Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

i too am catholic and i have many issues with the church, this being one minor one...

i believe children are a blessing, would have loved to have more, pfm refused...but i do believe in limits, i do believe in being financially responsible for them, i do believe in being able to provide a bit more then just the bare necessities,

i believe that this should be a personal choice and not a choice made by the church...there are way too many parents out there that have no business being parents....and on the flip side there are too many people out there who should be parents and cannot....

i do not think that "god" would consider you using birth control a sin...but then again that is what i believe and obviously you do not....

i love this country, we are all entitled to believe in whatever religion or culture of our choice...provided of course it is a religion or culture not involved in the harm of another....

i am glad to hear that the baby is doing well, remember that she will take whatever she needs from you, leaving you depleted and she needs more then the nutrional stuff, she needs a healthy mom who can take care of her and her siblings.....

and it really sucks that this is how your pregnancy has to be concerning all your hurt...one of my good friends had to go through this too when she was pregnant with her last one....

it is so ironic, i went through infidelity several times over with friends, never once did i ever suspect, never once did pfm falter, except when he took his vows in church....he stumbled on the word "fidelity"..thats because he knew he had no intention of honoring that vow, since ow#1 was firmly in place by then....and he knew he was lying in "gods" house...to "god" and to me before all the people we loved.....

keep us posted on that book, i too am working on forgiveness, not an easy task....not there yet, but i want to be, not for him but for me, it will be the last task for me to accomplish to have true freedom from it and from him....

i actually have one more chapter in a book on the subject, it is going to be a really tough one, and i am procrastinating a bit, i need the frame of mind to be open to it, i also need my kids to not be around, and i think i need to be stationary at home where i dont have to drive, because i think taking a xanax prior to this would be not only advisable but necessary for all the pain i know i will feel....you have to feel it to let it go.....not looking forward to it and yet i am....i wish i could just skip to the letting go part... ...


enjoy your talk with your ic...


((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.

Well, that is good news about the baby! Thanks for the update. Now old dip grandpa is not as nervous.

I will be checking out that book you spoke of.

miracle.

If I messed up on my french, I'm sure someone will point out my mistake, make fun of me, and call me names. Wait a minute. That is your job.

Hugs to the tribe and have a good weekend.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do not think that "god" would consider you using birth control a sin...but then again that is what i believe and obviously you do not....

I feel where you're coming from -- I really do.

I know a great priest who is about my age and was out there in the world living the typical life before he became a priest (college, job, serious girlfriend) etc. I've spoken to him once and I will again. He's a great resource and very smart and insightful, and also someone who has my best interests at heart.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

this priest sound like he may have a grasp on reality, real people with real problems, so many mean well but do not...so he may be a good choice for you

you know way back when, pfm went to confession, his confession blew the priest away, and he told me that the priest said that he may not be able to save the marriage and that i had every right to walk away...

how odd would that be, i actually have the right to annul this marriage, but then how could i do that considering that i had 3 great kids within this marriage, to say that is never existed....it did for me, it just never did for him...

the church i think tends to put down too many rules, too many rules that don't go with real life....too many rules that condemn too many....

listen dip: you and me, we gotta talk...i have this cousin, his name is guido...need i say more....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pfm went to confession, his confession blew the priest away, and he told me that the priest said that he may not be able to save the marriage and that i had every right to walk away...

I went to confession about all my hateful and angry feelings and told our pastor what WH has been up to and he said pretty much the same thing to me. Divorce, you can get an annullment. He said it's not wrong to try to save the marriage, but that it has to mostly come from him and my focus should be on what is best for me and my kids (and NOTICE he said ME first -- that is a man who knows if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy!) Our pastor is in his 60's.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: this priest is also in his 60's or maybe even his 70's...


had to come back to post again, i went and checked out the forgiving book i was procrastinating on....guess which book it is...

"forgiving the unforgivable"

and i can honestly say i can reccommend it, even if i didn't finish it yet...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:23 PM, January 29th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd check in when I'm happy for a change. Went out with ws and his sisters last night & we had a really good time. (Lately -whenever I've had anything to drink I've ended up releasing all of the things I've been keeping to myself about what I really think about my husband.) But - last night everything was good. Now, let's see if he actually reads the book/articles he promised me he would read a week ago...
Hope everyone is finding their "silver lining" today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m - so happy to hear that the baby is doing well.

iwantamiracle -- thanks for recommending the book. sounds like you are getting a little closer to peace. I think forgiving others for the hurt they cause us is critical to our own happiness.

allgoodnamesgone - glad to hear that you are having a better day. I promise to visit the thread when I have good days too.

