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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello tribe.

someone tell me how to get away from hearing of more infidelity! Right now I feel like D-day was yesterday and I hate this.

life is one huge trigger. Sleep is crappy - nightmares are weird and scary. Yet I so want to go to sleep and never wake up. But can't do that to my kids and gkids.

My H still doesn't get it... as in laughed about the Tiger Woods news... and is defensive if I say anything about anything it seems.

I know his sister's health is worrying him (metastic disease) and he's stressed. I understand that he feels a strong responsibility for her but I can't get myself in the mind set to be supportive after the toxic relationship I've had with her over the years.

I'm tired of there never being a 'right time' for us to look after our relationship... no time to talk... no time to 'date... He has time for everyone and everything but me and our marriage. Like UKg I don't think I have the truth yet and it's a festering sore in my heart and mind.

Only God knows what the holiday season will bring but I don't feel hopeful about the situation. I live for visits with my dd and our grandson. His smiles are so sweet. His world is so new. Time spent with him in my arms is a treasure.

Tears rolling... gotta go.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, December 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((lostsoul))))))

i feel your pain, and frankly it sucks a moose egg...i though do at least have a plan for the future for freedom....i will not live like this a day longer then i have to for my kids....but for my kids i will do what i need to do....but i am also open to having my own life apart from my kids...whether or not that will happen for me is another story, but its something...

ls, how long can you continue like this, why would you want to?..why do you stay?...we all have our reasons, are your reasons really good enough for you...only you know those answers...

as for you inlaws...i am all for telling them where to go...i too put up with alot of crap from pfm and his family..it was all for nothing...although i do have the satisfaction of knowing that i did nothing to turn my kids against these people, these stupid people did that all by themselves....and now i have inlaw freedom...yay for that

hurtshirley: you are in the same circumstance with njgal: knowing all there is..i envy you too....that in itself to me would be very freeing..it would allow me to let go of a part of this crap...but alas i don't think that is to be...

and no pfm is still not an option...its not a place i could go to....would need to be drugged and even then...not...i was his hole, he loved her...i will never be anyone's hole ever again...sex with me is a privilege he has lost...i would rather have sex with a stranger...at least i would be a different type of hole, and i wouldn't be in love with my abuser....can't go there...really can't go there...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. The Facebook thing. I have his password to his pages and he doesnít mind at all. All his personal emails come into the family computer. If he should pick them up through the service providerís site (never has so far, he prob doesnít even know he can), they will still come through. Although Iím not sure if he was to delete them first Ė Iíll have to check that out. The thing is I donít want to alert him to the fact she is on FB at all. I donít want to block her b/c I donít want her thinking I care enough to bother doing that. And if she wanted to get really bitchy (which I doubt, I think sheís a bit scared of me), she could always message any or all of the boys. Which she wonít do cos her three kids are on it. And Iíve got her work email addy. So Iím hoping she wonít dare to contact FWH for fear of my wrath!

If I say something, he might be tempted to look her up. If he hasnít already. I believe his boundaries are firmly in place Ė at the moment. That could change in a moment of weakness. I check the history every now and then just to be sure (every fucking day to start with!) but I have to find the same sort of mind set as when he goes away. Which is ďwhateverĒ. To say if he lies or lies by omission, he is only lying to himself cos I donít believe him anyway.

So. Why tell him about her and Facebook?


Do you think there is any way to get him into MC and create a "safe" place for him to give you the full truth? If not, can you just tell him that since he isn't coming forth with it and you have enough suspicions that you feel srongly that he is withholding that you are just going to assume that he has never been faithful and he better deal with that reality?
We had a conversation about that not long ago. News about some guy who found out that he had fathered a child he didnít know about. H said we wouldnít be having anyone knocking on the door unless it was from before he knew me. And Iím thinking it was a good job he had a vasectomy before DS4 was born. But I said that didnít mean he hadnít been with anyone else, did it? He said he hadnít. I just left it hanging in the air. I have asked him directly on a number of occasions. He insists he made only one mistake.

