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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
menow
♀ New Member
Member # 25262
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ia m trying hard to understand and figure if i am just in denial or if i really have some acceptance and understanding. LTA of maybe 25yrs seems to have some sort of maternal/mentoring purpose for my WH. i spoke with her a few times in the last few months and she seems to have valued the PA but focused on the EA. Then i found a short term, not quite a ONS and spoke to her. she says he is not a letch, conversation was friendly and respectful, etc. I like both women. and both helped me to know some things that were going on. WH is still having trouble talking about and admitting things, so I have a lot of empathy with rediscovery.
mostly at this point, i need to express my hurt and disappointment. of course its appropriate to express it to WH??? Appropriate, but does anyone have any thoughts that it might not be helpful? like njgal, maybe i should keep it to myself and not have the pityfest--just suffer in silence so that more positive things can grow???but then what are they growing in? rambling in confusion. i want peace and faith to return.


tryinghard

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: california
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

menow: i tried to look up your profile, i do not know the full extent of your sich...i saw that you posted once in lta forum, but i did not have the time to find it...i also noticed that you registered not too long ago...august is really a stones throw away when you are dealing with infidelity...

1...are you both in mc
2....are both in ic
3...is there nc on his part
4....after you have gotten whatever info you inquired from them...do you have nc
5...is he still trickle truthing
6....is he remorseful
7...does he want to save the marriage?

maybe i should keep it to myself and not have the pityfest--just suffer in silence

no, NO and HELL NO....if talking to him is not an option thaten get yourself into ic...you have an enormous amount of hurtful information that you need to process...and YOU NEED to PROCESS....if you do not do it in a healthy way you will do it in an unhealthy way....denial has never helped anyone heal...

suffer in silence so that more positive things can grow???but then what are they growing in?

if you are suffereing you are not healing and neither is he....if he truly wants to be healed from what he's done to you and to himself he needs to face all of it, without facing it he is not dealing with it...and isnt that kind of how most ws's get into the messes they get into in the first place by not dealing with thier issues head on..

peace is something you may have to find on your own, it would be helpful to both of you if he did what he could on this journey of peace, but from the little you posted it does not seem like he is a willing participant in your recovery much less his own

and as for faith...having faith in god is first and foremost, having faith in oneself is the same as having faith in god for god in truly within you...in the end you are truly all you've got...you will always be there for you....

faith in him would need to be earned and insofar from your posts he has not done anything to restore that faith...

menow you really should go to ic...also find a place here on si that you feel comfortable and post, post often....getting it out helps...if you do not feel comfortalbe posting all that often then journal...if you feel you can ...do both....

you need to take care of you first....

((((menow)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Shutup  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. tribe i posted in general, i am so annoyed among so many other things with pfm, he takes idiot to new heights..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=323969

all i want to do is scream....STUPID...STUPID STUPID.....

i honestly think i married the most stupid man....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Miracle))))))

I read your post.
You have maintained consistently that you are staying in the M for the sakes of the children. When you asked PFM why you should stay, what else can he give you except words? He has been consistent in not meeting any of your conditions or even staying to his own rules. I hope this does not come out harsh, but I am just wondering what did you expect to be different in that conversation?

i honestly think i married the most stupid man

I will have you know, Miracle, many of us have claimed that title for our WSs over the years, but I guess yours wins it for this week!

***

Menow,

like njgal, maybe i should keep it to myself and not have the pityfest

You can not compare yourself to njgal as her dday was over 2 years ago. She and her H have worked on R together. Unfort you cant skip the stages and you do need your H to work WITH you, if you both plan to R.

Part of that working together involves you letting him know how your feelings wrt his LTA and him being more open about what you need to know.
ALL of this means putting YOU first. Suffer in silence? Unless you are striving for matyrdom, I do not recommend this. This is a sure fire way of sabotaging any chance of future happiness, IMHO.