As for me, just slowly getting used to what my new "normal" is... the triggers, the doubts and the pain coexisting with all the remaining positive emotions, plus the overwhelming love I feel for the kids.

I put the letter aside for now and instead spoke to him directy (go me!). We've already realized through MC that we are conflict avoiders and communication is a problem for us. My serious doubts that he is keeping NC are gone, but the constant wondering about that is part of my new normal, I guess. I've decided not to pursue a VAR for now, although I did the research and I have a plan if I change my mind.

Anyway, he still seems to be a little bit in the fog, although coming out of it slowly, maybe. Until this week, he had been describing his feelings as "numb." Now he says that he is halfway between numb and depressed. I'll give him some time, but not forever.

(((tribe)))


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3,
I am so glad to hear that the baby is doing well.
I know how difficult it is to sleep/eat/breathe after dday - BUT YOU HAVE TO. Your health right now(physical and emotional) will have longlasting effects on both you and the little 'un. Plan your meals, even if they are frequent small ones, and sit down and eat it slowly. Try to find some quiet time where you just think happy peaceful thoughts (I know how manic it must be with the other kids, so even if its just for a few minutes).Thats me being the naggy grandmother!
All the best.

***
Miracle,
That is just amazing about your angel. What do you think it means? Considering it came as you were thinking about your purpose in life, I think it was pretty incredible - maybe carry on as you are because you are on the right path?
Just amazing...

***

SAHM,
That was a heartfelt letter.
Good to hear that you and H are learning how to talk to each other.
Look up Imago therapy workshops if you can.These are based on Harville Hendrix's "Getting the love you want" book.

***
In IC last week, I discovered that I have become emotionally disconnected...again.
I was this way for a long long time, from childhood.
After dday, I swung to the opposite end, where I was on a hyperarousal state for the better part of 2 years...wayyyyy too much in touch with my feelings.
And now, I have swung back again. We didnt have time to get more into that (dont you hate it when a "revelation" occurs towards the end of a session? )
and I wondered if anyone had any thoughts/experiences with this, this further out from dday? (my ddays were in 2006).

an example of this is when I approached my H about studying towards changing my career, he was quite opposed to it. I had a short 10 min burst of venting a few days after, and that was it. I thought I was fine but realised in IC how I really wasnt - i just buried it in - like I did for most of my childhood and M. And that scares me - I dont want to end up being this bitter gnarled old woman.

TIA.

***

((((((((Tribe)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading but don't have answers so can only send hugs and keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
{{{LTA}}}
Please if you would keep my s-i-l (also FWH, m-i-l, & family) in your thoughts and/or prayers as she is in the final stages of metastic disease. We all need God's grace for dealing with the coming days.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LS&family))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

its wonderful to hear you having some good days, they are truly gifts when they are here....


sahm: "new normal"...i remember the first time i either read that term or heard it, and it really is the best way to describe what we feel....and i don't like it, don't get me wrong, i like it better then that horrid downward spiral of the rollercoaster, or the immediate heart-rending pain after d-day...but i do not want a new normal...i want happy normal....but i guess it is yet another step to achieving it....and achieve it i will.....

and i hope that your ws' fog lifts soon...


lh2: how wonderful to hear from you, not so wonderful that you are disconnected...are you disconnected from everyone, inc the kids...


i am glad that you are still having revelations...those aha moments are not only rare sometimes but def cool....

i cannot answer your posed question, not that far out from d-day....

as for your disconnectedness, it sounds as though the reasoning behind it it simply putting your needs away, and since they are not and can not be met, you are disconnecting....like you don't matter, not only to whomever but to yourself.....as much as they invalidate is as much as you disconnect....almost like you have lost the rights to have needs...

i could be way off base, a therapist i so am not...

as for my angel, yes it is a bit on the "ooh ooh side"....the best kind of freaky...cool freaky....

its a shame that we just couldn't be given this book that contains all the answers to all our questions....i have way more questions then i will ever have answers...and the wait and see thing is not for people like me, i like control, i like knowing, i like being prepared...i am a list girl....follow the list to know what comes next...of course when the need arises for procrastination, i am on it..
and btw you are way way way too young to be callin yourself a grandma young lady....way to young.... ...especially if cleaning, crying, pain, illness or death arise....i like excuses for mundane shit....not like excuses for you know what from you know who... ...but that is because there is nothing mundane about his excuses or what he did....as i am so sure all of you can relate....


lostsoul: i do send my prayers for a peaceful transition, for all of you....when someone is so ill you want them to be out of their suffering at the same time letting go feels insurmountable...