njgal, I did as much as I could too. FWH was pretty dumb after dday, didnít get rid of anything, so I kept finding stuff. And I met MOW and then her BH. Each time Iíd confront him and heíd say ďyeh, well, that one time ÖÖÖÖ. Or maybe yeh, then tooÖÖ..Oh, I fogot that oneÖÖ.blah, lie by omission, blahĒ He said he couldnít remember when or where the first time, other than it was a hotel near where she lived and it was months after they first met. By my own digging I found out the name and address of the hotel and the date, which was less than a month after his first email to her. And I found out the last time too. I shouldíve been a forensic detective. Heís just a fucking liar, Mr Minimiser.

so where does it come from...
It comes from an inner contentment, being happy with yourself and your lot, counting your blessings and saying ďI am lucky to have all thisĒ. If you donít have it, no one can give it to you. I had it. My parents have it. Iím not sure about anyone else.

I seem to be one of a few whose H has come completely clean (can't imagine what else he could be hiding ).
It would seem that once he started to puke it all out, he couldnít stop until he was empty. The man had poisoned himself and the only way to get every drop of poison out of his system and come clean. If only they would all realise that. Only then can they truly start over again. But Iím glad you are feeling stronger. We have to get stronger or drown. (((shirley)))

My H still doesn't get it... as in laughed about the Tiger Woods news...
What? Gimme a golf club and Iíll give him a clear re-enactment of Elin with a 3-iron or whatever it was. Then maybe he can explain the funny side.

I'm tired of there never being a 'right time' for us to look after our relationship... no time to talk... no time to 'date...
We have time to date, but thatís not the right time to talk. Itís never the right time to talk.

Miracle, I can understand your reluctance to have sex with pfm, but what about just a hold. Just looking for the man you thought he was, not naked or anything, touch is so important. I know that denying my H touch is the most hurtful thing I can do.

Weíve had a dust up over the last couple of days. And heís gone to the annual HS reunion tonight, catching the last train home. I wonder if gf#1 is there? Gotta trust him sometime though. He has to see his boundaries are set firm not for him, but for me. I hate that I have become this person. I used to be so open, giving and trusting. Now Iím not. I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My oh my. Can't you tell I'm on my own tonight?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:08 PM, December 4th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that I have become this person. I used to be so open, giving and trusting. Now Iím not. I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My oh my. Can't you tell I'm on my own tonight?

This echoes my feelings so much, UKgirl... when I'm home alone is the worst also. And I'm home alone a lot!

When we're together I've gotten better at being able to control the emotions although this time of year is when the betrayal began and the holiday season is when the worst of his (IMO) actions occurred.

I think my H still doesn't equate what he did to any of the celebrity A's (insists no PA despite several times of being in her company that I now know of). He's remorseful in private but since his A is not public knowledge the box with that info in it is safely tucked away in the back of his mind while his honesty and integrity amid the business community he moves in is intact.

I know that if I'm staying in the marriage I have to come to acceptance BUT I'm not there yet. I've thought that I was then found out otherwise as life happens around us.

{{{LTA}}} hope your weekend goes well.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fnf - Your PM box is full

Like the rest of you, i think the latest news stories have stirred up a lot of pain again. It really doesn't matter though, love stories, touching stories, anything will set me to tears.

I saw the Rockettes the other night and cried at O Holy Night.

Just letting you know that although I'm not in here much, I do think of you all.

My life is much the same, constant bickering and the inability to do anything "right" in my H's eyes. We still don't know where we stand with each other and we rarely talk above or below the surface.

My unemployment has taken its toll and I'm ready to go back to work, please let me get a job so he'll get off my back. Of course, it won't pay enough or the hours will suck or something will be wrong with it (in his eyes). But it will give me some power back, some security.

Like yours lostsuol, mine seems to have energy for everyone else. I found out inadvertantly that he'd helped a friend put up dry wall on his last rainy day off. Yet he can't even seem to find the sink or dishwasher for his dishes at home and puts everything on our son to do ("hey, he's young and does nothing, let him do it.") But mostly it's "Well, YOU'RE not working."

And now we have a wedding to plan together which he has shown ZERO interest in and will complain later that he wasn't "involved". D won't even talk to him about it because all she gets is a lecture and then is expected to "OBEY" what he says.

