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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting...

Yes, my husband's ONS was a one last-night in the country we were living in "celebration"... thrown for him not by friends but by co-workers who were from that country who cheat on their wives with hookers all the time. I KNEW about this-- he would talk about it openly with me-- and I trusted him so much that I never thought in a 1000 years that I was in any danger of it happening. We would LAUGH about their behavior and shake our heads at how sad it was.

THAT is where I went wrong. I don't blame myself for anything, don't misunderstand. But what two years of reflection has taught me is that I put my husband on a pedestal that NO ONE deserves to be on. I honestly saw him as incapable of hurting me. If I'm totally honest, I think deep down I've always felt like he was "better" than me, that I really didn't deserve someone like him, etc. If anyone was going to do something stupid, it was going to be me. Does that make sense?

We talked about this a lot in counseling, and I'll say that one good thing that's come from this is that I've realized just how LUCKY my husband is to have me for his wife. How crazy is it that it took something like this to realize that? But a little confidence in myself as an EQUAL partner has gone a long way in the healing process.

Our relationship is most definitely different. He still travels for work (though not to that country, hopefully never again without me). It used to be that we lived very separate lives-- he would travel a ton and I would have no idea where he was or when he was coming back. I thought it showed independence on both our parts, but now I know it really just served to keep us disconnected. When the ONS happened, I had been out of the country (moved back to the US) three months prior and didn't think twice about leaving him there on his own. I didn't think about how it would distance us emotionally. I do think that factored into the decision he made that night. Again, I'm not blaming myself at all. But I do think they are contributing factors.

Now, when he travels, I know where he is always. He sends me his itinerary. We text multiple times a day. He ALWAYS calls when he gets to his hotel room at night. We have a rule where if he drinks more than 3 drinks he has to take a taxi home. (This is less about the ONS and more about the fact that I'm pregnant with our first baby-- so long reckless behavior!) We didn't sit down and make a list of rules per se... we just both know that things are different now. We are accountable to each other, and avoiding situations where we might make bad decisions.

This isn't to say that I don't have very dark times. I still have dreams that he is cheating on me, and dreams that I find out the ONS was one of MANY times he took one of those dirty girls home from the karoke bar. It's hard for me to watch love scenes on TV or in a movie because it's a trigger-- was it like that for him? Did she look like that? It's amazing how fast those thoughts can multiply in your head. One thing that's helped has been was our first MC said when I told him about these triggers-- he told me to acknowledge them, not push them away, and then ask myself if these thoughts are really serving me or my relationship. The answer is always no.

So I guess that's the long answer for where I am emotionally. I would say I'm in as good a place as I can be, give or take a few days. We've both made a commitment to our family, which hasn't been done in words but more in our actions-- both of our actions. I really think it's those things you will hold on to in your reconciliation process-- the things he does to SHOW you his remorse and his commitment to you.

I hope this helps. Lord knows this is just my experience, so take it with a grain of salt. Ultimately, what makes YOU feel supported is what's going to work for you.

-Marley


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
hurting38
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Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of, congrats on the baby! Exciting times!

I find it interesting that you communicated about the ONS and joked about it. Like you, my H and I were more independant in our lives then most marriages I think. We were never the ones that had to be at each others side every waking minute. My H and I use to joke about cheating on one another! Because it was so never on the table, it seemed silly to think either of us would. He had absolutely no history of doing that in his past relationships either.

I honestly saw him as incapable of hurting me. If I'm totally honest, I think deep down I've always felt like he was "better" than me, that I really didn't deserve someone like him, etc. If anyone was going to do something stupid, it was going to be me.

I understand what you are saying but ironically I question that this is not exactly what happened to a certain extent in my WH's case. I know there were/are self esteem issues that played into this and his past relationships were so emotionally damaging to his self esteem. I question whether perhaps he thought the same way. Things have been pretty stable emotionally with us prior to this, so i wonder if he self sabotaged just a little bit here. Unconsciencously, that is. Kinda like the kid who purposely falls down while rollerblading for fear that things are going too well and the crash will be that much worse WHEN it happens, not if.
Because of his past relationshps being so poor and things so good with us, I think I took it for granted that he would never cheat because in comparison to his other relationships, things with us were great.

