The OM was 22, a highschool dropout, crackhead, alcoholic, and lived in his parents basement. He was just an escape for her.
My now ex wife ended up having the OM move in with her in the worst part of town after our divorce was final, and she was pregnant and she quit her job.
She traded down.
Ugh, for me it sucked to read this...basically the OW described here is my WW. Her self esteem IS really low and in the middle of a MLC =\ She is however very physically attractive, especially for her age.
Same with my wife when she had her affair. Just understand, this is important to get this into your head deeply, that your wife with you (with all her insecurities and MLC still there), and being faithful, is a much better person than the same woman who is with the OM and cheating or contemplating that act. It's not just the physical side, it's the mental side, and the sexual side. Pretty often the sex in many affairs is lousy sex and not the "hot stuff" that people imagine it is (particularly those of us BS's who have to imagine quite a bit).
My wife cheated with a guy who was simply not someone she was going to be happy with, as per my prior post.
She was happy and joyful when the affair started, excited to have the affair. But she was trampling her marriage, a faithful husband, and family (4 kids and me), into the dirt. For a guy who she couldn't even hold a long conversation with.
He told her she was "hot" and "sexy" and "smart". All the things that I had told her, but that she didn't believe when it came from me because she thought she never measured up to me because I was "smarter" and "sexier" and "looked a lot younger than me". What's not to like, right?
Then, a few weeks into it, maybe less than a month, or even less, he tells her "you could stand to lose 10-15 pounds".
Wow, what happened to "hot" and "sexy"....what happened to "smart".
Well, hot and sexy is making love to your husband and having orgasms...not screwing a guy while you are drunk and then cleaning up the mess afterward while he zips his pants and leaves scot-free. Then later, in front of other people, tells you that you are "fat".
Smart is knowing that a guy who cheats on his wife, with you, will cheat on you if it goes anywhere, and that he's the kind of guy who will call you "stupid" when you make a mistake, and "fat" when he wants to hurt you.
She affaired down.
What about him? My wife was smarter, younger, sexy, cuter than his wife (I've seen pictures), and he still affaired down. Why?
Well, my wife was drinking/drunk during most of their sexual encounters, she drank to get up the nerve to do it, she drank afterward to forget it and handle her feelings, his wife was apparently sober and working a full time job. The woman he had sex with was not a woman I would have sex with, seriously. I don't do drunk women, it's bad sex.
She stopped being that, came back to the marriage, and stopped drinking at some later date, and got treatment for her issues. If I died, and she had another relationship, she would be the woman I am living with, I hope. That person who dates her would be lucky. If she starts drinking again, all bets are off.
Cognitive stuff gets screwed up, thoughts go from random thoughts (like "I'd like to fuck her") to words/actions ("wanna fuck"/random unsolicited touching)
Cognitive stuff gets screwed up, thoughts go from random thoughts (like "I'd like to fuck her") to words/actions ("wanna fuck"/random unsolicited touching) which if responded to become actions.
This is important to know, particularly if you are dealing with bipolar disease and addictions, it is like the regulator on the brain malfunctions and there is no inhibition of action.
This can also happen with illegal drugs, alcohol, and with prescription drugs that are used properly as well as abused (antidepressants, anxiety medication, sleeping medications, sedative/hypnotics).
As mentioned above, a thought becomes a word and then an action. The only thing that is missing in most cases of "misconduct" is the receptive responder.
So a deliberate serial philanderer may approach 20 men/women before he/she gets a response from a single susceptible usually non-responding person but one who is now in crisis, or from another serial cheat.
On the other side of this, for a usually faithful person, or a "non-serial philanderer", who is on drugs, having a medical problem, or having mental health issues (like a manic episode), who is now having regulation problems with their inhibitions, if they are approached by the other person (whether that person has the same problem as they do and it is a temporary problem or if they are just a serial philanderer) they may NOT BE ABLE to stop their response. Their inhibitions are deregulated and don't kick in, and they become like a car with a stuck accelerator and failed brakes.
These people are extremely susceptible to suggestion, of any type, from any person, perceived or actual.
Not making excuses, but this actually happens. This is why we are not allowed to have sexual relationships with our patients, despite many people in the profession who argue (privately) that we should be allowed to do this, and the lesser number who actually do engage in sexual activity with patients.
I have seen this in patients first hand, and in those who are being treated for depression and other disorders, and in those with cognitive impairment due to various diseases (Huntington's Disease is one well know for this as is Bipolar Disorder, but strikingly enough we also see this in patients being treated for Parkinson's Disease and we use the same drugs for treatment of Restless Legs Syndrome and Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, and in those patients who develop Alzheimer's and Lewy-Body Dementia occasionally).
Just for clarity, these patients are "not themselves" when this happens. They are functioning in an aberrant cognitive state. The damage they do is no less, but it is something the person/spouse/counselor/family/friends has to keep in mind when they are evaluating the "origins of the behavior".
Unfortunately, some who fall to this type of problem are never able to deal with what they have done when they come "back to themselves" and suicide is very high risk as well as drug use and other dysfunctional behaviors in order to "try to forget" what has happened.
I have seen this professionally, and unfortunately, I saw it personally in my own family when my wife was treated for depression. Talk about an education.
NOTE: Edited to remove misspellings and finish the post, it double posted from a handheld device, before I was done writing it. Sorry for any confusion.
[This message edited by standinghere at 1:56 AM, March 19th (Monday)]
FWW was definitely hypomanic at least (full blown mania and halucinations some of the time).
Which means that she was dis-inhibited, the "regulator" on her responses was broken.
She says it wasn't who she is today who did that, and this is true.
In fact, the person that you know, the "personality complex" that you deal with when she is under effective treatment, is not the same "personality complex" that did this.
I've taken care of many patients with true Bipolar Disorder, who are off their meds for a few days, and they will do just about anything. I've seen women who are just oozing sexuality vibes as they talk. All they need to be gotten to engage is a willing responder or someone else to initiate something (even a subtle hint will lead to it). It is one of the reasons that on our psychiatric units sexual relationships are forbidden between patients.
They will also sometimes become angry or hostile due to perceived lack of responses, and even self destructive if they perceive a lack of receptiveness (I had a patient leave my office once, she was a pretty woman about my age, with Bipolar Disease, who was giving off these vibes and I didn't respond, she went home and took a drug overdose).
However, the same person treated with Lithium Carbonate or Valproate, or other drugs used for this reason, is a very different person.
However, I tell her, whoever the fuck it was, it was my wife who did it and that's a tough pill to swallow
Amen to that, and that is where she has to put a lot of work into this, to understand what happened, why it happened, and how she is going to make sure that it never happens again. Otherwise, you will never fell secure with her again.
Thank you for your post above explaining about disorders, etc. my WH was diagnosed with dissociative disorder, which his therapist said was the underlying factor that pushed him to cross the marital boundaries. I researched online when I found out, but still couldn't wrap my head around the "why's" of his actions. I think I'm beginning to understand the why's. At least some of them.
I'm six months post-DDay #2. Still trying to garner enough courage to post my story in my profile...
This was not how it was supposed to end.
Thank you again.
I feel so much better being here & learning from everyone. My WH's "friends" are most def stepdowns. I guess he liked being the voice of wisdom & a hero of sort. I guess he knows he won't get that idol worship nonsense from me!
[This message edited by Flying fox at 5:52 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]