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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eight13: It really wasn't his work schedule that got in the way of our communication; it was the 'down' time--he works the swing shift, gets home at 10:30pm. I've already been up since 4am (workout) and could honestly go to sleep at 9pm, but I would wait up for him, give him his dinner, watch a little TV and then turn in at 11:30 or midnight. Then I'm up again at 4am (I don't need a lot of sleep.)

He never wanted to talk when he got home--had to 'unwind'. In the mornings, we both work out--me at the gym, him on his bicycle. We never see each other. Therefore, only weekends were left, and he didn't want any arguments to upset his weekends, so, no discussions. Yes, it was manipulation. It even got worse--he got in trouble at work(very bad trouble) the day after d-day, so we didn't discuss the infidelity for almost a year. By the time things finally straighted out, he thought everything was fine--even though he was still firmly in the throes of the EA. He still is; that's why we are divorcing.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19143 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Eight13
♀ Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, I think I see that you understand none of this was your fault. The fact your cop got jammed up at work tells me he was making a lot of bad decisions at that time in his life. Not just in his marriage. Very typical, actually. My WH-cop got kicked off an elite assignment a few months after he left me. I don't know the reason(s) why, but it didn't surprise me one bit. Compartmentalization is an imperfect science.

On an aside, I've been to a few classes about cop relationships, and a common problem that's frequently discussed is many officers use up so many of their resources at work (mental, emotional, physical), that they become lazy at home. Cops can be some of the biggest conflict-avoiders at home. When we (cops) get home, we feel we're done making decisions. We're done problem-solving. We're done talking. We're done interacting. We plop on the couch, pick up the remote and mumble as few words as possible until we can crawl into bed. So unhealthy! Not all cops suffer from this, but the classes I've attended, I've seen many attendees' heads shaking up-and-down (yes! yes!) to know it's true for many. A cop who is unable or unwilling to self-reflect can fall into this unhealthy pattern very quickly.

I think the worst thing about being a cop (besides the politics of the department) is how much it sucks the life out of you, and your family usually suffers because of it. For some it can be a daily struggle to make that extra effort at home, to nurture and protect your most precious committments (family).

Many are able to do it though. A lot take the easy way out and don't.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Dealan-de
♀ Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eight13 - that was my husband's number at a previous position!

On an aside, I've been to a few classes about cop relationships, and a common problem that's frequently discussed is many officers use up so many of their resources at work (mental, emotional, physical), that they become lazy at home. Cops can be some of the biggest conflict-avoiders at home. When we (cops) get home, we feel we're done making decisions. We're done problem-solving. We're done talking. We're done interacting. We plop on the couch, pick up the remote and mumble as few words as possible until we can crawl into bed. So unhealthy! Not all cops suffer from this, but the classes I've attended, I've seen many attendees' heads shaking up-and-down (yes! yes!) to know it's true for many. A cop who is unable or unwilling to self-reflect can fall into this unhealthy pattern very quickly.

I am SO lucky. The only time my husband was like this was during the adultry.

Thank you for reminding me of a blessing to count today!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone ever struggle with the fact that as a BS we have put up with the stress of being a LEO spouse only to feel "dumped on" by the fact that they cheated on you. After all we have given up? I think about the holidays in particular. How many Christmases alone and I wasn't worth saying "no" to OW??? Just venting I guess.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
hopefulwife
♀ Member
Member # 20942
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just letting you know you're not alone. I feel the same way. I can't remember the last time I got a kiss on New Year's Eve.

I also get tired of having to walk on eggshells. Don't want to upset the poor LEO. He's stressed to the max at his job, so the homelife has to be peaceful.

I'm really wanting to blow up, but I know all that will do is bring more pain for me. This is the only place I can vent. So vent on and let it all out. We're listening.


BW - me 42
FWH - 48
DDay 4/17/08 True R 6/11/08
No children together except our Bull Mastiff Maximus...my baby.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember one year at Christmas my SIL talking about her H working 10 hours a day and how hard it was. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there ALONE AGAIN on Christmas Eve. He has a better schedule now, years later, but I feel like I endured years of heartache just to receive more??? It's not fair!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
thehopefulone
♀ New Member
Member # 26985
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is a PO. He cheated on me with a dispatcher. He also attacked me Monday night in order to get his phone becuase I was reading his text messages to her on his new and secret I-phone. But the cops that showed up didn't take me seriously at all. I had no marks on me, and when WS came back, he had a fat lip that he claims I gave him. It's all so very ugly between us. All I wanted was the truth, which he NEVER gives me. This is not the man I married.

