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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Madame miracle.

"Until then 1 short sentence." One sentence? Has this ever happened before?

To all the other Madames of the tribe I send my best wishes.

To tryn. I have my money on the Colts. Cheer hard for them please!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any insight would be much appreciated as I'm quickly losing what's left of me. My "stats" are at the bottom of my reply & full story on my profile. I'm nearly 5 months out & still struggling with the R. Bunch of lies along the way certainly didn't help the process - the most recent being my finding he lied about his whereabouts so he could go to a work related party (the ow is a former coworker). Anyway, despite my total devastation following DDay, I actually feel like I was more "into" him then than now. Maybe I'm just getting discouraged that this far out, things are so far from ok. I have just this week stopped wearing my wedding band because I really don't feel like I'm in a committed relationship. I find it hard for me to believe anything he says (even the good stuff), finding it harder to be happy just to be with him, it's hard to even look him in the eyes. I think a lot of this is that I fear I'm in false R and I don't want to be too attached to him just in case. I also look at this lta & think how could he really be happy with me - I look at the constant texting and phone contact throughout the day with the ow & we call each other maybe 2-3x/day when we're working & a lot of it is just checking in or logistics with the kids. I just feel like the situation is hopeless - he had a pet name for her (NEVER had a pet name for me), never had any reasons to spend an entire day talking/texting me - they never fought, she's hot as hell - I feel like it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops. Is this just a phase? Any suggestions? (I'm in IC & I have to say it's not too effective & he doesn't want to go to mc - also damn near impossible between work & 4 kids).

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:17 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

goodname-

I don't have as much insight as many here but I will say that you sound exactly like me a few months ago. All I can say is that I don't think its a good idea to make a long term decision when you are "down." Sounds stupid I guess but I mean think and be patient with yourself. You are allowed to be sad. Be sad when you are sad. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it." As for waiting for the other shoe to drop- you need to decide where your line in the sand is (someone told me that here) and stick to it.


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

Until then 1 short sentence." One sentence? Has this ever happened before?

NOPE..


m3:

I'm just going to forgive him and forget it for the most part. Crazy, no? I think he's told me the whole truth about this relationship --

I think I can take the risk of trusting him again

So, I think I'm just going to say to him: I forgive you completely and I'm going to go back to trusting you just as much as I always have because that is how I want to live my life. I still expect transparency two-ways forever b/c married people just don't need secrets from each other.

I'm going to tell him that I know it's a risk to just forgive him like this and that I worry that I'm not fighting hard enough for our marriage by doing it and that I heard how many times his IC said don't do it again so I assume he's very tempted.

But, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll surprise me. My only worry is that I'm going to feel guilty that I didn't do enough when he screws it up anyway. I'm about 90% sure he's going to screw it up. I think he's in this thing deeper than he thinks he is. He's telling himself it's not a real affair because they haven't had sex all that often, but they've had their families living in each others pockets for years.

these are the paragraphs that jumped out at me from your last 2 posts...

you trust him, but you don't believe him..

you truly believe he will screw up

you assume he is tempted to do it again

you are working on your marriage...is he?...is he really working the way you want him to?..

and then there are just facts of recovering from an affair..


you will never forget

you will never trust him like you did before...blind trust is gone permamently

he needs to acknowledge everything in order to change it

he need to fix what is broken within him for you to feel any trust in him

and then there is forgiveness:

forgiveness is about you, about you letting go, this is a gift for you...on one hand you can forgive, letting go without the offender having done anything to earn it...but of course that forgiveness would be in a relationship that would no longer exist....

on the other hand there is forgivenss because the offender has done everything needed to help you heal so he has earned it and you are ready to let it go

i don't think you are ready for either way of forgiveness....

you ws has not earned it yet, and you are not ready to let go of the relationship...

right now maybe you could try for acceptance which is one of the steps to forgiveness...and hopefully you ws will give you the gift of helping you heal and in do doing give you both the gift of forgiveness....the goal we would all love to attain...

and i don't think you are insane, i think you love the man, i think you are reluctant to let the relationship go....and i think you want it, but wanting it does not make it happen...i wish it did...

