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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant... I really kinda knew what you meant... My mom and I have these debates all the time about inner city kids... They are raised with no father around.. brothers and sisters from different fathers or mothers.. not really a normal family... un-educated parents taking drugs... What do these kids learn? I say the schools teach these kids right from wrong and they really know what they need to do in life to pick themselve up... At some point they make a bad decision... They deserve the consequences... to the endless cycle of failure. My mom say the home life is too strong... give them a break... So maybe some of my mom wore off on me... I have given my W a second chance... 100% effort.

you ever gonna give your H a second chance?

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:30 PM, February 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I really kinda knew what you meant

lookin for another debate... ...or to avoid one..


What do these kids learn? I say the schools teach these kids right from wrong and they really know what they need to do in life to pick themselve up..

disagree veheemently on this...schools are not morally responsible for our kids...


you ever gonna give your H a second chance?

he had a second chance and even a third....he blew them both....

he is still a liar...will never get past that one...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

You are pondering that one? I can't wait to hear the results of your pondering.

Does the fact that I put a smile on your face make you insane? I doubt it. Maybe a little warped, bent, nutty, or sick, but not certified insane. You often make me laugh. Even when you are not trying to.

I was surprised that you did not comment of the quote I posted about the lack of justice for us BSs. I thought it was a profound statement.

Inter city kids. In the totally gang dominated areas, I do not see how these kids ever find the right path. They are up against so much crap that the odds are stacked against them. It takes a strong kid with much support to ever come out of those places normal.

I think I will go and ponder about a thing or two.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everybody in my fave thread !!!

Sooo school started this last Tuesday and was just orenitation crap real school starts this Monday ...

I posted in O/T bout my new study nest and then posted in D/S bout finally going to hire a lawyer ...

anyway not a lot of new stuff to report ... just checking in ... missed ya'll this week ...

(((hugs to ya'll)))


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

was surprised that you did not comment of the quote I posted about the lack of justice for us BSs. I thought it was a profound statement.

i wholeheartedly agree since you asked...i had seen that thread, and i knew way back when this all began that pfm can never ever know the pain of this....i could have sex, fall in love and leave him and he still would never know this devastation....and promptly told him so then and now whenever i feel the need to remind him of my pain....

it is not only profound but sadly true....

just as long ago i knew i would never have an ra, i have no issue having an affair at this point but it would not be for revenge...i deserve some happiness is all...i have and am sacrificing quite a bit for my kids, i do not think i need to sacrifice everything...


as for the pondering... ...well i am still at it..


booger: are you excited to be starting classes? you need to keep us posted....i check on you from time to time, you seem to post quite alot in f&g, which happens to be my second favorite forum....you sound good, really good...from inside...i know the pain is there, but you are moving through it and that is awesome...as are you...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:35 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awww thanks (((iwant)))

I can't believe your strength in dealing with pfm ... I do not know where you get it and I fully believe you deserve every happiness ...

you really do provide me great strength and hope ... I think about you all the time ... specially when things are going ok, not just when things suck ...

I always wanna here what you have to say to me ... more so now in the good/ok times than just the sad/bad ones ...

please take great pride in you and who you are and your strength it truly is amazing and you will be rewarded for it ... whether by the karma bus for pfm or karma for your own happiness ...

I wish all the best for you sweetie you are my inspiration even tho our stories are not even close to the same ...

and I am soooo excited for school ... after the first three days and hearing stories from past students about how hard pharmocolgy math is I am getting nervous for that ... I hate math and do not do very well in it ...

but I think I will get thru ok ... I hope

and I love F & G !!! it has been as healing or more so than the other forums on here ... it helps soooo much to laugh ... and yet still get support and understanding at the same time from others who get my weird and very scary sense of humor these days ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 11:39 PM, February 19th (Friday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks booger your words touch me...

and i agree with the f&g forum, the humor is so healing in itself and very cathartic....and there are a really good bunch of people in there on a regular basis...

and i also believe you will do fine in your classes...i am happy that you are excited....you almost sound giddy with the excitment and that is truly inspiring and just like when lovin posts a breath of fresh air...

you go girl..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:12 AM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lololol ...