Any tips on what to do when the discovery of the truth leads to violence? He's told me that he knows what to do and say so they'll never believe me.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2009
Jade1964dream
♀ Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tape record him


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thehopefulone-
This is a tough one. FWH has been abusive to me only a few times in our past (long story) but what stopped me was the fact that I knew, unlike a regular citizen, that he would lose his job. Also, no one would have ever believed it because I am so outwardly tough and he is such a "nice guy".

I never would have thought of myself as an abused spouse and he always had a way of blaming me. Part of his remorse and our R, was to make him admit that what he did was "abuse". Then, with the help of our MC, we have worked on his anger issues.

It has been a long road, but with God's help I have not seen any abusive nature in over a year and only glimpses of his temper.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all ...

My WH is a Colorado Correctional Officer ... he also just graduated post academy a couple weeks ago ...

WH has been having a 2+ year A with his former best friends WW ... they had been best friends since 7th grade ...

Story is more detailed on my profile ...

They all 3 work for CDOC ... OW works in max security housing unit, my WH works for the same facility in security ...

they work the same shift ... A started cause they carpooled together and would seek advice from eachother about about their awful marriages ...

OW's H works for CTU(CDOC transport) ...

I reported A to headquarters ... the Major of the facility talked to WW & OW ...

I was told it is not against the law and as long as it does not affect their job there is nothing the facility can do ... I do think formal letters went in their files ... big whoop ...

I also WH instructor for the post academy ... she told me the same thing ... as long as he can complete school and this does not adversely affect his ability to perform job nothing can be done ... big whoop again ...

WH not sure what he wants to do with his degree ... street cop, PO ect ...

No I didn't really want to take away his job ... but he has walked away from me(choose the OW) and is just riding off into the sunset no worse for the wear ...

shows no remorse or anything ... he is happy cause they are in love ...

WH is great at his job by the way ... goes above and beyond the call of duty all the time ... he really is a standout at it ... which makes me sick to ... he has everything now ...

got rid of his horrible wife and marriage ... has a new love and get's to move on in a great career ...

while me I have to start completely over ... like I was the one who destroyed 2 marriages/families ...

I moved out of Colorado and to Oklahoma, I am living with my dad, I will be starting school in Feb. for my LPN ...

I have no $$, no husband, no love, no career, nothing ...

Just so unfair ... and I don't know how much the stress of job contributed to the A ... they work in max security for the state so the inmates are locked down 23/7 ... I know doing forced cells and armed transports can be stressful ... but hew just never showed any of that ...

He was a master liar ... seriously could when an oscar for his performance ...
I was completely blindsided by this A ... I had felt something off for the last couple years and even confronted a few times on him being in an A ... but I never really thought it was true ... and he lied like a pro right up till the very end ...

how does a person sleep at night after you do something like that ?? How do you go and protect and do no harm in your job when all you did was harm the very people you are soposed to love the most ??

Like I said I understand the job is stressful and our marriage was not even close to perfect nor was I an adoring wife the last few years ... but even on my worst day as a wife I did not deserve this ...

I could go on and on but I will not kinda a soap box for me can you tell ...

My WH is a LEO ... he took a nap everyday after work ... then went to bed by 9pm every night ... granted he had to get up at 3:30am to get to work by 6:45am and have his A also

but I completely understand the LEO traits that may have "enhanced", i guess is word I looking for, the A ... however I saw a post also that said on the flip side LEO's can be everything we woman want and need them to be ...

So I feel I understand a little more about WH's personality, based on the LEO thing, but then I feel guility cause I was not the right woman to love him so he would not have an A ...

did that make sense ??? it did in my head ...

Also I am sooooo happy to have found this thread ... it is amazing to have other people who really understand ... I am soooo sorry we all find ourselves here tho ...

whether we are BS's or WS's ... it is a club no one wants to belong to the A club or the law enforcement A club ... sucks to be part of both ...

we have eachother tho ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 1:32 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 11:48 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haven't been here in awhile ... so hey all sup ???

posted a couple replys in the LTA thread and the DB thread ...

just thought I would stop in to vent a little about how pissed I am that my stbxwh and OW just get to continue on with their jobs in the department od corrections for Colorado and get no repercussions for their ....

