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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
LOSTinaBook
♀ Member
Member # 30309
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'm trying to wrap my head around this thread.

I was searching through ICR because lately I don't fit neatly into any other forum (I'm separated and on the fence about R or D)

I saw this thread and immediately got scared. My WH met his AP at work. His job is a major trigger for me, but I would never ask him to leave because it's his family's business. So basically I have to decide: am I going to accept his job and R or not accept and D.

He has decided on his own free will that he is leaving his job.

He has decided he wants to be a state police officer and takes his test in a week and a half.

I am a teacher so have worked events with POs (they're in most high schools)and usually love working with them; great men and women. A couple of weeks ago a fellow teacher and I were working a sports game and there were 2 POs on duty. One of them told the other teacher she was cute and he wanted to take her out on a date. The other PO said are you crazy?! This guy is married with 3 kids and wants to take her out on a date! The PO made a joke of it, but I was disturbed by it, considering what I'm going through (most of my coworkers don't know I'm separated).

Anyway, my point, I thought wow cheating is so commonplace every where you look! I didn't make any sort of connection to infidelity and Law Enforcement. However, when WH said he wants to become a PO, this is the first thing that came to my mind! I started wondering, is this what happens when they're with their partner and are feeling cocky? What if they don't have a grounded partner like this PO did to bring him back down to reality and say "hello! you have a wife! you have a family!"

So I guess now that I've rambled, my question is this:

This thread is to provide support because you are affected by infidelity and you have some sort of association to Law Enforcement?


fBW-me, 26 (now 29)
xWH-he

Divorced.
S (H e) B E (L i e) V E (d).


Posts: 318 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: East Coast
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 17th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOSTinaBook, sorry about such a delay in response. I hope you still check the thread now and again.

This thread is to provide support because you are affected by infidelity and you have some sort of association to Law Enforcement?

That's it, exactly. LEO's share common experiences, trials, problems. It's the 'Band of Brothers' effect.

Unfortunately, infidelity is common in the business, but it's notable that it affects both sides of the marriage.

Myself, I'm a BH. The OP was my shift supervisor. I know several officers at my location that have been cheated on. I also know several officers that have cheated on their SO's.

Infidelity is an integrity issue. Job-related stress may be a factor, but at a persons's core, regardless of his/her vocation, low integrity and selfish thinking is the determining factor.

Your SO wants to be Po-Po. If he earns that badge it could be the best thing that ever happened to him. But, if he is predisposed to adultery, and lacks the inner integrity to be true to you, he'll follow that path no matter what he's doing for a living. On the other hand, if he's seen the light, this may be his time to shine.

The stress of the job can place enormous burdens on a marriage. Are you both strong enough to go through it?


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
Linds
♀ New Member
Member # 32385
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here and this is my first post. I'm not all up on what the abreviations are, so I will write it all out.
I was married 8.5 years before we decided to divorce.
Ex worked for the family business before decing to go back to school for LE.
While in school, and then after, he was different. His first EA was while he was in school.
Not sure when the OW came into play, if it was during or after we decided to D, but a month after he moved out, he moved in with her. She is also a PO. 6 months after that they bought a house together.
He is a POS and I am better off without him. It has been a little over a year since out D was final.
I still struggle with the 'loss' of it all.
All while he was doing this, I was working my ass off and had 2 small children, who are 13 months apart.
Everything has to be done his way and its more than annoying.
I am struggling lately with the lonliness. I miss feeling like part of a unit. Or I want to feel like I am part of a unit.
I met and talked with the OW for the first time recently. She seemed nice. But I left and was upset. She has the house, the dog, the guy, etc. Even though I don't want the guy and never really liked the dog.
As I pull away from their house, and drive back to my apt.
I just want to be done grieving. I want to fully move on. But don't know how. Does it just take time? I don't know.
Thanks for letting me vent.


34 years old.
Kids: 5 year old and 4 year old.
Divorce date: 5/2010

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2011
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to be done grieving. I want to fully move on. But don't know how. Does it just take time? I don't know.

Linds, that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? We want a normal life again, one without the memories and pain and grieving. Everyone's different; we all process things individually based on the coping skills we learned (or failed to learn) as children. Time seems to be the one common denominator.

For me, getting above the grief -- not past it, but above it -- was possible only when I fully grasped the simple concept that "It Is What It Is."

Many others here can identify with you. Post and read... Folks here will support you.

Wishing you healing and happiness.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
browniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 31985
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just jumping on this thread but I haven't read through it yet. I don't want to offend any officers here, but as a rule I do find many officers to be defensive and closed off to emotions. I realize that closing off the emotions at work is necessary in order to do your job, but at some point that necessity comes home with some officers and it is very hard on the families. Also, ordering your spouse around is not a good way to handle your spouse. You don't order another adult around, unless you are in a position of power over that person. In a marriage, you are not in power, you are supposed to be in a partnership. I just wanted to say that I know there are many of you who are wonderful, but my WH is not one of them. He attempts to order me and our son around (DS doesn't respond well to this), and he is fairly emotionally unavailable. The man doesn't know how to handle negative emotions well.


