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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the matter? What's triggering you?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

too many things to count....

i feel so much pain this weekend...too much...

too much...

thanks for asking though....i just dont have it in me right now to talk about it...need to go within...need to let it out....and then i hope to let it go....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have some hugs then.

(((((miracle)))))

And a


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel utterly hopeless right now. We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of D day and I am sinking. I have come to realize that he has destroyed every hope I ever had about the future- not just with the A but with his selfish choices for years before this. 10 years with no steady income from him while he pursued his "dream" has driven us to the edge of bankruptcy. My only real "dream" when we got married was stability- to not live paycheck to paycheck, picking and choosing which bills to pay like my parents always did. And his choices have made that happen. I have spent 10 years making it work in spite of him-even working 2 jobs, only to have him cheat because I wasn't supportive enough. Now that he "sees" the error of his ways and is changing I think its too late. And sadly, I do love him. If he hadn't fucked it up and had the affair I probably would have "made it work" for the rest of our lives. But why? Why should I now? Snowed in and having way too much time to think right now.


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: sorry about your colts..maybe next year...

ukgirl: thankyou for the hugs...they were well felt...and still are...


sail:

only to have him cheat because I wasn't supportive enough.

this is not true, it is a false belief....his affair has nothing to do with you....NOTHING...his affair has to do with his insecurities, his issues, his lack of faithfulness, his lack of judgement, his lack of SUPPORTING YOU...so please do not help him in his justification of that that cannot be justified....you have absolutely nothing to do with his inadeqacies.....am i clear....

I probably would have "made it work" for the rest of our lives.

because you loved him and that is what love is....btdt...

But why? Why should I now?

only you can answer this one....you could only go by what he has done since d-day, and then you need to decide for you what you can and cannot live with....you need to decide for you if you can accept and forgive....acceptance of what he's done is necessary...and i dont mean to accept that he had a right to do it, or that it is o.k....just accept that that you cannot change....fully accept that it was, and fully accept all that went with it at the time...we cannot change the past, we can only live in the now and plan for the future.....

only you can decide, only you walk in your shoes.....


((((sailaway))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:30 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 11:31 PM, February 7th (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((booger)))))

listen your life is far from over, you are embarking on a new adventure...and you never know what the future will hold....children are not a part of your life now, but that does not mean that at some point in the future that can't change....you can do anything you set your mind too.....once you are settled with your career or even before, there are a million ways to have children in your life.....so it may not be now, but it can be later....


(((booger))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading and hearing how many spouses cheat, I look at couples and wonder if one of them is a cheater. Yesterday while we were in church, I started looking around and wondered how many cheaters were sitting there pretending...I wondered what would happen if I walked to the podium and asked for all the cheaters to stand up. I imagine 3/4s would be guilty but no one would stand. I'd also probably get tossed out on my head. Just a thought.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cant:

i too wonder, i look at almost every single couple and wonder the sam thing....i have grown quite cynical.....

its amazing to me in how many aspects of oneself can be changed by a single event....no one died...but a relationship did die and not a natural death....and i supposed because its not a natural death it becomes life altering for those left behind...


but i a must say i would love to see all the cheater have to attone for their sins in "gods" house....could you just picture them sitting at the edge of their pews...waiting for the wrath of "god"...and then some lightning strikes.... ...oh i could go on and on...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle, hope you’re feeling brighter today. Those days do just drag you down, don’t they? Every time FWH goes away I have to go into this zone of “if he lies, he only lies to himself cos I don’t believe him anyway”.

There’s a scene in Sliding Doors when Gerry is with Lydia (the ex-gf & mistress) in a hotel and he is talking to Helen on the phone. Lydia stubs her toe and hops around the room. Gerry gets stressed and ends the call, telling Lydia that he is supposed to be alone. She then goes on about how she is trying to win him back, that they can re-board the train to continue their journey through life together, but she realises that is not going to happen. The times WH phoned me from a hotel room (which sometimes would be her house), pretending to be alone. I wonder if that scene was ever played out IRL for WH and MOW. And he can’t understand that almost every time he is away, I wonder.

