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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,
However, one concern is that the more I focus on me the less I feel for him, KNIM? I don't *need* him as much so I don't *feel* as much. I am sure this is some dynamic that goes back to childhood and is another issue that I will need to work on but it just feels weird

I actually think that might be liberating for you. You dont "need" him, so you dont feel that you are obliged to "have" him. Maybe this will lead on to you wanting him for wants sake, not needs/obligation sake, KWIM?
Ok now I am confused.

***
older Tribe,
I dont know if any of you followed the "is this as good as it gets" thread a few weeks ago, but it got me thinking.

My h today is for a large part unrecognisable from the h of yesteryear. Of course some of his old traits lurk and show up at inconvenient times, but he has changed alot.

So many times during the M, I wished for a H like this one, and now I have him.

Yet,
its not enough. I want/need more, and I am sadly beginning to accept that he just cant/wont be more than he is. He thinks that he is just fine the way he is, its me who needs to be grateful for what we have and to move on; that I am holding us back. He will go to MC to help me get with the programme, and help him help me. Mmmm...

So, my question to those further out from dday is, how do you manage your expectations with the reality you now live in?
Thanks.

***
I finally succumbed and watched 'Twilight' last night.
I know I shouldnt, but boy did that made me miss my teenage years.
I guess you could go with the "wimpy Bella being manipulated by controlling Edward" storyline with scorn, or you could see a deep and passionate love story. Imagine being loved and loving like that.
Sigh.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday IWAM!

sorry it's so late but I just got to the computer.

{{{LTA}}}

H is out of town again and I'm trying not to obsess on this fact. Like others here, the A is always in the back of my mind and coming to SI when I'm home alone can be supportive yet destructive.

I really want to be doing something constructive... but I sit here and nothing gets done! Having a Fibro flare isn't helping. I'm a mess physically and emotionally. His A has knocked the wind out of me. Coping with health issues and emotions is so much more difficult now. I feel guilty for having no energy, being lethargic. ADs and pain meds don't seem to be doing much right now.

OK... end of pity party.

Tomorrow is another day.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you again for all of my birthday wishes, they mean more then words can say.....i was never one to tout my horn and usually get uncomfy when my horn is touted by people who are not like super close to me, like my kids, my mom or best friends...aquaintances, casual friends, and even my si family for some reason evoke such an amazing feeling within me when any of these people reach out to me in genuine ways...even a simple happy birthday.....how sad is that ...i laugh at myself...sometimes...the most stupid things that anybody else would think me nuts....but they are what they are...

my birthday went o.k.....my dd had completed a knitting project in her knitting club and gave me the scarf she ade, she did a great job...she also made me a card complete with a drawing of cinderalla's castle...she knows me well....manchild being his fathers son, gave me a card that was pretty simple....happy birthday mom...and that sums up that one...and the 3rd child who i ususally call scrawny boy because helooks like he is undernoursihed...gave me a card that stated...happy birthday (not even a mom. )..open the card and it reads the best of cards are as simple as possible, love scrawny boy....

of course we all cracked up....i do hope that i will eventually instill the value in these boy in making someone feel special...unlike pfm....

tryn: i must say i loved your birthday pix...and where did you come up with the horseshoes, i am actually wearing a diamond horseshoe that was given to me on my 21 st birthday, it took the place of the cross i got from pfm,, right now i do not wish to wear anything from him...i flipped out to see the horseshoes...way cool

((((hurt)))) no words..just lots and lots of hugs...beent here, a million questions with no answers that make any sense, or answers that make sense but hurt too much...

solost:

where they pretty much told H to shit or get off the pot (ok, they actually did say that!).

ok, i laughed when i read this, its so cool when a therapist trained in psychobabble uses a slag quote...and one that fits so well too....thats a great education for ya...good old fashioned common sense...


Do I have the guts to leave? Is it the right thing? Can we get through this??

all i could say is look at every option, weigh every consequence of every action or inaction....which choices have the consequences that will give you little or no regrets....and forget about the time...if you both really really want this stop trying to put a date on it, take it 1 day at a time, when you master the day at a time, then do 2 days at a time, then 3 and so on and so on....and when you have moments, or hours of triggers, or quesiton tell him what you need him to do in each circumstance giving you both the power to control your destiny...

this is what i need, if you do not meet this need i will _____....if you do meet this need it will do ______for me and ultimately for us....

