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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks dip. And I hope everyone here has the Valentines Day that they would choose for themselves. Hugs to all of you. (((((Tribe)))))

As for me, I did the meal last night – I don’t think FWH realised it was a special do. Anyways, I did scallops on a mint pea puree, lambs leaves with balsamic vinegar dressing followed by duck pan fried with orange and honey sauce, celeriac mash (without the celeriac – I forgot it! ) and sauteed savoy cabbage. Home made vanilla crème brulee to finish. We had cava rather than champagne – I thought that was a bit too much. I bought some tulips, but they wilted in the heat over the fire! LOL

Enjoy the weekend.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WoW! UKgirl... that's some menu. It reads like a very upscale restaurant and is far more than I have ever attempted! Do you cook like this all the time that he would not recognize the special meal?

Meals here have been less that stellular for quite some time. I'm no Julia Child and "Martha Stewart doesn't live here". We are invited out to a longtime family friend's for dinner tomorrow. I didn't realize it was V-Day when I accepted the invitation. We were too involved in dealing with s-i-l's passing.

Good weekend to all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thankyou dip...happy v-day to you too....

You think I was just trying to make you spell this out for me? You think I could be that mean?

no, never mean....but definitely mischevious...

ukgirl: what is celeriac?...and considering this was the main ingred, how did the dish come out?

lostsoul: its good to hear from you..


((((((tribe))))))

i hope tomorrow is better then o.k. for all of you....i will probably be checkin in if my kids are couch potatos...they are my valentines.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Celeriac is a root vegetable which you can eat raw or cooked. Looks like a turnip but tastes like mild celery. So it was to flavour the potato. Didn’t matter really. We just had creamy mash.

As for today, I’m not sure what to do. H has booked our local Michelin starred restaurant. Fuckity fuck. I don’t want to go. He said he’d already paid. We never DID VDay. A passing acknowledgement, that’s all. A soppy romantic day for all the soppy romantics out there. Which turned out to be him and MOW. I booked the surgery last year so I wouldn’t have this shit. I thought if I kept quiet, he’d get the hint. And I was quite happy that he was going to be away tonight, suited me fine. Fuck. What can I say? That this was their day, that something significant happened for them on this day and while I recognise that, I actually don’t want to know what any of it was about? I could scream.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ukgirl))))))

take a deep breath....and maybe this is the start of claiming everything back that should have been yours all along.....at least he seems to be trying.....lets make a deal...you won't let his assholeness win as much as i wont let pfm's assholeness win.....and you know he really did have to do something to acknowledge this day FOR YOU.....

no more running uk, time to take a breath and reclaim....

and i will be thinking of you today.....i will check in again later i am sure....

today for me is really just about my kids.....someday it will be more then that, but for now its about my kids....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, i have an update on that boy:

he is home from the hospital, he is on blood thinners, and will probably be on them for 3-6 months, until the clot is no more....tis a long road, but thankfully it looks like a very doable road....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY LTA TRIBE....

My H and I have exchanged cards and are going to hang out with some friends later today. We never buy for each other and truthfully we just bought a new RV, and that is all we need!

We planned on camping this weekend but snow kept us home, didn't want to chance wrecking the new RV! So instead we took a LONG ride yesterday to the area we would have camped at. We went in Antique stores, the Harley store and a couple of little bars in town! It was fun to just hang out together and do nothing special!

Looked ahead to next weekend and I think, I hope that it might be dry... so we are planning on pulling our Rv and camping!! We are so looking forward to this. We need to make this new Rv ours and the weather just hasn't been very cooperative!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today! Sharing and showing love doesn't just have to be between spouses! My H and I actually bought a gift(his idea), for our DD! She has been working extremely hard to lose weight and she has lost 33lb's so far. She has been wanting a "George Forman Grill" and thats what we got her... one with removable grills so it's easier to clean!! I am so proud of my DD and my H!

So with my DD going back to the gym, I have done the same! We have started going to Zumba classes... kind of a latin dance type of class. You move for an entire hour! I think I am in love... who knew that I would enjoy this as much as I do.
We are also doing cardio about 5 days a week for me and then a little strength training! It makes me feel good, tired but good! And I am down 15 lb's too!!! Slow and steady for me, but DD graduates in May and has plans with 5 other girls to go to Cancun!! Youth is wonderful!!