LOVE !!!!!!!!!

I outed them to headquarters they got a good firm talking to by the major of their facility and letters in their files ...

and that is it ...

me I fell I have been left homeless, loveless, and left to start completely over by myself ... while they skip off into the sunset ..

I guess i am really down because the whore is taking over my life and my dreams with my husband and I am left to start over and make new ones ...

everyone keeps saying that is a good thing but I just don't feel like it is ...

I want my old dreams back, I want my future back with my husband ... I want to rebuild our future blah blah blah ...

he just wants to keep working for the state and F-ing her... and yes I know they are planning a future he just won't say what it is ...

just feeling so down and so alone so rejected ... like I am worth nothing more than the morning curbside trash ...

hate my life .


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Happy  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a Police Officer and my wife is having the A. I found out on 23 Dec 09, and again on 1/7/10 she still denies anything physical. I prided myself for not chasing Badge Bunnies and a score of others. My loyalty was rewarded by the A. It is a battle and it is difficult to keep my mind on work, thankfully my brothers back me up on all calls until my head is in the game. To others here like me, good luck.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 4:16 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

goodnight all ... to hard for me to function in the human hours of the world so I am a vampire, least for about 3 more weeks, then I gotta be human again and go to school

Hope you all have a wonderful day, with no fog, no roller coaster, and WS's who get it

if not then may you have the best revenge ideas ever tomorrow and may they brighten your eyes like a child on x-mas morning ...

anyway have a nice and safe day ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a tendency to look at evryone in FWH's department cynically. I have the desire to blame them for FWH's A. Can anyone relate? How do I ever get to the point of going to functions again, since he sure as heck won't be going alone!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK ... I to tend to blame those around them in the job who were friends or close co-workers of the 2 of them ... with as prevalent as it is in the DOC and being they both work at the same facility same shift how could others not know or sense something ???

and not one of them had the decency to tell me ... that to me shows a lack of respect for their own M's ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
KLinNoCA
♀ Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a Police Officer and my wife is having the A. I found out on 23 Dec 09, and again on 1/7/10 she still denies anything physical. I prided myself for not chasing Badge Bunnies and a score of others. My loyalty was rewarded by the A. It is a battle and it is difficult to keep my mind on work, thankfully my brothers back me up on all calls until my head is in the game. To others here like me, good luck.

My two brothers are LEO's and my step-dad was retired LEO--and, of course, my STBHX is an LEO. PLEASE keep safe out there--having to deal with the stress of your WW's actions and affair while you're on the job can make you less vigilant than you normally would be. Thank God for your brothers and sisters in blue to have your back!

Keep safe--


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hola everybody ...

wow the threads are quiet down here in I can Relate ...

Guess I am used to the always changing and emotional JFO & General ...

although I do have a blast in F&G ...

well this is probably one of the bitter sweet threads I post in ... all my respect for law enforcement in all areas ... fire men/women included ...

just so odd the vows they take to get married, the vows/pledges they take to be in this line of work ...

and then BAM !!!!

here we are ...

Guess why it bugs me so much to post here ... he still holds the vow/pledge he took to become a Correctional Officer so highly so proudly and has done so much to further his career for the better recently ...

yet he can toss his M away like yesterday's trash ... and still have no problem keeping the A going with the OW who by the way is also a CO and works in the same prison and on same shift ...

I know I am sure I have already mentioned that but

why is so much more important for him to be soooo good in his job and be beyond reproach(professionally that is not morally)

and not have been that way in his M ???

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

just my weird rambling of ponderings ...

hope you all have an amazing week and hope your weekend ends very well and restful ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey guess what it's me again ....

teehee teehee ...

well not much new to report ...

my school started on this last Tuesday and was just orenitation stuff real school starts this Monday ...

posted in O/T bout my new study nest and posted in D/S bout hiring a lawyer ...

very scary

anyway stbxwh has finished school to become a parole officer ... and he has applied to be in the pool and plans on waiting for an opening in our home town so he can stay with OW

she will continue to work at the prison unless stbxwh decides she don't have to and will support her and her 2 kids

anyway ... that is all for me ...

hugs to ya'll and hope only the best a greatest things for ya ... be careful out there I appreciate all you do ... those of you that work in the enforcement feild and those of you who support them ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
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