I am going with the head bob and the finger snap in the "z" formation ...

teehee I am a dork ... and I am kinda giddy I guess ... it's a weird feeling I do not member the last time I felt this way ...

Hmmm ... feels wierd I almost feel guilty for feeling it ... kinda like I am cheating on the M, KWIM ???

like I should be sad and depressed, grieving, crying ect for the M ???

like when someone is laughing or appears happy at someone's passing ???

does that make sense, or just sound crazy ? I have been hiding out since mid November 09 ... avoiding the public and all the happiness that is in the public ...

trying to heal and prepare myself to be out in the real world again, and it feels really good to be back out there ... but I feel guilty somehow ... why is that ???

I know I deserve this and I should not feel that ... but I do it is like a blackness hovering around everything good I am feeling now ...

oh I don't know just rambling ... slept late today as we did not have school today, and have been just thinking and going back over my week and all my feelings ...

confused ... just wish I could feel it and enjoy it without this stupid blakness lurking ... right now I am absolutely not letting it invade my new space, but just don't know how to deal with it or what to do with it ...

I am afraid if I ignore it it will ambush me and mess with my head affecting my school ... KWIM ???


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger: it seems like you are afraid to just let it go and enjoy it...kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop....

i hope you drop the guilt instead.....there is nothing to feel guilty about....you don't have to hide your head in the sand....you are young and so vivacious....and i love the finger snap....so snap away, and make sure the head gets turned up to the side with it too...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger.

It is good to hear that you are excited about your new direction. Math can suck. Just remember that math is a system of rules. Remembering those rules and figuring out how to apply them is the key.

It sounds like you are grieving. When you suffer through the death of a person close to you, there is a time frame where you do not want to laugh or have fun. It makes you feel guilty and disrespectful. I think this "blackness" that you are feeling is sorta of the same type of emotion as grieving a death. It will get better with time. You do deserve to enjoy your new life and keep us posted.

miracle.

I was wondering when you are going to post the picture of the carved angel that the handsome stranger gave to you at the mall? Did you ever come up with the hidden meaning about that?

Thanks for your reply about the justice thing. Yes you do deserve happiness.

I'm still pondering about all this profound stuff too.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I missed so much in such a short time.

-- I'm excited to hear about the prom dress; that is so awesome. Makes me excited for you both.

She can't do ANYTHING to make it even

I wanted to comment on all of this. It's really true. And I think it's why sometimes its hard for a BS to believe that a WS is truly remorseful even when they really truly are. Because they're just *never* going to get the pain they caused. They just won't. At least not in this life. You feel it for them in this life, and they'll feel it in the next. Really -- think about it; you're feeling all this pain and **you didn't do ANYTHING!**

Actually, that was the very first thing I yelled at my WH (and I never, ever yell at him): What have I EVER done to you other than love you, and care for you and bear your children and make a beautiful home and a nice family for us?!

So, yeah. They don't get it, they won't get it, it's not fair -- but I would MUCH rather be the person who DOES get it and CAN feel it than the one who cannot.

How do the inner city kids make it? Well, I think at BEST they only sort of make it. Or it takes a long, long time. My parents were inner city kids, mom had a poor single mom and dad lived in the projects with unemployed parents and 7 siblings. I think my Dad mostly pulled past it -- by attending 5 years of intensive group therapy and relgiously taking anti-depressants and I'd say he really got it togther when he was about 55? Mom's still a mess. At the end of the day though, when you talk about "breaking the cycle" it takes time. If WH and I keep up IC, go to MC, and work hard at it then we'll be breaking the cycle for our kids -- but his parents were raised inner city too and believe me both he and I have experienced the effects of that even though our parents are smart people who made it into the suburbs.

Ah, what else? Spoke to IC yesterday. She totally agrees with me that OW will be back and fishing around St. Patrick's Day (they ALWAYS went out that day, plus baby is due.)

We also spoke about how I really SHOULD have known (not a blame thing, don't take it that way.) I'm betting if I told WH when I thought they were together I would be able to pick out EVERY time. I think I shoved it down out of some sense of denial because I was so sick and so unable to process it and I had no proof. Even when I told my closest friend what I thought was going on she thought I was NUTS to even consider the possibility.

