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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nooneevertought-

Thank you, I thik that is what I know needs to happen. I appreciate it and also know that when he goes out on patrol he will be all of the deputies who where hired 8 years ago, who came to our wedding and know me which is very comforting to me as well.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy, I know it is hard, but at some point we have to hand some control to our H and pray that it all goes well. You are still pretty early in this, but, you have come along way.....Have some faith in the process.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad in AZ, Does he still work with any of these OW?


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He works with 2 of the 3. The first one (his confirmed PA) has left the DOC. The second (his EA and 'BFF') still work in the same unit, but their shifts don't always overlap. The most recent was his immediate supervisor but was transferred to a different shift. He no longer drives her to work because of this. I suspect she may have been sexually harrassing him; he told me he had to speak to his lieutenant about her always asking for rides, but really, in the scheme of things, that is neither here nor there. He keeps getting involved in these KISA situations and making an ass of himself.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Sad, I am almost thinking bidding a new facility won't do any good. He needs to have boundries in place no matter where he works or it will always be an issue. Have you asked him to change facilities?


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, net, I have asked him to quit!!! He has 10 years in; he is fully vested and can leave with 2X the money he has invested in his retirement fund. He already has a tax free pension from the PD. I would be happy to have him be a SAHH; however, I think he likes the drama.

I have to leave the post now, as I have a meeting to attend. Thanks for this forum.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW... alot going on in here.

Just thought I would stop in and suggest a book. It is called, "I Love a Cop".

Really full of alot of info on what is involved in the job. My H's dept. gives this book to all new recruits and their family/spouse. It really seems to help. Sure would have made it easier if it had been available when we first got married!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Frustrated  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone here had to deal with LEO spouse threatening suicide? As a former supervisor for an I&R/crisis hotline, I know to take suicide threats seriously, but my WH is a drama queen (not casting aspersions, but the shoe fits him...) He was brought up on high drama and revels in it. We had one critical incident during a very heated argument when he locked himself in the bedroom and was threatening to shoot himself; I told him I had my cell phone in my hand and was calling 911--he yelled out "Don't do it; I'll loose my guns!" Ugh.

This past week, however, he has made more veiled threats; he knows I am on the verge of calling an attorney to start D proceedings because he is still in the fog and probably involved with yet a third OW.

I've considered asking our DS to take all of the guns out of the house; he has a CCW permit. I'm not sure where he could take them, and I really don't want to involve him in this mess; WH is already trying to make him choose sides.

Can anyone weigh in?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ggrahamrob
♀ Member
Member # 25555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is a former PO. He lost his job about a month ago for having sexual relations with one of his confidential informants. This was his second A, the first being with a co-worker PO. I remember when we were first married, one of his PO buddies was joking about sex, and he made the comment that my husband "was a cop, he'll have an affair." I thought, "surely not." Must be true. I reallly think it comes down to ego so much. My husband admits to starting the sexual relationships with these women. He was in a position of power with both of these women. On the first affair, he was her supervisor, on the second he was obviously the controlling factor if she went to jail or not. Pretty fucked up, huh.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Independence, Kansas
ggrahamrob
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Member # 25555
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To Sad in AZ,
On the day my husband admitted his second affair about three weeks ago, he also admitted that he had planned to kill himself the previous week. He had started selling and giving away all of his guns and other important items, and had planned to shoot himself one Wednesday afternoon. Luckily he was able to hook up with a friend who was very helpful. The feelings of shame in these guys is so intense. Over the last four months, he had lost about 20 pounds, and he was quite depressed. He had been over worked for about two years and had become very depressed, which I believe led into the A. These guys really need psychological help. You may have to go to his supervisor to get that done. Unfortunately for my husband, he was forced to resign, and now he will have to face getting help on his own. These guys have such a difficult time admitting weakness that they are almost willing to die before they will ask for help. Someone in authority over him will probably have to make him, which would be a good excuse for him to do it; "the boss made me get help" kind of thing.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Independence, Kansas
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ggrahamrob: I'm sorry to hear about your troubles; I hope your WH can get help. I'm not sure that going to the supervisor will help; the prison is a cesspool of infidelity and other bad behaviors. I believe his current fling is his (now former) supervisor ; he had been driving her to work almost every day. We had many 'discussions' over the fact that this was inappropriate; she was sending him pornographic texts under the guise of 'jokes'.

I've been trying to get him into counseling, but he is really afraid of what he'll hear; he's been a mess for a long time. Also, he has no confidence in mental health providers because he works with them (he works in the prison hospital unit) and they are a bigger mess than their patients.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is in a job very similar to prison guard, and his odd shifts did give him the cover to have multiple(supposedly only) ea's. He had an overnight shift, a long commute, he 'took naps' on the way home.

