It's a bit empty in here. Bring in some comfy chairs and we can decide what sort of place we want. I vote for warm and inviting, a retreat with a bar and a fireplace in the lounge!
(((Miracle))) The fallout from the affair affects so many, directly or otherwise. Hope your mom is okay and her BP comes down and pfm does his bit to keep the peace. She must be feeling your stress and taking it on herself. Poor you. Hugs hon.
He rejected her because he couldn’t take her intensity, possessiveness and the desire to have him completely for herself at all times. She was jealous of his other life – sport, college, other friends and then me and his family. She said she was sick of hearing about his “perfect” wife! But he obviously couldn’t stay away from her. She tried to finish it, he tried to finish it, but they ended up with the “how r u?” texts after a few weeks at most, and off they went again. I know now I do not have to forgive him. I’m somehow trying to get to a place where I can Imagine I dumped this unfaithful and spineless bastard on dday only to find someone new was suddenly there for me. But there is this nagging doubt that I cannot ignore – that he is not to be trusted. That he can be my partner, but never a lifetime companion. I feel I cannot count on him to be there for me. kwim? I think it can be a healthy and satisfactory relationship, but only if we can keep our own space and that bit of distance between us. Which he doesn’t want. Even though I keep telling him that he will never get back what we had – he thinks it can be done. Which makes me dig in all the more!
Tryn – you sound like MOW’s BH. He was away a lot on business while she was a working mum. He would be away all week, sometimes more when he was working in France. That was the year the affair nearly ended because they were thinking of moving to France and later that year, we were thinking of emigrating to Australia. But neither happened and the affair renewed with a greater intensity. Her BH had started a job working nearer home which caused more tension with them organising their trysts at much shorter notice and they had to be more inventive. But when I met BH, he said he took some responsibility for her unhappiness because he concentrated on work too much and that the affair had made him reassess his priorities in life. He also realised that the ex-bf offered her what she craved – attention, a touchy-feely relationship, letting her know constantly that she was loved ( ) and thought about all day long.
BH and FWH are complete opposites in looks, build and character. I somehow imagine it was the same for you.
ETA I’m off to try out the comfy sofas and take my glass of Pinot with me. I like the oak panelling.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:41 PM, October 2nd (Friday)]
Well, the infidelity wagon just keeps rolling. I recently learned that the mother of one of my daughter's friend (the mom and I aren't close) is going through the nightmare. Her WH has been having a LTA with a woman in another city while he traveled there often on business. He is deeeeeeep in the fog and has moved out, doesn't want MC, wants to be with he luuuuv.
I so want to help her but:
1) I am not supposed to know. She is trying to keep it under wraps with the hope of R for the kids.
2) nobody here in my very small very gossipy community knows my sitch (I think! ).
What do I do just walk up to her at school dismissal and say "Been there done that, it sucks huge, I know where you are, what you are feeling and I can help". ...don't think so.
Crap! I feel sooooo bad for her. I would love just to tell her about this site but don't want to let on that I know.
Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.
The H is handling that sitch and all the infidelity in the news well. Apologizing profusely, trying to make me feel better but I literally feel like I/we are drowning in a sea of infidelity in our lives.
if you feel like she will not keep your privacy then keep it to yourself, or maybe send her an anonymous letter...typed of course...just telling her of the site....
ukgirl: it sounds to me like acceptance is just as difficult for you as it is for me and actually many of us...acceptance comes with the knowledge that you are accepting that you can not trust this man again, it comes with simply knowing that "it is what it is" and nothing more...nothing less....the problem is i think we always want more, we are not programmed to settle, at least not for this...
i posted in general last nite about the ws having the power to help us heal...it was in that book i mentioned last week, i read it over and over how the offender can help the injured heal...but of course pfm is incapable of that too....aside from his sperm for my great kids and money that man was not too good for too many things.....i even had to fight for the sperm to get the kids....
in the back of this book was a section of childhood emotional needs that were not met for offenders who offend...and i cold see pfm in all but one...it was quite interesting...
my mom is and will be going for a whole bunch of tests, and the dr put her on blood pressure meds...so we will see....she will be here at my house quite alot this month since i got her doctors here...she lives 45 minutes away...
oh, and can someone mix me a double mudslide...
idea's on how to let go would be appreciated at this time
But I think it is not ever going to happen until you finally make a choice. I will leave my H or stay. I predict there will be a time where you will make a choice, I will love my H or I will leave him. Do you remember my poem I wrote to you… I can close my eyes and vision you today… and me then…
What do you think about letting go… Let go, take a chance, take risk, and choose to start loving your H again. All those mean start making love to him again, holding one another, doing things for each other…
My prayers are with you… and your mother..