And so I have to protect myself and go to this place where he can’t hurt me. He calls, he reassures, he reaffirms, but I have this mistrust now.

Although, if I take the stance of “if he lies, he only lies to himself”, I should cast the mistrust aspect to one side, thereby putting the onus on him to live up to his own standards and if he fails, then it is his failing by abusing the trust and not mine for giving it to him. I just wish I could live by what I know is the right way to be!!!!!

We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of D day and I am sinking.
Does your dday fall on a single day, or is it spread over a period of time? If it is a day or two, then it is a time for you to do something for yourself. Go out and get a mani or pedi. If it falls on a working day, use the evening for yourself. Open a small bottle of wine – just for you. Buy yourself some flowers. Do something you’ve been promising yourself for a while. Do something with a gf, or on your own. But plan for it. Then you won’t be filled with such dread.

only to have him cheat because I wasn't supportive enough. Now that he "sees" the error of his ways and is changing I think its too late. And sadly, I do love him. If he hadn't fucked it up and had the affair I probably would have "made it work" for the rest of our lives.
Now the first bit just isn’t true and you know that. The second sentence you could revise and say that at least he HAS recognised his flaws and is willing to change, and so late is better than never, isn’t it? Don’t be sad that you love him, know that you are a wonderful person because you know how to love – a lot of people don’t and they are the poorer for it. Now to that last sentence. This is the perfect opportunity for him to take the reins, man up and “make it work”. Ask him what he is going to do about it – he has trashed all you tried to do, so just what is he going to do to put things back on track?
(((((sailaway)))))

booger, I’m sorry you are still having to put up with that asshat stbxh. You do have a horrible situation and I can only hope that you will be able to close the book on that chapter in your life and open a new one with someone more deserving. I will say to you that sometimes you have to let one person go in order to find the one you should have in your life. You have your grieving to do, but try to deal with the practicalities. Take all your stbxh’s bad points (of which there are many, I’m sure!) and concentrate on them. Bottom line is, he is NOT a nice person and he is NOT treating you with dignity, respect, tolerance or kindness. Do not cry when you are dealing with him. It will make no difference to him now. You know the rules of the 180, do them for you. (((((BB)))))

I look at couples and wonder if one of them is a cheater.
I do this with couples I have known for years. Dreadful, isn’t it? And some, I just assume one has had or is having an affair. Sheesh. Infidelity. What a gift!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:39 PM, February 8th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Umm, I just read pfm's post..... Dunno what to say. Did he leave his brain behind?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

Damn. Sorry about that game. Strange stuff there. Ouch!

Another meaning of the turkeys. If there are a bunch of turkeys around, you better watch where you step.

I doubt you scared m33 and ejs5 away. You give very good and informative advice. If anybody ran them off it would be me. Not everyone can submit themselves to my rambling and incoherent writings.

Allgood.

I have never experienced your problem so I can't really give you much advice about your situation, but I do understand your feelings. The only way to know for sure is to go to one. It might not be as bad as you fear. I can see why you are afraid that this might be awkward for you. As for him feeling awkward. He did this. If he feels awkward, that is his fault.

UKgirl.

The lying by ommission is so much easier so it must not be the same. Their minds are so screwed up.

I did flat out ask her about a certain man ( call him Bill) she had been around. A friend had told me that Bill had been seeing someones W. He told me who and that he did not suspect my W was also involved with him but thought I should be notified about Bill. Anyway she denied any involvement with this guy. She was pretty pissed that I thought she would have anything to do with Bill. I did not think to ask if maybe she was screwing anybody else. On D-day #2 I immediatly asked if Bill was the one. She denied having anything to do with Bill several times before she finally did give me the name of OMM.

The point of that ramble is this. She got to lie by ommission. She did not have to say that she was not having a A. She just had to say that she was not having the A with Bill. I'm sure in her mind that was much easier.

miracle.

The first step to fixing a fixaholic is admiting your problem. You are on the way to a cure.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. You are taking on a lot of crap. Big hugs to you today.

sailaway.