I understand that he has this feeling of helplessness at work, no power whatsoever, no one's listening to him and is questionning his work, what he says... and he doesn't GET IT. It's because he lies and it appears someone else has caught on. So he takes it out on us.

Just let me get my son graduated and the D married. I'm going no where until that's finished.

Saw my IC for the first time in months last week because I was getting even more depressed with not getting jobs I've applied for and the pressure from H. She said that I have so much compassion in me, still that she could never have stayed with him.

Told her the compassion was for my kids and he was just a beneficiary.

Take care and good night ladies.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I hate that I can relate to this area but it's a cold hard fact.

When my WH initially told me about his affair with his coworker he said it was on and off for 2 1/2 years...turns out it was five. He also had several ONS with three other women over the past five years.

He quit his job at my request and now works offshore with an all male crew from 14-28 days at a time. He's out right now and will be home in a few days for two weeks.

Some days I want to work on our marriage and then others I think over the lies I've been told and don't know if I have the strength to be with him.

It's been over now since October 19 with his coworker but that was after he screwed her three times during what was supposed to be a constructive separation. I spoke with her the day after he came home and she let me listen to all of his voicemails to her. His last one was the day he came home, "Hey baby, I'm going home now--back to prison."

Anyhoo, after I spoke with the LTA OW I came home and said I wanted a divorce and then promptly left to stay at a friends without notifying him. He freaked out and called to see where I was and I wouldn't tell him. Finally he called and said, "Serene, please come home. I will tell you everything."

When I came home he told of the two ONS women I didn't know of over the past five years as well as two affairs he had early on in our marriage. He was only faithful the first two years of our marriage and then again from 'Dec 95-'October 05. So in the past seventeen years he'd fucked around for seven.

He then professed how much he still loved me and that he would do whatever it took to prove it. He's been open and honest though he's overcoming his initial negative reaction to me spying on him (TOO FUCKING BAD!)...he spits and sputters but then gets over it.

Wh is not pushing me to get over it. Since October he's been comforting and supportive and deals with my ups and downs. However, he also said he wants to try really hard to find that "spark" he had for me in our youth. How, pray tell, can one find that spark when the BS has been hurt so deeply? He said the OW may not have been the most beautiful thing in the world but she acted like it. Well isn't that just dandy? I'd think highly of myself and have uber-confidence too if I were an ugly skank who was sleeping with someone elses good looking spouse and knew they wanted me so badly. (Not literally, of course, but you get the gist.)

He may never have that spark for me again and I refuse to act like a happy go lucky woman who oozes confidence when my self-esteem has been completely shattered by a man I've poured my whole heart into for nearly two decades. I cannot possibly walk around here and be all smiles knowing what he's done.

I don't know why I'm venting. Blame it on insomnia tonight--I usually sleep well so this isn't a regular occurrence. Despite all he's done I still love him. *SIGH*

Has anyone here reconciled with their spouse who was in an LTA?

[This message edited by Sereneaspiration at 2:46 AM, December 5th (Saturday)]


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sereneaspiration... I'm 15 months out from dday. Yes, I made a decision to reconcile. It has not been easy for me and anyone here on the LTA board. It is about your spouse now knowing what a marriage commitment means. Itís about you having the ability to forgive and live in today. Itís about you making a choice to love your spouse and your spouse making the choice to love you. Itís about you controlling only the things you can control, and not him. Itís about placing your future in the hands of God and living again.

It is my opinion, in the short time you have made a choice and aspirations to reconcile, it is impossible to know now if anything will work out. You nor he can expect you to, "just get over this"... He is controlling you. He did control you through making you believe a false reality. He needs help and is he willing to do what it takes? All you can do now is to try and control your mind, keep your boundaries, make a choice to love your husband and try hard to accept what happened to you. You will never be able to control what he does. Just set a boundary to respect yourself enough to never give him a third chance. God will let you know if you need to take a new serene path because sometimes a turkey vulture is what it is.

A good sign.. he quit his job!

my image for you...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:53 AM, December 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my image for Weepy...

