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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
ginger123009
♀ New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is a P.O. We have been together for over 22 years and married for over 18 yrs. We both work for the Department, but I was unsworn. We were both single when we meet and started dating and never stopped. WS always said to trust him, that he would never do that to me. Years later, I changed positions at work in 2007. I worked for a Tactical Unit, so I was stressed alot, which is why I never saw it coming, but I did feel it. We both worked nights, seeing each other on my breaks, because his office was downstairs. I even thought to myself, He knows where i am at night and it would be the best time to see someone else. Who would question it if he had to go to someone's house that it would not be work related. long story shorter, WS met OP at the restaurant near by, it was a 24 hr place. WS says OP came up to him and gave him, her phone number, but he threw it away. then he just so happened to be at the restaurant by himself, they exchanged numbers, then the calls and texting started. WS started to have problems at work-at this time- and ended up being transfered all over the place. WS says this is when he started his A. All that time I was working a lot of overtime, which i never before did before. I was enjoying my job. WS even said to get as much overtime as I could. I look back and think WS said this to get me out of the house and to be where he could find me. We still went on trips, to Hawaii, Vegas, Orland, Reno-Tahoe but he would rarely take a day off to just take off, it was a fight. I never thought to look at our cell phone records,I was use to him having a Dept cell. On 123009 I walked into to our bedroom to fold laundry and saw him laying on the bed and immediately put something under the pillow, he then ran out saying he had to go to the bathroom. I looked under the pillow and looked through his phone, only saw a stupid text. I didn't do anything, I guess I froze. I did try to remember the number, to check on it later, then 01-01-10,DDay, I looked at the cell records I called him at work and demanded he come home (it was also a primo-pay day), which he did, and it hit the fan. He seems remorseful, has been taking me places, we have date night, just came back from the Bahamas, planning another trip to Vegas, which we both enjoy. I just wish he would be more truthful and open about his actions then, instead of me finding things out like a detective, which I am not. He says he doesn't think about her and wishes he could have that time period blocked from his memory, me too. To me - he just wants to sweep it under the rug and not fix what went wrong in him to begin with. Its like, I don't care what he did, but why he crossed the line. He says he never called the OP or to end things but OP changed her phone number- :). I called the OP and left a message which I never received a call back. I was nice and to the point, kept saying to myself "act like a lady". Wonder if she got the hint.I now,keep repeating to my self what i saw someone post on of the forums- "THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL", and so far we are. Now, we text, call and send each other pictures. We do more things together. We even talk more. I have even gone out to where he works, just like a buckle bunny, except that it's "my buckle" and I am his "bunny". This is a 2nd chance I hope we can beat the odds.

[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:13 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
ginger123009
♀ New Member
Member # 29509
DOH!  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FAR TOO MANY PO'S CROSS THE LINE INTO INFIDELITY WHICH IS WHY ALOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT. I BELIEVE THERE IS A VERY SMALL NUMBER WHO DO NOT STRAY, THAT MAINTAIN THE HONOR, INTEGRITY AND LOYALTY. THEY MADE A PROMISE TO PROTECT AND SERVE AND SOME CARRY THAT INTO THEIR LIVES.I RESPECT THOSE WHO HAVE, JUST WISHED I KNEW WHO THEY ARE. I HAVE SEEN TOO MUCH TO HAVE NOT SEEN WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY MARRIAGE. I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT MY ROSE-COLORED GLASSES ARE BROKEN. HE BROKE THEM WHEN HE CROSSED THE LINE. FOR THOSE WHO MAINTAIN UR INTEGRITY "THANK YOU" IT HELPS ME BELIEVE THERE ARE REAL GOOD GUYS AND GALS.

[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:20 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
Herzschmerz
♀ Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is LEO too. He was promoted to detective last year. His A doesn't directly have to do with his job. But a traumatic event while on the job helped set the stage for the A to happen. His department did not offer adequate help in processing through the incident, and the incident has caused a lot of additional and ongoing stress and trauma for him. So he escaped into a fantasy world to avoid having to deal with it. And that's where OW came in to the picture. She became yet another fantasy world/escape for him.

My WH is a huge compartmentalizer, which I think is a key element in why he cheated. LEOs and other emergency personnel tend to compartmentalize a lot, because it's necessary to keep their sanity given all of the stuff they see and experience. But, there are many officers out there that learn to shut off the compartmentalization when they're at home, and it's not appropriate or healthy. My WH, unfortunately, has not learned this yet.

I do fear that WH is at risk for developing other EA's with female coworkers he considers friends. He will often say that they understand him and the work in a way I never can, because I don't do the job. He doesn't get that this attitude (particularly with other women) sets him up for distructive behaviors, secrecy, and misplaced emotional intimacy. He's a ticking time bomb, unless he finally gets that.

