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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't is strange GoodWife and 1Marley that all of our WH were drunk off their rockers while committing their ONS?

If only they understood what they were setting themselves up for.

In my case I truly believe that the OW capitalized on the situation and took advantage of him. My WH is the most laid back drunk ever, yes - bad decisions - but the ONS was out of character.

Regardless - the pain still exists...

(((to all)))


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I truly believe that the OW capitalized on the situation and took advantage of him. My WH is the most laid back drunk ever, yes - bad decisions - but the ONS was out of character.

Same here.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto...

Never would have happened sober; she grabbed him and wanted it bad. He was so set up.

Some would say, "You are a fool to believe that one!"

But I know it is true.. I teach at a High School and college level.

I lecture the girls all the time when they tell me about their aggression.

scary


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends,

2009 was when I found out about his ONS that occurred years ago.

Some SI friends have said I was lucky, he was drunk, started and stopped once he realized what he was doing, remorseful, guilt ridden...you all know the rest. Our stories are different; our pain similar.

Anyway, part of the reveal and, perhaps the healing, has come through emails I have saved to a word document and reread once or twice a week. The emails are a mishmash of professions of love and devotion to me, and some trickle truth.

I want to know,when I throw out the trash from 2009, do I trash the emails as well? Are they hurting or helping me?

I want to move forward and get better, do you think these emails are hurting me to keep and re-read?

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Thread #II! I have no idea why that is exciting to me

Mtnlabbie--- "if only they knew what they were setting themselves up for"... my sentiments exactly. The ONS (especially with a dirty hooker!) is so totally out of character for my husband that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think, "Did the last year of my life actually happen?" In my more lucid moments I am able to see past the sickness of the act and realize that this moment of drunken weakness was indicative of things going wrong in my HUSBAND's life at the time (and had nothing to do with me). I wish I had more of those moments, but (especially lately) I am still stuck in yucky thoughts.

Good Wife-- I am a high school teacher, too. I talk to girls all the time about choices, bad decisions, the power of forgiveness. Sometimes I think that without the perspective of my profession I would never have gotten through the last year.

Regarding the emails, I definitely think you should keep them. I have kept mine. Sometimes I want to go back to the "I'm sorry's" as a reminder of the pain we have both gone through over this.

Just my opinion, though. If there's one thing I've learned in all of this it's that everyone is so unique in their grief.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley

I totally agree with so much that you say. I too am stuck in the yucky-sad-blahs-in a rut sort of feeling. I hate feeling like this, I used to be the happiest,most outgoing person you ever met. fortunately I am still like this for my students, but not my spouse.

I had always been "in-love" with him...all through our 20+ years together. I know he says that he has and always has felt that way about me too...either I don't believe him, or my feelings have changed.

I know I still love and want him and our marriage, our family and life together.

But man-oh-man, I want out of this rut!!!

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
Revkwd
♀ Member
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH was stone, cold, sober at mid day at a motel they had to arrange and meet at. How to process that??? And it's been over 30 years and still hurting, although 5+years from Dday.


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revkwd-- we are not so different. As much as alcohol was a factor in my husband's choice, he was coherent enough to wear a condom. He was coherent enough to shower after. He even told me that he sat on the couch with her for "a long time" watching TV before he took her into our bedroom. She tried to talk to him, but he couldn't understand her because she didn't speak any English.

How to process any of this? I have no idea. Write, talk. Read stories of couples who have worked through infidelity and become stronger. This article helped me this morning:

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/surviving-an-affair


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revkwd, 1Marley, itspjw, 3 mtnlabbie.....

I am as sorry for your pain as I am for my own.

Last night i told FWS that I loved him and that we would work it out, not for the kids, but because I don't ever want to be without him. I also told him that I would try to forgive and move on, but that it would always be there between us to some degree. I won't ever be able to forget.

He was upset. I asked him if he had forgotten what happened and he said no, it haunts his every day. So I then I pointed out, it would be impossible for me to forget either. It is now part of what our marriage is.

