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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here. H is a ff, not law enforcement, but this seems like the only other place to put this venty thing.... apologies if I"m intruding. (no red vs blue issues)

vent:

the whole "oh sexxy firemenz" is funny in f&g and I get it and laugh along with it, but there are some real concerns and hurtful things that happen as well (not here, but in life/on the job).

when my H is doing his JOB, even while pulling an injured person from a car wreck or dragging hose to a burning building, he really doesn't need to hear "ooooo, firemen "

while he can ignore you, he can't walk away.

ever think that he's married??? yeah, he's sexy, but he's married. would you say these things openly to a tax preparer???

when a child waves at the trucks, it's cute. when googly eyed women do it, it's ... slimy...

want to show your appreciation? just say "thanks for what you do", not "ohhh, you could give me mouth to mouth anytime..." first off, that's so cliche and old... like he's NEVER heard THAT one before.. and secondly, seriously ? cause when he's thinking mouth to mouth he's picturing a near dead person who probably has vomited in their own mouths.. . sexy, oh so sexy...

want a fireman? think you have the brass balls to put up with someone JUST LIKE YOU???

think you can handle being alone for 24 hours at a time 3-4 days a week?

think you have enough to worry about with them possibly getting hurt or dieing in a fire with out the added idiocy of people like YOU coming onto them all the fucking time??

think you can live with not only him, but his work and his crew? cause they don't get left behind when he leaves the station... it's ALWAYS there.

think you can handle him leaving you and your children for weeks or longer at a time when there is a natural disaster? cause that's what they do. you have to hold down the fort. you have to share them wtih others...others in need.

think you can deal with the fact that they often hold the bad stuff in? that it's not all "hero" stuff. and that bad stuff doesn't just manifest itself in bad dreams...it can fuck you up too.

think they hear you "cat calling" and oogling and are going to be blown over and fall in love with you?? no. it's embarrassing to them and makes you look like a floozy. when you're not around they laugh at you and talk about you, and not in a good light.

how it impresses them when you fawn over them while they're boot blocking in front of the walmart, where they can't walk away, where, because they work for the public they can't say "fuck off" or roll their eyes because of your blatant and uncomfortable comments.

you can generalize all you want that all ff are "sexy" (which is NOT true, both physically and emotionally) and that they all love attention and cat calls and are whores... but think about it, some of them are actually nice guys who while appreciate the "thank you's", can see right through the " ohhh, sexy firemen" blather.

and I"m not naive, I know there are ff out there that suck this stuff up (I married a former attention/validating seeking one)...but unfortunately they don't have big red signs attached to their backs. I'll be bringing this suggestion up at the next city meeting though...sarcasm...

whew. I needed that. thanks for letting me "borrow" your forum


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mommy))) and (((unfound))))

mommy my WH is also SD I know exactly how you feel. I am to the point I hate the fact WH is LEO because it seems WH has a hard time excepting there are consequences for his bad behavior. He dosn't get speeding tickets, blatantly drives fast, if he DUI probably get out of that one too..and a lot of other things. Also lie as part of the job, so it becomes second nature, and is encouraged to get results in investigations and can be used on the victim as well as the suspect. WH has been LEO for over 20 years, I knew him as a teenager thats the guy I fell in love with, did the job make the man? I don't know for sure.

Unfound I am sure you are welcome here I really empathize with you. There is that hero worship or rescuer fantasy that sooo many women have, they are screwed up and see a FF or LEO as the knight in shining armor to rescue them.

I am sure thats what WH's OW thought, she is a waitress in her 20's. He went in there while on duty for dinner and the rest is history as they say. She saw a hero he saw a hero worshipper and wham all intelligence seems to leave the brain.

[This message edited by tearsofjade at 6:53 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Troi
♀ Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I just found this thread. I saw someone talk about LEO schedules and yes it has affected how we are able to talk and work on things.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tearsofjade- I have never considered that LEO's do live in a world with no consequences! This explains a lot, including my FWH's ONS!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
KLinNoCA
♀ Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfound--

thanks for posting--we needed to hear this from a FF point of view as well as LEO---


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
where am i
Member
Member # 26064
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX is a police officer and a corrections officer. i was doomed from the beginning.

when i tried to explain to my lawyer (we are separating) the MAJOR role i played in his career - he left for training when my kids were 1 and 3, i worked full time, took care of the fixer upper house, and raised 2 GREAT kids for the three and a half years he was based elsewhere - the lawyer said "that is not considered a career, they mean like a doctor or something"

i said "wtf, I hope your wife cheats on you so she can say how she supported your almighty "career" asshole.

spouses of LEO and FF have a hefty price to pay. i remember talking just weeks before i found out about his A, about how we were so lucky not to be included in that high percentage of divorce rate among LEO and FFs.

what an ass i am.

it's unbelievable. and let us not forget the freakin' nurses who work in the jails.

let me out of here.