o.k. dip...feel better now...


allgood: welcome to the lta corner...

of course you are discouraged...your ws has lied to you for several years, and then had trickle truthed you after d-day...that trickle truth is a killer....

right now you say he refuses mc...totally not cool...this will not only not help your sich but probably destroy whatever may be left...he is showing you that he does not want to do what it takes...and that is not good...

is he at least in ic?..i hope so...if not then you will need to face some really hard truths and i am so so sorry...

if your ic is not doing you any good, then get a new one...they cannot fix us, they cannot help us fix them...they can listen and help us help ourselves...to reach within to what we truly want, desire and most importantly need...and using their guidance tap into our own self-guidance....

if your ic is not doing any of this...get a new one....otherwise you are wasting your time...

for us lta'ers...too much time was wasted for us..so time is now valuable...and it should be used wisely to find healing answers and hopefully joy...

you are still new and raw, this is so much to take in and it is so overwhelming...

no decisions should be made yet except for ic and mc

and you need to take care of yourself, remember to breathe, exercisse and eat well....your mind is so injured so take care of the body....

sailaway....good advice...

hey ukgirl and lh2...good to hear from you...

as always
((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - thank you for your response. I plan on scanning the entire lta thread - I'm sure I'll pick up a lot from it. As to MC- we went right after DDay & then I canceled it when I found he broke NC because that was it for me (I thought). Anyway - if I forced the issue about mc he would go. IC/MC - basically it is really difficult for him to discuss his feelings. Just in the few sessions we did attend MC I could see that he was there to support me, but wasn't really getting anything out of it. And - the logistics of getting sitters on a weekly basis to go to MC was very difficult. My current disappointment with my own ic only reinforces his notions about counseling I suppose. For now, I plan on going to mc & will encourage him to at least do some reading up.
Anyone out there able to offer anything from their experience that could give me some hope that despite the ws's feelings for the ow & despite the fact that a lta was only ended due to the demands of the bs - that the ws could really move on from the ow - no looking back? - And truly be committed to the bs?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
What is your H saying now about the LTA and OW?
Sometimes it takes a little longer for the fog to lift, so dont give up just yet.

Re the IC/MC dilemma - encourage your H to attend IC but if he doesnt, you carry on with yours. When he sees the positive effect this is having on you, this might encourage him to attend too. However you state that your IC is not going so well - so change. Dont feel forced to stay with an IC who is not working out for you. Interview a few and then choose one who is a good fit for you. One of the common sideffects for a BS after dday, is finding out how this "new" trauma has uncovered "old" traumas - FOO issues you have not dealt with suddenly all seem to pop up. Total Recovery includes recovery of the LTA as well as from those old issues - so finding a really good IC is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

when the time is right,you both will gravitate towards MC. Your H needs to know from now, that surviving from the mess he created and thriving after, is not a solo effort on your side- he needs to step up and put in everything he can to fight for you and this M. And show you that he IS committed to you.

And I dont care how hot the OW is on the outside (and neither should you) - her heart and soul must be well frozen to mess with someone elses H!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has said the same thing about the lta all along. As to the ow - says he was attracted to her, liked talking to her, cared about her, but did not love her. Denies thinking about her unless I bring her up.
What exactly can someone do to show they are committed other than being "present" in the relationship & being transparent?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:43 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone, I have the answer to this one...
I also look at this lta & think how could he really be happy with me
In a LTA, these are people that have a disposition to cheat. It has nothing to do with the spouse (YOU). It is just in some people’s soul to cheat and not cheat; a cheater’s ethics, greed, selfishness, etc. The reason they don’t leave is selfishness. They like, they fear without, no courage for changing… and they WANT their marriage. If they did not, they would have left! They DO NOT want to end the marriage. Dday is also decision time! So, if they pick you, you must conclude, the spouse still wants you, always wanted you. But they wanted that other feeling too… The big question is, can your spouse change? Change never is easy but with the trauma of getting caught, it is possible for someone to change.

Do you have the courage, the will power, the emotional control, the mind power, to be able to R? This is your choice to make… Love is a choice.