Your dark days, how often these days? Say in a given month? Does it still enter your mind daily? I guess I am seeking some idea of when the relief will come? :(

I have managed for the most part to stop with the film in my head, that was horrible beyond words. I absolutely can not watch any story line in a show about cheating. What is sad is that I never noticed before how much it comes up as subject matter. Those are triggers for me too.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We always said that if we were going to cheat, we'd respect the other enough to divorce first.

And you know, immediately when he came home, I knew something had happened, but I put it out of my mind and chided myself for being paranoid. Because I knew that although my husband wasn't perfect, he'd NEVER cheat on me.

Right?
Right?!!?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations 1Marley!!

hurting38,

Welcome to SI and to the ONS Thread. I don't come in here often.

I'm 4 years out. I still think about the ONS but it doesn't invade my thoughts in the same way that it used to. It pops in and then pops out again.

Someone else that may be this far out, it might not even pop in their minds anymore but everyone is different. Relief will come, it takes TIME. Sounds like you and your WH are headed on the right path together so hopefully the dark days will be very few and far between.

Wanted to wish you peace and strength.

((((((hurting38))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't it be great if there were a timeline to all of this? Two months out, the mind movies will stop. Six months out, you will be able to watch TV again without barfing over the love scenes. 1 year out, you'll never have another nightmare...

Hurting, I think the questions you have about time really depend on the commitment you and your husband show to getting through all the muck together. And not in a superficial "I'm sorry" way, but in an "our lives are different and better" way. I can say that, for me, I think about the ONS often. (I know that's not what you want to hear). Probably once a day. Every time we have sex, still. But what's gotten MUCH better is the length the thoughts are in my head. They don't take over anymore. They come in, I remember all we've been through in the last two years to get through it, and I make the decision to put the bad thoughts away. Often within seconds. I have much more control now, thankfully.

It will take time. Allow yourself to have your bad days/moments. I agree with karma... sounds like you and your husband are figuring this out one step at a time, and that's really all you can ask for at this point.

Lots of e-support your way....


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
hurting38
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Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Karma and 1Marley. I get that everyone is different and it takes time. I guess I need to understand what is 'normal' about what I feel and how long to expect to feel this way. I think I am too hard on myself for not dealing with it better, faster etc...I think hearing your stories helps me understand better that this is truely a long road even without all the baggage his cheating could have had with it (ie. EA, LTR). Its not what I want to hear but it helps to have some idea to gauge this by.

I just so tired of these feelings and want this all to go away. Its all so unfair.

Thanks for your advice guys.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
karmasnmf
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Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting38,

We are all here for you. Your feelings are all valid. There is no one way to feel or deal with "the death of our relationships as we once knew them". Don't beat yourself up. Just take it one day at a time.

((((((hurting38))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting38, I find that I'm hard on myself as well when it comes to the "timeline." I think this part might affect us more than those dealing with a LTA because it seems more reasonable. My logical thought process tells me that it was only 1 night so why am I still dwelling on it 2 months later. Of course when you really thing about what happened it makes sense that you don't get over it with a snap of your fingers, but I just can't apply that to myself.

Without consciously realizing it, my subconscious clued into the fact that it's coming up to the 25 of the month (I found out on August 25) and I find that near that time things always get worse. I start to make any small thing he does that upsets me into a huge deal. I start to question whether things will work and am generally less stable. Of course this 25th I also have exams to deal with and my parents are moving me to another new city, but they don't know which one yet. And it's that time of the month...


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol25,

I'm not familiar with your story. Keep posting. We are all here for you.

Same advice to you as to hurting, don't be hard on yourself. Your SO betrayed you. That hurts! You're entitled to your feelings/emotions and how YOU deal with this. Everyone deals with it differently.

Try to keep your mind clear for your exams. Good luck on them.

((((((tsol25))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My logical thought process tells me that it was only 1 night so why am I still dwelling on it 2 months later

So very true, exactly how I feel sometimes so it helps to make me feel "normal" to hear others stories that while it could be worse, it still rips you apart. My WH continues to be loving and supportive. He really is a good man who did a stupid thing. I am doing better since the last post. I spoke to him and asked more details. I dont know why those thoughts popped back in, I thought I had the "details" and questions related to them under control. I did ask him if there was anything he did with her that we have never done together. He paused for a moment( i could tell he was really thinking about it) and considered the question and said the only thing he did with her that he has not done with me was to have sex devoid of any feeling or emotion what so ever His response was so sincere and he is SO not a smooth talker that I knew that came from the heart.