I haven't been around much. Working and then doing the gym daily during the week. Taking Zumba, house stuff, and still taking care of my Dad, and there just aren't enough hours in the day! But I think about you all often!

Love ya's


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. Wish me luck. Time to go.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in after dinner at a friend's... nice evg with m-i-l and some mutual friends. Strange V-day for us... not really a celebration imho... maybe it's just the aftermath of so much emotional stress of s-i-l's passing. Hopefully this has drawn us together not set us back but I have a feeling of dread... my triggering and insecurity are bombarding me despite best efforts to dispel the feelings and be positive.

Hope you took back VDay Ukg!

Tomorrow is another day... a government holiday so there is a long wkend each month of the year in Canada. FWH is working anyway... busy time for him. I'm looking forward to GS#1's 1st bday in March. Got a great seat sale so I can be there for the special day. We did produce beautiful kids who have given us grandsons to treasure and love. They are the light of my life regardless of anything else that happens.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl...I hope you had a nice time at dinner.
I used to be like you...never really acknowledged V day...I was very low maintenance in terms of demands...well, no more.
I've changed my mind about Valentines Day.... what's wrong with having a day that celebrates love? A day that encourages our spouses to think about us and work a little bit at trying to be thoughtful, kind, loving?

Our husbands had LTAs....that stinks..but I agree with the others....it's time for us to take back some of the things we have lost...and maybe create new traditions, new marriages.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsuol, the one thing that makes me glad I m’d H is my children. Our children. He was a great dad when they were little. Not very practical, but a great fun dad. Crap during the affair, but let’s not go there. I look at them and KNOW I did something right.
It’s a sad time after a funeral. You’ve said goodbye and it’s often just kind of empty. Hugs hon.

Last night's dinner was okay, although it felt very fake. Fake interest in conversation, fake smiles, fake clinking of glasses. There were three menus to choose from – I went for the cheapest. And asked for a light red wine rather than champagne. The food was very good. We’ve been there before. Although we’ve probably more in the last three years than the previous 15! It is very, very expensive. He made no mention of it being Valentines, no card or anything. But it screwed me up because we never did it before! Never!! I can remember buying him a VDay card during the A and it just stayed on the kitchen table until I threw it out and thought “shan’t bother again”.

It was a big deal day for them and this giving it to me makes me a) want to throw up – literally, and b) want to know just what it was that made it significant for them in the first place. It has to be some sort of anniversary. One of his texts to her referred to 1,580 days and when I tracked it back it went back to….. you guessed, Valentines Day. Part of me wants to know, the other part says let it go. I can’t see it ever being a day for us in the future. Be about as appropriate as celebrating the dday antiversary.

I think I will find some other day – I was thinking spring bank holiday or something. The time of year when spring is turning into summer and everything is fresh and new and full of hope. This year it falls on 31st May. What do you think?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:46 AM, February 15th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to the movie... It's Complicated
another flick where A's are glorified and justified by Hollywood... even the actor therapists says it's OK... Yep, it's ok to allow Meryl Streep's x-H to hurt his current W... during the movie, sometimes I just closed my eyes and thought about a few very pleasurable periods of my life.

oh well... off with life.


[This message edited by trynhard at 8:05 AM, February 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry UK girl.. I didn't realize that your husband is continuing to be so unromantic towards you... that must be very difficult for you...especially if it appears as if he was not this cold, distant person with the OW.
My husband is the opposite..he has always been a bit of a romantic... with flowers and gifts etc. and now he goes really overboard with all of that stuff for me! And...by what he says..and by all indications and evidence (like all the emails..) he was not that way at all with the OW.
They really made a deal with the devil at the out set of the affair ..that it would be all about sick, kinky sex... and most if not all of the emails reflect that attitude.

Why do you think your husband completely avoided mentioning that it was V-day?
Does he use terms of endearment with you now?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much everyone - you guys have been soo supportive! I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of advice, but I take bits and pieces from all of your stories and try to hold on to hope. I realized this weekend that I am truly here just for the kids and I am not sure I even want him to be my KISA anymore...