After weeping and weeping, in time, it does become bearable

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:17 PM, December 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you trynhard and hugs to you. :-)

He really has been trying and I've seen actual growth on his part. No, I still can trust him at all, I don't know if I'll ever be able to. However, I do have some hope left.

We do get to talk to him often while he's offshore unless they're out of tower range. He calls several times a day to speak to the children and I. When we spoke last night he welled up because he wasn't able to call for two days and he really missed our children and me.

All of us are anxious for him to come home. When he is off, it'll be for two weeks a shot and then he goes off for another two. I am thrilled he chose to leave his other place of employment and even though the offshore life is hard, I don't think we could of made it had he not left his "9-5" job where the OW works.

Thanks again~Serene


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol
someone tell me how to get away from hearing of more infidelity
You cannot.


My image and words for lostsuol...
My horse, named trigger, a sea horse in my brain, my Hippocampus.
Round and round I fight it, everyday.
My love, rode that horse, I hate that, becoming input
Output now, my mind fights the world of other riders, round and round.
To fade in time is hope, but stuck forever, in long term, in my horse.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:48 AM, December 6th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sereneaspiration: welcome to our tribe...i am not a successful reconcilliation, we are still together but in name only, together for my kids...with an eventual divorce down the road, a very long road.....

there are a few successful reconcilliations after a lta, its alot of work, work that must be done by both parties and it not only is possible but probably it you both really want it, work at it and make it happen....that doesn't mean that you forget, it means you find a place for it, it means you make peace with it and find a way to accept it, and if you can forgive it eventually you will be in a place that may very well be filled with a peaceful joy....and it never means that you forget.....

from your posts it seems that you are on a good path, he sounds as though he really is doing what needs to be done and that is believe it or not half the battle...a ws needs to first admit it, then own it, then change it (actively)...a ws needs to be a new kind of support system, a very loving patient kind, open and willing....a ws needs to be truthful at all times, showing tact as he/she does so.....the most important factor is mutual love and respect...and the love must be a true down deep real kind....because on this treacherous road you will need to draw on that love time and time again....

o.k. coming down from my soapbox of dreams now, dreams for me...reality for you...

and anytime you need to ramble, rant, vent or anything else we are always here, we get quiet in here from time to time, but we do always show up...


tryn: love the art with the accompanying stories and i love that you are doing what you love even more....

((((weepy)))) i feel your pain, i wish i didn't but i do...sometimes life just sucks, so feel it and try to let it go, holding on to all it brings only brings more crappy feelings, and we deserve so much better then crap..don't you think? and yes i know its so much easier said then done, it always is!! and that sucks too...

and i say plan that wedding without him and just inform him of what he needs to know..and let him know that that is just the way that cookie crumbled, it will save you and your d so much aggravation... and most important...tune him out, really tune him out...and that one really is easier as it goes, i am married to a man who needed to be involved in way too much, with no real interest and too many others interests mattered, i learned how to affectively tune him out, i would walk away, repeatedly because he would always follow, lock myself in a room..think about something funny and sometimes i would really find him funny because his comments were always so absurd i would laugh, i would laugh at him, to him and with myself, i also learned how to ignore him....that part was not always easy but i did it...i even invented ways of making light of his shit, for instance at the dinner table he always had something to say to my kids, they didn't chew with their mouths closed, their elbows were on the table, their latest test scores..etc...well one day i had had enough i crumpled up my napkin and told him that he needed something, so i threw it at him, when he shut up and looked at me with such shock i started to laugh and said something like "ah, much better, silence can not only be golden but preferred", or i would tell him that he needed to be shot by a napkin, any comment that would catch him off guard and it worked..eventually it turned into napkin wars with my kids, had to put some rules in place because thay would get out of hand, but dinners started to become fun again instead of how can pfm ruin dinner and our moods...o.k. enough of me go on and on and on...sorry about that...


lostsoul: i do think that to look at how others have behaved as he did would be hard, for anyone to really look at how much damage they have done to another human being is not easy, accepting this cold hard reality is not easy, and looking at these celebrities is like looking in a mirror, most people dont want to see their ugly...its too painful for them, its ackowlegding something that they did that was wrong on so many levels, i really think that is why so many ws's deny, it just easier not to face it, facing ones issues can be life altering and should be life altering and not too many people have what it takes....