that gives you a clear path to follow...and it gives him the opportunity to earn back some of what he has lost should he step up, and at the worst end, you will at least know that you were very clear with your needs, and he chose not to meet them and now whatever comes of him not doing this clears you of regret...you are taking charge of your own needs, giving him the opportunity to meet them..but you are making the decision to allow him to meet them...but preparing both yourself and him for him not meeting them....

and the consequence does not have to be drastic...it could just be that he stays at the current level of the relationship and does not get the reward of taking it further and in turn moving on...

hurtshirley:

But your life, the one you led and celebrated still exists. Be at peace with yourself that you lived the life that you could at that time and know that you did your best.

very wise words, i too am trying to find a way to look back at all those years that feel so tainted now....i keep thinking about all that was going on that i didn't know about, wondering when he wasn't there when i needed him, was he with one of them, especially #1...i had a really hard time with this one, when my grandadn died, at the time he had a beeper (this was pre-cells), i beeped 911, he never answered and i beeped several times...he was well over an hour and a half late in coming home, so i really believe he must have been with her....so this entered my mind the other day, i questioned him and the stupid man looks at me, now keep in mind this is going back about 18 years...."no, i was not with her then..."..and a few seconds later, " what day of the week was it, do you remember the date"....so suddenly he is going to remember the date, the man who couldn't remember one of his ow is going to remember a date to see whether or not he was with this woman or not... like give me a break....this memory comes and goes like the freakin wind that comes out of your ass...

sorry ramblin again..

However, one concern is that the more I focus on me the less I feel for him, KNIM? I don't *need* him as much so I don't *feel* as much. I am sure this is some dynamic that goes back to childhood and is another issue that I will need to work on but it just feels weird.

i believe this is wonderful for you, finding a way to meet your own needs is the ultimate goal...not needing him at all is a blessing, then maybe you could just enjoy each other without that pressure of meeting ones needs...but be wary because this could end up being a double edged sword...we all have basic needs that are needed from other humans....and those needs muct be met for the realtionship to be healthy..

lovin:

Gotta tell ya, you say the funniest things and make me laugh. How refreshing you are. I am very sorry that you are amongst us, but not sorry you are here! You bring and share your laughter and that is wonderful!

thank you

If I had one message to share that helped me the most it would be to live in the present... because we, BS and WS, can NEVER go back... only forward. Live for today and let the everyday miracles bring a little joy and laughter into your life. Every day is a gift!

very wise words...


tryn: your take on pre and post d-day is a great way to evaluate where you stand and help you appreciate your gains and losses....

your pix are amazing btw, i really love the one you did for ejs5, very cool interpretation...very cool indeed...and its nice to see that you are actively persuing that which you love, in more way s then one, in more ways then one...


dipstick: reading your pre and post d-day is puzzling to me on several levels,
- you had a great before and apparantly a great during

makes it kind of difficult to get a handle on it...

hb: happy belated birthday my fellow scorpio...i hope your birthday was a happy one...the big 40....those decade years always seem so damned big the older one gets..

SO, I am living out the mantra of this board- I'm focusing on ME and my kids. And realizing I can not change my H, but I can change me and how I respond or what I will or will not tolerate. Funny how easy it is to say the words but harder to live them

love this...and so true...so much harder to live the words...

and i love that you now have requirements....yay for you, standing up for yourself and what you will and will no longer accept is a really good healing step...so yay for you

lh2:

All we can do is live with what we know now and just take it as it comes. Any other idea of knowing for sure what will happen in the future, is just a fallacy.
One last thing before I get off my soapbox - instead of thinking of his wants and desires and happiness, how about thinking about yours?

and what about you lh2?

My h today is for a large part unrecognisable from the h of yesteryear. Of course some of his old traits lurk and show up at inconvenient times, but he has changed alot.

i can relate to this one, but i feel that the man he is becomming is still a work in progress and there are certain things that i do not feel have changed, and those are some of the biggest and most necessary requirements...i will borrow hb's word..has your husband made enough changes? are they changes you are willing to settle for?

my dd will be happy to hear of another person getting into twilight, yes she is one of those "fans"...

and when i told her that you were from england she said you need to check into merlin...like yesterday...

lostsoul: check into your meds, they may need to be changed...and we all have our days, sometimes it feels more like weeks with a dab here and ther with a good day, or hour or just a couple of minutes...but those are the days that you have to force yourself to get up and just do it,,,of course being ill doesn't help and you may have to wait it out til you are phyically healthy to do anything physical, but then read, read anything and everything...doesn't have to be the self help stuff, read fiction, science fiction...take up knitting...find something you can do when stuck on your ass so to speak...and FORCE yourself....eventually you will not have to force yourself, it will become routine, then find something else to add to your repertoire...(pretty sure i speled that wrong) but keep on adding, filling up your life with stuff for you....things that make you smile, think or even be creative...you'd be surprised how good that all is for the soul...maybe its time to reclaim your soul...