[This message edited by trynhard at 1:24 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)]
when I met BH, he said he took some responsibility for her unhappiness
It is my choice today to be a better person and more healthy relationship… because I have made a choice to be this person. I've identified the things about me not living a healthy “relationship” lifestyle back then… I still travel every week too now… but I can still have a healthy relationship even with that… I call more, I care more, I make more time when I get home…
Can you see that difference?
I feel pretty good about how things are going these days... do I know if W is still seeing OM or being "gas-lighted"? no. Do I know if W will have another A, cheat on me? no
Do I see her loving me right now? yes...
Do I think back and see how I was not loved during here A? YES
Am I getting all I want? No
but overall... I'm finally starting to feel some happiness again.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:46 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]
I'm out traveling at the moment so not always able to keep up but just wanted to say hi. Glad we got new digs! Easier to navigate around.
I so wish I was sitting at the bar with you all having a nice big drink right now but instead, just had another long go-nowhere discussion with hubby. I just can't get over the 3.5+ years but you all know all about that - LOL.
IWAM: I really appreciate what you said here:
we cannot change what happened, but only find a way to accept that it happened, you do not have to forgive him, but for you and you alone you need to find a way to accept that this is just that...it is....we all need to do that....in doing that we can let go of some of the pain that feels crippling to say the least....and thats where for me at least the hard work is....acceptance...the first step..
SI and LTA sure help me with this but I guess it all just takes time and more time. Interesting how the seasons of this process change. Year one was just horrible chaos and now I'm settling down to the chore of year 2 and figuring out what that is all about.
Well, gotta' go.
I wouldnt say anything at this point. I remember how absolutely mortified I was wondering who knew, and who could see it tattooed on my forehead, KWIM?
Maybe later on?
I can only imagine how much you are going to miss your boys.Big hugs.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
Tried a mudslide myself…… do they call them mudslides cos you slide off the bar stool onto the floor?? Well, I’ve been in the muddy puddle all weekend. What with drinking mindisgone’s too as well as mudslides and my own. Tsk. Must get a handle on my alcohol consumption.
Shirley, I’d be pretty much the same as you and unless you could persuade her to come out over coffee or something, there’s not much you can do or say. You could start off with saying you noticed that she looks grief stricken and maybe she’d like to talk to a counsellor or someone (ie you)? But as you say, the infidelity wagon just seems to have its own momentum and people just keep getting on for the ride. And some stay longer than others……
Miracle, the WS can help the BS heal because they have the answers to our questions. Only they and the OP know what went on. But for me the biggest question is always “ok, so you had an affair/fling/whatever with your ex-gf, but wtf did you need to have this double life for so long?” This is the cake eating aspect for me. How many of the LTA spouses would have spent the rest of their lives living like this? How many did feel that, since they had got away with it in the first instance, they could just carry on through some sense of entitlement? Or just habit, like reading the paper at breakfast, enjoying a double espresso or treating themselves to lunch out? How many think, as the months and then years go by, think they will never be found out? Self-delusion? I once found a list for the perfect affair – my WH followed something like 20/25 points. Un-fucking-believable. But I’m rambling.
Tryn, thanks for your pov on your sitch. Interesting. But as you say, an affair is no excuse. BH said MOW had told him several time that she was not happy, so he took her on holidays and breaks and thought that was the answer –she needed a break. He says he can’t do the PDA stuff, which I told him he could, it was a matter of practice. If it’s important to her, he could do it. He felt he pushed her away – the more unhappy she was, the more he backed off, waiting for her to “come back” from wherever she was. He thought hormones (that old chestnut!), empty nest syndrome, work pressures, anything but her feeling of not being loved by him. So, after his dday, he jacked in the job and after confessing to her the letter I sent, his subsequent discoveries on her computer and our meetings, he focused on repairing his “broken” wife. Yep. He said she was beyond distraught, she was completely broken. And yes, I liked him for that. He had a compassion and depth that she had never appreciated. Or maybe he never showed it.
I’m missing the boys horribly. Stripped the beds and did the last washing. And crying while I’m doing it. Still, they’re over there and having a great time right now. But, would they still be here if they had known about their father? He was willing to risk everything and I still can’t get my head around it. His own kids, ffs. It’s as if he never thought ahead at all. Well, he never thought – period. Fuckwit.
His selfishness was his burden to carry, not mine. It was not up to me to forgive his actions but it was up to me to somehow accept that what he did was now part of our life.
tryingtwo posted this on my thread in general, i found it to be extraordinarily profound and so simple and basic....kind of like elizabeth edwards when she said this is my new reality.....
acceptance is my goal.....