I like both women


Woah.I had to read that a few times. Stick with us, and we will help you get rid of those feelings fairly quick!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2: when i asked pfm why i should stay, i was once again addressing his latest laments, he never stops telling me he loves me, he never stops telling me he's changed, he never stops telling me that he wants "us" to work, he never stops telling me that he want to do whatever it takes...except that he doesn't do whatever it takes...i am so tired of hearing the words...i want him to just shut up, they are words that mean nothing...so that was how we ended up or i should say i ended up telling him yet again why i am done with this sham of a marriage...but he just never shuts up...and then today, when my friend was telling me about her slutty costume, the friend that he hit on...his reaction was just more proof of why we are done...i wasn't really hurt as much as i was angry...because i just want him to shut up...if he can't follow up his words with actions i just don't want to hear the words anymore...he just one very stupid inappropriate man....

o.k. my attack of dipstickitis is done...
for now anyways...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


that dipstickitis is acting up again

Iwantamiracle... I just loved this! I know that I am not around much, but reading your posts make me realize that I should stop in much more frequently!

You may be feeling bad, but you will come out of all this just fine! Your "spirit" is strong and your ability to keep moving forward are admirable! I am woman, hear me roar!! You go girl!!

Life for me is moving too quickly. My H and I just got back from another trip and it was wonderful. We have been fortunate to find a love that we can grow together in!! I can say that I an content... H continues to be in the moment and everything I ever thought I wanted!

Not perfect, but neither am I, just good for each other.

We just celebrated our 28th anniversary on Halloween! YEAH! No gifts, just the gift of time together, and what a time it was!

(((UKGirl)))

(((LostHeart2)))

(((Tribe)))

I am here in spirit and keeping you in my thoughts always. I have been selfish, but will be checking in much more frequently. I'm not good at advice, but I am good at support!! And occasionally laughter...

I will return soon.

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovin you give yourself far too little credit...

what a blessing to see and hear from someone who not only survived this crap, but is happy...genuinely happy....you give us a goal, you give us hope....we feel your joy...

no need to apologize either...keep on livin lovin...


and thank you...

roaring off for now...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lovin.
Congratulations on your anniversary.
Your M now is an inspiration for many. Thank you for sharing.

((((((Lovin)))))))

***
Miracle,
I was thinking about your friend...was it appropriate for her to be discussing her slutty outfit in front of your H, given their history?
Does she know that you know?
And did you find out before or after you both became friends? I am trying to work out the dynamics between you here...

I am not trying to minimise your H's stupidity in anyway ( just picturing you in that scene made my blood boil!), but just wondering what your friend got out of that.

***
I have my suspicions that 2 of my esteemed work colleagues have begun an A or are on the cusp. He is m'd and she is d'd. They think that they are hiding it well but they are not - for eg he finds every excuse to come to her desk which gets her all blushy and flustered (she sits in front of me. I know its none of my business but it is so annoying. I wonder if H and OW#2 carried on like this in their office - thinking they were being clever but were blatantly not. argh.
And the selfish part of me is thinking not only of this man's W and kids, but also how this will affect the office dynamics. argh again.
Makes me want to bang their heads together over the desktop!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All,

I will keep on living and loving, because everything else aside, life is too short!

We have recently lost one of our students that graduated in 2001... 26 yr's old and gone in the blink of an eye! Had a simple surgery on his knee, but was living alone, and had a blood clot! His parents found him!! TOO TRAGIC for words!

Life can really suck, but it is worth it. I try not to take a moment for granted.

Kinda looking forward to spending some time at home. My Dad has been missing us and my kids feel like strangers... I miss them and look forward to hanging around with them... even if it costs me money!!

I too have a couple of friends that have been fighting infidelity. My one friends husband has had multiple A's and is at it again! I thought they were doing ok, but she told me that he has a "new" one and is spending alot of time with her... and it just kills me.

Another friends H was approached by one of the wife's friends , what is up with that?!

Well, gotta get to work, LOTS to do!

Talk to everyone later this evening!

Lovin

PS... welcome to all our newbies!


