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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dipstick:

So you thought you read he was locked in the closet. Sounds like wishful thinking to me. It is good you had a laugh.

need to tell you, i remembered something a bit after i had posted this...when pfm was carrying on with ow #2, alot of it in the last few years was phone sex...and he would call her from his closet, (it is a decent sized) and masturbate while talking dirty on the phone with her, hence he did have phone sex in the closet...so now i am laughing twice as hard....oops maybe i shouldn't say hard...

so i guess in a way he is out of the closet now...

the irony sometimes just slays me...

i better shut up, way too riskay a subject to ramble on about...then i would have to be treated for dipstickitis again...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dipstick,
In retrospect, I guess all LTA BSs would be considered simpletons. We loved, we believed and we trusted. And it was because we were so "simple" that our WSs were able to do what they did.

Strange how you say that answering simply is a man's thing - my H would take forever to give a straight answer that the kids and I would even forget what we asked, even for something like, "Would you like some coffee?" - he would think it out, actually mouth out the question, think again before answering. It drove (drives)me nuts! He has become better at it though, but whereas I would stand there waiting for him to answer, now I just move on!

***
(((((((Miracle)))))))

I know you were laughing there, but I think there is alot of pain behind that as well.

And did Dipstick say "shinking ship"??
Think he meant shrinking or sinking?

****
Tribe,
For those of you who's self esteem suffered greatly during and after the A, what are you doing to build yourself up?

It took me awhile to realise that my H cant do that for me (and even now I still slip).I am just awful at doing anything positive for myself. Instead of being my first cheerleader, I am the first one to cast my stone. So its been a rough ride up towards a "better" me and I I still have a long way to go.

Part of my journey included getting a job (after being a SAHM for 12 years) and resurrecting my career. This was/is a huge deal for me. To get paid because what I do is worthwhile. Wow. And after a 1.5 yrs, I am now looking at the next rung. Who would have thunk? lol.

I lost alot of weight (infidelity diet)but then gained it again in the last year. However the weight loss led me to discover a woman (as opposed to only a mom and wife)under these layers. I had forgotten that.

I go to IC ever week and have a great homeopath (because I believe true healing for me requires a holistic approach). I am trying to attend to long ignored medical issues. I am trying to rebuild my relationships with my children, which suffered tremendously after the ddays. I try not to think too much on how they have been affected by all this, and just try to take it one day at a time. However can you imagine waking up oneday where the only person who has always been there for you, strong and reliable, is lying on the floor,nose bleeding after your F knocked her out, or the time the ambulance drove her away after she tried to commit S?
I dont think I will ever forgive myself for that ever. There was a time after that when I just gave up, when I thought that no mum was better than a bad one. However in the last year, I have begun fighting back, and I know one day, my kids will have their mum back.

I digress...

So thats my rebuilding story (and its a never-ending one):
Whats yours?
And what is/are your next challenge(s)?

A dear friend of mine here has challenged me to engage in positive self talk for 1 month every time I get myself down. Trust me, its not as easy as it sounds.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2:

However can you imagine waking up oneday where the only person who has always been there for you, strong and reliable, is lying on the floor,nose bleeding after your F knocked her out, or the time the ambulance drove her away after she tried to commit S?

i am not understanding , who was lying on the floor, was it one of your kids?, what is the "f"? and who tried to commit suicide?....


and regardless of what the answers are, we all make mistakes...we do the best we can with what we know and when we know better we do better....

the aftermath of infidelity is beyond all measure and when that indifelity includes a lta it has many more devastating turns then any other affair, with exception to the op being someone you know imo....each individual is different, with different ways of coping, different backgrounds, different issues...and then you mix the ws's shit and you've got a pile of muck...and trying to deal with all of that and then some when you are a mom, a sahm...which is inself the most fustrating rewarding job i have ever held...now add that to the pile of muck and you've got the muck piled into a really deep hole...and then we are faced with building a ladder to get out of that damned hole, one rung at a time...along the way we need to sling muck....

we all make mistakes....period....learn from them, grow from them and become a better you...and you are doing just that....