(((((ls & family)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lost soul and family)))


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tribe i am desparately seeking prayers for a classmate of my son...he was hospitalized for a blood clot in his brain, he is 16 years old and he is a really good kid....

please pray for him....

thanks


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep... It's normal for me to think about my wife's infidelity several times a day; some very brief, sometimes I have to just tell myself to think about somethink else
but i do not want a new normal
I hate it but it has become a part of me... and I will ever have a normal day like pre-dday? I don't think it will ever happen. Today, I understand why infidelity is a 10 Commandment... So I just take it... my new normal.

Anyway... This makes me happy. Eye of the Colts...

I am so sorry for such a young person to have a illness... I pray for him.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:13 AM, February 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((lostsuol and family))))))

((((((IWAM's son's friend and son))))))

Sending hugs and prayers to the rest of the tribe
((((((LTA TRIBE))))))

LH2,
Miss talking to you. Sorry that you are disconnected, but sometimes it's the only way to survive. Hoping that you find some peace and contentment.

UKGirl,
Where are you?? How are you??

IWAM,
You know I luv ya
Sending you strength and hoping you have a wonderful week!

Welcome to the newbies, and hoping everyone has a good week!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep... It's normal for me to think about my wife's infidelity several times a day; some very brief, sometimes I have to just tell myself to think about somethink else

This is what makes me think I'll want a D. Do you think you'd think about it less if she wasn't around? Sigh.

Hugs and prayers for everyone. Sounds like there is a lot of hurt going around today.

I'm working on focusing on me and my job for now. Kind of a mini 180.

Right now the saddest thing for me is that I don't really believe a single compliment my WH gives me. I suspect I never will again.

This weekend was oldest DS's birthday. It was hard for me. OW and her family would normally have been there. I think this is harder in some ways because I've also lost someone I thought was a friend. It's like I have withdrawl and a bit of fog too.

Ok. On with my day. My IC and I came up with a list of other behaviors that can keep me more on track during my workday. The most important is a change of envrionment so I'll be leaving my work at home and going back to the office soon.

Another thing that makes me sad is that I was thinking of trying to become a SAHM in the next few years. My WH's career is reaching a point where it would be easy for me to stay-at-home soon and now I'll never, ever feel safe trusting him to support us.

I guess the thing that saddens me the most is that I've been thrust into living in a reality that is just so dark, and evil and jaded and depressing. Like all the good people are gone.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here from time to time, lurking in LTA and keeping up on how everyone is.

(((((lostsuol))))) Peace for your sil and I hope the doctors are keeping her as comfortable as possible. Thinking of you at this traumatic time.

Allgood, hoping your WHOLE WEEKEND was good!!

BetrayedSAHM, I read your letter and, like others, found it incredibly touching. Try not to second guess your FWSís feelings, stick to how itís making YOU feel and what he can do to help alleviate your fears and pain.

As for me, just slowly getting used to what my new "normal" is... the triggers, the doubts and the pain coexisting with all the remaining positive emotions, plus the overwhelming love I feel for the kids.
Ah. Remember it well. The jigsaw pieces of your life making a different picture now. As to the feeling numb, again this is a normal stage he is going through. Line it up next to ďdisbeliefĒ and that will be disbelief at everything Ė what he has done, what the effect has been so far, his future (or lack of). If he stops feeling numb, he may well feel fear and feeling numb is better than fear. Normal stage.

LostH, is this emotional disconnection a bad thing? Who are you disconnected from? Sometimes sweetie, we just need a break from feeling too much. I could do with a bit of that myself. Iíve been having those awful 3 or 4am wake ups with palpitations the last few weeks. And then I canít go back to sleep. And then I start thinking about the affair(s) Ė again.