It hurts even more because, outside of our marriage, WH is a very good man. He is extremely good at his job, and is known for his high integrity. He's not a hot-head, he doesn't abuse his power as an LEO, and he is well liked and regarded in the department. He's even a "good guy", and has a lot of integrity with his friends and family. But, when it comes to me, for some reason he turns into a lying, cheating, selfish (possibly narcissistic) jerk who engages in behaviors he KNOWS are wrong and hurtful, because they make HIM feel good. It also pisses me off that I've sacrificed a lot for his career, and worked hard to help him be successful at it, and this is how he repays me... He's going to have a hell of a time, if he ever loses me, finding another woman who not only is as supportive of his career as I am, but also understands it as well as I do (without being an LEO themselves -- and I don't think he could handle being married to another cop).

[This message edited by Herzschmerz at 5:55 PM, October 8th (Friday)]


Me: BS (32)
Him: FWS (32)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 15 yrs, married 4
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 403 | Registered: Oct 2010
ginger123009
♀ New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those BS I found a book, its call "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It seems to have helped me deal better with the hurt and lingering pain. It has helped me talk to him and he seems to be listening this time. He still gets upset when I bring up the subject of his A, but at least right now he is listening. Hope this help someone out there.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it's time to out myself...

I'm the BH, a Corrections Supervisor in a Georgia State Prison. One of the OM was my shift OIC.

Anyone care to guess how many times I was in close proximity to that POS while I was armed? It still amazes me that I'm not now doing a 20-year bid.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
NC_FOOL
♂ New Member
Member # 29863
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a Police Officer and ex military. My wife served in the military as well. Being a PO is very hard on a marriage.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010
shocknawe
♂ New Member
Member # 30153
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am both a BH and a PO. I have been a PO for 12 years and never cheated. My WW had a PA with one of my fellow POS for years while I was working midnights.

I think that anyone who wants to use the job as an excuse/reason for an A is just fooling themselves. You may have had more opportunities for a A due to the uniform but you would have probably had an A no matter what line of work you were in.

For my brothers and sisters in blue who are having, have had, or are considering an A I would like you to think about this. We took this job it was not thrust upon us. But when we accepted the job we were instantly held to a "higher standard" than the average person. Everything we do from that point on, both on and off duty has to be above reproach. If you are found to be a liar and a cheater outside of work then your creditiblity at work will suffer. If you are lucky it will only suffer in the eyes of your fellow POS not the courts or public.

POS, we are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to how the public sees us and it drives me crazy. If we can't make the right decisions in our own lives, outside of work, with little to no stress, then how can we expect the public to trust that we can make the right decisions when someone's life is at risk.

Life, much like work, is pretty simple. Right vs. wrong, leagle vs. illegal, moral vs. immoral. You are a PO and I expect you to do what is legal, right, and moral 24/7.

Brothers and sisters stay safe, watch your six, and good luck!


Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2010
KylieK
♀ New Member
Member # 29922
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone I am new to this site and I was really happy to have found this Forum. I joined this site about three months ago after finding out that my husband was Emotionally cheating on me, so he says it was just texting, which I have doubts but he is an Police officer and the cheating was with a co-worker of his. I cannot tell you how many years that I have joked about how awful the divorce rate is with this profession. And we almost joined this Rate just recently. I do still have my doubts as to if it was just texting and am still hurting very much. It is really hard to trust him now when he goes to work. I am really hating his Job now.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Wellsville, KS
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I buried one of my shift officers tonight -- killed while driving drunk.

He was a BS, his WW ran off with her drug connection and left him alone with their three young children.

This year just sucks.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 2 years out from d-day. I am a BS, FWH is a LEO. WE went to a department party last night. It's been 2.5 years since d-day. I should be fine- right? Wrong!

Those of you who have been to a LEO party can relate.

I sat there and watched all of the LEO's who I know have cheated and I watched them act all bravado in front of each other trying to see who was more masculine. Not once did any of them, except my FWH, walk up and put their arm around their wife! I doubt many of their wives know their husbands cheated, just like I never knew. It was like their wives didn't exist. The wives were all gorgeous (dyed hair, thin, dressed well in an obvious attempt to get some much needed attention from their husbands). Their husbands are so lucky to have them and don't even seem to care. They obviously cared more about what their coworkers thought, and having a gorgeous wife is just part of the expectations of their ongoing "pissing contest".

It reminded me so much of how FWH used to treat me. I cried when I got home. I cried for the wives that were there and I cried for the wife that I used to be. Before I found out about the A, I just wanted affirmation from my FWH. His LEO buddies and their approval always took a front seat. I was just eye candy.

Why do LEO brothers do that to each other? How sad that 2.5 years it can send me into a downward spiral so badly that I cried myself to sleep and am still in bed right now.