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard.

That heart picture is good. Most of my pets have been female. I guess they wanted to be daddy's girls.

leapyearbaby.

Thank you. Your friend could be having problems talking to you about your issues if she is being bothered by her own past. You may need to become the advisor instead of the being the advised. Have you told her about SI? I see that you too have jumped on the dipstickitis bandwagon.

miracle.

If you are going to be a fly on my wall please let me know. I don't want to smash you with a flyswatter!

What pfm said was pretty dumb. You do have your hands full.

Lost.

Any family that knows me has banned me from most get togethers. I really don't miss the weddings or funerals that much.

For some reason I thought about cleaning closets all weekend.

You could advise your friends but I bet they will not stop. They might try to hide their behavior, which would be better for you if you did not have to watch them act like that. However, it might just piss them off.

lovinlife.

Congratulations on your anniversary. Keep up the good work!

To all.

Success stories like the one lovinlife tells, can happen. It takes time patience and a bit of work.

I better sign off for now. I'm getting ready to accuse my self of having dipstickitis!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Menow, I’m with LostH on this. You have every need to talk about what needs to be talked about. Don’t keep it in, you are brewing trouble ahead by doing that. Njgal and some others of us are years out on our ddays and there comes a point when we realise that going over old ground does no good. But that’s not to say we aren’t still trying to figure it all out.

FWH is “remorseful”, but I wonder how much of it was an act to try and keep me soft on asking about the affair. He often asks what I’m thinking or if there are thoughts I want to share, but I just say nothing or no. He doesn’t want to go there anymore. He has his rewritten version of the affair, and, due to his minimising, lying by omission and all the rest, I have my own version. And they don’t match and neither is palatable. He knows I am down (and I’m on a big downer right now) It’s not helped by the triggers during conversations. This morning I was on the phone to a friend and I knew he was about to leave. In the end I said to my friend that I had to go – he had just walked out of the door. Later, I spoke to him, voicing my concern that he was just going off without saying goodbye (he’s going for a few days) and he said:
“I couldn’t go off without saying goodbye to you. What if I died in a car crash or something? I’ve had that thought for twenty years……..”
I was utterly speechless and had to stop myself from yelling or saying something nasty. Like “you bastard, you obviously didn’t think about that while you were having your affair, you never thought about the CONSEQUENCES of you dying in a car crash and me finding out about her AFTER YOU WERE DEAD, did you?”
He says and I think stuff like that all the time. And I still turn off triggery songs on the radio, prickle at infidelity in films and rip up newspaper articles.

LYB, the boys have been in Dunedin and are now in Queenstown where they did a 134m bungy jump from a cable car – mad!!! They have working permits and now are renting a house for a while to get some dosh together. I am missing them like crazy and the house is waaay to quiet and I have too much food in the fridge. I am following them on facebook.

LostH – It seems that with LTA’s there are not only antiversaries, there are all the other dates too. Like how WH and MOW went out on her anniversary (next week) –
And his b’day was last week, so another one. Ugh. This year’s antiversary, FWH was away (yay!) and I spent the day with a friend and had a massage. So what are YOU going to do LostH?

Hi lovin'!
Miracle, I love your caustic wit!!

Night tribe. I'm done


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovin:

that story is so tragic it sure does give one pause...makes you appreciate all you do have as opposed to what you don't have...

dipstick:

i promise to let you know when i land on your wall, i will be the fly with the binoculars and the extra large hearing aid...

will your wife help you clean out your closets...


lh2:

I was thinking about your friend...was it appropriate for her to be discussing her slutty outfit in front of your H, given their history?
Does she know that you know?
And did you find out before or after you both became friends? I am trying to work out the dynamics between you here...

