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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only answer for why or how could this happen was that my H was a hurt person and hurting people hurt people

Very good point Grace..thank you!

I know in my heart this was not intentional on his part, he didn't go seeking it out. He didn't go looking for it....however SHE did and the alcohol lowered his inhibitions, add in his feeling like shit about himself at that time, he was away at a conference how would I ever know type thing, and BAM he fell head first into a big frickin mess!


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whydidyou -

But man do I hate that bitch!!!! She knew exactly what she was doing and didn't give a rats ass about my family( all of which knows). You want to srew over your husband go right ahead (your issue) but stay the hell away from married men!

I hear you...this was my case too, my H wasn't her first and I highly doubt he'll be her last...she doesn't care. And thus I understand where your anger comes from.

I've been extremely angry and wanting to make her life miserable these past weeks and I'm not sure I know where it's coming from. She is nobody and I mean NOBODY, yet this "nobody" helped ruin what I thought was a good and faithful marriage.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wish I had an OW to be angry at . . . but then again it's probably better this way (anonymous escort who doesn't give two shits about my husband). Sometimes I feel like it would be good to have someone to focus my anger on, it feels like it just splatters and goes every which way.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6140 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((JanaGreen)) not sure how I would handle your scenario. On one hand, at least you know she didn't mean didly shit to your H, yet, because of bad 'friends' and their influence on top of the alcohol, apparently nothing else did either.

I kinda know how that is. In my case, my H's so called friends/collegues at this conference give him shit all the time about his weight, being old, how'd he get a wife like me, he can't satisfy me, when he dies they'll take over satisfying me, stupid "guy" bullshit and so trying to "fit in" and "prove" something to himself, to the guys, to I don't know who, he did it. That was part of it, the other part was he was feeling so shitty about himself that nothing really mattered at the time and the alcohol became his liquid courage to let him say yes.

She asked him again the next night and he turned it down...go figure. Yet he came home and started talking to her because "she asked him to". WTF?!

What a frickin mine field I walk in in my mind.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
whydidyou
♀ Member
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to reconcile that he risked so much, for something that meant so little to him. Hard to handle that one. .


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know in my heart this was not intentional on his part, he didn't go seeking it out. He didn't go looking for it....however SHE did and the alcohol lowered his inhibitions, add in his feeling like shit about himself at that time, he was away at a conference how would I ever know type thing, and BAM he fell head first into a big frickin mess!

Same here, except he was on a trip (pilot) not a conference.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
catlover
♀ Member
Member # 27285
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish i could say my husband was lured, but I know better. Hell, I think he believes it himself. Fact is, he gave this woman a ride home once,without telling me, he was invited to this new years party by her (I was caring for my elderly mom 150 miles away)without telling me. Once there he drank, smoked pot(first time in prob 20 years) and fucked her.

If he was lured, then why the secrecy about her before the event.

Nope, no blinders on these eyes, the truth is there and it hurts.


Me 57
FWH 65
D day 1/15/10
brief affair and 2 or 3 EA via the
internet. EA with a friend of his.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: florida
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H too knew what he was doing, no "situational" stuff that he could use to excuse his actions. It was purposed and planned from his side.

The only thing about it that I can have empathy about is that he felt like shit after wards, whatever it was he was seeking, he never found it, he always felt empty and angry and guilty and shame filled after wards, but he was too broken to stop, he kept trying to find that "thing" he so desperately wanted. I can understand to a degree, I read voraciously trying to find the KEY, that one thing to fix our M and I could not/cannot stop myself. If I could I would not be here daily, I too am looking for something and have not found it. Of course my obsession is not as damaging as his is, and I have learned a lot of useful/helpful things but I know I have also paid a price and it was/is not all good.


Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that our situations tend not to fit in with the rest of the posts. We are all in terrible situations, but I hate the feeling that I know he risked our entire relationship on something that didn't mean anything.

It's been almost a month since Dday and I've finally stopped denying what happened. Unfortunately this is harder to deal with because I can't hide from my feelings. At first I didn't want to know where he was all the time -the denial probably -but now I'm really noticing the lost trust. I'm starting to wonder if I really do want to know her name. She was a friend of a friend and I would hate to find out that he was still talking to her.

Jana, I know what you mean I question how this happened every minute...how did we get here?

The past week for me hasn't been a good one, there's been a lot more low points than high ones. I find it harder to bring up a month later because it almost seems crazy to dwell on one night in contrast to a LA.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((tso125))

I find it harder to bring up a month later because it almost seems crazy to dwell on one night in contrast to a LA.

Yes, the situations are different, but the pain is the same and real. You're not dwelling so much on "one night" as you are the betrayal and severing that trust you had. It's hard. In my case, I HAD to know the details, he didn't know her that well, and I didn't know her at all, but I found out everything. Who she was, where she worked, where her husband worked, her kids, I know it all. WHY? So that I was sure that he had NO secrets left inside him that it was ME he had to come clean to. It's frickin hard.

For me, if he had fell out of love with me and found someone new, I could at least grasp that concept, what I can't grasp is doing "that" with a total stranger "just because".


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
catlover
♀ Member
Member # 27285
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not dwelling so much on "one night" as you are the betrayal and severing that trust you had. It's hard

Thanks hopeless, this just about nails it. It is the betrayal, the lies and denials. Of course, once you uncover one lie, then you discover the EA type affairs on the internet which go past just flirting into sexting and IM chats. So it does me no good to try and minimize the one time he actually had sex with one.


Me 57
FWH 65
D day 1/15/10
brief affair and 2 or 3 EA via the
internet. EA with a friend of his.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: florida
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH ONS was while away at work for a convention. The sorry slut that he met in the hotel bar, also married and away from home on business. Some business.