What do you think about letting go…
Let go, take a chance, take risk, and choose to start loving your H again. All those mean start making love to him again, holding one another, doing things for each other…
NO, NO , NO, NO AND HELL NO
i made my choice tryn and that is it, its done, this is a marriage in name only, and soon as i feel my boys are old enough the truth will be told to them and i can end this charade.....
i do remember that poem;
i do not see this changing, short of a "miracle"...and i don't see the possibility of that either, i will never forget what he's done to me over the years and then after d-day, and as much as he has changed, he hasn't changed enough, i still think he is a liar, and in sofar the man has not done anything i have asked him to do, he has not done what i at one point begged him to do, he was given a list of to do's, he did NONE...so basically he made the choice for me, on december 19, 2008 i made the decision of NEVER EVER putting my needs on a ack burner ever again, i will be the priority or i will be gone....and if it weren't for my boys he would be out of here.....he blew every single chance he had, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough, so we are living together as co-parents and this is a gift to my kids, as much as i will put me first, i have a repsonsilibity to them to be mom, after that its all about me...
mom is hangin in, she's a trooper...this month will be filled with lots of tests, and hopefully all will turn out well....and anything caused to her by stress is yet another of his burdens to carry...
ukgirl: how long will the boys be gone.
hello lh2, you were missed...
lets drink to :
if you've ever seen miss congeniality you understand that toast and if you haven't get it and see it, its a fun movie....
UKgirl…. I don’t think I can ever fix my broken wife. It is up to her to fix herself. My wife has said stuff like hormones about her not having desire for me sexually… The brain is the sex organs not that stuff… the brain runs it all. I have not talked to OMW in over a year but I wonder today how much she hates my W. It must be horrible for her… but you never know, maybe she’s like me? I don’t hate OM, not that I want to ever see him again or ever talk to him. It was not his fault my wife said yes.
MB… Hang in there…
PS… I say we drink to us all in good conversation on LTA… I thank all you fine women for putt’n up with me while I talk myself into happiness.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:49 AM, October 5th (Monday)]
School was a bitch. But I'm done today and just waiting for the certification exam to be scheduled. I met quite a few new friends and we're even meeting up Weds to study and laugh. One was a BS and has been divorced 12 from her WS. He married the OW and she's long passed caring. Can't wait to get to that point.
Things have been quiet around here. I've been too busy to worry about H. I hear he's been singing my praises about going back to school. Problem is now he's going to expect me to find a job! And I'm not sure I want one. But I will miss being around other people, with other things on my mind besides him. So I applied for a PT position at a hospital where I want to work. That way I can at least get my foot in the door. See how I feel about FT later.
Even 4 years out I still have the occasional bad day and Saturday was one. Bad dream, triggered making the bed of all things and had a new "question" for him which I didn't ask. But now sits in my brain wondering. He sensed my underlying anger and told me to "get over whatever it is". My response to him was "yeah, that's your solution for everything. Just get over it and don't bother me." Then on Sunday, he's Mr. Sweet & Affectionate.
I'm playing hookey from everything today. Rented "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and watched it this morning. Yeah, a few rough spots, but I wouldn't even have considered renting it a few years ago. I'm also watching "The Good Wife" and finding it impossible to believe the writer was not a BS in a past life. Everything is spot-on. Dialogue, the nightmares, the accusations, questions and inability to even consider forgiveness. I like how real it is. H is pissed I watch it, but it's not a show for the FW that's for sure.
I haven't read what you all are up to, haven't been back on the last thread to catch up.
I've been reading books on forgiveness. The latest one is "Forgiveness:How to make peace with your past and get on with your life." I had to put it down when school got intense, but intend to get back to it soon. Unusual in the book has you do exercises dealing with each of the people you feel has wronged you in your life. And I have quite a list. H at the top, Dad next. I decided the whole H thing is too complicated to try and forgive just yet, so I'm working on forgiving Dad first. After all, he's the first man in my life who abandoned me for OW. H's betrayal just heaped more crap on an already stinking pile.
Just wanted you all to know I haven't forgotten you. Occupying my brain with other matters has helped. I can totally forget about him and his general assholeness for hours at a time now.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
But, would they still be here if they had known about their father?
Ukg, by letting them go, in spite of everything, you showed incredible compassion and love for your boys.
So what are your plans for the rest of the year? You are NOT going to be staying in and getting all broody about your boys; take a leaf off their books and embark on an adventure!
Miracle,(Another amazing mom!)
His selfishness was his burden to carry, not mine. It was not up to me to forgive his actions but it was up to me to somehow accept that what he did was now part of our life.
Thanks for posting that.
Weepy! Hallo there, old friend.
