i hope you are joking about when to have the baby...its funny but yet its not....
Only sort of. I'm actually going to ask for the 15th. That would mean we'll be coming home from the hospital on St. Patrick's Day. As it turns out, I need to have her that week for medical reasons and the 17th was their traditonal day to go out and then they took the day off work and snuck off to the hotel (just HAD to be the one right next to the hospital, but I digress) on the 19th last year (her H always goes to Vegas with his brothers for March Madness, and lo and behold, there is a hotel charge on my WH's bank statment for the day her BH left town...) so I want to do it at the beginning of the week and then the end of the week will be HAPPY for me because I'll be cooing over my little girl instead of focusing on his (former) stupidity!
You know, I haven't cried in DAYS. I'm really starting to get past this. Weirdly enough, and my IC agreed with me, I seem to have the capacity to just let it go and go on with my life eventually. Letting it go isn't the same as sweeping it under the rug or ignoring it. It's more of an acceptance thing. I think it's also because he's been *mostly* so remorseful so far. The Tiger comment was asinine, but whatever.
I got a nice ego boost from my friend's husband Saturday night. Her kids are very tiny (2 under 2) and she had a little playdate/party but I only took the two little ones and WH took the big guy out with him. My friends are an interesting couple in my life because the woman is a former college roomate of mine and the husband is a former classmate from my not-too-big high school and then they met a few years ago somewhere we all worked. She went to HS in a different town and he went to a different college than us so it was all coincidence. Anyway, I didn't tell them about WH's A but she was asking how I've been and I told her that physically all is well but that it's been rough and I told them about WH's 1200+ texts to XHSGF and how I put a stop to that and all the mid-life crisis "I wants" and my old classmate/friend's husband spontaneously exclaimed; "He's crazy! He's already got everything most guys going through a midlife crisis are dreaming about! A much younger, great wife, great kids, beautiful house," etc. It was so sweet and genuine. It made me smile. He thought WH was crazy for going after anything else with what he has, much less someone older and then he said "a sports car would be cool though. He could go speeding around in his sports car with his much-younger cool wife! You should get one." So funny. So there is the male perspective from a guy who has never been interested in me but *has* known me for the last 20 years!
Thought you might get a kick out of that story.
Probably won't post much -- I've got a LOT to do to be ready in 3 weeks.
Yes, if she comes fishing and he tells me and lets me deal with her it is probably good for me to figure out how I'm going to do that. I know I really scared her with my comment about messing her up last summer -- but I also think miracle's advice about treading lightly is pretty decent -- though I won't tread THAT lightly.
I think what I do is show up right at her doorstep unannounced with a friend of mine (as a witness so she can't make up some weird allegation) with whatever she sends him and simply tell her something along the lines of -- he sent this straight to me, he didn't pay any other attention to it. He's always going to do that, it's over with you two and you really aren't going to see him/talk to him again. Accept it, move on, and don't let there be a next time, because if there IS a next time I'm going to do my best to make sure all hell breaks loose in your life. I can tell you right now from his behavior my WH isn't going anywhere and I'm not giving him up. You made a play for him, you got farther than I would have expected you could, but you lost so accept it, give up and move on.
I'm also going to tell WH about all the nasty things she said to my nanny about our oldest DS. When my nanny told me not long ago, I gasped I was so shocked. My oldest DS is gorgeous (people stop me on the street to tell me he should be a model) so smart, but mainly so KIND. He's so sweet and cool. The only way not to like him is to be jealous of him. She asked my nanny didn't she think DS was horribly spolied and wasn't it just an awful job to have to take care of him all day? oldest DS is the light of my WH's life. I can't imagine him EVER having anything to do with OW again after he hears that. What a harpy.
I could have written most of that. Fears, resentment, rejection. The fact that my blind trust was used against me.
I have read a signiture line on here by a man that goes something like this, "we were in a open marriage, I just did not get the memo."