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: even though it wasn't "perfect" as "perfect" can be because of the significance, i am glad that it wasn't terrible....alot of the "fake" may be stress, stress that you put onto the day and what it symbolized....the next time it should be a little easier....and i think this spring day sounds wonderful...i get the feeling that you are trying to find your own "special" day...since he had one with "her" it would seem logical that there should be one with you....i don't put a whole lot of gravity into a day....to me its whats done on all of the other days that count....does he treat you with dignity and respect, is he loving at all times, is he warm with you, is he considerate of you, is he giving of himself...etc...

a day is just a day...and in comparison timewise, is the rest of the days which lead into weeks and into months are they up to "snuff".....


lostsoul: i am happy that your dinner went well, or at least as well as it could have....and i am sorry to hear that you are waiting for the other shoe to drop....what if it never drops....why worry about that that you have no control over, you have a plan in place, you know what to look for...maybe you can start by living in the moment, in the present...and worry about tomorrow if and when it comes...it might make life more bearable....

i can't believe its been a year for your gs...but then again time does seem to fly again.....it didn't use to....at one point it dragged on...almost felt like it stood still, yet there was so much to absorb for me....i still don't think i have absorbed all there is of what i know anyways....and i am trying not to dwell there anymore....so much easier said then done, but i am trying....


njgal: you sound content....like you have found a place within where you are dealing, coping and going beyond just surviving...and that is wonderful...


lovin: good to hear from you as always....whenever i see your name i just know i will be able to just "breathe" it in....i look forward to that very much

tryn: i am so glad that you worked your way through the triggers in the movie...i hope some day you won't suffer from these triggers anymore....and i am even happier that you knew what the movie was about and "chose" to go anyway and work through it...it is part of reclaiming your life so good for you

broken: do not worry about having words for us, you are still raw and knowing that you are thinking of us is enough.....sometimes even when we aren't raw there are just no words...and thats when hugs are wonderful...always welcome by all of us...

I realized this weekend that I am truly here just for the kids and I am not sure I even want him to be my KISA anymore...

2 things i think: i don't believe that you are certain with this decision and giving someone that title "kisa" is giving them this huge expectation within you....he is just a man....and unfortunately he is a man who is afraid to face all that he needs to face.....and instead is choosing to live within his own fears....which is probably one of the reasons he doesn't want to go for help....he doesn't and can't do the unknown...even though the known route he is taking is not working for him he believes it eventually will, because it is all he knows....sometimes looking really hard at oneself is scarier then anything else in the world....seeing who you have become and what exactly you have done to another is a hard thing to have to swallow, especially for people who live with the "ego" which determines all that they do....

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I had my reality/fantasy V day. The problem is my fantasy did not involve taking care of a woman with a nasty stomach virus. It was not a fun day. Worse for her than me. I really did not want to be around her. At least it was not cancer, blood clots, or something else that is life threatning.

I did buy her a gift. I was right, it did piss her off. She was serious about not wanting anything.

UKgirl.

Sounds like you cooked a nice meal. To bad he did not notice. I hope now that V day is past that you are feeling a little better. I always got my W a card and gift. She did for me too. My V day memories are not as bad as yours. I do sometimes wish I would have never went to the trouble of acknowledging V day. It did not seem to matter much did it?

I think that celebrating on a different day would be a great idea for you. Late spring is such a nice season. I hope he helps to make that change worthwile for you.

miracle.

I do have to say that while reading your fantasy/reality explanation, I was starting to worry a bit. This board seems to be X rated at times. I was scared you were headed for the XXX rated stuff, and I would get in trouble for asking for the explaination.

That is very good news about the boy.

lostsuol.

I hope today is better. Any type of "holiday" sucks when it is so close to a death.

tryn.

Did you know what that movie was about before you went?

broken.

