Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey njgal and menow,
maybe i should keep it to myself and not have the pityfest—
I’m sure this is not good for a R… I think it’s better to make sure your spouse knows your feelings….

I told my wife over and over, “I feel scared you will want to have Op, again.. I feel sad because I still hurting thinking about it, I feel disappointed that you gave your emotions to OP” and also at the same time… I chose to love you. I feel happy when you hold me and touch me, if brings me comfort and places my stomach at ease...” I tell my wife my physical mental “feelings”… give an analogy of those feelings, something she might can relate to….. I “vent” to my friends and here.

I honestly believe that if you share feelings with one another, take a position that you chose to love that person and your spouse makes same commitment, it will change your relationship to the better. You must share both good and bad feelings.

Just Tuesday, I text my wife while on biz trip that I was feeling down. I was feeling down because I because I just want “one day” not thinking about the betrayal… that and I also know I have not given it all on my job. She called me right away. I didn’t expect that. I told her I wanted to feel like a Lion and just have not felt powerful, solid, great like I once felt. She tried to make me feel better by telling me that I was a Lion… and that we are going to have a lot of fun this weekend. See… I chose to love her and still share my feelings. It feels good to know your spouse is trying hard to love you too.

The unloving way might by texting this… I still feel like shit because you cheated on me and this is causing me to do a crappy job at my work.
Your feelings are your feelings…. So OK… I guess what I am trying to say is you have shared your feelings with your spouse, you are not keeping them bottled inside, stewing the pity fest. But do it in a loving way. Although you may or may not get the desired reaction from you spouses, at least you chose to release your emotions and did it in a non-accusatory, non threatening way that is really demonstrating love.

Iwant… For me, I have never been the angry type person and pretty laid back. But I saw a new report that folks that can express anger live longer. Hey, you might live until your over 100! I think that is an emotion, if kept in check, is a feeling you need to show... even to someone you love. I’m glad you got mad at your H for making eye’s about another woman. Obviously, he just "flat out" doesn’t get it and thus your stance of no R. I understand.

UKgirl… Hummm?? Him walking out with a word… I have one word… “Controlling” A loving way would have been to wait for you to get off the phone. Then, say good bye.

Oh well, Sorry in advance to you fine ladies. I’m practicing being more loving I guess… LOL.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:55 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve had a quick catch up on the postings but no time to reply. I’m off for a few days away. I’m not in a good place, so I could do with taking some tribe vibes with me. Honestly, I don’t get what’s wrong with me right now. I’m not in IC, maybe that’s the problem. And I’m having the most weird and disturbing dreams that I can’t shake for some time after waking.

So, time away might do me good.

(((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Uk.. in my prayers... Have a good trip and think positive!

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with talking about the affair.... needing o still talk about 'things'... is tricky.
In my case, New Years will be 3 yrs since d-day. That's a long time to think about something on a daily , almost constant, basis.
That has been me...
Initally, we did separate...and husband immediately stopped drinking, went to AA, went IC (for 1 and 1/2 yrs.)...I went to IC.. then we tried MC . After 5 months of separation he moved back home...we had the hysterical bonding... etc. etc.
My husband did answer alot of questions early on... I needed all the details..
But, he never ever volunteered any information...ever. It was always pulled out of him or he was forced to address something after I got my hands on emails (from the OW's husband) or phone records or credit card bills or confirmations of hotel reservations. Then..he would talk.
I understand on some level that 3 years of asking is a long time...
and maybe at this point I need to realize that he will never be able to tell me what I am hoping to hear...
and maybe I need to finally accept that it happened......

But, as all of you know... long term affairs are different then short term or ONS. They are heartbreaking and very difficult to get over.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480... You S'd and are now back so that set you back some time... so what 3 years is coming...

What do you need to know? It's hard because I still think about it everyday, but what more is really needed to know? They "thought" they loved the OP and had sex... reality was they were cake eaters... controllers. That's who the were...

But today we have choosen to stay and try to R... thus give it 100%. we choose to love. That gives us the power to decide and power over ourselves... you chose to do this...

or not.

and of course they don't volunteer. Do you volunteer info when you make a mistake at work? Think about when you betray God... and your spouse. It will take a very special person to admit all...