It was great to hear although my brain knew that, I mean he just met her so there could not be any emotion to it, I guess my heart wanted to hear it.

Although I feel bad about doing this, I have been taking some comfort in some of the stories on other threads here. The lying and deception that runs so deep in some of these stories makes me grateful at least my WH is owning up to his failings and never deceived me in the future about it.

So, the past couple of days have been good and I am looking forward to celebrating our "first date" anniversary this weekend (yeah we still do that lol).


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
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Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

I've been mostly lurking and am in the same boat as the rest of you -- WH had a ONS while drunk on a business trip, with a former co-worker. We're 16 mos out now and have been in IC and MC on and off for much of that time. Progress is happening but sllloooww... WH has a lot of FOO issues that I didn't realize the extent of and has only recently been willing to really start doing the work to sort them out, and I'd say he's still more dipping his toes than diving in.

Still looking for answers to "why" and figuring out who the hell this man is that I am married to. Have learned a lot about myself in the last year for sure and am moving forward with my plans, hoping he will pull his shit together enough to come with me at some point.

Some of you asked for a timelime. I am not sure I am representative, but I am out far enough that my experience might be useful.
DDay-a few weeks -- complete freakout time, mood swings, HB, rage, a sense of "now you will have to make changes I will want you to make", just intensity all around. At that point, my emotion-avoidant WH completely cracked and depersonalized and all of that just got shut down. I think this is the reason I am still "stuck"
1-3 months: denial, largely -- I was upset but sure we would get through it, trying hard to make everything be ok
3-6 months: increasing rage. The real impact of the betrayal kicked in, and I gave him a list of what I needed and sat back to see what he would do. We did MC with a crappy counselor for awhile but it didn't help. WH was still in "go back to before" mode. Was going to kick him out after the holidays (at month 6). Was in super monitoring mode -- checking email, text messages, no real reason why since she never tried to contact him ever -- I think it was trying to get a glimpse of what the hell he was thinking.
6-12: After telling some friends of my plans to separate and them freaking out, I gave up. Thought maybe I was the one who was being irrational and tried to find a middle way, one that I could live with (180ing hard) but that wouldn't devestate my kids. Still stood by my assertion that I needed what I needed and was not going to be healed without it. I wrote a letter to OW that I sent her, saying "I know to you what happened was no big deal" -- she's single -- "but I need you to know what it has caused and you need to fix your boundaries around married men. Don't expect WH to hang out at the conference this year and don't ever contact us again."
WH was trying, improved communication and was still in IC, getting a better work/life balance -- doing the stuff I wanted him to do 5 years ago, but was more "maintenance" and not "full healing mode" stuff. Also unfortunately still had mind movies, continued hurts from WH (he said things like "I didn't break my vows!" ) and eventually we started with a new MC who is MUCH better (and diagnosed me with PTSD :( )
1 year antiversary sucked, I triggered all over the place and WH failed miserably at helping, though he tried.
13-16 months: the mind movies have finally gone, I am much stronger, and can even forgive WH for what happened, but have not yet gotten over his poor response to it. Not sure I will yet. But my plan B is thought through -- I know what my budget would be, what child support/alimony would look like, what kind of work I'd look for (I'm a SAHM), etc Not sure its fantastic for my marriage that I have this other plan, but its good for ME.

Anyway, those've been my feelings over the last year and a bit. My IC keeps reminding me how far I have come, that I know I could leave if I wanted to, and that there is strength in fighting for the marriage even though it would be easier in some ways to walk away. That I need to stop putting my needs and goals below WH's and the kids' and do what's right for me. And that while I haven't left, I have stood up for what I need and consistently and clearly stated that need. So I am holding on to that.