You are having a hard time right now. Don't worry about not having advice to give out. That will come at a later date. I think your H will need to make some major changes before he can be classified as a KISA. Was there any specific thing that happen this weekend that made you realize that you are just there for the kids? Hang in there and please keep us informed.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: i am so sorry your wife was so sick....that just sucks...yes its great that it is not a life altering sickness, but it still sucked for the moment...and thankfully the moment is passed...

so she was pissed about the gift....still think you did right...better to be pissed about doing for then be pissed about not....

and i am glad that you were happy that the explanation was kept clean...didn't want get myself all in a dither over it... ....i tried really hard to think of a sappy romance novel and walla....the horse.. ....but i think you got the jist of what i meant...no ...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Valentine's Day *was* a special day for us as it is the Anniversary of him asking me to be his girlfriend in 1996 and so we always celebrated as an anniversary. However, he didn't even aknowledge that the day might be hard for me. Not even an I'm sorry when I was visibly sad... he sux!!

But, mostly, I am feeling this way because of how he really doesn't show any true remorse (hasn't thanked me for staying, doesn't apologize everyday or when I am sad) and isn't really trying to make things better for me. He just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move forward... He says that by him throwing her away when I found out should show me that he didn't really want her and he wants to be with me. However, there is still no intimacy unless I initiate and he never brings up the A unless I do and then we fight...


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken.

I'm sorry to hear that he was that way. Especially since that day had extra meaning for you. He is so selfish and a Bozo! You are going to have a hard time if he shows no remorse. My W is but very ashamed and remorsful. That does help.

Think hard about your next move. There are good arguments on both sides about staying just for the children. You need to figure out if you can put up with him. You have indicated that he does not take much responsibility with your kids. Can you put up with that, along with his know it all attitude? I really feel for you. Trying to handle a grown baby while caring for twin babies must be hard.

miracle.

V day did suck. I am pissed that I had to endure all that pre V day crap and then end up with a day like that. O well, now she owes me big time. I was so glad I did not catch it, (yet).

She ordered me to not get her a gift. I did anyway. She is mad because I disobeyed a direct order. Isn't that the way marrage is supposed to work?

Well I was glad about the explanation being clean. If you would have made it any more detailed I probably would have been all in a, ummm, dither. Then I might have had to go clean out the closet.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken:

i speak from a short experience but experience nonetheless...i am staying in my marriage for kids....they are teeanagers, 2 with issues....1 has issues with academics and attitude and was a victim of his emotionally abusive dad...dad is working on rectifying this...the other is my dd17 who knows that her dad cheated...she doesn't want anything to do with him....if he leaves this relationship will more then likely never improve...and i don't want that for her.....

if my kids were little, i wouldn't hesitate to throw his ass out.....when they are little the adjustment is easy...kids are amazingly resillient....if even my teens were in a better place i would throw him out...but they are not and i am their mother first and foremost......


make sure you are ready for whatever decision you make....your babies are just babies so you do have time where your kids are concerned....

and do not stay just for your kids...the older they get the harder it would be to break up the so called family....


if you stay married do so for you and you alone.....

one thing for sure, if he cannot be the man he needs to be now he probably never will....in the face of losing you he seems to believe he doesn't have to really work for it....and marriage is work all the time, at least marriages that are solid....


and your husbands reaction to v-day totally sucked, and i am so sorry....

it amazes me how much we really want these ws's to step up for us...if only they would learn to say the words we long to hear, to be honest with us....and of course the honesty would be filled with the answers we crave to make sense of it all....an honesty to help heal....an honesty that makes us feel the priority....and of course the absolute reassurance to tell us that not only will this never happen again but its incomprehensible that it happened in the first place....and then hopefully god would grant us the gift of forgetfulness.....to be able to forget that which hurts us beyond all reason....and then tinkerbell could come out and we could live happily ever after....but unfortunately for some of us.....we are stuck with assholes....and no one ever taught these assholes how to wipe it up....

its called shit etiquette 101....

a thought for a new book:


taking care of your shit for dummies....

except i am sure they would be even too stupid to buy it and read it because .....they probably believe their shit don't stink......

dip:

She ordered me to not get her a gift. I did anyway. She is mad because I disobeyed a direct order. Isn't that the way marrage is supposed to work?


how could you disobey a direct order?

if only i had that kind of power....

ever....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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