Have you tried to start having some fun? Take him out to dinner... to whatever.. Use him for awhile to play with...

We selected weak poor spouses and all we can do is hope they want us and are not serial cheaters... and they might be too... so we decide what to do when or if that happens...

Peace..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I think happened with meis that ... he was so.... remorseful immediately after d-day... crying, begging for me to take him back.
he changed so many things about himself- AA etc.
And..he kept repeating that he loved only me and the OW meant nothing to him.
so... I think I bought into that line. I believed him.
And then... as time went on and more facts came out....
it just didn't fit together.
What he said about the OW meaning nothing to him and his actions...they just didn't match.
So, I think I'm practically at step one- I still have not accepted that this happened. I was reconciling with a man who had a purely sexual affair for 5 yrs.
Meanwhile, as more time passes, the reality of it all is hitting me.
Therre is no way that it was only sex! Not with what happened, how often they saw each other, the details of what they did together.
I think that is what is getting to me.
And..the fact that my husband refuses to admit to this.
I think he is lying to himself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480... Oh course he is lying to himself. It's because if you would have betrayed God, yourself and your wife, you do things, think things that somehow try and move forward...trying to think of yourself in some good... some normal... Maybe he knows that real love is you and not what he was doing... in other words, he liked the sex and but the true real love is you... so he must tell himself that the emotional side was not real, it was fake, not suppose to be.

Just a couple weeks ago, my wife said, "many people have A's". I thought, I don't give damn about that, that is bull shit. I decided to love her and "just looked at her" In a way, Waywards need to somehow think, "it's not the end of the world" although when facing death and god, I don't know?

I think you need to somehow let that go. In reality, what is happening today? now. Accept he controlled you, don't let him do it anymore, you don't control him, accept he was not a good man back then but now is trying everything to be a good man and husband.. and you focus on yourself being a good wife.

peace with you N... I have a vision in my head and going to when I get back home, gonna draw it...

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:17 AM, November 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,

You have been getting some good advice. I want to comment concerning what you said about how for a while you thought the LTA was just sexual.

My WW's first A was a 2 night stand. On DD#2 I only viewed this A as a short term thing. I never considered it was a LTA. While getting TT one day, WW fessed up to 8 yr LTA. I have to say that this revelation was a major kick in the gut. That info was just about as much a surprise as finding out about the A.

I admit to being dense at times, but I think that some of this is probably the minds defense mechanisms at work. For quite some time I still saw this only as a sex A. I knew they had dinner meetings, and that she had called more than once, while out of town on business, to tell me that she had to stay an extra day or two, to work. Of course, slowly, I realized that this was more than a series of ONS that lasted 8 yrs. It had to be more than sex.

You are right. This is what makes the LTA such a kick in the ass. There is just so much extra to learn and process.

Our defense mechanisms protect us from overloading on more info than we can handle. I guess, in a way, we trickle truth ourselves. I had never thought of this in quite this way. A big excuse WSs give for TT is that they were trying to protect their BS. I guess they are making themselves into the BSs defense mechanism. This is where trynhard is going to say, "Bull S, they are just trying to control you."

lostsuol,

I agree. I am amazed how these BSs handle all of this crap while trying to raise a family. I can't imagine the extra problems involved. On the flip side, ( there are always two sides ), maybe the distraction helps sometimes.

UKgirl.

Are you on any different meds? I was on something new once. I started having all kind of weird dreams/nightmares. I also could not easily shake them. I read the warnings and that was one of the side effects. I stopped the meds and the dreams stopped. I think it was a sleep aid.

