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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
SmilesForTheKids
♀ New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow there are a lot of us. I am happy for the support and understanding, but not happy we are here.

Sad, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I too was a proud NYPD wife. I can't wait to read your story. I suspect we have a lot in common.

mlp, I am sorry your story isn't turning out well. I'm here if you ever need a sympathetic ear.

Bigger, I'm sorry you feel attacked. I personally don't blame the job for causing the A. FWH was a cop for 17 years without incident. Situations outside the job caused the A. The job concealed and encouraged it, and keeps me from having a true sense of R because there is so much time I simply can't "police."

Allgood we are living the same life and I could have written every word of your post. I hope you have a happy ending, no matter how things turn out.


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
mplpmom
♀ Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger - I am not attacking LEOs in general, and it seems like in your force/precinct there seems to be a higher moral standard expected, but I have to stand behind what I have said in my WHs sich. I have been in the car when he's gotten pulled over doing 85 in a 55 and flashed the badge. His partner did something off the job that should have landed him in jail and lost his badge, but someone took care of it and he got off with a slap on the wrists. Two of the guys in his precinct are accused of rape, and it seems to be "going away". Lesson is this is that they are above the law. If they can get away with criminal activities with no reprecussion, then who's gonna jam them up for an affair?

As for free time on the job? Last year WH husband asked for a portable DVD player for xmas so they could watch movies in the patrol car. WH sends hundreds of text messages to other cops (including his OW) every shift. Him and his partner take turns driving while the other sleeps. And according to WH - everybody does it! Pretty sure I'd get fired in about 3 seconds if I pulled any of that at my job.

I understand that there are very intense moments on the job, and he has to do things and see things no one should have to do or see, but he chose to go into the PD, chose to force us all into this life. I warned him how hard I thought it would all be on him and us, how a person can't be trained to shot someone without it having a serious effect on them as a human being. I never imagined how right I was.

When I try to talk to him about his day, he usually doesn't say a word. They have been told to protect their spouses by not burdening them with what they have to go through. So who do they talk to - other cops. If you read "not Just friends" it talks about walls and windows. I think they "learn" to put up walls with their families and windows with their colleagues. My husband admitted that he felt like he could only share his frustrations with the job and tramas he encountered with his "friend" from the academy who eventually became his OW.

And as for support? I called the police support hotline and they couldn't do a damn thing unless the officer called. If it is so fucking hard for the families, why isn't there any support? Would it be so hard to send the spouses a list of resources they read, use, etc so that they could better support their LEOs? I never got once shred of acknowledgement from the PD. Me and my children didn't exist as far as the NYPD was concerned, we were a distratcion he had to leave the job to go hime to.

MY WH was a chef for 15 years before he became a LEO, so I was used to the long hours and the never being around for holidays. And to be honest I was never that worried about him getting hurt on the job. What I couldn't take was being treated like a perp, the wall that he put up between us when he joined the PD, and the fact that even when he was here, he wasn't present - these are things that happened before as well as during the A. I had almost nine years with him before he joined the academny in 2007, and things started to quickly deteriorate amost as soon as he joined.

As I said in earlier posts, I now realize my husband had issues that I was unaware of before he joined the PD. But the job compounded these issues and added a whole slate of new ones. And gave him unlimted opportunity/zero accountability to engage in in appropriate behaviours. He may have been broke when he went into the PD, but now he is shattered, as is the rest of my family.


[This message edited by mplpmom at 5:37 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I‘m not offended and I don’t feel attacked. That‘s not my beef. It’s just that if we sit by and allow suffering LEO spouses to make broad assumptions on the situation then we are NOT helping in the healing process.

Infidelity is a serious issue. Dead serious. I think one of the best tools we can have to cope with it is knowledge and understanding. This has to be based on facts – or at least well deducted reasoning. Once we base our understanding on personal emotions and assumptions based on myth… well then we are NOT on the path of healing.

So when I read statements claiming that LEO are trained and expected to lie and deceive… well – they certainly won’t help anyone in healing. And I seriously doubt one precinct or one force enforces that policy. If we are to assume that some of the broad statements made here on this thread are true then basically there is no way we can fight or deal with infidelity in the police. Once that’s the case then frankly the ONLY solution open for a LEO spouse is divorce. If the environment actively encourages and enables infidelity, covers up infidelity and stays together no matter what then there really is no hope for any LEO marriage.