i will explain...whe we first moved here, 10 years ago, pfm met this friend on the train going into the city, turns out he was a huge flirt and saw a pretty woman and flirted her up in the hopes of something down the line...at the time she found out her husband had cheated, she threw him out and she would talk to pfm about it...she though of him as a buddy as she knew he was married, because he would complain about me to her....then he tried to kiss her, she rebuffed him immediately...he never tried again...they remained "buddies" and she never gave it a second thought til i told her that i found out about his cheating...she and i became freinds when a little boy came into her custody and she was going to need a baby sitter, and since that is what did pfm introduced her to me...and i knew of her prior to this because he would talk about her and a few other people on the train...and i trusted him completely so i never doubted anything..anyway a couple of days after i told her about pfm i could see her wheels turning and thinking, she tried to tell me about his flirtations and eventually told me everything...he didn't tell me about her, she told me about her...

and the comment she made the other day is just normal banter she and i were having...he horned in on our conversation...and there is a story behind why she was dressing up that she and i had started days prior...and they are both so used to having this kind of normal banter within conversation, but because of d-day she knew what he said was off, he should have just said nothing, he just doesn't get it....

and i get so fustrated at him because of all his professions of change....when its so damned clear that he has not changed enough, not nearly enough in this area...or a few others....

but i am starting to feel a change within me....as fustrated as i feel,i feel as though i am reaching that indifferent stage, the more he opens his mouth the more pull towards indifference i feel....and thats a good thing for me....bad, very bad for him...but that's his fault, his problem, his consequence....


ukgirl: its seems as though your husband is not too bright in that category either...foot in mouth disease...they do not think before they speak, they just do not think...they seem to be so busy trying to be everything they think they should be, they stop being true to themselves and in turn everyone else.....

before coming to our thread tonite i stopped off in wayward, very disenheartening...a few of the waywards after doing this for some time, still trickle truthing...

i truly believe the word "fear" should be listed as a drug or something...fear does more damage then any drug i've ever seen...

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i honestly think i married the most stupid man....

I don't know, IWAM....I think there are several here in the running for that title....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know i know...lets have a contest for the most stupid spouse...don't want to leave out our menfolk...

so any ideas on rules...???

on second thought this would have to take place on a merry go round...with each of them i am sure taking turns being on the lead "ass"...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

You will not need the hearing aid. Us old folks have to talk so loud and repeat everything account of our own hearing loss. You will be able to hear it all just fine. You probably will need the binoculars. High power would be best. She was not in the closet cleaning mood this weekend. I hate to do it myself. The phone reception is not very good in the closet so the closet phone sex is out.

I really can't call my W stupid. She has never really said anything that is up there with what your H said. I do not believe that you took his statement out of context. There really is not any other way to view it.

My W said something a few days ago, that taken out of context, could have been a major trigger. It could have been taken as a worse statement than the examples I gave in a earlier post. I did have a bit of bad feeling, but I know what she said was not A related. This time and hopefully in the future I will remember to think of these things that way. I was pleased with myself because I did not let this bother me.

UKgirl.

I agree with you. What he said was so wrong. I still turn off certain songs. Yesterday, one came on, so I changed stations. The new station was also playing a song I need to turn off. I did not even think about going to a third station. I just turned the radio off for about 5 mins. TV, papers, & mags seem to have their fair share of A related stuff. I would like to tell everyone here that these things do not bother me anymore, but..... I will say that as time goes by most of these things seem to have less impact.

The foot and mouth disease can be a big problem for all of us. One of the biggest traps for a man is the "does this make me look fat?" question. Of course some of us learn early on that a yes answer is not correct.
The problem is when he takes too much time to say no, it is almost as bad as a yes. From my limited studies I have concluded that one half to one second is O.K. A little over one sec is in the danger area. Over two sec is doom. BTW. Do men ever ask if something makes them look fat?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

listen dipstick,

i dont know why you consider "60" old folks...if you were like in your 20's...yeah i could see that being your perception...but 60 is not old anymore...we are all just enjoying our middle years...got that...

and yes i need a hearing aid...its kind of a joke in my house, because irl i do need one...my kids keep buggin me on when am i going to get to the dr off to finally get fitted...but pardon me while so many other things keep comin up..so keep on repeatin what ya sayin....seems to be my mantra these days....or very loudly: "whadyasay"...