as always
((((tribe))))

with much love and gratitude


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a question in the General forum....
the title: Question? (very original LOL).
I was hoping some of the LTA survivors could weigh in with their opinions....
it has to do with trying to understand how my husband and the OW could completely and totally break off the affair after d-day and not look back? not once? after a 5 yr long affair? how do they do that? how can you explain that behavior?
If it was so........ important just a few days before d-day....how could it all change over night?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: i wish i had the answer to that questin myself...its almost like some kind of magic pill was taken,,,and since there is no magic pill, i have no clue...the closest i get to an answer is that the ws,if he or she is compartmentalizer, is so used to putting this op in a compartment (box)...so that he or she can continue with normal life that they put this op back in the box and just have not taken this box out....its closed shut...which to me also means that it was not dealt with, which mean eventually it will come out...

thats about as close as i could come to understanding this...and believe me i've tried, because pfm has also done this....

kind of mind boggling to say the least...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: answered you in general. It might help, it might make you angrier or sadder but this is how it broke down for my H.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal after reading some of your replies in general i too posted...not much help on answers though...

i wish i could answer it...

(((njgal)))


and i did only refer to his first lta not the second...the second one had no love, no passion...just sex...and he claims lousy sex at that...so lousy she lasted 12 years...

i would never settle for lousy sex...much less long term....just like i would never eat chef boyardee...once you've had better and are happy with better why eat shit or fuck shit.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... I liked the smashed cake in face better... Thanks for the kind words about my art... I can openly do it here and not get too embarrassed. I love a rose.. I buy my wife one rose every couple weeks just to tell her I chose to love herů I did give it to you in cyber friendship love. The horseshoes represented my beloved Indianapolis Colts football team may the good fortune of our powerful football team and the luck of the shoes be poured all over you soulů lol

njgal480 and lostsuol.. i so wish you some peace...

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:52 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2634 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwntamiracle I think you hit the nail on the head!!! My WH was compartmentalizing. Now or even when he got caught could not answer simple questions because he put them in a box and put the box away.WH still needs to deal with A & OW but he doesn't want to or he won't cause he is too stubborn to admit all the bad he has done to me and our M. I'm having a tough time dealing with a 21 year EA with X-W.I don't even feel like I have a heart anymore .WH cut it out and cut it to pieces and threw it out.


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

Happy birtday. It seems I am a day late or very early for the next one.

You said that my pre and post dd was puzzling. Of course all of us are puzzled about how our WS carried out this stuff. I think my WW was totally living the double life. I guess she was a very good compartmentalizer.

I read the stories that the BS say the WS neglected them. I never felt neglected. I read on here how much the WS has changed post DD. She quit her job and quit screwing around, but other than that my WW did not have to change.

You are right. I had a good before and a good during. Except for dealing with the A crap, I have also had a good after. We have our ups and downs, good moods and bad. We argue and bitch, but not anymore than before and during the As.

As I posted earlier, I don't buy the bad sex story in a LTA. I believe I compared it to eating spinach. Once was enough. I did not go back. Your use of the word shit is better. Somehow more attention getting.

You must have really been wound up from your birthday. Your post that shows a 12:36 am time takes up half the page! You think I ramble? Well it was your B-day so you get away with that one.

trynhard.

I liked both of the b-day cards. Very nice.

Lost Heart2.

I am pretty far out from dday. As you can see from my comments above our situations are somewhat different. I do not have a good answer to your question. I know what he said about the reasons for going to MC sound dumb. They are. Could he be justifying the MC by saying he is going just to help you? Perhaps he does not want to appear so weak that he has to have help. Us men can be cowards when it comes to showing weakness. By consenting to MC "because you need the help" he is getting to cover up his fear by being the protector. We like being the protector.

njgal.

It is strange how they do that. Miracle gave a good answer here. I have not read the answers in the general forum.

I read on here a statement by a member that kind of applies. It went something like this. After Dday the BS only wants to look at the time pre Dday, while the WS only wants to look at the time post Dday.

I know that is not the exact quote. I need to see if I can find the original.

lostsuol.