I would not ever want a relationship like that, but somewhere in my head I do have the bitterness you describe about her getting to enjoy the lust. It shows how selfish they are. They want to enjoy this cool time but would not let you do the same. During my Ws LTA, if I had said, "I am bored, I want to have a affair" she would have gone ballistic. It would have truly been a do as I say not as I do situation. I suspect that most of our WSs would have reacted the same.
Now, about the lack of boundaries that allowed this to happen. Hind sight is 20/20. My W confessed to a short time A and then 5 yrs later I let her take a job that involved being in motels with male coworkers and other men? From the outside looking in, how stupid does that look?
I did not want to stand in the way of her having a good job and her getting to contribute in that way. I had to trust her or forbid the job. I new I could not trust the men around her. I just trusted her. I suppose there is something to the old saying, "keep them pregnant and barefooted."
I think that with time these feelings you are having will diminish. I do not know if this will ever all go away for you. You are not very long into the R process. Do you think a D would change most of these feelings? I can tell that you are a bit down. I know that the upcoming 25th anniversary has to be weighing on your mind. You have done a bunch of hard work. Hang in there.
If you really do end up going to confront the OW, have your frind bring a recording device so you can get what is said. Much better than a earwitness account. Just remember that what you say is going to be recorded too. I could have been in trouble had my conversation with OM#1 been recorded.
The comment from your friends H was nice. He is right about your H. He was crazy. I think that applies to all our WSs.
I will not make fun of you for not being able to post a picture. A few posts back I was going to quote someone but was not able to make that happen. I am a moron concerning computer usage.
Hugs to the tribe.
Do you think a D would change most of these feelings?
My wife did do something special this afternoon and I do feel much better. I was not afraid to tell her I need some affection.. She really didn't respond to well but today she surprised me with a weekend trip in a couple week at a very nice place... It should be fun.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:43 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]
i am glad that she planned a weekend with you, its romantic, its spontaneous and its awesome...
m3: i am glad that you are having the baby on a different day...she deserves her own day...so yay
You know, I haven't cried in DAYS. I'm really starting to get past this. Weirdly enough, and my IC agreed with me, I seem to have the capacity to just let it go and go on with my life eventually. Letting it go isn't the same as sweeping it under the rug or ignoring it. It's more of an acceptance thing.
i am glad that acceptance seems to be coming easy so far, and that his remorse is genuine....just a word of caution....this can sometimes be a rollercoaster and to boot your hormones are not in a normal state and are about to go through the roof....
and those ego boosts are such a breath of oxygen in its purest form.....thoroughly nourishing to the mind, the soul and the ego....
then 5 yrs later I let her take a job that involved being in motels with male coworkers and other men? From the outside looking in, how stupid does that look?
i don't think its stupid, naieve absolutely, too trusting completely.....and very hopeful on your part....hopeful that it will never happen again....
booger: hope your day went well today
you think that you are not the man for her
I thought I was a good H… so apparently not. I know I am a good H… even better today… but just because I think I’m a better H, does not mean she thinks I’m a good H... or mate. Obvious insecurity I guess… trust... and all that... wanting to control things I have no control over.
My hurt this past week end was mostly all about dwelling on the past… I have found that to be the most difficult to deal with.
oh well on with life.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:03 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]
when is your anniversary....25 years, and most of them you were happy weren't you...and you are finding your way back to one another....
did i mention that sometimes i am an idealist....it battles the realist within me all the time....
I honestly believe that most WS's would have cheated regardless. It doesn't mean you're not the right man for her or good enough etc. It's about her -- not you. Don't let yourself forget that.
The fact that my blind trust was used against me.
I suppose there is something to the old saying, "keep them pregnant and barefooted."
Ugh. That's been me for 5 years while WH has been running around. Let's not even go there! Now, I'm thinking if all the liberal feminists out there were *truly* pro-woman these health care bills would include mandatory coverage for plastic surgery to put everything back where it started after you're done having kids!!!
I just take it one day at a time -- it's really the only way you can live your life anyhow. I might get sad again. He might screw up again, but I'm not going to worry about it. I know now that I can handle whatever comes my way. The sad fact is that the worst thing that can happen is just the same thing that has already happened -- and I won't be shell-shocked. Disappointed, yes, but I know what all my options are, etc. now and so I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with.