Is your H willing to be the kind of person that can help you too? This is his choice to make. He must do some things… and the list is long.


But did not love her
He is kidding himself... he needs some love training. You chose to be intimate, you chose to have sex, you chose to care, he bought her food, he listen to her problems, etc etc etc... all part of being "in love" Yes, he loved the OW. Of course! a LTA always is love. He loved both you and OW. If it was just sex.. you go buy a whore...You F and then leave. THis comment he makes is to protect you, it says he hates the fact he has done this to you and somehow this will make you feel better... just like holding back on details that could start to heal you... tickle truth.. they think what you don't know won't hurt you more. If he stops the A, goes NC, then that is love.

All this is very hard. I am still 16 months out and still have feelings to leave my W.

Gotta go and enjoy the day.. trying to take big blocks of the day and not think about my W's nasty past! Peace out all.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:51 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Trynhard - I hope you did enjoy your day. Your comments were very helpful tho very hard to hear. My H & I have been together since I was 16 & I guess I just cant imagine being without him & so I'm hoping what I know in my heart (that this is a false R) isn't true.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

you need to learn to listen to your inner voice, you gut otherwise known as your intuition...it is rarely if ever wrong....

that being said you must also give it some time....but trust in your instincts....making no permanent decisions or choices that you might regret later...but still trusting your instincts...it is a tightrope that you will be walking for now anyways...and a fine line between trusting your instincts yet not doing anything permanent about them...it just means that you protect yourself without making the decisions that would be final or doing something rash based on those instincts...

lh2 and tryn have given you wise advice as well...

and please remember to take care of yourself....breathe, eat right and exercise if possible...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
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Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood....

You can't begin any reconciliation until you are certain that the affair is over! and..that there is absolutely zero contact between him and the affair partner.
Do they still work together?
How are you handling that?
How do you know that there is no contact?
Unfortunately, at one point or other all BS have to become detectives....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard....
as to the 'love' question with LTAs....
I've been struggling with that question for 3 yrs now!
And, surprisingly, I'm beginning to believe my husband on this....
he has been adamant about his lack of loving feelings for the MOW since day one after d-day.
He has been so...honest about so many very embarassing, gross, details ...and yet, he stands firm on this.
His IC (after 1 and 1/2 yrs of therapy) came to the conclusion that both my H and the MOW (serial cheater) treated the affair like a series of one night stands...
both of them never had any feelings for the other....
they were drinking buddies, sick sexual partners..but had no feelings for each other. Both were extremely selfish.
After d-day... the MOW knew that we were separated and...she knew that my husband was not doing well..extremely depressed, anxious, possibly suicidal.
She never called him...not once...never even tried...
she never emailed him ...never.
In the 5 months we were separated and I had filed for divorce my husband never once contacted the MOW...he had no urge to do so...
He also, completely broke off all contact with his other drinking buddy co-workers...no looking back.
He used to find these guys fun and entertaining...
I think the MOW played the same role in his life.
So... as hard as it has been for me to believe this (because I am such a different type of person)...I am beginning to believe him when he says ..that the OW meant nothing to him!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 12:12 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey allgood ...

did not read all of your posts ... however you are in the right thread and there a couple more threads here in I can Relate that may be able to offer you some advice and support ...

and please start your 180 ... if R-ing is in your future with your WS then the 180 is a great place to start ... if just for your own sanity ...

Hey tribe ... still doing good here in booger bear land ...

I have been in a super high good mood the last couple days ... no drugs here

just very odd sense of I don't know what it is ???

