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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am asking you all, if there was a point of clarity for you when you knew that you needed to R or D.

Jadyn-
For me, and most of us here, the OW was no longer in the picture (step one!). After that, I figured whether we were together or apart I would still feel pain, so I might as well give it a shot. So far, I am glad I did, but my anxiety levels are through the roof and my heart is forever scarred...


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Jadyn
♀ New Member
Member # 28208
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survivinglies ~ Thanks so much for sharing. Yes, OW is out of the picture...this OW. What if there were others? What if there will be others? He's lied so much and he is so good at it that I always believed him.

And the pain...Oh my goodness! I know everyone here knows it...but holy, it hurts so much.

He's acting like I should be getting over it and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and seems to be a little bit annoyed when I bring it up. We are not in MC...went once and the C was so crappy. I know we should be in it but I'm being stubborn and feel like he should be making the effort to make the appointments as he is the one that screwed up and "will do anything to R". I should also be in IC. Went once. Just can't seem to pick up the phone and call.

I like the polygraph idea. He should understand that with all the lies I at least deserve that so that I know the truth. Then I would know everything.

This is a stupid question...but if he says no to the polygraph, should I take that as a sign that there is more I don't know? Do some WS just volunteer to take one as they are so sorry and anxious for R?

Any suggestions on how to bring the Poly up with him?

Thanks again!


Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Canada
Jadyn
♀ New Member
Member # 28208
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survivinglies, you mentioned you are still anxious. How long have you been R for?

I am so anxious and sometimes I feel like yes, I will still hurt with him or without,..but without him the anxiousness would be gone and I could heal and be happy. Everytime he is on his blackberry, or I think about his upcoming road trips or conventions I feel like vomiting.

Do you still get anxious like that?

Thanks so much:)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Canada
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked FWH for a poly ten years ago. Back then , he was still lying about the ONS, said no, wanted me to "get over it" and I backed down. Fast forward- there was more. I needed a poly for him because I refused to R without knowing I had someone who was finally willing to be truthful.
As for the anxiety- it's been 2 years. Sure I get anxious about texts, other females, events... but it is more of a disease now and has trickled over into everyday things as well. I am on Xanax. It helps.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((survivinglies)) I am not sure what I can say to help out, as I had a different sitch, but I wanted to know you're heard and cared about

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost two years since I found out.

We worked hard on R. Both of us.

but it still might not be enough. My mind is back on D.

We'll see.

Sad that just one stupid night can cause so much pain.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 18th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw,

Sorry you are unhappy. Is there anything he can do that he is not doing?

Have you forgiven him? Do you still love? Can you imagine life without him?

If he retired as pilot would it have a chance?

Good wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw--

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say. E-hugs your way.

-Marley


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((ONS Support Thread))))))

I haven't been in this thread in several months.

I'm 4 years from D-day. This is actually the first year that the date came and went without me thinking bout it. I still trigger and I still do not trust my FWH 100%. I love him and am happy with the direction that our relationship is headed. We communicate a little more effectively. I hope that one day soon I can feel like I can put my guard down and trust him again and hand over my whole heart. Until that day comes, I still feel the need to protect it.

I just wanted you all to know that it does get easier. The hurt does lessen to a dull pain instead of a piercing through your heart.

I wish you all inner peace.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma-- thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I had a bit of a setback earlier this week when I watched a show that glamorized prostitution. It made it seem like it was no big deal, all guys do it, and the girls love it. I allowed myself to watch (bad idea) and allowed myself to spiral into the ugly thoughts about how my husband must have cheated on me a million times and would again if he had the chance. I couldn't sleep.

In the last couple days I have tried to remind myself of the person my husband has shown himself to be since this happened. You're right about time-- it's the healer. It's also the revealer. When I look at the last two years I see our relationship as more open and honest. My husband revealed who he is during my miscarriage (there for me and every step of the way) and my current pregnancy. He can't wait to be a father. He goes out of his way to spend time with me. He holds my hand in public and is proud to call me his wife. THAT is the man I married and he has proven himself to be. I won't define him or our relationship by his worst moment.

I would NEVER say I'm glad I went through the pain of infidelity, but I'm glad with where we are now.

And when I think about it with clarity, part of me feels sorry for the girl he wound up with that night. I feel sorry for all those girls and the emptiness of their lives.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
dealbreaker
♀ Member
Member # 28875
Question  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I am new at this so please bear with me. I have a question and I really don't know where to post. My H had a ONS a year ago. I found out 2 months later. I was alright for a while until the details starting coming out. One of them being he had every intention of seeing this person again, but she gave him the wrong number and blew him off. So it was only a ONS because she made it so. Now I feel he is with me by default and I will never have closure on this. I think this would have been a LTA if she gave him the chance. He says it would have been "sex only" but I find that hard to believe. The men I've spoken to about this tell me it's absoloutly possible. It's been a year and because of this I can't seem to move on. I feel no better today than I did a year ago. Any thoughts?