I know you were laughing there, but I think there is alot of pain behind that as well.

of course there is pain there, there is pain everywhere i turn, and everywhere i don't turn...but i am learning to find the humor, it is becomming necessary to find the humor....i need to find joy in my life...my kids are growing up, one of them fustrates me beyond the beyond...i am a sahm, so i have no passionate career to lose myself in, i babysit...so its more sahm stuff....i have no interests yet that i want to persue....i still go through all the motions...and that all of most of what i do is to go through the motions....i will fake it til i make it....i still appreciate all that i have, i am blessed in so many ways, but aside from that feeling of gratitude and knowing that, yes it could always get worse, so appreciate that fact...its all still going through the motions...

and i guess without meaning too i answered your question....of course i suffered a little dipstickitis in the process...we are a rambling group....


so lh2: how's the bed doing...are you really really bored yet? or are you taking advantage of the downtime, meditating, reading and such...

as always
(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,
I had to read your profile to confirm that your first dday was just under a year ago. Unbelievable.
You sound so strong and together.
Of course you are going through the motions! You have been dealt one blow after the other, and I am just in awe that you are still standing strong and with a great sense of humour to boot! Muck away, Miracle.
Well done you.

Being a SAHM is hard. Period. I find it easier being at work where everything is organised (most times!) and goes acc to a plan (most times).
Thats my control issues at play.

so lh2: how's the bed doing...are you really really bored yet? or are you taking advantage of the downtime, meditating, reading and such...

You kidding right?
I am a do'er - lady of action. Sitting around with my feet up is bloomin torture. I popped into my library today to get more books so that keeps me happy.
Still - enforced rest sucks. I prefer stolen times!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2:

You sound so strong and together

did u ever hear the warning when you sound off the alarm on a "vehicle" and it says to step away form the vehicle...well said in that sing song of sorts...referring to above statement in quote:

this is an act....i will repeat...this is an act...

now where is my academy award!!!

i seem to be having a strange humourus day....so be warned...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Miracle

You have almost singlehandedly being holding the fort here for a while here. You have been supportive and funny and insightful, willing to share your stories as well as listen to ours.

How can we return the favour?

((((((Miracle)))))))

****

I have been on for a few days now and its been pretty quiet. Where is everyone?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2
For those of you who's self esteem suffered greatly during and after the A, what are you doing to build yourself up?
For me, I lost weight but starting to gain it back too... When I was down 30 lbs that brought me much joy. People were saying, "you look great" "you have lost too much" I'm back to the running again. I had so much validation and affirmation it really helped my self esteem. I also started to be more creative. I did this with photography, poems and graphic arts. It makes me feel good when I have shared and received someone telling me they are really good. I also take much pride in trying to help others with some donations and my input here at SI.

Ok here is some of my art. You can laugh if you want.. it's kinda funny and kinda sad.

Self image


Hellís sharp rocks borders her split need for family, and me, childlike, I'm controlled behind masking reality her saying, "I don't want to hurt you". Old and boring my way she turned to the dark side that gives her secret strength, power and excitement.



reconciliation

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:01 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,
Did you lose the weight on the infidelity diet too?
For the first time in my whole life, people actually said I looked too thin, and as perverse as this sounds, I loved it. I loved being thin and just ignored what they said. However after 1.5 years, I started piling them on again,so now get pg remarks.Grrr. So am now back to where I was before, weightwise. And more in love with food then ever!Argh.

Re your pics
I envy your talent.The ability to translate your emotions into art . wow.

You know, ever since you started pointing out birds to us, questioning whethr their prescence carried some meaning, I have been on the lookout. However all i get is bird crap on my windshield. Whats that about?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH.. lol.. I thought you would appriciate the my self portrait since we were discussing self image. Yes I was a victim. But not any more.

I've never been super religious, but God sent me those birds as a message. I prayed for a real message. It is an amazing story... I wrote the whole story down that even includes Iwant too... I'll post is on my My Journal when I get a chance...

Get back to good health! Dr Phil says beside infidelity, sickness is another on of the most unhappy periods one can face...