I hate how gray area the ONS thing is. Like, I think having been through this, that if he had lied, ever, or carried on a real affair, I know now that I wouldn't have been able to forgive that (never say never, I suppose, but that's my sense) but what I am supposed to do with the lack of intent (if he could bumble into something so stupid once, who's to say what ridiculous thing will happen next?), the doing a lot to change but not the things I really wanted him to do, the lack of (in my opinion, he would say he is) full-on fighting for the marriage. The realization that what we had before, which was pretty damned awesome, was only pretty damned awesome FOR ME in my head (its always been exactly what he wanted, he says -- but then that really begs the question of WHY?).

Anyway, I am rambling. And afraid I am not helping you here. {{hugs}} to those of you who are new and still so raw -- I can tell you that it definitely gets better than that, even if things aren't fabulous. My IC said it doesn't matter if its a ONS or a LTA, that it still takes 2-5 years because its the betrayal and not the act that matters. Sigh.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh....We tried to celebrate our 5 year anniversary last night and I totally triggered. It was horrible. He initally got upset with me because he did not expect it (nor did I, took me by total surprise) but then apologized for getting angry and was super. I was really disappointed because I was the one that had to make dinner reservations and plan the evening. I would of thought that after all this he would be falling all over himself to try and make me feel extra special. I recognize that he has NEVER been a romantic, the man is clueless in this area but I feel like I have given him a freakin roadmap of what I need and he is great with all of it except this part with romance, and making me feel special. It really upset me that he put no thought into this when I thought I made it apparant that I needed him to try harder in this area. He apologized for not doing more but he was so busy with work and school ,he did not have time. To his credit, he did put get a group together for my birthday last month and was a good sport about going somewhere i knew he hated. I dont know, am I expecting too much? I know he works his ass off for the family but its like he crawls into his own little world and loses himself in there. I tell him this and he says he knows and he will try harder but it just seems like much does not happen.

I am just frustrated with our circumstances and frustrated that a nice weekend was ruined.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks karma, my exams went ok I think, but they are over (except 2 easier ones) so I'm a lot less stressed.

hurting, I find that I relate to your post again. Sometimes when were just hanging out not doing anything special, or if I plan out a special day for us I wonder why he isn't doing it. He hasn't been that big on planning big things for a while (a few years) but he used to be soo good at it and I just want him to pick that up again but he doesn't get my hints. But I definitely understand feeling like he should go out of his way to make me feel special. That has come up a lot for me this month.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies (I apologize if there are any men posting in this thread, but it seems like I've only seen ladies) -

Does anyone know of any good articles or books about healing after a ONS? I feel like the resources that talk about full-blown affairs aren't really right for me. I'm having trouble talking to my husband when I am feeling upset or angry. He is showering me with love and attention from day to day, and trying to speak my love language, but when I get upset he withdraws. I don't know how to really talk about my feelings when I get upset. Sometimes I feel like my hurt is disproportionate to his guilt. I'm not excusing him, but he was blind drunk and he's never done anything like this before.

I don't know. I feel like I was doing well and now I'm so lost.

((hurting))
tsol glad the exams are (mostly) over!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:32 AM, October 29th (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
asptl2131
♀ New Member
Member # 28708
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DDay was 17 March, and my husband had 4 ONS last summer, when he was on a temporary military assignment out of the state. we are separated, and he is currently deployed to Iraq. We chat online fairly regularly and he wants to R. Somedays I think I can, and somedays like today and the last few i feel like I cant handle it, and the only thing I can think about are those nights. Does it ever go away?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New York City
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JanaGreen- I have not found any but will keep looking. I agree that most infidelity books maybe 1/3 applies to me personally. Its frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like my hurt is disproportionate to his guilt.

I assume you are saying your pain seems stronger then the guilt and pain he is feeling?

If that is the case, then I understand what you are saying. Men are really good though at compartmentalizing situations, especially emotional ones. Its a skill I wish i had, would make this process SO much easier. The other pearl of wisdom I came to realize in my IC has been that I really connected sex wtih love. Now some back story here, I am not a typical woman by any means, I am not overly mussy gussy and pretty independent. Honestly ,during my single times, I probably would of laughed if someone tried to tell me I connect sex with love like many women do. It shocked me to realize this piece of information about myself, but the evidence was there . I think for many women, when the connection becomes emotional with a guy, it becomes all interconnected for us and we just cant seperate it out like guys can. I think the WH can look at the situation really for what it was, SEX and from their perspective, they cant understand why we cant see that its no reflection on their feelings about us. Their brains dont seem to be wired that way. I dont know if I am making sense and I am sure there are exceptions to every rule. So, just like we cant understand how they can seperate the two in their heads, they cant seem to grasp the way our brains fail to see the seperation.