Browniegirl

BW- Me 41
WH- 42 (Striker9)
Years together- 18
Years married- 14
D-Day 2-11-11 plus TT thru 5-11
1 11 YO DS
Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hurting
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my H is an officer, but didn't have an affair. However, he did leave me - walked out on me and my kids.

He said in our first counseling session that part of the problem was his KISA. He knows it. When we married, I was right in the middle of my custody battle for my son. He felt so needed. He said that when it was all over, it was a relief for all of us, but then it creeped in that he no longer felt that I needed him for anything other than helping around the house, running the kids around, etc... then he began to feel more "used" than needed.

He is the only child of a mother who is extremely over-mothering. She worships him... and I'm not exaggerating.

Add that to the fact that he is small in stature (although I think he's HOT as hell)... I think he has some sort of "man" complex that he hasn't gone to the inside to fix. I think becoming a cop, feeling "big" helped that. But in our marriage, he wasn't the overbearing type to order anyone around - that was ME. I think my personality tapped right into those insecurities that he has never truly dealt with, and he felt "small"

Now - he blames me for that... and I'll take some of the blame, but it is also something inside of HIM that he needs to look at and own, and work on.

He has terrible self esteem, and did admit that to me on occasion. The problem is, he also held me responsible for it.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19682 | Registered: Aug 2006
lou_lou
♀ New Member
Member # 32668
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sooo much for this thread. My husband has been in LE for six years. I knew him before he was a cop, and I have to say it really hasn't changed him all that much. He always compartmentalized his emotions. The OW worked with him as a Probation Officer, and is a known badge bunny. She began actively pursuing my H even before we were married. She was married as well, and I think she was using my H as a way out of her marriage and into her fantasies about being with the badge.

I, in no way, excuse my H behavior in this situation. He should have been the one to stop what was going on and he didn't. That being said, OW has yet to take any of the responsibility for her role in destroying her marriage, as well as almost destroying mine.

Women tend to look at the uniform and think how wonderful it would be to have a cop for a husband. They don't have the slightest idea of how hard it can be and what a strain it puts on your relationship.

If I ever run into the OW, I would have to tell her Thank You, because while she thought that she could steal my H away from me, she has ultimately brought us closer than we have ever been. So the joke is on her.

[This message edited by lou_lou at 6:11 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 28
WS 33
OW 29
DD March 6, 2010
R Nov 24, 2010

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2011
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumped


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone.
New to this thread. Have scanned through, but not read the entire thing...

My WH is PO. Has been for 19 years. His A started in Dec '10 when we moved. I moved into another state with the kids, 3 hours away, because the financial strain of living in NJ was just too much for us with 9 kids. (so he had an A and made a baby with OW. Cos that helps )

Anyway, something I definitely agree with are the badge chasers... can't tell you how many times in the past my WH came home and would joke and show me numbers women had given him after being on a call (ugh! He was wearing his wedding band and they still gave it to him!)

Also must say that the job... it does almost encourage being unfaithful. Or, at least the officers do.
My husband was actually in a "porn club" with his buddies where 5 or 6 of them would exchange porn DVDs each week.
OR, they would go to each others bachelor parties where the guys would actually hire strippers that would perform sex acts together or on them! (did they not see the irony in themselves paying for something that was illegal? Why do they think they're above the law???)

When my WH's buddies found out about his A (because I went public after being threatened by OW) they joked around, told him he was an idiot, mostly because of the OC and not because he had 9 kids and a wife at home.

Worse, I called his PBA President (Union) and told him what was going on and demanded that my WH be given leave so that we could work on our R his PBA Pres said, " I'll have to look into that. We've never had a wife decide to stay after their husband cheated. Normally they just take the money and run."

How sad is that?


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also must say that the job... it does almost encourage being unfaithful. Or, at least the officers do.
My husband was actually in a "porn club" with his buddies where 5 or 6 of them would exchange porn DVDs each week.
OR, they would go to each others bachelor parties where the guys would actually hire strippers that would perform sex acts together or on them! (did they not see the irony in themselves paying for something that was illegal? Why do they think they're above the law???)

When my WH's buddies found out about his A (because I went public after being threatened by OW) they joked around, told him he was an idiot, mostly because of the OC and not because he had 9 kids and a wife at home.

Not so gently, honey--this can happen in any situation; it is NOT inherent to LEOs. I'm not a LEO, but a long-time LEO spouse--the X was both a PO and a CO. Please don't blame the job; it's definitely a tough one-LEOs need to find stress relief, but most don't turn to infidelity for it. If anything, infidelity leads to more stress.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sad in Az,
Let's be honest here for a moment and give debi her reprieve!
Yes, certainly not all cops are Adulterers, but there sure are a fair share in each dept..
Yes, other professions as well, but I have found that the numbers of LEOs, especially beat cops in college towns, have a better and easier time chasing all types of women.
What I can't figure is why do some view it as a challenge to chase after the married ones with young kids, (as in my sad situation).
I think debi is somewhat correct.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps in your town its normal, but it's a serious insult to the LEOs on this board and to the many friends I've made over the years in law enforcement. Very few of them cheated or 'chased skirt'. My X did not do it while he was a PO, and he was in NYC where there is no limit to 'available' females and badge bunnies...