FWH said he just wants to chake some of his LEO buddies and shout "you're going to lose her"!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
willhechange
♀ New Member
Member # 30492
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lets see my H was the PO and he had an affair with a PO. He was the commanding offier. He told me that she understands him better because she knows what PO go through everyday. I am still trying to understand what he goes through. He had an affair a month after we got married! He alwys blames the uniform! THey still work together and I am still struggling!


ME: BS
Married 22 years, together 27
Two kids, boys, age 15 and 17
Dday: 10/30/07, again in 2008, 2009, 2010, has not stopped seeing her since
Can't figure out why I am still with him, except for my kids
ow: CO-WORKER

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kentucky
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He alwys blames the uniform!

willhechange : He doesn't deserve to wear the uniform They don't all do this; in fact, most don't do this. It's blameshifting; the brokeness is in him, not as a result of wearing the uniform. Don't let him get away with this.

As for a co-worker being the only one who could understand him--bullshit! I knew everything about stbxwh's work when he was a PO; he held nothing back and we talked about it alot. Unfortunately, stbx's downward spiral started when he had to retire due to an injury; he became a CO here in our adopted state, and the rest is (our) history.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
heart_in_a_blend
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Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a vent I only have praise.

During 2008 I went through DivorceCare. The man that was the leader of my support group was a office of the law. He was so broken hearted and sincere I think I almost fell in love with him.

He was one of the most special people that helped me get through my greatess pain.

I didn't me to t/j this thread.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's good and bad in every walk of life; I'm glad you had a good experience with a LEO. It's always a good thing to dispell stereotypes.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survivinglies - wow I can relate to that even tho I've never gone to a LEO party - what you've described seems to be very consistent with what I do know of his coworker's (and apparently his) attitude.

My thing with this job continues to be the lack of accountability for their time and when the AP is a coworker, well, that's not good...

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
played-a-fool
♂ Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BH and a PO. I saw this thread a long time ago but decided not to post on or even read it because I knew there would be stereotyping. A job does not a man make. I've been on the job since 1991 and my job does not define me. I still have my integrity, honor, and morals.

I don't really know what I wanted to accomplish by posting here but I do hope that people will see that LEOs can be hurt too and we do have hearts.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Played a fool: I agree with you 100%. I hope you didn't take offense to anything I said, I'm not trying to stereotype, but my H definitely does hang out with "that crowd" at his precinct (just like I'm sure there is "that crowd" in other professions).

The issue I have with law enforcement is the opportunity that is present - the freedom of movement, the ability to come home whenever you feel like it by saying you got an arrest, overtime, etc. The inability to call your spouse ona landline and know that he is actually at work, not just on his cell phone, God knows where.
Again - I have the greatest respect for that job. I remain very proud of my H as far as how he performs his job, it's how he abuses my trust under the guise of working (which appears plausible) that just frustrates me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respectfully, it's baloney to say that being a police officer gives more opportunity to cheat than any other profession--what about truck drivers? What about doctors? Even WSs that work at home get out and cheat.

I think the perception comes from the Blue Wall of Silence stereotype perpetuated by the media. Yes, it exists to some extent, but it's not all-pervasive. The other stereotype is that LEOs are all under such enormous stress that they can only vent to their co-workers; once again, I call bullshit. I heard EVERYTHING from my stbxwh when he was NYPD.

I know in my heart of hearts as sure as shit that I knew he was cheating with the skank nurse as a CO at the prison (and still is), I also knew that he was 100% faithful when he was a PO; he even had a female partner and my faith in him never skipped a beat.

My stbxwh was in a horrendous accident while a PO; because of this, I got to know his superiors and co-workers extremely well. I also became intimately familiar with the rhythm of precinct life. LEOs are no more likely to cheat than any other walk of life.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the record, I never said they were more likely to cheat than any other profession. I said they have opportunities to carry on an affair undetected, which, while not unique to law enforcement, is not necessarily typical either.

For example, I work and while I have some freedom of movement, I couldn't for example ever say I was working on New Year's Eve and be with another man. I couldn't come home from work at 1am without a million questions being raised, etc.

To me, the reason for this forum is to share some of the common problems, etc that are shared by families of LEO and that is all that is being done.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point taken, Allgoodnamesgone. Do you have access to his pay stub? Most departments have them on line now. If so, you can see when he's earned OT and track it to see if it meshes with his times absent from home.

I used this to good purpose when I was in tracking mode with stbxwh; he's in corrections now, and I set up the online acct for him, as he's a computer moron. He forgot that I had the passwords. Most likely you can't see the date he earned the OT or took the errant vacation day (my scenario) but you can see totals and track that way.

stbxwh told me he couldn't get off on his b-day to celebrate with me, but he did take a vacation day during that pay period, and his b-day coincided with OW's day off--go figure!


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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