I need to stop this ramble. I think I am getting miricaleitis.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

olddipstick.... so true... I was trickel truthing myself!

and now... almost 3 yrs later the real truth is hitting me!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((lh2)):

Your relationship with your friend makes me nervous;
Your H hit on her whilst he was m'd to you; she did not tell you in all these years you have been with her. So she and your H were complicit in this secret.

i admit that when she first tried to tell me something, i could see her wheels turning...you know when someone is looking towards the side of the head, litterally trying to bring up a memory...well when she did tell me, my first thought was why didn't she tell me this way back when...but i didn't say anything to her right away, but i did eventually and i really do believe her...i do not want to do into the specifics, but i can say that he only tried once to kiss her and she rebuffed him, and he never went near her again...she put it away in her mind, their relationship changed from him trying to looking at her as a "train buddy", and this phrase is something he told me about at the time, he was open about having a train buddy with me, there were 4 of them, and i was not the jealous type, his so-called friendship was out in the open, so i thought, i just didn't know about her til it changed from someone of interest to the "buddy", and because she and i didn't become freinds til a couple of years after that...she says she honestly never gave it a second thought, she never saw him hit on anyone else and he never hit on her again....so the incicdent went way back into the far reaches of her memory...and it was only after finding out that there were multiple women that something triggered in her and she remembered and she told me right away....and she said because she was a bs at the time, she would never ever go there with a married man...

i did question her several times and got everything that had transpired between them...of course pfm gave me nothing and of course does not even remember he claims trying to kiss her..

its things like this that make believe that there is so much more then what he's already admitted to....i do not care that he passed his poly, he passed his poly saying that he truly did not remember ow #4, trying to kiss my friend among a few other things...so what else is there a memory lapse on...that and he still ies about the most stupid stuff...if he can't tell the truth on the little shit the big shit defineitly isn't going to come out....that poly meant nothing....

What am I doing on the antiversary? Havent thought about it - H would def not remember. I think I would like to remember how far I have come from that woman who was smashed to teeny pieces 3 years ago. I want to focus on the positive things in my life, KWIM?

focusing on how far you've come is a great idea...you are not that woman you were and do not forget that, you are making strides every single day...and you should make strides and never stop learning about who you are, where you came from and where you want to go every single day...being able to look back, but focus on the present and look forward to the future is how one should live thier life....

the past cannot be changed...accepting it and living in the present is all one can do...living in the past in unproductive, it doesn;t mean we should forget it, but we need to live in the present for the future...

((lostsoul)):

Being with my dd & grandson seems the only time I'm free

then start here and focus on whats good in your life....

what else though are you doing?

((ukgirl)):

I’m not in a good place, so I could do with taking some tribe vibes with me. Honestly, I don’t get what’s wrong with me right now. I’m not in IC, maybe that’s the problem. And I’m having the most weird and disturbing dreams that I can’t shake for some time after waking.

So, time away might do me good.

i am so sorry that you are not in a "good place"...i think you know on some level that you should be in ic, so do it...and where would you go, and how would you spend your time there?...will it be intrumental in your healing and dealing....?

((njgel)):

tryn has hit right on:

Oh course he is lying to himself

they lie to themselves almost as much as they lie to us, maybe even more, its how they live with what they have done or do...

facing who you are when who you are has caused so much pain, when facing the consequences, when seeing themselves through our eyes...of course they lie!!!

its when they face all of what they have done, own it, without excuse or justification....that you know that they "get it" and true healing can commence on both sides...so because most of the ws's cannot do this is where we have to heal ourselves....which does not help the relationship you are still trying to preserve....this really cannot be done alone....

reconcilliation is a 2 way street, its a 2 person verb...without 2 people doing and giving everything they can reconcilliation will never succeed in the true sense of the word....this is really hard work, the hardest work one can do, see who you are without rose colored glasses and admit to it and then change it....

and yes tryn we have selected poor weak spouses....only we didn't know it....


and in dipsticks words:

need to stop this ramble. I think I am getting miricaleitis.

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ukg)))))

Sending you buckets of white light, my friend. If you coming down my side, we can do tea!

When are you getting onto an IC? You know I am going to nag until you do.
Seriously tho, I will be completely bereft without my IC. So please get on it.

***

((((njgal)))))

I suggest that you go back into IC to help you through this. I have these moments when it hits me what those LTAs really mean, and whilst I can deal with them intellectually, emotionally its a different matter.

What does it feel like for you?

***

I think I am getting miricaleitis

Oooohhh, you asked for that one, Miracle.


***

We selected weak poor spouses and all we can do is hope they want us and are not serial cheaters

Tryn, it is true that we chose weak spouses and that is something I am addressing in IC. However I am the point where my hope lies not whether he wants me, but whether I want him, KWIM?