and acceptance is so key for all of us bs's...acceptance and forgiveness are 2 totally different entities and forgetting is not included in either....

we need to accept that which we cannot change....

ukgirl:

Why tell him about her and Facebook?


so that you will no longer worry about what may or may not happen, so that you won't have to think about it, i say tell him and be done with it, i say tell him and tell him to put a block because that is WHAT YOU NEED...and shouldn't it be about what you need at this point...i say tell him and be done with it....

and

Miracle, I can understand your reluctance to have sex with pfm, but what about just a hold. Just looking for the man you thought he was, not naked or anything, touch is so important. I know that denying my H touch is the most hurtful thing I can do.

he is not the man i thought he was, that man was a fantasy...and yet touch is important, but again not an option....every aspect of our life togther has been tainted, even ALL of the sexual stuff...because she was always there, and for the longest time i was nothing more then a hole and i didn't even know it, i will never be that again...and for the touching, i don't care what he needs, i need touching too..but not from him....never again from him....this marriage is for my kids and only for my kids and that is the way it will stay...the only fringe benefit for me is that i don't have to worry financially, the only thing he was ever really good for....and even there he's fucked up....but at least i didn't have to worry about money....

this month is a bad one for me, way way too many triggers, and the fact that its xmas time just makes it all the worse...but i will get through it, i will concentrate on my kids, on my anything else but him.. but every once in a while i may need to come here a vent away some of my fustration so that i get all that toxic shit out....so i am apologizing in advance for when i do not make sense or i ramble on and on, you all know where it comes from....

as always
(((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much pain. I'm so sorry.

My H shocked me Friday night. We were watching our daughter change our 14-month-old grandson's diaper. He was doing what little boys do and grabbing his penis when his diaper was off.

My H said under his breath to me, "Now you see why men have A when they don't get enough sex at home." WTF???

I was so shocked he said that to me that I couldn't even talk about it for a couple of hours. Dumbass! Hasn't he learned ANYTHING from all the years of IC, MC, crying, yelling, HURTING???

He was cognizant that I wasn't acting normally and asked me later what was wrong. I told him, and he apologized. But I also told him that it scares me that he would even think much less say such a thing to me.

He has ALWAYS had a problem with talking before he thinks. He has gotten better, but sometimes he just doesn't think. I know he was sorry he said what he said, but honestly, sometimes, I could bean him.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 12:02 PM, December 6th (Sunday)]


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fairyfreind: yes your husbands response to a baby touching his penis is off the wall....sometimes they say the dumbest dumbass things...he could have been projecting, it could have reminded him of something or he is just out there in his views....that one is definitely one for the "what did he say" books.....

i too am married to an idiot when it comes to talking, come to think of it he is an idiot at many things, all the things that really matter anyways...


i was reading a book about synchronicity, how there are no accidents, how things are meant to be...i had to put it down, it wasn't doing anything for me except fueling me in bad ways....all i kept seeing in my head was how pfm was probably meant to be with ow#1...after all their time together, their chance meeting in 99, they always found their way to each other no matter what had transpired...so i started thinking that maybe they should give their relationship a true go at it, after all maybe they are destined for each other.....then my mind went to how is it that contact is non=existant...so i started questioning this, i cannot believe after the last convos i had with her and her husband she didn't call him or even him to her...its not like i have access to every phone he has access to. its not like he doesn't know her phone number, probably ingrained in his memory, he did always have a good memory for phone numbers and where places are.....

its times like this that my decision to stay in this marriage makes me have personal regrets, never family regrets but definitely personal ones...but thankfully i think that i would probably have much bigger personal ones if i had to deal with the fallout from my dd16 (manchild)....who has been a mass of temper tantrums and attitude,

i feel so sad it seems so often, i was doing so well before this month got here....too much reflection i am doing...need to let it go and move forward....there is no use in reflecting anymore...so i look forward to a future where he is no longer here.....

he is having a birthday on thurs....whoopeefuckindooo.....so many birthdays and anniversaries he had ruined for me, so many birthdays and anniversaries i saw him acknowlegde for his foo without fail, but he always failed me....no matter i stil used to do the right thing....to a certain extent i will still have to do the right thing, but i no longer have to do anything special, those days are over.....so over and i find even that sad, i find so many things sad....the tears just keep coming, i take deep breaths, i try to breathe through it and i try to let it pass, actually i will it to pass...he is not worth anymore of my tears, even though i know i am really crying for me and not for him...just so sad....

o.k. ramble over....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you are grieving for yourself and what you lost. I'm sorry.