I hope today is better.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chic:

WH still needs to deal with A & OW but he doesn't want to or he won't cause he is too stubborn to admit all the bad he has done to me and our M.

same here, but diff reason...pfm claims that he did deal with "her", that he now realizes that he never really loved her, and that all feelings for this woman are gone...just like that...

well that is something that just is not possible by any stretch of the imagination..sound alot like denial to me...30 years of loving this woman do not just disappear...


dipstick:

yes i was up late on my birthday, i am such a party animal... ...

and yes i have the incurable dipstickitis.. can't say i didn't warn you..

and when i purge like that, the release is so cool....and since i do not have a sexual release right now, ramblin is all i have...so deal with it..

You are right. I had a good before and a good during. Except for dealing with the A crap, I have also had a good after. We have our ups and downs, good moods and bad. We argue and bitch, but not anymore than before and during the As.

did she ever give you a reason why she strayed and for so long? and if i had asked before i am sorry , my memory is fogged, and its terminal.. ...eventually things sink in though

tryn: thanks for my wish ...and my dd17 also loved the cake pic..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it me or do any of you feel like your WS abandoned you for all those years? My WH said he felt sorry for her and she needed his help. She's been married 4 times and her current H should be taking care of her .So who was taking care of me all those years?I had cancer and my Mom was in the hospital at the same time ,my WH didn't give her up to devote his energy and care on me ,WH was too busy taking care of her. I hate my life, I feel lost and empty. I need someone to love and take care of me. I know God has a plan for all of us but why does it have to hurt so much?


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((chicstyler)))) I have those same questions. My H says he felt needed...she was divorced and needed a man around to do things for her. Yeah. But I drove myself to teh hospital with a kidney stone and took care of sick kids alone at night while you fucked her. What about what we needed? So frustrating. And unchangeable. Nothin will ever change the fact that they did these awful things to us. The past will never, ever be different than it was. We need to look to the future for our own well being.

So hard to keep up here! I'm trying again though because I miss you all and the support you give.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a quick good morning as I have to leave for IC shortly... bracing myself for -9C and waiting at the bus stop.

Thanks Miracle for your support and dipstick too.

Back later to catch up better. {{{LTA}}} in the meantime.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

That is a good excuse to ramble. I won't even try to argue with that reasoning.

To refresh your memory, after her nervous breakdown, and her IC, the A has been a closed subject. I can't remember the time line, but I did get a little info.

This pertains to the LTA. When I asked how it started, she said after several attempts, he finally got to her during a very vulnerable time. When I asked why she did this, she said because she was sick. She said the IC told her she was running from her troubles. She agreed with that. That is all I got from her.

She is very insecure with low self esteem. A classic example of one of the reasons WSs cheat. I know that he was a serial cheater and would be clasified as a sexual predator. He knew how to stroke her ego and all the other stuff, that is necessary to score.

Lets say she is a artist, (she is not), and painted me a picture. I could tell her for 50 days in a row how much I liked the painting, but if on day 51 I told her I thought the shadows were a wee bit off, she would most likely toss the painting in the trash.

The point to that is this. No matter how much I praised or compliment her, she would take the smallest bit of criticism to heart. One critical comment will erase 50 positive comments. Of course since the A is a big vacation from reality, the OM had nothing to be critical about. Her does not make critcal comments, puts out praise, so she puts out.

I think she quit him because she found out, surprise! surprise!, that he was seeing a few OW. That is right. He could cheat on his wife with her, but when he cheated on her it was wrong. I don't know that for sure, but she did tell me that he saw another woman. When she told me that she had a look and tone of extreme hate. During this TT session is when OM#3 surfaced. I think OM#3 was a RA against OMM#2 OMM#2 did know OM#3.

It is a wonder that I did not choke her after that TT info. To say I got pissed that day is a understatement. She was scared, sobbing, remorseful etc. A real mess. I have no doubt, she wanted to die. That is the confession day that put her over the edge and into the breakdown.

chicstyler & So Lost

It really does hurt. Keep coming her for advice and support. It will help you.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((chic)))

i cant say i blame you for feeling that way...for me it a little different, i wasn't abandoned...i would have had pfm to call my own at some point and i never did...the man was not faithful for a single day....

and for the hurting...thats simple...you loved...when the love is not returned in the same way it hurts...

you need to take care of you and love yourself...you need to do that before anyone else can....and that holds true for ANYONE at any point...

solost: i only recently have a half a brain to try and keep up, but them memory runs short...so don't bother, post away anyway, especially post your stuff....ramblin really helps...when you ramble you purge...and getting it out and not keeping it in a good step towards healing...


you know there are so many damned steps to healing, one would think we are climbing to the tallest of tall....