There was discussion a page or two back about changing jobs. I found out about all the ea's in one fell swoop-- and they were going on at two different places he worked, and with one woman who had moved to a different job. I never asked him to change jobs because I realized by then he'll do as he pleases, regardless of where he is. It's not about the ow, it's about his personal lack of integrity and poor boundaries, and willingness to lie to me if it feels good to have these secrets and women on the side.

Somebody else mentioned always coming in last. Same thing here. Part of the reason he got away with it for so long was that he was always so tired (poor guy, now I know why), always coming from or going to a shift, and trying so hard to be a good father. So I waited and waited and waited, till there was a 'good time' to talk. I'm now a little more cynical and believe he was making sure there was never a good time. And it's still happening. I've finally realized neither I nor this marriage is a priority.

We've been through MC-- 2 mc's. And I learned from that, that mc is only as good as the WS wants it to be. In our case, he was not ready to be honest, he continued to lie to the counselors and to me, and mc turned out to be even worse than doing nothing. He even managed to convince one of the mcs that I was the problem.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovin Life-

I read that book when H started the SD, very great book!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovin life and mommy0508,

Do you think that book applies to other CO's or just PO's?


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I have been on this site almost daily for almost two years and just now saw this ICR Topic- thanks mods!

FWH is a PO. When he was a rookie at his first PD he was very much himself, but moved to a bigger department with better money and everything changed. There was a different attitude at the new dept which almost condoned drinking, sleeping around, etc... FWH got caught up with it. Even though we were each other's first, he had a ONS (badge bunny/abused MOW- can you say KISA?) while out of town on training. I sat at home with a toddler trying to be the "perfect" understanding LEO wife, SAHM, and sex kitten.

More recently I caught him pre-PA with a MOW secretary at the PD. Not a year later she was moved for having an A with another PO (guess she was a badge bunny too?)! FWH thought she "was just being nice".

I have never liked his job. I have always been a little jealous of his partners (male or female) for how much quality time they get to spend alone together. How often do we get to spend 8, 10 or 12 straight hours with our spouses talking about life and sharing in triumphs and tragedies?

I have also been a little sickened at times when some PO's seem to feed off the drama of their job like the stress of the job is the reason they "act out". In my FWH's case he has never had anyone to hold him accountable for his actions.

We are in R. FWH has had to really work at not falling for KISA moments and not looking for affirmation.

I'm just working on trying to find joy again.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
logan2512
♀ New Member
Member # 25853
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a PO and a WW. I have to admit, I've been in this line of work for 15 years and it was never an issue for my fidelity. My BH and I had been together for 4 yrs. I went through a period of depression. I needed meds. The only part of this job that may have contributed to the A was that it's hard to admit a mental health issue. I ended up having an EA with my high school BF (20 yrs ago was HS) I finally got the help I needed and the meds. It's too late for My BS and I though. I should add the A was for around 6 months and was physical 3 times. My BS knows all.

I guess I'm posting here because I need a release for my sadness. What I did crushes me. Although it can't compare what I did to him. I always felt I was different from all of the infidelity that goes with this line of work. I still don't believe it happened because of what I do. Ido think though that if I didn't do this job I could have admitted that I had a REAL problem and when he suggested seeing someone (Dr.) I wouldn't have dug in my heels, crossed my arms and said NO WAY, NOT ME


Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Logan, I think it is great that you are venturing over here and giving us the POV from the WW side.

I still don't believe it happened because of what I do. Ido think though that if I didn't do this job I could have admitted that I had a REAL problem and when he suggested seeing someone (Dr.) I wouldn't have dug in my heels, crossed my arms and said NO WAY, NOT ME

In this one sentence you had it both ways. You may not have had the A because of your job title, but, your environment stunted your ability to seek help. I think that is what most of us struggle with. My H didn't have an affair because of what his job is but the environment gave it breeding ground.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still haunted by a situation that came to light recently. FWH's EA/OW from a year ago works in his dept. She was recently caught by her BH in a PA with one of my FWH's supervisors. In other words, she went from my H to someone else's within a few months. I never told her BH the first time because I was told he knew. I believed it because I must be the most gullible person ever! So, I asked if the new BW knows and I have been "told" that she does. I don't know her. I feel horrible if she doesn't know. Any advice?


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I would trust that she does. If you can reach her, even by mail, I would let her know. If she already knows, then nothing you do will make a difference....but if she doesn't know....it will make a BIG difference.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am pissed off today. Nothing happened and I am not bagggin on PO, they are great people that do things most people can't.

But goddamn it that F-ing department my H works in pisses me off! I know there are good PO up there and good people in general. But how do I not be mad at each and every one of them. Why are there no repurcussions to PO who have A with another PO. I feel like all the women are easy and all the men are horny (know that is not true, but that is how I feel). I get anxiety when I see a sheriff's vehicle or someone dressed in uniform at sheriffs department.

How do I get past this and to the point where I am able to meet his friends at the sheriff's department without wanting to kick them in the balls and then throw up?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 272
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