Thanks for the nice comments... Builds my ego

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:36 PM, October 30th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle & Lost Heart2.

You two need to have more respect for the elderly. I am glad that that you all are getting to have some I guess my ship has shrunk or sunk!

Heart2. I was laid up for over two months one time. I was able to fight off the bordom with vcr, books and mags. The internet did not exist. The hardest part was not being able to take care of my responsibilities.

I know that men are not always the most simple when it comes to answering. For me most couples I know, the woman is the talker. My W called today while on her lunch hour. During the conversation I asked her what time she had to be back at work. I got at least a 2 minute answer and still do not know the time. It does drive you crazy.

I really did not have that big of a self esteem problem. I knew she is the one that had the problem so I did not feel down on myself esteem wise. Or, maybe I was in denial.


However, after being attacked and made fun of by some female members of this board, I think I may be developing self esteem issues. I already suffer from premature postulation. Now bad spelling.
I think that tonight I may have a few drinks. That should help for a while.

miracle. I have not ever thought about using a closet that way. I hope the next time my W says "we need to clean out the closet" I can keep a straight face.

Keep on acting. It will help. Laughing is good.

trynhard. The art work is pretty cool. Good job. I'm sure it helps. You showed a pic of your quarterbark several posts back. Cute dog. Is he/she more your dog or your W's dog? All of our pets seem to always take up with me.

I was going to spell check this message but I think I will use my time for better things. I'm sure there are one or two here that will grade my paper.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2

Dip... and the dog knows I'm the alpha male! So he always cuddles with my wife and daughter.. lol

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:02 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2: you give me way too much credit my friend, thank you...


and it really has been pretty quiet as of late in here....kind of eerie quiet...i just keep hoping its because our members are out living, really lliving their lives and are happy...sometimes i really can be such a cinderella, no prince charming though...


tryn: those pix were very interesting...but the last one i love...


dipstick:

You two need to have more respect for the elderly.

elderly my $#@...nice try...

gotta tell you, when it comes to answering simply, pfm can be just as bad as your wife or worse...a long time ago i dubbed him the travelor...we go to europe when we just need to cross the street, we always go round and round and round, he takes a tour of the world when a simple yes or no would suffice...now my son is starting to do it to, the one who is always in trouble...and its the most exasperating feeling...


and i would love to be afly on the wall when your wife refers to the closet, i could always use more laughter...and yes i will continue to fake it....


whats everyone's plans this weekend...busy for me...sort of, my kids all belong to this club at school called S.A.D.D....and they sponsor an event called safe halloween, where alot of the student from the h.s. decorate the high school, dress up and provide a safe enviroment for the neighborhood little one to treak or treating...about 100 groups participate with 4 - 6 memebers per group, and about 1500 little ones go through collecting their treats...the older ones are officers so they were there all afternoon designating the spaces, all of the participants will be there all day tomorrow to decorate their spaces and then it takes place on sunday which is odd because its the day after halloween...but the h.s. has been dooing this event for years, its quite a big thing for the kids...and

pfm and i have a wedding on sunday...the first one since d-day, needless to say i am not looking forward to this...may need to take some of that lovely xanax to take that edge off....

so kind of busy weekend....


as always
(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awwwhhh Tryn. My one pic!
Shucks man, Thanks.

***
Dipstick,
I bet you are a riot at family gettogethers!

All the best with the closet cleaning.

***
Miracle,
Weddings make me blue as well. Part of me wants to run to the couple and ask them if they have done a proper background check on each other, and if they have had pre M counselling and dont take any vows unless you mean them.
Another part of me gets sad when i think of my wedding. What a fiasco that was.
And what hurts more than anything is knowing that not only had H been involved with MOW#1 for 2 years by then, but that he invited her to the wedding,and she didnt come as she was so upset that he was actually going through with it.

Sigh.

Hope the wedding goes well for you, Miracle. These do trigger thoughts of our own and might bring you down. Carry lots of tissues and waterproof mascara.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys.....
just needed a group hug... I guess.
I have been feeling very negative again....
feeling not so great about my decision to reconcile.
Wondering if I will ever really 'get over' the fact that my husband had a LTA.