As I have pointed out few if any professions has been as extensively researched as LEO. The research has confirmed a higher divorce rate but has NOT confirmed higher infidelity rates. Why? This legend about the persistent and high infidelity rate is very long lived and researchers have examined it but as yet not a single survey has confirmed this. Why?

Keep in mind that a veteran LEO is a prized asset and HR departments work hard to keep them on the force. It costs a lot of money to train a rookie and the drop-out rate in the first five years is relatively high considering the screening before you get in the academy and the sieve in the academy (about 7 out of 10 of those that started graduated in my year). When you calculate the cost of a LEO that quits and the cost of mistakes a rookie can make and it’s easy to see why departments place a lot of money and effort to keep their officers.

The research has shown a higher suicide rate and a possible higher alcohol misuse rate with LEO. Both considered stress related. The best way to cope with stress? A good and healthy home environment. So LEO HR departments all over the world have placed great emphasis on improving family life for LEO. It might not be macho but over the last years the number of LEO couples seeking department supported or paid MC has increased.

And infidelity being easier for LEO. I don’t get that. What would be less conspicuous in the corner of a car-park; a nondescript Toyota with steamy windows or a marked squad car? A man wearing jeans and a shirt checking into a motel or a cop wearing uniform and carrying a gun checking into a motel? Yes – shift work might make “monitoring” harder. Just like others with non-LEO shift working spouses have experienced. Yes they can claim overtime – just like others experience. Yes – sometimes associates will cover for them – just like others have experienced. But a LEO having an affair is hiding it just like most others that have affairs do. Nothing special there.

I truly feel that if we focus on myth and not the real issues then we won’t make any headway in healing. If you truly believe the job is evil and will inevitably cause your spouse to cheat then fighting it isn’t really an option. File and move on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger - I'm glad that you don't feel like anyone was attacking you - I know that certainly wasn't my intent.
But, I do disagree with you in that I believe the special circumstances associated with law enforcement do make for special challenges both in keeping a home life happy & in discovering the affair.
Clearly anyone carrying on in uniform, while on duty or in a marked patrol car is just asking to be noticed. That is not what I'm talking about & I dont think that is what the others are talking about.
I agree with you that a cover-up is a cover-up, law enforcement related or not; however, the nature of law enforcement as a job does give one inclined to have an affair a greater ability to keep it going un-noticed by one's spouse. While others working overnights,etc might also be able to do so - that's possible - but there's still something about police work that is unique. I cant think of any other job where one can just announce on short notice that one is not going to be able to make it home for 8 hours or more past one's expected end of tour without an eyebrow being raised by one's spouse. (And even if you can think of an example -the point is that it takes some time to think of one - which means that it's not the norm).
I agree with you, however, that having a defeated attitude is not helpful and will probably doom the process.
Having said that, I never have peace when my h is "working". He's at the end of his career, so working a lot of ot is to be expected. I cant confront every time I feel this way without negatively affecting our reconciliation effort. (Nor would it be plausible for me to call him at 3 in the morning to put my mind at ease as he would clearly feel that I am checking on him). It just makes me feel anxious & since it's a weekly occurence, it's not a very easy way to spend time.
And, in my wh's situation, family is definitely kept at bay - "no one" brings their wives to most social events -not the Christmas parties, not the monthly get-to-gethers, etc.
It's just a unique challenge that is not easily resolved. I'd love for someone to tell me something positive - like how their ws was able to alleviate their concerns.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:09 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
notforgiving
♂ Member
Member # 27589
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W had an A with a Deputy Chief of Customs. He use to take breaks during his shift so they could meet. He was so stupid to have sent emails from his government account, and used his office phone and cell phone for communicating. I know some people there knew what he was doing. No honor.

[This message edited by notforgiving at 10:24 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


At time of the A:
me - BH 40
FWW - 39
Kids - 8 & 4 (I may have given them life, but they are my saviors)
D-Day 11/19/08
TT until 5/12/09

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: NY
SmilesForTheKids
♀ New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, you seriously must read my mind. You and I are in very similiar places.

I could have written the following myself, every last work of it:

Having said that, I never have peace when my h is "working". He's at the end of his career, so working a lot of ot is to be expected. I cant confront every time I feel this way without negatively affecting our reconciliation effort. (Nor would it be plausible for me to call him at 3 in the morning to put my mind at ease as he would clearly feel that I am checking on him). It just makes me feel anxious & since it's a weekly occurence, it's not a very easy way to spend time.
And, in my wh's situation, family is definitely kept at bay - "no one" brings their wives to most social events -not the Christmas parties, not the monthly get-to-gethers, etc.
It's just a unique challenge that is not easily resolved. I'd love for someone to tell me something positive - like how their ws was able to alleviate their concerns.