My W said something a few days ago, that taken out of context, could have been a major trigger. It could have been taken as a worse statement than the examples I gave in a earlier post. I did have a bit of bad feeling, but I know what she said was not A related. This time and hopefully in the future I will remember to think of these things that way. I was pleased with myself because I did not let this bother me.

yay...progress...i always root for progress....

I just turned the radio off for about 5 mins. TV, papers, & mags seem to have their fair share of A related stuff
.

it does seem that affairs are every fuckin where...excuse my french...you cant do anything these says without being slapped in the face with it...and then add all the triggers like names, places, dates...there are so many damned triggers...i can't go a single day without being faced with something...there are always reminders...it sometimes seems like you can't escape it...even if you manage to find something else that is on your brain, it doesn't last, it never lasts...reminders are everywhere....making it even harder to just get on with life...

on another topic...over in the other forums ther are a couple of bs's getting more trickle truth after so many years...its so painful to see that pain we all know so well, and the ws's that belong to them also post on the wayward...and i was reading one of the vents a little while ago, and he the bs was venting about how his wife doesn't post on si the way he had hoped she would...that she uses it for a smokescreen...and oh boy could i relate....here is a golden opportunity for them to really work at their issues with their peers, people who have walked in their shoes...where better to get answers then to be in a group setting with like people...you dont feel like your alone in your quest...kind of like us...i don't get it, because the waywards are not happy, not at all so what drives them to not do what they need to do or what fears can they have that are so damned deep that they are so afraid to face them...what is it that they think will happen...because from where i m sitting what you fear you create....

i don't think i will ever understand the motivation behind not doing something that you have been told is the only way...to have the arrogance to believe that we are all wrong and you (the ws) knows better...if you knew better you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place...

o.k. end of my rambling rant....

as i sit here typing this, my little charge, he's 18months old is lying on the floor with my skinny dog, he is using her as a pillow, he is hugging her..rolling all over her and she just sits there...this puts a on my face...this is what life is...this is pure joy...this is innnocence...this is honesty...and most importantly its recognizing this...and being able to appreciate it...yay for me...


as always
(((tribe)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:40 AM, November 5th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((IWAM))))

this is what life is...this is pure joy...this is innnocence...this is honesty...and most importantly its recognizing this...and being able to appreciate it...yay for me...

YEAH for you!!

I agree that it is sometimes the small, easily overlooked things in everyday life, that can bring the greatest joy!! So glad that you are able to see that and appreciate it!

As to the fact that some people choose not to do what it takes... what can be said? If they are willing to lose what they have because they can't do the work, then in my mind they don't really want it in the first place!! Move on and let me get back to my life! My H knows that I love him and am glad that he has chosen to do the work. He also knows that there are no more chances... one wrong turn and he will be taking that road without me! Sounds harsh but I have learned much... and being alone is not the worst thing that could happen to me!

Keeping you all in my thoughts...

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dipstick,
You could advise your friends but I bet they will not stop

I did (being the nosyparker I am). She blushed to high heaven and said that he is SO not her type. His reaction was wanting to know what she said about him( ).I told him he is being v stupid, risking his whole life for a quick fix - he said that he thought his M was over anyway; that his W didnt love him or treat him well (boof**kinghoo),and he was tired of never getting what he wanted. Enough said. I am not getting involved further as I donot have the emotional energy to spare for this. They are both jackasses!

I would like to tell everyone here that these things do not bother me anymore, but..... I will say that as time goes by most of these things seem to have less impact.

The impact of external triggers does lessen over time, although there are some songs which instantly render me cold.

***
Ukg,

was utterly speechless and had to stop myself from yelling or saying something nasty. Like “you bastard, you obviously didn’t think about that while you were having your affair, you never thought about the CONSEQUENCES of you dying in a car crash and me finding out about her AFTER YOU WERE DEAD, did you?”