..."It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it"....Lena Horne

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New York
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealbreaker-

I believe you are in the right place. This was a ONS, no matter what your husband's intentions may have been afterward. I'm curious as to how you found out he was contacting her afterward; how you found out at all? It seems to me that if he came clean to you you have every reason to believe him. Did you say in your bio that your marriage has become stronger as a result of your counseling?

For what it's worth, I believe that it "could" have been a "sex-only" thing. The truth is, there is no way to know. You are seeking closure (as are all of us) that won't come. I don't think it's possible for any of us to have complete closure or understanding.

I know this doesn't help, but that is my honest opinion. Stop trying to find closure outside of yourself. Make peace with the fact that this was a mistake that your husband is working to make right (hopefully?)

So much easier said than done, I know. E-hugs to you.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
dealbreaker
♀ Member
Member # 28875
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley, thanks for your response. I have read alot of your posts and value your opinion. Unfortunately my H didn't come clean, it would have been so much easier if he had. I found out 2 months later because I sensed a shift in his personality. Little things, like not saying goodbye in the morning anymore, coming home from work and avoiding me more than usual. Then one day it finally hit me, and I start confronting him. After 4 days he finally confesses. No remorse, no guilt. Payback time. I ask if he wants a divorce, he says no he wants more of an open relationship, after all he says, youv'e wanted nothing to do with me for a long time. I say no way, not happening. Then he says do you want to try counseling? I say OK. At first things go very well because I think this is all my fault, and I think I'm a little in shock. Fast forward 3 months later I start finding out the details, and I am devestated. Can hardly function I am so consumed with this. By this time he is really showing guilt and remorse because I did a complete turn around and worked on my issues that got us here. In some ways we have never gotten along better. But there are things that he did that night that I just can't get over. There are also things he did after the fact that just haunt me. I always thought there was a possibility he might cheat, but never did I think he would humiliate me in such a way. We are still in counsling, realize what wev'e done to each other, and except for the fact that I trigger about twice a week things are ok. He is having a hard time with me bringing it up every week....but takes it. for me he hasn't suffered enough.


..."It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it"....Lena Horne

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome dealbreaker,

How is counseling going? Does your WH want to be in the marriage and want the marriage to work?

What about you? What do you want?

You are only 1 year out, the triggers are going to happen. My FWH didn't come clean on his on either. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right and when I started my investigation and found evidence, I confronted him. His ONS was with someone in another state (I knew he wouldn't see her everyday)but he was still e-mailing/texting her up until I found out. 4 years out and I still trigger.

Give yourself some time and figure out what you want and work towards that. good luck

((((((dealbreaker))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dealbreaker)))

Karmasmf is totally right. 1 year is not that long, and you are entitled to ride the ups and downs of all of this. My husband didn't come clean, either. This is still (almost two years out) one of the biggest triggers for me.

You need to decided what you want, that is the bottom line. I get the sense like you're waiting for your husband to take the drivers seat in your reconciliation. That might not happen, though by all rights it seems like he should. So my advice to you is to take some time in individual counseling to figure out what YOU want and need for this reconciliation to take place.

Much luck to you. We're here if you need.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
dealbreaker
♀ Member
Member # 28875
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I really have no one to talk to about this...only one person in my family knows,and can't relate. My H relly wants to work this out, so do I. We are both to blame. I hadn't been intimate with him in well over a year. If he had just went out, met this woman and got laid I think I would have understood. The problem is he crossed every line there was to cross with this complete stranger. Starting with not using protection. Sharing personel information with her, and spending hours with her. Making plans to see her again. My biggest problem is he treated her with dignity. If he would have just f..ked her and left I believe I'd be ok now. Then he starts emailing her how thats the best night he's had in a long time..empowering her. all with the intention of doing this behind my back. He placed her above me in one night...thats what I can't get over, and how quickly he threw his family away. Meanwhile the OW, wanted nothing more from him than that one night.


..."It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it"....Lena Horne

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing that I can surmise from our WS's ONS's is that it is an out. It's their way of not having to deal with reality.

Have you and your WH spoke about why you hadn't been intimate with him for over a year? Have you been able to deal with the mentally and emotionally by yourself?

I really think that there are issues other than the ONS that need to be addressed. BUT you cannot beat yourself up for him having a ONS. No matter what was going on the in marriage, that did not give him the right to turn to someone else.



Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed with karmasnmf. There may have been issues in the m in which you took part, but ONLY your WS has culpability for the ONS.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he had a ons for an out...

guess what? I am out.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dealbreaker
♀ Member
Member # 28875
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 26th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were definately issues in our marriage before the ONS. After a year in MC, we addressed them all, and in that respect things have never been better. The counsling helped enormously. Just can't get past some of the things he did with the ONS, and how easily he decieved me. Even though our marriage was in a bad place, I think he owed me a certain amount of honesty and respect. Plus the fact that he pulled out all the stops for this woman, a complete stranger, on night one. After reading alot of the posts, at least in most situations the WH's didn't treat the ONS well. I wanted all the details....and I got them, just having a really hard time proccesing all of this.


..."It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it"....Lena Horne

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New York
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