I will also say that just because you read something in a book most emphatically does NOT make it so! That is something I teach my writing students because people tend to believe what they read in books. Remember what you read is simply that person's opinion. More likely your H was addicted to the illicitness, the drama, the secrecy more than actually giving a hairy rat's ass about OW.

When I confronted my H with the A, he was literally shocked that it had gone on for so long. He really had no idea. Of course to me, that was preposterous. How could he not have known that he had been involved with OW for over four years? But I don't believe he did because I think he was just going along with the flow and doing what he was good at--NOT THINKING.

When we went back for IC and MC a couple of years ago, he told me that he wasn't used to all this thinking. It made his head hurt. He was serious. I believe not thinking has caused him MANY, MANY problems over the years. He used to tell me that I over analyze, and it is entirely possible that I do, especially given that my way of manifesting my OCD is mostly mental; however, that does not mean that he was thinking enough.

He does think more than he used to. I have seen the positive evidence, but he hasn't gotten to the point I hope he some day reaches. I will say that I have been quite ill the past few days with some flu bug or other. On Saturday I absolutely had to go to class because it was the last class before my students' final exam period, and I had to return essays to them. Not only did he offer to and drive me to class, but he carried my book bag and handed out papers to my students. I didn't even have to ask for his help. He offered it willingly. In years past, it simply would not have occurred to him to offer his help.

Sad, huh?

Take care of yourself, iwam. Remember that if you are feeling too depressed that you may need/want to talk to your IC about your feelings.

Huge hugs,

ff

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 11:09 AM, December 7th (Monday)]


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fairyfriend,
That has to be one of the most stupidest dumbassest things I have heard in awhile.
And to defile your grandson like that.

Anyway, theres a huge difference between Mb'ing (tho that was not what your grandson was doing!)and having a A - or cant he tell?

****

((((lostsuol))))))

Pls forgive my terrible memory - are you in IC?
Have you spoken about your thoughts?
I would encourage you to continue to find activities and people who bring joy and optimism into your life. sometimes when our spouses are either not willing or able to do that for us at any level, we HAVE to do it for ourselves or else crumble. You have so much inside of positive qualities inside ofyou - Give to yourself, LS. As I am learning to.

***
Shirley,
Thank you for your kind words.
And where the heck is FNF?
Fnf, get in here, young lady!

***
Miracle,
I think you should do something really special for your H's bday...something for YOU!
A nice bracelet? A pamper treat?

***
Tryn and Dipstick,
We would never try to run you guys away. Your male perspectives are always interesting.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Accidental doublepost.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 6:17 PM, December 7th (Monday)]


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree! I wasn't going to say anything right away because I was so taken aback, and I didn't want to say anything within my daughter's hearing range, as she didn't hear what he said to me.

I am amused when my grandson grabs his penis. He is so cute, and obviously he isn't M'ing.

I did fuss at H later--plenty!


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thabk you tryn for the beautiful thoughts and image.

I'll try to respond to the other notes offline then post as I'm on dial-up today.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dropping in to send hugs,

((((((LTA))))))

Wish I had more time! With the Holidays upon us, it keeps me even busier. I am worried about my Dad, he is 90, and just plain tired of being here... just wants to join my Mom-and the holidays really depress him.

Just so much going on that it's hard to gather my thoughts... nothing A related anyway. Just life.

(((((IWAM))))

So sad to hear your sad... I am around if you need to talk.

Welcome newbies and I am keeping everyone in my thoughts... when I can find them!

Will catch up later, I hope.

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
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