I would encourage you to talk to your WH,especially if he is being so supportive. He can be sucha valueable resource and quite honestly, I am of the mindset that "hey buddy you created this mess, you need to see the ramifications ". This is not to torture or punish them but to make sure they see the full impact of their decisions.

I am a journeling/emailer. It is more helpful for me to write it out and many times I will leave it for him asking for a reply. That process itself may help, just a thought and makes it easier to say those hard things I dont want to say to his face.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boyfriend is going to visit a friend this weekend and it has me kind of freaking out. This friend (who's a guy by the way) has nothing to do with the ons and as far as I know he doesn't know about it so that's not why I'm concerned. I am concerned because his friend is a drinker and tends to make friends with other drinkers (he's in college so it's not hard).

When WBF had ons he said that the girl had been drinking and threw herself at him. He said that he had never been in a situation like that and didn't have the strength to make the right choice. Now the college that he's visiting, is a well known party school so chances of the same situation presenting itself are high. So now I'm wondering if, over course of 2 months he's grown enough to be able to control situation better.

I would like to think he has, he's remorseful for what happened, although like hurting says he's very good at compartmentalizing so he rarely shows it. But really how much can a person change over 2 months?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, November 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hurting -

I assume you are saying your pain seems stronger then the guilt and pain he is feeling?

Sort of . . .he doesn't seem to dwell on it as much as I do, which our counselor said is normal. For the WS, they know it's over (if they are truly remorseful). They know they're going to act right. The BS had the rug pulled out from under them so they naturally feel unsure and unsafe and question everything until the trust is back.

But what I really meant was that my hurt is disproportionate to his culpability. He would strongly disagree with me on that statement because he holds himself fully responsible, but the last thing he clearly remembers that night is ordering a crown and cranberry, and the "friend" he had with him saying "fuck that, make it a double shot of crown." He drank a lot that night. He only remembers bits and pieces of what happened. Calling the escort service was the "friend's" idea. I blame my husband fully for going along with it, but I blame the "friend" for creating the situation. If my WH were telling me this to excuse his actions, I'd call bullshit, but the fact is that he confessed to me and holds himself fully as much responsible as his jerk friend. He's been on dozens of trips just like this one and never has anything like this happened until this "friend" came along. But sometimes I feel like I hurt just as much as if he had done this stone cold sober, and if he had completed the act rather than been too drunk to function and passed out after a few minutes of unsuccessful oral (I called the escort service and talked to the girl. He wasn't sure what happened b/c that was part of the night that he had blacked out). I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure I'd hurt more if that were the case, especially if he had lied, but somehow that doesn't make it easier.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm starting to get myself worked up thinking about this, which makes me want to go ask him questions he can't answer - we're even called around about hypnosis to try to remember, and I was told that people can never recover the memories from an alcoholic blackout, because their brains don't record them. It's so frustrating.

Thanks for listening, hurting. It's so good to talk with people who have been there, done that, much as I would not wish this on anyone.

tsol - I think you're perfectly within your rights to either ask him not to go, ask him not to drink, or go with him (if possible). My husband had a golf trip planned with his REAL friends (not the douchelord who was with him the night of the incident) about a month ago, and I, trying to be all cool about how "healed" I was, told him that he should definitely go, I wasn't worried, etc. - even though he offered not to go. Well, I ended up triggering like mad and we fought like crazy until our next counseling session after that. I couldn't figure out why I was so upset (I was upset over things that were ridiculous for days afterward) and my counselor told me that it's very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder when something like this happens. If you get in a similar situation your brain reacts like you're right there when you just found out and all the progress you've made (temporarily) goes out the window. She said that while we both had the best of intentions for that weekend, it was just too soon and too similar to the weekend of the "incident." I'm not saying you'll trigger or he'll misbehave, I'm just saying that I think it's reasonable for you to ask him to take steps to protect your heart.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:56 PM, November 1st (Monday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol-I agree 100% with JanaGreen. Any of those options are acceptable and so soon after what happened he should be more then willing to accomodate you IMO. My WH and I have already started discussing the rules and what he can do differently for the next time he has to fly out to CA to drop off his son and that probably wont be until sometime next year. Its not unreasonable especially when alcohol was involved and will be involved again in a situation where you are not there.