Alcohol and marijuana played a part in the fun. No protection, didn't mean for it to go that far. She told him she has "smooching buddies" so lets kiss. Well what man in his right mind can keep it to kissing?

Haha. Found out that WE have herpes and he gave it to her. I found much pleasure on letting her hubby know what she had done. May also write an anonymous letter to the HS where she is a girls JV coach.



Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH ONS was while away at work for a convention. The sorry slut that he met in the hotel bar, also married and away from home on business. Some business.

Same story here...there seems to be a pattern with several of us...only mine didn't end it there, he continued to talk to her after he got home.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
feelingstupid09
♀ Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish mine was away on "business", my WH decided it would be ok to do it away from me at softball tourneys and in the small town we live in while out with people that have known him for years.

I am still bewildered by how many people must have known and no one told me. All the years it was going on and no one bothered to let me in on it. I feel so hurt so betrayed at times when I think of it. I can't reconcile it.

Things are going well with my WH. We are working through it, but at times I just feel like I can't hold on anymore. I am so confused at times.

Ah well, just venting. Things will be brighter in the morning.

take care all!


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH, ONS while at work convention. Drinks in the bar, marijuana in his room. Come on, what woman would go to a strange mans room to smoke weed and not think about what she was going to do. Nor my ignorant WH. ONS slut told WH she has "smooching buddies" even tho she is married.

I beleive my WH was set up to a degree, but he still went for it. Still had unprotected sex. No excuse, drunk, high or sober. He knew and she knew what they were doing, I will not accept drunk as an excuse.

By the way, ONS Slut is also a high school girls team coach. Picking up some guy in a bar? Going to his too smoke a joint? Have unprotected sex outside of her marriage too? Not the kind of person I want coaching my daughter.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Rugs. It's simply infuriating. Oh, you were drunk? Really? So drunk you forgot I existed?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6140 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. I am a newbie to SI and just found this thread. What a relief. This is a large and active (unfortunately) site so a smaller venue like this is so less overwhelming. I too feel that our situations are different than most so I glad I found you here.

I read back a couple of months here and many of the stories are all too familiar.
My WH out of town for 24 hours mind you to drop off his 8 year old son who lives in CA that had been visiting us for a few weeks. He drops him off, goes out to eat, has a few drinks, goes downtown to a bar for a few more by himself. He is drunk, wearing his ring, a girl comes onto him and in less then 20 minutes invites him back to her hotel within walking distance of the bar. Our 5 year relationship tossed aside in less then 20 minutes! He did wear a condom that she happened to have (boy she wasnt out looking for some was she?) I still made his ass get tested because he was having symptoms plus just for the sheer unpleasentness of the procedure Ended up with a UTI from it, nothing more thank God! He doesn't even honestly remember her name, that is how much of an impact she made on him. She is by all his unsolicitated accounts, short ,fat and plain looking wtf? a The sex was absolutely horrible (again by his own admission!). To top it off, not a week prior, we had a home reception for our families with our children present to celebrate our destination marriage from earlier that year. We have only been married 6 months when this happened. All of this so hard to swallow.

Now the good parts, if there is such a thing! It happened and he told me 4 days later after he arrived home. He totally could of gotten away with it, I NEVER would of found out. I do honestly believe this incident stems from his inability to handle emotions coupled with the depression he suffers with periodically. He comes from a LONG line of depressed family members. He is quite introverted and its very difficult to read his depression when it occurs. He had just dropped off his son whom he loves to death and gets to see only a couple times a year and he was drinking. Please understand I am NOT making excuses for him. He owns 100% of what he did. He has been 100% transparant, in fact I was able to look through his emails all the way back to before he and I started dating. Not a thing out of place or of concern to me. He has been remorseful and patient and understanding, never once minimizing his responsibility .

I love him to death and we are in MC and I am in IC to deal with some of the roller coaster of emotions. He has done some IC as well. We have made alot of progress but I am still coming to terms with the grief and right at the moment the anger/resentment. The anger ,surprisingly, has been a long time coming for me. My very nature would have suggested that anger would have been the one I had the most problems with. I realized through this that i trusted him SO completely that the betrayal is what continues to shatter me. Its almost like there was nothing more left to give after dealing with the tremendous grief from the betrayal. The physical pain after discovery was horrendous. I never want to be where I was those first few weeks again.

There is so much more, but I am tired. Thanks for letting me rant.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS)) hurting - just wanted to let you know that you were heard. I'm sorry you had to experience this crap - it sucks.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6140 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, October 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting... our stories are very similar. It gets better. I know it doesn't feel like it will, but it does. One moment at a time. It is almost 2 years since D-day for me, and sometimes it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. Other times it feels like yesterday. It's a roller coaster I never thought I'd be on.

You have an opportunity to make your marriage and relationship stronger as a result of all this pain. It sounds like both of you have chosen that route. It's hard, but it can work (I am proof). Keep that openness about your relationship that you've found now.

Best of luck to you...


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JanaGreen and 1Marley for your support.

1marley I read your profile and you update from 2009 and do see alot of similarities. Was his a one last hurrah kind of stupidity or something like that?

Your update is a little old. How are you emotionally now? Are things still forever changed? I am trying to prepare myself for the future, what to expect.

I find it interesting what you said about not tolerating things you once tolerated in the relationship. I too have raised the bar in our relationship. the big thing in ours was his inability to express love/romantic things to me. I took it with a grain of salt as just him but not anymore. It is something that HAS to change long term as far as I am concerned. the tolerance is just not there anymore for the things I use to put up with.

I am grateful for the lack of deception that goes with longer A or EA's, this is bad enough, I wouldnt want to handle that too.

Love to hear more about where you are emotionallly today when you have time. thanks again!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
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