I dont want to end up being this bitter gnarled old woman
You are much to sweet to ever be that!

Miracle Ė sorry to hear about the boy, a 16 year old who should just be schooling, dating and larking around but finds himself facing uncertainty about his whole life. I hope he pulls through with no adverse long term effects. A worrying time for his parents.
As for your angel, I'd keep that as sign. A sign for what, I'm not sure. But whatever, it has to be good, don't you think?

Hi Lovin'! I'm here and fine, but missing my downunder boys sooo much today. DS1 is MIA on a farm somewhere, DS2 is posting pics and videos of his "work" kayaking and skydiving and DS3 is doing fine earning lots of money to do more travelling. How's the camping going? You could live in that new camper, could this be the retirement home??

Yep... It's normal for me to think about my wife's infidelity several times a day; some very brief, sometimes I have to just tell myself to think about somethink else
Well I have to say I do this too. Three and a half years out and I'd say it crosses my mind every day. Some days more than others. Usually just wondering about the truth, or a trigger with a song or it could be something FWH says.
This weekend was oldest DS's birthday. It was hard for me. OW and her family would normally have been there. I think this is harder in some ways because I've also lost someone I thought was a friend. It's like I have withdrawl and a bit of fog too.
This is normal in a double betrayal. And so understandable. And if I had known that the rug was going to be pulled out, I wouldn't have allowed H to give me this small income from his sideline business to let me stay at home to see to house and family. I should not have believed in the forever side of our marriage.

Meanwhile, FWH has been working away again and I have to keep telling myself that heís up to nothing now. That was then, this is now. And if he cheats or contacts MOW or has any other inappropriate situations then it is HIS choice and HE has to make his own boundaries to fit MY expectations. If someone wants to have an affair, they will. All it takes is inclination and opportunity and he has plenty of the second one. MOW has also changed her facebook settings, so I can no longer see her wall or photos. She has also made it so that you canít send her a message, but you can ask to be a ďfriendĒ. Iíve looked through FWHís page as well and itís the same. But, of course he knows her mobile number and where she works, soÖ

Iíve written up a doc Iíve called ďmarriage historyĒ, taking in every year from before H and I met. Iíve included the times when Iíve suspected he may have had other clandestine relationships and why as well as all the stuff during the years of his affair with MOW. In the conclusion, I have mused over how long she was a part of our marriage and come up with the 6yrs when, perhaps, she didnít feature much. Iím still debating whether or not to ask him for his view of our marriage. Trouble is, he doesnít want to look at anything too closely and that has been the real source of how the affair got going in the first place. Iím rambling when I should be down the gym.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:27 AM, February 1st (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: you seem to be a happy football fan...

m3: i would think that your emotions will run that gammut....a double betrayal, plus you are pregnant....so so many emotions that are painful...

as for becomming a sahm....ou need to do what you need to do for YOU...if this is something you really want to do, then do it....its not like you can get these years back with your kids....which decision do you think you would regret more....of course too, there is no rush, more time i am sure would have elapsed by then...and wait for your hormones to come back down to earth after the pregnancy...then make your decision based on what you feel then about being a sahm, your husband and how prepared you need to be...

ukgirl:

Iíve written up a doc Iíve called ďmarriage historyĒ, taking in every year from before H and I met. Iíve included the times when Iíve suspected he may have had other clandestine relationships and why as well as all the stuff during the years of his affair with MOW. In the conclusion, I have mused over how long she was a part of our marriage and come up with the 6yrs when, perhaps, she didnít feature much. Iím still debating whether or not to ask him for his view of our marriage. Trouble is, he doesnít want to look at anything too closely and that has been the real source of how the affair got going in the first place. Iím rambling when I should be down the gym.


dear heart, i wish for you some peace...to find some resolution, a way to live with so much uncertainity, to be able to let it go...


thank you everyone for your prayers, keep them coming...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to call OW's BH today to make sure he knows. It's long overdue.

If either he or her call WH and tell him then things are going to suck around here again. It seems to be going rather well, actually, so that would make me really sad. I made sure to hug him really well this AM.

Also, my kids are starting to ask about OW's kids since they are friends. They want to see their friends -- it's been 3 1/2 mos. since they've seen them. Ugh.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.