I had said this before, but I believe it now. He is as remorseful and as in pain as I am. I am sick and tired of feeling like crap.

I want us to move on together. This is our reality,take it or leave it. The past is over....let it go as much as you can...grip a hold of today and charge into it as a survivor.

I have kind and warm thoughts coming your way.

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Good Wife! That is awesome and yes there is SO going to be pain and hurt and remorse and hate and on and on.

BUT - we are going to be stronger. We made the decision to stay for ourselves. We made the decision to not only work on ourselves, but our marriage.

I'm thinking I'm at the point of reconciliation. Really, I think we are there. WH ONS is a part of us. It will never go away, and we have moved on. I hate thinking that the ONS made us stronger but I think it truly did. It still hurts my heart, soul, spirit, and ego, but it was also something I didn't have control over.

I am so thankful for you all. We are in a unique boat to say the least.


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I'm in a very bad space at the moment. My husband and I got into a blow-out fight this morning over him waking up in the middle of the night to play video games. He has always had terrible sleep habits, and this sort of thing is nothing new, but playing (and hiding behind) video games after the ONS is a huge trigger for me and makes me question him now.

He absolutely could NOT see where I was coming from. All he could do was exaggerate the things I said to make me sound ridiculous and get angry that I wasn't thinking about things from his point of view (Umm... what about MY point of view??) I started off calm, and he called me self-righteous. I got upset and he called me crazy. It escalated from there, ended in punching walls and "fuck you"s.

I realize now that we have been fighting like this for awhile now. Our fights have gotten more and more mean, and when they involve the ONS in any way he makes me feel like I have no right to feel the way I do, or if I do I have no right to handle it the way I do. I can do nothing right if it involves him feeling guilty in any way.

I don't think he's cheating on me. That is not the point. The point is that I think he's gotten to a place where he feels like he's done his penance and shouldn't have to revisit the ONS anymore. I think he has convinced himself that it is ME, the WEAK person that I am, that prevents us from healing from this.

I know that's not true. I am certainly not perfect but neither is he. Right now he is out plowing the driveway, no doubt feeling unappreciated for all he does (which is completely not the case). I am looking up marriage counselors in our new area, even though he recently said he thinks it's ME who needs the counseling, not US (anymore).

I am very scared for our marriage. I can't take a lifetime of this. Please keep us in your thoughts.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((1Marley)))))


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((1Marley))))))))

Think about this....do you love him? Can you imagine life without him? Can you stand the thought of another woman being his wife?

As much as the betrayal ravaged you, is this his true character?

I have been with my WH for many years...does one incident define him? No way, the million other incidents that were good and honorable define him. For a moment, one snapshot in time, he made a horrible decision that will affect the rest of his life. Believe me, neither he not I will EVER forget it happened, that being said, you either need to make a decision to move on together, or move on alone.

My IC has helped me so much, he has even limited the amount of time I am allowed to visit SI a week, he has told me I cannot allow this to consume the larger part of my psyche. If I continue to feed the negativity and sadness, it will grow. You need to stop feeding the monster.

Find a good IC FOR YOU....get advice for you, fix you. You need help to find a way to make this smaller in your mind, you need to focus on and love yourself.

I wish I could give you a hug, but I can't...so I am forwarding you my strength.

Fondly,
Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alcohol was involved for FWH, but he made several conscious choices (going to a secluded location, getting in the backseat). there were several times he "shoulda said no".


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

how are you doing?


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd put my hand up here, yep, another drunken WS, another prostitute/hooker, another marriage under terrible strain.

Great to know we have each other here to lean on.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 7:52 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 20th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Good Wife- your words completely resonated with me. Many times over the last couple of weeks I have repeated, "don't feed the monster".

THANK YOU.

I've made an appointment with a new counselor and am going myself (at first). I do feel, after some honest reflection, that it is MY responsibility to make some of the healing happen. I will never find peace if I keep waiting for my husband to magically give it to me.

Hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. Hold_yards, I know what you mean about getting caught up in the tornado. Hang in there; I know it's tough.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((1Marley)))))

Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*

Just wondering if anyone was still around...


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
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