lost soul....have to say it was 61 here, sunny and wonderful...yay...but i know only too well how quick that can change...

hope your ic went well...

dipstick:

To refresh your memory, after her nervous breakdown, and her IC, the A has been a closed subject.

i remember now, and you have not since wanted to push her....because you were afraid of pushing her towards another mental breakdown....that has to so damned fustrating...not to have answers i am living with and its extraorinarily fustrating, but at least every now and then i could throw out a question and know that i will not send him down this path of depression destruction...although throwing out the questions i have learned is a waste of time, because he in incapable of being forthright about anything...and i keep trying to convince myself that because this marriage is over that it doesn't matter....but i am not doing a good job, i still want to know everything...and i never will....and i am still disappointed that he still can't provide me with any answers...and i don't know why i really want him too...what do i hope to gain...oh thats right...peace of mind and the ability to finally deal with all of it so that i could put it to rest...so that i could ulitmately forgive him...forgiving him is for me...it means i can let it go, and i want to let it go, its run my life without my knowlege for 23 years and for a year with my only knowing part of it....i don't want this to define me...i don't want this to be my life story but just a part of my life story....and then hell can freeze over!!!


dipstick, what about om #1...what was his story...?again forgive my memory if you had already told me prior....

btw not only is my memory poor, but my hearing matches it... ...it drives my kids NUTS...almost AWOL NUTS...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((chic)))

i cant say i blame you for feeling that way...for me it a little different, i wasn't abandoned...i would have had pfm to call my own at some point and i never did...the man was not faithful for a single day....

and for the hurting...thats simple...you loved...when the love is not returned in the same way it hurts...

you need to take care of you and love yourself...you need to do that before anyone else can....and that holds true for ANYONE at any point...

solost: i only recently have a half a brain to try and keep up, but them memory runs short...so don't bother, post away anyway, especially post your stuff....ramblin really helps...when you ramble you purge...and getting it out and not keeping it in a good step towards healing...


you know there are so many damned steps to healing, one would think we are climbing to the tallest of tall....


lost soul....have to say it was 61 here, sunny and wonderful...yay...but i know only too well how quick that can change...

hope your ic went well...

dipstick:

To refresh your memory, after her nervous breakdown, and her IC, the A has been a closed subject.

i remember now, and you have not since wanted to push her....because you were afraid of pushing her towards another mental breakdown....that has to so damned fustrating...not to have answers i am living with and its extraorinarily fustrating, but at least every now and then i could throw out a question and know that i will not send him down this path of depression destruction...although throwing out the questions i have learned is a waste of time, because he in incapable of being forthright about anything...and i keep trying to convince myself that because this marriage is over that it doesn't matter....but i am not doing a good job, i still want to know everything...and i never will....and i am still disappointed that he still can't provide me with any answers...and i don't know why i really want him too...what do i hope to gain...oh thats right...peace of mind and the ability to finally deal with all of it so that i could put it to rest...so that i could ulitmately forgive him...forgiving him is for me...it means i can let it go, and i want to let it go, its run my life without my knowlege for 23 years and for a year with my only knowing part of it....i don't want this to define me...i don't want this to be my life story but just a part of my life story....and then hell can freeze over!!!


dipstick, what about om #1...what was his story...?again forgive my memory if you had already told me prior....

btw not only is my memory poor, but my hearing matches it... ...it drives my kids NUTS...almost AWOL NUTS...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...i will borrow hb's word..has your husband made enough changes? are they changes you are willing to settle for?

Miracle,
Yes my H has made many changed which, predday, I would have been extremely grateful for. However, as you can sense from my latest bout of angst, I am questioning whether this is enough not only for me, but for our family as well.

I cant change him. I have let go of that fantasy.
Instead I am focusing on changing myself.
I am trying to make my own happiness, by building up my career and trying to heal myself. I dont want to be acarrying this same baggage in 10 years time. I am seeing to my health because I believe strongly that my physical health had a huge impact on my mental health and vice versa. Instead of caring only for my family, I am learning how to care for myself too.

***
Dipstick,
My H has never been a protector. That was my role. However in the last year, prob as his confidence as a H and F grew, he is showing that he can be a protector.
I still dont see him in that role though, neither do the children. I guess it would take us some time.

And re using the excuse of helping me to go to MC...I dont think so. I thing he genuinely thinks that he is ok and that its me who has the problem...after all, I am the one who is unhappy and brings it up every few months. Thanks for answering.

***

Is it me or do any of you feel like your WS abandoned you for all those years?