My husband freaks out at the mention of the affair or anything affair related at this point...so..is no help.

I stopped IC last June... thought maybe that would help me begin to let all of this go...
I thought that discussing the affair and my uncertainty about it all over and over again every week did not help.

The emotional roller coaster that I am on can be very extreme...this morning I was looking at apts. to rent .. where I would go because divorce is inevitable...and then by the afternoon..I had calmed myself down and once again decided staying together was best....

now.. I'm here again...

Nov,Dec. have lots of triggers for me and New Years is d-day... it will be 3 yrs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((njgal))))) I'm here.
feeling not so great about my decision to reconcile.
Doubts are normal. Those damned sliding doors - if only we could do it IRL and THEN choose, eh? I don't think I will ever "get over" the LTA, but I know I have to accept it. It is part of my marital history now and has become part of my make up whether I stay or go. There will always be the "if only's" so don't go there. I have stopped trying to understand or forgive but I have grown to accept. I know I don't have to. And. for me, this is a big step forward. Hugs hon.

See I've got some catching up to do. The parents are still here, so I'll dip in tomorrow when I'm free. Currently, I've been devious and sloped off while a Hallowe'en film is on!

Hugs to the tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((njgal)))

it sucks when limbo is the name of the game....

like ukgirl said...acceptance needs to happen first and foremost....and for you,without his help forgiveness may never happen...i think that would make it 10 times worse, that he doesn't want to answer yor questions, or listen.....its not like we wish it didn't go away too.....its not like you want to feel this way...the hurt goes really really deep...

if he's not going anywhere then time is still on your side..

but i have a few questions for you

1.. what are all your options
2.. name every fear on each option
3.. name every consequence on each option
4..this is the biggie....which one option is the option that will give you the least regrets....

take your time with these questions....meditate on them, sleep on them.....and that is really how we find answers to pretty much every thing....

njgal this rollercoaster has more turns, loops, ups and downs then any of could ever imagine....but the first key is acceptance....he is who he is....and from your post that is not going to change...and the only person you can change and/or control is you...

we are here....

(((njgal))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The roller coaster ride continues.... today..I feel better.

More optimistic.

Don't get me wrong.. my husband is extremely remorseful... has shown that remorse and regret in many different ways over the last(almost)3 yrs.

and..initially he was wiling to talk about it all...he answered some very intimate and uncomfortable questions...

its just that he cannot talk about it anymore...
and..no.. I am not asking for details any longer...
its just when I trigger or feel down... he is here...and so I share my feelings and thoughts with him....
and this creates a lot of stress and turmoil for him..and then for me... yet, I keep doing it.

maybe I am dumping on him...maybe I am still trying to remind him about how bad I still feel about it all...
maybe I am having a pity party...and I should stop.

It is a struggle for me...

this morning I watched a religious program on TV....

what caught my attention?
the entire sermon was about anger and forgiveness.

It was actually very good.

It was a good reminder for all of us...

the one person that we truly hurt with our anger and unforgiveness is ourselves!

the message reminded me of all of the physical ailments caused by internal anger and unforgiveness- stress, anxiety, heart problems, high blood pressure, stomach issues... so many illnesses are caused by stress and anxiety.
And here I am.... continuing to stress myself out about the affair....
the OW has forgotten about my husband, me, the affair...a long time ago...

she never felt any remorse or sadness about what she did to me/ to my marriage....

heck..this woman had no remorse over the break up of her marriage and the damage to her family.....

so... all of my anger..all of this anxiety is really just hurting my husband and myself...

Just some thoughts.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((njgal))))))

I think trigger months would make anyone reflective and reconsider their decision to R. Would you consider going back to IC ? For me, IC started off being about the LTA but not long in, she made it clear that that was not going to be her priority and it should not be mine either. My priority was going to be healing me (and not just from the LTA); making me stronger and helping me make better choices for myself.