[This message edited by where am i at 1:01 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]


i know there's a balance, i see it when i swing past.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: WESTERN NEW YORK
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Troi: If you're still around, have you been able to overcome the issue of there not being any good time to talk? We had what was probably our last big blow up on Monday night when I confronted him about not responding to my letter pleading for him to honor our marriage. We are now going to D; it was the final straw. WH is distraught and blames his responses on being so tired after work (he works the swing shift and gets home at 10:30pm. But there is NEVER a good time to talk. It's so frustrating.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, we have the problem with time for talking big time. If he isn't working his regular shift 3-11pm, then he has court in the morning, he works OT as much as possible because he is in his final 3 years before retirement and these 3 years income are averaged to determine his retirement income. My work schedule is part time most of the year I either work 6am to about noon or 10am to 4 or so. I have to get up at 4am on the days I start at 6, so WH and I go days without even seeing each other.

He doesn't like having "those" conversations while at work, but he's always at work! He is in a patrol car so he does have privacy, but may have to get off the phone fast and I know its not the best time to have these talks, but especially close to DDay I was a mess needed to talk he was not available.

We are going to counseling today together FINALLY, its been hard to schedule because of his work. Finding time to talk will be on the list of things to deal with so I will share any new insights I may get with you.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that our MC said to do was put some nice music on, she suggested Etta James, At Last, maybe something that means something to you. While having talks-dance. We are going to try this, just haven't had a chance yet, the time issue is a bad one for us.

I just found out WH is going undercover again. Last time his hours were all over the place. At first I was very unhappy about this, but I think it can work better, he won't be wearing his uniform any more so that part of the attention getting will be lessened. He is going to have to be totally transparent about logging his hours so I can see. He carried on with the skank and I thought he was working late!


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Dealan-de
♀ Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask a kinda OT question?

Does anyone elses spouse work in an agency that is shady at best and downright crooked at worst?

Every her the adage "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutly?"

That's the PD he works for.

Since he's been honest and trying to be a Godly man, this is driving him completely nuts (and me through him). He's in the process of looking for another agency...but in the meantime...what can he do?

It's so bad that he and another officer went to the DA about a specific incident and since the department swept it under the rug, the DA is investigating.

UG! The stress! I thought we were past this kind of stress!

Sorry. I had to vent.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
Dealan-de
♀ Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay.

Little bit more vent...

IT'S NO EFFING WONDER THESE GUYS AND GIRLS THINK THEY CAN CHEAT WHEN THE PEOPLE THEY REPORT TO ARE CROOKS!!!!!

I hate dishonesty!

Okay.

I MIGHT be done now.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealan-de, I have no advice for you on that one. I can only imagine the horrible situation that would be for you both.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Troi
♀ Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't popped in here for a while..

(((Sad in AZ))), sorry to hear about you... I think FWSO line of work is contributing to our diffculties to be honest.

..what we have finally done is sit down and schedule "relationship meetings" in advance. We pulled out his schedule and my schedule and picked one time a week to set aside and talk about us. He doesn't like to talk about stuff while he is at work because then he is not in a safe mindset..he says.

I have the additional "problem" though that I think he is ADD. So wehen he has time off..he can't get things done like work through our relationship program in the time he has available since he won't do it other times.

Also, I get frustrated because life isn't convenient...one shouldn't have to schedule times because a person can't deal with things when they come up...life happens without plans.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Troi. I've come to realize that our problems don't stem from his not having the time or energy to talk; the whole mess is because he's still deep in the fog. He would never schedule any time for talk because he reallly did not want to talk; just sweep it under the rug and hope that it would go away.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Eight13
♀ Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Troi and Sad,

If I might be so bold, I think both your WS's aren't being honest with you two. It seems to me both WH's are using their LEO careers / schedules to cover their lies and manipulations. It's the oldest trick in a cop's book: "working overtime!" or "stopped to have a few beers with the guys" or "got hung up on a late call" or "There's no way I could be having an affair, what with my schedule!" or "Ask my partners, they'll tell ya there's no one else"....

Don't let your WH's off the hook. LEO or not, use the BS wisdom of all the SI'ers before us. Their advice pertains to everyone: cops, pastors, the unemployed, addicts, everyone.