BUT, I do call him at 3am. And 2am and 4am if the need or desire strikes me and I can't sleep. He has learned to pick up on the first ring, which keeps me happy.

My FWHs rank also pulls him out of bed at all hours and sends him racing back to work at a moments notice. How do I really know who's calling? And how many other professions have the same expectations? Not too many. : (


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are truly personal and sad experiences. They don't represent every LEO or spouse of a LEO, but we have enough common ground to rate our own thread. It's very helpful to hear what others are going through and relate it (or not) to our own lives.

I'm guessing things may have changed since stbxwh was in the NYPD. 'Way back then' it was a family for the LEOs and the families. The precinct had Christmas parties for the families, there were all kinds of extra-curricular events the families could attend, like baseball & hockey games, parties, dances (I STILL remember the Emerald Society Ball--the only ball I ever went to!). We went to each others weddings.

Unfortunately (and actually realistically) it all stopped when stbx had to retire due to his injuries. It was devastating for him. The only person he has remained in contact with is a member of his academy class who had to leave the force under unfortunate circumstances.

When we moved and he got into corrections, it started out OK, but it was not the 'family-friendly' environment we experienced in the PD. It got worse when he transferred to a prison closer to home (he used to have to travel 1 1/2 hours in each direction to work). The current prison is a cesspool of infidelity. His excuse is 'you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas', but that doesn't fly with me. The things that go on in this prison are so depraved (once again, not everyone is involved) including female officers having sex with prisoners--how does this happen in a work environment that is supposed to be tightly controled??--that I can't imagine a normal person wanting to get involved in it; obviously, he was no longer a normal person.

I begged him to leave; I would have been very happy to have him sit on his ass all day in front of the TV rather than work in a place like that, but he loves the drama. Ugh.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19175 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
strawberry16
♀ Member
Member # 27750
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for BS's of LEO's that have successfully R'd: How did you get trust back (or some of it) with this line of work? My H used going into work early to do paper work as one of his excuses to cover up meeting OW on one of his evening shifts. Every time I hear this now I will wonder. I am on mat leave now, but what happens when I go back to work and he has days off that I am out of the house all day working??? There is just so much time in this line of work for him to stray without me knowing. So stressful.

No idea if we are going to R yet, I am just wondering...

Thanks.


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Me: BS (29)
Him: WH (30)
Married: 3 years
Kids: 1 baby at home


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strawberry: You have bigger problems than his LE career. Your backstory indicates that he may be a SA; has he ever been diagnosed or had any kind of psychotherapy? His 'supposed' ONS with his ex during your pregnancy was hurtful enough, but on top of all the other hurts he has caused you, he has many issues that need to be addressed before you two can even think about R.

It's wonderful that he loves his baby daughter, but what about you? You appear to be giving him a pass on a lot of bad behavior.

If the two of you are or can get to a place where you can have his transparency, remorse, and an end to his bad behavior, then you have to set boundaries that he cannot cross without you filing for D. There is a lot of good advice in The Healing Library; give him your demands and let him 'man up'. In particular, he may have to accept a female partner; if his department is not open to his explanation of past problems, you and he would have to decide how to handle such a situation.

Most LEOs can carry cell phones now (unless they are COs) so you could set up regular calls or texts to keep in touch; he may even be able to send you pics of where he is.

If he is committed to R, his being a LEO should not have any impact on your success.

Good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19175 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sdanni64
♀ Member
Member # 27722
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a former deputy sheriff from OH.

The one thing I remember him telling me (more than once) is the difference between a police officer's mind and a criminal's mind is very small...they are of like mindset and actions.

I guess that was how he could deceive me so effectively for 10 months...I never once suspected him of having an A until he asked for a divorce...then I knew immediately that was what had happened.

Wish I had caught on sooner.


