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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true. That’s why – despite it sounding selfish – allowing the LEO an extra 40 minutes to get home because he/she is thrashing a treadmill or pounding the road could be beneficial for both. As in all marriages it boils down to BOTH partners thinking whets best for the family and not what’s best for them.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5309 | Registered: Sep 2005
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole experience has been very eye opening for both of us and he has shared how stressed work can make him. He always seemed "ok" so I didn't ask.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Eight13
♀ Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badge bunnies

I like "holster-sniffer" better

On a more serious note, thanks to Bigger - and Mods - for bringing this forum back around in quick fashion. It was starting to swirl there.

My history: my WS is a PO; I am also a PO. I think many officers have similar traits: type-A personalities, stubborn, judgmental, and very good at having a "game face." Need us to be sensitive at a death scene? We're sensitive. Need us to be tough with a suspect? We're tough. Need us to be both of those things, 3 seconds apart? No problem. That "game face" isn't who we are, it's what we do. And it can be exhausting. Perhaps PO's begin to get emotionally tired (lazy?) and may start to seek out people who don't challenge them, don't question them, who totally admire them and "worship" the ground the PO walks on. Enter the holster-sniffer, badge-bunny, blue-light whore, and the rest is history.

IMHO, and in my situation, my PO WS left me for a holster-sniffer. He needed someone he felt superior to and that he could "control" without exerting much effort. Easy for Mr. Lazy. Makes him feel powerful and important at home, just like he feels at work.

But how long can it last? I think a lot of cops find life is sort of dull when there isn't at least a little bit of danger involved. As long as the affair is a little dangerous, it will hold it's appeal.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guarded and nooneverthought,

my FWH is a CO also. He's only been on the job for about a year.

He is currently 'friends' with another CO. They talk about the job, so he says. I don't like that the conversations are so long (usually when I'm not around), I have confronted him on this and the conversations are not that often or that long. I've been trying to monitor as much as I can. He doesn't do overtime and he doesn't have any unaccounted time. I don't think anything physical is going on but feel like it could lead to that. Any advice on how to handle would be great.

I am going to let him know (again) that with him talking to her about the job and not talking to me about it gives me a bad feeling about their 'friendship'


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((karma))

I didn't think my H had any unaccounted time for either, boy was I wrong. If you are uncomfortable with the friendship, he needs to end it. There are far more male counterparts to befriend. I am sorry you are going through this....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so how do you communicate with a PO if you are not one? I get the confidetiality, I work for a law firm, so I totally get it.

My H had an A with another PO so how could I possibly communicate with him on any other level that OW can't? Especially since as a PO it is a very trying and difficult job to shut off when you go home.

So OW can talk with my H without having to worry about the confidentiality or understanding that comes with being a PO. What do I have to offer?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mommy))

By saying things like

"Was your day stressful" "would back rub relieve some tension"

they may not be able to share names with you but they can share situations.

"God, babe you look so tired today, did you need a cup of coffee before the kids climb all over you"

You can relate to him in a much more intimate way because you can't talk specifics. I know my H doesn't need to give me nity gritty details, he just wants to know I care how his day went.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nooneverthought,

I've told him that I'm not comfortable with it, he has some male co-workers he speaks with, he says she's like one of the guys.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
NancyNY
♀ Member
Member # 25490
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this section. My H is retired NYPD. Things changed after 9/11 for us. Yes being married to a cop is stressful enough, but then 9/11 happened, then his retirement and we moved from NY and trying to adjust to being together 24/7. That is why when he did NOT cover his tracks at all, I know he wanted to get caught. We have had some great talks lately and so much of the A seems to be about getting even with me because he thought I did not love him or had him high enough on my list, lower than the dog is how he puts it.

I think he finally gets it that he made the choice to go down that path, nothing I did or didn't do helped him decide to do this to me. He now realizes just how much I love him and always have and I do not think he had any clue as to the pain he now has to see daily in my eyes, nor how many tears he is having to wipe from my cheeks.

I think he is going to join this site. I am hoping it will help him/us/me to start on the path of R. We cannot afford therapy right now so we are going to try this first.

He has always been my hero, the man I looked up to to keep me safe, I trusted him 100% and now everything is gone, but my love...I just hope it is enough to keep us together while we work at saving us.

Thanks for reading!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Sep 2009
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NancyNY -

I am sorry you are here but hope this sight helps with your pain management.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
NancyNY
♀ Member
Member # 25490
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I was kind of surprised that LEOs got their own place, but every one knows that so many women throw them selves at any thing in uniform, badge bunnies, holster sniffers....oh and the names go on and on....who all are wanting to just get screwed by a cop. To me he is just my husband, not a cop just the man I love

Posts: 147 | Registered: Sep 2009
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is how I feel. I fell in love with my H long before he became a PO.

And he is a good man and a great PO. It has changed him in many ways good and bad. But all people change regardless of what they do for a living.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Valleywoman
♀ Member
Member # 22841
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I am so here. My H became a C/O after we'd been married 20 years. Now he is a PA. I too remember him telling me about the academy and how cadets were 'falling in love' about the 5th week and already making plans to leave spouses.