You sound just wonderful.Good on you. So what are you studying?
Re the father issues - you know I struggle with that as well. My IC thinks that once I have healed those, it will make healing from H, much easier.
We are going to start EMDR to tackle this next week. How is your IC dealing with this?
Sorry that your boys have gone, and I so get the sadness. When my DS left the first time I cried every day. My DD would come home and find me sobbing... not so much because he was gone, but because the girl he moved in with at the time was a real "nut" case! He has since left her and bought his own house, and I am OK with it!
Just keep busy and do things you like, or even try something new. I am doing water walking now and love it!! Miss ya!
How are you? It seems like you have been busy and I hope well. Like Weepy, I haven't read the former posts... just not alot of time, but you have been in my thoughts...
Glad to hear that school is done and that you have taken a part-time job! Good for you!
Life for me is busy, but good. H and I are traveling as much as possible and enjoying every moment together! Work is busy, and my Dad just turned 90 this summer and is keeping me busy!
I almost can't wait for winter... just so I can slow down and relax.
Our R is still going strong and my H has done a really wonderful job of showing and telling me that he is in 100%! Sometimes I am puzzled by how much he has truly changed, but then I have to smile because things are SO great now!
Hope everyone hangs in there. There is always hope for change and sometimes you just get lucky and change finds you!!
Welcome to all the newbies and sorry you find yourselves here, but you are in a great place... so many wonderful people, full of much wisdom!
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
So we talked and decided to just be friends first. One thing I absolutely know is that at one point we stopped being friends completely. We didn't treat each other like you would treat a friend. He OBVIOUSLY was not my friend as what he did was so hurtful. Anyway, we sat down and talked about what we thought being friends meant, how friends act towards each other, etc. One thing that friends DON'T do is have sex. So we agreed no sex for at least 3 months and we might extend that to six. We might actually go see a sex therapist in the interim to discuss whether or not he was borderline SA and to see if they can help me get over all the triggers around sex.
So far this new "us" seems to be working well. I feel we are treating each other with respect. The A stuff doesn't come up as much as I don't feel as threatened. Obviously, this can't go on forever but hopefully I can find a path back to some level of comfort with intimacy that doesn't trigger me or make me feel gross.
I heard from her that she did go visit family in CA and that was a source of comfort for her. She is taking the time she needs to heal from her loss. I am sure she would appreciate any cyberhugs we can give.
Well, the infidelity wagon just keeps rolling. I recently learned that………..
I tell you, when I spoke to my friend who is ex-gf’s sister and she told me this, she thought just the same as me. AND she knows they have been in contact for YEARS b/c she tried to meet up with my bro when she was in London as her sister had given her his number!! To say I am mad is an understatement. I don’t know what to do, his wife is a SAHM with three kids. He lives and works down there and I see him a few times a year, MOW/ex-gf and my bro (I CANNOT believe I am writing this about my own brother) live 240mile apart and she is a SAHW&M with five kids and I live north of both, about 200miles north – like a triangle.
I am assuming it is an EA, but without talking to him and/or telling him about ME, have no idea how long this contact has been going on. I wonder what he told my sil?? His DS is bound to have said something and I guess he told Mum this cover story and then recounted it to her too as some sort of no big deal. When it's anything but. Another fucking fuckwit. I could scream at him. He has no idea of the possible fall out. I cannot believe he is so fucking stupid. AARRRGGGHHH!!!!
Thanks for listening. Meanwhile, the boys are in NZ for a year or so. Things are going fine, they’ve bought a 7-seater between the five of them and plan to be off out of the town as soon as all the banking and tax codes are set up and I’ve set up the international banking to send money as and when. To say I miss them doesn’t begin to cover how I feel, but they’re on Facebook (I can’t use the FB abbreviation, I think of fuckbuddy….) and got their NZ phones so they’re not that far. Still, I’ll save on food bills, so that’s a bonus! I will be telling them that as I’ve done such a good job bringing them up, they can look after me in my old age!
I can totally forget about him and his general assholeness for hours at a time now.
Shirley, not sure about the starting over with being just friends, although I get where you are coming from and if it works – then you have a better chance at regaining your happiness with EO. I don’t know if FWH will ever understand that things won’t be the same for us again. He says he is the man I married, that when he was in the affair he was lost but not gone, that he never wanted to leave me and he never stopped loving me. But it all seems just something he is saying in the present, what he wants now. It’s meaningless b/c in reality he must have felt so different. I’ve got very little respect for him. Or my brother.
FNF, if you're lurking, just want to send you love and warm hugs. Hope you are finding comfort and strength through your family and friends. (((((FNF)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:39 AM, October 7th (Wednesday)]