Me: BS 46 Him: stbxWH 42
Married since 8/05
D day: 2/22/10
No R..he is living w/MOW
D filed 4/16/10

A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life.....maybe from my wounds, from my injuries, I will produce a "pearl"


Posts: 191 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: North Carolina
strawberry16
♀ Member
Member # 27750
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response S in AZ. My H is currently in therapy right now but not living with me. He was not ready to meet the boundaries I set up for him to R so I asked him to leave. He is starting to see the impact that his childhood really did have on him, and said he will be in therapy for a while (I know his childhood does not excuse his behaviour in our marriage, I have a very healthy outlook on this and am in no way giving him a pass). I thought he may be SA - his therapist says that he is not exactly one. His problem is more a need for attention, always from the opposite sex, and they are working on where this started and then how to change his pattern. Who knows where that will go. I just wanted to know that if R ever does happen, how can I trust him with his crazy shift work. Just trying to sort out my thoughts so I am ready for any decsions I may make down the raod. So much has been thrown at me, but I think considering it all I am thinking very clearly...so does the IC I have started seeing, and who thinks that I probably won't need too many sessions with. We shall see....


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Me: BS (29)
Him: WH (30)
Married: 3 years
Kids: 1 baby at home


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm...Sdanni, I don't buy that reasoning. To be an effective investigator, you may have to think like a criminal, but you certainly don't have to act like one. I was an insurance fraud investigator and I was very good at uncovering fraud, but it didn't cause me to commit fraud.

My stbxwh was a robbery investigator in the PD and is now a CO, yet I caught him in many, many lies and compromising situations. He really wasn't that good at covering his tracks; in fact, he often telegraphed his actions. He may have been a good investigator, but he was a lousy cheater.

strawberry: I'm glad you are making progress with your IC. If your WH ever pulls his head out of his a$$ and agrees to your boundaries, I think you will be strong enough to enforce them.

Don't overly worry about the irregularities of his job; if he is a good LEO, you can learn from him and turn the tables when it comes time to 'trust but verify', KWIM?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19175 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
mplpmom
♀ Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mplpmom at 10:18 AM, April 12th (Monday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
mplpmom
♀ Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strawberry - I totally get what you mean. I don't really see us R'ing for a number of reasons, one of the big ones being that I can't imagine how I could ever deal with all the downtime away from home. Just today, WH texts me saying his shift ended late so he was going to stay in the city, watch the game and sleep at the precinct, rather than come home. Any time he gets an arrest, it usually means he doesn't come home that day and crashes at the precinct. This was his trick to see his cop OW whore, lie about arrests so he didn't have to come home. Even if my WH was remoreseful and trying to work things out and NC with OW (which he is not), I would not be able to keep my mind from envisioning the worst, now that it has seen the worst. How could a BS ever deal with situations like this?

[This message edited by mplpmom at 11:27 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 11:52 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


the link above shows previews of the show tomorrow ... it comes on the NatGeo channel at 9pm CST ...


STBX says he will be all over the tv show tomorrow ...

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 7:56 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Red  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PERSONAL INFORMATION: Do not post personal information publicly on the boards. This includes, but is not limited to, full names, addresses, workplace information, email addresses.


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Helpless  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry again ... and thank you for the edit ... I was going to do it when I saw the flag on my other post in general ...



I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mpl- I know exactly what you mean. Things were really bad for us 1 week ago, but things seem to have turned around. He seems to be making more of an effort to support me & I've been feeling a little happier. Now, I'm triggering all over the place because he just told me he's working ot on Friday which means he'll leave for work Fri am & I won't see him til Sat night - with plenty of "down time" in between the tours. Like your, h this is how my h saw ow without raising suspicions. I'm going to be calling him a lot - which will work for the 1st 5 hr gap between shifts, but not so much for the 3am-7am part. And they would usually meet at 6am before work.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an update - told my h I was triggering & he said he would come home between shifts.
Progress.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
gapingvoid
♀ Member
Member # 20645
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, I am sad/happy to have found this thread. It seems everyday I question our R because of his line of work.

I always think of how I can't verify anything anymore. His cell is through work as is his car and almost his whole life. He's a detective, haha. He knows all about gps devices and var's. Ugh. Just short of following him around myself, I feel there's no way to tell if he's telling the truth. I'm so hypersensitive about every little thing. If he looks at me wrong, I wonder if somethings going on.


In fact I'm on here tonight because he just called me to say he'd be gone all night working on a case. Another surveillance.

My heart keeps breaking over and over. I'm a mess and feel like I'll never recover sometimes.

Thanks for listening to me ramble tonight.


Me BW 37
Him FWH 37
together 20 yrs, married 13yrs
3 beautiful 'babies'
in "R", but he doesn't want to talk about it
Dday 7/6/08
PA 3 weeks, but I'm not buyin it

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2008
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