I never liked him having a female partner. They share things that I cannot be a part of or understand. That gives them a common ground that leaves me out.

His OW died 3 months after the A. I recently asked him if she was trying to take him away from me. Absolutely not. She just wanted something new, after all she'd had everyone else in the office. His explanation: I was stupid.

I didn't read every post here, but I bet I can relate to every one.

Thank you for this topic.


Me: 55
FWH: 57
Married 37 years, together 41
11-08 Saw homemade dvd starring FWH
2/09 found obit of 2nd woman (coworker) naming my FWH as 'love of her life'.
9-20-09 found 2nd dvd. working on 2nd reconciliation. Go ahead, kill me now.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karma,

I've told him that I'm not comfortable with it

Ugghhhh, that is so disrespectful of him. If it is not in your comfort zone then he should refrain from the calls.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nooneeverthought,

my sentiments exactly. he has had less telephone conversations with her and I did make him return a call to her in front of me. But because of our history, I do not like it and I do not trust him and because she is not a friend to our marriage (meaning I don't know her)I do not trust her.

However, I do have her cell number, home number and badge number, just in case.

I want to believe that he is finally seeing my side of this but who knows that might just be my heart telling me what I want to hear...


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Valleywoman:

I never liked him having a female partner. They share things that I cannot be a part of or understand. That gives them a common ground that leaves me out.

Oh, boy...no offense, but as a female on the other side of this, my hackles raised a little on this comment. Not a police office, H and I both paramedics, but have many characteristics in common, although we do get to the be the good guy more often.
Worked with plenty of male partners and choose not to get emotionally or physically involved with them, other than friends. Yet WH choose to go out of field to have several affairs. Any job can get that closeness, that feeling of sharing someone that your spouse doesn't...women have worked too hard to get decent jobs as PO, FF and EMT-Ps to get seen as a danger to their partner's relationship.
It is the wayward spouse that puts us in that position....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no need for raised hackles leapyear... valleywoman was very clearly speaking of HER H, and HER feelings about HER situation... she wasn't making sweeping generalizations at all about any group of people...

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 9:49 AM, September 21st (Monday)]


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H did his shift bid today, he got on A-team and she is on B-team, they don't bid again until June 2010 so that is a good thing.

Very proud of him and an added bonus is he has Thurs-Sat off and every other Sunday so Thankgiving, Christmas, New Years, Superbowl we will be able to spend together.

I do have a question though. He has turned down patrol a few times now but said he would go out in June, I am not sure he is ready to take that step however know the big reason for him doing it is for my security. Any comments on this. I would feel much more comfortable with him on patrol so he can get away from HC but I also don't want to jepordize his safety.

How do I get past my selfish reasons and make sure he is doing it for the right reasons and comfortable with that decision?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, do I have to open my eyes more! I was so interested in this thread being opened, and I missed it! Our 'full' story is in my profile/journal.

I am the spouse of a retired PO/current CO. WH was seriously injured in the LOD and eventually had to retire. It was hell for a long time because he was so depressed, so I moved us lock, stock and barrel to another state to get his mind off of the job. He did many other jobs in between PO and CO, but he has been a CO for the past 10 years.

WH has always had female friends, and I was never concerned. He had a female partner in the PD, and I didn't give it a second thought. Now, after 2 confirmed As and another one that is about to break, I'm not so sure about those past friends, but that is for another time and topic.

I feel strongly that men and women can truly just be friends as long as strong boundaries are observed. My WH always presented himself as an upstanding moral figure, and I believe that he was. It was when he started working in the correctional facility in our city that the problems started. He had previously worked in another city, commuting 1 1/2 hours each way, so I guess there was no time for an affair.

He currently works in the hospital unit; his first two OW were/are nurses. The most recent is his immediate supervisor!

WH has always been open about most of his worklife; we went into his vocation with open eyes--he didn't become a PO until we had been married for 7 years. I think I have a good understanding of what he went through as a PO and what he goes through now as a CO. I know there are things that he does not want to or cannot discuss, and I accept that. I have stuck by his side through near death and other serious injuries and through unfounded criminal investigations (as a CO). I helped him with his course work when he was in both academies; I helped him write his defense statements when he was unjustly accused on excessive force. He has paid me back with infidelity.

I'm sorry this was so long; I am very happy to have other spouses of LEOs and LEOs themselves to confir with. I have a strong respect for all public servants (including the fire department and EMS workers)who put themselves in harms way to protect us. Thank you.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19157 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy,

He has turned down patrol a few times now but said he would go out in June, I am not sure he is ready to take that step however know the big reason for him doing it is for my security. Any comments on this. I would feel much more comfortable with him on patrol so he can get away from HC but I also don't want to jepordize his safety

Trust his training and that he will always follow safety protocols. He has a dangerous job no way around it but safeguards are in place to minimize the danger as much as possible

When my H transferred after 14 long months in R, he is a new man, I mean literally, you can just see all that cloud gone. He had IC today and she took one look at him and said what is different? He no longer has the worst choice of his life in his face. Let him bid whatever he feels will be in the best interest of your M. Many BS's are dreaming for their WS to do that.

[This message edited by nooneeverthought at 6:07 PM, September 21st (Monday)]


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

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