Chic, you were abandoned. Despite this, you made it on your own.

I hate my life, I feel lost and empty. I need someone to love and take care of me

Chic, I remember how hard that first year is. I remember feeling totally and utterly lost. I Even though I was really alone during the M, I never felt as alone as I did after dday.
Is your H being supportive at all?
(((((Chic)))))

***

i still want to know everything...and i never will....and i am still disappointed that he still can't provide me with any answers...and i don't know why i really want him too...what do i hope to gain...oh thats right...peace of mind and the ability to finally deal with all of it so that i could put it to rest.

Miracle,
At some point, you are going to have to accept that there is no way that you are going to know everything. Nobody could. The feelings, the words, the gestures...I dont think anybody, even your h, would be able to remember. How can you recreate a relationship in hindsight? So much will be subjective. I bet the OW have their own diff recollection of what happened too.

When you say he cant give you any answers, do you mean any at all, or that his answers are not satisfactory?

Do you really think you would get peace of mind if you knew everything? (believe me, i can truly appreciate the irony of ME saying this..me who obessessed over this in the first 2 years! )
Like a wise woman here told me, what more do you need to know:
My H was never faithful. He has inappropriate relationships with OW. he had a 12 y LTA with one,and a 2.5 y LTA with another, and who knows what with others, as his boundaries were painfully unstable.
There may have been others but until something crops up to indicate this, I wont know. He was not a good H or F. He was in a word a 100% jerk.

What more do I need to know about the past to move forward? Isnt what I know enough? I think so.

***
I went through some old pics with my sister today, and boy, they still hurt. I am really looking forward to the day when they dont, so that I can put them in an album.

***
(((((Tribe)))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal,
I liked Shirley's and Run's responses to your question in G.

As pathetic as it sounds, thats prob how it went. Like your H (and mine)said, its impossible to explain, as it was all crazy.

Which in no way makes us feel better, does it?
Surely something that had such a monumental effect on us, would have better reasoning than it was a habit which was dying to be broken or the lurrve just faded out. But I suspect not.

I noticed some of the responses might have hurt you - please ignore them as some people are hurting themselves and speak from that place of hurt. you know what is going on in your M.

Take care.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2:

At some point, you are going to have to accept that there is no way that you are going to know everything. Nobody could. The feelings, the words, the gestures...I dont think anybody, even your h, would be able to remember. How can you recreate a relationship in hindsight? So much will be subjective. I bet the OW have their own diff recollection of what happened too.


i already accept that there is no way to know everything, what i have a hard time accepting is his lack of fessing up to anything...so in retrospect i still want him to come through, which is such a fools errand..

When you say he cant give you any answers, do you mean any at all, or that his answers are not satisfactory?


he cannot give me any answers i believe because he has blocked as much as possible...i have things and writings that i have found and he is totally blank...also his words and timelines do not match, and i never did recieve one timeline that has it all, i've gotten timeline after timeline of lies and omissions...

and like i said earlier, i am having a horrible time accepting that he wont do this...it just makes me so damned angry...all his professions mean absolutley nothing and he never stops professing..NEVER

Do you really think you would get peace of mind if you knew everything?

yes a part of my mind will finally rest, its that nagging little voice that needs to see the puzzle of her life completed...

so healing without this just makes my journey all the more difficult, long and arduous...but heal i will.....even if it kills him or me..

I believe strongly that my physical health had a huge impact on my mental health and vice versa. Instead of caring only for my family, I am learning how to care for myself too.

i agree wholeheartedly...

and for you looking through pictures, i can understand looking back on what you thought you had and never did...the very thread that held you to each other and to your marriage has not only been cut, but completely destroyed...and only a new thread can be put in its place...so can you in affect start over and put it all behind you, begin anew as if you were meeting for the first time...letting go of the ugly and even the good, because it really is ALL tainted now...

this i know i cannot do, i cannot get over what he's done, especially what he's done since d-day, still choosing all his ow over me, protecting them, protecting himself and choosing to live with his fears of being outed over his fears of losing me...the greater fear is still not with me, its with him and his lies...and his op's....very sad for him, and once again his loss....i lost a fantasy of what i thought i had...he lost the real deal!!!!

it was a very long day....a few lousy triggers...can't seem to get away from them, everywher i go, there is her name and today it was linked with his...someone, somewhere is sending me a message...i keep yelling back i got it, i got it....so stop sending it again and again....like a broken record....need to smash that record.....and i will....

gotta go....life is calling...


as always
(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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