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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things that every WS needs to know
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully the MOD will place this in our healing library.

I think this is one of those things that should be placed on both WS and BS, it tells the story of were we are headed, and going, as well as a instruction manual for WS to follow right along and keep up with us now.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A shameless bump becasue HUFI needs to read the section on trickle truthing again!

You would figure that he could learn one of these times, don't ya!


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Bunnyhop
♀ New Member
Member # 25894
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your wise words.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: uk
iwantoff
♀ New Member
Member # 25553
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: minnesota
iwantoff
♀ New Member
Member # 25553
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: minnesota
gardengirl
♀ Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, thanks so much for this, it captures it all so well


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
how2cope
♀ New Member
Member # 26073
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is truly an amazing post! As someone else said, it felt like you read my mind. It breaks my heart to know that so many of us are out there relating to this post and knowing exactly what it feels like. This is definately a keeper! Thank you


Me - BS - 44
Him - WH - 50
Together 23 yrs, M-16
D-Day - Oct. 10/09
Final trickle truth out Nov. 22/09
Love each other like it's your last day

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2009
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could give this to every single person who is thinking of cheating right now. Sure does illustrate how devestating and permanent the consequences are.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved this post. I identified with so much here. Thanks.

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Thud.


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Nope!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
lola007
♀ New Member
Member # 23510
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the words


me-FWS 42
him-BS 48

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: United States
fireandice
♀ Member
Member # 22445
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! An excellent post!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2009
WifePI
♀ Member
Member # 26264
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so well written. So powerful. The suggestion to place it in the healing library is a great one.

My H read this yesterday per my request, and it seems to have impacted him in a strong way. He has already made efforts to follow some of that advice. I think it brought him more understanding about my feelings than all of the talking I've done. It's like he is finally starting to "get it".

Thank you for this amazing post!


BW (me)
FWH (twelve week EA/PA with MOW)
Together 10 yrs, M for 4

Dday #1: 5/30/09
False NC/False R: 6/29/09
Dday #2 (same MOW): 7/13/09

TT and rugsweeping continue to drag out our healing...


Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 810 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
JoyH
♀ Member
Member # 5973
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an "oldie" and BS, I would recommend this post to anyone trying to recover. A good summary of many of the recovery resources.

I've read the books and been through it so much in the early time after dday, with massive trickle truths and even some minor backsliding behavior.

This rings so true to what the majority of BS go through. We don't want to be protected from the truth, as that just means further lies. Yes, triggers can happen for a long time, but with time, they get easier to push aside, eventually, becoming more matter of fact.

Offering that little reassurance when infidelity comes up on TV or even offering to change the channel in that first year can mean so much. A hug, a whisper about how the BS will never have to worry about that again can mean so much!

Recovery from such an emotional trauma is a long and difficult road. Something the BS even beats themselves up about and can become very discouraged over.

Wish we had found more help in those early months, we may have progressed faster. In hindsight, I see the effects of the massive trickle truth in very delayed rebuilding of trust that might never be the same.

Everyone is different in their needs, and it is hard to believe that this will work when dealing with a BS who is in the mist of the roller coaster of emotions after dday.

I can only testify from my own experience and years of being around boards like this to say that this CAN help.

Time and lots of effort from both spouses will be the key. Lots of patience and seeking help to find the path to build stronger boundaries to protect your marriage in the future.

Wish I knew who to give credit for this article!


Initial dday 11/00.
Me: BS
H: WS,
Difficult road, but Reconciling.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past and instead inviting hope for a better future."

"The Truth Hurts, But It's Best That You Know."


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Fl, USA
captiva
♀ Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing - I wish I could have shared this with my H in the aftermath of d-day and our recovery process. There are a few things on there that would have undoubtedly changed the way I feel now.

Thanks Hufi for posting this.


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for this post. It is so true and helped me feel stronger to know I am in the Process of healing. I sent it to my FWH who is away on business, which is always a hard time for us.
He responded with these words.
I see the wisdom in the words.
I will take them to heart and make them my own
I will remember to remember to remind you of how grateful I am and I am grateful for your willingness to give me a second chance.
I found my real life and am living it for the first time.
I am grateful to be sharing it truly and and whole heartily and gladly with you.
I am truly sorry for the pain and grief I have caused you. You did not deserve it. It was inexcusable, I offer no excuses. I was wrong and I know it. Thank you for giving me a chance to help you heal the hurt I caused you.
There is so much more to do and say. Together we can find our way. I am at your side even though I am far away I am with you.
I love you,

A great way to start the day
I hope you have the same


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years† Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 317 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
thaboss
♀ Member
Member # 26342
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CA
mtloser
♂ New Member
Member # 26392
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you need to get over yourself, this over the top crap is way to self serving.


life is what you make it

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumpity bump bump for t he newbies


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Topic Posts: 397
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