but I am afraid of when it goes away ... I know this is all part of the roller coaster ... and I hope my next low is kinda equaled out by this latest high on the coaster ride ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mornin all!
Thanks everyone for your replies. NJgal- she transferred from their place of work, but she still works & lives nearby. (Which is why I assume she transferred before he got the chance to -so she would still be able to contact him more easily.) Some days I think the A is over - course he swears it is. Only a few people know about this - but I know from mutual friends that he's discussed this with that he's told them it's definitely over. I have to admit I have excellent investigative skills. To be honest - I'm monitoring everything possible. That's how I found out he lied to me about his whereabouts 2 weeks ago & I guess that's what this is really about. His continued lying to me - makes me question EVERYTHING.
Booger - as to the 180- I think I'm implementing it to the best of my ability. I'm making more of an effort to look great all the time (hard with a 1 year old wiping stuff all over me all day), I'm going out with friends more & I've told my H that when it gets warmer I'm going to join a running club. I told him straight out that I can't allow myself to be emotionally dependent upon him. I'm not sure if I totally understand how to implement the 180 in the midst of an R - we are still working on our relationship - being more attentive, date nights, etc., but I want to show him that there's more to me than the miserable mess he's been seeing & that I am strong enough to move on if need be. (I think he knows in his heart I will never give up on him & I've certainly shown that with my ever moving "line in the sand"). Oh well, 20/20 hindsight.
Anyhoo - last night I told him I didn't think it was going to work if something didn't change. Big long explanation of why. He seriously felt that us just caring for each other the way we used to would be enough. Said he really doesn't know what to do. (Which I found remarkable as I've really spelled it out for him on a number of occasions.) He's now agreed to read a book I purchased & I plan on giving him the articles from this site as well. He genuinely seemed upset long after the conversation ended & was having trouble sleeping.
So, so far so good today - but it's the "follow through" that I'm concerned about with him. So, thanks again all - hopefully one day I'll be less of a mess & I can offer someone the support & advice I receive from all of you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey njgal,

he has been adamant about his lack of loving feelings for the MOW since day one after d-day
I do believe this to be true! But to say, “both of them never had any feelings for the other....” Hummm, No way 100% on this.

IMO, of course your H loved her. Read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love Pay close attention to the Interpersonal love part… and look up all the definition associated with these words too. Obviously, a LTA has intimacy, commitment, and passion. To think anything else IMO you are just kidding yourself. To accept this is very hard as a betrayed spouse. Love is a choice too, you can choose to love only one person, or multiple. Cheaters don’t even realize themselve they are loving two people. It takes some reading and study to understand what love really is. This topic has been studied for years and years.

I lust for other women all the time. Just last night I saw a lady and thought, Wow, I would love to do some… Well you know! But I chose not to love her. I chose not to pursue, say a word, asked on date, get her coffee, buy her anything, share my work life, tell her she looks great, walks great, rub her foot, show her what I have under my jeans, etc.. lol

True, they may have treated them like ONA, but they were in love. They committed to keep the A going, shared intimate physical things, confidences and various details of their personal lives, had passion for each other all those things that are Love. Have you read the 5 languages of Love? Every couple should be forced to read this.

It is amazing that today, now… I have now come to accept my wife was in love. I can say it, I don’t feel hurt about it, my emotions are not what they were when I was 1 month, 5 months, and even 11 months…. I am much better about it. Yes, I can still cry about it. I did last week for a very brief moment. That sadness went away quickly.

I so wish you all peace today! Go Colts!!!

This are some of my pictures I took last week!


this is for Dip


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for some guidance/feedback...

My D-day was January 1 of this year. I picked up my husband's blackberry and found an ongoing text message with OW. I confronted him immediately and he confessed to a 2 year affair with her. Well, a 2 year PA... the EA started before that. She worked for him at the time.

The EA started while we were undergoing fertility treatments. The PA started early in my pregnancy. It continued through my hospitalization for pre-term labor and subsequent months of bedrest. It continued, basically, until January 1. The babies (twins) are now 18 months old.

WH says that never wanted to tell me of the affair. He hoped to end it (he had tried several times) and then return emotionally to our marriage.

NC has been maintained since January 1. He has been honest. And I know he feels sorry and seems to feel some remorse, but admits that he is feeling "numb" and that it is hard not to be in contact with OW. He compared it to losing a best friend.

What I'm wondering is whether this is the "fog" that everyone talks about? And, more importantly, how is he going to feel about himself when he comes out of the fog?

I believe in the power of forgiveness. I believe that I can forgive him at some point. But I don't know how hard coming out of the fog will be for him...

For those FWH with LTAs... how was the experience for you? how long did it take?