I also have a 3 year antiversary coming up end of November. I cant believe the time has gone so fast, but it also feels like the LTAs have always been a part of my life (which I guess they were in a way ).

I have a question to you (on top of Miracle's ):
What would you like different in your life and in your M?

****
Hi Ukg.
Isnt it amazing how Halloween ( a US tradition) has become part of the British landscape?
What next? Groundhog Day?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWAM:

this is an act....i will repeat...this is an act...

It may an act, but an act can become so familiar that muscle memory sets in and it becomes who we are...just be sure it is YOU!!!

Has been quiet around here for awhile...I have been gone taking care of infidelity and non-infidelity business....strange how no matter how screwed-up our lives are, life keeps insisting on raising it hand and screaming "me! me! my turn"....and lately it has been take a # time.

TRYN...Loved your pix, particularly the first one, kind of captured what how I felt and still feel sometimes. I want to congratulate you on your ability to be creative and artistic and STILL have a brain. My sister and I own a small commercial rental and had dealings with a former tenant who is a tattoo artist....creative and artistic, but dumb as a box of rocks.....incredibly frustrating to deal with...

Your birds are great....we have a few herons in the river, but we also have a bald eagle sanctuary here and it is marvelous in the winter to see a tree full of eagles. Hard to get good shots of them...don't have the camera for it...
I found your posts on the controlling issues fascinating...it is something I have been aware of for awhile, but seemed unable to figure out how to change the dynamic. I seem to be in a better place, so now, no matter whether we end up together or not, I know I will be ok. I suppose it does help that my h finally seems to be slowly removing his head from his ass, but I think it only makes things easier...if he never did it, I would still be fine.

OldDipStick...you are a joy of an addition to our tribe here, as iwam calls us...your presence raised some questions for me....MY best friend tries hard to support me, but I can tell her heart isn't in it. Our last phone conversation, I discovered that over 25 years ago she was a BS in an abusive marriage. She then went on to have a E/AP exit affair and divorced her husband, after he stalked her, threatened her, and frankly came close to killing her. Since it was the 70's, no one, particularly in the rural area where she grew up did counseling or anything silly like that. She didn't even tell me...I think she is triggering to my h's affairs because of where she was back then. I have even thought of suggesting she join us, but I don't think she is ready yet.

16 months out and had a couple triggers the last 2 weeks. Just when I think the rollercoaster has devolved to a smoother ride, another drop comes up. 1st ow "friended" H on FB recently and although he told me about it, which is new behavior, after her being silent for 14 months, it was a real jolt. Since I have been on SI, I realize that although h cut off contact with her, there was never a proper NC. So we are in the process of dealing with that, when the 2nd ow sends him an email. I thought they were all blocked, but apparently not. And what...! Are they talking to each other? I am pretty sure they don't even know each other. I had dealt directly with the 2nd ow last year, since I knew her, but I never bothered with the 1st one....she is the dangerous one, the emotional as well as sexual one (the other were just sex, bad enough..) that tried to get my h to leave me...I knew then talking to her would be a waste of breath. The 2nd one is an old friend of his from high school and she I guess she thought enough time had passed by....Not.

We did have a good weekend over our anniversary...we went to Taos and started working though a book called "Getting Past the Affair". Has exercises to read at the end of every chapter. In general, a good book, although I violently disagree about their advice on NC...too lax for my taste.

And UKGirl:
I did get your post about not jumping into a reconciliation too quickly. Fully aware of that crevasse...and frankly too suspicious to jump anywhere very quickly. I am cautious...

Sounds like you are getting the acceptance part...difficult to do, I know, but something that will help eventually...
I meant to ask you....what are your boys doing in New Zealand? Working? School? Playing? On my bucket list..we have good friends in Dunedin and they are always after us to come down and visit. Would love to, but being separated has slowed down that trip a little....

LH2:
Glad to hear your surgery went well....those days of bed rest are a bitch. Sometimes we dream of being able to loll in bed all day, but when we are forced to actually DO it, well, that is quite another story.

