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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GoodWife, I am finally getting back to your questions...sorry it took so long...

Sorry you are unhappy. Is there anything he can do that he is not doing?

Well, a few months ago, I would have said no.

But lately he has been reverting to his old behavior, so I would have to say, yes, there are things he could do...and I have talked to him about that...but he doesn't seem to get it...

Have you forgiven him? Do you still love? Can you imagine life without him?

I have forgiven him. And I do so still love him. But, I can also imagine life without him. And I am not sure which way would be better.

If he retired as pilot would it have a chance?

At this point, him being a pilot, or traveling for whatever reason, doesn't make a difference. So, no, him retiring as a pilot would not make a difference.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its,

you ok?


((((((itspjw))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry for the double post.

[This message edited by karmasnmf at 9:53 AM, June 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be okay.

I went to back to IC this morning, and it helped alot.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its,

glad IC is working. You know that we are here for you if you need us.

((((((itspjw))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((itspjw))

I am so sorry to hear that he's going back to his old behavior. That's an absolutely boundary for me, too. I hope you find happiness soon :)


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
gooddaysbaddays
♀ New Member
Member # 28948
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,
Lately there have been running thoughts in my head, related to my WH ONS. He has answered all questions and there are no further questions to ask about this. But I do not want to minimize what he did. Yes it was a ONS. However, he knew this girl, had talked to her through out the deployment and whenever I asked if he had made any friends, he denied it to me on our phone calls. He went out and bought condoms, even though he knew that I was not visiting at all. So, though it was a ONS, there was more involved in it. That's what gets me. Hense he is not off the hook. Actually I don't think a ONS, not planned, drunk, and not knowing the girl minimizes what a WP did. It was still an A. We are in reconciliation, so I have talked to him about all this, and decisions that ran through his head before the A. He reports being drunk the night it occurred, and really though he had thoughts about sleeping with her, he didn't think it would ever happen. He is remorseful, and has dealt with the pain related to change in our marriage after the A. Actually one the quotes he keeps saying is "I destroyed us". Yes, you destroyed the innocent us, the carefree, us, but out of this he and I are working to build a better, stronger, closer, marriage, with God leading us and from what I have seen, putting the other first, our marriage first in every decision we make.
So, I guess in my case, though it was a ONS, and relieved that I don't have to deal with the fear of the OW being around, our marriage still has dealt with the fallout and reconciliation has had all the struggles as any other marriage dealing with the A.

[This message edited by gooddaysbaddays at 12:12 PM, July 9th (Friday)]


BS- (31)me
WH- (30)
D-Day- 1/4/10
Married-5 years, together-7 years
reconcialing...still

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Florida
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gooddays... sorry you've been waiting awhile for a response.

In my opinion, I think you're getting yourself bogged down with details. Yes, they are significant, but are they moving you forward toward reconciliation? How important is it to know just how much was thought out or not thought out? Will any of these details change the way you feel about reconciling?

I totally get wanting to figure out the "perfect storm" as to how the ONS could have happened. I focused on that a lot for the first year or so. I still do, sometimes. But I do think it's more important to focus on what he's doing now to make your relationship better, if in fact you can find it in your heart to forgive. That's what will move you forward.

All the best to you.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another ONS BS here - does it count as a ONS if your spouse had to call the hooker to see what happened because he was too drunk to remember? Nice, huh?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JanaGreen... hugs. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, too, that I can relate. However my husband can't call the hooker to ask what happened because she doesn't speak English. Double nice.

These next few days/weeks/months will be difficult. Take each moment as it comes and reach out to people who you trust (and I think your husband can be one of those people, depending).

So sorry you are here, but you are in a supportive place.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

How are you? How is pregnancy going? Are you and your husband doing well?

Good Wife?


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, 1Marley. He's done everything right since he told me but it's still hard. ((hugs)) and good luck to you too.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodwife, doing well! Thanks for asking. I'm now six and a half months pregnant with a baby GIRL! Very exciting. The pregnancy has definitely triggered some ONS anxiety, but my husband is doing well with it for the most part. He's so focused on getting things ready for the baby, making sure I'm feeling good, being a good Dad. I keep reminding myself that THIS is the man I married, and that his one mistake doesn't define him.

But ah... so much easier said than done :)

How are you? How's everyone else out there that hasn't posted in awhile?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
RushingIt
♀ Member
Member # 29309
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new to this part of the forums...

is it really possible to let this one night/one mistake not define who he is??


BW me 31 WH 37
Dday 7/23/2010 ONS
TT 8/20/2010 another ONS
Some folks wish roses didn't have thorns, I'm grateful that the thorns have roses.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: wa
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so, Rushing.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JanaGreen and RushingIt . . . sorry you're here, but welcome to the ONS forum :) You'll get a lot of support here, but a little slower than the major forums as there are fewer of us.

JanaGreen--I think it still counts. One common thread in ONSs is consumption of alcohol.

RushingIt--absolutely it does not have to define him. But the ONS happened for a reason--because boundaries were poor, FOO, KISA syndrome, or any number of other problems. So even if it doesn't define him, it came from some part of him. That part needs to be mercilessly tracked down and systematically addressed if he will move beyond being a person who is vulnerable to this kind of activity.

Keep posting! Let us know if there's anything we can support you with or opine on :) And best of luck in these challenging times.

ps I am so glad to hear pregnancy is going well, 1Marley!


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
Trying2Survive2
♀ Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the ONS club.
The EA went on for 4 months , then the ONS.
Sux to be us guys..
Hugs..
I'm glad to find this forum.


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
RushingIt
♀ Member
Member # 29309
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is foo and kisa?


BW me 31 WH 37
Dday 7/23/2010 ONS
TT 8/20/2010 another ONS
Some folks wish roses didn't have thorns, I'm grateful that the thorns have roses.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: wa
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foo = Family of Origin issues
KISA = knight in shining armor syndrome

they are referenced here alot on SI.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
feelingstupid09
♀ Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya this thread is slow and I really could use it because it feels like so much of this is different. I actually told my WH that I wish it was an A because then it would seem at least he was risking it all for "love" even if he later decides it wasn't. He always knew it was just "business" or just his ego getting stroked. It's hard for me to balance all he was willing to risk for so little.

hang in there everyone.


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
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