Because you were not supportive enough? He is just making excuses for his dumb choices. One reason my W gave me was that I was not meeting her needs. Before Dday #2 she had seen the light and stopped all A activity. I had not changed. Had her needs changed? those WS's are so full of it. Hang in there and check back often.

Booger Bear.

I went back to school for awhile when I was in my forties. It is scary. You will do fine. It will help to get you mind on something else and maybe make some new friends.

cantbelieve.

I was at a shopping center a few days ago and saw some young couples walking around holding hands. I wondered which ones were future members of SI. It is sad that I thought of it that way, but cheating is so widespread you just know it is going to happen.

Tribe.

m334455 is going to have or perhaps has already had her baby. As a message board member I have never been in this situation before. Do we all get to be honorary aunts and uncles? Can I be honorary grampa? Grandpa Dipstick. That sounds nice. Makes me glad, again, I did not go with old dumbass as my name. Grandpa Dumbass does not sound as nice.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in a while, but sometimes I lurk. SI was a sore spot with WH and if I came to the site without erasing our internet history, a HUGE fight ensued....

Anyway,, I need help.

I want him to fail. I want him to contact her (or someone else) at this point, so I can say, "HA! See I gave you another chance and you blew it again!"
Then I would have a definitive reason to leave him while still being able to look my children in the eyes someday and say I tried everything....

Is this terrible??


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken: no, not terrible...you want a reason to just let it go...you want something tangible, an absolute reason because living the way you are living is not working....and hon...that really is all the reason you need....if you can't get past it and truly tried everything...then that is it....

and if he is not a happy camper when you come here, there is more then meets the eye where he is concerned....because this is a place of healing...but it is also a place where a ws is not going to get away with anything too many people here to support you will have his number...

dip: i think its too early for m3 to have her baby...but if she did i hope all went well....

The first step to fixing a fixaholic is admiting your problem. You are on the way to a cure.

and dare i ask, what exactly is the cure, i didn't know there was one...just thought i needed to be in a 12 step program....

ukgirl:

miracle. Umm, I just read pfm's post..... Dunno what to say. Did he leave his brain behind?

i don't personally think he ever had one... ...and thats only part of the story...which is even sadder....hence a big trigger weekend for me....23 years of memories that now hold different meanings and everytime one comes up ..add to that his usual crap...the man defiantly insists he is a changed man and is open, honest and transparent ...and of course he also insists just as defiantly that he "gets it".... ...and that makes me ...madder then hell...

i wish he would just leave me be....his actions speak quite differently from his words...and they always did.. ....


And so I have to protect myself and go to this place where he can’t hurt me. He calls, he reassures, he reaffirms, but I have this mistrust now.

you do realize that you cannot protect yourself, it still hurts...you are just more prepared for it...the day it stops hurting is the day you have moved on in your heart....i look forward to that day for myself....hell his heart moved on a long time ago, it came back now and then...but it never was truly mine....i often think his heart is made of clay and was molded by whomever was there at the time....but always in the deep recesses of his heart lyed #1....there was no room in there for me, i was a movable love....and he didn't need love for sex...and i was always a good hole for him...


miracle, hope you’re feeling brighter today.

not brighter, but more "me", thank you ...

m3: hope you and your baby girl are o.k.....


((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((iwant)))

I just don't have words for you and your sitch ... I wish I did ... they just seem so inadequate ...

you are a wonderful lady and deserve so much and I really do pray that you can find the peace and balance in your life that you deserve ...

you are so much stronger than I ever thought any woman could be based on your story/profile ...

(((sailaway)))

it takes time and more time ... anf this site this thread is just the best ... keep posting sweetie we are all here for you and understand your heartache ...

(((cant)))

I to often wonder about that ??? in wal-mart, at the mall, the bank everywhere ...

my mom was in Dallas last week for work and on her last day there 300 men checked in for some conference thing and I wondered how many of them were leaving their wedding rings and vows tucked away in their suitcases

(((dip)))

I hope one day we can all have your clarity and sense of peace it seems from your words and advice ... you have been an emense help to me and so many others ... I wish you all the happiness that life can throw your way ...