So -- anyway I'm going to have a talk with WH about what I want him to do when she breaks NC, because it's coming. Basically I'm going to tell him to let it go to voice mail if she calls, forward it to me w/o reading if she e-mails, etc and I'll deal with her for him. I just want him to know I'm not going to be mad at him or blame him if she comes fishing. and that I don't expect him to magically overcome something that has been a temptation for him without help -- that I'll protect him from her and from himself if that's what he needs right now to help him stay on this R path that he says and acts like he wants to be on.

Plus -- can you imagine her shock when she finds out she's got to deal with me instead? I'll whip out my momma's inner-city "don't mess with my man" routine on her! If you've never seen one of THOSE go down, it's quite a show.

Oh, and I'm also planning on scheduling an induction and making sure I'm having the baby that day. It might be a *little* harder to sneak off with OW in the future on his little girl's birthday (I am just DIABOLICAL!)

Oh, and here's my peeved statement of the day: WH came home last night and said Tiger Woods had "grown a vag." Nice. If you ever want an illustration of how a WS will never, never get how a BS feels that's a good one right there!

Still, he's mostly sweet. He did something quite thoughtful -- he overheard my 8 yo DS lobbying me to rent the beach house WH and OW hooked up in while I was at the store again for this summer and after I was done explaining that we were going to a different house with different friends and DS walked off WH rushed over to make sure I was OK. And I was! Really. I must be tougher than I thought. Actually, it upset WH more than me. I'm glad it upset him -- it should. I think that's the first time he's heard DS pining for his friends.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.

Your H said that about Tiger? I don't know what to say. Wow!

Diabolical!! Yes you are. That is hard core.

We get all this pain for a trip we did not sign up for. As you said, we did not do anything. It is a wonder the we BSs are not crazy, I mean crazier that what we are.

Maybe the incident with your DS will help your H start to see just how far and deep the hurt from his actions has gone.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: still do not know how to do the picture thing on the pc...and when i have time i am too busy reading here...

the meaning: i take it as a sign that the angels are with me, i do ask for them daily, always have....

you know that ssaying being careful what you wish for...well for years prior to d-day i would pray to the angels, to god and to the spirits to make pfm see what he was doing, what he was giving up with this kids...to see what his foo were really like.....well i got that prayer answered just after d-day, but now i see alot myself....i see who he really was and who he never was....

be careful what you wish for...

i think i ponderred enough today.... ...it really is quite taxing..

I'm going to have a talk with WH about what I want him to do when she breaks NC, because it's coming.

i think this is a good idea...let him know exactly what you expect...as far as answering her....i would tread lightly...sometimes letting it go, ignoring her might be the best option, of course that is after you let her know that your husband forwarded her whatever to you and will always forward it to you ...so get a life and stay out of your and your husbands...end of convo...


i hope you are joking about when to have the baby...its funny but yet its not....


what your husband said about tiger, well its just


what he did when your ds talked about the beach house was cool...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that my wife is not doing all she should be doing... I just don't feel deep inside, I am the man for her. This is stuff think about when I run, power walk.. driving. Often I can drive it out of my head... It's the negative self thoughts that damage a R....

my door is open for the d... why cannot I close it? Why do I think about her years of infidelity... why?

I'm just so darn tired of it.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I just don't feel deep inside, I am the man for her.

please explain why you feel this way?....

(((tryn)))

as for the d...you are way not ready for tht step....you have lots of unfinished business with this woman...and more importantly you totally love her with your heart and soul...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tryn))) I understand how your feeling ... never thought I would be here ... none of us did ... I wish this whole process was as easy for me as it was for him to have an A ... why do we gotta be the ones who care ...

I wish to you the strength to find the path for you and the courage to walk down it with confidence ...

(((m33)))

WOW !!! the tiger comment blew me away ...

and I am soooo excited for the baby ...