And tryn, I look forward to seeing your next picture.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,
Thank you for clearing it up re your friend. I think I got a little over protective there.

***
It must be the season for bad dreams cos I had one last night re H and OW#1 - and something hit me.
Whilst we were trying to convince our parents to allow us to marry and going through hell dec 1996, he had been trying to have sex with OW#1.
Gosh, when I think of these things, i feel like a right fool. I tried to talk to him about it and he refused. I sent him a txt saying that reminded me why I dont reach out to him anymore. And thats true, I dont. Apart from help with the children and house, I dont ask him for anything for me personally, unless he volunteers. Even last week when i was so ill. I get comments at work about how my H must be caring for me and I smile and let them think that. If they only knew. No wonder I would rather be at work keeping busy then in bed.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, me again.

I have to get this out.
I heard this song this morning and it made me ache, as I re-wrote it in my head. wish i had the guts to tell H, but then he would accuse me of being "unpleasant" and not wanting to get over this.

Maybe you didn't treat me
Quite as good as you should have
Maybe you didn't love me
Quite as often as you could have
Little things you should have said and done
You just never took the time
I was never on your mind
I was never on your mind

Maybe you didn't hold me
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess you never told me
You’re so happy that I am yours

You made you feel second best
Are you so sorry you were blind?
I was never on your mind
I was never on your mind

Tell me, tell me that my sweet love hasn't died
I cant give you one more chance to keep me satisfied, satisfied

Little things you should have said and done
You just never took the time
I was never on your mind
I was never on your mind

***
Njgal,
I read your thread.
there is no "should" in LTA land; every case is different. We all heal in our own time.

and maybe at this point I need to realize that he will never be able to tell me what I am hoping to hear...
and maybe I need to finally accept that it happened......

I think you hit it on the head with that one. Acceptance is a difficult satge (I plan on fighting it all the way! ); it means accepting things greater than just that your h had sex with somebody else (although thats bad enough). I think it would mean different things to different people. Like I asked previously, what does it mean to you? What are you afraid of?

(((((njgal)))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question Lost heart...what am I afraid of?
I need to think about that for awhile before I answer....
The thing that jumps out to me right away is that I am afraid that accepting that my husband actually had feelings for this skank of a woman then it basically negates my entire life.
I know that may sound over- dramatic but I devoted my life to being a mother and a wife (yes I had a career but that was the center of my world), and... I stayed for all those years eventhough he was a functional alcoholic and gave me a lot of grief over the years due to his addiction....I stayed. And, kept fighting for my family... doing everything in my power to give my kids a good life.
And so... realizing that he thought so little of me and my efforts... negates 32 yrs of marriage (36 yrs together).
But, I will continue thinking about what I am afraid of.
Someone else asked me.... why am I holding on to this grief/anger etc.?
Her theory is that there is a reason why we hold onto this level of grief... that we may be getting some kind of payoff (psychologically or emotionally)...
I don't know if I buy into that theory but it is something to think about.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

realizing that he thought so little of me and my efforts... negates 32 yrs of marriage (36 yrs together

I hope that this doesnt come out as sounding too pat - his actions can not negate your actions.

I too devoted myself to being a Wife and a Mother. I made it my sole mission in life. Finding out that my H was cheating on me the whole time truly killed me. Like you said, it meant everything I had worked for, sacrificed for, all those times I turned the other cheek and prayed to God to make me a better W so that H will love me more. Every time I swallowed a retort or gulped down a choked cry so that he could still be The Man of The House.

I looked around at my life in horror - what had i done?
I was devastated not only by what he had done but what I had let him get away with all those years, in my strive to be Mrs Perfect.

Njgal,this was a turning point for me, because I realised that it was not my M I had to work on, and it was not my H I had to fix, but me. I had to turn that headlight inwards. A wise friend here told me then that I will not find any peace with what H did until I made peace with myself.

This is why I urge you to contact an IC, njgal. If you can find one who has trained in Seemorg Matrix Therapy, all the better. Although I have not personally experienced this, I have heard great things about this school.