(((uk)))

asshat is my favorite ... and I hear your words and wish we could just jump to that place in time ... I know we really can't ... but it would be so nice ... but then I guess we would miss all this vaulable learning we have to do ... for some reason life has said here ya go here is a crap load of crap to deal with ... but we want to you to learn from this cause it will make you better ... blah blah blah ...

I am tired of learning ... this subject was not on my class schedule

(((tribe and your families)))


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Y'all didn't scare me off. I'm in the whole east coast major storm thing. No power, stuck, etc. Fun though! I'm going to an appointment re:baby in a few minutes so we'll see about that. I am having contractions and I've been in labor this early with 2 of the 3 so there is a chance if y'all don't hear from me either my power is out again or I've had the baby.

I do really appreciate all the viewpoints. I may just tell her BH at some point for the simple reason that I'm bound to run into him someday and I'll never keep it in if I do. But I think it can wait at least a little while. I just can't deal with any more excitement right now with this baby coming. I do also think I'll discuss it with my priest and my H first. I can at least keep there from being secrets, lies and nasty surprises coming from me.

Gotta go. Wish I had time to respond to some of your concerns but I'll weigh in soon. Hugs to everyone.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger: thank you taking the time out to read my profile and for your warm thoughts...and its ok not knowing the words, it is what it is...and i am learning to be "me" again....one hell of strong woman...gonna take a hell of lot more then what pfm dishes out to get me down for good...although i will admit..to date i have never had a more hurtful experience...and unfortunately it seems to keep on giving...but someday i hope to rid myself of all the pain, to forgive and completely move on....


m3: glad to hear you are doing well, good luck with you labor...may your baby come with ease and in good health, may you both come through with flying colors and fast....

and i am really glad to hear that we didn't scare you off...sounds like you are strong woman in so many ways...


ooh, i just love babies...yay...sending you some si mojo and prayers m3


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33 Oh my goodness!!! You sound all calm and collected – are you on pethidine already???
But I think it can wait at least a little while.
Unless you are planning to ask OW’sBH into the delivery room!! LOL! And you’ll be “weighing in” a little lighter, I hope! I love new babies!! Sending all the best mojos, distance reiki and any spare angels hanging around. Big hugs (((((m33)))))

SI was a sore spot with WH and if I came to the site without erasing our internet history, a HUGE fight ensued....
Huh? Why? Cos you’re getting tea, sympathy and advice? Sorry, but if he has a problem with SI, then he isn’t “getting it”. It seems that he doesn’t want you giving or receiving attention from anyone or anything else and he likes to feel he is in control. This could be the reason behind you wanting him to fail, he’s not showing concern and commitment. Or leastways, not enough. Are you in MC and or IC? Sorry, I forget. But this needs to be addressed. By not discussing it, there are no parameters or rules – you are just riding along the river and letting it take you wherever it goes. You need some sense of control, I suspect.

...and of course he also insists just as defiantly that he "gets it"....
>>sigh<< I don’t think they can ever really “get it”. Not truly. They haven’t walked in our shoes, have they? By definition, they are not even the same gender (works both ways, whoever is the BS), so they are not going to understand deep down. Oh sure, they can MC and IC and read and listen and TRY to get it, but they can only ever have sympathy for rather than empathy with our emotional situation. In just the same way, we can never truly understand why they stepped over the line in the first place, let alone have a LTA. We can assess and recognise their delusional state, but we will never be in their shoes either. There will always be that distance, it might be a hairline crack or it could be a chasm. But it’s there. Here endeth the ramble!

but we want to you to learn from this cause it will make you better ...
I don’t subscribe to the school of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Yes, we all have to do things we don’t like or maybe scare us from time to time. Experiences are what life is about. You learn about yourself and you learn about other people. And that sometimes, people are not what they appear to be. But. What you DO take from this is that YOU are a valuable and worthwhile person. And, in the end, it will be his loss. I have no doubt that you too will experience the “wtf did I do” look on your stbxh’s face one day. Every woman (can’t say men, I’m afraid) I know who has divorced has had the xh on the doorstep with that “look” that said everything. And I tell you, it made them feel a little sad, but GOOOOOOOD. A sort of serves them fucking right cos I’M OKAY.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a great weekend with the game… despite my team losing, I know so many people are happy the Saints won… We had fun the whole month of January and I will always remember those great times!