I can understand from a limited viewpoint that you might feel it's rampant--the X now works as a CO in a state prison, and from his description, it is rife with infidelity, but that is also his limited contact with COs in his unit within a large prison within a very large prison system.

Tread lightly here; we do have members of the force as BSs on this board...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ThisIsUnreal
♂ Member
Member # 33375
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWW had A with PO. They met on internet forum as she wanted to be PO.

When I found out about A, she had just started applying and did false R. I put her through tryouts, the academy and probation. When her probation ended I discovered another pattern that she claims was "just friends" but a month later I got the 'I don't love you speech.' She has two kids from previous marriage and her current weekend/nights schedule corresponds to current custody days. She has no idea what she just did to herself. I suspect in a month, she'll love me again. Too late though.

She's in for a rude awakening. She has never managed a budget. Doesn't know how much things cost.


Me: BH 46
Her: STBXWW 36 - affair in 2008, 2011
Married 5 years, 2 boys.
DDay: 1/3/2009
Big TT: 7/17/2009
Next DDay: 5/8/2011
Divorcing

Posts: 82 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Phoenix
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread. First and foremost, let me say I have always respected his job, and NEVER blamed it for his drinking problems or affairs. Yes, it's a stressful job if you do it well, but many jobs are stressful. If you're 'open' to cheating, you will have no trouble finding affair partners, regardless of what you do for a living. That being said, My WH has been a PO for a long time. Through counseling, he discovered he has the KISA problem, which neither of us ever heard of. WH's job allows for a lot of unaccounted for time, and interaction with OW via face to face time, or cell phone. I can look at his usuage all I want, but he truly has to communicate with SO many people, it's almost impossible to truly monitor. I would imagine it's the same fear spouses have in other lines of work. These days, everyone has cell phones, email, or they spend a lot of time with members of the opposite sex during work. Pretty much everyone can figure out ways to have to have time that isn't accounted for. The KISA problem, however, is a little easier to disguise. A PO is supposed to help people, so I never questioned it for a minute. In fact, I was proud of his desire to help in any way he could. Now, after two affairs and several inappropriate relationships, we do have to watch for warning signs that he is crossing the line of communicating more than necessary. WH knows he gets 'sucked' in easily by a 'damsel in distress.' As for the damsels, it's easier for them to justify as well because again it's his job to be helpful. OW will 'ask for help' right under my nose or in front of my face! They will call his cell phone just to say hi and 'ask a legal' question, and not think anything of it. I get that, but it's just something WH have to monitor together now, to watch for signs of problems. WH still has a tendency to 'minimize' the overtures that a 'damsel' will make. WH still doesn't always 'get' what a potential OW is trying to do by unloading her problems on him. Again, I don't think the KISA effect is limited to PO's, it just seems like it's easier to disguise or hide behind the job.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
smoke fire
♀ Member
Member # 33478
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Error

[This message edited by smoke fire at 9:04 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]


Me- BW 43 years
Him- WH 43 years
Together 20 years
Married 15
DS 12 years
DDAY-- who cares
Status: 2 year roller coaster!

Posts: 792 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Arizona
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at this thread not so much for bashing or berating the job for causing or contributing to infidelity. It's more support for spouses and LEO who have to deal with the fallout of the stress. It's the old emotional blackmail of "Don't have a fight with your LEO spouse because you don't know if you'll see them again." It's a form of rugsweeping that sets the tone for the M.

Any relationship needs open communication; when you shut that down, there is bound to be trouble.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all know the truth, but just don't see through your own, 'Fog'.
When a person decides to step over that line! It's their decision, not yours.
There is something inside the Adulterous person that we cannot see, but the result is always the same; pain, and betrayal.
Repeat offenders, regardless of how some asshole psychologist justifies the motive with a dumb acronym, doesn't change the reality of it all!
Come on! Get Real! Some of us are very nice, loving, trusting people and then there's the rest.
As for you Sad, you continue to ignore the statistics.
I'm not bashing all LEO's. Quite the contrary, we need them, but must weed out the amoral, scumbags that do not follow their own code of conduct.
The damn PBA union is so strong, that it is virtually impossible to fire some of these incompetent abusers.
We, as citizens, have the right to confront this type of behavior in an individual who has taken an oath to protect!, not destroy society.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain, MyPoorBoys, but I'd love to see your 'statistics'. It's very easy to lie with statistics...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you shall ask, you will be shown!
Send them to you on Monday.
Again, I'm not singling out a particular profession, just making a point.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad in AZ, I think you 'hit the nail on the head.' Stats are just numbers, not people, and are open to interpretation and mistakes. It can be a tool to look at, but I don't see it as a focus for me, JMHO. I want all of you here on this thread to know that I support all officers, spouses, regardless of whether you're the WS or not. If we all reach out, and if that helps one marriage, then it's worth it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
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