Re what we get back from the anger/resentment... If I am going to be brutally honest, I can see that when H and I slip into this mode, which by the way is our default setting, I feel "safe".
I know where I stand; I know what to expect; I know my artillery. And it also justifies what I know about men (that they are mean horrible people who only want to hurt me). It also proves what i know about myself (that I am unworthy and deserve to be treated with disrepect and contempt).

See what 1.5 years of turning the spotlight inside does...


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check out this thread about dealing with TT as well as just communicating with WSs. I think its quite relevant to LTA'ers.It has generated some great responses.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324596


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,

Why do we hold onto grief? Here is one reason. When grieving the death of a loved one, the first times we laugh at something funny, the laughter will most often cause us feelings of guilt. Sort of a disrespect for the departed. This feeling then makes you sad and you hold onto your grief.

Getting over the A is so much like dealing with death. I think that when you start to laugh after the A you get the same feeling of guilt. Only this time you may feel guilty because you are the wronged one. Laughing is now disrespecting the wronged one. You are sort of of disrespecting your self. That is how I felt, and I have had experience with both kinds of grief. So to me there is a psy payoff to the holding onto grief

I think that holding onto this sad feeling can also be a form of punishment or retribution toward the WS. If the WS is able to see that you are happy, any guilt or pain that they might be feeling could be a little lighter. Of course for this example, the BS has to believe that the WS is in fact feeling guilt or pain.

I hope my wacky theories are of some help. I know that right now you feel you are almost back to the start of all this instead of three years out. One problem with grief is that there can be so many set backs. Remember, there can also be some big steps forward.

Sorry tribe. I am really full of it today. Miracle would probably say I am suffering from "reallyfullofititis." I think I will take the weekend off.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal:

greif is a part of this grueling process, it is the ending of your marriage as you thought you knew it, it is the an ending of your thoughts of the man you are married to...it is an unbelievable ending to life as you knew it to be...so yes you will grieve, and because the man is still there, and not physically gone, the greiving takes on an enitre life of its own...he's there, why isn't he making it better...

believe it or not this is a necessary step, in order to move on towards a new beginning of sorts you must let go of the old...

no one can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve...only you can determine how long you need to stay in this part of the process, only you can determine how you can process your greif...but process it you must do...

and it sucks, pure and simple it sucks...

when you are ready to move on, you will need to make a consious effort to do so, because it will take work and vigilance, like caring for a sick child....and it is possible...anything is possible....

i am in the middle to end of my greiving process, and trying to move it along as fast as possible....speeding it up does not work.. as my therapist says you need to let it happen, you can just wave your hands and say o.k. i'm ready, next step.....

be patient with yourself, this is devastating

be kind to yourself, you deserve it

take care of yourself, physically, spriritually and emotionally....this too is a step, the most important step...nurturing yourself...


lh2: that songs words are haunting....sad and beautiful...

dipstick:

I am really full of it today. Miracle would probably say I am suffering from "reallyfullofititis." I think I will take the weekend off.

do tell, what exactly are you full of????


and should i be scared of the answer???


and you will be missed this weekend...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, November 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping in for a visit haven't been logged in for awhile...had MC this week and it was so so...he is down on himself because he is realizing what a shit he was, he prides himself on being an honest person and is now having a hard time reconciling the lies, he is also having a hard time being around people we know...holding hands etc...he keeps thinking what if they knew...about the affair. The counselor said even the ones who do know have moved on with their own shit in their own lives so probably dont' really think about it. Nice to hear the remorse for his actions. She asked if he has asked for my forgiveness and he said how can I do that when I can't see how she will ever forgive me. So he has been moody and cranky but somethings seem to be going well...so I guess we keep plugging along. One disconcerting thing he said was isn't able to see us as working out for the long term...keep in mind he has not said I love you in 6 years to me, somedays I don't know if I will ever hear it from him. And somedays I get catty I mentioned when I heard the price of gold was so high...I wonder how many grams my wedding ring would be. Alright that is it for tonight heading to bed...will maybe stop in later this weekend:)


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5:

it sounds as though he is in a depression and can't think about anything good, it sounds like he is having trouble facing himself..not an easy task to be able to face hurting someone...

he prides himself on being an honest person and is now having a hard time reconciling the lies

bit of a contradiction in his mind, and how ironic it is!

glad to hear though that you are both working at it....

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.