peacelovetea-thanks for your insight. You are right ONS are such a gray area and it is so tough since we are sometimes our own worst enemy because we know it could be so much worse so we feel that the anger, grief, and feelings we have we dont deserve to have because it wasnt "that bad". Guilty as charged on that one.

Jana-I am so glad he holds himself accountable and shows you love and support, take advantage of it. Dont be so hard on yourself. Doesnt matter if he passed out and couldnt "finish" ,its still a betrayal. Just because alcohol got into the way (of the act) does not mean its impact was any less dramatic on you. Not to get too graphic but my WH did more than what yours did physically but because of the alcohol induced state could not do things for very long at all nor could he "finish" things. There is alot of haze for him too (granted not as much as yours:) ), both of them were still in control of their behaviors before the lights went out and betrayed us. I dont buy that you should not feel as bad about your circumstances because my WH actually f---- her and yours didnt . The decision when it was made to participate became the betrayal regardless of the outcome. Now there are alot of mitagating circumstances in many of our stories, I truely believe that does help lessen the blow but it DOES not eliminate it. There has been a violation, plain and simple.... of marriage vows, trust, and intimacy . You are entitled to your feelings, because what happened to you was wrong. I know I struggled with this for a long time and it took my IC pounding it into me to make me realize that this is his "shit" not mine.

we as BS's are already carrying too much of the load we did not ask for, so we shouldnt carry anymore of their load for them. Heal at your own time, when you are hurting, express it however you need to. If he continues to shut down when you are hurt, tell him to stop, that you need him to help you through this. If he cant seem to, consider MC to improve this area of communication,even if you have already been down that road. Dont carry your load alone.

I may not have learned much but the one thing I know I have learned through this is that if my WS wants to make this work, he has to help carry this load with me. I did not create it, I did not give my permission for it and I am not responsible for it, so I refuse to be a martyr in this.

LOL I am not trying to sound militant here but I have let go worrying about the timeline anymore. I know my previous posts, I was still struggling with it but for me, it just clicked that it is gonna take as long as it takes and I will survive it. If my WS wants to be with me, he will help me and survive through this too with me.

Ok enough rambling.... :) Sending good thoughts to you Jana....


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thanks for the suggestions Jana,
When I brought up my concern about the trip he promised me nothing like that would ever happen again (which I think I mostly believe) and he suggested that I come with him. The fact that he thought of me coming so quickly definitely seemed like a good sign. Unfortunately I can't go with him because I'm moving over the weekend (nothing to do with him, we have never lived together).

I may ask that he doesn't drink while he is there but I may not. For him it wasn't overly relevant to the ONS. He had had maybe one or two drinks that night, it was the ow who had been drinking heavily, and unfortunately I can't ask all the girls in the college to not drink for the weekend.

I also don't think I'm at the point where I'll ask him not to go. I know that it wouldn't be unreasonable to do so but I think that I mostly believe him enough that I can let him go. I really do believe his “why”. Were both young and have been dating since we were 16. He had one gf prior to me so the chances that he had never been in the situation and didn’t have the maturity to deal with it. It was also very out of character for him. Not saying that’s ok, but I like to think that in that situation again, he would handle it better. Also playing on my side is that the guy he's visiting and his girlfriend both know me well enough that I trust they would step in if anything were to become inappropriate. I didn’t know anyone who he was with that night, however on a side note I was able to guess her name (strange....)

I don’t expect it to be a good weekend for me but I have asked him to “psychotically stalk me” with phone calls and texts which he agreed to. I’ll probably ask his friend’s girlfriend to let me know what they end up doing. Neither of them know about the ONS and I’m not going to tell them but I talk to her enough that I think she’ll keep me updated honestly.


me - tsol, that's all for now

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