Well, have been typing this while watching "Nights of Rodanthe"...gooey, smarmy, sad, but with Richard Gere...who cares. Thought I might trigger off of it, but didn't.... Movie is over, so I guess I'll end this stream of consciousness...or perhaps it could be called dipstickitis?


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lyb:

i remember that movie, we watched it about a month ago, maybe slightly less...was a good movie, i held it together until the end. the mom and daughter part really got to me, especially since at that time my daughter and i had a rough spot emotionally...so i cried...


....and lately it has been take a # time.

its funny, but yet so not funny....life...gets in the way quite alot...ever notice that when you are really happy....boom...sadness enters....or you are really overwhelmed with so much, your plate is overflowing...and you feel...well this is it i cannot handle yet another thing...and along comes another thing....

its during these times that i question my faith, the human race, living....running away, dying,....and i let myself wallow a bit...depends on the shit i am dealing with....and then i start by picking my self up, dusting myself off...and move forward....albeit sometimes the steps are minute, and sometimes i will take 3 steps forward to take 4 steps backward...but eventually the steps forward are greater then the steps backward...i still will question the usual questions, but i move on...and when i start being grateful what i do have or how things really could be so much worse....i move forward yet again.....

this time though...the moving forward part it so damned hard....seeing exactly what you thought you had for 23 years...GONE...just fucking gone....and actually it never really existed in the first place...the very things that propelled me forward through so many different crises...are the very things that were lies....but i will push forward, i will find new things to be grateful for, i will move forward again and again on this godforsaken journey....i wonder at the end of this current journey what will be waiting for me when i finally arrive at my destination!!!


I suppose it does help that my h finally seems to be slowly removing his head from his ass

now can he teach my h the same thing...oh wait ...nope..he's inhaled to much of his own "shit"...he cant think straight...oh wait he never could do that either...oh well...


I think she is triggering to my h's affairs because of where she was back then. I have even thought of suggesting she join us, but I don't think she is ready yet.

she may very well be experiencing some painful memories...and maybe she just does not want to go down that path, especailly since the marriage is long over...sometimes things are better left in the past...letting go is a gift...that is of course if she truly has let it go..

its just that he cannot talk about it anymore...
and..no.. I am not asking for details any longer...
its just when I trigger or feel down... he is here...and so I share my feelings and thoughts with him....
and this creates a lot of stress and turmoil for him..and then for me... yet, I keep doing it.

maybe I am dumping on him...maybe I am still trying to remind him about how bad I still feel about it all...
maybe I am having a pity party...and I should stop.

njgal: what if you told him that you need to talk about it every time it comes into your head so that you can get your reassurance and move on...that his blwing you off only takes your triggers and make them go from 5 on a a scale of 1-10 to 9 or 10 on that scale...that you need him to show you that he is still willing to do what it takes, to listen and actually hear you....triggers are fear based....the more he helps calm your triggers the calmer your fear and the calmer your fear is yet another step closer to healing, then total acceptance and hopefully ending with forgiveness...

you also might benefit from mc...

lh2:

I also have a 3 year antiversary coming up end of November. I cant believe the time has gone so fast, but it also feels like the LTAs have always been a part of my life (which I guess they were in a way ).

it sucks that you have yet another month with triggers...and yes in a way lta's were a part of our lives for a really long time, we just didn't know it...for me it was the entire relationship....so i i could relate...

i say those words wway too often to way too many people...

:i could relate"

i don't want to relate to misery...i want to relate to happiness, aside from my children happiness i want to relate to happiness in love...

o.k...went to the wedding...god bless xanax, i felt somewhat sad, i felt really angry and i also felt numb...a new numb..and not a xanax kind of numb either...i am hoping that i am on my way to indifference....i'd like to have indifference...much much easier to move forward with indifference...much easier to do the acceptance thing too...so this may be a good thing...or it just might be another loop or dip in the coaster ride....


as always
((((tribe))))


p.s.....i did not have the honor of christening us the tribe, it was already in place and being used by a terrific bunch of women, who most seem to be on haitus...and not happy ones for all of them...

and now we are a coed bunch...how exciting...i got get some excitement somewhere..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:57 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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