The main difference I see with being a LEO, or being involved with a LEO, is LEO's get paid to put on a game face. To manipulate situations so we don't lose control. There are times our lives depend on it. We're good at buying time, deflecting blows (physical or verbal), misleading others (even if only temporarily), earning trust, getting what we want in a timeframe that best suits us. It's what we get paid to do. And we can be very good at it. It isn't a sickness or mental illness, it's simply skills we develop and fine-tune every day.

It's learning to shut those skills down at home that is the tricky part.

Best of luck to both of you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Jade1964dream
♀ Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I have to laugh, but I can and cannot believe this thread is 5 pages long, thus far!

Raising my hand, 1st XH, PO, did the deed while on the job, even got the youngin pregnant. Yes, say hero worship!

2nd XH, CAHP (thought they were raised differently during their training, HAH!). Was having EA on the job, so no 'away from home' time required.

You'd think some sort of law should be around because most of them do it while on the job; whereas, if proven they do it while on the job, there is no ifs ands or buts, they're fired. If they were to physically abuse someone, say a spouse, a criminal, they're scrutinized, suspended, even fired; why not when fooling around while on the job? We're paying their f'ing salaries!! We're not paying for them to cheat, so why should we have to tolerate it?

Instead, time after time, you see how they cover up for each other; really is a sad mentality. They have a job to do, to serve and protect the public; just as we all do our jobs. I understand the stress they're under, but it's their chosen profession, we all have stress in our jobs - they might get physically hurt in their jobs, others get hurt with mental stress and end up with heart attacks, etc. No, of course, not in the numbers LEOs and FFs get hurt, but again, we choose our professions. Low pay? Really? Maybe in some departments, but LEOs and FFs are well paid, well benefitted, with excellent retirement plans.

Unfound, yes, they may laugh at the Ho's, but some/most of them will still do it with badge bunnies, while laughing.

I met a guy recently, Sheriff, NO THANK YOU! I realize not every LEO is that way, but since 2 of them are now XHs, not for me!

Oh, I want to add, when I met XH #1, he was not a PO - we were married for two years before he became one. When I met XH #2, he was not in uniform, then I got queasy when I found out, didn't want to get involved; his sweet talk/promises worked. I guess what I'm saying is, the job may contribute since women do throw panties at them, but I definitely believe there is a character flaw within some/most of them. I said some/most, not all of them.

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 7:22 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am married to a police officer and always thought my husband was different from the other guys. This kind of job definitely lends itself to infidelity. Besides the ot excuses & the ability to take lost time that make it easy to disappear at will- I feel that the force almost goes out of its way to exclude family from police functions. (At least that's the way it is in my husband's pct.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Eight13
♀ Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to offer insight into the inner-struggles of being a LEO. But I think I came off too strong, so let me add this:

LEO's can be some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. LEO's fiercely protect what they value. LEO's typically have passion and they can be risk-takers - they sometimes push the envelope.

But if the LEO is on your side, they can be the greatest friend, lover, partner you could ever dream of. For every cheating LEO I know, I probably know five (or more) who'd die before they'd let their spouse down.

I think it takes a special person to understand a LEO. And then love them anyway.

Don't let a WS-LEO off the hook because of what they do or the schedule they keep.

But remember they're human too. Imperfect. Fallible.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Troi
♀ Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I might be so bold, I think both your WS's aren't being honest with you two. It seems to me both WH's are using their LEO careers / schedules to cover their lies and manipulations.

Eight13..yes, he did use his schedule as a means for his A last year. In fact he told me once he might have to go into work...but when the day came he couldn't go through with the lie so he could be gone the whole evening (he met the OW#2 for his planned sexcapade for oct 14 at the red roof inn and cut it short to be home by the time I got home) ..he was distraught when I got home and I knew something was up. now he gives me copies of his schedule, which he wasn't before..

his problem is for sure time management..that isn't new though :)

(edited to expain the RRI story a little better)

[This message edited by Troi at 11:31 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
Dealan-de
♀ Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealan-de, I have no advice for you on that one. I can only imagine the horrible situation that would be for you both.

Thanks TOJ. Apparently the Rangers were at the PS yesterday investigating what was turned into the DA. Oi!

I really hope they come down on these guys.

the oldest trick in a cop's book: "working overtime!" or "stopped to have a few beers with the guys" or "got hung up on a late call"

Let's not forget part times. That's how the Wookie kept it going - she'd ride the bus (she has no license or car) to the place, then when it closed he'd give her a "ride" home. Blech. He still works one of them and EVERY stinking time he goes to that particular one I trigger so bad.

Jade1964 - at least a Sherriff is an ELECTED position. I know they can be shady, but they usually don't want to mess up any good standing with the voting public.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 272
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