ETA -- thanks for the advice about the recorder dip! It's legal to record a conversation without the other party knowing about it in my state. I will absolutely do that if it comes to a confrontation. Might be good for WH to hear, and it will keep me from getting too extreme, as well as give me proof nothing illegal happened if I need it. I'm certainly not going to risk weird unfounded accusations or losing my law license over this.
[This message edited by m334455 at 10:06 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]
I'm sure you will be careful if you do have to talk to OW. Protect that law licence at all cost! That law licence is another big reason to record the talk.
Sorry about that pg & barefoot comment. I was not thinking.
The trust issue is a real problem especially in these times. I agree with what you said. It is a recipe for disaster. But we can not be with our spouses 24-7. Damn, being with each other 24-7! I think that would also be a recipe for disaster for many of us.
Thank you for not agreeing that I was stupid! I know that when a BS finds out about the A that the feeling of stupid is common. I have seen WSs on here say "what was I thinking?" when refering to their A. I know when I was sorting all of this out, I said the same thing when I was wondering why I trusted her, again. "What was I thinking?"
It is good to hear you are feeling better. The trip gives you something nice to look forward to.
I do think that getting a D and finding someone else could change most of those feelings. Finding someone else would be the key to that. If you did not find another, I think the dwelling on the past would stay with you. If you did find a nice new mate, the focus would change to the future. My problem would be finding a new mate. Who in the hell would put up with a old dipstick?
I am bad about dwelling on past events. Not just A related but other stuff. It is a bad habit and hard to break.
Blind trust is beautiful and hopeful and brave, but it's also reckless and ridiculous
i disagree with this completely...i know go figure...but yes blind trust is not only beautiful but necessary in healthy relationships....i used to pride myself on trusting pfm 99.99999% ....always hangin on to the millionth of a tenth percent....that was a gift from my parents sich....and grandparents....and aunts and uncles and so on and so on .....
ayways i don't know if i would say it should be blind trust, but complete trust...in a loving healthy relationship this necessary otherwise there will always be something lacking....it is one the reasons i am done...i will never ever get to that place with pfm ever again...he had every opportunity to prove himself worthy instead he proved himself to be the liar and by his choice a liar he will always be.....
btw when i had my kids i felt forever preggo....i had them one after the other...the kicker was i started out having fertility issues....people used to joke with me that pfm is never home how did i find the time to get preggo again and again....now i know some of the places he was..
and speaking of putting the body back together, i decided to do just that...i have appt. lined up and hopefully by the end of march i will be healing.....
Who in the hell would put up with a old dipstick?
did you not hear the news....men can hook-up all the time, no matter the age...there are plenty of women....hence the problem for us gals...too many women, not enough men....
if i didn't have a thing for penis's hell i would hook up with a woman...
Men can hookup all the time, no matter the age? I'm sure there are several men that would like the address of that bar. I suppose it is true if the old man has a bunch of money. You said "if i didn't have a thing for penis's hell i would hook up with a woman..." I am trying to think up something funny to say here. For some reason I am at a loss. Maybe I better leave that one alone.
I do wish you well with getting your body back together. What sucks about getting older is the fact that things do not work as well as they once did.
Maybe I better leave that one alone.
although depending on what ever response you can come up with i may have to play chicken....here chick chick...
m334455.. Thanks for the comments.. I believe what you say is true.
Iwant.. true... and true... all true.
Oh well... Let me focus on something else...
I cant just "get over it" now that he is faithful and more of H and F then he ever was. I cant just smile and move on, even though he tries in his own way to be a H. There are days when I am ok and then there are days when I think, "OMG. What AM i doing here. This pain will never go away".
Allow yourself to feel your hurt, pain, grief. You seem like you are usually a 'half glass full' kinda of person, so I dont think its so bad to allow yourself some grieving time, when a trigger hits. And the anniversary is a huge one.