UK.. you right on this…

to date i have never had a more hurtful experience
Once your spouse commits infidelity, after you both have committed your life to each other… and when one lived up to the promise, and the other did not….??? Although I don’t know for sure, but I think I can imagine infidelity being comparable to your child being murdered, or dead from cancer. I’m sure it has all the same elements of emotions, thoughts, and grief. I have been “fired” from a job before so let me compare that feeling. That day, I felt like I had let my W and kids down in a tremendous way. My stomached dropped. I wanted to punch my boss because he was too chicken to tell me face to face, and sent a co-worker to do it. My firing was not performance based in any way but attitude based. I hated myself that day, for allowing me to reach that point. I felt stupid, dumb, and like a failure in life. Afraid, scared, fearing the future that I could not provide for my family. It hurt. I think it was about three weeks later, I accepted a job paying me double what I was being paid! All those feeling left me quickly. I think about how I felt the 2 or 3 days following that day I got fired. It is the same feeling you have after your spouse committing infidelity. But infidelity feelings last much longer in time… months longer. This is why I compare it to a death... I would think you have the same feelings. I was kicked off the wayward board for telling some guy this... lol... When the spouse commits infidelity, they really don't know the hurt it will cause. But I will say this too… I am a much better person after these things in my life. I have always been a good man, but today, I want and I am becoming a great man. A lion among lions… like dipstick is today!...this is me this past summer… Nobody their understood the meaning behind this sand creation because I did not say…only laughed at it… but it meant something to me… I needed a hand…

I know I would be fine moving on in life with another woman… Most people after a LTA give up... but I also know I would have been faced with other challenges too… I think a hand that can help you is Retrouvaille. I would not know how to express my needs, feelings, communicate in a loving way, without attending this program. I still may D my W... because I have not yet forgiven deep within... but I know this, this program was valuable in how I think, communicate with others... It has taken us back to when we first met… we wanted to do as much as possible to make one another happy…. Oh well sorry for all that feeling stuff… maybe I needed that today.. lol

m33.. it's a good thing when you tell OWH...it will change life for the better... The new baby will keep you busy soon…It will be such a joy. peace.

sailaway... once someone posted this in this forum... I posted here ever since and I decided to start living my life by this quote..

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert
It really is up to you... To think someone should travel the world to seek it... heck, to think someone is willing to travel 50 miles to seek it! maybe this is your boundary... make it clear to H right now! I will not be married to someone that cannot work and make a consistant stable income. Have your own business is freedom when successful, but slavory in failure.

brokenheart09...

HUGE fight ensued

I hope you were able to resolve this conflict, but for some reason, I believe not. I think if he could understand why you need to come here, he would not feel so threatened. He feels threatened because he does not understand forgiveness, grief, and the need for you to have support. He needs to feel safe too... the fears of infidelity are great. Just think… You are a horrible person for doing this sin... I can only imagine the "Will I ever recover" from my sin feelings. Maybe if you can explain to him, he is safe with you right now, forgiveness is a process that you need help with and this site helps you forgive him... it is not a record of wrong, but a way for you to express feelings in the process of forgiveness.

Hey Dip… Sorry you lost money on my Colts.. Oh well, always next year.. lol.
This is how we felt after the game..

Peace today for all.. do something romantic and special to your spouse today..

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:20 AM, February 10th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: you are a man of many talents...that hand is really really cool....

and you have not only reached for an extended hand but have given one as well....its nice when things like that are a 2 way street, and sometimes for me anyways...when i am in the giving mode i actually get so much more out of it....(i'll tell you a secret...its the fixaholic in me)....when i help fix for someone i get a fix...


i am standing now, raising my right hand....."i am a fixaholic and i get a fix when i help fix for others...."


(((((TRIBE)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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