This whole things seems out of character for him. We had an otherwise happy marriage. He had been noticeably emotionally absent for a long time, but I attributed it to stress related to work and having a very young family. And other than his emotional absence, I can't complain about him as a husband. He never said a mean word to me. He provided everything we needed, etc. So I don't know what to think.

Can anyone relate to this?


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I had the same from my FWH:
As to the ow - says he was attracted to her, liked talking to her, cared about her, but did not love her. Denies thinking about her unless I bring her up.
When I found out about “limerence” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence), he agreed that it was perhaps something more akin to that, esp at the beginning. He would insist that it “wasn’t love in the truest sense of the word”. And when limerence wore off, he just carried on seeing her because he was afraid that she would tell me at some point in the future, but he couldn’t tell me himself and so he “thought” the best way to avoid this was to continue with the affair, making her promises and telling her “all the things she wanted to hear” in order to keep her away from me and us. And yes, I still have a great deal of difficulty getting my head around that. He was fucking her to keep his secret. Skewed logic.

But the fact is that many LTA’s become just that out of habit and routine. It’s a kind of comfortable way to live and they get used to the lying and the living two lives. It’s easier than breaking up. Until it’s exposed and suddenly nothing is certain. Some also get to thinking it’s no big deal, or that because you didn’t know you shouldn’t be further hurt by the length of it, or that the WS had no intention of breaking up the marriage so that shows how much they must love you. Again:

He seriously felt that us just caring for each other the way we used to would be enough. Said he really doesn't know what to do. (Which I found remarkable as I've really spelled it out for him on a number of occasions.)
That is extremely common. They just want it all to be erased (don’t we all??) and to be put back to where they were pre-A and/or pre-dday. It ain’t gonna happen! Everything has been thrown up in the air.

One e-book my FWH agreed to read (it’s short…..) was “Infidelity Crisis: How to gain forgiveness and respect after your affair” by Katie Coston. He found it useful.

Your H would benefit from IC and MC, but you cant make him do it; he has to realise it’s in his own interests to go. My H didn’t do IC because he had “dealt” with the affair in his own head. He just mentally shut the door on it and moved on and away from MOW. Maybe some people are capable of doing that.

In essence, it could be that your WH recognised quite early on that he didn’t really love her. Or did, but not enough.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi B-SAHM and welcome to our corner.

Everything you have said pretty much sums up what has happened to a lot of us who have found ourselves in here. If you read my post to Allgone, you might find some of it relates to you too. It is also quite common (my H stated the same) that the WS hopes or assumes that the affair will just fizzle out and they won’t have to be proactive to finish it. Actually, it just trundles along until they get found out or they confess.

The missing of the OW and referring to her as his “best friend” is part of the withdrawal from the addiction to the affair. Not so much missing her as missing the attention. The feeling numb is self protection – he doesn’t really know what’s going to happen, so the emotions go into shut down and hibernation for the time being so that he can “think”. Emotionally, he’s gone to his cave.

For those FWH with LTAs... how was the experience for you? how long did it take?
As the post to Allgone, FWH blurted out a confession to me, so as far as he was concerned, he had “dealt” with the affair. It had burned out and was over, he just couldn’t finish it with her. And he was concerned with how she was feeling and fixed on keeping her away from me, his completely collapsed wife, that he carried on contact by phone and text for another 10wks or so until I found out just how much contact there was (he lied…….) and told him to go to her. But he was right, she turned up on the doorstep and had to be sent a solicitor’s letter. So, for him it was immediate. For MOW it was forever and I’m convinced she’s just waiting for him to contact her again, and for me? Not there yet, but I had a couple of years of trickle truth.

LTA’s are very difficult to overcome, but it can be done. Are you in IC and/or MC?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:32 AM, January 24th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl - thanks for the support & the book reference. I will check it out. (Your reference to the book's length cracks me up - you definitely understand the kind of person my wh is). Loved the emoticons too - I'm trying to laugh


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, UKGirl.

We are in MC and the counselor has suggested that he starts IC to help him overcome his feelings of separation/loss. My feeings of anger/loss/betrayal, however, will be dealt with in MC.

I really appreciate the response. I can tell that he's in emotional denial. But i guess I can't do much about it.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
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