Your W seems to be responding to your low; I guess she has to relearn how to love you or rather relearn how to show you her love - because your expectations have naturally changed.
However,sometimes it doesnt matter what she does - it wont take away every pain - no because she didnt make that effort, but because thats something you will have to overcome on your own, KWIM?
Hope this makes sense.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
Hang in there. It will get better.
The best advice will come from someone who gets it. That is why this place is so handy. We all "get it."
Those O.K. days are pretty nice. Those days of "what am I doing here" not so nice. I wish we could all just have the O.K. days.
Your D-day is recent. Your H does not understand why you think you may never get over it. It is amazing how the WS all say this. They seem to think we want to be unhappy! They forget that we did not sign up for the unhappy ride. They put us on it.
You called me chicken! Ouch! The challenge has been made. I will have to ponder my next move.
Hugs to the tribe.
Sorry about that pg & barefoot comment. I was not thinking.
Miracle -- in my precise lawyer brain there is a difference between blind trust and complete trust. That's probably weird. To me, complete trust involves asking some questions when things look or feel fishy -- and knowing that you're either going to get a truthful answer or you're going to be able to tell you're not getting a truthful answer, call bull on it and then get a truthful answer. Blind trust is more of a that's weird but I'm sure everything is OK kind of thing. It's giving too much of the benefit of the doubt when things just don't add up.
Tryn -- divorce does help you to move on in a different and more complete way. I've been divorced nearly 10 years now and I thought of my XH a lot the first three and then hardly ever until recently. There's nothing like one marriage on the rocks to make you ponder the other one that completely failed.
Well -- y'all will gasp but yes, it's going to be St. Patrick's Day. You can ASK for a day -- but you get what they give you and it needs to be that week. I'm totally ok with it. WH had the good grace to blush profusely and know the Karma bus had hit him when I gave him the news. I did make sure to tell him that I'd asked for a different day but they just didn't have it.
Now, I have to find out if I can have any painkillers -- there is a good chance I'm going to have to go 100% natural. Man, I hope not. I am not stoic at all. Last time I was bawling "Where's my stork!? I don't want to do this!" and I had an epidural ...
njgal: thanks for the book ref...i will give it a try...
I cant just "get over it" now that he is faithful and more of H and F then he ever was. I cant just smile and move on, even though he tries in his own way to be a H
it amazes me sometimes when i think about it, he has for the most part become the man i always wanted him to be...with one huge huge exception....he is still a liar....and then of course i would have to have some amnesia to forget all that he has done, and an even bigger dose of amnesia to forget all that he has done since d-day concerning stepping up and finally becomming a man of integrity....NOT
allgood: was he your "only"?
dip: so you consider this a challenge....uh oh...
you keep pondering my friend...i look forward to what that produces....
o.k. this is what you gotta do...walk, walk, walk...have sex do all things possible to induce yourself....and then do it all again and hopefully you will go earlier and she will have a day marked by happiness and not some old memories...and if it does not work then we need the perspective of this baby and you are TAKING THE DAMNED DAY BACK... ...and restoring it to a happy day to rejoice in your new little girl and celebrate the day instead of using the day as a grieving day....and you are so damned nice, that disposition should serve you well on this....
as for the trust thing....yes i could understand the difference between blind trust and complete trust....like so many attributes there are so many levels to it....
and i am sending a prayer for lots of pain stuff...and a super duper fast delivery....
I've got no problem with it being that day. It kind of tickles my funny bone in a cynical way -- the karma bus is coming to town! WH needs to spend some time thinking about the straight up FACT that the way he treats me is the way she will most likely allow some man to treat her someday.
Pg & barefooted lawyer? I don't think I have ever seen that before.
I'm glad you are o.k. with the B-day. If that happens, Karma is kicking your H in the ass.
That was a good explaination of a sociopath you gave on that other thread. I am dealing with one of those. He thinks rules do not apply to him. Very slick and able to manipulate others easily. Harder to deal with that my boarderline W. The sociopath has no conscience.
Looking foward to it? Now you are really putting the pressure on. I guess I need to ponder on this some more.