busted them) I warned her to back off.

It was the first time he was out with that group by himself and that's when it happened. He was weak, selfish, stupid, and wasn't thinking.

I haven't posted much here at all because I don't feel like our situation really fits into the norm here either.

We've worked hard to move past this, but there are days it's still hard to breathe when I think about it.

*sigh*

bigdog- Your answers to the questions were helpful to me. Thank you for sharing.


Me: 37
fWH: 39- Almost a ONS, but I caught him red-handed.
D-Day: July 2009.
In active and so far successful R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2010
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses, they are very helpful.

Bigdog,

Never thought about STDs until I confessed to my wife,fortunately we both have been tested with negative results

This one really bugs me. This is what my WS said. He 'never thought about it'. How can someone NOT think about it? I just don't get it. Now granted, my hubby is 54, and when we grew up there wasn't much info given out in schools and so forth about STD's... so I can (sort of) understand.... but the AID's epidemic began while we were in our sexual prime... That's ALL we heard about on the news for YEARS!!!! Him not wearing a condom just fucking horrifies me. He gave me an STD, that's how I found out... It still just breaks my heart. How COULD he risk our lives like that????? What if it had been AID's!!!!!??????

I thought,like most WSs do, I won't get caught
This one also hurts... BIG TIME... so, does this mean that that thought, "I won't get caught", actually went thru your mind at the time...? So you knew what you were doing was wrong, but that you told yourself it was okay b/c you thought you wouldn't get caught?

Big dog, I'm not picking on you, I just want to pick your brain, that's all.

Just breathe,

but that she did nothing to arouse him, that he had to "work himself up," and then couldn't sustain with her
My hubby said same thing, said he thinks he "disappointed her" WTF!!!!! Well, he got worked up enough to get his pecker into her rotten pussy and get a STD!!!

Sorry ya'll, just trying to understand, venting, etc.... I do appreciate the responses.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
bigdog
♂ Member
Member # 25379
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway,

"Never thought about STDs until I confessed to my wife,fortunately we both have been tested with negative results" I can see where this would really bug you BUT in all honesty I NEVER thought about it even given the fact we are in the age of AIDS. Yes this would have been tragic if I would have contracted such a horrible disease but by the grace of God I did not. I would never ask you to "get it" as you are not the one who cheated or was cheating at the time.

"I thought,like most WSs do, I won't get caught" Actually getting caught did not enter my mind at the time. At the time I was only thinking of myself, nothing, no one else, only me, I was being selfish and having one hell of a pity party to boot. If this helps at all my wife and I have discovered what the pity party was all about and have now taken great strides to correct my deficiencys.

I know you are not picking on me. I can only hope that what I have offered has been of some help to you.



FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09



Posts: 102 | Registered: Sep 2009
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he got worked up enough to get his pecker into her rotten pussy and get a STD!!!

PPGA, I know it isn't funny, but I burst out laughing at this. You're totally right. That's one of the many things that is SO STUPID about what he did. *After* he felt guilty before doing anything, *after* her "awful" attempt at a BJ that got him nowhere, *after* he had to work himself up to even get hard...WHY didn't he just stop? (A. he put his mind to do something thinking he'd feel better about himself, and he was gonna do it. Ugh.)

I do know that he could not have cared less whether she enjoyed herself. Mr. JB is a pretty honest guy, and he told me (in details which I'll spare) that he did the bare minimum on her behalf - no real foreplay for her at all. In my most self-assured and gracious moments, I actually almost pity this woman. She even asked him as she was leaving if he had a cell phone (ie: what's your number?) and he told her *no, he didn't have a cell phone*!!! Can you even imagine?! He's said that he's sure she knew he was lying, but she just let it go and left.

As horrible as it is for me, I take comfort in knowing that I have never been, nor will ever be treated as disgustingly and then as discardable as she was.

ETA: I forgot to thank bigdog for answering these questions. I appreciate hearing your POV, and am glad you commented. Thanks!

[This message edited by just breathe. at 3:02 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigdog,

"I thought,like most WSs do, I won't get caught" Actually getting caught did not enter my mind at the time. At the time I was only thinking of myself, nothing, no one else, only me, I was being selfish and having one hell of a pity party to boot.

Do you think that possibly a reason that WS's don't 'think' about the consequences might be that WS's are just so 'caught up' in the moment (as in, a completely unexpected situation presents itself), that you are sort of 'caught of guard' and just not thinking in the way you would normally think?

I'm trying to imagine myself in a situation that may come up unexpectedly, let's say, perhaps, like a minor car accident, or getting pulled by a cop, or something like that where something happens unexpectedly, and I'm sort of confused, and not completely thinking straight at the moment. I'm certainly not trying to excuse the behavior by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm trying desperately to 'understand'.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
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