(((dip)))

I read your receipe for the root beer float in F&G and all I can say is

(((iwant))) I am soooo happy Moo was there for your dd ... wow that made my eyes cross


not looking forward to my math class ...

so I am all prepped for morrow ... finally figured out the ironing thing bag is all packed now just waiting for sleepy time ... ho hum


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn- I feel the same way. (I'm a runner too & this is when I think of these things too. - I was actually crying while running the other day.) Anyway, with me, I think that I'm now hypersensitive to everything having to do with my husband, myself & our marriage. That's why I'm not making any big decisions now, even tho the logical part of me is screaming to cut bait & run. I think it's the damage from the A - I just keep thinking that obviously I wasn't enough, or something was missing. I keep thinking that if I was "the one" for him, he would've ended the lta before I caught him. And maybe the reasons he's given for why he believed he had an A are not really all that's there. Maybe it's just harder to say the other person was a lot of fun and you're not. Hopefully time will heal, until then, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger, while waiting for my daughter and moo, btw they are still working on that problem together, god bless moo...i read your ironing thread...thank you for taht laugh...you are pricelss....in the middle of all this math crap i enjoyed reading that thread...

good for you being able to count on your dad...

good luck tomorrow...i hope your teachers/professors are good and the fellow students are gooe people...keep us posted...

gotta go back and check on dd and moo now..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

wow, i could have written almost your entire post, even the crying while running, only substitute power walking in its stead.....that is exactly what i did this a.m.....i allowed my mind to go to that dark place,...i shook it out (kind of like a dog)....literally...the people where i walk if were watching would have though i was inflicted with something either that or channeling a dog coming out of a bath ....

it really sucks when we let our minds wander to the dark side...need to keep the lights on... ...we are amazing people...and its our ws's that have the issues....our only fault is that we picked the wrong people to love....sadly....

i want a do-over!!!

oh, cancel that, if i have a do-over that means i would have to give up my kids....cancel do-over....i want a start-over anew...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. Why do I feel like that?

Fears… still some resentment…

I still feel rejected feelings…sorry for my own self. I still have those, “I was taken advantage of thoughts”… She took advantage of all the good things about me… My loyalty, my strength of commitment, my strong trusting soul… my dedication to family... and my drive to make my family.. Comfortable.

It is still about the sex, the romance… I still have bitterness that pops up. I still resent the fact she hid, and I think about how she enjoyed those feelings of lust, when I sacrificed and didn’t have those feelings… for our relationship and not every wanting to hurt. I have this passionate lust deep inside myself, I want to have some sort of physical relationship with a woman, other them my wife. I want to know what that feels like again after not having it for 27 years. I have feelings of being the OM, making love to my wife in his office… What hell is that about? I don’t like it, but it happens.

Right now, I am communicating to my wife in a loving way, softly… I need something… I need more romantic things from her.. Initiation, show me she really wants and desires me… She is trying… but the things I want or vision, just don’t always happen as I wish naturally… Her romance is in small amounts, not near enough... I have always been the one to do these things… So, I try to accept what she is giving… I have been slowing telling her in loving ways what I think I want, at the time she does them.. I’m good… it feels good… but I need more and more in hopes this stops those triggers…

and you know what, I miss that proud feeling I had for my wife… it just isn’t there…

I still have not so good thoughts, as she talks about the new men in her life at her work.. I wonder if she is going to be loyalty to me… Will she fall in lust with one of them? That unconditional feeling is gone… but I think I should have it in the best relationship. It's unrealistic perhaps. I have all these feeling, even though things are much different now vs. when she was having the A… you know those A things, the frequent “business” phone calls to OM, the extra time after work… all day shopping trips don’t happen any more.. Of which, I still beat myself up over not have boundaries that allowed stuff like this to go on with my wife.

I feel we are not on the same page with our future… Material things are just not important to me right now.. I just want to take in a waterfall… watch a bird… I want to move out of this house… I want to live somewhere new.. She missed/misses her family.. I love them.. enjoy them… but I don’t miss them…and didn’t….


Allgoodnamesgone… Yes.. hypersensitive is a good word for me… this too… obviously I wasn't enough, or something was missing….


And I am giving my wife a real 2nd chance.. yes.. I have this in my mind “wander to the dark side”… I am good now at changing those thoughts when they pop in my mind… but I cannot control my mind from these things popping up.. It just happens… the triggers... Last night when I posted… I just let them get a piece of me… hurt me… maybe it’s because my 25th anniversary is coming up… and knowing 9 of those years she made love to another men…in secret. horrible thoughts huh? See what I mean.

Thanks bb… It must be exciting for you right now.. Good luck and work hard.. your new life is going to be great.

Oh well… Off to the wonderful land of many lakes

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:13 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]


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