Your self restraint is sometimes dehabilitating, methinks! What would have happened if you had?

I am sorry you have a trigger laden month.
Can you work through this with your IC, to help lessen the impact?

What am I doing on the antiversary? Havent thought about it - H would def not remember. I think I would like to remember how far I have come from that woman who was smashed to teeny pieces 3 years ago. I want to focus on the positive things in my life, KWIM?
The antiversaries are sad for me but nowhere near the impact my wedding anniversary has. That day for me is truly truly awful.

***
Miracle,
I have become v suspicious of all people, esp women, after dday. After dday, I cut myself off from everyone, not knowing who knew and didnt say anything, who H might have hit on, who was toxic to me, and then slowly since then began bringing my womenfolk back in.

Your relationship with your friend makes me nervous;
Your H hit on her whilst he was m'd to you; she did not tell you in all these years you have been with her. So she and your H were complicit in this secret. Uh huh. I dont like this. Does anyone else feel this too? I am not saying that anything else went on but the thought that they knew something ugly and didnt share it with you. That is not right.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I guess since I am not old, now I have to change my name to middle age dipstick?

I don't hear a lot of stuff. Part because of impairment and part because I have a hard time tuning in to her rambling.

Your french is fine. Blame it on all this fuckin Affair crap.

I know what you mean about the stupid ws stuff. I think what many of them fear facing is themselves.

One of the things that gets me is them saying "the sex was not good." If it is a ONS, maybe I can buy that. If it is a LTA, I just say Bull. I had spinach once. It was not good. So guess what? I did not do spinach again. I know that the A is more involved than eating spinach but how can you have a LTA with lousy sex? I think if I was going to take all those chances, I would at least want to get a good lay! Of course the WS is sick and stupid, so trying to figure out this shit is a waste of time. Us BS still keep trying.

There are so many nice things in life. It is nice when you see them and appreciate them. That is something that has helped me a bunch. You know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. I try to do that as often as possible. Sometimes you may get stuck by a thorn, but the smell is usually worth it.

lovinlife.

I do not think you are being too harsh. After DD#1 I said to my self, one more and that is it for me. I think one problem is that I did not say it to her. It might not have made a difference, but walking the high wire knowing you have no safety net would be different that thinking you may have a net.

Ramble is over.



Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good day tribe!

Menow:

maybe i should keep it to myself and not have the pityfest--just suffer in silence
This is never (IMHO) a good idea - BTDT don't want the Tshirt. Re-read IWaM's message. I agree totally with her, as I see LH2 & UKg do also. We're here for you. {{{menow}}}

LH2, I have you in my prayers. Bedrest is so hard on an active woman but if that's what the Dr. prescribes for healing, take care of yourself. If tea and a good book would help I recommend it... or some handwork if you're so inclined.

Lovinlife, Belated Happy Anniversary! Glad to see you stop in more often with happy news.

{{{IWaM}}}, Vent away. I'm surprised you don't do it more often. I don't know if I'd have the strength you & other LTA tribe members with family at home do... is this an empty nest benefit???

UKgirl,

FWH is “remorseful”, but I wonder how much of it was an act ...snip... due to his minimising, lying by omission and all the rest, I have my own version. And they don’t match and neither is palatable. ...snip... And I still turn off triggery songs on the radio, prickle at infidelity in films and rip up newspaper articles.
Sadly, I empathize and identify all too well with the situation you describe. I have the thoughts but bite my tongue
to stop myself from yelling or saying something nasty.

His A is always on my mind. Being with my dd & grandson seems the only time I'm free from disturbing thoughts and memories despite FWH saying he loves me - being the loving husband. I can't tell a difference between then and now so I'm always on guard. Guess that's what LTA does to the BS. I'm open to suggestions for dealing with this. I read other forums searching for answers while recalling the words of a long ago women's bible study "Let go and Let God" and struggle within myself. WTH has happened to the me I used to be?

{{{LTA posters and lurkers}}}

Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.

"To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today." --Beverly Sills


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